Psychological traumas and their masks. Who is who in the organization? Psychology Recognize a person in a mask

What happens to you when you take off your masks?

Being yourself is a necessary condition for being a creator. It is impossible to generate and translate into reality your ideas, your dreams without being yourself at the same time. By ceasing to be himself, a person ceases to be a creator.

But a person, from early childhood, as soon as a person grows up to the ability to dream, they are taught to be anyone, but not how to be themselves. Other people's dreams are imposed on him, devaluing and belittling his own dreams. And thus a person is “killed” already in early childhood, he is “killed” as a creator. And the fact that some people, as creators, "resurrect" from the dead - this can be called a miracle.

What does it mean to be "raised from the dead as a creator"? It means to stop being someone else and become yourself. It means stop wearing masks. It means to stop harboring other people's dreams, other people's ideas. It means to stop being a clown, entertaining someone, living for the sake of everyone, but not for the sake of oneself.

What does it mean to "be anyone"? What does it mean to wear masks? It means living someone else's ideas and dreams, but not your own. It means to translate into reality anyone's ideas and dreams, but not your own.

A person is forced to live by the ideas of relatives and friends. Man is forced to live by the ideas of society. Society, friends, relatives and others determine for a person what exactly he should do and how he should live, they also choose for him the so-called « carnival costumes », simply put - "masks" . And these are not the masks and not the carnival costumes that a person puts on his body. Here we are already talking about spiritual, personal masks and spiritual and personal carnival costumes. Putting a mask on his soul, a person hides from everyone his true emotions, his true mood. Putting a mask on his soul, a person hides his dreams, his ideas and goals.

And otherwise, without these masks and costumes that a person puts on his soul and his spirit, relatives, friends and others do not want to see a person close and dear to them. Yes, he is dear to them, close only for the sole reason that he wears a spiritual mask determined for him, a carnival costume determined for him. And no one wants to see his true mood and his true dreams. So it turns out that our entire planet is flooded with "spiritual clowns", flooded with those who are not who they claim to be, flooded with people in "masks" and "carnival costumes". Not a planet, but a "circus arena". Earth is the setting for "sad and happy clowns".

I put the word “clowns” in quotation marks so that you don’t confuse real clowns with those “sad and funny clowns” that those who want to look in the eyes of other people not who they really are have turned themselves into.

There are no exceptions. Everyone wears masks. But for some, wearing masks is a disadvantage, not an advantage. And you don't have to agree with them. Everyone decides for himself what he needs. For someone who does not want to be a creator, who does not want to turn their ideas and dreams into reality, who is afraid to believe in themselves and their talent, masks are a boon. For someone who does not think of himself as a man, if he does not translate his and only his dreams into reality, masks are evil. And it is also important to note that those for whom "masks" and "carnival costumes" are evil, they have no idols, they are not slaves of someone's ideas. And the people they love and who love them back don't want to see each other wearing masks. And for them, their shortcomings are a reason to start getting rid of them, and not to convince themselves that these shortcomings somehow contribute to their development.

Having put on a mask on his personality, a person naturally finds himself in a world of illusions and among people-illusions, and of course he should never take off his mask there. Masks do not forgive this. To remove the mask, you must first leave the area where you ended up with the help of this mask. Only after leaving the world of illusions and people-masks, a person can calmly and safely remove his mask.

But very many people think that being oneself means showing the whole world one's viciousness, one's savagery and underdevelopment. Mask people are sure that to take off the mask and appear to everyone as you are is to become a boor.

To be yourself does not mean at all to everyone and everyone, it is necessary and not necessary, indiscriminately, at any time, to start saying whatever you want and whatever you think. Being yourself means living your ideas and your dreams. It means to translate into reality your own and only your ideas and your dreams. Being yourself means setting your own goals, not the goals of your parents, your friends, your bosses and others. who forced a person to put on this or that “carnival costume” on his spirit, forced him to put on this or that “mask” on his soul.

But it is precisely this excuse, in order not to remove masks, that people-masks prefer. They say that if they take off the mask, they will get into a lot of trouble. They, who do not want to remove their masks, believe that removing the mask will force them to say whatever they think and harm people. Why do they think so? Because they understand that being themselves means being an honest person. But they understand in their own way what it means to be honest. And they have honesty, for some reason, I don’t know why, but it means “to grind left and right with your tongue everything that lies in your soul” and to everyone and everyone to show yourself as you are. And this is what they, the people-masks, call the truth. This, in their understanding, in the understanding of people-masks, means to be honest.

But! Being honest does not mean always telling the truth. And this does not mean showing yourself as you really are, highlighting your vices and shortcomings. After all, everyone has faults and shortcomings. Moreover, under the truth, many mistakenly understand what is not the truth, but what a person is sure of. And all the more so because in each of us there are many, many shortcomings that are of no interest to anyone and are not pleasant to anyone. People-masks think that if they take off the mask, then by doing so they show everyone their vices. In reality, taking off the mask does NOT mean showing your underdevelopment and depravity. But people of the mask are sure that they put on masks only to hide their shortcomings. People-masks do not even notice that by putting on a mask, they do not hide their vices with it, but, on the contrary, stick them out even more. It is impossible to hide your vices by wearing a mask. And hiding your shortcomings and your vices from people does NOT mean wearing a mask at all. Hiding your shortcomings from people means, remaining yourself, having the strength and courage to restrain yourself in those cases when depravity wants to break out and manifest itself.

To be honest means not to lie. Do you understand the difference? Or do you not see it here? Try to understand that being an honest person does not mean being always truthful, but it means not being false.

No one forces an honest person to always tell the truth. And an honest person never does that. But an honest man always remains honest only because he never lies. Don't learn to tell the truth. Learn not to lie. But a lot of people don't understand this. And it is they who strive to tell the truth and, as it seems to them, starting to tell the truth, in reality begin to lie. But they don't even notice it. Why don't they notice? Because they don't think about how not to lie. They only think about telling the truth.

But here's the question! Where is the lie and where is the truth? How to distinguish? How to understand that everything said is not a lie? It is very easy to do this. Lies where the "mask" is. Lies where the "carnival costume" is. The “mask” on the soul of a person is already a lie. And the “carnival costume” put on the human spirit is also a lie, no matter how beautiful this costume is. It's all lies. Lies to please someone. Someone who insisted on wearing a mask or costume. And a person who says something and at the same time he is not himself, but in a “mask”, or in a “carnival costume”, such a person is always lying. So that a person does not speak, but if he is in a “mask”, or in a “carnival costume”, then he is lying. No matter how beautiful his words may seem, it will still be a lie. And even if the words of the masked man are backed up by facts, it will still be a lie. It is the facts that adorn the lies of the masked men. And the more monstrous the lies of the masked people, the more weighty will be the arguments they present, and the facts they present in defense of their lies.

As for those boors and those pseudo-truth-lovers, for whom to be rude and rude means to be themselves, and who take their stupid confidence in something for truth, who, due to their underdevelopment, have not yet learned anything but rudeness, then there was no truth in their words. I am sure about that. Why am I sure of this? Yes, because the truth cannot be based on hatred. The basis of truth, the basis of any truth, both bitter and sweet, is always mutual respect, compassion and understanding of other people.

The truth is not something that only one person, even one who does not wear masks, is sure of and that he tells other people. The truth is something else, which other people who hear it and who also do not wear masks do not doubt. Until then, there is no truth. The truth cannot be based on hatred and hostility, on the desire to destroy any dissent. Hatred, hostility to other views and thoughts, the desire to destroy any dissent is rudeness.

And rudeness and disrespect for other people, for other people's dreams, for other people's ideas, for someone else's religion, for someone else's philosophy, for someone else's political system, and so on, is characteristic only of people-masks, deceitful people. Only people-masks can break into someone else's house in order to shit there, who, in order to show that they allegedly do not wear masks, but are themselves and carry "truth and truth", begin in a rude form, through violence, sometimes even very cruel violence, to stick out their viciousness, their underdevelopment and impose, impose, impose on everyone and everyone their own and only their own “truth and truth”.

If a person is afraid to believe in himself and in his creative power, this means that a person does not live his own life. This means that a person has put on a mask and lives to please someone, but not himself. It is these people, people-masks, who believe in anyone and anything, but not in themselves. And such a person, in order to stop being afraid, stop being afraid to believe in himself and only in himself, stop relying on fate, on predictions, on various gods, on horoscopes and other types of prophecies, it is necessary to take off the mask. It is necessary to remove the mask put on a person once and by someone whom the person believed and who frightened him very much. And then only the person will become himself and stop lying. The person will become honest and will rise as a creator from the dead.

I wish you health, love and creative success. Sincerely, © 2013

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Since ancient times, actors have used theatrical masks, comic or tragic, but all those who make up the audience wear a variety of masks in their daily lives - symbols of the roles they play in the play of life. Roles can change - one today, another tomorrow - but the mask will always be on the face. The person never takes it off.

Our masks change with age. As adults, we put on the mask of a professional at work; coming home - a parent or spouse. Some masks involve a complete costume change. As a matter of fact, almost the entire wardrobe of a person is his mask, which is necessary for the performance of a certain role: “I am a seductive young girl”; "I am a business person"; "I'm going on a business trip, hunting, walking..." In each case, I dress up according to the circumstances. Appearance says what role I play at the moment. A soldier, a policeman, a corporate employee, and a janitor who sweeps the street all dress up for their roles.

We change masks not only depending on the situation and mode of action, but also when communicating with different people. Each person has many masks, and he is able to change them with amazing speed. Every time we change roles consciously or unconsciously, we also change their symbols - masks. Communicating with one person, I play one role and put on the mask that is required for this, with another - the role and the mask for it are different. For some, these changes are not difficult. You may have met people - at parties, for example - who can change masks with lightning speed. Watching a person who knows how to move in society as he moves from one group to another is like watching a great actor instantly enter a new character. Sometimes the difference between the masks is almost imperceptible, sometimes the differences are so sharp that they are striking. Having changed the mask, the same person suddenly appears before you in a new image: a serious worker, a joker, a lover, a cynic or an enthusiast.

Some masks we put on consciously: among people of little interest to us, we smile, laugh at stupid anecdotes, and pretend to listen carefully when our thoughts soar far away; We make sad faces at funerals. Sometimes, of course, the mask reflects true, spontaneous experiences: we can laugh with happiness and cry because we are in grief - but even in this case, our gestures and facial expressions, appropriate to the moment, are not innate, but are acquired at a very early age. by imitation. Even some of the most elementary forms of self-expression - for example, a nod in agreement - are not universal, but are accepted only in one or another ethnic group. Most people's collections of masks are simply amazing in their richness: there are thousands of them!

The habit of wearing a mask is given to us from birth. From early childhood, long before the child utters the first word, he learns to scream not in pain, but to attract the attention of his parents, smiles to win someone's favor, and generally plays shows. From childhood, we are taught to speak politely with strangers, because this is part of human relationships. Social pressure forces us to keep within the bounds of decorum. We can't hit someone we don't like, but we can't afford to show love to anyone we like, again because of secular conventions. Sometimes we put on a comic or tragic mask, a mask of boredom or indifference, self-confidence or ridicule - all these are masks accepted in society.

We are accustomed to act with each other as if we are acting out a play, knowing our roles by heart, while our manners serve us as much as a disguise, like clothes. “Excuse me, please”, “How are you?”, “I wish you a good time” - all these words are just a mask of politeness imposed on us by the environment. A well-calculated formal bow is an indispensable attribute of social behavior among the Japanese, while in some other national environment the same role is played by a pat on the back.

Society tends to make people appear worse than they really are, although we don't always realize this. Sometimes we demonize ourselves just to be accepted in a certain circle. In militarized circles, you need to appear tough, harsh and courageous - only in this case you will be accepted as one of your own; the so-called "high society" requires a person to be witty, unprincipled and cynical. Wearing a mask is not only a way of self-affirmation, but also a necessary condition for creating close, intimate relationships. Many years ago a young woman came to me on the eve of her wedding with a series of questions about marriage. Shortly before that, she had become Jewish, but psychologically and emotionally she belonged to the generation of the sixties. We talked about how she imagines her relationship with her husband. Since she went through the hippie school, her ideal of married life was based on complete trust and openness. I told her (although this may not sound like rabbi advice) that being married does not mean that you are constantly in a courtroom where you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. ( No, in truth, this was the real advice of the rabbi - see the Babylonian Talmud, "Yevamot", 65b).

There is no need to lay out all the ins and outs about yourself to each other, you can skip something. About six months later, I met her husband and realized that she did not heed my advice. With the naked eye, you could see how he was suffering. She not only told him everything she thought about him at any given moment, but also spoke in detail about her past. I realized that the poor husband could not bear so much truth.

The positive side of wearing a mask is that it serves to protect our inner self, and sometimes protects others from it. We are forced to wear it in order to maintain the normal course of society, to protect other people, and not harm them. After all, a sharp, rude and unceremonious word is quite capable of destroying a person. One and the same thought can be expressed in a conversation with him both harshly, categorically, and more gently, sparing his feelings.

The mask has a lot of functions, and it is dangerous to take it off. Sometimes the mask, like clothing, covers nakedness; sometimes it is a shield, and sometimes it is massive iron armor. The body must be protected both from overheating or burns, and from severe hypothermia. Physical and psychological nudity have much in common: in both cases, both the mask and the clothing provide a survival advantage. This is not a lie, but a shield, armor, part of the necessary measures that a person is forced to take in order not to die.

Everyone wears a mask, and everyone knows that this is not the person's real face. Do we, by putting it on, commit forgery, falsification? What relationship does a person have with her? The mask reveals and hides at the same time. In a sense, every word is a mask of some idea.

There is always a complex and intricate relationship between the inner "I" (if it exists) and its disguises. We are not mindless beings, we are conscious and use masks of our own choice, which, however, reflects our inner essence. Whenever a person puts on a mask, consciously or unconsciously, it is never completely alien to him and inevitably reflects at least part of the truth about his true self.

We put on a mask as something facing the outside world, but choosing it is a consequence of internal processes, their result, even if we think that we are imitating someone. The image chosen by a person in which he wants to appear before others is no less important for understanding his personality than the study of the inner world. Since our disguises are the result of permanent changes associated with age, status, the requirements of society, we do not have a chosen once and for all, fixed appearance - our mask evolves with us. Where does the shell end and the essence begin? Is the turtle shell her home? Shelter? Is it possible to imagine a turtle without a shell? Of course, there is a huge difference between it and a man: a turtle cannot change its shell at will. Man is a more complex being, and therefore he is able to change and indeed does change his masks. However, we create an image, and it, in turn, affects the formation of personality. There are many works in fiction on the topic of how a person who has carried a mask for a long time cannot take it off, and if he does, he finds that his face without a mask has retained a resemblance to it, although he no longer wants to wear it .

If a change of image is possible, then there must be a true "I" that does this. Is there any at all, is it possible to completely get rid of the mask? A person cannot be seen without it even in his bedroom. He always plays a role - both being among well-dressed people and lying naked under a blanket - although, of course, we are talking about completely different roles. The mask will be different, but it will still remain the same. It seems that we will never be able to completely get rid of the masks.

In many cultures there is a fear of physical exposure, but spiritual exposure is even more fearful. We feel that there is a lot of bad things inside us that can cause disgust, irritation or laughter in others. Therefore, we continue to play roles, fearing to go out of character and expose what is hidden inside. Years of living and studying add new layers to the protective shell of our existence. They can be peeled off one by one, like layers of an onion, but what is left in the end? We are frightened by the idea that our whole being resembles an onion, and if you remove layer after layer from it, then nothing will remain as a result.

On the other hand, we tend to undress. A warrior returning from the battlefield wants to take off his armor, a businessman, once at home, wants to throw off his jacket and tie. In the same way, many veils of politeness or respectability tire us out, and we may develop a desire to expose what is hidden under them. We hope that by being naked, we will find lightness, freedom, even happiness. Sometimes it seems to us that if we were able to throw off the masks of education or intelligence, we would discover our inner essence under them. This feeling is based on the assumption that ordinary people are more truthful, authentic, real, artless. Is it so? A “naked” person, a primitive person, a person without a mask - is he more honest and more natural than in a mask? Is it imposed or as natural as aspects of personality known only to ourselves? Is it right to consider a naked person more natural than a well-dressed gentleman? The "Real Adam" - Naked or Clothed?

So what happens when people take off their “clothes” and say what they think? Let's express the same thought in a different way so that it looks more picturesque. Suppose I say to someone, “I want to see you as you really are. Get undressed! The man undresses, remains completely naked. Then I say: “No, this is not enough. You are still dressed. Take off all the flesh. We have to get to the deepest point. To the bone." Is the skeleton really more authentic than the human body with flesh and blood? Is this the essence of man? Is it better to see the "real person"?

But does a person who undergoes psychoanalysis really know the true self? Removing all the layers, one after another, reveals not at all the “true” essence of the personality, but only another facet of it. All this is a partial reality. A small child, having learned to take off clothes from a doll, will begin to undress all the dolls that fall under his arm. Then he will try to undress the dog. Perhaps children have a truly scientific curiosity: they want to see the truth, to know what is inside every thing.

What is behind this metaphor? What is the true essence of man? Are the garments we wear as adults worse than what we were born with? If you deprive a person of everything he has acquired during his life and leave only what was originally inherent in him, he will not become cleaner from this. The pure spiritual essence of the individual belongs to another world; it is not all his inner "I". Personality is of a combined nature and includes flesh, blood, feelings, mind, temperament, soul and ... masks.

The true "I" most likely does not exist. His search is not to answer the question whether it is possible to be completely naked, and not whether such exposure reveals the real truth. The main thing is to understand whether such a tearing of the covers can be considered an achievement. That naked being that will appear before us - is it better than the former man? Or vice versa: a changed, civilized, smart person is higher in his level?

Here is a story about a meeting between Rabbi Akiva and the Roman governor of Palestine, Tinney Rufus (whom the Jews called the tyrant Rufus), to illustrate this confusing issue. A philosophical dispute took place between them, which was connected, on the one hand, with the spiritual collapse of paganism in Rome itself, and on the other hand, with political friction between the Jewish population and the Roman rulers. ( This happened around 130 AD. e., before the uprising of Bar Kokhba against the Romans. Rabbi Akiva was one of the greatest thinkers of his time, indeed, of all time. Tinney Rufus did not win this argument; he completed it later by simply ordering the execution of his opponent).

The Roman asked Rabbi Akiva: “Which is higher, nature or what people do with it?” Rabbi Akiva answered without hesitation: “What people do is higher.” The Roman asked the following question: "Can man create heaven and earth?" “No,” Akiva said, “we cannot create heaven and earth, but what people can do, they do better. Look, on the one hand, at the stalk of flax, and on the other, at the cloth made from it; look at the heap of wheat and the loaf of bread. Which of these creations is higher? Finding no answer, the Roman asked, "Tell me, why are you circumcised?" Tinney Rufus wanted to prove that nature is more perfect than the creations of human hands, thereby refuting one of the main provisions of Judaism, which says that man is an accomplice in the matter of Creation, he is responsible for this world and is obliged to transform it, making it better. Rabbi Akiva did not allow him to develop this thought. He didn't mean to be joking, and his words weren't a tactical ploy. From the position presented by Rabbi Akiva, far-reaching conclusions follow. A natural, natural object is not necessarily higher or more perfect. A person who is dressed, and therefore more fit, moves to another, higher level of perfection.

The Biblical commandment concerning the clergy says: "And make them a linen underclothes to cover their nakedness, from the waist to the knees" ("Exodus", 28:42). This commandment is not intended to accustom the clergy to modesty, so that no one could see the intimate parts of their bodies naked (they wore long shirts to the very ankles). She, apparently, pursues a different goal: to hide the nakedness of the priests from themselves.

This dress has a symbolic meaning and is necessary for some rituals, but it also has a psychological meaning. Each person has something that is better to hide from everyone, including yourself. The desire to expose the hidden is not always commendable. Clothing does not help us get rid of our secrets, but only hides them. Constantly turning to them and exposing them to the public, you can cause yourself severe harm. There are negative aspects in every person's personality that should be suppressed and hidden away so that there is no temptation to develop them and even make them dominant. We all have a flaw in us that we often don't even realize. As long as evil is hidden, a person can still somehow fight against it, but when it is exposed, the fragile balance of his "I" is disturbed and evil becomes more dangerous than when it was in a latent state. The French philosopher Montaigne wrote that if people were punished for their thoughts, then everyone would deserve to be hanged several times a day.

Such suppression can be seen not only as a defense mechanism against outsiders - it also protects people from themselves.

There is such an Aramaic expression: "That the heart does not open the mouth." In the same way, there are things that the heart does not reveal even to itself. Only exceptional people can peer into the abyss of their soul without trembling. Peering into it is like punching through a crust of caked lava in a crater: a red-hot mass can break out and incinerate everything around.

Thus, the mask of chastity is nothing more than a means of self-defense. It should be removed with great care and as little as possible. “The most deceitful of all is the human heart and utterly depraved; who knows him?" - said the prophet Jeremiah (17:9). G‑d naturally knows this; some of the people suspect that this is the case, but it is more convenient to be ignorant. The cover is not a deception, but rather a way of containment and control. Everything in a person should be in interaction with each other, he should use what he has wisely, but first of all, he should keep his internal predators in a cage.

At one of the debates about mercy, the sages spoke of those who pretend to need donations, but in fact can do without them. They argued that a person who pretended to be lame and begged for alms on the basis of this would not die until he actually became lame, and that the one who pretended to be sick would be driven to the grave by the very disease that he feigned. The mask becomes reality. The mask has a very great influence on a person, even against his will. One of the participants in this dispute said: “So it is with those who pretend to be lame. And what then awaits the one who pretends to be a saint? The answer is the same: he will not die until he becomes a saint. And this is really a punishment, because the life of a saint is immeasurably harder than the life of a saint. But this is also a reward - for the fact that a person put on just such a mask.

The Midrash says that on Mount Sinai, the Lord appeared before everyone in the same guise in which He appeared before to man. According to Jewish concepts, a leader is a person who is able to find an individual approach to everyone. Maybe this is a gift from God: to be able to appear in front of a person the way he wants to see you.

Perhaps the root question is not whether a person can be naked, and not whether he should do it, but what kind of mask he should wear. In what way should I dress up my personality so that it looks the most exalted? Man and his mask, nature and artifact, hand and tool - all this is interconnected. Human nature is unique: we have been given the ability to choose our own mask - a demon or an angel.

Notes

“Kohelet of the Servant”, 12:9, “Midrash Tehillim”, Psalm 9.
Mishnah, "Pea", 8:9.
Shemot of a servant, 5:9.

The well-known writer, TV presenter, author of a number of books on the psychology of communication, Andrey Maksimov, who created his own communication system that not only helps people get rid of loneliness, but also changes their worldview, tells how to remove the mask from the interlocutor and what to do after that.

We all know the popular phrase of Shakespeare: they say, the whole world is a theater, in it women, men are all actors.

One of the most famous psychiatrists of our time, Everett Shostrom, writes about this even more harshly: “The paradox of modern man is that, being not only a rational, but also an educated being, he drives himself into a state of unconsciousness and a low level of vitality ... We habitually put on this or that mask - each of them has several - and we take part in a common masquerade, calling it life.

Well said, but the question remains: why are we doing this? Realizing that very often - not to say constantly - we behave insincerely, lying to ourselves and others, we very rarely think about the question: for what purpose are we playing? We are used to the fact that life is a masquerade, and we don’t even ask ourselves the question: why, in fact, do we put on a mask?

What are masks and what are they used for?

Carnival masks. They seem to transform a person into another being. Children are very fond of such masks: they like that in just a second you can turn into a kitten or a spider-man. Literally in a second, you can become different, not who you really are.

Knightly masks. Goalkeeper masks. Masks for swimming in the water. All of them serve not to transform a person into someone else, but to protect him.

That invisible mask that we put on every day combines these two properties: the mask transforms us into another person to protect us. In other words: a person plays a role because he is afraid of something. What exactly is he afraid of?

Everyone is afraid of being offended.

What does it mean? He is afraid that he will be told, pointed out, shown, hinted at, proved that his place is not even in the center of life.

When the boss puts on the mask of a strict leader, he is afraid that his subordinates will not perceive him as a boss and may offend him. When a girl in love puts on a mask of indifference, she is afraid that if she is sincere, she will be offended. When the head waiter in a restaurant puts on the mask of a hospitable host, he is afraid that you will not like the restaurant, you will not come here again and he will be offended. This fear is deeper and deeper than the fear that the restaurant will lose money because of your absence. When a child puts on a mask of humility and obedience, he is afraid that he will be punished. When a person, communicating with you, puts on a mask of a cool one, this most often happens because he is afraid: you will understand that he is actually not so cool, and offend him.

Consciously or unconsciously, realizing this or not, we are all afraid of the aggression of the world. We are afraid that the world will show us our place - somewhere on the sidelines of life.

Such fear can be expressed in excessive rudeness or in ostentatious humility - this does not change things. The roots are the same.

What is the mask that a person puts on made of?

Metaphorically speaking, it is made of wax: it seems solid, but is easily melted by heat.

So, a mask that is put on a person can be melted by our heat. How can we show this warmth? To make a person feel like the center of the world.

It is most important. Behave and talk to a person in such a way that he understands that he is now the basis and center of your world.

We talked quite a lot about how to achieve this, we will not repeat ourselves.

We can compliment the person.

Moreover, we love doing it. It seems to us that there is nothing easier than complimenting people.

This is not true. Saying complements is extremely difficult and even dangerous.

Since the person wearing the mask expects aggression from the world, he can very easily see irony in your compliment, which will make his mask even stronger.

If you still decide to compliment your interlocutor, you need to remember: compliments are divided into sincere and those that interfere with communication, and sometimes destroy it.

Remember: coming up with a beautiful compliment that your interlocutor considers sincere is an art that few master. It makes sense to resort to compliments only if you are convinced that you are an expert in this art.

We can ask questions that make the interlocutor remember. Firstly, such questions, as we have already said, “soften” a person, make him think about the good and, thus, help to remove the mask.

Secondly, such questions show that you are interested in your counterpart, you are interested in his life, he is interesting to you as a person.

Does this mean that, taking off the mask from a person, we should forget about questions that make you think?

By no means!

We often see on TV or hear on the radio officials answering journalists' questions with pre-prepared answers. They speak as if not in words, but in blocks of words.

In this case, the interview turns out to be formal, it does not provide any information, that is, useful and / or interesting news.

This can happen when you are talking to your boss, to a friend, to your spouse, to a child... Yes, to anyone!

Actually, family scandals are when a wife and husband put on certain masks (as a rule, masks of offended people) and ask each other questions they know, to which they know the answers very well.

In order to turn a family scandal into an interview, you need questions that make you think.

I had to talk with politicians more than once, and I noticed that simple questions: “How?”, “Why?”, “Why did you decide so?” - make them first stop the flow of speech, then think, and then the mask itself flies off their face.

The boss says: “The economic crisis. I can’t raise your salary because there is not enough money.” This can be countered with a polite question: “Does this mean that I should not do more than what I did for the old salary?”

The child says: “I can’t come from school and immediately sit down for lessons. I'm tired". “I see,” you smile. “Now imagine that you are yourself and you yourself have a child who does not do homework. What will you do? Will you leave him? But then he will constantly receive deuces and in the end he will remain for the second year. How to be?".

Questions that make you remember melt the mask.
Questions that make you think, take off the mask.

And here you have to navigate yourself: when, what questions and how to ask.

So, an invisible mask from your interlocutor can be removed in different ways.

However, we must remember: if in the future you do something that will cause distrust of your interlocutor, and he will put on a mask again, then this will no longer be protection from wax, but - let's say - from cast iron and steel. And it will be much more difficult to remove it than the first one.

Let's figure it out.

We live in a rather aggressive world. It is obvious that when you come to the interlocutor, if he does not expect aggression from you, then he assumes that it can be.

You said a compliment. You smiled. You asked a question that turned your counterpart into pleasant memories and convinced him that you were interested in his life.

In other words: you have managed to prove that you are not aggressive. The interlocutor disarms: opens to meet you. Provides you with exactly the information you came for.

And suddenly you strike him. A stupid, sharp question (we'll talk about them a little later). Or an insincere compliment. Or an expressed desire to find out something about your interlocutor that he categorically hides ...

But you never know how there are still ways and opportunities to destroy trust? ..

The interlocutor feels deceived: only he felt himself the center of the world, and suddenly - such ...

It is clear that he will again begin to protect himself. It is also clear that this - the second - protection will be much more serious and powerful than the first. Is it always necessary to remove the mask from the interlocutor, or is it sometimes easier not to notice it?

Before you set yourself the task of removing the mask from your interviewee, you must firmly understand whether you need to do this or not.

In fact, this question is formulated as follows: in order to obtain information, is it more convenient, more profitable, more correct for you to see a social function or a living person in front of you?

We can only talk about removing the mask if you see a living person in front of you.

You were stopped by a traffic police inspector. He is always wearing the mask of the most important boss of the world. It is often easier to play along with him in this role than to remove the mask from him for a long time.

A subordinate has come to you who does his job poorly. He plays the role of a servant ready for anything. If you want him to do his job well and consciously, you will have to work to ensure that he takes off his mask, get to the bottom of his human essence and, thus, influence him. If it is enough for you that he performs his functions formally and clearly, there is no need to do all this.

You have a serious conversation (interview) with your child, let's say about his academic performance. The child is terribly afraid that his parents will offend him - and honestly plays the role of a delinquent student. Again, it's up to you to decide whether you need a serious, human conversation with your own child or a formal "stick" is enough.

It seems interesting to me that almost all famous cities wear masks - this is a general idea about them, some myth that has been created, say, about Moscow and Paris, about Jerusalem and London, about New York and Rio de Janeiro ...

Do you want to get to know the city - get information from it - or is a familiar, universal look enough for you? This is your choice.

But if you want to interview the city, you must ask the city questions that will make you think. Why are there such people and such a crowd? What did this city experience and how did it emerge from these trials? Why do people in Munich restaurants sit and talk differently than in Moscow restaurants?

An interview with a famous city - a city that has a myth - is always the unmasking of it.

And when you talk to yourself - you are engaged in introspection - do you also need to take off the mask?

If a conversation with yourself should be preceded by removing the mask, it means that your life is developing so tragically that you urgently need to change something both in yourself and in life.

The need to remove the mask from oneself, it seems to me, is not a problem, but a diagnosis.

If a person plays a role in front of himself, it means that he absolutely does not trust himself. And who does he trust then?

God (Nature) created man with a certain face. He attached the mask to himself, fearing that he would be offended.

If the mask has stuck to the face in such a way that it cannot be torn off, then the person ceases to be a proper person: God (Nature) created him differently.

Are you unable to deal with this problem? So, you need to contact a specialist or friends. But living with such a diagnosis is wrong.

Many people are convinced that in order to remove the mask from a person, one must ask him sharp, unpleasant questions. Like, such questions reveal a person.

Is it so?

Should you ask hard questions?

We go to the head of the DEZ to find out why the promised repairs are not being made in our entrance. Or we go to the boss to ask why the promised bonus is not paid. Or we go to our child to understand why he skips school. What are we setting ourselves up for? What questions are running through our heads? Even if at this moment we are not predicting the future, but preparing for it, what kind of future are we preparing for?

Let's agree that we often assume the following: I will ask the head of the DEP if he understands that he receives a salary from my taxes and therefore is obliged to help me? I will ask my boss if he thinks it is possible to work normally if the subordinate does not trust the boss? I will ask my child if he understands that if he skips school, he will stay for the second year?

Not only do we set ourselves up for conflict in this way, but we also expect to ask questions that will “close” the interlocutor for us and will not allow us to get the information we need from him.

After all, what are, in essence, acute questions?

These are attack questions, questions with which we attack our interlocutor.

What does a person do when attacked?

Protected, closed.

Why do we ask tough questions?

Because we want to say: "Hello, it's me!" We expect to show our own "coolness", courage and originality.

We might even succeed. It is likely that after such a beginning of the conversation, we will feel our strength and significance.

But getting information from a closed person is almost impossible.

Does this mean that during the conversation it is generally impossible to ask sharp questions?

Of course, one thing can be said: one should never start communication with acute questions.

However, during a conversation (interview) there are situations when the interlocutor, despite all your efforts, does not provide you with the necessary information or even categorically does not answer your questions.

When all other methods of obtaining information have been used - and only in this case - you can use provocation.

A provocation in an interview can only arise as a result of an unsuccessful conversation.

Provocation in an interview is a method of conducting a conversation in which you deliberately annoy the interlocutor, hoping that this will help to obtain the necessary information.

You can ask all your sharp questions to the head of the DEZ, your boss or your own child, only if you feel the senselessness and formality of the current conversation.

I will give an example from my own television practice.

A long time ago, already, perhaps, more than ten years ago, the famous rock singer Konstantin Kinchev was on the air of the Night Flight program.

The conversation with him obviously did not go well: he answered all the questions reluctantly, lazily, as if doing me a favor.

Realizing that the conversation was clearly not going on, I asked him:

"Tell me, don't you want to talk to me?"

The question is clearly provocative.

Kinchev answered in surprise:

- Do not want.

- Why did you come? I asked.

- The producer said that we need to advertise a new record.

Kinchev showed a new disc.

But as a man, of course, smart, he realized that the situation was unpleasant and wrong, that he looked, as they say, not comme il faut. He had no other choice but to pack up. A normal conversation followed.

A sharp, unpleasant, provocative question is a serious weapon. And, like any serious weapon, in a conversation (interview) it should be used rarely and forcedly. When other methods of obtaining information did not work.

This is a weapon with which - perhaps - you will unmask your interlocutor. Just tear it apart.

But if the provocation fails, if it does not reveal the interlocutor, then it will close him forever. The conversation can be ended.

It's one thing when a person puts on a mask, and, you see, it's completely different when he's lying.

How to recognize that the interlocutor is lying, and what to do in this case?

Man is so interestingly invented by God (Nature) that it is inconvenient for him to lie.

The classic argued that telling the truth is easy and pleasant. Accordingly: lying is hard and unpleasant.

The very fact that it is difficult and unpleasant for a person to lie indicates that lying is unnatural.

Remember, the heroine of the great film "Formula of Love" Gorina - Zakharova claimed: when you love - then you can see?

Paraphrasing this formula, we can safely say: when they lie, then you can see.

Precisely because it is unnatural for a person to lie, he will certainly betray himself.

Suddenly a person becomes overly fussy, his eyes start to run. Pauses occur in speech that not only surprise you, but obviously annoy the speaker himself. He begins to fidget in his chair, as if it is uncomfortable for him to sit.

Or, on the contrary, he will begin to speak with excessive inspiration, pathos, but at the same time his eyes seem to be a little frightened.

In my life, I have met very few people who know how to lie, as they say, organically. They are. But, fortunately, they are not the majority.

In short, if you pay attention to your counterpart, you will certainly see that he is lying.

We have already said more than once that an interview is given by a free person. And when he begins to fantasize too much or lie, he seems to be captured by his own fantasies, his own lies.

Any lack of freedom is an unnatural state. When a person suddenly begins to behave unusually, this should alert you.

Entire books have been written about how to recognize a lie. Books, however, about what they just do not write!

In fact, in most cases you feel a lie of a person.

Another thing: in order to understand where the lie is and where the truth is, non-verbal signs are no longer enough.

Our guards can help here - our questions.

If it seems to you that a person is giving you false information, try to ask him so-called closed questions, that is, those that require a clear answer: “yes” or “no”, or those that require a specific answer.

As a rule, when a person, as they say, is pushed against the wall and asked questions to which he must unequivocally answer, it becomes unbearably hard for him to lie and dodge.

You need to interview the child about whether he skipped school today or not. As a rule, in this situation we come from afar, start asking: - how was it at school today, what's new ... A child can tell a lot of things.

You can act differently.

You're asking:

Did you skip school today?

“No,” your child says.

But by looking at him, you understand that this is not true.

A number of specific questions: “How many children were in the class today?”, “What were the lessons?”, “What did they give for breakfast?” - make him give up.

If you want to get information from a person, you should not pretend that you do not notice that he is lying.

A person whom you caught lying once during a conversation will most likely not lie to you again.

He may become irritated for a while. He may even interrupt the conversation.

But if he continues it, he will tell the truth.

A person who is convinced that you do not understand that he is lying will continue to do this. And that means that the interview as a way of obtaining information will cease to make sense.

We all wear masks. Not real of course. This is a conditional definition of our hypocrisy. A person skillfully hides his inner essence under a fictitious image, which he puts on public display.

The article lists 6 main types of "masks" that are widespread among people.

Remaining yourself in any circumstances is very difficult. This requires a huge investment of mental energy and courage. Most of us are not ready for such sacrifices. Therefore, in order to maintain peace of mind and comfort, we “wear masks”.

Look around. You will see countless faces. Gloomy, funny, angry, ironic, indifferent, mocking. But they are not at all what they seem. Behind each face lies its own, radically different from what we see, inner world.

It may sound paradoxical, but masks protect our souls from external negative influences and save the psyche from shocks. The protection is very reliable, but fraught with dangers. The fact is that the invented protective image has the ability to "grow" into the human essence and transform it.

Here, for example, we can cite an ancient parable. It tells about a traveler. Traveling on earth, he got into the world of the deaf and dumb. The man had a magnificent voice, a delicate ear, but he was forced to portray himself as one of all. Years passed, and the traveler returned to his world. But when he tried to sing and listen to the surrounding reality, he was horrified to find that he did not succeed. He lost his gift, becoming deaf and dumb.

What we all wear is classifiable. In total, there are 6 main types of masks, which we will now consider.

Strong and confident personality

Such a mask is usually worn by leaders of all ranks. They are required to do so by their position. In private life, women married to weak and weak-willed men climb the imaginary throne of the leader. They take on all the hardships of family life and in the eyes of others look like absolute mistresses. Their husbands are “under their heels”, their children study diligently, the house is in perfect order.

Anger is constantly present in the souls of such heroines, since the invented image very often has nothing to do with the true one. The imperious lady is aging very quickly, because her body is weakened by internal contradictions. A woman wants to be weak, defenseless, desirable, but every day she has to put on the mask of an energetic and self-confident ruler.

Good nature and complaisance

This "disguise" is characteristic of weak-willed men. They develop psychological defense against stronger people. Salvation from negativity is found in the garage, drinking a bottle with neighbors at the end of the day. Fishing, going to the bathhouse or to a football match also helps. Such people constantly experience guilt before themselves and loved ones. Somewhere in the depths of their souls, they understand that they could have achieved more in life, but they lived mediocre for many years that cannot be returned. These people often make alcoholics, which exacerbates the problem even more.

sacrifice

There are individuals in life who are ready to sacrifice themselves for the sake of another person. They create idols for themselves, while refusing a career and material wealth. In return, they receive nothing. But their behavior only at first glance seems strange. In reality, every action of such people is subject to rigid logic. In early childhood, they were constantly ignored, belittled. As a result, an all-consuming feeling of resentment arose in the soul.

It must be drowned out, exalted in your own eyes and the eyes of those around you. And here the panacea is selfless sacrifice. It always causes a feeling of respect, and sometimes compassion. Such a mask is mainly characteristic of women, since their psyche is more vulnerable and focused on public opinion. These representatives of the fair sex are happy in their own way and consider this lifestyle worthy.

Eternal clown

There are people who always make everyone laugh. They know a bunch of anecdotes, jokes, jokes. It is simply impossible to see them seriously, and it seems that such personalities have an easy, thoughtless and reckless nature. But this is deception. In reality, it's not like that. Fear constantly sits in the soul of the "eternal clown". He is afraid of being unnecessary and useless.

Most often in childhood, such a person was an unwanted child. The kid constantly felt it and was deeply worried. Years passed, but the fear remained. Therefore, feigned gaiety is a protective mask "grown into the soul" from the once experienced indifference and disregard from the closest people.

Sole of company

Such people strive to be the first in any activity. Big companies always set the tone. They sing best of all, dance best of all, say beautiful toasts and enjoy universal respect and admiration. Their behavior is always relaxed and confident, and the attention of others is taken for granted. But all this is just a mask behind which the main thing is hidden - spiritual emptiness and fear of the future.

Having created the image of a winner and a minion of fate, such a person is very afraid of defeat. He is deeply convinced that the world around him does nothing but closely observe his successes. But no one is immune from mistakes. Anyone can stumble, and for the "soul of the company" such a scenario means a complete collapse. He can not bear the thought of losing his status in the eyes of others.

This pattern of behavior, as a rule, is imposed on the child in childhood. Everyone loves him, indulges and inspires that he is the best. Gradually, a deep conviction arises in the rightness of parents. But with age comes life experience, and with it the understanding that adults were wrong. It's hard to admit it to yourself. Hence the fear of possible failures that can deal a serious blow to an already established psyche.

Grey mouse

A person does not stand out from the crowd. He is calm, self-possessed, there are not enough stars from the sky and does not attract increased attention to himself. At school, this is a solid "good student", in production - a conscientious worker. There are no problems from such a person, so people like her.

But no one even realizes that behind the external balance lies a feeling of deepest loneliness and emotional isolation. Sometimes "gray mice" commit suicide which shocks the people around. But they never challenge society or go to the barricades. High spiritual impulses are absolutely alien to them. This mask is very popular these days. The modern world is very selfish, and therefore gives rise to "gray mice" in large numbers.

In conclusion, it should be noted that masks help not only to live, but to survive. At the same time, they must be periodically removed so that they do not "grow" into the soul and do not replace the true human essence.

Otherwise, there is a high probability of staying on stage forever. After all, the world is a theater, and we are all actors. What psychological roles do you play?

The creation of a mask is an attempt to protect oneself, to hide one's basic psychological trauma from oneself and from others. Angelina Sham, business coach, expert in business psychology, will tell about the variety of masks and behavior with their wearers

Have you noticed that people at work in certain situations behave unpredictably and inadequately: capriciously, painfully, childishly? Unfortunately, traditional management tools are powerless to deal with such a situation. The person seems to be losing control of the emotions that have captured him, and you cannot break through their mask to discuss the issue calmly and in a businesslike way.

If any person is asked the question: “Do you want to live life happily, easily and joyfully?”, then everyone will answer: “Yes, of course.” However, something constantly prevents this, and for the hundredth time people choose to suffer, be afraid and feel inadequate. The reason for this is our childhood psychological trauma, early traumatic experience in relationships with parents and loved ones. We must admit that parents are not perfect. Nature has not yet created such a mother or father who is always calm and gentle towards the child, finds the necessary time and love for him, and does not show any negative emotions even in the most difficult situations.

Children in childhood often suffer from the "unfriendly" behavior of their parents. Should we blame the parents for this and feel sorry for the children? Not at all. Nature does not design everything by chance. A person in his life must go through a certain path of growing up his soul in order to become a strong and holistic personality. Parents, as if on purpose of nature, “injure” the child so that he learns forgiveness and acceptance, learns to value himself and other people, and begins to live consciously and happily.

If parental traumas become too painful for a child, he puts on a psychological protective mask to protect himself from traumatic experiences in the future. However, it often happens that the mask becomes a habitual way for a person to respond to any situation that reminds him of a childhood painful experience.

1. For example, there are people who wear invisibility mask . Has it ever happened that you noticed a new employee six months after the start of his work?

The Invisible Man questions his very right to exist. His body usually appears fragile and appears to be incompletely formed. Such people actually turn out to be smart and prudent, but, unfortunately, they do not feel their value. The reason for this is the trauma of uselessness and undesirability by parents experienced in childhood. Apparently, the child in childhood felt that he was superfluous at this “celebration of life”. He learned to live with the feeling that he is nobody and nothing, you can even hear it in his words: “My supervisor said that I am nobody in these matters, I will have to leave.” The invisible seeks salvation in solitude and is afraid of the attention of others. It is difficult for him to be in a team, to accept the love and recognition of those who are nearby.

One day, with one manager, we were walking through the production workshop of his company. He approached the fragile boy at the computer, patted him lightly on the shoulder, said something briefly, and we moved on. "What have you done now?" I inquired. “This guy has only been with us for two weeks, but he has already come up with an interesting “ratsuha,” said my client. “I wanted to thank him for this, but I was warned that he was painfully shy, and I didn’t want to injure him in front of everyone.” Well done leader!

Advice. If such a person works in your environment, take care of his mask, do not demand closeness, openness, publicity from him. Respect his shyness and desire to remain invisible. Then you will keep his comfort and will be able to use all his intellectual potential and efficiency.

2. The second mask you may encounter in the office is addicted person mask . This man in childhood painfully experienced loneliness. Either one of his parents left the family, or he was sent to a camp or to his grandmother for a long time. His traumatized childish brain decided that he would no longer let people go. Dependent people have a weak sagging body, sad eyes, long helpless dangling arms. A vivid image of such a person is the image of the Kid from the cartoon about Carlson: always sad, lonely, who created a fictitious friend for himself for entertainment.

In a working relationship, this person loves to be a victim, to attract attention with his helplessness, to arouse pity for himself; cries easily, clings to people, painfully perceives criticism as a threat of separation, constantly seeks advice, but does not follow it. They seem to fall into different stories on purpose in order to attract attention and not feel lonely.

Advice. To build a productive working relationship with an addict, do not support his game, do not get involved in his emotional stories, do not "treat" his problems. Otherwise, you will give a false sense of intimacy with you, and sooner or later this will become a problem in your work. Build a working positive relationship with him initially, without switching to friendship and intimacy.

3. The third mask - masochist mask . This man was very shamed and humiliated in his childhood. Perhaps a strict despotic mother always found fault with the child and was dissatisfied with his appearance, behavior, manners. His fragile soul had no choice but to transform humiliation into love, hence the formation of a masochistic personality type. As a rule, fat, awkward, untidy, with pimples and a sniffing nose, he is ready to evoke a feeling of disgust with his whole appearance.

However, he, like the rest, wants to be significant and loved, therefore, to his own detriment, he tries to be very good, takes on a mountain of work, and shows unnecessary concern for others. He takes criticism with pleasure, thanks you for it, as if you gave him pleasure. It is easy for him to manipulate and use him, because his own dignity is undermined by trauma, and he does not feel personal boundaries, letting anyone in and suffering from it.

At first glance, it seems that they are ideal performers, meekly taking on any tasks. However, if the injury is strong and the mask is strong, then they do it with only one goal - to fail the task and receive a portion of punishment. They struggle with personal transformation and find it difficult to lead others.

Advice. Since in the desire to be good, he is ready to accept any job, do not fall into this trap. Dosed tasks, frequent and regular monitoring, well-deserved praise in case of success, learning analysis of failure in case of failure. He needs to create a feeling of small well-deserved victories to build self-confidence and a sense of true significance in the team, and not a “whipping boy”.

4. The fourth mask - control mask . This is a mask of power and influence. It is given out first of all by the body radiating power. In men, these are broad beautiful shoulders, eye-catching biceps, protruding chest. In women, this force is concentrated in the abdomen and thighs. The mask of control is formed as a result of childhood experiences of betrayal by parents. Since the child suffers from this pain, in order to protect himself from this suffering, he decides to become strong, responsible, in order to control everything and everyone. The controller is a strong personality with an active life position. A common type of despotic leader. Usually such a person is convinced that he is right, seeks to convince others of it, acts quickly and decisively. Easily manipulates people, hardly trusts them. Faced with a stronger personality, he retreats for fear of losing control. He loves speed and gets annoyed by delay. A person with a mask of control will always add his "five cents" to what others are doing.

He does not raise his subordinates, because he holds power completely in his hands and is afraid to delegate large tasks to them. At some point, such a person becomes a brake on the development of himself, his team and business.

Advice. These people aspire to leadership and are made for it. However, the more traumatized they are, the more vulnerable they are to criticism and feeling out of control. They only recognize greater strength and greater competence than they have. Therefore, if you want to have such people in your environment, you must be an authority for them, otherwise you can drown in power positional wars for power and leadership.

5. And finally, the fifth psychological mask - perfection mask . The person wearing this mask is distinguished by a straight, inflexible, proportional and perfectly shaped body. His movements are constrained, which betray closeness and restraint. The jaws are usually compressed, the neck is proudly straightened, the voice sounds loud and even.

This mask was formed in childhood as a protection against painful parental injustice, when the child decided that he would be impeccable in everything. He has a strong fear of error, he is afraid to seem imperfect. Therefore, the question "how are you" quickly and cheerfully answers: "Fine." He rarely gets sick, does not allow himself weakness, seems cold and insensitive, but looks attractive. In a conflict, he will defend his point of view until he is recognized as right. “Being right is more important than being happy” – this is about them.

These people are characterized by what in psychology is called the word "rigidity", which means "inflexible." They have too strong their own system of beliefs and rules. Attempts to change or correct them during a direct attack will break against his mask. He will do this out of a sincere desire to restore order and achieve justice. Where flexibility of thinking and plasticity of behavior are needed, they will feel their failure. Such people are good as a bulwark of stability and constancy. It is no coincidence that there are many of them in science and in religion, where it is impossible to deviate from the existing paradigm.

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