Wife stopped loving: what to do? Advice, recommendations of a psychologist. What to do if a woman stopped loving her husband

People who decide to tie the knot are sure that they have found their soulmate and are ready to live together the rest of their lives. However, years pass (two, five, ten, and so on), and the relationship cools. Often a situation occurs that the wife fell out of love with her husband and no longer experiences the tremulous feelings for him that were during the honeymoon. The touch and hugs of the once beloved person now cause discomfort or even disgust. Then the woman more often asks the question: “If the wife does not love her husband, is there any point in further marriage?”

Why do feelings go away?

The longer the marriage lasts, the greater the test of the feelings of the spouses. The birth of children, financial problems, nervous work - all this leaves its mark on the psychological situation within the family. Some spouses live by habit or by the fact that everyone lives that way, but others do not want to live married without love, and families break up.

Unloved husband in our time is not so rare. If you conduct a survey with women over 45 and ask everyone the same question: “Do you love your husband?”, Then the answers will be very diverse. Some will remember the habit, respect, duty, while others will answer directly: "It seems to me that I do not love my husband." There will be those women who generally keep silent. I would like to talk about those girls who did not answer the question. So why did they keep silent? Most likely, they no longer love her husband, but are afraid to say it out loud. They are simply afraid to change something in their life and continue to live with their unloved.

So how does it all start? It is difficult to say at what exact moment a habit replaces love. Time passes and the woman realizes that she no longer loves her husband, that he has become a stranger to her. This fact for some becomes a real tragedy, and for others a step into a new life. There are a number of reasons why women's feelings cool.

Very often couples come to see a psychologist, in which the husband suffers from bad habits. Alcoholism, drug addiction, addiction to gambling - can destroy once loving and trusting relationships. There is nothing strange if a wife fell out of love with a degrading and descending spouse. Living together becomes just awful, and as a result, the marriage falls apart.
Reproaches, humiliation, assault by the spouse also contribute to the extinction of feelings.
“I do not love my husband” women most often say after male adultery. Betrayal on his part is quite capable of destroying sincere love at one point.
A lover appeared on the horizon. The woman simply burned with feelings for him and accordingly fell out of love with her husband.
Inattentive attitude of the spouse over time can blunt feelings. The husband ceases to show attention to his wife, does not kiss her, does not call for nothing, love gives way to resentment and alienation.

A few minutes are enough for some ladies to realize that they no longer experience any feelings for their faithful, while others lack life to figure out their relationship.

With a simple test, you can quickly figure out your feelings:

Are you afraid to be alone?
Are you attracted to your husband as a sexual partner?
Do you remember him being in an unfamiliar place?
Do you often recall well-spent days together?
Do you represent yourself and your husband in a joint old age?

If you answered a few questions in the affirmative, chances are you still love your spouse.

I do not like my husband, how to live on?

“I do not like my husband, but I continue to live with him further”, a very widespread judgment of married women. Not everyone wants to change their social status and get divorced. As a rule, confident girls take a decisive step. They are not afraid to be alone, and after a divorce they quickly start a new relationship. But what prevents others from deciding to divorce? Psychologists have carefully studied this problem, and made several conclusions. First of all, the main reason “I do not love my husband, but I don’t get a divorce” is the low self-esteem of the woman. She is afraid that she will not be able to build new relationships and will remain alone for life. Also of great importance for many girls is the married status. Divorced women, especially in small towns and villages where everyone knows each other, cause condemnation and disapproval from others.

The situation is somewhat more complicated if the wife fell out of love with her husband, but the family has common children. According to statistics, this is the most common reason for maintaining a marriage in which love has not lived for a long time. Why women do this, it seems to be clear, they do not want to leave the child without a father. But does the child only need such a sacrifice? In a family where for a long time there is no warmth and affection, mutual understanding and love, you can rarely see happy children. In addition, over time, many women begin to reproach their children for not divorcing them on time, so as not to deprive their father. As a result, the children matured and started their own families, and the time for new relationships was lost.

Another reason for maintaining the marriage, if the wife fell out of love, but continues to live with her husband, is a fear of upcoming problems. To make repairs, move furniture, provide a family financially, all these and other issues do not allow to take a decisive step. Co-purchased housing is one of the main reasons to live in a marriage without love.

If you yourself can not understand your feelings, listen to the recommendations of psychologists, how to understand whether you have fallen out of love or not your soul mate.

In matters of large purchases, you have ceased to consult with your spouse.
You do not feel a reliable male shoulder nearby, there is no sense of security.
A carelessly spoken word becomes an occasion for a grand scandal.
Lack of respect for spouse. For example, he earns less than you, and you constantly point out to him. “I told my husband that I didn’t love him, and he continues to lie in my legs” - an approximate conversation with girlfriends, during which you mock the feelings of a loved one.
You stopped spending free time together. Shopping, movie or theater, you now prefer to do without it. This is a clear sign if the wife fell out of love and wants to break off the relationship.
It is difficult for you to be in the same room with your spouse;
Touch, even casual, disgusts you;
There is no sex in your family for a long time.

By the listed signs, you can find out that the wife fell out of love with her husband, and the need arose on both sides to take decisive action. Psychologist's advice on what to do if you fall out of love with your husband are as follows:

The decision to leave or stay only for you, do not listen to the opinions of friends and relatives. Only you have the right to make such a serious decision in your life.
Think about what causes your feelings to fade. Perhaps in the following respects you take this experience into account.
Talk to your husband. In a relaxed atmosphere, perhaps you will find a way out together and give a second chance to your relationship.
If you are wondering “I don’t know if I love my husband” during pregnancy, do not rush to file for divorce, most likely you just have a jump in hormones.
Seek help from a psychologist. Maybe it just seems to you that the feelings have passed, and a conversation with a psychologist will help to understand them.

Women's online forums are full of headlines "I do not like my husband, what to do?" Family relationships are so complex and inconsistent that no one knows what to expect, say, in a year or ten. If you think your feelings for your husband have cooled, do not rush to run to get a divorce. Consider the current situation, perhaps this is just a crisis of relations, and everything will pass by itself. Try to look at your man with different eyes, as if from the outside. Take a trip together, and perhaps in an unfamiliar environment your feelings will flare up with renewed vigor. If you tried all the options, considered all the possible consequences of a divorce and did not change your mind, then it should be so. Find the strength in yourself to survive this difficult period in your life, perhaps your friends will help you cope with this. Remember, no one has died from a divorce, this is only a step towards a new life.

I am 24 years old. A situation has come about in my life that I myself cannot handle. It seems to me that I'm on the verge of some kind of change and I'm scared. My family life with my husband is falling apart. I feel that I don’t love him anymore, I don’t need him. We got married three years ago, before that we met for almost 6 years, from the school itself. He was my first man. Relations were never simple, we constantly swore. Even before the wedding, they quarreled to the nines, I don’t remember why. Something always did not suit me in him, while I could not decide and leave. But she went to work and there she began to communicate with other men, involuntarily began to compare him with them. Of course, not in his favor. Now I can’t say that I want to give birth to him, I feel scared when I imagine that I will have to live with him all my life. I'm not interested with him. I’m silent about sex life, it actually ended six months after the wedding and causes discomfort. Previously, I could not live without his kisses, threw tantrums to my mother, who told me that we had something wrong in the relationship. Only now I understand how she was right. I do not get what I would like. I tried to talk with him, but I come across a question: what do you always dislike?

And now the most important thing. At work, we have a guy who is 5 years older than me. When I see him, I’m just losing my head. My legs begin to pound. I’m just thinking about him.

Sometimes it seems to me that I smell him when he passes me. Recently we had a corporate party in a cafe, he was sitting next to me, dancing nearby. I even became bolder and asked him to invite me to a slow dance. How I did not faint when he took me by the waist. There was even a feeling that I was not breathing at all.

At work, I encrypt as I can, I try not to show my attention to it once again. But how hard it is given to me ... This with my husband and I was only at the very beginning of our relationship. This guy does nothing to seduce me on purpose. Everything is at the level of looks, smiles. I just lost my peace. It seems to me that if he takes a step in my direction, then I just can not resist ... Please help with advice.

Judging by how the letter is entitled, as well as by what you write about, you ask the psychologist for permission to surrender to the growing passion. After reading the first paragraph (if you do not see the headline), you ask yourself: here is a person who is clear that he does not like his spouse, by all indications - does not want to be together, very reasonably, why are they still together? And the title seems to be a doubt - "in my opinion." So, I'm not sure I fell out of love? But you are not asking the questions in the letter, you are not resolving the doubts — you are describing evidence that everything is just that.

The last lines of the first paragraph also shed light on what is happening. “I could not live without his kisses” - that means there was a strong love, which in itself is a sign that feelings were subjected to hypercontrol for a long time. At first, control came from the side of the mother, and then - already yours, in the form of a dispute with maternal views. As a result, you not only listened to your feelings and needs, but how much you defended the right to self-determination, and to a significant degree decisions and choices were dictated by a point of view opposite to the mother’s, and again not your own. Despite the fact that mom looks insightful in this situation, in fact, she is not to your right.

Valuable remark that you do not get what you want from your husband. In other words, his behavior before, and now does not meet expectations, is inconvenient for you. For better or worse, it depends on what you are looking for in life, which is more important. If you had not lost the guiding line on your feelings and needs in the fight against maternal opinion, then your own identity, individuality would most likely be in the center of interests. Then in a partner it would be interesting and important to do the same as in yourself - originality and individuality, rather than meeting expectations. Actually, then there would be less expectations, and therefore fewer reasons for dissatisfaction with each other. Then the merits of the man who is nearby, you would look in a completely different way and, as you know, maybe you would find.

But this - if there were a relationship with a man. You have exhausted your relationship with a certain man.

After checking with time, the image was finally and irrevocably does not look like expected.

What a man is under this image - it remains behind the scenes, as unnecessary.

But there is a colleague at work, on whom there is a reaction of bodily attraction clouding the mind and will. Strong (again!) Falling in love. And you, despite the encryption and breath holding described, are already swimming with the flow.

The choice is yours, but in order not to create new illusions, when all the "evil" focuses on one person, and all the dazzling light floods "good" on another, do it openly, honestly. It helps a lot more sober up in oneself and others. When you defended your attraction to your husband, he was a stronghold of goodness, and mother - on the contrary. Now the stronghold of the good is a colleague, and the husband is finally approved as the focus of the bad. Separate the relationship, do not mix it up, and it will become clearer your own role in what is happening to you, and therefore the opportunity to influence it. Allow yourself such a luxury.

When a woman realizes that she has fallen out of love with her husband, she faces a difficult dilemma: to get divorced or to keep her family. It is often difficult for a woman in marriage, because in family strife it is still customary to blame the wife, while the husband or both spouses are wrong. Feelings can cool off gradually, and then after many years the woman realizes that she was in a hurry and not her man at all. Sometimes love passes in an instant - because of a betrayal of the spouse, violence against family members or accumulated grievances.

Show all
Why love leaves in marriage
Love, in contrast to falling in love, is a complex feeling that does not arise overnight. Usually spouses manage to survive many hardships together, learn to understand and accept each other. Only after several years, grinding in love develops with serious affection. Love does not arise and does not disappear spontaneously. It turns into hatred or indifference due to traumatic situations.
How to forgive a husband’s betrayal
Treason
Surviving the betrayal is not easy. The pain of betrayal drowns out all the senses, and especially the arguments of the mind, but after the breakup it may turn out that the wife still loves her husband.
To forgive the betrayal - everyone decides for himself. If the wife is able to overcome her jealousy and resentment, there is a chance.
Annoying husband
Pregnancy
During the period of gestation, the hormonal background changes dramatically. Women do not recognize themselves, because the most harmless thing that happens to them is changing food tastes and musical preferences.
Against the background of hormones during pregnancy, a woman can decide that she does not love her husband, and their marriage was a mistake. In addition, some husbands are not sensitive, which is why romance ends in a relationship. Psychologists advise not to chop the shoulder and wait for the baby to be born.
If there are no children in the family, then only common interests, loneliness or boredom can hold together spouses.

What to do if a husband has a lover psychologist advice
Birth of a child
Most of all, the way of life in the family changes due to the birth of the first child. A man lacks attention, a woman lacks care and understanding. The mother gives all love to the baby, because of which she even begins to think that she does not love her husband.
To survive the crisis, it is advisable to spend more time together, entrusting the child to grandmothers or a nanny.
A lot of children
In a large family with two or more children, spouses sometimes feel driven by horses, because for the well-being of the family you need to work hard. There is no time for the manifestation of feelings - to rest.
It is on vacation that former love returns. Only a vacation is advisable not to spend in summer cottages and in household chores, but away from home.
The influence of relatives
Caring relatives often gives young people problems. The mother-in-law is so afraid of losing her son that it interferes with the personal life of the couple.
If the husband turns out to be a weak-minded sissy, then only the strong authority of the wife will help to decide the outcome of the confrontation between the two women. In this case, husbands go into the category of henpecked. In this situation, love usually disappears with respect.
Young families are often faced with problems. Romance fades into the background, relationships become routine, bland. Many couples are not ready for life, as they dreamed of an eternal holiday in marriage. The fact that love is gone after a candy-bouquet period is a delusion. In this case, it simply did not exist.
In some situations, love is sharply replaced by hatred and disgust, especially if the spouse began to use violence, threaten children, be rude and mock his wife.

When to keep a marriage
The opinion that love has passed is erroneous. Due to crises, it may seem that feelings are completely gone. It is simple to check: if the husband’s company causes irritation for several months in a row, it remains only to disperse.
- Husband and wife respect each other.
- He and she satisfy each other as lovers.
- Spouses have the same values.
- Usually, that is, not during quarrels, they support each other.
- In the partner they see the best qualities.
- The couple discusses any complex issues directly and freely, even hot topics.
- Spouses are ready to make concessions.
- They have a common sense of humor.
- Their position on children is the same.
Love is support, emotional affection, respect, and sexual compatibility. Everything else is adjusted as you live together. If there is no patience, then success in marriage is very difficult to achieve.

The right to divorce: the views of psychologists
Many people, especially the older generation, consider divorce a shame and an unacceptable thing. For years, people have been taught that self-sacrifice and responsibility are good, and their own comfort is pure selfishness. Because of such attitudes, some women retain their marriage and become unhappy. First, the couple live for the sake of the children, then out of habit, and then because of the fact that life has passed and changing something is too late.
Psychologists say that any family man has the right to divorce, if the marriage does not bring satisfaction, family life is depressed, and the couple does not have mutual understanding and common views. Women who keep a marriage solely for the sake of children risk losing their happiness with a person who is truly suitable for them.

Psychologists advice why you should not keep the union because of the children:
- Children are keenly aware of the tense atmosphere in a family where one or both spouses do not like each other. Children are quite flexible. They will make a decision of the parents if they talk on an equal footing, explaining the situation with accessible words.
- A grown child often does not value the sacrifices of a mother and father. In an unhealthy home environment, he will prefer divorce and harmonious relationships with both parents.
- Children adopt a model of adult behavior. If spouses continue to live in an atmosphere of dissatisfaction with each other, lies and pretense, then their adult children will not be able to learn how to build healthy relationships with a partner.
Sometimes it’s easier to get a divorce so that everyone can go their own way, preserving friendships as much as possible, than to live on in anger at each other.

In the end, temporary cooling to the second half can be explained by monotony, the intervention of relatives or fatigue. A couple should spend time only together, remembering the romantic places they visited during their first dates. Then you can take a pause, for example, to each go to visit their parents and consider the situation in a relaxed atmosphere.
A woman should think about why it seems (or does not seem to her) that there is no love: because the husband is far from the hero of her novel or he only annoys and does not live up to expectations. After that, you can decide whether to move on one road or each to choose their own path.

Masha Kovalchuk

00:00 5.11.2015

What is it: another crisis or a love boat crashed and cannot be restored? What if one such thought creeps into my head? How to live on? Psychologist Lesya Kovalchuk helped to understand this issue.

Tales often end with the phrase: "And they lived happily ever after." And not one of them describes in detail what exactly happened after the prince on a white horse took the princess away. Princess, how did you actually live? Has your prince turned over the years into a tyrant or a drunkard king from another fairy tale, and you into an evil queen? Did you continue to love each other or just pretend? Did it ever cross your mind that your old feelings for your husband had faded away, and that the neighbor knight had really nothing? Did you throw a quarrel in the heat of it: “That's it, I'm divorcing you! I’m taking half the kingdoms and goodbye!”

After conducting a small opinion poll among friends and forums, I found out this. The phrase "I stopped loving my husband" is pronounced (aloud or mentally) in several cases. The first is when, with all external well-being, boredom sticks. Your wings are securely packed and gather dust somewhere on the mezzanines, butterflies have not fluttered in your stomach for a long time, yesterday it looks like today, tomorrow it will be the same. The second - when a certain event, act or series of actions occurred, which one of the parties cannot forgive the other.

Not everyone can slam the door, pack things, put the children in a minivan and leave for a happy future, as happens in American films. And how many love boats crashed about life? More precisely, because of disagreements over whose turn it is to walk with the dog and who should take out the trash? And there is another fourth case: when it seems that a new, freshly met man is love for life.

I have been married 13 years. Or 14? I do not remember. The idea of \u200b\u200bFrancois Larochefoucaud for some reason seems to me sound and close: "There are successful marriages, but there are no marriages delightful."

And from myself I’ll add: there was no corrosive editor (preferably with a censorship manners) for the one who came up with the myth of the only eternal love and soul mate. Because of this, our sister got a lot of cones for herself. Will explain. The nameless author had to be given the right to an error in the search - they say, she is not alone, there are many of them - someone is more than your soul mate, someone less. And, most importantly, to expand the concept: to tell that the love of two changes over the years, moving to another stage.

This does not mean that she is no more. She is also growing up. And passion really only lives for three years - and there is a scientific explanation for this: hormones are all a matter. We are used to believing that if you really fell in love - it’s forever, the feelings will be as vivid as in the first months and years. This is not true. In the equation of marriage, love is a variable, not a constant ...

Story 1

Lyudmila, 24 years old

He is my first love

The fact that there is love at first sight, I know firsthand - that was exactly what happened to me. We met with eyes, standing in line with documents to the selection committee, and his eyes seemed to light a spark somewhere inside me. I don’t remember the moment of the acquaintance - everything turned out somehow by itself - by the evening I was sitting in their dorm room, singing songs with a guitar. The first kiss happened on the first day of dating, and the first sex on the next. In the morning I looked out the window and saw a huge inscription on the pavement: "Lyuda, I love you!" It was like a carousel whirling around us. The most difficult thing was to leave in the evening: you had to leave his hostel before 21.00.

To spend the whole night together seemed impossible, inconceivable luxury. And once Volodya suggested: let's get married, they give the family a separate room ... The next day we filed an application to the registry office - exactly one month has passed since we met. I didn’t have a wedding dress, he didn’t have a suit. There were our cheerful friends who gave us a tent and tickets to the Crimea. My parents were shocked when I, an eighteen-year-old freshman, showed them a passport with a stamp and announced that “a” is now married (by the way, get acquainted, this is Volodya) and “b” - I am leaving to live with my legal spouse. To the hostel. Of course, mom clutched at her heart, dad - at valerian, and all together - for me ...

The fact of my marriage hurt my parents a lot, they blocked all financial income and stopped talking to me. Volodya's parents helped us - they would hand over a bag of potatoes, or a can of lard. Volodya, to somehow feed the two of us, unloaded the cars at night. Sometimes we had nothing to eat, but we were indecent, carelessly happy ... Until I became pregnant, having mixed up something with safe days. We saved on condoms. The question arose: what to do next. Give birth to? I really wanted it. Only now Volodya reacted to my pregnancy differently. He told me that this is not the time, we need to get on our feet, then ... We didn’t have money even for a good doctor - I had an abortion in a student clinic, complications started. In a word, it hurt to have sex. Volodya was very nervous about this fact, but I was insulted to tears. Over time, the resentment more or less smoothed out, the relationship seems to have improved. With grief in half, we graduated from the university, my parents, resigned to the fact of my marriage, bought us an apartment - it would seem, all that is needed for happiness.

We both got a job, established a way of life, even got a cat and a cactus. As for the child, Volodya is still adamant: "Here, we’ll buy a bigger apartment, the child will not fit in odnushka, you need to earn money for the child while we pursue a career." Yes, he and I were not experiencing such difficulties, only he, it seems, had already forgotten this. And alright, that cut off his wonderful long hair, began to wear a suit. It seems to me that that Vovka, whom I loved, is no more. Someone who could buy me a bouquet of flowers for the last money, and then go on foot through the whole city after he accompanied me. The one who with his bare hands tore me roses right on the flowerbed near the City Council, and then ran away from the police.

The romance has disappeared from our relationship, I forgot the last time I was given flowers. In the evenings, my husband stays at a computer until late all day, disappears at work, and sometimes I cry in my pillow, I am so sorry for what happened five years ago - that crazy, vivid feeling that we seem to have lost ... And yesterday I once in my life I pretended to have a headache.

Comments psychologist Lesya Kovalchuk:

In Goethe: "Feelings do not deceive, deceive the judgments made on them." Lyudmila fell in love for the first time in her life. The result was absolutely predictable - after a while, the feeling of love disappeared, and in his place came a state of affection. Over the years, grievances accumulated, layered everyday situations. The result - she does not feel her partner as in her early youth. The family came to the first serious crisis. And the crisis is the moment when the couple begins to realize, evaluate their relationship. For the first time, they can sit down and discuss openly what has happened between them all this time and is happening now - without any complaints, accusations, build a constructive dialogue.

For young people, a specialist would be a good help - a couple who still does not have positive experience in solving problems, probably can not cope with this, slide into grievances, accusations, claims - a banal scandal and a decision on divorce.

The family of Volodya and Lyudmila has prospects. But in order to develop them, you need to look at the current situation soberly, through the eyes of people who may have still preserved a feeling for each other - not love, but love. And love is a serious basis to start all over again. Their relationship can be very constructive - they can agree on how they would like to show feelings for each other. True, for this Lyudmila needs to understand herself. How would she want her husband to show love and care for her? How will she understand that the other is showing these feelings? You need to understand this for yourself, and then entrust this intimate secret to the person with whom she wants to continue the relationship.

Story 2

Zoryana, 33 years old

Married a childhood friend

Dima, my husband, is the son of my mother’s close friend, we grew up in the same sandbox, lived in the neighborhood. As long as I can remember, my mother always set it as an example: watch how she helps her mother around the house, watch how she takes care of her younger sister, watch, study for just five! I didn’t even perceive Dima as a potential gentleman, he was very “right” and prudent - to the tedium. He was my best friend. I could always fix what’s broken and help move the sofa, help wallpaper the wallpaper. In a word, one could always count on him.

And mother continued: take a closer look, a guy from a good family, reliable, well-mannered, already helps his father well in business, does not drink, does not smoke. And Aunt Galya, his mother complained - say, Dima doesn’t have a girl, everything is waiting ... Probably, you! In short, our mothers struggled to make up our happiness. I was friends with older children, they had a team that played at weddings and restaurants.

I liked Andrey - the guy had already returned from the army, for me, a tenth grader, he seemed an adult. He was so unlike my peers! Andrei was going to organize his own group and leave for the capital and, of course, become famous. Everything was said about him - that he indulges in weed, for example, that he has undergone treatment for bad illnesses more than once, that he joined the army in order not to go to prison. These rumors did not bother me much. There were always a lot of women around him - a black-haired, broad-shouldered handsome man in a leather jacket, was enjoying wild success on his own brand new motorcycle. I don’t even know why he paid attention to me. Once I was sitting with friends in a cafe where they played in the evenings, he took a microphone and said: "I want to dedicate this song to the beautiful girl who is present here." He sang, looking at me, it was Mishel Beatles: "I love you, I love you, I love you!"

I kissed him first. We met for a whole week, however, things didn’t go beyond kisses. I left to enter, but did not get enough points, I had to go to the correspondence department. It even made me happy - I could be with him. But, while I went to do it, every day he was seen with a girl, the daughter of a local power worker. Everything turned out to be true. He was about to marry ...

On my birthday Dima came with roses and champagne, we sat for a long time at the entrance on the bench, talking. I felt so good with him - then I finally realized that I needed such a person. Suddenly, I looked at him with completely different eyes. A year later, I became his wife. Ten years passed smoothly and quietly. We have never even quarreled. Dima built a house, expanded the parent business. We have two weather kids. I am calm and reliable with him. I felt this especially clearly when he was busy with the children, when he took them away on the weekend, so that I could sleep longer, when he sat over me for several days, when I got to the hospital with appendicitis, when he insisted that I leave the low-paid job and took care of home and children. But we have nothing to talk about - except for everyday life and children, of course ...

Sometimes we, sitting by the fireplace, remain silent all evening. I always know what he will say for one reason or another, I know what he will do. It is an open book for me; for too long we have known each other. Recently, Andrey visited my page on the network. We began to communicate. We are talking about books, films. This has been happening for a month now. He said that he had recently divorced his wife, that marrying her was a mistake. It was as if I woke up, woke up from a dream, I remembered my 17 years. He wrote to me tonight: "And if something presses one soul, at night, in silence, at the fiery line of a burning star of the last flight, think of a world where you and I will be ..." They say that old love does not rust. I don’t know what to do next.

Psychologist Comment:

The conditions under which the relations of this couple began to develop have developed, to put it mildly, not in favor of Zoryana. Firstly, mothers influenced - this is in the teenage period of denial, and secondly, during this period a more vibrant personality arose that did not treat her feelings very well.

He and Dima have a deep feeling and very great prospects. In fact, that bright world that she finds in virtual communication with Andrey, she can find in her family, with Dima.
She was used to using the opportunities and services that he provides, and in return to give nothing, not to work on relationships, on herself. She needs to be more courageous, spontaneous and, like any man, he will respond to feelings directed towards him. After all, it is a woman who offers a man a relationship scenario.

There are four spaces on which the pair’s relationship stands - let's call them “whales”. The first is what each of them brought from his family, from his own kind. The second is their past partners. The third is that which was and is between them. Their sex, children, their common history. But there is a fourth, only it gives the couple the opportunity to develop a relationship.

This is what drives them forward, something that captivates the two of them. And if this is not the case, after a while the steam begins to boil in its own juice. Travel, chess, photography, floriculture, building a house, a common business - these are the options for organizing this space. In a word, Zoryans need to figure out how to get carried away by herself and carry away her husband. And if she is aiming for a new relationship, understand what consequences this will have for her.

Is she ready to answer for them in front of herself, in front of her children, in front of Dima, who trusts her. If not, you need to think about what can be changed. To do this, she has all the resources and capabilities. And by the way, there is no guarantee that under the favorable circumstances with Andrei, he will not become the same bore, and everything will not be repeated according to the previous scenario.

Story 3

Vita, 40 years old

Holiday romance ended in marriage

Anton and I met on vacation in Turkey. This was my first trip abroad - my dad gave me a ticket to my 25th birthday. At breakfast Anton sat down with me - it turned out that we were from the same city and he was also here alone. “A handsome man,” I thought. “Why not, after all, a spa romance does not oblige you to anything.” Already in the evening we danced in a disco, at night I was in his room. This went on for ten days. I flew away a day earlier, decided not to arrange farewells - why? Indeed, spa novels have no continuation. Although, I will not hide, I fell in love before losing my pulse. I don’t know how, but he found me. And I realized that I met the best man in my life. I could not believe that all this was happening to me. We had the most beautiful wedding in the city!

... They “ran into” him, he was forced to cede business and move to the capital. According to him, he decided to earn extra money and return with time, but there wasn’t even a word about our move with the children. Say, children should live at home, and not in a rented apartment, and communicate with grandparents, and not with a nanny. But he told me that with my qualifications in Kiev in life a job could not be found. (I am an accountant.)

Five years we live in different cities. Anton worked first in Kiev, then left for Kazakhstan, returned to the capital again. We have a marriage in the distance. And is it a marriage? First, Anton came every month, then less and less. The last time I saw him six months ago. True, he sends money regularly ... At first, I was terribly bored, called him every night, talked for an hour or two. And now ... Recently, when he did not come for the New Year, I thought that maybe it was for the best. After putting the children to bed, I took out our family album, looked at the photographs for a long time, and recalled. And then she said to herself: I don’t love him anymore. I used to live without him. Thoughts about him no longer cause either joy or pain - everything came to naught. And I don’t know if he’s coming back now, whether we have a chance to fix everything. In five years we have become strangers. Perhaps, and quite likely, he has another woman.

Three years ago I decided to surprise him - I arrived without warning and called from the station. He was very angry, although he tried not to show it. But I understood everything from my voice. He arrived two hours later, drove me to some room, which, according to him, was renting. But there were practically no things there ... My sister says that my option is not the worst yet. Say, many not only drink, but also beat, not to mention the fact that they don’t really earn. Anton loves children, provides us well. But I’m only 40, I want to be loved, I don’t want to sign up as a nun and grow old alone ...

Psychologist Comment:

“A spa romance does not oblige you to anything” - this is how the heroine reacted to her relationship with a man. Irresponsible position ... She gave the command to herself and to this relationship. It seems that her man completely agreed with her attitude and began to comply with her. In fact, the futility of the spa novel is a stereotype ...

When their already created family faced the first serious test, they had to work together, together, to find a way out of this situation. Love is an equal to equal relationship. And if one decides for the other, it upsets the balance or hides deception.

Vita is not used to building a scenario of her own life - she lives as she is offered. I went to rest because my dad bought a ticket, got married - because her future husband found her, lived 15 years under the dictation of her husband, because it was so convenient. When she took a serious step, she came to him and realized that they were not waiting for her, this should have stimulated her to act. But in three years she did nothing.

Perhaps because she has a psychological attitude dictated by the family scenario - her relationship with a man does not imply depth and responsibility. It does not seem that she was very interested in how he felt, having lost the business, how he was making money, where he got the money from, so that he could regularly send it to her and the children.

The prognosis of the relationship between Vita and Anton, alas, is unfavorable. She needs to work on the settings. Ask yourself: did my past relationship suit me? What kind of relationship do I want? What can I do for this today? And to answer these questions, you need to at least just start thinking about it! After all, Vita has every chance to start a new life and be happy.

Why love breaks

Psychologists name several reasons why a marriage of loving people does not work out.

Error in choosing a partner. More often it occurs when the partners are very young. At the same time, passion drives the lovers, not the conscious choice of a person with similar ideas about life values. It may turn out that the principles are simply incompatible. For example, the husband believes that the wife’s place is in the kitchen, and the wife is going to pursue a career. Or the wife hopes for partnerships that all concerns will be shared equally. The husband is sure that in the family he is the main point. Irritation accumulates, the result is literally everything annoying and annoying in the partner - how he dresses, sneezes, snores. The list goes on and on.

Worth reading: the book "Five Languages \u200b\u200bof Love" by Gary Champen, "The Love Story" by D. Gray.

Emotional immaturity. What reasons dominated marriage? Is love and desire to take responsibility for another? The reasons are often different: an attempt to escape from the family, pay off debts, live separately, get legal sex, and get rid of loneliness. Every week is always followed by weekdays - everyday problems will have to be solved every day, decisions made. But it is not so easy to give up one's premarital habits, it is not easy to put up with the partner’s habits, there is not enough patience and tolerance. And loving people do not want to understand and forgive each other, causing pain. At this stage, one (or both) asks themselves the questions: “What should I do?”, “Do I need this person?”, “What will I have to give up in order to be with him?”, “And to him?” Not everyone is looking for answers. It’s easier to declare a marriage and meeting with this person a mistake. Indeed, ahead is surely a new love. Only here the risk is high that it will develop according to the old scenario.

Worth seeing: the films “On the other side of the bed”, “For family reasons”, “Vanity of vanities”.

The crisis. Strictly speaking, crises in the family model are inherently laid down - these are developmental crises. The first year of family life, the birth of the first and second child, adolescence, the departure of children from the family. The rest of the reasons psychologists call "stressors" - all kinds of tests that life throws up to the family. Loss of work, career growth of one of the spouses, etc. The crisis due to stressors is more often a crisis of communication, misunderstanding - about 80% of cases. If the problem is not solved, loving people do not seek compromise and ways to each other, the crisis turns into a sluggish state - the aggravation will inevitably come, the bowl will overflow.
It's time to recall two basic human instincts: self-preservation (mostly) and procreation (sexual). If you don’t feel calm with this person (you are hurt, suppressed and absorbed), emotional closeness, admiration for a partner, and respect for him disappear. And sex may be completely absent - you're busy with defense. But roses do not grow in a theater of war.

Worth seeing: the films "The War of the Spouses Rose", "Eyes Wide Shut."

To leave or stay?

Does your marriage have a chance? Is this the end or a deep crisis that can still be overcome? It will be easier for you to understand this by honestly answering the following questions to yourself.

What feelings did you have for this man at the very beginning of your romance? Just when everything was just beginning. What brought you together? This question is necessary to realize what motive motivated you, when you started these relationships, created them.
What did you like most about the chosen one? How did he conquer you? Masculinity, care, gentleness, intelligence, generosity ... When people doubt whether to stay together or not, going to this point, they begin to list the data that they have responded to in their chosen one, and refuse it, forget about it, cross it out, it is very difficult . This is what was important to you and remains important! And these qualities remained in him! But it was they who attracted you to him, you responded to them as a woman. By the way, the set of qualities by which a woman evaluates a man practically does not change her whole life.
What good have you lived (not acquired!) Together during your marriage? List all that you have experienced in marriage with this man. When we think about whether the marriage has ended or not, whether to continue or not continue the relationship, the first thing that happens is often the bad - resentment, omissions ... This is how our brain works - we better remember the bad. We need to reconfigure it, focusing on the good: we went on a trip, brought a child from the hospital, took him to first grade, built a house together, bought a car and survived enchanting emotions when they drove her home. It is necessary to recall these events in detail.
How has this marriage affected my personality? For example, you have become more beautiful, maybe thanks to this man, this relationship you opened up as a woman, or you became more economical, or you started to cook well, or you learned such an important quality as patience ... this is important! You need to realize the whole positive that this relationship has brought you. It is on him that you will be able to rely in future relationships - with this or another person. Find what you can say thank you to your partner.
What do you imagine your family in five, ten, fifteen, twenty years from now? This is very important for a couple who doubts the prospect of a relationship - imagine, draw a picture of the future, when you grow old together, when the children leave the house. What will your life be like: a house, interests, what you will do, what your life will be like. Immerse yourself in this picture - you will understand a lot.
What would you like to add to your relationship? What prevents them from developing? Think about something new you can bring to a relationship? Maybe you need to listen to each other more, trust more. Actually, this question should always be asked to all couples at the time of the crisis, when you have reached some point. What needs to be done to switch it? What is stopping you? And, if this issue is brought to the level of awareness, if you start thinking and talking about it, you will take a huge step forward, you will have a chance to free yourself from the ballast in relationships and take them to a new level.
What are you ready to change or overcome in the name of a new relationship with your former husband? For example, listen more than speak, notice positive traits in it, praise more often ...

NB! What if that’s all, does it make sense to work on relationships? To understand this, a simple question will help: "What emotions does the thought of this person evoke in me?"

A sign of completeness of a relationship is when you feel only gratitude towards it. If there is resentment, anger, longing - in a word, both positive and negative emotions, this means that the relationship is not completed.

So, this is a crisis that can be overcome!

P. S. Breaking, as you know, is not to build. Before you destroy anything, think about whether you are ready to blow up in an hour what you have been building for years? Do you have the mental strength to do it again? Only you know what your husband means to you. Was the marriage decision erroneous, are you on the right track now ... Understand if this is another crisis that can be overcome, or is it much more serious ... You have to find the answers yourself.

Photo in text: Shutterstock.com

From the point of view of statistics, the situation is not as rare as it might seem at first glance. Over time, the passion subsides, the habit grows, and the husband and wife gradually turn from passionate lovers into close relatives, bound by common obligations and life.

At the same time, the need for romantic impressions and strong emotions does not disappear. Indeed, romantic love in most women is associated with them. Therefore, even if you are married to a reliable and loyal man, you may still occasionally have doubts about whether you have fallen out of love with your husband. How to cope with them, and how to understand whether they are true (after all, it happens), we will try to understand this article.

Oh, these evil thoughts.

Surely you have heard the conventional wisdom that all our problems are from the head. And undoubtedly, the truth is present in it. Indeed, the way we perceive the surrounding reality and the way we represent our ideal life depend on the course of our thoughts. Therefore, it may just seem to you that everything is very bad in your marriage. Whereas in reality everything can be. And your husband’s love for you can be much deeper and stronger. It's just that you are not always able to notice it or interpret it correctly.

Our perception of what is happening, unfortunately, is not a clearly working mechanism, but rather a completely debugged system that works intermittently. It is subjective, and is subject to the serious influence of our deep-seated beliefs, familiar stereotypes and other many different factors.

For example, you can be sure that if there are no emotional clarifications and open manifestations of feelings in a relationship, this should always mean that the woman has stopped loving.

Psychologists call this set a cognitive scheme. And translating into simple language, the cognitive circuit is a way that you, or rather your brain, uses to perceive and process incoming information. That is, this is a certain path that includes the following intermediate points:

perception is most often selective. Your brain does not handle the whole situation, and decides on its own what exactly to draw your attention to.
assessment of perceived - based on existing experience.
emotion is how you experience the information you receive
action - based on previous facts, you make a decision about how you will act.

That is, the main part of the scheme is your beliefs. Formed on the basis of your experience, laid down in you by upbringing and genes, imposed by society, and so on. As a result, the cognitive scheme is a short standard thesis in your head that tells you how it should be.

Do you know what your compatibility with a man is?

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According to such schemes, we believe that all men should be earners, women - modest women, children - obedient clever women. The weather is certainly good, vacation - on the shores of the warm sea, love - to the grave. And if a woman does not experience violent feelings in family life, then she has stopped loving her husband. Well and so on.

It is precisely such cognitive patterns that give rise to obsessive thoughts and doubts about how our lives meet our expectations. They interfere with perceiving it objectively, feeling calm and satisfaction. For example, you are convinced that your husband should meet you from work every evening. Whatever the circumstances. If reality does not match this belief, you will start sooner or later. Even if you understand that the fulfillment of this belief is impossible or even ridiculous.

Love is…

Doubts about feelings often arise as a consequence of our false beliefs. It may seem to you that you love "not like that." That they love you “wrong”, which means they don’t love you at all.

However, Tolstoy wrote in “Anna Karenina” that “how many hearts there are so many kinds of love”. Love-passion, characteristic of the first few years of a relationship, is fleeting. This is said about her, "lives for three years." It burns quickly and brightly, and certainly can not be the pillar of a long-term project called marriage.

And if she passed, or rather, became quiet, this does not mean that the wife fell out of love with her husband completely and forever. On the contrary, the time has come for a true partnership, devotion, and therefore true love.

Women's misconceptions about a happy marriage have destroyed more than one family. After all, what is needed is not Mexican passions at all. Partners should be able to support and take care of each other, in such a union, bets are placed on the compatibility (psychological, sexual) of partners, making their coexistence as comfortable as possible for two.

What to do with false beliefs?

How to deal with the dissatisfaction caused by our erroneous beliefs? And how to distinguish true personal misfortune from such beliefs?

Happiness is a difficult measure. You can evaluate your income level, housing conditions, social status, success from a generally accepted point of view. But how to evaluate the level of your happiness? After all, this is an internal state, and quite fleeting.

Developing cognitive patterns is both simple and very difficult. Getting rid of persuasion is a monotonous job that requires constant monitoring on your part. You need to do something like the following.

track your cognitive patterns, your reactions. A repeated reaction to events will indicate a false belief ("I knew that you were not capable of anything" to any of his mistakes)
describe your feelings on paper
develop the opposite beliefs. It’s also advisable to write them down first

Sometimes it helps to simply realize that you are in the grip of your own error. It will be easier for you to act rationally and you will not react strongly to your experiences.

Remember the main thing - your behavior means a lot to a man, but if there is no harmony at the level of signs, then the relationship will be very tense. It is very advisable to find out the exact compatibility of your zodiac sign with the sign of a man. This can be done by clicking on the button just below:

Or did love really pass?

Understand whether you really stopped loving your husband, or it just seems so to you, is not so simple. But there are still a number of alarming symptoms.

You don’t want to compromise anymore, you don’t want to adapt, give in

Your point of view has become more important for you than the point of view of your husband. You constantly protect your personal interests, without looking back. You get annoyed at any need to do what your husband wants, not you.

You do not want to spend time with him

You no longer require attention, and prefer to spend free time with friends. Joint leisure does not cause you any emotions, you just do not care whether he is near or not.

You are not jealous of him, but you yourself began to notice an interest in other men

The absence of jealousy, especially if there is a reason, is a serious moment to think about. You no longer feel him as your man and are ready to share. And if you accidentally discovered yourself flirting with your old friend - it's time to think about what is happening.

You are not satisfied with sex with your husband, and you generally do not want closeness with him - hugs, kisses, etc.

If bodily desire has disappeared, and not only sensual, sexual, but just supporting emotional closeness between you, this is also a very alarming call.

All the signs described above may well indicate that the wife really or has already stopped loving her husband, or is moving in this direction.

Is there anything you can do?

Sometimes there can be objective reasons for such alienation between spouses. There are difficult, crisis moments in marriage (on average, once every three years). There are betrayals, betrayals, and serious grievances. Over time, your life changes, you change yourself.

Does this mean that as a result of these changes you should definitely leave?

Not always. Try to understand the reasons why this happened. Perhaps you spend too little time together. Or moved away from each other for some other reason. One way or another, having discovered the root of the problem, you can work on it, and possibly fix it.

In any case, you need to restore trust and intimacy. Do something together. Find new joint goals and go to them together. In this case, the relationship may be able to restore the spirit of partnership, compatibility. And you can love your husband again.

In a long-term relationship, the saying "From love to hate is one step" is relevant as in no other. Therefore, in no case do not give up and remember that marriage is not only cloudless happy days together, but also difficulties, experiencing life's ups and downs, constant joint work on relationships.

If you want to be with your beloved man - you need to figure out if you are compatible with the zodiac sign?

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