I do not know how to lose. Parenting issues

Good afternoon!

When a child fails, he is inclined to cry, be offended or angry, so the parents have a completely logical question: how to teach a child to lose?

The ability to lose is really important, because it means that the child has important qualities, such as perseverance and determination. These skills are extremely useful in adulthood and need to be developed from childhood.

If the child does not know how to lose, then most likely he will not be able to win. This is quite logical, because he will avoid any competitions, as they lead to difficulties and negative emotions. A child who is capable of losing and drawing experience from this failure will, on the contrary, strive for a competitive environment in order to achieve his goal.

A child who does not like to compete deprives himself of a lot of life experience and this will certainly affect his future life. For example, if several employees are fighting for the position of head of department, they understand that only one of them will get a place. But your child will not even be on the list of applicants, because he would prefer, in principle, to avoid the possibility of promotion.

Thomas Edison conducted about 700 unsuccessful experiments before he managed to invent a filament in a lamp. When asked why he did not stop trying because of a series of failures, the inventor said that he did not have a single failure. He had 700 successful attempts, during which he proved that this did not work.

The right attitude to losing is the key to success in life.

How to teach a child to lose?

First of all, it is necessary to determine the temperament of the child. For example, a phlegmatic will react to failure much more calmly than choleric or melancholic. In no case can you compare the reaction of your child and other children, because they are all different and perceive different situations in different ways.

It should also be understood that the ability to control emotions is directly related to the age of the child. Even adults are upset when they fail, but they are able to control their emotions, and children are not. From a child who is from 0 to 5 years old, it makes no sense to expect control over emotions.

If the loss leads to the fact that the child is upset, offended, freaking out or crying, then this is an absolutely normal, regular reaction. In no case should not be accountable to him for this or urge to calm down. Moreover, splashing out your emotions is absolutely normal, because otherwise they will accumulate and turn into psychosomatic diseases that have serious consequences.

Never cover your child’s mouth. Let him get his experience of disappointment and resentment, and then he will understand that after this negative outbreak, everything again becomes as good as before.

You can not shift responsibility from the child to external factors

Probably everyone at least once witnessed the following situation. The child ran, hit the table and, of course, was upset, began to cry. A caring parent, instead of explaining why this happened, begins to scold the table. Of course, the piece of furniture will not suffer from this, but the child can, because it is precisely in such situations that an irresponsible attitude to failures and losses is formed.

In such a situation, it would be more correct to tell the baby to be more careful so as not to suffer again. He must be held accountable for his own misconduct. It is the parents who must help their children analyze the situation and make sound conclusions.

Of course, every parent wants to protect their child and take care of him. But your task is not to protect him from any misfortunes, but to teach you to cope with stressful situations, troubles and problems. It is impossible to protect your child from all troubles, but if you manage to develop the ability to cope with difficult situations on your own, primarily emotionally, then in the future the child will be able to live without your direct participation.

Such a decision to punish the table and tell him that it is bad also affects the fact that the child learns to blame the environment for his failures, and not to analyze his behavior. Have you come across a man who is to blame for his low salary: from a wife with children to the government?

Do not stop children from learning from mistakes.

In order to learn how to swim, you need to swim. In order to learn to lose, you need to lose and be aware of it. This is not an easy but necessary experience that you must allow your child to get.

The most important thing is that your children feel parental love, despite good luck or defeat.

Praise correctly

It happens that mom and dad, trying to instill in the child a desire for success, actively encourage him for victory, sometimes even punish him for losing. Thus, the attitude towards oneself is formed, therefore, the child draws conclusions that his parents love him only when he is successful. But it is impossible to be successful always and in everything.

Therefore, it is important to praise not for victory, but for aspiration, for acquired skills, experience on the way to victory or to lose.

There is a book for adults who, from childhood, were accustomed to the fact that victory is good, and losing is terrible. The book is called Flexible Consciousness. In it, the author removes the block of fear of difficult tasks, which the excellent student does not take, because he is afraid to get a "2". Our attitude to failure, to obstacles, to failure determines our success. A person who is afraid and does not take a complex project or does not go to a new job, or at a lecture will not raise his hand and will not ask if he does not understand something, because he is afraid to appear stupid. Such a person misses the opportunity to reach a new level, simply because of the fear of failure. Maybe that’s why millionaires say that they were two-year-olds at school ...

The pursuit of excellence

Defeat in the game is impossible to hide. He always has at least one witness. For someone who suffers from a loss, defeat also means that others will see his failure.

“He is afraid that his imperfection will cause others to not want to communicate with him, that he will not be good enough for them,” continues Sergey Medvedev. So often feel those whom parents punished in childhood for the slightest failure. Trying to win at all costs, they are now trying to realize their need to become the best, perfect, all recognized. “The game (in case of victory) helps them to assert themselves,” emphasizes Maria Lomova. “External success proves its own significance, and a loss means that it is again lost.”

"I became more confident in myself, playing as a team"

Mark, 28 years old, legal adviser

“Since childhood, I participated only in games where I had a great chance to win. Failure scared me, I was not ready to take risks. In childhood, my parents succumbed to me, gave in, and I always came out the winner. And later, with friends, the situation changed. I began to lose sometimes and was completely unprepared for this. As soon as I felt that the game didn’t come out, I was angry, often could not even finish the game ... I was angry that I put in enormous efforts, but still lose. It was so unfair!

I worried for a long time, dreamed of a rematch! My friends labeled me "not knowing how to lose." Today, although I do not always manage to laugh at myself, I feel more confident. I prefer team games, they require less recognition of personal achievements. And I’m not the only one to blame if the team loses. ”

Thirst for control

Just a game? For those who do not know how to lose, this is much more. The game is the flip side of reality, a space in which you can build your life in a different way. The game has clear rules. In this way, it attracts those who are anxious in the midst of life's chaos.

“For most of us, playing is a safe experience. In the end, you can always replay it, ”recalls Maria Lomova. “But those who acutely experience their defeats do not realize this.” And failure for them is tantamount to a threat to their lives. ”

They unconsciously perceive the loss as a return of chaos, unpredictability, danger. “The origins of such a worldview may lie in too early forced independence,” Sergey Medvedev explains, “at a time when the child still needed the support and guidance of elders.”

“Men react to defeat more acutely than women,” said Sergey Medvedev. “Perhaps the fact is that boys are traditionally educated in the quest for victory, while girls are taught to be flexible and give in.” Losing becomes the last straw and causes an overly emotional reaction.

But not the game itself is the reason for this behavior. It’s just that the features characteristic of our behavior are clearly manifested in it, since the time and space of the game are limited.

What to do?

Regain pleasure

Play different games. Identify those that you are particularly interested in, and be condescending to yourself, let me play them ... with pleasure. Objective: to feel the joy of the game process, and not of its result. Choose partners in whom you are confident and know that their attitude towards you does not depend on whether you win or lose.

Change the rules

Agree with yourself that today you will certainly change your attitude towards losing (if it does happen). If you succeed, you will in any case become a winner, because at last you managed to overcome yourself.

To become older

As we get older, we feel more and more the driving force in our lives and get great satisfaction from it. For someone who has grown up, the game ceases to be a contest or battle, and again becomes just fun, entertainment ...

If you are unable to reconcile with your defeats and you suffer about this, then the game hides some kind of conflict with your own life. In this case, you should turn to psychotherapy, because suffering is not a game.

How to help such a person?

Think in advance in which games to participate in full force, and when to give in, adapting to the manner of someone who does not know how to lose. But keep in mind that this is an understanding, not an indulgence ... Don’t apologize - you are not to blame for the loser's feelings; do not play a joke - thus, you run the risk of devaluing his feelings.

Parents should not constantly give away with their children. After all, this is how we create in them a dangerous illusion that life will always obey their desires. It is worth explaining to them that losing is not so scary.

Hello. I am 24 years old, my name is Dima. And I just hate losing. I will give an example. For example, just recently I played table tennis with a friend. And either I was not lucky, or I was out of shape, or I just play badly, but I started to lose a lot. And naturally, it began to enrage me. I just started to lose my temper. I am a fairly educated, positive and cultured person. But the inability to lose just got me. It bothers me all my life. During failures during games, it seems to me that the enemy laughs at me, gloats, considers me a weakling, a loser and a sucker. It infuriates me that my defeat pleases someone. Please advise how to get rid of this problem?

Hello Dmitry! A game is always someone’s victory and someone’s defeat. You are trying to do everything at the highest level, because you are afraid to be ridiculed. But these are just your assumptions. Have you had similar situations in the past? Someone may have ridiculed you and humiliated you when you did something wrong or lost, it could gain a foothold on a subconscious level and subsequently be transferred to even minor failures. You need to realize that losing in the game is not a mockery, but just an excuse to win back or be happy for another, because you do not always lose and your opponent perceives defeat positively. Good luck!

Presnyakova Svetlana Aleksandrovna, psychologist of the city of Chudovo

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Hello, Dima.

This is what seems important to me.

During failures at games to me it seemsthat the enemy laughs at me, gloats, considers me a weakling, a loser and a sucker.

It seems to you, i.e. you probably don’t know this. The enemy does not tell you about this. This knowledge sits in your head. Someone from important close people inspired you to be the best, otherwise you are a loser. You were not given the right to make a mistake or were not accepted as a loser.

how to get rid of this problem?

First, it’s important to understand that there is always a winner and a loser in the game, and that you cannot be the strongest. It is simply not possible. There will always be an opponent stronger. Secondly, it is important to understand that recognition of yourself as a loser comes from within, not from without.

Sincerely.

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Hello, Dima!

I would venture to suggest that this symptom is characteristic of individuals with a narcissistic character.

The child who was evaluated. Narcissistic character.

Self-esteem

Narcissistic personalities and people whose narcissism has reached the extreme point of narcissistic personality disorder are characterized by an increased sense of self-importance and greatness, they perceive themselves as special and unique, they believe that they occupy an exceptional place that makes them higher than the mass of ordinary people. They see themselves as the best and have special rights to the location and good treatment of others, as if they are above the generally accepted rules. These individuals are confident in their own significance, rightness, tend to exaggerate their knowledge and achievements.

Daffodils usually have very fragile self-esteem, they constantly experience fluctuations in all possible amplitudes from zero to infinity, because of this they are prone to depression. Sometimes they say that under a three-layer dragon skin or behind a large soap bubble they hide a small scared child. And all the external window dressing, tinsel is used for complacency, gaining calmness and self-confidence. Therefore, narcissistic personalities regularly feel themselves infinitely small and insignificant. This makes them constantly rush from self-aggrandizement to self-abasement. This process is somewhat reminiscent of the torment of Rodion Raskolnikov from the novel by F. M. Dostoevsky “Crime and Punishment”: “Am I a trembling creature or do I have the right?”

At first glance, these people are dependent on success, pedantic, have a high sense of self-worth, pride, often excessive demands, they are focused on themselves. But at the same time, they are constantly sensitive to shame and humiliation, often prone to hypochondria (considering their possible diseases under the “magnifying glass”) and psychosomatics (body diseases caused by mental problems). When breakdowns of their psychological defenses, they can feel nullity, self-depreciation, isolation, inertness, depression. And at the same time, deep down in their souls, they feel emptiness, worthlessness, panic with the weakening and fragmentation of their personality. On the archaic (on the basic, very foundation) level, daffodils crave a new rapprochement, merging, reflection in their twin, idealizing their relationship to themselves. At an unconscious level, they experience rage and pain from the lack of guessing and understanding of their desires of a deep level.

(from)

I work on Skype, write, psychotherapy helps to cope with strong feelings of their imperfection.

Untilova (Cryer) Natalya Vladimirovna, psychologist in Moscow

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Children are very fond of collective games, but not all small researchers are able to adequately respond to losing. Many parents do not know how to behave properly with a child who, having been defeated, begins to cry, scream, and take offense at other participants in the game, accusing them that the victory was unfair. "I am a parent" will talk about several effective ways to teach a child to adequately respond to losses in games and not get upset due to defeat.

What is the reason?

In order to teach your child to accept the rules of the game and not be afraid to lose, you should understand why children are generally so sensitive to defeat, if the game is just entertainment?

The fact is that children under the age of 9-10 are in a state of "". They are used to the fact that in the eyes of others they are the center of the universe and do not understand that there are certain boundaries in life. This syndrome is especially pronounced in the only child in the family or in the pet, who enjoys privileges from the parents. Often these children perceive themselves too positively, have high self-esteem, and in any situation they are used to achieving their goal. Losing they consider an attempt on their own narcissism and a real tragedy, especially if parents always demand victories from them.

Winning games at all costs is often the child’s motto and when rivalry between brothers and sisters takes place in all areas of life.

How to teach a child to adequately perceive a loss?

Do not scold or ridicule the child for his loss, but rather let him know that you are proud of him, no matter what. Do not compare him with those who turned out to be stronger, but note his efforts, praise for the struggle in the game, for the fact that he did not give up, but reached almost to the very end. Explain to the child that participation rather than victory is much more important in the game, and that all competitors, not just the winner, are great, and never use words like “out”, “out,” “loser,” etc. It will be great if you come up with consolation prizes for the loser, just try to make them no worse than the prizes for the winner, otherwise the child will still feel that he is worse than someone else.

Children always take, therefore, demonstrate by your own behavior that losses can be perceived without anger and resentment. If you lose, say: “So I’m lucky some other time” or “In the next game I will come up with a new strategy and I will definitely win.” Add a funny note to the defeat with the words “So what, what have I lost, but I am the kindest mother in the world, right?”.

If you are one on one and find yourself the winner, the little loser with the words “It was very difficult for me to play with you”, “This victory was not easy for me”, “Each time it is more difficult for me to defeat you!”. Well, then you can offer him to play another game - the one where he will definitely be the winner. This, for example, can be “Tic-tac-toe” or “Rock-paper-scissors”, as in these games the defeats are quickly replaced by victories and vice versa, and the child begins to perceive the loss as a temporary and insignificant failure.

Following these simple tips, you will gradually teach your child to calmly accept his defeats and perceive them as a step to further improve their skills.

Victoria Kotlyarova

I can not lose

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It is clear that no one likes to lose. However, for some reason, some children are able to restrain their emotions and are more calm about their loss, while others perceive it as a catastrophe, begin to cry, take offense, scandal, scream ... As a result, all players have a bad mood and there is no desire to start playing again.

The main reason for the inability to lose is the high dependence of the child’s self-perception on external circumstances and the inability to accept their failures. Of course, over time, when it is more or less formed, and the child understands that losing is an experience thanks to which certain conclusions can be drawn, he will no longer cry and get killed because of a small defeat.

In the meantime, children's self-conceit in most children depends on losing or winning. When children win, their self-esteem rises, and they begin to consider themselves kings. And when they lose - by jerks. In fact, the child should know that he is always good, regardless of the opinions of others, otherwise he will think that if he is praised, then he is “good”, scolding means “bad”. The child should feel sincere and, disposition and approval of the parents. Only in this case, he will not perceive the loss as something irreparable.

Most often, there is an inability to lose in temperamental boys, such as, for example, since they are more reckless, like to lead and are not shy in expressing their feelings. To such children in any field.

More clearly, the inability to lose is manifested in those made by the "idol" of the family. Such children receive all the best and are not used to failures and losses. Parents enthusiastically emphasize what their child is unusual, talented, can do everything, aim him only for victory, and here such a blunder ... And the child believes that he seems to fail his parents, having lost in the banal game of “walkers”.

You can also observe the inadequate consequences of losing in children from large families or families where insufficient attention is paid to children and they feel "depreciated." In this case, the child tries to win by all means, thinking that in this way his parents will appreciate and love him more, will pay attention to him and praise him.

Tips for parents of children whose children cannot play:

You need to pay more attention to the child and show him your love (through kisses and hugs).

More often, but sincerely and justifiably for any success, including in the presence of other children.

Consult with your child and give him the opportunity to defend his opinion.

Try not to make the child any comments, it is better to advise what to do.

It is very important to avoid comparisons of the child with others. You can only compare with yourself (you see, yesterday you did not succeed, you trained and could today !!!).

Try not to offer contests in which the child is likely to lose. And if there is such a possibility, then before the start of the game, say why you can lose here and what should be done in this case ...

You can come up with some kind of ritual for the loser: for example, the one who loses in this game must eat a “sweet” candy.

Play in where the victory is easy to win, but it just as quickly moves to another player and just as quickly comes back.

Do not focus on losing and winning. Orient the child to the process of activity itself ("How interesting it was to play!").

In order not to underestimate the child’s self-esteem, do not make excessive demands on him.

Show a pattern of behavior in case of loss: if you lose, congratulate the winner, say that you are a little upset, in this game you will try to be more careful and hope to win anyway ...

If the child loses, support him, together discuss what could be done to win the next time.

Do not strive to ensure that the child always wins. To feel the sincere joy of victory, losses are necessary! Tell us about your experience of defeats and victories, so the child will understand that all people once win, and when they lose, this is normal! It is impossible to always win!

Material for the lesson.