Adult children of a narcissistic mother. Narcissistic parents: life by proxy

25-year-old Elena says: “My mother always paid great attention to achievements. She was always interested in what people think and say, about whom they write in the newspapers, who won in the next contest, etc. My elder brother and I adopted this picture of the world: it does not matter who you are, it is important what you achieved and who recognized your achievements . I was a cute girl, but, according to my mother, I lacked grace. Yes, I was overweight and I was a bit awkward. And I was very ashamed of it. My brother did not study well at school, but played in a football team, and in the eyes of his mother he was a star. I studied well, but my mother stopped taking pictures of me from the age of ten. I only have a few shots from those times - they were taken by relatives. This is terrible!"

Children who lack parental love rarely talk about it. Children whom parents ignore or give complete freedom suffer from a lack of attention, but they do not feel the pain that a narcissistic mother can cause. The child of an emotionally distant mother always feels a lot of pressure from the fact that he has to fight for her attention.

The child of the controlling mother, on the contrary, is trying to free herself from constant pressure and rules. He does not have enough space for action, for reflection, for the manifestation of feelings. Just to be yourself. The accusing mother teaches the child to defend herself, by all means to avoid conflicts and her attention. An emotionally distant mother, on the contrary, teaches a child in every way to attract attention.

In all of the above cases, we are faced with the fact that the child lacks parental love. At the same time, children cope with such conditions in different ways, develop different emotional reactions. In various cases, the dislike of the mother does harm to the child.

Points of contact

Daffodil mothers and mothers striving for control see their children as an extension of themselves, and not as individuals. They support and care for their children only when they live up to their expectations. It's hard to call love. Such mothers project their ambitions on their daughters and do not recognize their own needs.

Both the narcissistic mothers and the controlling mothers from the outside seem modern and sophisticated, although in reality they are not confident in themselves and are afraid of being exposed. These hidden feelings are the reason for their perfectionism in everything, including in relation to their children. Their desire for achievement and recognition is passed on to the children - they also seek the approval and admiration of others. Since such a mother sees the child as a continuation of herself, she zealously fights with all his shortcomings, trying to make him an ideal person who is not ashamed to show the world.

39-year-old Anna says: “As a child, my mother told me not to be friends with everyone. She believed that some children had a bad influence on me, and therefore I was forbidden to walk with them and invite me home. I did not like the friends my mother chose, so over time I stopped trying to make friends. But she was also not happy that I was withdrawn, did not participate in school life, did not go in for sports, but only read books. So she switched to my little sister, who was more active than me. And since that time I have become a scapegoat in my family. I’m 39 now, but my mother’s attitude hasn’t changed. ”

Narcissism and control: common features and differences

The two types of motherhood considered may seem interconnected and even interchangeable, but the motivation of mothers and how they justify their behavior are different.

Daffodils constantly strive to be in the spotlight, and this feature of them determines how they treat their children. However, they do not understand the reasons for their behavior. They are either happy with the children or not - there is no third. If the mother is disappointed with the child, she ceases to pay attention to him, and he becomes for her a "scapegoat". Daffodil mothers resort to various manipulations in order to attract attention. This is their main goal.
In controlling mothers different motivation. They care about their appearance, like daffodils, but they are driven by fears and insecurity. Therefore, they do not let anything drift. Such a mother needs to feel her worth and need, so she does not leave anything outside her attention in raising children. While narcissistic mothers enjoy power over others (including their child), controlling mothers believe that without their help, children will fail in life. They are driven by fear, but they disguise it under the guise of control and power. The controlling mother is authoritarian - she literally forces the child to obey her rules, but at the same time considers it a necessity. The way she treats her daughter carries a hidden message: "You won’t manage without me."

Dangerous attachment as an adaptation mechanism

Children whose mothers do not satisfy their needs and do not support them, growing up, become prone to dangerous affection. There are three types of dangerous attachments: anxious, rejecting-avoiding, and anxious-avoiding:

A girl with a preoccupied affection, in fact, seeks a close relationship, but fears that she will be rejected. She is very sensitive to self-neglect and emotionally unstable.
Girls with rejectively-avoiding attachment do not seek to establish a close relationship, it seems to them that others need this connection more, and are proud of their independence.
Girls with anxious-avoiding affection seek communication, but emotional vulnerability and fear force them to defend themselves.

Daughters of narcissistic mothers and supervising mothers in adulthood can exhibit each of the above types of affection, as well as their combination.

What do daughters of daffodils and controlling mothers have in common

Problem 1. Difficulties with managing feelings.

This problem, combined with insufficiently developed emotional intelligence, is characteristic of all daughters whose emotional needs in childhood were not satisfied. And it does not depend on the parenting style that their mother used. Children learn to cope with feelings (in particular, sadness and resentment), interacting with their mother in infancy. According to the theory of attachment, if this interaction does not occur, the child either avoids his feelings so as not to experience stress (avoiding the type of attachment), or cannot cope with emotions (anxious type of attachment).

Problem number 2. Misunderstanding

Both daffodils and controlling mothers focus on the external characteristics of children. What matters to them is what their daughter does, not who she is. Therefore, daughters do not pay attention to their thoughts, feelings, needs and desires. Growing up, they know too little about themselves, because their true nature is hidden deep inside.

Problem number 3. The perverted concept of love

Daffodils and controlling mothers teach their daughters that love is based on mutual benefit and affection. This understanding of love can remain with her daughter for the rest of her life. Probably, she will be attracted to people who will treat her the same way as her mother. We are always attracted to what we are familiar with, even if it does not bring us happiness. This also applies to our understanding of love.

The Influence of the Daffodil Mother

Since daffodil mothers are skilled manipulators who try their best to attract attention, their influence on their daughters depends on whether their daughter is ready to make concessions. The approval of the mother usually means that the daughter ignores her own needs and feelings. If the daughter does not feel affection for the mother, she may herself exhibit narcissistic traits. She usually understands the toxicity of her relationship with her mother, but suffers from internal chaos. She may pay attention to her own feelings and needs or continue to try to win the mother’s love. In any case, the negative influence of the narcissistic mother on her daughter will be strong:

The daughter doubts her decisions and criticizes herself. Difficulties in the relationship of the mother with her daughter (for example, the mother’s constant allegations about her daughter’s inferiority) greatly affect her. Outwardly, a daughter can be quite successful, but inside - unsure of herself. As for success in life, the daughters of daffodils either achieve significant success or fail. There is no third.
Daughter thinks daffodil behavior is normal. Young children believe that people live the same in all families. The daughters of daffodil mothers think that all mothers treat their children the same way, and it is normal to win the attention of the mother. Therefore, they are convinced that they need to hide their true self and become what their mother wants to see them. Probably, in adulthood, the daughter will also be attracted to daffodils. And in order to understand her childhood trauma, it will take time.
Daughter has trouble making connections and intimacy. A girl may have a need for close ties, but the inability to overcome her fears and attraction to those who, by her behavior reminds her of a mother, does not allow her to experience intimacy.

The influence of the controlling mother

Today, the term “hyperprotection” is often used instead of the word “control,” and this is alarming - after all, the new term sounds quite friendly. However, the daughters of the controlling mothers feel inferior, because they constantly hear the phrase "You mean nothing without me." This leads to a number of problems.

The daughter perceives power incorrectly.She tries to justify her mother’s behavior, thinking: “It’s hard for me to do with her, but all this is done for my own good”, “Mom wishes me well”, “Mom does not understand what hurts me.” However, the daughter does not see the difference between power and control. Probably, in adulthood, she will be inclined to obey, although she may feel miserable, because others will ignore her interests just like her mother.
Daughters do not have enough stamina. Women who have been subject to control in childhood may have developed so much self-criticism that they will avoid failure by all means. Everyone is mistaken, but such daughters see this as confirmation that without a mother they can not cope with problems. Attitudes received in childhood from mothers are deeply rooted in their psyche.

In contact

The problem of children of narcissistic mothers is serious. The 50-60s of the 20th century brought a lot of narcissistic personalities. I have not seen research on this topic, but it seems to me that the Soviet state, treating the person as a cog, saw only blanks for cogs in growing children. But, no matter how it happens, the fact remains the fact. There are enough daffodils among that generation.

I already wrote about narcissistic moms in a previous article. There it was about relationships, and about the fact that a child for such a mother is property and an instrument that for many years deforms the psyche of her child.

The only thing I said in passing then was the constant maintenance of a pathological emotional connection with my already grown child. Despite the fact that relations can be completely implicated in various types of violence, the child is firmly attached to the mother and stays with her, despite the fact that the parent continues to abuse him and ruin his life in every way.

Well, of course no one binds anyone to the battery. The child, it seems, himself, voluntarily remains nearby. He is in a constant attempt to detach various degrees of strength, or is confined to his mother with confidence in his worthlessness, hopelessness, powerlessness before life. And of course, guilty - I can’t leave my mother and move to a neighboring house, because my mother raised, fed, nights, did not sleep.

It is not necessary that the mother will look like a real violent monster. Nevertheless, such cases in society are not encouraged, therefore, in general, are avoided by the parents. It is important for them to look good in the eyes of others.

It will be about the fact that mom seems to love a child, but too much. It is through love that its power over a grown child is realized, as over property. Property sometimes buzzes and covert violence is applied to it

This connection is difficult to break, primarily because the child himself believes that someone has the right to own it. It could not be otherwise.

Mother has the right to do whatever she wants, because she is a mother and a very good person. And this confidence that it is possible and even necessary to be the property of a good person, because I need to be needed and useful to someone, destroys, first of all, the life of such a grown-up child with his partner. Normal people don’t need tool partners, and tools are often needed by other daffodils. The last color in life does not add.

I will not be engaged in painting, I will write a list of how this love-property looks.

1. There should be no secrets between mother and child. If the mother suspects that the 30-year-old daughter is “not saying” something from her life, at least some detail, she arranges the scene “you do not trust me!”.

Children often, meeting with their mother, are anxious in advance that they will have to tell everything, because if you do not tell, then the mother will pull out information with ticks.

2. However, often children, most often daughters, mothers, all lay out themselves, to the smallest detail. “Mom and I have no secrets.” The fact that the relationship is close is fine, but a person should have a piece of life that belongs only to him.

At the same time, frankness can end badly for a child. Mother criticizes, begins to actively intervene in everything, gets a reason to control. But the children still continue to tell their secrets.

3. Mom is usually not at all embarrassed to put her nose wherever she wants. For her, there are no boundaries in the personal life of an adult child. She loves him and wants good.

He loves to talk later with a child on this topic. “I found a note in the table attached to the book.“ Vasya is 3 hours. ”What is Vasya, and what will you do with him?”

4. In marriage or in a relationship for a child of such a parent, a mother is always more important than a partner. The partner can immediately be neglected, whatever the situation.

They can leave their wife with labor at home, because mom needs to bring cigarettes (it’s raining outside, she won’t go to the kiosk in the rain).

They very much listen to the opinion of mothers what to do in marriage, what kind of relationship to build, what to tell a partner, what to demand and how to resolve conflicts. After a disagreement, the child of such a mother contacts the parent (often calls by phone) and tells in detail what happened.

In general, a married mother becomes the 3rd person through whom all relationships in a couple are refracted. If the partner demands protection from the mother-in-law or mother-in-law’s infringement on the life of the couple, the problem is usually jammed. A grown child does not want to solve it.

5. Mom seems to constantly depend on her children in everything, although in fact, she is quite awake, healthy and capable. She constantly insists that children break away from vacation, leave work, abandon their plans, because now, at this moment, she needs their help. (From the mezzanine you need to get the lids from the cans. Yes, right now, she cannot wait until her son ends the meeting. Her jam is boiling).

You can’t leave her, even on Saturday-Sunday for barbecue. She is healthy, feels great, and what if something happens at night? Go on vacation for 5 days? All 5 days will be tormented by conscience, but what about mom?

The beginning of an independent life is a betrayal, therefore it is better not to meet with anyone, or to meet so that mom does not know.

6. In such families, there are characteristic rules:

If they call you, please explain: who said what and why you called.

All rooms must have doors open. If suddenly an adult child closes the door, then he is hiding something.

The family should know about all friends and acquaintances. If someone comes to visit an adult child, then the mother should be present at the conversation, or even talk to the guest herself. Ask him all sorts of tricky questions, checking if this person is good?

For everything, you need to ask mom's advice, and not just formally. You need to listen to the advice and do better as your mother said, otherwise resentment and scandal (you do not trust me that I did you wrong, I wished good)

Holidays are celebrated only together. No options. If you want to meet someone else, you’re a damned traitor and you don’t love mom (all, you don’t need mom?)

Tags: Narcissism,

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Deafening BRIGHTNESS OF THE SILENT AVOIDANCE

Examples of silent avoidance: you report that the partner did something unacceptable in relation to you (deceived, lied), the daffodil leaves you and you do not see him for a week. Then, as if nothing had happened, he returns to your door.

Tags: Narcissism,

Fascinated by the daffodil: Price of illusion

Gestalt therapist Gennady Maleychuk: “Narcissus feeds the Sacrifice. But as soon as the Sacrifice has the first illusion, it takes away from it what it first gave in excess or hinted at it.“ And then - clap - and this is no longer! What am I doing wrong? "

Tags: Narcissism,

Tags: Relationships, Narcissism, Infantility, Borderline Personality Disorder, Women, Men, Psychopathy,,

Depreciate, blacken, trample in mud

Psychologist Anna Kiryanova: “Psychologists and philosophers have long noticed and understood that every mocking and giggling has a purpose. He has a definite goal. He needs to stain and devalue as much as possible good, bright, simple - human. Depreciates and slanders" malignant narcissus ", a character with a severe personality disorder, suffering from the consciousness of his insignificance. That is the reason and secret of denigration - envy of the person, hatred of good, own insignificance and baseness."

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Narcissistic personality: 7 sins of narcissism

Psychiatrist Natalya Stilson: “The 7 sins of narcissism described by Hotkins are: 1) Shamelessness - a person willingly tells about himself all intimate details, sins, etc. He can do something intimate and repulsive in the presence of others for those reasons, that in his performance and in him this cannot cause condemnation or censure among others because he is beautiful, for example, such a person can willingly talk about using others for his own purposes, deceiving suckers, teaching cattle, driving a car while intoxicated . "

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Portrait of a victim of a destructive person: the primary choice of a daffodil and a sociopath

Narcissus is inclined to choose prominent people in every sense. Outward attractiveness, giftedness, popularity, optimism, energy, vitality - all this causes narcissistic envy and an unconscious desire to merge with an idealized object in order to “complete” their extremely illusory, unsteady personality, or rather, its imitation.

Tags: Co-dependence, Narcissism, Mental trauma, Psychopathy, Emotional dependence, Rescue,

Daffodils and addictions

Psychiatrist Natalya Stilson: “One of the main troubles of a daffodil is addiction of various kinds and types. Both chemical and behavioral. Among them are many alcoholics, drug addicts, gamers, workaholics, sexaholics, shopaholics, workaholics, etc. Why is this does everything arise? Narcissus has difficulty with the normal expression of negative feelings about himself. "

Tags: Addiction, Narcissism, Dependent Personality Disorder,

The impact of developmental trauma on character structure

Psychologist Oksana Tkachuk: “A developmental trauma occurs if the basic needs of the baby, for various reasons, are not systematically and constantly read and satisfied by loved ones. This has an inevitable impact on the formation of his character - in particular, fate - in general."

Tags: Narcissism, Personality, Mental trauma, Perfectionism,

The central drama of the daffodil: what am I?

Gestalt therapist, Sergey Smirnov: “The self-esteem of the daffodil strongly depends on the opinions of others and is either chronically lowered or extremely unstable. People with other types of personality can use others to maintain self-esteem from time to time. Narcissus, being unsaturated in this regard, is interested in this is always. Moreover, again, due to unsaturation, he will strive to take more from the person. He will be able to stop himself, perhaps, with the fear of “putting too much pressure and getting condemnation.”

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The stages of the formation of pathological narcissism

Psychoanalyst Kirill Kryzhanovsky: “An adult egocentric continues to“ pick ”his narcissistic wound. He either concentrates exclusively on himself, turning into a child to whom everyone owes, or, on the contrary, becomes hypersensitive to the slightest, as it seems to him, disrespect from the outside, is engaged in constant self-flagellation, limiting thereby its ability to interact with the world. "

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Narcissistic failure and narcissistic hangover

Psychotherapist Natalya Stilson: “I want to enjoy the glory again and the narcissist grabs everything that comes to hand and quickly uses it without regard to the consequences. She takes loans, spends, has an affair, gives birth to children, deceives and even steals. What then? Then life "the narcissus pokes reality again in the face and his narcissistic failure deepens. So life goes on. Each narcissistic hangover deepens the failure."

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Self-centeredness vs Narcissism: differences and classification of daffodils

Psychotherapist Natalya Stilson: "They distinguish cerebral and somatic narcissus. The first builds his defenses based on the superiority of his mental abilities. The second - on physical manifestations. This is beauty, figure, clothes, jewelry."

Tags: Narcissism, Self-centeredness,

Narcissistic spectrum: determining the severity of the disease

Psychotherapist Natalya Stilson: “During stress, narcissistic traits can come out of oblivion and impair overall functioning. This is not surprising, because narcissism is at the core of personal protection. Very peculiar and dasadaptive, but still, sometime in childhood she was effective. "

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Neurotic personality: thirst for attention, approval, praise

“Wanting attention is abnormal, or rather, it may be normal, in the sense that the majority lives like this, but it doesn’t lead to joy and happiness. It’s hard to experience attention for an adult person. It’s normal for a child who is breastfeeding - feel the need for attention and care. "

How does a narcissistic mother raise her children and what are the consequences of such an upbringing?
Children of narcissistic parents are psychologically traumatized people. When an adult falls under the influence of a daffodil, the consequences are negative, but for children whose parents are daffodils, this influence is simply destructive. Children grow up with blurred boundaries, with low or hypertrophied self-esteem. They do not know who they are, what they want, what their goals and plans are, they try to please people and are constantly ashamed. Also, chronic diseases are a common symptom in children of a narcissistic mother, often diseases are associated with an upset gastrointestinal tract. A child can become a daffodil himself or a potential victim of a daffodil, that is, attract daffodil partners, daffodil friends, husbands, wives, bosses, colleagues.

What is the difference between a narcissistic mother and a normal mother?

A narcissistic mother does not feel her child, does not understand that he is ill, ignores his feelings, because she does not have empathy. For example, if a child cries, she may say: “Nothing, you cry more - you pee less. They take water to the offended. ” Very often they offend their child, and then accuse him of being offended. The child cannot understand anything, like the victim is him, but his brains are twisted so that he feels shame for his feelings, and then he executed himself for being so touchy.

Children often have suicidal thoughts because no one hears them and no one understands them, and suicide is a way to attract attention and show how bad they feel. If a child confesses to her mother in suicidal thoughts, she may say: “Can you bring a rope with soap?” Eric Burns called it a hangman’s smile: parents feel joy when a child is sick.

A mother can manipulate her child with the help of fear: "That's because you behave so badly, I can die." - Or with the help of guilt: "Dad left us because you behaved badly." Dad apparently left because of her, not because of the child, but she turns the arrows on the child to instill guilt and make it easier to manage. As a rule, the feeling of shame and guilt remains with the child for many years. He is to blame for everyone and for everything.

The narcissistic mother constantly lowers, blames and ridicules the child. She often jokes in public, such as: “Look, our Kolya always forgets everything, he is so absent-minded and clumsy,” or: “Our Vanya has all the stones.” The child becomes socially inadequate, awkward, even more absent-minded, because the words of the mother act as a self-fulfilling prophecy. He is forming a program of potential victims. Both adults and children begin to laugh at him, he literally begins to attract offenders.

A daffodil mother may even envy her children. She is trying to compete with her daughter as a woman for the love of her husband or other men. She does not want her daughter to look better than her. If a daughter has a young man, she will try to seduce him, because her daughter’s happiness means nothing to her, the main thing for her is her own success.

In addition, such a mother talks a lot about herself, sets herself an example, tells how good she is, she also ascribes all the merits of the child to herself. For example, she will say: “I’ve been working out with you, and you received a good grade.” She boasts of her educational victories over others, often in the presence of a child. The child begins to understand that in itself he is worth nothing, he is in unpaid debt to his mother. Thus, co-dependence is formed, which the mother then uses for life to keep an already adult child on a short leash and to exploit it.

A narcissistic mother may say that she loves her children, that she takes care of them, but that is all to manipulate. She says she loves the child, but the child does not feel it. By the age of 10, the child ceases to love his mother and feels guilty for this: “Mom has done so much for me!” The narcissistic mother of her children holds this fault for the rest of her life.

Be aware of your relationships with parents and children and be happy.

Tatyana Dyachenko

Interview with Sam Vankin

Sam Vankin is the author of the books “Malicious Love for Self”, “Revised Narcissism” and “After the Rain - How the West Lost the East”, and many other (paper and electronic) publications on topics from psychology, relations, philosophy, economics and international relations. He has been a correspondent for the Central Europe Review, Global Politician, PopMatters, eBookWeb and Bellaonline, and - as Principal Business Correspondent - for United Press International (UPI). He has also been the editor of the mental health and CEE categories in The Open Directory and Suite101.

How does a narcissistic mother behave?

She takes care of the physical health of her child, can give him to different circles and sections, dress beautifully - but she does not know anything about his inner world and his needs. Who he is, what he is and what he wants is what interests her the least. She herself knows everything for him, because she perceives it as an extension of herself.

What is the effect of narcissistic parents on their children?

At the risk of oversimplifying, I note nevertheless that narcissism tends to feed - but only a small fraction of the children of narcissistic parents become daffodils. This may be due to genetic predispositions or other life circumstances (for example, not to be the firstborn). But MOST Daffodils have one of the parents or guardians, the daffodil.

The narcissistic parent sees in his child the multifaceted Source of the Narcissistic Resource. The child is considered a continuation of the daffodil. And it is through the child that the daffodil tries to bill the world. The child is intended to fulfill the unfulfilled dreams, desires and fantasies of the narcissistic parent. Such a “life by proxy” can develop in two ways: the narcissus can either merge with his child, or be indifferent to him. Indifference is the result of a conflict between the narcissistic desire to achieve their narcissistic goals through the child and his pathological (destructive) envy of the child and his achievements. To alleviate the burden imposed by such emotional duality, the narcissistic parent resorts to thousands of control mechanisms. They can be grouped like this: guided by feelings of guilt (“I sacrificed my life for you”), co-dependent (“I need you, I can’t live without you”), goal-oriented (“We have a common goal that we must achieve”), general psychoses and emotional incest (“You and I are opposed to the whole world, or, by at least to your monstrous, bad father "," You are my one and only true love and passion ") and explicit (" If you do not accept my principles, beliefs, ideology, religion, values, if you do not obey my instructions, I will punish you").

This control exercise helps maintain the illusion that the child is part of the daffodil. But maintaining the illusion requires an extraordinary level of control (on the part of the parent) and humility (on the part of the child). These relationships are usually symbiotic and emotionally explosive.

The child also performs another important narcissistic function - providing the Narcissistic Resource. One cannot but notice the supposed (albeit imaginary) immortality in the fact of having children. The child’s early (natural) dependence on his guardians acts as a relief of his fear of abandonment. Narcissus tries to prolong this dependence by using the above control mechanisms. The Child is the ultimate Secondary Source of Narcissistic Resource. He is always there, he adores the daffodil, he is a witness to the moments of his triumph and greatness.

Because of his desire to be loved, a constant can be extorted from a child giving. For a daffodil, a child is the realization of all dreams, but only in the most selfish sense. When a child demonstrates a “rejection” of his main function (to provide his narcissistic parent with constant attention), the emotional reaction of the parent is severe and revealing. It is when the narcissistic parent is disappointed in his child, we can see the real nature of these pathological relationships. The child is fully materialized. Narcissus reacts to the violation of this unwritten contract with a fair amount of aggression and aggressive transformations: contempt, rage, emotional, psychological and even physical violence. He is trying to destroy the real "rebellious" child and replace him with a humble, trained, previous version of him.

What are the most common ways in which maternal narcissism can affect her daughter's relationship?

It depends on how narcissistic her mother is. Narcissistic parents cannot recognize and accept personal independence and the boundaries of their offspring. They consider them tools of their reward or extensions of themselves. Their love is determined by the “quality” of their children and how well they satisfy the needs, desires and priorities of the parent.

Therefore, narcissistic parents alternate between sticky emotional blackmail (when they seek the attention of a child), flattery and suppleness (known as Narcissistic Resource) with severe depreciation and boycott (when they want to punish the child for refusing to adhere to the rules).

Such inconstancy and unpredictability make a child unprotected and dependent. Entering into adult relationships, such children feel that they must “earn” every crumb of love; that they will be permanently and easily abandoned if they do not completely “comply with the standard”; that their main role is to “take care” of their spouse, friend, partner, or friend; and that they are less important, less valuable, less skillful and less deserving than others significant to them.

What is most important when the daughters of narcissistic mothers have a relationship? When does this relationship go further? When does this relationship end?

A child of narcissistic parents is sickly fit; his personality is inflexible and subject to the development of psychological defense mechanisms. That is, in their relationship they exhibit the same behavior, from beginning to end, and regardless of changing circumstances.

Having grown up, the offspring of daffodils tend to prolong the pathological primary relationship (with their narcissistic parents). They depend on other people with regard to the emotional support and functioning of the Ego, and generally daily activities. They are needy, demanding and humble. They are afraid of being abandoned, tenacious and exhibit immature behavior in their attempts to maintain a “relationship” with their companion or friend on whom they depend. No matter what kind of violence they inflict, they remain in a relationship. Willingly accepting the role of sacrifice, the co-dependent are eager to control their rapists.

Some of them become Inverted Daffodils

Also referred to as “hidden daffodils,” this co-dependentthat are completely dependent on daffodils (daffodil dependent). If you live with a daffodil, have a relationship with him, are married to him, married to him, work with a daffodil, etc. - This does NOT mean that you are an inverted daffodil.

To be an inverted daffodil, you must CLICK on the relationship with the daffodil, no matter how much violence he / she has caused you. You should ACTIVELY look for relationships with the daffodil and ONLY with the daffodil, no matter what your (bitter and traumatic) past experience is. You must feel EMPTY and MISCLE in your relationship with ANY OTHER personality type. Only then, and if you satisfy the other diagnostic criteria of Dependent Personality Disorder, you can safely be called an Inverted Narcissus.

A small minority is becoming counterdependent and narcissisticby emulating and mimicking the traits and behavior of their parents. The emotions of these children of narcissistic feelings and needs are buried under the "scars" educated, fused and coarsened over the years of this or that form of violence. Splendor, a sense of importance, a lack of empathy (empathy) and an overwhelming arrogance usually hide a gnawing sense of insecurity and vacillating self-esteem.
Counter-dependent are stubborn (reject and disregard authority), are rigidly independent, self-centered, dominant and aggressive. They are afraid of intimacy and trapped in cycles of indecisive rapprochement with the subsequent avoidance of obligations. They are “lone wolves” and are bad as team players.

Counterdependence Is a reactive formation. The counter-dependent judges his weaknesses himself. He tries to overcome them by projecting the image of omniscience, omnipotence, success, self-sufficiency and superiority.

How do narcissistic mothers influence and participate in their daughters' intimate / married lives?How does it look compared to ordinary mothers?

The narcissistic mother suffers from a delusions of control, he hardly leaves the good old sources of the Narcissistic Resource (reverence, praise, attention of any kind). The role of their children is to constantly replenish this resource, the child owes it to her. To make sure that the child does not develop boundaries, and does not become independent or autonomous, the narcissistic parent finely controls the life of the child and encourages dependent and infantile behavior in his offspring.

Such a parent bribes the child (offering free access to great financial support) or emotionally blackmails the child (constantly demanding help and doing homework, declaring his illness or disability), or even threatens the child (for example: what will deprive her of her inheritance if she doesn’t indulge the wishes of the parent). The narcissistic mother also does everything possible to scare away anyone who can upset this symbiotic attitude, or somehow threatens a delicate, unannounced relationship. She sabotages any friendship developed by her daughter through lies, cunning and ridicule.

To begin with, the family is as if conceived so that people can be safe, calm and contented there. Family members, according to the idea of \u200b\u200bnature, should support each other to varying degrees.

There, of course, there are their own alpha and gamma individuals, which get family resources in different ways, but still everyone gets it. And all alpha and gamma are held together by dopamine, oxytacin and a number of other hormones (well, let’s concentrate on dopamine, since we are mainly talking about it). And dopamine is released to all members of the group because life in the family, from the point of view of survival of the species, is more successful.

Now it is no longer necessary to pile up due to the fact that it is easier to fill up the cave bear with a bunch and stone the mammoth. However, nobody is forbidden to use natural dopamine gifts in the presence of relatives. There is only one misfortune. Relationships in the family are often so complex that there is something to relax and enjoy. Sometimes, even for a second you can’t doze off so as not to grab an adrenaline knockout.

Cases and sources of knockout are different, but, quite often, daughters receive knockouts from narcissistic mothers. This problem, in fact, is quite widespread, because we have in stock daffodils for many years.

Moreover, narcissistic parents, as a rule, are not able to raise an adequate child due to their characteristics. Those. create the conditions for the offspring to develop into an independent self-sufficient person, they cannot.

Both sons and daughters inherit narcissistic mothers, but the latter are more, because the mother sees her daughter as a competitor in many areas. I’ll explain why.

In general, initially, the future narcissistic mother plans that her child will be the best and he will have all the best. This is not that the dreams of every young woman who pretends to be the mother, she is 100% confident, flavored with arrogance.

Those. the basic idea of \u200b\u200bthe existence of the child is not the child and motherhood itself, but a way of protecting one’s unstable self. From the very beginning, a child is not generally regarded as a person. This is either part of the daffodil, or part of the decor. From this, the attitude towards the child is appropriate.

I will explain clearly. Can I love my right ear? Of course. Moreover, you can sincerely admire your ear. But imagine that your ear suddenly does not want to go shopping with you or wants to have its own friends. What's this? This is some kind of schizophrenia. Somehow you have to fight the ear! Somehow it needs to be treated or acted upon. Imagine your ear may want to live separately! How are you without an ear. Not that you will miss him. But somehow uncomfortable and unusual. And generally speaking. Do you wear earrings one by one?

Can I love a nightstand in the corner of the room? Of course, and yet, you can also admire her. But it is clear that the bedside table has completely narrow indications for use, and no one asks the bedside table where to stand, what paint to cover it with and what kind of junk to keep in its drawers. Negotiations with furniture and tolerance for its furniture needs is already that sickness.

Now the time has come, and the narcissistic mother decided to reveal a miracle, to shake the world with the birth of a beautiful child. The first time she hangs around somewhere in 4-5 months of pregnancy, when the latter begins to make itself felt in one way or another. In general, all sorts of unpleasant events such as childbirth, which can not be avoided, are waiting ahead.

You can, of course, talk about adopting a child or, there, surrogate motherhood, but, you understand that there the child will not be ideal. Maybe it’s bad genetics, or a bad influence (all of a sudden a surrogate mother gets sick with a thread) one cannot trust anyone here. Have an abortion or artificial birth?

It won’t work either. Firstly, the idea to hit the world is still present, and secondly, abortion and childbirth are also not a fountain what a charm. There are many more personal things. As a result, somewhere in this period, narcissistic mothers suffer from doubts about whether to get rid of the baby, and as a result, they continue to squeak before pregnancy.

It is about this period that they subsequently add up ballads that tell the children “I didn’t have an abortion / artificial birth”, “if I hadn’t been with you at that time for 4 months”.

In general, the vast majority want only a son. Daughter on ultrasound is a blow below the waist. All that is needed is a son who will become president and ruler of the galaxy. No daughter, she is second grade. Women are not so readily elected as presidents, and even more so as lords of the galaxy.

Imagination immediately begins to draw to them that the daughter will be a bitch, a prostitute and a parasite, and her mother will only be tormented. Some get rid of a child of the wrong sex. Others already have negative feelings for their daughter. That is, the key point here is not that a woman wants a boy, but that she hates her daughter even before her birth and sees her own life failure in the fact of her existence.

Births in women are usually difficult. For psychological reasons. The very process of childbirth in them causes a sharp protest. It doesn’t matter whether it’s paid or not, with or without friends, the woman remains unhappy.

With a child, problems arise almost immediately. The baby is a living creature and, although dependent on the mother, still separate. The narcissistic mother does not understand and does not feel well the needs of the child.

Let us return to the example of an ear and a bedside table. If you are tired, it is assumed that the ear is tired too, if you want to eat, then the ear wants too. And imagine that your desires do not coincide with the ear. You want to eat and feed the ear, ear, sorry, vomits on you. Well, what about the bedside table!

Imagine that you did everything according to the instructions for caring for furniture, and the nightstand begins to make noise at night, and you find a bunch of bowel movements under it. Right on the expensive floor! The bedside table very persistently wants you to remove a bunch and then anoint it, the bedside table with oils, wrapped it in paper, sang to it and carried it on your hands! And so every day for a year, or even more!

Now you understand that if the daffodil can withstand all this, then later he recalls caring for the child as a personal feat. It was really not easy for mom daffodil. Sometimes, she manages to fuse a child at his most indigestible age with his grandparents. This is very good, because in all subsequent problems with the child will be chronically guilty.

If the grandparents do not burn out, then the child's mother is chronically annoying. If this is a daughter, then she is constantly in the eyes of her mother stupid, clumsy, unfortunate, and a lot of all sorts of things that do not describe child imperfections.

If the mother does not distinguish between herself and the child, she constantly walks with her daughter, communicates with her children, solves all issues, buys clothes, toys, etc. What she likes, for it is clear that her daughter likes it. She may not like something else.

If there is a wall between the mother and daughter, then the mother can completely forget about the child. Do not celebrate birthdays, forget to buy her clothes, forget to pick up from school.

Both types can ignore the problems of the child. The first type is ignored because it does not understand that there is a problem (the mother does not have a problem, how can the child have a problem), the second type simply does not want to know what the problem is.

Accordingly, in adolescence, the first type continues to hang around the daughter everywhere, to interfere in her relationships and affairs. Any attempts by the girl to resolve something on her own are resolutely suppressed. Nobody would want the ear to live a separate life.

The second type, gives his daughter as much freedom as she wants, but severely punishes for deviations from the general line of the party + requires retribution for labor (I gave birth to you!).

In adulthood, the children of daffodil mothers continue to have a difficult relationship with their mother. A mother who knows no boundaries gives her in marriage and lives a family life with her and her husband. But only so that the daughter was not very happy. Relations with her husband are constantly swinging so that the daughter is next to her mother. Sometimes a mother even gets a divorce, if suddenly her husband is too self-confident person.

In the absence of contact, the mother eventually begins to simply use her daughter, as much as possible. If the daughter succeeds, the mother demands that the daughter share with her and even support her because she (the mother) did not have an abortion in the 5th month. But she could! So, daughter, come on, itchy.

If the daughter doesn’t have a very successful life position, her mother will regularly saw her for it. He will be willing to take what he can, for "with a black sheep at least a tuft of wool."

It is clear that the daughter will always be imperfect, for there is only one higher being - the mother herself. Those. the daughter initially has no chance to provoke some kind of recognition from her mother. Therefore, the daughter’s problems are nonsense. They are not interested in mother or are interested only in the sense that this is an admission that she, an unhappy woman, gave birth to a “complete fool”.

There is always an ideal on the side - a neighbor, a relative, another classmate who is a “wonderful girl”. There is a constant comparison with her, naturally not in favor of her child. Well, naturally, the mother constantly compares the successes of her offspring with herself.

But the mother is always better and more important, her problems are more relevant and significant, her interests are more important. If the daughter succeeds, the mother notices that in those same years she had only 100 times more (suitors, job offers, etc.). Or would have, if not for the gaddy child sitting on her neck.

Mamo always knows how to skillfully “lower” her daughter, if she suddenly starts thinking about herself too much. Sometimes direct insults, sometimes affectionate reproach or reminder. She does not cost anything to make a cute tactless remark of her daughter, which will put her at the level of a teenager or even 5 years old.

If a daughter begins to argue and tries to defend herself or finally send her mother to hell, she always knows how to make her daughter feel like a bastard. Each such mother knows the approach to her child. Therefore, all attempts to somehow resolve the conflict end in the fact that the child feels "a bad girl who upsets her mother." And sometimes it is also forced to ask for forgiveness.

As I said, a daughter, especially one whose life has been more or less successful, is often used as a source of income. Some mothers owe millions to their children, and this despite the fact that children are far from fattening. Money is spent on any crap, without an account and calculation.

In general, no one is going to return them initially, because the child should be by the grave of life. All attempts to somehow return the money are met with narcissistic fury, where the mother pompously talks about her merits and tramples the child into the mud.

If the child with the return of debts is persistent, the mother can hire and spread rumors about her daughter, hire gangsters, call a psycho brigade, and file an application with the prosecutor's office. Well, you see, when a bedside table or ear raged and want to try your resources, then we must act decisively.

Do not think that the mother in this situation feels happy. She is as unhappy as her daughter. She can feel necessary and important only in the conditions created by her. Just a child from birth in her arms, like clay from which she sculpts a backup of her deformed personality. And since the child is still another creature that develops according to its own laws, then the mother, in order not to collapse at all, is constantly required to correct her creation in spite of the protests of this creation.

So, a narcissistic mother, this is an eternal battle for her daughter. Which of course, does not bear any mental health and comfort. Those who have such a parent will have to work very hard in order to normalize their lives.

Here, first of all, it is necessary to start with the fact that to form your personality in isolation from your mother. It should be borne in mind that mom will be terribly resistant, and it will also be difficult for you. The first step is to recognize that your childhood was spent next to such a person, digest it.

Discard undigested and leave only that which will really nourish your life and personality. Yes, although childhood could be really terrible and traumatic, but still at least the overwhelming majority have positive crumbs. And this very material is needed to build your life.

If anyone recognizes himself, be careful about your motives for having children.