High self-esteem or how not to pay attention to others. How not to depend on the opinions of others
We are satisfied with life when loved and significant people are waiting for us. This dependence can be taken for granted and "do not scratch where it does not itch." And what if public opinion does not give rest? Know yourself and make sure that you are worthy of love and respect.
It would seem, what difference does it make to us, who will think about how beautiful we are, what we are dressed in, what they said or did? The famous woman once said: “I don’t care what you think about me, because I don’t think about you at all.” The same opinion is shared by our contemporary American actress Cameron Diaz, who stated that she does not care about someone else's opinion, and that she will live her life as she wants, and not someone else.
People who are independent of other people's opinions can be envied, but they are in the minority. Most of them need the approval of others, sometimes even those who are unsympathetic to them. For some, such addiction generally takes on such a painful form that they need the services of a psychotherapist. In particular, the problems with the psyche have actress Megan Fox, known for her phobias. Although, according to her, she often manages to ignore the floods of lies spread about her by tabloid publications, nevertheless, she once said: “... Believe me, I care about what people think about me, ... because I'm not a robot ".
Too much depends on the opinions of those around, impressionable people with vulnerable psyche, and especially young ones. Perhaps it will become easier for them when they learn about the “18-40-60” rule of the American psychologist Daniel Amen, the author of many bestsellers, including “Change your brain - life will change!”. He assures his patients who are suffering from complexes, unsure of themselves and too dependent on the opinions of other people: “At 18 you care about what others think of you, at 40 you don’t give a damn about it, and at 60 you understand that those around you they don’t think at all. ”
Where does this dependence on someone else’s opinion come from, the desire to please and to earn the approval sometimes even from strangers?
Of course, there is nothing wrong with charming the person you are talking to, making a favorable impression on him. After all, as they say, “a kind word is pleasant to a cat”.
It is a different matter: about cases when in a desire to please a person he says not what he thinks, but what others would like to hear from him; He dresses not in the way that suits him comfortably, but in the way his friends or parents impose on him. Gradually, without noticing how, these people lose their individuality and cease to live their own lives. How many fates did not take place due to the fact that the opinions of others were put above their own!
Similar problems have always existed - as long as humanity exists. Another Chinese philosopher who lived before BC. e., remarked: "Worry about what other people think about you, and you will forever remain their captive."
Psychologists say that dependence on other people's opinions is peculiar primarily to people with low self-esteem. Why people don’t value themselves is another question. Perhaps they were "jammed" by authoritarian parents or perfectionist parents. Or maybe they lost faith in themselves and their abilities due to successive failures that followed. As a result, they begin to consider their opinions and feelings not worth the attention of others. Experiencing that they will not be respected, taken seriously, fall out of love and rejected, they try to be “like everyone else” or resemble those who, in their opinion, enjoy authority. Before doing something, they ask themselves the question: “What will people think?”
By the way, the well-known work of A. Griboedov, “Woe from Wit” written in the 19th century, ends with the words of Famusov, who cares not about the conflict that occurred in his house, but “What will Princess Maryaevna begin to say? In this work, Famous society with its hypocritical morality is opposed by Chatsky, a self-sufficient person with his own opinion.
Let's say directly: to depend on the opinions of others is bad, because people who do not have their own point of view are treated with indulgence, they are not considered and respected. And, feeling this, they are tormented even more. In fact, they cannot be happy because they are constantly in a state of internal conflict. They are haunted by a sense of dissatisfaction with themselves, and their mental torment repels people who prefer to communicate with those who are confident in themselves.
True, there is another extreme: one's opinions, desires and feelings are put above all else. Such people live by the principle: "There are two opinions - mine and wrong." But this, as they say, "is a completely different story."
Is it possible to learn not to depend on the opinions of others?
As the secretary Verochka from the movie “Office Romance” said, if you wish, “you can also teach a hare to smoke.” But seriously, people underestimate their capabilities: they can do a lot, including
1. Change yourself, that is, learn to be yourself
And for this, first of all, a strong desire is needed. Writer Ray Bradbury spoke to people: "You can get everything you need, if only you really need it."
To change yourself means to change the way you think. Anyone who changes his thinking can change his life (unless, of course, it suits him). After all, all that we have in life is the result of our thoughts, decisions, behavior in different situations. When making a choice, it is worth considering what is paramount to our own lives or the illusions of other people.
Known for his bright personality, the artist said that he developed a habit of being different from everyone else and behaving differently than other mortals in his childhood;
2. Control yourself
Having an opinion does not mean not listening to someone else's. Someone may have more experience or more competent in some issues. When making a decision, it is important to understand what it is dictated by: your own needs or the desire to keep up with others, fearing not to be a black sheep.
There are many examples when we make a choice, thinking that it is ours, but in fact, friends, parents, colleagues, many have already decided for us. They impose marriage on a young man, because "it is so necessary" and "time", because all friends already have children. Mom asks a 25-year-old girl who is studying in the city during the holidays to bring at least some young man with her to the village, posing as her husband, because mother is ashamed of her neighbors that her daughter is not yet married. People buy unnecessary things for them, arrange expensive weddings, only to meet the expectations of others.
When making a choice and making a decision, it’s worth asking yourself how much it matches our desires. Otherwise, it is easy to let yourself go astray;
3. Love yourself
An ideal is a relative concept. What is ideal for one may not be of any interest to another. Therefore, no matter how hard we try, there will still be a person who will condemn us. How many people, so many opinions are impossible for everyone to like. Yes, I’m “not a chervonets, so that everyone likes me,” said some literary hero.
So why waste your energy on a futile task? Isn't it better to look at yourself in order to finally realize how unique and worthy we are of our own love and respect! This is not about selfish narcissism, but about love for your body and your soul as a whole.
A man who does not love his house does not restore order in it and does not decorate it. He who does not love himself does not care about his development and becomes uninteresting, therefore he does not have his own opinion and gives out someone else's for his own;
4. Stop thinking over
Many of us exaggerate our importance in the lives of others. A married colleague had an affair with an employee. No one was interested in this fact enough to discuss it for more than a few minutes. But it seemed to the employee that everyone was talking about him. And indeed, with all his appearance, he did not let people forget about it: he blushed, turned pale, stuttered and finally quit, unable to withstand, as he believed, backstage conversations. In reality, his fate did not interest anyone, because each person is primarily concerned about his own problems.
All people are primarily occupied with themselves, and even if someone puts on socks of different colors, inside out sweaters, dyes his hair pink, he will not be able to surprise them or attract their attention. Therefore, do not depend on the opinions of others, to whom we are often completely indifferent;
5. Learn to ignore someone else’s opinion if it’s not constructive
They do not criticize only those who are nothing. The American writer Elbert Hubbrad said that if you beware that you will be criticized, then "do nothing, do not say anything and be nobody." But we don’t want to be “nobody”. Therefore, we accept constructive criticism and do not pay attention to the one with which we disagree, preventing it from defining our life. The famous, addressing the graduates of Stanford University, admonished them: "Your time is limited, do not waste it, living someone else's life."
Other people's successes and popularity often cause envy among people who crave them, but who lack the mind, abilities, self-discipline to conquer them. Such people are called haters, and they live on the Internet. They express their “hated” opinion in the comments, trying to break and force “to leave” those who, in their opinion, have earned fame undeservedly. And sometimes they succeed.
Those who like to criticize, wrote Oscar Wilde, who is not able to create something himself. Therefore, they are regrettable, and they should be treated with a share of irony and humor. As one acquaintance says, their opinion in no way will affect my bank account.
No matter how independent we are, the opinion of others is still important to us. This opinion can greatly affect our lives if you pay a lot of attention to it. Human nature is such that we want to be loved and respected. But is it worth it to constantly look back at everyone? The main thing that is worth remembering is not to worry about what others think and to hammer your head with thoughts about it. Nobody says that you need to score for everything and do what you like. Listen to the opinion of people important to you, think it over, and only then decide what to do. After all, your family is also not always right. If you still can not get rid of the oppression of public opinion and censure, then let's develop a mindset that will help get rid of this.
People do not pay attention to you as often as you think
The people around you, for the most part, are passionate about their affairs and concerns. They have their own life, which excites them much more than yours. If your interests and views intersect in any area, then this does not happen as often as you think. Just think, do you often pay attention to what others are wearing? Is their shirt soiled? Did a passing girl have a pantyhose? I bet you either don’t think about it at all, or spend no more than a couple of minutes on it. So those around do the same.
It should not bother you
What others think of you is only their business. This should not concern you in any way. Even if you learn someone’s opinion of yourself, it still won’t make you another person and will not change your life, in most cases. The opinions of others will only be able to affect you when you allow this opinion to be decisive in your life. But this should not happen. You cannot control the opinions of others, so do not pay so much attention to it and focus on yourself.
You are unique like no other
Remember this once and for all. Do not adjust to those around you. As soon as you let this house of advice into your head, you cease to be yourself. Only around you there are many people, and you are alone. You won’t be nice to everyone. And, in the pursuit of society, you will give rise to Frankenstein, who at least a little, but everyone likes.
Instead, just be yourself and remember that you are the only one in the world. You can’t find the exact same thing. Treasure your uniqueness. Respect yourself. Then others will begin to respect you.
Why are you listening to them anyway
Will your life change dramatically if someone disagrees with you or says that you are saying something wrong? Are you ready to change every time someone says that you are doing everything wrong? I think no. The next time you become very sensitive to the opinions of others, just think about whether it will be just as important in a week. If the remark in your direction will excite you no more than an hour, then all this is empty.
You are clearly not a telepath
If you do not have any superpowers and the magic ball does not show you anything, then you hardly know what people think about. If you are an ordinary person, then how do you know what is happening in the head of others? The only problem is that you think that all the thoughts of the people around you are fixated only on you. Selfish and smacks of something unhealthy, don't you think? Do not worry about the opinions of others until you have learned to read their thoughts.
Be honest with yourself and live real
It depends only on you how you will feel every day. Do you want to experience constant fear and excitement from the thought that society will not approve of your action? Stop thinking about it. Do not worry that someone in the past made a remark to you or that people will think badly of you. Live here and now and don’t look around. Breathe deeply and do not forget that only you are responsible for your thoughts and actions. Only in this way can you be happy. Only in this way you will understand that each person has his own opinion and only you can choose whether it will affect you or not.
Surround yourself with people who will receive you
It’s just great when you have friends who agree with you and support you in any undertaking, even if your relatives are against it. Remember that to maintain physical and spiritual health, you must choose: either abandon the dream on the advice of others, or surround yourself with people who can inspire you to find your path.
Others are also concerned about public opinion.
You are not paranoid and you are not the only one. People around you also care about what they think. So the next time someone starts criticizing you, you put yourself in his place. Perhaps you did what this person had long dreamed of and did not dare to do. And now they just want to return you from heaven to earth. Remember this, and then it will become easier for you to bear criticism and understand the motives of the actions of others.
Just be yourself. Be honest with yourself and admit that you are surrounded by the same people as you. They also have problems, they also care about criticism, they are also not perfect. There are no perfect people who never make mistakes. It’s just that someone, having stumbled, stops for life, and someone, having stepped over his mistake, follows his dream. Let public opinion not become a stopper in your development, and you will still show this world where the crayfish hibernate.
Are you dependent on the opinions of others?
We always worry what others will think about us, since this is directly related to our perception of ourselves as a person. Someone else's opinion really affects us in various situations, whether it is giving up alcohol during a party or the decision to work on ourselves and become more confident.
Often our choice - for example, the choice of work, the choice of the second half - and our actions are limited due to fear of condemnation and criticism from other people. This phenomenon is a serious problem for many of us. Therefore, in this article we will consider effective ways, how to ignore what others think.
Why do we pay attention to other people's opinions
Sometimes useful pay attention to the opinions of others. The part of our consciousness that is afraid of condemnation often protects us from evil deeds. If we didn’t care about those around us, we could, for example, run naked across the shops. Agree, this is a very useful protective function of our consciousness.
The reason we pay attention to the opinions of others- this is that our perception of ourselves is based on good or bad judgments of other people about us.
Since we think that part of our personality is how others see us (funny, “cool”, self-confident, shy), we seek to protect this component so that our personality does not suffer.
However, your personality is not what others think of you, it is ... it's just you. And if you do something that makes you feel guilty, then you should pay attention to it.
Stop paying attention to what other people think.
Hardly possible at all stop paying attention to the opinions of others. It is also unlikely that their opinion brings only harm. We are social beings, and the reaction of others to our actions (for example, if we behave very stupidly) helps to understand that we could behave more correctly.
But the problem of excessive anxiety and dependence on the opinions of others remains relevant for thousands of people. Having solved this problem, many of us would have removed all those restrictions that really are obstacles to a full, interesting life.
Imagine how the world would change if we all could start to do those things that we really want to do, become the people that we want to become, and live the way we want to live. Imagine how the world would change if we all could participate in its creation ... and this is actually the purpose of existence.
The question arises: how not to depend on the opinions of others?
So, let’s get down to action ..
How to learn not to pay attention to the opinions of others?
1. Stop making up problems
If your every action is accompanied by thoughts " what will others think?", then you know: you are not the navel of the Earth, at least for those around you. Most likely, in most cases you think that people condemn you, although in reality they don’t care. You yourself do not make a detailed opinion about each person you meet man, right?
The best way to check this out is to try to go a little beyond the ordinary and do something not quite typical for you, and see how other people will react. Most likely, only your friends and acquaintances will pay attention to your actions and comment to outsiders, it will not matter to outsiders.
2. Look at the situation in perspective
To people who never think what others will say about them, such a problem may seem strange or far-fetched. The fact is that as soon as you begin to carefully consider such "problems", you immediately understand that they are not worth such attention.
We only live once, and are you ready to let other people's thoughts ruin your life?
That would be stupid, right?
Along with the fact that life is one and too short to worry about such things, there is another reason. ignore other people's opinions: their views change over time.
Suppose at some point in time people mock you for wearing yellow sneakers. You decide - this was the last time they were put on, and you will never wear them again. But what if the opinion of the person who laughed at you changes and he starts wearing yellow shoes? Will you wear your sneakers again?
Or another example of dependence on someone else's opinion: a high school student was bullied because of his long hair, but after six months the haircut fashion changed and many guys in the class (including those who mocked him) grew long hair themselves.
People change their minds and what they think of you at the moment may not matter in the future. You are not going to wait until the fashion changes so that only people can consider you modern and cool? We hope that such examples will help you understand the situation and look at everything in the future. You must not depend on the opinions of others!
3. Be confident in yourself
It seems that we are in almost any situation the attitude of others is not indifferent. So how not to depend on the opinions of others? Perhaps it is worth trying to reduce those cases when we think about condemnation from the outside? It is quite possible. The point is simply to be more confident in your decisions and actions. 
Have you ever seen a person who, for example, dressed somehow strangely or didn’t behave like everyone else, and who would have been normally perceived and not condemned?
If you put on the yellow shoes and you feel embarrassed in them, then people will understand this and choose you as an object for ridicule - because they feel your awkwardness and, most likely, they will want to assert themselves in this way at your expense.
However, if you proudly and confidently walk around in these boots, completely ignoring the comments of other people, then you will see that most people (if not all) do not even think about mocking you. Thus, your dependence on other people's opinions will be minimal.
4. Learn to hold back your feelings
As soon as you begin to overcome the constraints that bind you, or just try become more confidentundoubtedly - you will immediately begin to be overcome by a variety of feelings, ranging from stress, anxiety and fear, right up to relief and joy. This condition may look like a real rollercoaster; here it is very important to be able to cope with such an influx of emotions.
Here are simple steps to help you with this:
Be aware of exactly what feeling you are currently experiencing - for example, fear or anxiety
Watch your emotions
Please note that since you are watching your emotions, they are no longer part of yourself.
Watch these emotions fade away
As soon as you can observe your emotions and feelings, you can separate yourself from them, then it will be easier for you to cope with them. And you will learn to ignore the opinions of others.
5. Accept yourself as you are
If you constantly condemn yourself, then you will undoubtedly think that others are also far from having a better opinion of you. Often the main reason for this is self-created beliefs that something is wrong with you. Accepting yourself is not so simple, but it really helps to solve the problem.
First of all, think about what you don't like about yourself, and write it down on paper point by point. Now, look at these points, and think about whether any of them can be changed. For example, if you are thin and you do not like it, think about ways to recover and gain weight. However, if you would like to be taller, you cannot change it. In such cases, think about what could be worse. So, if your height is 170 cm and you do not like it, think about how you would feel if your height was two meters or even 150 cm. Your height may not be ideal, but there are people with more “imperfect” growth .
But such things only help for a while, if you constantly seek out shortcomings from others or think about what else to change in yourself, then it will be very difficult for you accept yourself as you are.
Over time, you will begin to realize how insignificant things are that you used to worry about so much, you will start to relate to everything easier and stop worrying about nothing.
What next?
Best way cope with addiction - this is to try to change your mindset and focus on various (more important) areas of your own life, rather than constantly worrying about what others will think about you. Life is too short to waste time on empty experiences.
It is very important to remember that these are just words. People may not want to offend you, but they do it only because you yourself allow them to do it. Roughly speaking, you yourself are to blame for your problems of this kind. Someone uses this as a psychological method of pressure, and someone doesn’t intentionally, but absolutely by accident, makes you think that something is wrong with you. This leads to stress depression , a decrease in confidence and many other serious consequences.
Golden mean
It is very important not to turn from a person who is sensitive and emotional into an insensitive robot. Which do not care about everything and everyone around. You need to find a middle ground. It is possible that the ability to properly filter incoming sounds from outside will be beneficial to you. Psychologists advise first to analyze any flows of information, and only then divide them into negative and positive. This is the best way to see the truth and emotions at the same time.
This does not always work with people's opinions, because often people specifically want to hurt us. Emotions work in the conversation, which we are not always able to restrain. Here already such a principle works less often.
Ways to protect against the opinions of others
There are very useful tips from psychologists that should be used in any situation.
Tip one: become more confident in yourself. Until you know what you are and who you are or such, you will be ruled by all and sundry. As long as you experience problems with self-esteem, any even the smallest comments will cause you great discomfort. How to become more confident is another question. But in a nutshell this can be described in three ways: sports, hobbies, good habits . These are the three pillars of self-confidence that will allow you to transform your life and your inner world. When you are stronger in body and spirit, it will be much more difficult to break through the defense.
Tip two: stop communicating with those who annoy you. The best way to deal with a problem is to prevent the problem from appearing. This is the case with a conflict that did not exist. You do not need to check yourself for strength constantly next to those who feed on your energy, your juices. The fact is that there are people who always communicate normally, without negativity and comments, because of which you then suffer.
Tip three: remember the role of each person in your life. If a person is your authority in something, then you should trust his opinion. If you do not know this person well enough, then it is better not to think of his or her words as truth. Remember that everyone has their own motives. You need to be able to divide people into those who are honest with you and those who do not know how to be at all.
Do not be afraid to seem imperfect to people. There are no perfect people. Someone is still somewhat complete ignoramus, so criticism may be appropriate, but not always. You can admit your weakness in something, but in your favorite business you should not have doubts about your superiority.
Every day, someone criticizes us, tries to hurt or just expresses an opinion that should not worry us. Nevertheless, it excites us. You need to learn to say “no” to people, and also to be objective in relation to yourself. Lower a little your self-esteem if you don’t care at all about the words of other people. Raise it by any means, if you are easily shocked by any small remark. Good luck and don’t forget to click on the buttons and
