Age of consent: how to protect a teenager from sexual abuse.
Ecology of life. Children: The period of adaptation of a child in a new team is an exam for the whole family. This is a test for the correctness and effectiveness of the chosen model of education ...
Many parents, moving to a new place of residence, giving their child to school, are worried whether other children will have a bad influence on him. Indeed, in order to become part of a group, he needs to adapt to the rules and standards of existence of this small community.
In adolescence, the opinion of peers becomes very important, competing with an authoritative parent or even relegating it to the background.
Seeking the approval of friends, the child can afford to disobey loved ones, and in some cases, and to nabrut. So he tries himself in the role of independent and independent. These experiments with freedom are dangerous because a teenager can succumb to persuasion to do something that he previously consciously condemned: to smoke a cigarette, drink an alcoholic drink, try drugs, commit theft, robbery.
Such a disaster is not inevitable. If at that time the child has developed sufficiently strong beliefs about “what is good and what is bad”, he will find ways to withstand even very strong pressure from peers, he will be able to maintain distance and stay away from those who are trying to draw him into serious trouble.
Those children who felt like outcasts in the former company and even in the parental home are at risk.
If a child is punished by physical violence, insult, humiliation, do not reckon with his opinion, do not give the opportunity to make decisions on his own, he feels himself a third-class person. He is getting used to being led. Therefore, it is easily amenable to both good and bad influence. In the street company he was assigned the role of the “six”, he was manipulated in his own interests by the ringleaders. But they don’t criticize here, they accept him as he is.
Parents are not able to control every step of their growing child. This is impossible neither physically nor psychologically. There is only one way out: by the age of 10-11, one must have time to form his concepts of right and wrong, to cultivate the ability to establish personal boundaries and keep them. In this case, the adolescent becomes in the habit of developing his own opinion and trusting him, making important decisions on his own and not succumb to temptations. Becoming self-sufficient, he is not afraid to oppose himself to the gop company, leaving aside.
If your child is ignored, it does not pass without a trace. He is worried, because in his teens, communication with peers is very important.
It is reasonable to combine the recommendations of the psychologist and illustrative examples from fiction, film and television films. And your own experience can be invaluable.The main thing is to avoid maxim like "I would be in your place ...".
A middle ground must be found between non-judgmental education and authoritarian leadership. The authority of parents, no doubt, has a place to be. But, oppressive and peremptory, it limits individual freedom, and based on mutual respect, mutual recognition of natural subordination, on the contrary, forms the correct idea of \u200b\u200bfreedom and self-restriction in case of danger.
Therefore, even knowing the correct answer to solving the problem, do not rush with it. You should not risk being misunderstood in your anxiety. We must carefully weigh the severity of the moment and the responsibility for the next steps before the child hears your words.
The period of adaptation of the child in the new team is an exam for the whole family. This is a test of the correctness and effectiveness of the chosen model of education, the effectiveness of the scale of moral values \u200b\u200badopted in your family.published
A teenager’s tendency to lie to his parents increases his likelihood of early drinking. Without the necessary information, adults cannot prevent harmful practices. But excessive control in this situation is not an option, it only exacerbates the problem. The child’s openness and, as a consequence, a lower risk of acquiring an alcohol habit is the result of good trusting relationships with parents, the results of a joint study by scientists from New York University and the Higher School of Economics confirmed.
Vicious circle: distrust - falsehood - alcohol
A teenager’s habit of lying to adults is associated with a risk of drinking alcohol. If a child systematically misleads his parents about what he does outside the home, then it is possible that he will become a habit of drinking. At the same time, parents may be unable to change the situation, since the child has already mastered the skill of lying and has learned to hide “unwanted” information from adults.
What teenage "secrecy" says
The scientific literature describes several teenage parenting strategies:
- full disclosure of information;
- partial disclosure;
- disclosure only after a question is asked;
- information hiding;
- lying.
Researchers divide these strategies into two large groups: disclosure strategies and secrets and concealment strategies. The first group is associated with positive aspects of parent-child relationships - such as trust and a sense of connectedness, and the second with negative perceptions of parental control. At the same time, both the low level of information disclosure and the high level of "secrecy", according to scientific data, can "signal" the likelihood of an antisocial behavior of a teenager.
A direct relationship between teenage lies and early involvement in alcohol showed the results of a longitudinal study of American and Russian scientists. The study used the American sample - over 4 thousand schoolchildren aged 16-17 years, as well as their mothers. Respondents were guaranteed complete anonymity. The children wrote down the answers themselves, listening to the questions in the audio recording. Scientists recorded sociodemogarphic parameters, the nature of parent-child relationships (as far as openness, warmth and trust are present in them), as well as the practice of lying and hiding information, if any. A separate block of questions for adolescents was devoted to the topic of alcohol intake. Those adolescents who admitted to lying to adults were more likely to drink or be addicted to alcohol in the future than those who were honest with their parents.
Directly adolescent tendency to lie on average by 16% reduced the awareness of parents about what is happening in the lives of their children. This awareness, in turn, reduced the likelihood of alcohol consumption by high school students by 16%. In addition, lying further increased the future propensity to drink another 5%, regardless of parental awareness.
Studies show that parental alcohol practices have a significant impact on the development of appropriate adolescent habits. The social, educational, and financial status of the family has a different effect on the alcoholization of youth. So in many European countries less educated sections of the population, for example, those without higher education, are more prone to problem alcoholization, and therefore to the transfer of such practices to children. In this study, the level of education and family income did not have a significant effect on adolescent alcohol trends.
The inverse effect of supercontrol
This is the first work in which the nature of the relationship between teenage lies and drinking habits was investigated. In previous works, more attention was paid to the role of parental control in the prevention of child alcoholism. The results also confirmed that the adolescent tendency to lie to adults and the risk of alcohol consumption are less if the family has warm and trusting parent-child relationships.
Teenagers tell more to those parents whom they perceive as loving and supportive. The child’s satisfaction with family relationships reduces both the likelihood of lying and the likelihood of a drinking habit.
If there are friends in the company of a teenager who drink alcohol, this also increases the likelihood of lying to parents. However, this effect is more characteristic of boys.
But parental supercontrol is ineffective in preventing bad habits in adolescent children, and, moreover, may have the opposite effect. Young people tend to lie to overly controlling parents. Adolescence is the age at which in our societies a child has to actively develop autonomy skills in himself, says Victor Kaplun. In the absence of a trusting relationship between parents and adolescent, lying can be a way to gain autonomy from adults. And, in fact, the use of alcohol can also express a desire for autonomy and "adulthood."
Scientists indicate that the results of the study may be useful in preventing the use of alcohol by young people.
Each kid, passing into this beautiful world, does not carry a bad intention. But why, then, does your child, at eight, ten, thirteen, fifteen years old, suddenly make new friends that adults have never heard of? Why do these new friends instantly become closer and more necessary for the baby than parents? Why does the baby, on every occasion, eat to run away from home to these Denis, Marinas, and Petam?
Teachers say that it is not uncommon for a teenager to make friends with that child who owns unusual traits of character. In other words, a shy, sandwiched and insecure daughter walks on the heels of the one who, in her 14 years, passed water and fire. And the fearful kid begins to be friends with a desperate and brave, silent - with a talker, obedient and quiet with a bully. Naturally, adults, having learned about such friendship, begin to worry: will they not manipulate their baby, use for their own purposes? Will he turn from tikhoni into a hard-to-manage teenager?
Ways to resolve the problem - how to protect your child from bad company
It’s a pity, but many parents make the same mistake in such situations: they strictly forbid the teenager to be friends and play with specific children. What do you think, in this way you can achieve results? Maybe in some situations it is possible - if your child’s authority is higher than the authority of a school or yard informal leader. But, it’s not uncommon for children to start doing things in spite, especially in. Their contradictions rule them. Often the baby just stops telling you. Where about was. What have you been doing. You become little informed; do you need it? “Secret”, “shadow” friendship is very suspicious, it smells of interesting adventures. And which kid will refuse fun adventures and the opportunity to lead a shadow life? It can be very difficult to distract a teenager, tear him away from friends in such a situation.
A simpler and more effective way is to allow the baby to be friends with all friends. Do it from the heart, no matter how hard it is. You can’t be biased towards new friends: what if he was only at first so conflicted, uncontrollable, ruffy, but in fact - a wonderful person whose character traits really complement the character traits of your teenager? Look at these friends with different eyes and try to find something good and attractive in them, because your teenager saw something in them. And if, indeed, teenage criminals came to visit, do not worry and do not drive them out if you have already let them in. Explain your teenager the right decision. There is one important point that can reassure you: it’s not uncommon, childhood friendships are fleeting. After winter or summer holidays, children find other friends, but they may not even remember old ones. Wait a while - maybe the situation itself will "resolve".
"Switching interests"
Maybe your teenager doesn’t have enough hobbies in life, and there, in the company, they offer him mutual assistance, “friendship to the grave,” risky adventures. Some children try to ride in electric trains and buses with hares, driving far from home. Of course, this is interesting! Some people like to sing with a guitar, bake potatoes, sit on a vacant lot in front of a bonfire. It’s scary to others to ride motorbikes - you cannot be a wimp! Opportunities to get a sharp feeling and self-affirm - mass.
Try to find an activity for the teenager that could fully satisfy the craving for interesting adventures. After all, you have as many opportunities as in others! There are sports sections - not only volleyball and football, but also karts, karate, boxing. It is better for the child to climb the rocks under the supervision of an instructor, and jump with a parachute than to disappear, it is not known where and with whom. There are also clubs in which speleology, archeology, mountaineering and hiking are involved, they look for traces of ruined cities, go down to caves, and want to go camping ... Romance? Risk? Yes it is - but it is an organized adventure!
What about scouts? After all, your teenager will definitely appreciate the loyalty and brotherhood of scouts - and this will be your victory. In other words, poke your own mind, find out what circles and sections exist in your city - and go! Do not worry if it does not work out the first time. After all, maybe your kid does not like to climb mountains, but is more attracted to competitions in the pool or scuba diving. Not infrequently, he himself does not know what he really wants - in this situation, help him choose the type of entertainment.
What if the teenager is already in bad company?
It is bad if a bad company dragged the child into their nets. There are many situations when a group crime is committed by children from wealthy families, and it is difficult for them to explain why they did this. “The effect of the crowd”, “herd instinct” - such concepts were invented by experienced psychologists to this phenomenon. This is a powerful force that is difficult to resist. If a similar situation has occurred, the task of adults is to find the reason. It is not uncommon for such a company to turn out to be a teenager who feels like an outcast, an outcast - they despise the class, do not understand at home ... What else can he do? Just make friends in spite of everyone with different hooligans: be surprised and envy!
Try to probe the soil: is the teenager really comfortable with such friends, or is he doing it to spite everyone. Probably, he himself is not very pleased with the situation in which he found himself? But she’s afraid to ask for your help. In such a situation, you need to let him know that you will not punish him and scold him - no matter what happens. The child must be sure that his parents will understand him and accept anyone.
If your home does not have parental trust, then adult prohibitions can play an unfavorable role - pushing a teenager to someone whom he can trust more. Therefore, the best way to protect a teenager from bad friends and unwanted communication is through friendly and trusting relationships in the family. Such a relationship should begin with the birth of the baby. But, and if you are late - it has never been too late to rectify the situation, put your relationship on the right track. You can make friends with a child even when they are adults - of course, this will not be such a friendship.
Harmful habits acquired during adolescence often have to be eradicated throughout adulthood. What preventive measures can parents take who want to protect their children from dependence? And how to help those who have already succumbed to temptation?
Practice shows that we acquire the majority of bad habits, which are difficult to get rid of for many years, in adolescence. The editorial office of Rambler: Families turned to experts with questions: why do teenagers begin to drink alcohol and smoke cigarettes, how to protect their son or daughter from acquiring illegal substances, and is it possible to deal with an existing addiction?
Why they do it
Teenagers are fearless experimenters. The thirst to try new is due to young age, when everything is interesting and you want to "taste" the world around us, opening new horizons. Today, your offspring learns to ride a scooter with enthusiasm, enrolls in cutting and sewing courses tomorrow, and in between these good activities he tries the bad ones - he drinks the first glass of martini or smokes a cigarette.
“Adolescence is one of the most difficult stages in a person’s life, which, according to psychologists, lasts from about 11 years old to 21 years old (girls usually grow up earlier than boys). The child begins to separate from his parents, learns to make his own decisions that may contradict his mother's and father's, tries to feel independent. At this age, teens are most exposed to peer influence and seek to show the world their independence, ”commented Olga Kuznetsova, a psychologist at the Clinical Hospital at Yauza.
According to the expert, teenagers start smoking and drinking alcohol for various reasons: some in this way try to prove to parents that they are adults, others with the help of "adult" attributes solve the problem of self-doubt, and still others start to do it for the company to seem "Cool" in their circle. However, in any case, adolescent bad habits are the first conscious rebellion of children against adults and against the system in which they have to exist.
Yulia Plyukhina, a psychotherapist at the K + 31 clinic, believes that all adolescents, to one degree or another, run the risk of becoming a bad habit.
“First of all, children from dysfunctional families are affected. Secondly, these are children who are inclined to leadership, active, but with an unstable psyche. Thirdly, these are children who depend on the opinions of others. And another type of children who are prone to bad habits is closed teenagers, philosophizing, who read a lot. As a rule, they try drugs out of curiosity, they are interested in new sensations, ”emphasizes Yulia Plyukhina.
Preventative measures
The disease is easier to prevent than to treat. This principle is guided by vigilant parents who arrange real surveillance for a teenager: collect a bag to school, monitor correspondence on social networks, meet after school, call on a mobile phone. Such control does not lead to anything good. Often, wanting to annoy an annoyed adult, a teenager tries to prick them in the most painful place, jump into a thorny bush, from which mom and dad so persistently tried to distract attention. How then to prevent trouble?
“In my opinion, no preventative measures exist. Cigarettes and alcohol are not the root causes, but rather the result of problems that the child cannot cope with. I would advise parents of smokers and drinkers to think about what is happening inside the family.
Ask yourself questions: why does a teenager want to show parents that he is independent of them and grow up ahead of time; why doesn’t he feel confident and why does he need “doping” to accept himself? ”- advises psychologist Olga Kuznetsova.
Psychotherapist Julia Plyukhina believes that it is still possible to protect a teenager from harmful temptations. Make sure your son or daughter has as little free time as possible in the yard or at the computer.
“The child should have busy leisure - sports, music, art school. For example, playing sports very well helps to develop motivation. The main thing is that the teenager should be interested. You also need to build a trusting relationship with the child.
The child will only listen to you if he believes in you. Children love eavesdropping, and adults can use this technique, discussing among themselves how drugs can destroy a person’s life.
It is necessary to tell how many worthy famous people lost their lives just because they used drugs, ”the expert says. - But do not focus on prohibitions, because this can cause the opposite effect and the child will have an obsessive desire.
If we talk about alcoholism and smoking, then our own example is very important. The family should have a culture of alcohol consumption. You can even make your child drink alcohol at home for the first time. For these purposes, choose something sour and tasteless. "
How to save a drowning man
If it was still not possible to save the teenager from trying the forbidden fruit, do not despair and in no case blame yourself for what happened. In this case, it is important to make a decision, as they say, with a cold head. A teenager, seeing your confidence, is more likely to listen to your arguments.
What in the behavior of a son or daughter should alert parents:
- At times, the teenager is drowsy or, conversely, extremely active (such behavior may indicate drug use);
- There is a sleep disturbance, sharp mood swings, irritability, up to unmotivated aggression;
- Dilated pupils;
- When smoking and drinking alcohol, a characteristic odor emanates from a teenager;
- Lethargy, shakiness of gait, vomiting (symptoms typical of alcohol intoxication).
“If you find out that your child started drinking or smoking, in no case do not scold him, do not scream, do not intimidate and do not make him repent of his deed, because apart from aggression and fear, it will not cause anything and only exacerbate the situation. Talk to him and try to understand the reason that encourages him to buy another pack of cigarettes.
Perhaps the child is thus trying to convey important information to you, but cannot correctly formulate it. Adult life at the same time beckons and scares away the teenager, and your task as a parent is to help him overcome this fear and grow up as a conscious, psychologically stable and happy person, ”advises psychologist Olga Kuznetsova.
The main thing is to make the child understand that you are ready to help him and go this difficult way with him. But if the situation repeats, then you will treat this as an informed choice and you will not be able to help more, says the psychotherapist Yulia Plyukhina.
“In England, a person is treated for the first time for drug addiction or alcoholism, but he understands that if he starts to use drugs again, then relatives of the second chance will not give him. Therefore, they have only three narcologists throughout the country.
In our country, addiction becomes a disease of the whole family, relatives often devote their lives to fighting, not realizing that it only enhances addiction and motivates to continue to use alcohol and drugs, as the patient is sure that relatives will help him, he does not feel fear for his health, does not think about the future.
But you need to understand that each subsequent treatment becomes less effective. And in order to fully realize your problem, you should be left face to face with it, to understand that your life depends only on you, ”summarizes Yulia Plyukhina.
Walk sometime in the summer on city streets. You will meet many companies of teenagers aged 10-14 who smoke, drink strong alcohol, swear and want to show everyone what they are adults. And this is far from the worst version of the bad company your child might fall into. How to protect him from such "friends" and is it necessary to do this?
Prevention is better than cure
If you live in a not-so-prosperous sleeping area, famous for its "magnificent" criminal environment and an abundance of gopniks, then you need to make sure that your child does not get into a bad company in the future, even in preschool or primary school age. Remember that prevention is much better and more profitable than treatment, and instead of solving problems, it’s better not to create them.
It is advisable at the age of 6-8, while the child is still obeying his parents, to create all the conditions so that in adolescence he finds himself in a favorable environment for like-minded people to develop his individual abilities, and not in the company of "bad guys." This is not so difficult to do.
Serious passion is the best cure for a bad company
To do this, you need to help him find a serious hobby, providing the opportunity to test all kinds of sections, circles, development centers, etc. It is for this, and not for empty pastime, petty hooliganism and premature alcohol-nicotine experiments, that a person is given childhood and youth - to find his talent and his destiny in life. Then such an opportunity, most likely, will no longer be.
If a child begins to seriously engage in sports, music, any kind of art or intellectual activity and communicate with like-minded people, then his chances of contacting a bad company will be minimal. Naturally, he must choose the most attractive hobby for himself.
For boys, sports are an ideal prevention option from bad companies and many adolescent problems. Perhaps he will not become a champion, but at least he will gain good health, a lot of life-saving skills, and will not hang out on the streets with teenagers who start drinking alcohol, smoking and “toxicomania” at 10-12 years old. Training, competitions, training camps and other components of sports life do not leave time for cigarette-alcohol entertainment and other teenage nonsense.
The more unfavorable the area in which you live, the faster you need to send the boy to the sports section when he reaches the appropriate age, so that he can, if anything, give a good rebuff to local hooligans, or at least easily run away from them .
Surely, in your area there is some kind of sports complex, fitness center, swimming pool, stadium, sections of football, martial arts, etc. Invite your boy at the age of 6-7 to try his hand at several sports. Let him choose one of them that he will like the most (he does not need to impose his sports tastes). “For the soul” you can record it in some kind of music and vocal club, in English courses, etc. Or maybe he wants to learn to play the guitar, synthesizer or other musical instrument on his own or with the help of a home teacher - financially support this hobby.
If a teenager is actively involved in sports, music or something else worthy, then he simply will not have time for bad companies and he will communicate with enthusiastic, positive peers, and not with "bad guys."
The same applies to girls. Only, perhaps, they need to find more feminine hobbies (although there are many “female” sports, and girls can achieve no less success in the sports field than boys).
As a rule, those parents who spent their childhood and adolescence, studying in all kinds of sections and circles, try to timely "attach" their child somewhere. They know how important this is so that the child avoids the evil influence of the “street”. Parents who did not do anything similar at school age are not always in a hurry to do this (although sometimes it happens the other way around) and when their child turns into a teenager, they often get the corresponding “fruits”.
What can result in getting into a bad company
If, nevertheless, the parents did not take care of finding a suitable hobby for their child, or he himself was too infantile to do something seriously, then with the onset of adolescence, when the child is most exposed to peer influence, you need to be on your guard, especially if you live in a not very prosperous area.
In the worst case scenario, everything may end in crime and sent to a juvenile colony. In not the worst, but also very bad option - the early acquisition of bad habits and promiscuous sex at the age of 13-14. There are no “best” options when a teenager gets into a bad company (otherwise it will no longer be a bad company).
Someone says that in such a company, a teenager can learn to defend his opinion and not pay attention to provocations. Believe me, there are plenty of other, more acceptable options for educating such qualities, and you can develop them not only in the company of juvenile idiots.
Who is most affected by the negative influence of the "street"
Adolescents who do not find a common language with their parents and who are unoccupied in various sections and circles spend most of their free time on the street most affected by the negative influence of the street.
If they do not know how to defend their opinions, are not too well socialized, and do not differ in their independence of thinking, then they are unlikely to be able to resist the suggestions of their peers to go drink, smoke (and not always tobacco), misbehave and “criminalize”. It does not always always end in disastrous condition, but the likelihood of getting a lot of trouble in a teenager falling into such an environment increases significantly.
When it becomes especially dangerous
If the teenager who comes home starts to smell like alcohol and tobacco - this is very bad, but there are worse things. If he finds any incomprehensible, obviously not his own things, electronic devices and equipment, for which he definitely does not have money, or if he unexpectedly often began to ask for considerable amounts of money, then it's time to talk heart to heart. We need to find out where all this wealth came from, and for what purposes he needs money.
If the teenager does not say anything, and you have suspicions that he was in the midst of juvenile delinquents, and this was confirmed by a drive to the police, some urgent measures must be taken.
Ideally, you should move to another area, to another city, to another country with a more favorable atmosphere and “normal” young people. Believe me, there are many places on planet Earth where friendly and peaceful people live, and where your child will never have “dangerous” friends.
If this is not possible, you need to take some "internal" emergency measures, trying to reorient the child to a more positive lifestyle.
What should not be done
Of course, it is not necessary to completely isolate a child who has come under the influence of "bad guys" from the outside world. It is advisable that he himself understand that such a “friendship” will not end for him with anything good, and will not give him any positive prospects in the future, and independently leave the vicious circle of communication.
If it’s not too late, it makes sense to attach the child to some section or circle in accordance with his interests (something, after all, he is interested in this life!), Where he will communicate with normal children, and not with which something young "scumbags." The main thing is to find mutual understanding and contact with a teenager during this extremely difficult period for him and his parents.
It must be remembered that the forbidden fruit itself is sweet, and especially in adolescence. Therefore, prohibitions will not help here. The teenager must understand everything himself and make the right choice.
Show what is a sign of "adulthood"
If a teenager started smoking and drinking alcohol at the age of 10-12, you should not resort to punishment and physical abuse. So it is impossible to bring up a full-fledged, self-confident personality. It’s better to prove to him that this is not an indicator of “adulthood” at all, since teenagers start smoking and drinking alcohol just to show what kind of adults they are.
Explain to him that a truly adult person always makes decisions independently and is not subject to herd instinct, because of which, as a rule, teenagers begin to smoke and “alcohol”. Not succumbing to the pressure of others and behavioral stereotypes, always have their own opinion, and not imposed from outside, - this is real courage and “adulthood”, and not the acquisition of a set of typical bad habits in adolescence to be “like everyone else”. Of course, in order to show the teenager how harmful all this is, you yourself should not smoke, do not get involved in alcohol and actively engage in physical education and sports.
To make your anti-alcohol and anti-smoking “lectures” more visible, you can visit with a teenager an exhibition of alcoholized internal organs of smokers and alcoholics (such exhibitions are held in many cities). In order to show the terrible state of the lungs of a smoker and the liver of an alcoholic at such exhibitions, they can be compared with exhibits of similar internal organs of healthy people. Let the teenager think about what he turns his body into with every puff and every glass of vodka.
Maybe it's not that bad
If your teenager spends a lot of time on the street, and you are haunted by the thought of how he would not get involved in a bad company, instead of prohibiting something, invite his friends to visit, and try to find something in them then positive.
Maybe it's not as bad as it seems. Teenagers can be somewhat rude, have bad habits, but at the same time, for example, get involved or engage in rock music, electronic music, computers, website development, etc. You can also learn something useful from such friends, although, of course, you need to protect your health from a young age and get rid of bad habits as quickly as possible.
