The dark triad. About the daughters of daffodil mothers
To begin with, the family is as if conceived so that people can be safe, calm and contented there. Family members, according to the idea of \u200b\u200bnature, should support each other to varying degrees.
There, of course, there are their own alpha and gamma individuals, which get family resources in different ways, but still everyone gets it. And all alpha and gamma are held together by dopamine, oxytacin and a number of other hormones (well, let’s concentrate on dopamine, since we are mainly talking about it). And dopamine is released to all members of the group because life in the family, from the point of view of survival of the species, is more successful.
Now it is no longer necessary to pile up due to the fact that it is easier to fill up the cave bear with a bunch and stone the mammoth. However, nobody is forbidden to use natural dopamine gifts in the presence of relatives. There is only one misfortune. Relationships in the family are often so complex that there is something to relax and enjoy. Sometimes, even for a second you can’t doze off so as not to grab an adrenaline knockout.
Cases and sources of knockout are different, but, quite often, daughters receive knockouts from their narcissistic mothers. This problem, in fact, is quite widespread, because we have in stock daffodils for many years.
Moreover, narcissistic parents, as a rule, are not able to raise an adequate child due to their characteristics. Those. create the conditions for the offspring to develop into an independent self-sufficient person, they cannot.
Both sons and daughters inherit narcissistic mothers, but the latter are more, because the mother sees her daughter as a competitor in many areas. I’ll explain why.
In general, initially, the future narcissistic mother plans that her child will be the best and he will have all the best. This is not that the dreams of every young woman who pretends to be the mother, she is 100% confident, flavored with arrogance.
Those. the basic idea of \u200b\u200bthe existence of the child is not the child and motherhood itself, but a way of protecting one’s unstable self. From the very beginning, a child is not generally regarded as a person. This is either part of the daffodil, or part of the decor. From this, the attitude towards the child is appropriate.
I will explain clearly. Can I love my right ear? Of course. Moreover, you can sincerely admire your ear. But imagine that your ear suddenly does not want to go shopping with you or wants to have its own friends. What's this? This is some kind of schizophrenia. Somehow you have to fight the ear! Somehow it needs to be treated or acted upon. Imagine your ear may want to live separately! How are you without an ear. Not that you will miss him. But somehow uncomfortable and unusual. And generally speaking. Do you wear earrings one by one?
Can I love a nightstand in the corner of the room? Of course, and yet, you can also admire her. But it is clear that the bedside table has completely narrow indications for use, and no one asks the bedside table where to stand, what paint to cover it with and what kind of junk to keep in its drawers. Negotiations with furniture and tolerance for its furniture needs is already that sickness.
Now the time has come, and the narcissistic mother decided to reveal a miracle, to shake the world with the birth of a beautiful child. The first time she hangs around somewhere in 4-5 months of pregnancy, when the latter begins to make itself felt in one way or another. In general, all sorts of unpleasant events such as childbirth, which can not be avoided, are waiting ahead.
You can, of course, talk about adopting a child or, there, surrogate motherhood, but, you understand that there the child will not be ideal. Maybe it’s bad genetics, or a bad influence (all of a sudden a surrogate mother gets sick with a thread) one cannot trust anyone here. Have an abortion or artificial birth?
It won’t work either. Firstly, the idea to hit the world is still present, and secondly, abortion and childbirth are also not a fountain, what a charm. There are many more personal things. As a result, somewhere in this period, narcissistic mothers suffer from doubts about whether to get rid of the baby, and as a result, they continue to squeak before pregnancy.
It is about this period that they subsequently add up ballads that tell the children “I didn’t have an abortion / artificial birth”, “if I hadn’t been with you at that time for 4 months”.
In general, the vast majority want only a son. Daughter on ultrasound is a blow below the waist. All that is needed is a son who will become president and ruler of the galaxy. No daughter, she is second grade. Women are not so readily elected as presidents, and even more so as lords of the galaxy.
Imagination immediately begins to draw to them that the daughter will be a bitch, a prostitute and a parasite, and her mother will only be tormented. Some get rid of a child of the wrong sex. Others already have negative feelings for their daughter. That is, the key point here is not that a woman wants a boy, but that she hates her daughter even before her birth and sees her own life failure in the fact of her existence.
Births in women are usually difficult. For psychological reasons. The very process of childbirth in them causes a sharp protest. It doesn’t matter whether it’s paid or not, with or without friends, the woman remains unhappy.
With a child, problems arise almost immediately. The baby is a living creature and, although dependent on the mother, still separate. The narcissistic mother does not understand and does not feel well the needs of the child.
Let us return to the example of an ear and a bedside table. If you are tired, it is assumed that the ear is tired too, if you want to eat, then the ear wants too. And imagine that your desires do not coincide with the ear. You want to eat and feed the ear, ear, sorry, vomits on you. Well, what about the bedside table!
Imagine that you did everything according to the instructions for caring for furniture, and the nightstand begins to make noise at night, and you find a bunch of bowel movements under it. Right on the expensive floor! The bedside table very persistently wants you to remove the bunch and then anoint it, the bedside table with oils, wrapped it in paper, sang to it and carried it on your hands! And so every day for a year, or even more!
Now you understand that if the daffodil can withstand all this, then he later recalls caring for the child as a personal feat. It was really not easy for mom daffodil. Sometimes, she manages to fuse a child at his most indigestible age with his grandparents. This is very good, because in all subsequent problems with the child will be chronically guilty.
If the grandparents do not burn out, then the child's mother is chronically annoying. If this is a daughter, then she is constantly in the eyes of her mother stupid, awkward, unfortunate, and a lot of all sorts of things that do not describe child imperfections.
If the mother does not distinguish between the boundaries between herself and the child, she constantly walks with her daughter, communicates with her children, solves all issues, buys clothes, toys, etc. What she likes, for it is clear that her daughter likes it. She may not like something else.
If there is a wall between the mother and daughter, then the mother can completely forget about the child. Do not celebrate birthdays, forget to buy her clothes, forget to pick up from school.
Both types can ignore the problems of the child. The first type is ignored because it does not understand that there is a problem (the mother does not have a problem, how can the child have a problem), the second type simply does not want to know what the problem is.
Accordingly, in adolescence, the first type continues to hang around the daughter everywhere, to interfere in her relationships and affairs. Any attempts by the girl to resolve something on her own are resolutely suppressed. Nobody would want the ear to live a separate life.
The second type, gives his daughter as much freedom as she wants, but severely punishes for deviations from the general line of the party + requires retribution for labor (I gave birth to you!).
In adulthood, the children of daffodil mothers continue to have a difficult relationship with their mother. A mother who knows no boundaries gives her in marriage and lives a family life with her and her husband. But only so that the daughter was not very happy. Relations with her husband are constantly swinging so that the daughter is next to her mother. Sometimes a mother even gets a divorce, if suddenly her husband is too self-confident person.
In the absence of contact, the mother eventually begins to simply use her daughter, as much as possible. If the daughter succeeds, the mother demands that the daughter share with her and even support her because she (the mother) did not have an abortion in the 5th month. But she could! So, daughter, come on, itchy.
If the daughter doesn’t have a very successful life position, her mother will regularly saw her for it. He will be willing to take what he can, for "with a black sheep at least a tuft of wool."
It is clear that the daughter will always be imperfect, for there is only one higher being - the mother herself. Those. the daughter initially has no chance to provoke some kind of recognition from her mother. Therefore, the daughter’s problems are nonsense. They are not interested in mother or are interested only in the sense that this is an admission that she, an unhappy woman, gave birth to a “complete fool”.
There is always an ideal on the side - a neighbor, a relative, another classmate who is a “wonderful girl”. There is a constant comparison with her, naturally not in favor of her child. Well, naturally, the mother constantly compares the successes of her offspring with herself.
But the mother is always better and more important, her problems are more relevant and significant, her interests are more important. If the daughter succeeds, the mother notices that in those same years she had only 100 times more (suitors, job offers, etc.). Or would have, if not for the gaddy child sitting on her neck.
Mamo always knows how to skillfully “lower” her daughter, if she suddenly starts thinking about herself too much. Sometimes direct insults, sometimes affectionate reproach or reminder. She does not cost anything to make a cute tactless remark of her daughter, which will put her at the level of a teenager or even 5 years old.
If a daughter begins to argue and tries to defend herself or finally send her mother to hell, she always knows how to make her daughter feel like a bastard. Each such mother knows the approach to her child. Therefore, all attempts to somehow resolve the conflict end in the fact that the child feels "a bad girl who upsets her mother." And sometimes it is also forced to ask for forgiveness.
As I said, a daughter, especially one whose life has been more or less successful, is often used as a source of income. Some mothers owe millions to their children, and this despite the fact that children are far from fattening. Money is spent on any crap, without an account and calculation.
In general, no one is going to return them initially, because the child should be by the grave of life. All attempts to somehow return the money are met with narcissistic fury, where the mother pompously talks about her merits and tramples the child into the mud.
If the child with repayment of debts is persistent, mother can hire and spread rumors about her daughter, hire bandits, call a psychiatric brigade, and file an application with the prosecutor's office. Well, you see, when a bedside table or ear raged and want to try your resources, then we must act decisively.
Do not think that the mother in this situation feels happy. She is as unhappy as her daughter. She can feel necessary and important only in the conditions created by her. Just a child from birth in her arms, like clay from which she sculpts a backup of her deformed personality. And since the child is still another creature that develops according to its own laws, the mother, in order not to collapse at all, is constantly required to correct her creation despite the protests of this creation.
So, a narcissistic mother, this is an eternal battle for her daughter. Which of course, does not bear any mental health and comfort. Those who have such a parent will have to work very hard in order to normalize their lives.
Here, first of all, it is necessary to begin with in order to form your personality in isolation from your mother. It should be borne in mind that mom will be terribly resistant, and it will also be difficult for you. The first step is to recognize that your childhood was spent next to such a person, digest it.
Discard undigested and leave only what really will fuel your life and personality. Yes, although childhood could be really terrible and traumatic, but still at least the overwhelming majority have positive crumbs. And this very material is needed to build your life.
If anyone recognizes himself, be careful about your motives for having children.
What does not need to be done with clients with narcissistic pathology? To frustrate them, because "Otvetka" arrives immediately.
Narcissistic clients react very sharply to the psychotherapist’s direct attempts to point out their destructive patterns when their ideal “I” image is debunked, as a result of which the therapist acquires a dominant, excellent position that can be perceived by the client as degrading. In such a situation, the narcissistic client begins to feel shame, which he does not want to admit, projecting it onto the therapist, and with shame comes a desire for revenge. This implies the desire of such a client to blame the therapist for all mortal sins (as I call it, to demonize): he is cruel, and the therapy is ineffective, and violates the boundaries, and God knows what else. The client begins to respond to the therapist as a parent (for example, he begins to see his frustrating mother in him) or an erotized transfer when he sees in the therapist, for example, as a former frustrating partner and seeks to merge or, conversely, to distance himself.
A narcissistic client had to face the trauma of rejection in childhood, then he had a retrauma in a love relationship. Therefore, the therapist should not continue this chain of retraumatization, but build a therapy aimed at developing his Self, while maintaining its own boundaries.
Let me give you an example from practice: a young woman of 33 years old in a depressed state came to see me, who could not get married, find a good job, and lived with her mother, enduring endless humiliation from her. The narcissistic pathology of the girl was combined with masochistic. She took the position of the victim, blaming herself for everything and not making any attempts to separate herself from her.
The mother also prevented her separation, devaluing her daughter from childhood, plainly saying that she was an inept loser who was sitting on her neck, and at the same time, kept her close to her, forming a relationship of co-dependence: as soon as the daughter told her mother that she had found a job with a higher salary or expressed thoughts that she wanted to move to a rented apartment, the mother immediately turned on her old “plate” of depreciation, saying that she would not succeed. Thus, the narcissistic mother, amusing her vanity, sucked out all her life resources from her daughter, turning her into a co-dependent, helpless creature.
At first, our relationship with this client, let's call her L., developed very well, while I was a supportive, approving psychologist for her. But when our relationship entered a stage of confrontation with the goal of “revealing” the client’s internal conflict, she developed strong resistance and suffered a maternal transfer, as a result of which she began to accuse me of violating her borders, pushing, in general, taking the charge position. When I voiced L. my thoughts regarding whether I understood correctly that she sees me as not quite suitable for myself as a psychologist, L. immediately refuted my assumptions, saying that she did not intend to change the psychologist and that she would be happy with everything I will adjust the strategy of psychotherapeutic work with it. As a result, we returned to supportive therapy and work with her Self.
Signs of a narcissistic mother:
Feeling of shame for her child, if she sees some flaws in it (illness, disobedience, poor academic performance, if they wanted a boy, and a girl was born if the child looks like an unloved husband or mother in law, etc.). Observing the imperfection of her child, she begins to feel inferior. A sense of shame breeds her anger;
Anger (Anger at a child can be caused both by the idea of \u200b\u200bits imperfection and by the fact that a narcissistic mother considers her child to be the culprit of her everyday hardships, for example, due to childbirth, her figure has deteriorated, stretch marks appeared on her skin, veins appeared, her chest sagged, or father left the family, leaving her to the mercy of fate). Therefore, another feature of such a mother ... (see paragraph 3)
The role of the victim and the child’s guilt;
Depreciation (such a mother does not seem to want to notice the merits of her child, and, whatever he achieved, cannot be appreciated by her);
Emotional distance and arrogance (a narcissistic mother very rarely maintains tactile and emotional contact with her child and very rarely addresses him by name - this is why it is also difficult for narcissistic victims to establish emotional contact with their loved ones and call them by name; to name a person by name is like touching to his soul and feel vulnerable);
Maintaining Symbiotic Communication (the narcissistic mother does not contribute to the separation of the child from herself, but, on the contrary, creates situations of merging, because if the child separates from her, becomes independent, or even more successful, she will lose control over him, and her Ego will not withstand such competition.
Here are some of the factors that characterize a narcissistic mother involved in raising a potential narcissus.
Growing up in a family with narcissistic parents, the child can acquire pronounced narcissistic character traits with a touch of sadism or masochism.
The masochistic narcissus will passively endure the mother’s attacks, fearing to repel them, and directing aggression mainly towards herself
Growing up, a sadistic narcissist begins to behave with her mother in the same way as she behaved with him, directing aggression to external objects
Narcissism is not the best manifestation of human nature, moreover, psychologists consider it a manifestation of a mental disorder with all the ensuing consequences. Unfortunately, even mothers, who, logically, should exalt their children, and not themselves, also suffer from this disease.
Narcissistic mothers love to feel their uniqueness, importance and grandeur, using their own children for self-affirmation. Find out the signs by which a mother suffering from narcissism can be recognized.
1. Everything is under control
Control and obedience are the main levers of pressure on children in power and narcissistic mothers. They skillfully manipulate their feelings, desires and life, without giving them the slightest chance of independence. They initially choose with whom the child is friends, what to eat, what to learn, how much to weigh, and other aspects of his personality. In the arsenal of tricks of such mothers - emotional blackmail and suggestion of guilt. The only true opinion is their opinion, and they use the child as weak-willed puppets.2. Everything according to plan
Narcissistic mothers get mad when something goes wrong as they conceived, imagined, and planned. Any deviation is akin to crime. Even if the cause of the problem lies in themselves, these women will not recognize this for anything. Everyone around, including those close to them, will fall under the hot hand. The guilty will be appointed and punished with severe maternal anger, and arguing, as a rule, is useless.3. The center of everything
Women suffering from narcissism consider themselves the center of the universe, and relatives and friends are the companions and planets of their galactic system, but they are no match for them. Such mothers exalt themselves above the household, doing them a favor by their presence in their lives. However, the opinions of others are incredibly important for such daffodils. They climb over and over to look perfect and impeccable. Such mothers preside in parent committees, their children should have the best costumes for New Year's parties, and they themselves should be the best mothers in the eyes of the public.
4. Remember everything
The vindication of such persons knows no limit. Even if a child did something in childhood that offended a narcissistic mother, she would remember him this whole conscious life. Sometimes resentment turns into open hatred! It is entirely possible that mothers who are embittered with anger can deprive their inheritance or curse their child, if for some reason she managed to disobey her mother, make the wrong decision that she expected from him or go against.5. Outperform All
Daffodil mothers tend to constantly compete with their children, especially with their daughters, who compete with them for youth and beauty. This indicates a low self-esteem and a tendency to depression. Children see that behind the mask of an ideal mother lies an insecure, embittered, restless person who is not able to bestow with love and care, sincerely surrender to his child. Such mothers rarely praise their children, using praise and love, like carrots for a horse. Feelings in their family are a bargaining chip, and children lack heat, which subsequently affects their adult life.
Narcissistic mothers do not want to let go of their children. They inspire them that they are addicted and helpless outside the home. But in reality, they are afraid to be alone, having lost control and influence on their only close people with whom they can feel ideal and significant.
In the eyes of strangers, daffodil parents are a courtesy itself and anyone will be enchanted in a couple of minutes. But houses are constantly terrorizing loved ones for not meeting their high expectations. Specialists in the field of narcissistic disorders Wendy Biheri and Craig Malkin talk about the consequences of this style of education and give advice to grown children.
Narcissistic personality disorder is recognized as a mental disorder. These people have a bloated sense of self-worth and base their identity on the praise and approval of others. Their close relationships are superficial and focus mainly on how they relate to them. By themselves, partners and friends are not interesting to them. Daffodils believe that they are better than others, but at the same time they feel a sense of shame when they are criticized or when they get into trouble.
The interests and desires of the narcissistic parent subjugate the life of the whole family
Less than one percent of the population can be considered “clinical” daffodils. From 2 to 16 percent of people who turn to psychotherapists at the insistence of partners or colleagues have symptoms of narcissistic disorder. Although symptoms may vary depending on many factors, Wendy Beheary and Craig Malkin believe that the identities of adult children raised by this type of adult have several common features.
1. It is difficult for you to declare yourself
The interests and desires of such a parent subjugate the life of the whole family. Because of this, children deliberately oppose themselves to others and try to defend their position at all costs. But more often they behave as if their needs do not matter. They allow others to ignore their desires and feelings, because they do not realize their needs and do not know how to express them.
“They’re not able to say,“ I insist, ”or“ I have a say, ”because the narcissistic parent acted like that,” explains psychotherapist Wendy Biheri. And in the subconscious of a grown up child there is nothing more frightening than his figure ... What to do about it: learn as much as you can about narcissism. So you can identify and eliminate dysfunctional attitudes from childhood.
2. You largely copy parent behavior
Some children are convinced that the only way to avoid ridicule and humiliation is to become a narcissistic parent. Over time, they develop an aggressive behavior based on the fear that any weakness will be severely punished and that the best defense is attack.
Daffodils have difficulty establishing personal boundaries and see in children a continuation of themselves
“Strong-willed children with pronounced extraversion themselves learn the narcissistic style of play. Insulting and unflattering words to someone else’s address becomes their survival tactic, ”explains Craig Malkin. Moreover, in the future, in communication with loved ones, they block feelings, so as not to seem weak and vulnerable. What to do about it: contact a professional who will help you break down aggressive behavior patterns, especially if your partner and / or children suffer from them.
3. You take offense at a brother or sister
Daffodils have difficulty establishing personal boundaries and see in children a continuation of themselves. In families with several children, one usually acts as a mirror for the best qualities of the parent. He receives more attention, support and admiration, but the demand from him is huge. Another child becomes a scapegoat and a "shame of the family." He is not suited to "pet" soles, so you do not have to expect anything from him. Both projections reflect different sides of the narcissistic personality and push the children against each other, offering them different models of an unhappy childhood.
What to do with it
Share this information with your brother or sister. If you went to the “favorites”, you can still harbor a grudge against them, because your brother / sister was subjected to much less pressure. If you were an “outcast child,” you may still be worried that all the best was unfairly given to a “beloved” son or daughter.
Daffodils specially poison people for their own purposes. Their children may find that they are connected by something more than a blood bond. As hostages who have survived hard times together, they can become unusually close already in adulthood.
About experts
Wendy Biheri - Psychotherapist, founder of the Center for Cognitive Therapy in New Jersey.
Craig Malkin - Psychologist, teaches at Harvard Medical School.
How does a narcissistic mother raise her children and what are the consequences of such an upbringing?
Children of narcissistic parents are psychologically traumatized people. When an adult falls under the influence of a daffodil, the consequences are negative, but for children whose parents are daffodils, this influence is simply destructive. Children grow up with blurred boundaries, with low or hypertrophied self-esteem. They do not know who they are, what they want, what their goals and plans are, they try to please people and are constantly ashamed. Also, chronic diseases are a common symptom in children of a narcissistic mother, often diseases are associated with an upset gastrointestinal tract. The child himself can become a daffodil or a potential victim of a daffodil, that is, attract daffodil partners, daffodil friends, husbands, wives, bosses, colleagues.
What is the difference between a narcissistic mother and a normal mother?
A narcissistic mother does not feel her child, does not understand that he is ill, ignores his feelings, because she does not have empathy. For example, if a child cries, she may say: “Nothing, you cry more - you pee less. They take water to the offended. ” Very often they offend their child, and then accuse him of being offended. The child cannot understand anything, like the victim is him, but his brains are twisted so that he feels shame for his feelings, and then he executed himself for being so touchy.
Children often have suicidal thoughts because no one hears them and no one understands them, and suicide is a way to attract attention and show how bad they feel. If a child confesses to her mother in suicidal thoughts, she may say: “Can you bring a rope with soap?” Eric Burns called it a hangman’s smile: parents feel joy when a child is sick.
A mother can manipulate her child with the help of fear: "That's because you behave so badly, I can die." - Or with the help of guilt: "Dad left us because you behaved badly." Dad apparently left because of her, not because of the child, but she turns the arrows on the child to instill guilt and make it easier to manage. As a rule, the feeling of shame and guilt remains with the child for many years. He is to blame for everyone and for everything.
The narcissistic mother constantly lowers, blames and ridicules the child. She often jokes in public, such as: “Look, our Kolya always forgets everything, he is so absent-minded and clumsy,” or: “Our Vanya has all the stones.” The child becomes socially inadequate, awkward, even more absent-minded, because the words of the mother act as a self-fulfilling prophecy. He is forming a program of potential victims. Both adults and children begin to laugh at him, he literally begins to attract offenders.
A daffodil mother may even envy her children. She is trying to compete with her daughter as a woman for the love of her husband or other men. She does not want her daughter to look better than her. If a daughter has a young man, she will try to seduce him, because her daughter’s happiness means nothing to her, the main thing for her is her own success.
In addition, such a mother talks a lot about herself, sets herself an example, tells how good she is, she also ascribes all the merits of the child to herself. For example, she will say: “I’ve been working out with you, and you received a good grade.” She boasts of her educational victories over others, often in the presence of a child. The child begins to understand that in itself he is worth nothing, he is in unpaid debt to his mother. Thus, co-dependence is formed, which the mother then uses for life to keep an already adult child on a short leash and to exploit it.
A narcissistic mother may say that she loves her children, that she takes care of them, but that is all to manipulate. She says she loves the child, but the child does not feel it. By the age of 10, the child ceases to love his mother and feels guilty for this: “Mom has done so much for me!” The narcissistic mother of her children holds this fault for the rest of her life.
Be aware of your relationships with parents and children and be happy.
Tatyana Dyachenko
