The child does not know how to lose: what to do? What to do if the child does not know how to lose.

Children are very fond of collective games, but not all small researchers are able to adequately respond to losing. Many parents do not know how to behave properly with a child who, having been defeated, begins to cry, scream, and take offense at other participants in the game, accusing them that the victory was unfair. "I am a parent" will talk about several effective ways to teach a child to adequately respond to losses in games and not get upset due to defeat.

What is the reason?

In order to teach your child to accept the rules of the game and not be afraid to lose, you should understand why children are generally so sensitive to defeat, if the game is just entertainment?

The fact is that children under the age of 9-10 are in a state of "". They are used to the fact that in the eyes of others they are the center of the universe and do not understand that there are certain boundaries in life. This syndrome is especially pronounced in the only child in the family or in the pet, who enjoys privileges from the parents. Often these children perceive themselves too positively, have high self-esteem, and in any situation they are used to achieving their goal. Losing they consider an attempt on their own narcissism and a real tragedy, especially if parents always demand victories from them.

Winning games at all costs is often the child’s motto and when rivalry between brothers and sisters takes place in all areas of life.

How to teach a child to adequately perceive a loss?

Do not scold or ridicule the child for his loss, but rather let him know that you are proud of him, no matter what. Do not compare him with those who turned out to be stronger, but note his efforts, praise for the struggle in the game, for the fact that he did not give up, but reached almost to the very end. Explain to the child that participation rather than victory is much more important in the game, and that all competitors, not just the winner, are great, and never use words like “out”, “out,” “loser,” etc. It will be great if you come up with consolation prizes for the loser, just try to make them no worse than the prizes for the winner, otherwise the child will still feel that he is worse than someone else.

Children always take, therefore, demonstrate by your own behavior that losses can be perceived without anger and resentment. If you lose, say: “So I’m lucky some other time” or “In the next game I will come up with a new strategy and I will definitely win.” Add a funny note to the defeat with the words “So what, what have I lost, but I am the kindest mother in the world, right?”.

If you are one on one and find yourself the winner, the little loser with the words “It was very difficult for me to play with you”, “This victory was not easy for me”, “Each time it is more difficult for me to defeat you!”. Well, then you can offer him to play another game - the one where he will definitely be the winner. This, for example, can be “Tic-tac-toe” or “Rock-paper-scissors”, as in these games the defeats are quickly replaced by victories and vice versa, and the child begins to perceive the loss as a temporary and insignificant failure.

Following these simple tips, you will gradually teach your child to calmly accept his defeats and perceive them as a step to further improve their skills.

Victoria Kotlyarova

The face is stony, the playing board flies to the side, the door slams ... The party broke off.

“They experience their defeat in the game as a deep wound inflicted on their vanity,” explains Jungian analyst Maria Lomova. - To lose for such a person is to suddenly feel completely impaired. And it hurts a lot. ”

Most of us lose with a light heart and laugh when we are out of luck again. But he who does not know how to lose does not forgive himself for defeat. Someone else's victory becomes an occasion for him to reproach himself for failure. “And he begins to play again in order to once again try to feel his superiority,” says psychotherapist Sergei Medvedev. - For such people, life is a constant competition. The game is only a special case. ”

The pursuit of excellence

Defeat in the game is impossible to hide. He always has at least one witness. For someone who suffers from a loss, defeat also means that others will see his failure.

“He is afraid that his imperfection will cause others to not want to communicate with him, that he will not be good enough for them,” continues Sergey Medvedev. So often feel those whom parents punished in childhood for the slightest failure. Trying to win at all costs, they are now trying to realize their need to become the best, perfect, all recognized. “The game (in case of victory) helps them to assert themselves,” emphasizes Maria Lomova. “External success proves its own significance, and a loss means that it is again lost.”

"I became more confident in myself, playing as a team"

Mark, 28 years old, legal adviser

“Since childhood, I participated only in games where I had a great chance to win. Failure scared me, I was not ready to take risks. In childhood, my parents succumbed to me, gave in, and I always came out the winner. And later, with friends, the situation changed. I began to lose sometimes and was completely unprepared for this. As soon as I felt that the game didn’t come out, I was angry, often could not even finish the game ... I was angry that I put in enormous efforts, but still lose. It was so unfair!

I worried for a long time, dreamed of a rematch! My friends labeled me "not knowing how to lose." Today, although I do not always manage to laugh at myself, I feel more confident. I prefer team games, they require less recognition of personal achievements. And I’m not the only one to blame if the team loses. ”

Thirst for control

Just a game? For those who do not know how to lose, this is much more. The game is the flip side of reality, a space in which you can build your life in a different way. The game has clear rules. In this way, it attracts those who are anxious in the midst of life's chaos.

“For most of us, playing is a safe experience. In the end, you can always replay it, ”recalls Maria Lomova. “But those who acutely experience their defeats do not realize this.” And failure for them is tantamount to a threat to their lives. ”

They unconsciously perceive the loss as a return of chaos, unpredictability, danger. “The origins of such a worldview may lie in too early forced independence,” Sergey Medvedev explains, “at a time when the child still needed the support and guidance of elders.”

“Men react to defeat more acutely than women,” said Sergey Medvedev. “Perhaps the fact is that boys are traditionally educated in the quest for victory, while girls are taught to be flexible and give in.” Losing becomes the last straw and causes an overly emotional reaction.

But not the game itself is the reason for this behavior. It’s just that the features characteristic of our behavior are clearly manifested in it, since the time and space of the game are limited.

What to do?

Regain pleasure

Play different games. Identify those that you are particularly interested in, and be condescending to yourself, let me play them ... with pleasure. Objective: to feel the joy of the game process, and not of its result. Choose partners in whom you are confident and know that their attitude towards you does not depend on whether you win or lose.

Change the rules

Agree with yourself that today you will certainly change your attitude towards losing (if it does happen). If you succeed, you will in any case become a winner, because at last you managed to overcome yourself.

To become older

As we get older, we feel more and more the driving force in our lives and get great satisfaction from it. For someone who has grown up, the game ceases to be a contest or battle, and again becomes just fun, entertainment ...

If you are unable to reconcile with your defeats and you suffer about this, then the game hides some kind of conflict with your own life. In this case, you should turn to psychotherapy, because suffering is not a game.

How to help such a person?

Think in advance in which games to participate in full force, and when to give in, adapting to the manner of someone who does not know how to lose. But keep in mind that this is an understanding, not an indulgence ... Don’t apologize - you are not to blame for the loser's feelings; do not play a joke - thus, you run the risk of devaluing his feelings.

Parents should not constantly give away with their children. After all, this is how we create in them a dangerous illusion that life will always obey their desires. It is worth explaining to them that losing is not so scary.

The child’s stubborn desire to win - is it bad? In my opinion, no, the pursuit of success is a good motivation.

However, I know why the inability of children to lose so worries parents. I saw a child who brings himself to physical illness from worries and fear of losing. And a child who, having lost in a board game in a group of children, cannot do anything until the end of the day, is in a depressed state, is silent. I saw tears, aggression and curses against the winner. And how a loss in a specific situation instantly turned into “I never win. I am a loser. I'm doing terribly. Nobody loves me. ” This is what worries parents.

Our whole life is a series of successes and failures, it turns out and does not work out. To be able to win to be able to lose is to stay afloat in life.

I thought, when did adults themselves learn to accept a loss? What does it mean to be able to lose?

I can lose, if I lose, I remain in a resource state. I can think sensibly, I feel normal, I can do business, I continue to feel like a good person, I understand what my weakness is, I am able to make decisions whether I need to train in order to be a winner in this matter or not. By age, all this is not available to the child.

Ask the child (not just at the time of loss, but in the usual situation between things), why is he so painfully reacting to failure? What happens in his soul and thoughts?

Children who are painfully reacting to a loss have beliefs that sound something like this:

“Winning is good, losing is bad. I did something bad. ”
"If I lose, I'm bad." The situation leaves its mark on the whole personality.
“They don't like losers. If I lose, my parents will not love me, they will not want to be friends with me. ”
“Losing means that all my efforts (and I tried very hard, at the limit of possibilities) are invisible, ineffective, and I am helpless, I no longer know what to do to win.”

You will see that the child’s consciousness is narrowing at this moment. There is only him with his loss.

What to do?

In the acute emotional period, be near and share his grief with the words: “I see that you are very upset. I would also be upset if I lost in such competitions. If you react like that, it means something important has happened. ”You should not try to immediately bring it to a normal state; by doing this you seem to tell the child that his feelings and reactions regarding the loss are wrong, inappropriate. And he has them, so he is somehow wrong?

When emotions begin to subside, suggest ways of complacency known to you and him: “Let's drink some water. Let's go Breathe deeply through the nose. "

Express your feelings of love, acceptance, care for him with words, hugs, actions. Just do not teach or analyze the situation. There will be a better time for this. Now it is important that the child with all his heart and skin feel that, so that he does not, you love him.

Offer to talk about what happened a few hours later, when you are convinced that the child is well, can hear and see you. If he does not agree, leave me alone. If you agree, listen to him first. It may turn out that speaking out is exactly what the child needs right now. Do not blame, do not list the errors without asking him if he wants to hear your opinion. If the child wants to hear your opinion about the situation and about himself in it, then speak. Be prepared for a new surge of emotions and for the fact that the child does not agree with you. It is normal to rebel against parental beliefs. A drop is sharpening a stone. At some point, in practice, he will be convinced of the correctness of your advice. Or find his way out.

The main work with the child should not be carried out at the time of loss or gain, but in everyday life: to strengthen self-esteem, to manage your emotions, to form a positive or philosophical outlook on life. In everyday life, talk with the child and show him that he already knows how and does not know how, and you know how and don’t. By this you tell him that to be unsuccessful is normal and form his self-esteem. Tell and show the child how you systematically develop something in yourself, so you teach him self-development. Talk to him about your feelings and show what you are doing to bring yourself back to normal. “Look, I'm so angry now that there’s a mess at home again. I’ll drink coffee now to calm down, then we'll talk. ”

An acute emotional reaction to a loss is an indication for a child working with a psychologist or for participating in a psychological training. Especially if the parent himself is not able to accept the loss, or, confused and does not know how to help the child.

Psychological training will be useful for the child by the fact that there he will be shown the necessary skills, given the opportunity to practice games and exercises with other children. He will receive support from other children and from a psychologist.

Peeped at SUCCESSFUL PARENTS:

Mom plays a board game with her child. The child wins. Mama shakes his hand: « Congratulations you, you won! ” In the next game, mom wins. She gives him a hand, the child shakes it and says: “Congratulations, now You win!"

Hello. I am 24 years old, my name is Dima. And I just hate losing. I will give an example. For example, just recently I played table tennis with a friend. And either I was not lucky, or I was out of shape, or I just play badly, but I started to lose a lot. And naturally, it began to enrage me. I just started to lose my temper. I am a fairly educated, positive and cultured person. But the inability to lose just got me. It bothers me all my life. During failures during games, it seems to me that the enemy laughs at me, gloats, considers me a weakling, a loser and a sucker. It infuriates me that my defeat pleases someone. Please advise how to get rid of this problem?

Hello Dmitry! A game is always someone’s victory and someone’s defeat. You are trying to do everything at the highest level, because you are afraid to be ridiculed. But these are just your assumptions. Have you had similar situations in the past? Someone may have ridiculed you and humiliated you when you did something wrong or lost, it could gain a foothold on a subconscious level and subsequently be transferred to even minor failures. You need to realize that losing in the game is not a mockery, but just an excuse to win back or be happy for another, because you do not always lose and your opponent perceives defeat positively. Good luck!

Presnyakova Svetlana Aleksandrovna, psychologist of the city of Chudovo

Good answer0 Bad answer1

Hello, Dima.

This is what seems important to me.

During failures at games to me it seemsthat the enemy laughs at me, gloats, considers me a weakling, a loser and a sucker.

It seems to you, i.e. you probably don’t know this. The enemy does not tell you about this. This knowledge sits in your head. Someone from important close people inspired you to be the best, otherwise you are a loser. You were not given the right to make a mistake or were not accepted as a loser.

how to get rid of this problem?

First, it’s important to understand that there is always a winner and a loser in the game, and that you cannot be the strongest. It is simply not possible. There will always be an opponent stronger. Secondly, it is important to understand that recognition of yourself as a loser comes from within, not from without.

Sincerely.

Good answer4 Bad answer1

Hello, Dima!

I would venture to suggest that this symptom is characteristic of individuals with a narcissistic character.

The child who was evaluated. Narcissistic character.

Self-esteem

Narcissistic personalities and people whose narcissism has reached the extreme point of narcissistic personality disorder are characterized by an increased sense of self-importance and greatness, they perceive themselves as special and unique, they believe that they occupy an exceptional place that makes them higher than the mass of ordinary people. They see themselves as the best and have special rights to the location and good treatment of others, as if they are above the generally accepted rules. These individuals are confident in their own significance, rightness, tend to exaggerate their knowledge and achievements.

Daffodils usually have very fragile self-esteem, they constantly experience fluctuations in all possible amplitudes from zero to infinity, because of this they are prone to depression. Sometimes they say that under a three-layer dragon skin or behind a large soap bubble they hide a small scared child. And all the external window dressing, tinsel is used for complacency, gaining calmness and self-confidence. Therefore, narcissistic personalities regularly feel themselves infinitely small and insignificant. This makes them constantly rush from self-aggrandizement to self-abasement. This process is somewhat reminiscent of the torment of Rodion Raskolnikov from the novel by F. M. Dostoevsky “Crime and Punishment”: “Am I a trembling creature or do I have the right?”

At first glance, these people are dependent on success, pedantic, have a high sense of self-worth, pride, often excessive demands, they are focused on themselves. But at the same time, they are constantly sensitive to shame and humiliation, often prone to hypochondria (considering their possible diseases under the “magnifying glass”) and psychosomatics (body diseases caused by mental problems). When breakdowns of their psychological defenses, they can feel nullity, self-depreciation, isolation, inertness, depression. And at the same time, deep down in their souls, they feel emptiness, worthlessness, panic with the weakening and fragmentation of their personality. On the archaic (on the basic, very foundation) level, daffodils crave a new rapprochement, merging, reflection in their twin, idealizing their relationship to themselves. At an unconscious level, they experience rage and pain from the lack of guessing and understanding of their desires of a deep level.

(from)

I work on Skype, write, psychotherapy helps to cope with strong feelings of their imperfection.

Untilova (Cryer) Natalya Vladimirovna, psychologist in Moscow

Good answer1 Bad answer1

The ability to admit defeat, as well as the ability to forgive, has great benefits for our mental health. From how a person relates to losing, you can understand whether he relates to optimists or pessimists. An optimist will smile in any situation, because he can not only see the advantages, but also benefit.

What carries a loss

The most successful "king of defeats" can be called Henry Ford. He is now known as the millionaire, inventor of the conveyor belt and founder of the Ford Motor Company, but before becoming a great American businessman, he suffered more than one defeat - bankruptcy. If you want to learn how to lose with dignity, you should follow him. The main thing that needs to be understood is that defeat has its advantages. As Henry Ford says: “Failure is just an opportunity to start again and more smartly.” It is necessary to analyze your mistakes that led to defeat, and make invaluable experience out of this.

Learning to lose decently can forget the taste of victory

The ability to play with dignity has a flip side, behind which a person becomes passive and indifferent to victory. If Henry Ford had not found the strength in himself to cope with another bankruptcy, so desperate to win, the world would never have recognized such a wonderful brand of cars as Ford. The conveyor assembly system could have been invented many years later, as well as the possibility of acquiring affordable cars by the middle class. Therefore, in no case can not tolerate defeat. Losing situations must be treated calmly and wisely. Learning from the failures, use the experience gained in order to achieve the intended goal.

How to teach a child to lose worthily

It is impossible to teach a child what you yourself do not know how. Looking at the behavior of the child, you will see a small copy of your reflection. The psychology of children is designed in such a way that they unwittingly copy parents. A little later, the habit of being upset by the loss copied from you will add individual, personal behavior of the child. However, the foundation will still be what you have invested and demonstrated.

The best way to learn is by playing. Spending joint evenings at board games, you can show your child the right reactions to certain events. It’s not worth explaining, it is necessary to show. Lost, wonder aloud at what you did wrong. Ask to recoup with the words "now I know how to win." Develop a strategy: "losing - finding reasons - a new attempt."

Sources:

The life of Henry Ford

A smile works wonders: it attracts strangers, unites couples and just gives a good mood. The ability to smile is a valuable virtue of a person, helping him to live, create and love.

Instruction manual

Develop a sense of humor. It is possible that you are unhappy because you do not understand the jokes of others. Everyone laughs, but you don’t, and it can only upset you or even that absolutely hinders the appearance of your sincere smile.

Set yourself up for positive things. In fact, not only subtle jokes can make you smile, but also the simplest things. Spring, bird singing, a productive working day, a sweet couple that met along the way, finally, your reflection in the windows of the windows. Smile at yourself, smile at the world, and he will give you his joyful smile in return.

Sources:

Cognitive magazine "School of Life.ru".
how to learn to smile beautifully

There are people who are victorious, but there are conquered. Both those and others suffered defeats in a life. Only the first survived them, and the second did not. However, it is never too late to start your movement towards victories. And the ability to lose is necessary on the path to success.

Instruction manual

Admit mistakes right away. People often defend their position from. They already realized that they were wrong, but, nevertheless, they continue to give various arguments in their defense. The problem is that sooner or later you will have to admit defeat anyway, while you can put yourself out not very much, trying to justify the obviously wrong point of view.

Having acknowledged your mistake, you, on the contrary, will show your opponent that you are smart. In addition, you will save your and others' time.

Tell the truth. You should not say that you are a professional in any field of activity, if this is not so. If you enter into a dispute, immediately indicate your competence. In this case, no one will “crush” you with arguments and call you “profane”. Moreover, they will treat you with understanding and explain incomprehensible things to you.

If you don’t have confidence in something, then feel free to talk about it (“Of course, I’m not sure, but it seems to me ...”)

Analyze the reasons for your losses. Mistakes arise either out of ignorance (but they can hardly be called a loss), or as a result of the victory of feelings over reason. Anger, resentment or irritation take hold of a person, he loses the ability to reason reasonably and ultimately fails. Therefore, put aside “for later” reflections on what should have been said in a particular dispute. You were in a different emotional state and most likely you could not soberly assess the situation. Better remember the moment when you lost control of yourself and became a victim of your own passions.

Find your weakness. If you're upset about losing, think about why. You will surely find some of your fad. It is he who is the root cause of your resentment. Sip it. Try to offend yourself, do it as aggressively as possible. You will see that everything is not so scary. And the next time someone hurts your weakness, you will react less painfully.

Consider the worst possible situation. Tell yourself what will happen if your theory turns out to be wrong? What troubles await you? Is there a way out of them? Develop a plan for failure.

Just do not consider the situation of losing too much, otherwise tune yourself to it.

Refuse the transition to personality. Prove your point of view, not over the interlocutor. Better consider it as a source of information.

Useful advice

If, after losing, there is resentment, you don’t have to tear down evil on your near and dear ones. Play a computer game, box, do a series of physical exercises. Oddly enough, these actions effectively relieve psychological stress.

Sources:

Art of losing

It is difficult to be a winner always and in everything, but to behave worthily during a loss is also a victory, a small victory over oneself. The ability to lose is laid in childhood, so parents should pay special attention to this.

Instruction manual

Explain to him that failure is an important experience, and if he sees his mistakes, he has a chance to prevent them in the future. Any loss today can become a platform for future victories.

Teach child correctly emit emotions. He can scream, stamp his feet, jump, but his aggression should not harm other people.

Try to explain to the kid that participation in the game is the most important thing. Teach him to take out the best from the game process - emotions, skills. When the child is interested in the game, he will adequately perceive the lesions and.

Teach child correctly distribute responsibility for failure. The defeat depends on such factors as attentiveness, luck, level of training.

Praise both for victories and for decent behavior during a loss. Tell him that he has become much better at playing, that his rivals had to sweat in order to take his palm from him.

Learn child respect the feelings of others. Winning is great, but don’t insult the losers, laugh at them. Let the child cheer up his friends. If he learns to react correctly to the defeat of his comrades, then he will perceive his own mistakes much more calmly.

Sources:

How to teach a child to lose: recommendations of a psychologist. in 2019

If you constantly think about how to “not lose face”, it will be difficult for you to admit your mistakes. However, people around? able to admit mistakes? arouse more respect than those who pretend that nothing is happening. Ultimately, this ability directly affects the person’s reputation, as well as his relationship with people.

Pay attention to your feelings.

Having made a mistake, evaluate your feelings, pay attention to how you behave. If you are prone to excessive self-criticism, you may be scared for the consequences of your mistakes, you may want to take the blame away from you and lay it on someone else. It must be remembered that behavior can bring much more problems than if you openly admitted your wrong.

To determine if you have a tendency to justify yourself every time, pay attention to whether you are exaggerating the fatality of your mistakes, or whether you are humiliating yourself for your inability to act correctly. Check if you stop believing in your abilities and do not perceive your past mistakes as a lesson. If you notice this behavior, adjust it.

Do not reproach yourself for your mistakes. A variety of mistakes (small misses or major omissions) on the way to the goal are almost inevitable.

Mistakes repeated

Remember that errors are an integral part of any process. Even if you have learned the lessons of previous mistakes well, they will still be repeated from time to time. Mistakes only show a person what exactly he is doing wrong, they give him the opportunity to learn and gain new knowledge and skills.

Remember that many great inventions were made after a long series of various mistakes.

Focus on the causes of errors

Instead of provoking a whole series of negative emotions, think about what could have caused your mistakes. Perhaps you were too tired, hungry, wanting to please someone or showing excessive perseverance. Concentrate on the causes of your mistakes and not on self-abasement, say to yourself, for example: “In the future I will make decisions only by making sure that I have the necessary information” or “In the future I will not make decisions if I feel tired”.

Do not look back

A constant return to past mistakes plunges a person into negative thoughts. Analysis and recognition of past mistakes is necessary, learn from them, but never return to the experiences that they cause. The past cannot be changed.

People are not perfect

Many people cannot admit their mistakes because they constantly strive for excellence. People striving for excellence in everything are doomed to wallow in mistakes. They can be demoralized by any significant error. Allow yourself to be imperfect and make mistakes. Do not try to be the best in everything that you do, otherwise you will completely immerse yourself in identifying your own shortcomings. Always tell yourself that you are beautiful as you are, you are open to learning and constant growth.

Listen and answer questions

In the process of explanation, the audience inevitably raises a number of questions. If the point of what you are explaining seems very simple to you, your questions can be annoying. Fight this and patiently respond to them. If you do not quite understand the question you are asked, try to rephrase it out loud so that there are no misunderstandings and misinterpretations. This is especially important if you are speaking with an entire audience. In addition, when answering questions when communicating with a group of people, repeat them out loud so that your answer is clear to everyone.

Do not use specialized jargon

In the process of explaining a certain topic, you may notice that the audience does not understand you at all. This can happen if you use too many different shortcuts that are new to them. Try to speak in the most understandable words, especially if the audience does not have specialized knowledge. Another extreme that you should not fall into is too detailed an explanation of obvious things, it can offend your interlocutor.

Ask questions for understanding

A conversation with students should not be limited only to questions on their part, especially since the absence of such questions does not mean that they all understand. Be sure to ask your questions to understand your explanations. Questions can be either simple, requiring a short answer (yes / no), or complex, involving a detailed answer. In any case, asking such questions, you show your listeners your interest in this communication.

Use analogies

In the process of explaining too complex topics, you may encounter a lack of understanding of the subject matter of the conversation. Use in this case analogies that will simplify understanding. The choice of analogies must be approached very carefully. Find out the essence of the subject you want to explain first, and then look for an analogy in real life. Wrong choices can lead to a misunderstanding of your explanations.

Make sure you get it

Explaining something does not make sense if your interlocutor does not understand you. At the end of the explanation process, be sure to ask him if he understood what you told him. One of the most effective ways to test the knowledge gained is to ask to tell what you have heard in your own words, while asking clarifying questions.