Out of love with her husband: why, how to understand what to do.

This article will be devoted to women who suddenly, after a certain time, realize that they have married the wrong person. Awareness of his dislike for a spouse appears unexpectedly, first in a quiet whisper, and then with a loud cry of the soul. A woman feels depressed, devastated, thoughts come that life has been lived in vain. And if another man appears on the horizon, then this is generally very dangerous for marriage.

The main causes of lost love

The most common factors affecting feelings of faded love are:

• The passion that was mistaken for love. If, at the beginning of a relationship, predominantly, fervor, euphoria comes to the fore, then gradually this passes. In order to build a strong union, you need more than mutual sexual attraction. After all, when the passion leaves, you can observe that next to a person whose views on life are completely different.
• It happens that initially a girl got married out of some selfish motives. In this case, it will not be easy to keep love, because, in fact, it was not there. It should be said that when deciding on a wedding with an unloved person, one must be prepared for the fact that feelings will not appear later.
• The next reason is the crisis that almost all couples are experiencing. And in fact, in such a situation it is easier to find a way out and return fading feelings, of course, when two of them need it.
• Having children can also affect the feelings of both spouses. It happens that a wife gives more time, attention and love to children, it happens that it’s just that the children are so exhausted physically and mentally that they don’t want anything.
• Cheating, loose relationships, jealousy, or addiction also destroy feelings.

What to do to save the family?

Whatever the reasons, the girl should think carefully about whether or not to try to regain her former feelings. Indeed, if relations with a spouse have cracked, then there are reasons for this. In any case, you can check how a woman feels for her companion. For this, there is an interesting and simple technique.

You should sit alone and imagine that your husband has never been in this world and never will be. And then, you need to understand your feelings about this. If she experiences anxiety, sadness, she misses him, then this is a good sign. So the feelings remained and you just need to warm them up. But if she doesn’t care if such a person exists or not, unfortunately, love is not present here.

When, however, the girl understands her feelings, she needs to start acting in order to maintain the union. Or, perhaps, discontinuing a relationship. Because, for a strong family, you must have a desire to be together. And if love still remains, it will take something to do to return the former warmth.

The first thing to do is talk frankly with your companion. Yes, of course, the conversation will not be easy, but it must be held for mutual trust and understanding. And then, two, you need to hold hands and remember all the happy moments spent together. It is necessary to arrange dates, spend a lot of time only together, forget at least briefly household worries and talk on abstract topics. Such joint activities will help to maintain a strong union.

From the point of view of statistics, the situation is not as rare as it might seem at first glance. Over time, the passion subsides, the habit grows, and the husband and wife gradually turn from passionate lovers into close relatives, bound by common obligations and life.

At the same time, the need for romantic impressions and strong emotions does not disappear. Indeed, romantic love in most women is associated with them. Therefore, even if you are married to a reliable and loyal man, you may still occasionally have doubts about whether you have fallen out of love with your husband. How to cope with them, and how to understand whether they are true (after all, it happens), we will try to understand this article.

Oh, these evil thoughts.

Surely you have heard the conventional wisdom that all our problems are from the head. And undoubtedly, the truth is present in it. Indeed, the way we perceive the surrounding reality and the way we represent our ideal life depend on the course of our thoughts. Therefore, it may just seem to you that everything is very bad in your marriage. Whereas in reality everything can be. And your husband’s love for you can be much deeper and stronger. It's just that you are not always able to notice it or interpret it correctly.

Our perception of what is happening, unfortunately, is not a clearly working mechanism, but rather a completely debugged system that works intermittently. It is subjective, and is subject to the serious influence of our deep-seated beliefs, familiar stereotypes and other many different factors.

For example, you can be sure that if there are no emotional clarifications and open manifestations of feelings in a relationship, this should always mean that the woman has stopped loving.

Psychologists call this set a cognitive scheme. And translating into simple language, the cognitive circuit is a way that you, or rather your brain, uses to perceive and process incoming information. That is, this is a certain path that includes the following intermediate points:

• perception is most often selective. Your brain does not handle the whole situation, and decides on its own what exactly to draw your attention to.
• assessment of perceived - based on existing experience.
• emotion is how you experience the information you receive
• action - based on previous facts, you make a decision about how you will act.

That is, the main part of the scheme is your beliefs. Formed on the basis of your experience, laid down in you by upbringing and genes, imposed by society, and so on. As a result, the cognitive scheme is a short standard thesis in your head that tells you how it should be.

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According to such schemes, we believe that all men should be earners, women - modest women, children - obedient clever women. The weather is certainly good, vacation - on the shores of the warm sea, love - to the grave. And if a woman does not experience violent feelings in family life, then she has stopped loving her husband. Well and so on.

It is precisely such cognitive patterns that give rise to obsessive thoughts and doubts about how our lives meet our expectations. They interfere with perceiving it objectively, feeling calm and satisfaction. For example, you are convinced that your husband should meet you from work every evening. Whatever the circumstances. If reality does not match this belief, you will start sooner or later. Even if you understand that the fulfillment of this belief is impossible or even ridiculous.

Love is…

Doubts about feelings often arise as a consequence of our false beliefs. It may seem to you that you love "not like that." That they love you “wrong”, which means they don’t love you at all.

However, Tolstoy wrote in “Anna Karenina” that “how many hearts there are so many kinds of love”. Love-passion, characteristic of the first few years of a relationship, is fleeting. This is said about her, "lives for three years." It burns quickly and brightly, and certainly can not be the pillar of a long-term project called marriage.

And if she passed, or rather, became quiet, this does not mean that the wife fell out of love with her husband completely and forever. On the contrary, the time has come for a true partnership, devotion, and therefore true love.

Women's misconceptions about a happy marriage have destroyed more than one family. After all, what is needed is not Mexican passions at all. Partners should be able to support and take care of each other, in such a union bets are placed on the compatibility (psychological, sexual) of partners, making their coexistence as comfortable as possible for two.

What to do with false beliefs?

How to deal with the dissatisfaction caused by our erroneous beliefs? And how to distinguish true personal misfortune from such beliefs?

Happiness is a difficult measure. You can evaluate your income level, housing conditions, social status, success from a generally accepted point of view. But how to evaluate the level of your happiness? After all, this is an internal state, and quite fleeting.

Developing cognitive patterns is both simple and very difficult. Getting rid of persuasion is a monotonous job that requires constant monitoring on your part. You need to do something like the following.

• track your cognitive patterns, your reactions. A repeated reaction to events will indicate a false belief ("I knew that you were not capable of anything" to any of his mistakes)
• describe your feelings on paper
• develop the opposite beliefs. It’s also advisable to write them down first

Sometimes it helps to simply realize that you are in the grip of your own error. It will be easier for you to act rationally and you will not react strongly to your experiences.

Remember the main thing - your behavior means a lot to a man, but if there is no harmony at the level of signs, then the relationship will be very tense. It is very advisable to find out the exact compatibility of your zodiac sign with the sign of a man. This can be done by clicking on the button just below:

Or did love really pass?

Understand whether you really stopped loving your husband, or it just seems so to you, is not so simple. But there are still a number of alarming symptoms.

You don’t want to compromise anymore, you don’t want to adapt, give in

Your point of view has become more important for you than the point of view of your husband. You constantly protect your personal interests, without looking back. You get annoyed at any need to do what your husband wants, not you.

You do not want to spend time with him

You no longer require attention, and prefer to spend free time with friends. Joint leisure does not cause you any emotions, you just do not care whether he is near or not.

You are not jealous of him, but you yourself began to notice an interest in other men

The absence of jealousy, especially if there is a reason, is a serious moment to think about. You no longer feel him as your man and are ready to share. And if you accidentally discovered yourself flirting with your old friend - it's time to think about what is happening.

You are not satisfied with sex with your husband, and you generally do not want closeness with him - hugs, kisses, etc.

If bodily desire has disappeared, and not only sensual, sexual, but just supporting emotional closeness between you, this is also a very alarming call.

All the signs described above may well indicate that the wife really or has already stopped loving her husband, or is moving in this direction.

Is there anything you can do?

Sometimes there can be objective reasons for such alienation between spouses. There are difficult, crisis moments in marriage (on average, once every three years). There are betrayals, betrayals, and serious grievances. Over time, your life changes, you change yourself.

Does this mean that as a result of these changes you should definitely leave?

Not always. Try to understand the reasons why this happened. Perhaps you spend too little time together. Or moved away from each other for some other reason. One way or another, having discovered the root of the problem, you can work on it, and possibly fix it.

In any case, you need to restore trust and intimacy. Do something together. Find new joint goals and go to them together. In this case, the relationship may be able to restore the spirit of partnership, compatibility. And you can love your husband again.

In a long-term relationship, the saying "From love to hate is one step" is relevant as in no other. Therefore, in no case do not give up and remember that marriage is not only cloudless happy days together, but also difficulties, experiencing life's ups and downs, constant joint work on relationships.

If you want to be with your beloved man - you need to figure out if you are compatible with the zodiac sign?

Find out the exact compatibility with a man - by clicking on the button just below.

Many men, after several happy years of marriage, face a problem. Their relations with the second half begin to deteriorate. The girl gradually begins to cool to her former beloved man. If the wife stopped loving, what to do? Look for practical tips below.

Find the reason

Any consequence always has a reason. If the wife stopped loving, what to do? You need to understand why a woman has reconsidered her attitude towards your person. Think about what has changed in your relationship lately. Girls always subtly hint that they are not happy. But the problem of many women is that they speak in hints, and men do not understand the veiled phrases. A loving husband should remember everything that his wife said over the past few months. What was the woman hinting at, what phrases in her speech slipped most often?

Did the lady complain that she was tired of the monotony or the girl was whining about the fact that you did not go anywhere together? It's time to make a difference. And the first thing a guy should do is give his wife feedback. The girl must understand that her husband has finally reached the hints that she has been doing for a long time. Did the lady complain about the lack of social events? Invite your beloved to go to a concert. Is the girl tired of the monotony? Invite your wife to go on a weekend trip to

If the wife fell out of love, what to do? Psychologist's advice will be like that. Take a look at the changes that have occurred in the life of your wife. The reason for a spoiled relationship may not be in you, but in the girl herself. My wife’s interests and preferences could change. If on time then you can get into trouble. Take an interest in the life of a lady so that you don’t get into awkward situations later.

Straight Talk

You can not understand the subtle hints that a woman constantly makes? Then you need to act directly. What to do if the wife said that she had stopped loving? Only frank conversation can save the situation. Talk with your lover and ask about what does not suit her. Do not interrupt the girl, let her speak out. A lady can tell you a lot, about which you do not even know. For example, that romance in a relationship has long evaporated, that you have become inattentive and have not been home at all recently. Listen to all the reproaches, but rather write everything down on paper. If a woman is dear to you, promise her to change. Say that you will fix everything that the lady does not like. But since the changes will be long, she will have to suffer a little. Promise that you will clean up one of your flaws per week. As a result, within a few months you can become the perfect prince for your beauty.

Do you like to listen to other people's advice on what to do if a wife has stopped loving her husband? You need to understand that the universal elixir of love does not exist. And the methods of winning female hearts are also different. It’s enough for someone to receive flowers for his birthday, and someone wants to spend all his free time with his beloved. Therefore, talk with a loved one, find out the reasons for the dissatisfaction of the person and try to assess them for adequacy. Remember that you should not promise your beloved that you are not going to fulfill. This will only upset the girl more. Therefore, immediately evaluate your strengths and do not start the road to win the lady’s heart with lies.

More romance

What do girls like? They like to listen to declarations of love and affirm their inimitability. Were you out of love with your wife? What should a man do in such a situation? Recall the romance that dies in marriage if it is not supported. What is the problem with most long-term relationships? Ordinance absorbs people, and they no longer surprise each other with gifts, do not make surprises and do not try to please the soulmate. Having affirmed in love, people stop trying. Ordinance kills feelings. You need to bring newness to the relationship. Surprise your sweetheart. Bring flowers to the girl for no reason, call your wife on dates and cook romantic dinners. Such a good attitude will not go unnoticed. A woman will appreciate your efforts and soften. But you must remember that romantic exploits for the sake of a beloved need to be done regularly, and not from time to time. Otherwise, the melted ice will harden again.

You and your wife have a cold relationship, what should I do? There is a child, and your wife stopped loving you, and spends all his time on caring for the baby? You do not need to be jealous of a woman for a child. Better try to integrate into the life of a woman and bring romance into everyday life. For example, after a woman puts her baby to bed, take a bath with foam and rose petals and invite your wife to relax after a hard day.

Become indispensable for a woman

How to return a wife to the family if she fell out of love and moved to live with her mother? If a woman has not found a new lover, you still have time to win her heart again. Try to become indispensable for a girl. Help the lady solve her problems, often come to visit her mother-in-law and help the elderly woman. A lady does not need to become a servant. Have self esteem. You need to understand the fine line that lies between reasonable help and servility. Help when a woman needs you. But you should not take your wife to the store if you can reach him in 5 minutes.

A man must achieve in order to become an irreplaceable part of life for a woman. It is necessary to surround the lady with care so that she could not do without your help. For example, it is you who must take over the payment of all bills for the apartment and for joint loans. The lady should be scared of all matters that are associated with paperwork. If a woman realizes that she cannot do without her husband, she will forgive the man and return to him. Then the young man will cease to be tormented by the question of what to do if the wife fell out of love with her husband, and how to save the family. But remember that if you often let the woman down and give her reasons for resentment, the lady will still be able to take on all the difficulties that you previously solved. Therefore, remember that this way of reviving love in the heart of a spouse will work only a few times.

Try to spend more time together

Are you in a predicament because of your own stupidity? Your missus doesn’t pay attention to you? What to do if your beloved wife stopped loving? A man should be rehabilitated in the eyes of a woman and spend more time with his wife. Change your priorities. If you have a desire to save your marriage, then you will temporarily have to move work to second place. Go to the cinema with your wife, take the girl to social events. If there is a child in the family, then you need to ask the parents to take him to them at least several times a week.

Your wife should understand that she is loved and desired. And the man must not forget to prove it to her. Rent country cottages for the weekend, go to the river or to the forest with tents. Go to the resorts or travel abroad. Whatever your family’s budget is, there is always the opportunity to find a way to have a good and productive break with your soulmate. But do not stop at the weekend. Show your feelings in the middle of the week. Return early from work, prepare your wife dinner and offer to watch the woman’s favorite film together. The more people communicate, the more trusting their relationships are, and love lives only where there is trust.

Give a woman compliments

Girls love ears. They constantly need confirmation of their irresistibility. Give ladies compliments as often as possible. Any good specialist will give you just such advice. wife? It should be rehabilitated in the eyes of a woman. A man should show increased attention to a lady. In the morning you can tell the lady that she looks amazing, and in the evening whisper tender words in the beloved woman’s ear. But don't be too zealous in your confessions. Nobody likes obsession either. Dose your tenderness. It should be appropriate. If a lady attends an important event for her, do not forget to wish her good luck, if you take the girl somewhere, then do not forget to kiss your beloved goodbye, and also say that you missed the girl when you pick her up. Such sweet words always resonate in women's hearts. If you remember all the dates important for the girl, you will also grow in the eyes of the lady. Therefore, create a calendar reminder that will notify you in advance of all important events.

Spend more time at home

Men like to spend their free time with friends or in clubs of interest. And if a guy with his beloved does not have common points of contact, then the time spent by people together will be reduced to night. As a result, the young man will be wondering: "If the wife fell out of love, what should I do?" A man should spend more time at home, not with friends. Yes, friends should not be deprived of your attention, but still the wife should be in the foreground.

If you and your lover have nothing to do besides watching TV, then start a joint hobby. What could it be? Dancing, learning foreign languages, doing yoga, or playing board games. It doesn’t matter which type of entertainment appeals to you more, the main thing is that this activity will unite you. Then you can reveal the identity of your loved one and begin to occupy an even larger part in her life. Husband and wife should first of all be support and support for each other, and only then good lovers. Relations are built on long conversations and shared memories. Undoubtedly, sex plays an important role in life, but still not the main one.

Help the woman with the housework

A man should remember that a woman is not a housewife, but a lover. What if the wife says she stopped loving? A man should help a woman feel welcome. And in order for the lady to have enough time for herself, the guy can lay on his shoulders part of the household affairs. For example, on the way home from work, the husband may buy food or, after dinner, wash the dishes. Finding matters in which a man will be useful to his missus is not so difficult. One has only to ask the girl how to help her. A lady can quickly find work for her husband. A man who wants to revive love in the heart of a woman must render the services of her beloved not from time to time, but on an ongoing basis. Facilitating the life of a beloved woman, a man wins her heart. After all, support and help for a woman are one of the indicators of love. Not all ladies trust words. But all women believe in actions, without exception.

Jealous Woman

Ladies love romance and romantic films. Did you notice that your wife fell out of love with you? What to do, how to return a woman? A man should begin to be theatrically jealous of his beloved. No matter how strange it may sound, women like this behavior. They are pleased to see that the man does not want to let them go and is striving to keep him close by himself. Therefore, do not be afraid to overdo it if you show jealousy not constantly, but only from time to time. A woman will be surprised at the similar behavior of her husband, which was previously not characteristic of him. But the surprise will be pleasant. A lady will think that if a husband hid his jealousy for so long, then he still has something to surprise a woman with. The lady will stay with the man, if only for the sake of interest, to see what else the missus will be able to surprise. And then the man must live up to the woman’s hopes. Prove your love Beautiful gestures will help not only to hold a woman, but also to revive a fading love.

Call your wife more often

Women love flowers for no reason and they like to hear the phrase from her husband that the man missed you. What if the wife stopped loving? Psychologists advise men to show affection for a woman, not only personally, but also by phone. You can call the lady at lunchtime and plan joint plans for the evening or arrange an appointment after work. Just call, saying that you are bored and look forward to a woman at home. Do not forget to send the girl messages with declarations of love. Such short messages may surprise the girl, but believe me, such a recognition will certainly cause a smile on the lips of any lady. You can use social networks to communicate with the lady. Leave your wife voice messages or send funny stickers. After all, going into social networks, the lady wants to see new messages, and you will help to live up to her expectations.

Or maybe a divorce?

You do not manage to establish normal relations with a woman? If the wife stopped loving, what to do? The advice of psychologists will not always please a man. If feelings have faded, and all of the above methods do not work, then you need to leave. Divorcing a lady who feels nothing more for you is not a very sad occupation. It’s worse to live with a woman and understand that you love without reciprocity. But if the lady got cold to you, and you did not make timely attempts to resurrect your feelings, it means that you did not really want to save the marriage. Crying about what has long died is pointless. Therefore, do not grieve over the departed love.

But do not try to find solace in the first open arms that you can find. Try to survive your divorce, understand the mistakes and move on, thanking the woman for the experience she gave you. And do not be offended by the person you love. Remember that in any separation, two are to blame. And your guilt in a divorce is no less than that of your wife. Staying with your former lover is not worth friends. Such relationships will weigh you down. Do not take old relationships into a new life.

Masha Kovalchuk

00:00 5.11.2015

What is it: another crisis or a love boat crashed and cannot be restored? What if one such thought creeps into my head? How to live on? Psychologist Lesya Kovalchuk helped to understand this issue.

Tales often end with the phrase: "And they lived happily ever after." And not one of them describes in detail what exactly happened after the prince on a white horse took the princess away. Princess, how did you actually live? Has your prince turned over the years into a tyrant or a drunkard king from another fairy tale, and you into an evil queen? Did you continue to love each other or just pretend? Did it ever cross your mind that your old feelings for your husband had faded away, and that the neighbor knight had really nothing? Did you throw a quarrel in the heat of it: “That's it, I'm divorcing you! I’m taking half the kingdoms and goodbye!”

After conducting a small opinion poll among friends and forums, I found out this. The phrase "I stopped loving my husband" is pronounced (aloud or mentally) in several cases. The first is when, with all external well-being, boredom sticks. Your wings are securely packed and gather dust somewhere on the mezzanines, butterflies have not fluttered in your stomach for a long time, yesterday it looks like today, tomorrow it will be the same. The second - when a certain event, act or series of actions occurred, which one of the parties cannot forgive the other.

Not everyone can slam the door, pack things, put the children in a minivan and leave for a happy future, as happens in American films. And how many love boats crashed about life? More precisely, because of disagreements over whose turn it is to walk with the dog and who should take out the trash? And there is another fourth case: when it seems that a new, freshly met man is love for life.

I have been married 13 years. Or 14? I do not remember. The idea of \u200b\u200bFrancois Larochefoucaud for some reason seems to me sound and close: "There are successful marriages, but there are no marriages delightful."

And from myself I’ll add: there was no corrosive editor (preferably with a censorship manners) for the one who came up with the myth of the only eternal love and soul mate. Because of this, our sister got a lot of cones for herself. Will explain. The nameless author had to be given the right to an error in the search - they say, she is not alone, there are many of them - someone is more than your soul mate, someone less. And, most importantly, to expand the concept: to tell that the love of two changes over the years, moving to another stage.

This does not mean that she is no more. She is also growing up. And passion really only lives for three years - and there is a scientific explanation for this: hormones are all a matter. We are used to believing that if you really fell in love - it’s forever, the feelings will be as vivid as in the first months and years. This is not true. In the equation of marriage, love is a variable, not a constant ...

Story 1

Lyudmila, 24 years old

He is my first love

The fact that there is love at first sight, I know firsthand - that was exactly what happened to me. We met with eyes, standing in line with documents to the selection committee, and his eyes seemed to light a spark somewhere inside me. I don’t remember the moment of the acquaintance - everything turned out somehow by itself - by the evening I was sitting in their dorm room, singing songs with a guitar. The first kiss happened on the first day of dating, and the first sex on the next. In the morning I looked out the window and saw a huge inscription on the pavement: "Lyuda, I love you!" It was like a carousel whirling around us. The most difficult thing was to leave in the evening: you had to leave his hostel before 21.00.

To spend the whole night together seemed impossible, inconceivable luxury. And once Volodya suggested: let's get married, they give the family a separate room ... The next day we filed an application to the registry office - exactly one month has passed since we met. I didn’t have a wedding dress, he didn’t have a suit. There were our cheerful friends who gave us a tent and tickets to the Crimea. My parents were shocked when I, an eighteen-year-old freshman, showed them a passport with a stamp and announced that “a” is now married (by the way, get acquainted, this is Volodya) and “b” - I am leaving to live with my legal spouse. To the hostel. Of course, mom clutched at her heart, dad - at valerian, and all together - for me ...

The fact of my marriage hurt my parents a lot, they blocked all financial income and stopped talking to me. Volodya's parents helped us - they would hand over a bag of potatoes, or a can of lard. Volodya, to somehow feed the two of us, unloaded the cars at night. Sometimes we had nothing to eat, but we were indecent, carelessly happy ... Until I became pregnant, having mixed up something with safe days. We saved on condoms. The question arose: what to do next. Give birth to? I really wanted it. Only now Volodya reacted to my pregnancy differently. He told me that this is not the time, we need to get on our feet, then ... We didn’t have money even for a good doctor - I had an abortion in a student clinic, complications started. In a word, it hurt to have sex. Volodya was very nervous about this fact, but I was insulted to tears. Over time, the resentment more or less smoothed out, the relationship seems to have improved. With grief in half, we graduated from the university, my parents, resigned to the fact of my marriage, bought us an apartment - it would seem, all that is needed for happiness.

We both got a job, established a way of life, even got a cat and a cactus. As for the child, Volodya is still adamant: "Here, we’ll buy a bigger apartment, the child will not fit in odnushka, you need to earn money for the child while we pursue a career." Yes, he and I were not experiencing such difficulties, only he, it seems, had already forgotten this. And alright, that cut off his wonderful long hair, began to wear a suit. It seems to me that that Vovka, whom I loved, is no more. Someone who could buy me a bouquet of flowers for the last money, and then go on foot through the whole city after he accompanied me. The one who with his bare hands tore me roses right on the flowerbed near the City Council, and then ran away from the police.

The romance has disappeared from our relationship, I forgot the last time I was given flowers. In the evenings, my husband stays at a computer until late all day, disappears at work, and sometimes I cry in my pillow, I am so sorry for what happened five years ago - that crazy, vivid feeling that we seem to have lost ... And yesterday I once in my life I pretended to have a headache.

Comments psychologist Lesya Kovalchuk:

In Goethe: "Feelings do not deceive, deceive the judgments made on them." Lyudmila fell in love for the first time in her life. The result was absolutely predictable - after a while, the feeling of love disappeared, and in his place came a state of affection. Over the years, grievances accumulated, layered everyday situations. The result - she does not feel her partner as in her early youth. The family came to the first serious crisis. And the crisis is the moment when the couple begins to realize, evaluate their relationship. For the first time, they can sit down and discuss openly what has happened between them all this time and is happening now - without any complaints, accusations, build a constructive dialogue.

For young people, a specialist would be a good help - a couple who still does not have positive experience in solving problems, probably can not cope with this, slide into grievances, accusations, claims - a banal scandal and a decision on divorce.

The family of Volodya and Lyudmila has prospects. But in order to develop them, you need to look at the current situation soberly, through the eyes of people who may have still preserved a feeling for each other - not love, but love. And love is a serious basis to start all over again. Their relationship can be very constructive - they can agree on how they would like to show feelings for each other. True, for this Lyudmila needs to understand herself. How would she want her husband to show love and care for her? How will she understand that the other is showing these feelings? You need to understand this for yourself, and then entrust this intimate secret to the person with whom she wants to continue the relationship.

Story 2

Zoryana, 33 years old

Married a childhood friend

Dima, my husband, is the son of my mother’s close friend, we grew up in the same sandbox, lived in the neighborhood. As long as I can remember, my mother always set it as an example: watch how she helps her mother around the house, watch how she takes care of her younger sister, watch, study for just five! I didn’t even perceive Dima as a potential gentleman, he was very “right” and prudent - to the tedium. He was my best friend. I could always fix what’s broken and help move the sofa, help wallpaper the wallpaper. In a word, one could always count on him.

And mother continued: take a closer look, a guy from a good family, reliable, well-mannered, already helps his father well in business, does not drink, does not smoke. And Aunt Galya, his mother complained - say, Dima doesn’t have a girl, everything is waiting ... Probably, you! In short, our mothers struggled to make up our happiness. I was friends with older children, they had a team that played at weddings and restaurants.

I liked Andrey - the guy had already returned from the army, for me, a tenth grader, he seemed an adult. He was so unlike my peers! Andrei was going to organize his own group and leave for the capital and, of course, become famous. Everything was said about him - that he indulges in weed, for example, that he has undergone treatment for bad illnesses more than once, that he joined the army in order not to go to prison. These rumors did not bother me much. There were always a lot of women around him - a black-haired, broad-shouldered handsome man in a leather jacket, was enjoying wild success on his own brand new motorcycle. I don’t even know why he paid attention to me. Once I was sitting with friends in a cafe where they played in the evenings, he took a microphone and said: "I want to dedicate this song to the beautiful girl who is present here." He sang, looking at me, it was Mishel Beatles: "I love you, I love you, I love you!"

I kissed him first. We met for a whole week, however, things didn’t go beyond kisses. I left to enter, but did not get enough points, I had to go to the correspondence department. It even made me happy - I could be with him. But, while I went to do it, every day he was seen with a girl, the daughter of a local power worker. Everything turned out to be true. He was about to marry ...

On my birthday Dima came with roses and champagne, we sat for a long time at the entrance on the bench, talking. I felt so good with him - then I finally realized that I needed such a person. Suddenly, I looked at him with completely different eyes. A year later, I became his wife. Ten years passed smoothly and quietly. We have never even quarreled. Dima built a house, expanded the parent business. We have two weather kids. I am calm and reliable with him. I felt this especially clearly when he was busy with the children, when he took them away on the weekend, so that I could sleep longer, when he sat over me for several days, when I got to the hospital with appendicitis, when he insisted that I leave the low-paid job and took care of home and children. But we have nothing to talk about - except for everyday life and children, of course ...

Sometimes we, sitting by the fireplace, remain silent all evening. I always know what he will say for one reason or another, I know what he will do. It is an open book for me; for too long we have known each other. Recently, Andrey visited my page on the network. We began to communicate. We are talking about books, films. This has been happening for a month now. He said that he had recently divorced his wife, that marrying her was a mistake. It was as if I woke up, woke up from a dream, I remembered my 17 years. He wrote to me tonight: "And if something presses one soul, at night, in silence, at the fiery line of a burning star of the last flight, think of a world where you and I will be ..." They say that old love does not rust. I don’t know what to do next.

Psychologist Comment:

The conditions under which the relations of this couple began to develop have developed, to put it mildly, not in favor of Zoryana. Firstly, mothers influenced - this is in the teenage period of denial, and secondly, during this period a more vibrant personality arose that did not treat her feelings very well.

He and Dima have a deep feeling and very great prospects. In fact, that bright world that she finds in virtual communication with Andrey, she can find in her family, with Dima.
She was used to using the opportunities and services that he provides, and in return to give nothing, not to work on relationships, on herself. She needs to be more courageous, spontaneous and, like any man, he will respond to feelings directed towards him. After all, it is a woman who offers a man a relationship scenario.

There are four spaces on which the pair’s relationship stands - let's call them “whales”. The first is what each of them brought from his family, from his own kind. The second is their past partners. The third is that which was and is between them. Their sex, children, their common history. But there is a fourth, only it gives the couple the opportunity to develop a relationship.

This is what drives them forward, something that captivates the two of them. And if this is not the case, after a while the steam begins to boil in its own juice. Travel, chess, photography, floriculture, building a house, a common business - these are the options for organizing this space. In a word, Zoryans need to figure out how to get carried away by herself and carry away her husband. And if she is aiming for a new relationship, understand what consequences this will have for her.

Is she ready to answer for them in front of herself, in front of her children, in front of Dima, who trusts her. If not, you need to think about what can be changed. To do this, she has all the resources and capabilities. And by the way, there is no guarantee that under the favorable circumstances with Andrei, he will not become the same bore, and everything will not be repeated according to the previous scenario.

Story 3

Vita, 40 years old

Holiday romance ended in marriage

Anton and I met on vacation in Turkey. This was my first trip abroad - my dad gave me a ticket to my 25th birthday. At breakfast Anton sat down with me - it turned out that we were from the same city and he was also here alone. “A handsome man,” I thought. “Why not, after all, a spa romance does not oblige you to anything.” Already in the evening we danced in a disco, at night I was in his room. This went on for ten days. I flew away a day earlier, decided not to arrange farewells - why? Indeed, spa novels have no continuation. Although, I will not hide, I fell in love before losing my pulse. I don’t know how, but he found me. And I realized that I met the best man in my life. I could not believe that all this was happening to me. We had the most beautiful wedding in the city!

... They “ran into” him, he was forced to cede business and move to the capital. According to him, he decided to earn extra money and return with time, but there wasn’t even a word about our move with the children. Say, children should live at home, and not in a rented apartment, and communicate with grandparents, and not with a nanny. But he told me that with my qualifications in Kiev in life a job could not be found. (I am an accountant.)

Five years we live in different cities. Anton worked first in Kiev, then left for Kazakhstan, returned to the capital again. We have a marriage in the distance. And is it a marriage? First, Anton came every month, then less and less. The last time I saw him six months ago. True, he sends money regularly ... At first, I was terribly bored, called him every night, talked for an hour or two. And now ... Recently, when he did not come for the New Year, I thought that maybe it was for the best. After putting the children to bed, I took out our family album, looked at the photographs for a long time, and recalled. And then she said to herself: I don’t love him anymore. I used to live without him. Thoughts about him no longer cause either joy or pain - everything came to naught. And I don’t know if he’s coming back now, whether we have a chance to fix everything. In five years we have become strangers. Perhaps, and quite likely, he has another woman.

Three years ago I decided to surprise him - I arrived without warning and called from the station. He was very angry, although he tried not to show it. But I understood everything from my voice. He arrived two hours later, drove me to some room, which, according to him, was renting. But there were practically no things there ... My sister says that my option is not the worst yet. Say, many not only drink, but also beat, not to mention the fact that they don’t really earn. Anton loves children, provides us well. But I’m only 40, I want to be loved, I don’t want to sign up as a nun and grow old alone ...

Psychologist Comment:

“A spa romance does not oblige you to anything” - this is how the heroine reacted to her relationship with a man. Irresponsible position ... She gave the command to herself and to this relationship. It seems that her man completely agreed with her attitude and began to comply with her. In fact, the futility of the spa novel is a stereotype ...

When their already created family faced the first serious test, they had to work together, together, to find a way out of this situation. Love is an equal to equal relationship. And if one decides for the other, it upsets the balance or hides deception.

Vita is not used to building a scenario of her own life - she lives as she is offered. I went to rest because my dad bought a ticket, got married - because her future husband found her, lived 15 years under the dictation of her husband, because it was so convenient. When she took a serious step, she came to him and realized that they were not waiting for her, this should have stimulated her to act. But in three years she did nothing.

Perhaps because she has a psychological attitude dictated by the family scenario - her relationship with a man does not imply depth and responsibility. It does not seem that she was very interested in how he felt, having lost the business, how he was making money, where he got the money from, so that he could regularly send it to her and the children.

The prognosis of the relationship between Vita and Anton, alas, is unfavorable. She needs to work on the settings. Ask yourself: did my past relationship suit me? What kind of relationship do I want? What can I do for this today? And to answer these questions, you need to at least just start thinking about it! After all, Vita has every chance to start a new life and be happy.

Why love breaks

Psychologists name several reasons why a marriage of loving people does not work out.

• Error in choosing a partner. More often it occurs when the partners are very young. At the same time, passion drives the lovers, not the conscious choice of a person with similar ideas about life values. It may turn out that the principles are simply incompatible. For example, the husband believes that the wife’s place is in the kitchen, and the wife is going to pursue a career. Or the wife hopes for partnerships that all concerns will be shared equally. The husband is sure that in the family he is the main point. Irritation accumulates, the result is literally everything annoying and annoying in the partner - how he dresses, sneezes, snores. The list goes on and on.

Worth reading: the book "Five Languages \u200b\u200bof Love" by Gary Champen, "The Love Story" by D. Gray.

• Emotional immaturity. What reasons dominated marriage? Is love and desire to take responsibility for another? The reasons are often different: an attempt to escape from the family, pay off debts, live separately, get legal sex, and get rid of loneliness. Every week is always followed by weekdays - everyday problems will have to be solved every day, decisions made. But it is not so easy to give up one's premarital habits, it is not easy to put up with the partner’s habits, there is not enough patience and tolerance. And loving people do not want to understand and forgive each other, causing pain. At this stage, one (or both) asks themselves the questions: “What should I do?”, “Do I need this person?”, “What will I have to give up in order to be with him?”, “And to him?” Not everyone is looking for answers. It’s easier to declare a marriage and meeting with this person a mistake. Indeed, ahead is surely a new love. Only here the risk is high that it will develop according to the old scenario.

Worth seeing: the films “On the other side of the bed”, “For family reasons”, “Vanity of vanities”.

• The crisis. Strictly speaking, crises in the family model are inherently laid down - these are developmental crises. The first year of family life, the birth of the first and second child, adolescence, the departure of children from the family. The rest of the reasons psychologists call "stressors" - all kinds of tests that life throws up to the family. Loss of work, career growth of one of the spouses, etc. The crisis due to stressors is more often a crisis of communication, misunderstanding - about 80% of cases. If the problem is not solved, loving people do not seek compromise and ways to each other, the crisis turns into a sluggish state - the aggravation will inevitably come, the bowl will overflow.
• It's time to recall two basic human instincts: self-preservation (mostly) and procreation (sexual). If you don’t feel calm with this person (you are hurt, suppressed and absorbed), emotional closeness, admiration for a partner, and respect for him disappear. And sex may be completely absent - you're busy with defense. But roses do not grow in a theater of war.

Worth seeing: the films "The War of the Spouses Rose", "Eyes Wide Shut."

To leave or stay?

Does your marriage have a chance? Is this the end or a deep crisis that can still be overcome? It will be easier for you to understand this by honestly answering the following questions to yourself.

1. What feelings did you have for this man at the very beginning of your romance? Just when everything was just beginning. What brought you together? This question is necessary to realize what motive motivated you, when you started these relationships, created them.
2. What did you like most about the chosen one? How did he conquer you? Masculinity, care, gentleness, intelligence, generosity ... When people doubt whether to stay together or not, going to this point, they begin to list the data that they have responded to in their chosen one, and refuse it, forget about it, cross it out, it is very difficult . This is what was important to you and remains important! And these qualities remained in him! But it was they who attracted you to him, you responded to them as a woman. By the way, the set of qualities by which a woman evaluates a man practically does not change her whole life.
3. What good have you lived (not acquired!) Together during your marriage? List all that you have experienced in marriage with this man. When we think about whether the marriage has ended or not, whether to continue or not continue the relationship, the first thing that happens is often the bad - resentment, omissions ... This is how our brain works - we better remember the bad. We need to reconfigure it, focusing on the good: we went on a trip, brought a child from the hospital, took him to first grade, built a house together, bought a car and survived enchanting emotions when they drove her home. It is necessary to recall these events in detail.
4. How has this marriage affected my personality? For example, you have become more beautiful, maybe thanks to this man, this relationship you opened up as a woman, or you became more economical, or you started to cook well, or you learned such an important quality as patience ... this is important! You need to realize the whole positive that this relationship has brought you. It is on him that you will be able to rely in future relationships - with this or another person. Find what you can say thank you to your partner.
5. What do you imagine your family in five, ten, fifteen, twenty years from now? This is very important for a couple who doubts the prospect of a relationship - imagine, draw a picture of the future, when you grow old together, when the children leave the house. What will your life be like: a house, interests, what you will do, what your life will be like. Immerse yourself in this picture - you will understand a lot.
6. What would you like to add to your relationship? What prevents them from developing? Think about something new you can bring to a relationship? Maybe you need to listen to each other more, trust more. Actually, this question should always be asked to all couples at the time of the crisis, when you have reached some point. What needs to be done to switch it? What is stopping you? And, if this issue is brought to the level of awareness, if you start thinking and talking about it, you will take a huge step forward, you will have a chance to free yourself from the ballast in relationships and take them to a new level.
7. What are you ready to change or overcome in the name of a new relationship with your former husband? For example, listen more than speak, notice positive traits in it, praise more often ...

NB! What if that’s all, does it make sense to work on relationships? To understand this, a simple question will help: "What emotions does the thought of this person evoke in me?"

A sign of completeness of a relationship is when you feel only gratitude towards it. If there is resentment, anger, longing - in a word, both positive and negative emotions, this means that the relationship is not completed.

So, this is a crisis that can be overcome!

P. S. Breaking, as you know, is not to build. Before you destroy anything, think about whether you are ready to blow up in an hour what you have been building for years? Do you have the mental strength to do it again? Only you know what your husband means to you. Was the marriage decision erroneous, are you on the right track now ... Understand if this is another crisis that can be overcome, or is it much more serious ... You have to find the answers yourself.

Photo in text: Shutterstock.com

A woman finds herself in a difficult situation when her previous feelings for her husband have passed. There is no more spark, there is nothing. It is difficult to collect thoughts in your head and decide to inform your husband about it. First of all, it’s scary to injure a person, it is not known how he will behave: he will begin to swear, will become depressed, will become a threat.

To begin with, a woman must determine the reason why such a change in her relationship with her husband took place. Perhaps everyday routine, lack of children, misunderstanding, dissatisfaction with sexual life, material problems led to frustration and fading of feelings. It is important to understand for yourself whether it is possible to recreate the euphoria that reigned in the first years of life together. It is not necessary to immediately declare the breakup. Confidential relations should be established between spouses. It is necessary to be able to conduct a dialogue with each other and always discuss pressing issues so that they do not accumulate from year to year. By joint efforts it is possible to make the fire of love kindle again, which has gone out.

The reason is in another man

It is possible that the reason that a woman fell out of love with her husband lies in another man. No one is safe from such cases. Sometimes love, which seemed eternal and immense, passes through the fault of a third person. A classic situation where a woman lacked attention from her husband, and she was ready to give everything in order to feel herself desired, needed again. And this “lifeline” was another man.

The right time to tell everything

If the final decision on separation is made, you should choose the right time to calmly explain everything to your husband. Such a decision should be delayed if the husband is in a state of professional crisis and is seriously ill. If there was even a drop of respect between the spouses, then you should not finish it off with your confessions. In any case, you can do everything as gently and correctly as possible so as not to injure a person.

It is worth remembering that the bitter truth is better than a lie. It’s hard to wake up with an unloved person every day. This is a real test. If a husband really loves his wife, he will immediately notice a change in her behavior. In this case, it is better not to hide, but to tell everything as it is. It is easier to make a decision to leave when there are no common children, because there is no additional responsibility.