Psychology of loneliness: why do not you have a relationship with men. Relationships do not develop and you are discouraged

From letters to Samprosvetvet Bulletin:
“If the relationship does not work out or it does not go as expected, I quickly become discouraged and worry for a long time. I understand myself that I am exaggerating the tragedy of many situations and it’s easier to look at things, but in reality it’s not working out yet, ”writes Olga from Moscow.

“Now I don’t have a relationship with my friend, he always says that he’s busy, but I suppose the worst. How to cope with despondency and apathy? Are there any psychological tricks? ”-writes Alena from Kiev.

Sometimes it seems to us that the situation is hopeless and we become discouraged. As a rule, we are confident in the accuracy of our perception and interpretation of the event. In psychology, a phenomenon is known that the German gestalt psychologist K. Dunker called functional fixation. It consists in the fact that we are inclined to consider our problem in only one way, from one point of view and fixate on the idea that this is the true state of affairs and do not see alternative possibilities.

Being fixed on one idea hinders the solution of the problem. To solve a problem, it is necessary to change its perception, try to look positively at the situation or at the cause of the event. When we change our point of view, we begin to react differently to the situation itself.

One of the basic principles of positive psychotherapy and psychology, expressed by the German psychotherapist N. Peseshkian, the principle of hope, helps to change the point of view. A positive approach uses hope as a medicine to solve problems and improve relationships.

The principle of hope is that we begin any analysis of a problem by highlighting its positive aspects. In its methods, positive psychology relies on a person’s ability to cope with problems and teaches self-help on the principle: “If you need a helping hand, then look for it at the end of your own hand!” Acquiring the skill of positive interpretations is an effective technique for helping oneself.

Based on the concepts of positive psychotherapy, it is not the one who does not have psychological problems who is healthy, but the one who knows how to cope with them.

Looking at life positively does not mean at all that you need to look at everything through the “pink glasses” and avoid looking the truth into the eyes. The name of positive psychology comes from the Latin positum, which means "real, given, available," and this, first of all, is the ability and undisclosed potential of a person.

I know that when women do not add up, they quickly become discouraged, lose their temper under the yoke of circumstances, and long experience failure. At first, they hardly believe that the habit of finding a positive interpretation of what is happening can improve the mental state and relationship. But having tried this simple method in their life, they are convinced of its effectiveness.

Before you analyze the problem and decide what to do, answer your questions:

What positive aspects does your problem have? What are the benefits?

Problem	What are the positive aspects of the problem and what are the benefits?
Shyness	The ability to restrain myself and act on my own conviction: if I do not endanger myself, then I will have nothing to fear from being hurt.
Potency Disorder	The ability to distance oneself from the conflict sphere of sexuality.
Aggressiveness	The ability to respond to something is spontaneous, emotional and disinhibited.
Depression	Ability to respond to conflicts with deep emotionality.
Kleptomania	The ability to find something before another loses it.
Jealousy	The ability to love without deserving love for oneself through one’s behavior.
Stubbornness	Ability to say no, object to authorities
Laziness	Ability to avoid the requirements of achievement.
Promiscuity	The ability to ignore or oppose accepted norms.
Frigidity	The ability to say no with your body.
Masochism	The ability to enable the partner to enjoy.
Sadism	The ability to take an active role.
Bedwetting (enuresis)	The ability to cry the lower half of the body.
Cowardice	Ability to avoid threatening situations, objects and subjects

You too can learn to find positive interpretations. The following exercises will help you with this:

1. Read the parable and compare among themselves the fate of two interpreters of dreams. Which interpreter would you like to be in?

Parable "The King and the Dream"
One eastern king had a terrible dream. He dreamed that all his teeth fell out one by one. Worried, he called his interpreter of dreams. He anxiously listened to the dream and told the king: “I must tell you the sad news. Just as you have lost your teeth, one by one you will lose all your relatives. ” The interpretation angered the king. He commanded the prophet to be thrown into prison. Then he called for another interpreter of dreams. This one, after listening to a dream, said: "I am happy that I can tell you the good news: you will become older than all your relatives, you will outlive them all." The king was happy and richly awarded the interpreter of dreams. The courtiers were surprised at this: “After all, you did not add anything new to what your poor predecessor said. And how did it happen that he was punished and you were awarded?” They asked. The dream interpreter replied: “We both interpreted the dream the same way. But the point is not only what to say, but how to say it. ”

“The Father's complex can set up hell in undoubted women. The part of this complex can be absolute and effectively isolate women from a contact with her own foppish spirit ”

  [Freiser Boa. A dream of a dream.]

The father, as the first man, met in life, has a decisive influence on the little girl. If the relationship with him slipped apart, the girl’s reaction to her father’s backside is extremely negative. With this, a father can be an objectively good person. It turns out that a girl just doesn’t love him. We will not concern the fine figures, let’s take a closer look at the feelings of the girl and her further “affair”, however, when she is no longer.

As a rule, a girl who does not love her father, is experiencing difficulties in communication and in relations with men. And also the opening in the opening of one’s own male side, in the opening of one’s internal male (Animyca) and engaging in it. Therefore, we need to "run" with our internal male, I will read a little lower, and while we will settle the external side: Relations with real men.

Of course, she will be afraid of them. If the first man was yo-yo-yo-yo, all men in the light. The extreme case is that the girl can change the sexual option. For a different severity of negative impressions, the girl will try to push the man off the pedestal completely, but on the other hand, he may be short-circuited. It will be copied with the men, thrown them a call, knocked out and criticized. She will wait for food, and, in accordance with the projection of identification (about it is a little sewn away), the man will be quiet.

A girl who is in need of the influence of a negative negative complex often carries an odd game. Jungian analysts call women in this game a gangster anime. The girls in this area first attacked the men, say the numbers, just make them out, and when they say “delivery”, they become “dead” oily. Gangster receiver - set yourself a little girl and, due to her back, attack him. On the one hand, the male is a little small, sensitive cry, with the other, a predatory horn, ready to flail in the throat. Men, for this reason, are VERY UNCENTRATED, since as a result, he almost feels like a woman who causes female tears.

And now, for us, girls, to run with a proper animation. Our proprietary competency may be a problem for us. As a rule, we are committed to ourselves, just as our father has committed ourselves to us. We are the owner of his behavior, established on the deep layers of the psyche. If the father was tyrant and supportive, a woman would be dissatisfied with herself, and she herself would be in a position to relate, instead of being reprimanded.

A negative animayk is manifested as a direct resistance to any manifestations of the feeling of love. He is trying to cut us, a girl, from any relationship that is built on this surface. In this way, we don’t understand what we are doing and why we have been eternally trying to correct scandals instead of reminiscences. If a woman is interested in men, her negative animyc is manifested and spreads them.

Men, remember that if a woman has a chance to love you, she will always breathe to you. She would like to love you. She does not know how.

A typical example is waiting for a phone call from a new, well-known person: “Will you call me back? Call me? He will take notice of me, will consider that I am imposing ". In this case, having waited for the last time to return the phone, the girl behind it deliberately keeps the phone at a standstill. Her inner man says to her: “They laugh at you, be the first.” Or another example. My running to the left. A woman is ready to cry and cry, she is hurt, and these manifestations are natural. Ho begins to say “lawyer” with the male, the female side: “So it will not work. We are divisible, because you have changed me!” Bce. A cold paksidok and a male position at a question - the manifestations of animeca. A man and would like to keep the marriage, but how to live with a “man”?)) It would probably have been his own, otherwise, being a woman in her own right. And emotional.

The beginning of the recognition of one’s true thoughts, emotions and feelings is a step towards acquiring the proper identity and viability. You can be different every moment of your life. To be a girl, a partner, a support, and so on. If you control these parts and conditions, you are in harmony with your internal images of the soul, not always dependent on them. A if not ...

The appearance of animyca on your territory you can track by your pikam, who have been stifling you in the side, by expression, by the finger, in addition to the eye, In this case, everything happens with you without your permission. And such a bell-ringing sound of “iron ...” under the skirt of jeans.

How to trace thoughts in your own head and calculate the “catch the theory” animum? Bocpoc is not easy. LATER TIME, WE ARE TOO ALLOWED FROM EVERYTHING THAT IT IS NOT RELATED TO THINKING. For example, from our body. I even took the example of the body reactions to the manifestation of an external man, a little to track them easier than thought.

For those who are ready to try to make them feel better, but not to think about it, I suggest opening the “inside cat” in myself. Especially if it is your dream. The cat is a woman, and at the same time, she is the surface and the surface. The cat, as opposed to the dog, has never given up on his person. Having an egocentric reserve, it is very good, and very true.

And, most importantly. Forgive the Father. Enjoy your freedom.

And, if you say “long ago” and then you press the mushrooms and swallow the lump in the throat, even do not turn the loudspeaker in the open. Your body and so says to you that they are not there, as well as the forgiveness of your offender.

Difficult Still.

It’s good that you can go this way if you choose to hold it for someone else to do it.

Good afternoon. I’m 45 years old, single and never married, have a daughter (in the fall she will be 20 years old, mom is a pensioner, brother is disabled. In youth, they haven’t been friends with guys for more than 3 months, they all evaporated, without quarrels or what There are explanations. The child’s father left me pregnant without any explanation - you are good, wonderful, but .... I couldn’t meet anyone for a long time, met a man 10 years ago, he’s married. There is no way to reach a new level of relationship. I don’t get to know others, and there are no people who want to get to know me. of duties: mom needs help, because she lives in a private house, there is a big garden and I spend her days off. My daughter needs to be taught, therefore she needs to work, work and work. There’s no time for personal life, and if there’s any time rare meetings, then my daughter, in spite of a good attitude towards my friend, reacts to his visits in a proprietary manner towards me.If I do not have time to help someone from my relatives or I put off help because of the time I devote to my desires, then then I feel guilty. Because of my constant employment and meeting with a man, I’m rare and I can’t meet someone, and I also can’t get out of this circle. It seems like an adult, but I'm afraid to offend either my mother or daughter, although I understand that I have nothing to apologize for. What do I need to change in myself or how to get rid of guilt for pieces of happiness?

Hello Irina!
In my opinion, you allow you to violate your borders. You are an adult and you certainly have the right to build your life the way you want, and not to nurse the adults around you. Your daughter is 20 years old, she is able to at least somehow work and at least partially pay for her studies (and in the garden to help you too, by the way). But for some reason you prefer to drag everything on yourself. How do you build your life so that you realize the desires of other people and forget about yourself? Daughters want to learn, but you pay. Mom wants to have a big garden, and you work on it. Maybe, after all, the time has come to think a little about yourself, about your personal time, about your happiness? Give your daughter part of the responsibility for her material support - then you will not need to work so much. Arrange with your mother that the size of the garden will be reduced. Leave only as much as you can do without tearing yourself. Have some pity on yourself. Of course, in this way of life there are many secondary benefits - you feel necessary, irreplaceable, etc. But how much more will suffice you?

Bondareva Svetlana Pavlovna, psychologist of Almaty

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Hello Irina, your priorities are in the countdown, first all your relatives, then your daughter, men and at the very end you yourself. You are forty-five years old, you are adult and self-sufficient, but you still behave as a person who must apologize to everyone, ask for help, and always feel all due. This indicates your low self-esteem, the pressure on you in the education in your childhood. Everyone is comfortable that you put the interests of all above their own. But the fact is that until you yourself have learned to love and respect yourself, you won’t be able to attract this from others. All members of your family are accustomed to the fact that you dissolve in them, and everyone already requires more attention to themselves (the daughter, despite her good attitude to my acquaintance, reacts to his visits in a proprietary manner towards me.). Until you change yourself and your attitude to yourself, everyone will control you through your hypersensitivity to guilt and duty. If you can hear me right now, the quality of your life will change and new events will come into your life. The fact that you wrote a letter already says that you yourself understand that your life is not quite right and this is the first good signal that you are ready for a change. Do not go out of your way and if necessary

Why does it happen so often - you do something, but you get only a short break, and then the usual one again catches up with you. Fools, liars, losers. No money, no happiness, no love. Everything is shockingly bad or insanely sad.

One of the reasons for the "vicious circle" is that external reality reflects the events of the inner world. For this, there are definitely objects. People and situations. Own appearance is also suitable. Even natural phenomena are suitable, in extreme cases.

What does it look like

“Winter is called. The end of December, but there was no snow, and there isn’t ”: dissatisfaction, feel?

“Where are you going, Lord! You need to look forward, bury yourself on the phone ... ": a man is angry, right?

“They bought cool cars, but forgot to buy the right”: most likely, they envy.

“The cameras need to be installed everywhere - both in the entrance, and in the elevator, and in front of the apartment”: it seems to be afraid.

“Nothing helps and will not help me, it is useless to be treated”: this is how desperation manifests itself.

“I’ll grow my hair, I’ll look completely different and then ...”: but then, it turns out, we need to correct our lips, reduce our nose, enlarge our breasts, etc. - this is how internal deficiency, insufficiency can manifest itself.

When it comes to important decisions, it’s quite a good idea to consider not only rational pros and cons, but also emotional ones. That is, to hear - how is it inside. In everyday life there is no time to think about it, but it's a pity. Do you know why sorry?

What's happening

We “hang” our fortune on someone or something outside. Not on purpose. This is how the psyche works: it protects itself from something disturbing. When protection is used without fanaticism - it's okay, so you digest the internal situation. Take it as if "suddenly" and restore order in the drawers. Or in the whole house, finally. Then you look: and thoughts settled down on the shelves.

Another thing is when the protective process takes on the scale of a disaster, and you, unnoticed by yourself, constantly get rid of unbearable (for some reason) feelings, “distributing” them to the right and left. Because the reverse side of the process is this: the more internal content you throw away, the more your “I” is depleted.

Returning to the cleaning example. An attempt to cope with internal chaos, bringing cleanliness in an apartment, can turn into an obsessive repetition. A person will not go to bed until he rinses: shelf after shelf, room after room, boot after boot, and so on - day after day. It just doesn't get any easier for him.

Why do people shun you

One misfortune of over-projecting - not wanting it ourselves, we are ruining our own “I”. Because getting rid of intolerable feelings, we leave a void inside ourselves - holes in our own psyche.

Another trouble - we are destroying relationships with others. Neither nature, nor weather, nor their own appearance, nor the body can object to us. They cannot get away from projections. But people - close and not very - will try to reduce communication to nothing. Few people enjoy being projected. No one wants to be a target vessel for someone else's helplessness, insecurity, longing, or anger. Because it is, at a minimum, unpleasant, and a maximum, it is difficult. Therefore, when we only do what we project, our relations with loved ones first become extremely tense, and then everything flies into tartaras. We are alone.

Projections: how to deal with them

There are two people whose purpose is to help us deal with ourselves and our feelings - a mother and a psychotherapist.

While the child is growing, at his disposal is the mother or the one who replaces her. When a child is in the grip of emotions, when his emotions go wild, the mother, figuratively speaking, accepts them and returns them in a form that is tolerable to him. The kid learns to experience what is happening to him, to transform the intolerable into the transferable.

The second person to receive projections is a specially trained specialist, psychologist. Thanks to his knowledge and skills, he accepts your projections and helps (1) see the fact of the projection itself, (2) understand what exactly you are projecting and (3) why you are forced to resort to painful projection. Working with a psychologist returns aspects of the psyche previously expelled by you back, restores relationships with others. The attitude towards oneself and the attitude towards others ceases to be sent by countless projections.

He who seeks finds

When you have the resource to listen to yourself, you are able to take back your projections. Then you can realize that the search for a light melody on the phone is an attempt to get rid of the inner sadness, which may have become limitless. You see your sadness and do not try to throw it away or wave it away, give it the right to life. And she has a place in the corner (or not in the corner, but in the very center) of your soul. Maybe this place will need a lot. But! The good news is that sadness ceases to be limitless and suffocating. Then there is a place for spring joy.

If you are weakened and have no idea which way to approach yourself, try contacting a psychologist. Although they do not give a magic pill, but what in the world just does not happen? Suddenly, a psychologist will still help. Are you ironic? Yes. And also? Yeah, I doubt it. Well, this is again about the inside.

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From a letter from Olga to Samprosvetbullette: - “ How to interest a man and make him start a hunt for me? Why are men afraid of beautiful and confident women? When I meet a man, on the next date I notice that the man feels awkward. I can’t describe the whole situation, the page isn’t enough for it, but I behave towards them very correctly and not defiantly. Why unpretentious simpletons are happier and more beloved? ”

If you are a beautiful woman and you do not have a relationship with men, then you are probably familiar with this problem and probably also wondered: how to behave with a man in such situations?

Self-esteem of men

When we try to understand why a man is afraid of beautiful and confident women, we often approach the issue superficially, writing off everything to the man’s self-esteem, although there is some truth to this. The first thing a man evaluates when meeting someone is appearance. A man’s reaction to a woman’s appearance depends on his self-esteem. The higher the self-esteem, the more a man is inclined to choose physically attractive women.

But the self-esteem of a man is only a small part of the problem.

Communication skills

From my practice, I noticed that even men with normal self-esteem can feel at ease with beautiful and confident women. Unfortunately, a man does not always get good communication skills with the opposite sex through education and upbringing, has a poor idea of \u200b\u200bhow to care for a woman, and is not familiar with female psychology.

Here are the confessions of a man: “... I don’t know how to behave so as not to offend her, not to scare her ... I need to meet certain standards and sometimes I feel awkward and awkward. It happened that I said something and the woman was offended ... "

Negative stereotype

Often in our judgments we follow stereotypes - erroneous generalizations. There is an opinion among men that beautiful and confident women are spoiled, capricious and emotionally unstable, because they are used to general attention and have more choices among men than other women. Especially committed to this stereotype are men who have had negative experiences with beauties. And least of all, a man wants to have a woman next to him, who will destroy his courageous composure with his whims and promiscuous emotions.

Here is a life example of how a man spoke about his relationship with a beautiful and confident woman: “ My girlfriend was a model, all men always paid attention to her, they constantly approached and offered a drink in the bar, tried to get to know each other, regardless of the fact that she was not alone. She constantly had to say that she was with a friend, and I had to drive everyone away from her. We were simply not allowed to spend time calmly. Every week she wanted to buy new clothes and I had to provide her with it, otherwise she would become unhappy. She was used to attention, admiration and constantly demanded it. This is all good for a short romance, but for a long relationship - it bothers and exhausts. I'm tired. Yes, it’s nice to have a beautiful woman next to me, but it’s not always a happy relationship ... now I pass the beauties by the side, I’m sure that you will never be happy with them ... ”

Are they really afraid? How to interest a man or what else does he need?

The fears of men are not always to blame for the solitude of beautiful and confident women.

Beautiful people attract attention to themselves without much effort, they stand out with their external data, they are nice and want to look at. So, a beautiful girl easily gets the attention of many men without making any effort. This is where the cause of the problem lies, because she does not learn to find and develop natural female techniques that are of interest to men. Girls with more average data have to adapt more to the situation and instinctively find methods that ensure male interest in them.

Often, we women talk about beautiful single women: what a beauty, and what more men need! And really what?

The fact is that we look at women differently than men. A man passes the image of a woman through his filter of sexual interest. And we look more from an aesthetic point of view. For us, a woman may look like a plain-looking simpleton, and for a man to be an object of desire.

A man has an interest in that woman who creates sexual tension and emotional excitement, with her appearance, manner of movement, communication, voice intonations, humor, intelligence. For all this, beauty is not so important, although fine if it is also present. More important is individuality, what makes a woman unusual, full of charm and sexual attractiveness.

A man begins to move toward a woman, or as Olga wrote, she decides " start the hunt"When experiencing sex drive. Often women have a negative attitude to the idea of \u200b\u200bsexual attraction, confusing it with the sexual act itself, considering it to be vulgar, fearing that it will provoke only an affair and will not lead to a long serious relationship. In fact, sexual attraction may not be at all connected with the sexual act itself and may occur in the most innocent situations and in the most neutral contexts. For example, during a conversation, exchange of views, when exchanging remarks.

If a beautiful woman does not know how to create sexual tension and emotional excitement between herself and a man, then she, as they say, “shines, but does not warm”, does not cause a desire to move towards her and seek her attention. A man “flies” into the light, that is, pays attention to a beautiful woman, but since she “does not warm,” he does not stay close for long.

There are women who, without possessing outstanding external data, naturally learn to arouse the interest of a man through influencing his imagination, acting on all his senses. Vision is affected by gait, gestures, expressive looks, clothes and accessories of the women's toilet, paying attention to attractive parts of the body. The timbre of the voice, the manner of conversation, unexpected intriguing remarks, easy communication, the ability to laugh beautifully or to sing some kind of motive influence the hearing. The smell is influenced by the aromas of a well-groomed body. In my article, I wrote about the vomeronasal organ and the role of odors. Touch is affected by spontaneous unexpected touches. It tastes like a joint meal in a romantic setting.

If you are a beautiful woman, but you think that men are afraid of you, train to create sexual tension causing excitement in men and they will begin to show more desire to “hunt” for you.

Answer your questions:

Do you know how to create a slight sexual tension using your voice, movements, conversation, humor? Do you know how to easily and naturally flirt and flirt with a man? What is your personality, how do you differ from other women? How predictable and ordinary are you? Do you know how to make a man laugh on a date, even if he is reserved and restrained?

Good luck and see you soon on the pages of Samprosvetvetbulotte!