Forgive me: how to ask for forgiveness and is it necessary? Why some people never apologize.

Sometimes it happens oh, how not just to say two completely uncomplicated words: “I AM SORRY”. Why some people never apologize, is it really so hard to say “sorry”. Let's delve a little into the psychology of apology, and our relationship with these words or their absence.

Some people refuse to say, I'm sorry, even when they are perfectly aware of their guilt, including cases where the misconduct is not so great, and it would seem that it is not at all difficult to take responsibility. Sometimes a simple “sorry” in a matter of seconds can prevent conflict, someone’s anger and negative emotions.

But ask for forgiveness ,   just like saying did I do something wrong. For some people, recognizing that they did something wrong is impossible. Even if they know that this is so, and even when they really regret their actions. It is strange to observe, but this unfortunate person may actually regret and still refuse to utter words, while acknowledging his repentance and correcting his wrong.

To acknowledge that we have made a mistake, a certain level of self-esteem and ego strength is required. It is very difficult for people who deeply doubt themselves to apologize for something specific, because one mistake can destroy their self-confidence. The idea that, once stumbled, you can still be a valuable and good person, is unattainable for someone whose opinion about themselves is greatly underestimated.

An apology is a recognition of wrong, which can provoke a huge com inadequacy and shame. Thus, to cause irreparable damage to the fragile representation that they have built about themselves. For a person with a damaged self-esteem, a recognized mistake can be tantamount to destruction. Just like the one who was innocently accused of as a child, who was told from a young age that he is responsible for every problem that arises and will accordingly be punished.

Having matured, such people, as a rule, go in one of two directions:

• either they apologize for all, even what they haven’t done yet,
• or they refuse to apologize for what -oreven that they alreadydone.

The latter consciously or unconsciously decide that they will never again accept the blame. They closed the door to all the locks. Such apologies are associated with their early experience of constant guilt. The unjust and unscrupulous responsibility imposed on them simply did not leave any psychological space for responsibility, even when appropriate.

There are also people with a low level of empathy who do not really regret that you have suffered from their actions. They believe that apologies are only suitable for situations in which they purposefully  hurt you. And you do not deserve any regret if you feel pain unintentionally provoked by them. And, therefore, technically there is no fault. Your pain, in itself, does not really matter and does not cause their sympathy.

There are many more reasons why some people cannot or will not apologize. For some, apologizing is too scary, sad, dangerous, it means being vulnerable. The list goes on and on.

To say I'm sorry is to admit that I care about how you feel, that I care, that it hurt you. I worry about you, in fact, wanting to drop my ego, stopping defending my version of myself. I care about you enough to accept my experience at this moment. I take great care of you, wanting to admit that I am imperfect.

Getting a sincere apology is an incredible gift. We feel heard, acknowledged, understood and valuable. Without thinking that these words can be painful for another. When another person looks into our eyes and apologizes for having hurt us through his actions or behavior, we feel loved and important.

When someone apologizes to us, we also feel that their frustration is justified and justified. The apologizer takes responsibility at a certain level for the result of his actions, whether intentional or not. And when this happens, our insides relax; we no longer have to fight to prove that our experience is true, that we have a right to our pain, and that it matters.

It is not about arousing pity for the beggar. And about accepting that we cannot change, and refusing to waste energy on fighting for an apology with someone who does not have the opportunity to give them to us.

When we are in pain, we need an apology to relax, move forward and let go of the pain. But sometimes, when we cannot get them, we need to learn how to relax on our own, without the help of another. Trusting and knowing that our pain deserves kindness, because it exists, and that our rightness is justified and valid, because it is our truth, is the beginning of our independent healing process.

Think of the deep value of simple and sincere regret. When you are lucky enough to receive a sincere apology, take it, feel the greatness of what this other person is offering, get his willingness to be vulnerable and accountable, to take care of you, and not about your own ego.

Also, when you have the opportunity to say that you are sorry, realize this chance to be generous, perhaps leaving your comfort zone. And feel the depth of the gift that you give.

Apologize and goodbye.

Material provided by the psychological center "Transfiguration"

Most people worry that others will think about them, constantly want to please someone, forgetting about their interests and needs. Why is this happening? After all, no one owes anything to anyone.

Often we find ourselves in some situations in which we feel guilty in front of someone. We apologize, but in some situations this is not necessary. Forgiveness is repentance from a pure heart. And in the modern world, it has already lost its basic idea.

After all, we apologize several times a day, without even noticing it. In the minibus, at work, at the university, just on the street, in supermarkets, in cinemas and other public places. We think that these are just elementary rules of etiquette, but we are mistaken. Do not say big words of repentance for nothing.

So in what cases can you not say words of forgiveness?

1. Never apologize for love.  What kind of guilt can we talk about, if it’s wonderful that you are capable of loving someone. Let it not even be mutual. But you are not to blame for anything. Take care of this feeling in yourself. They will love you too.
2. Do not apologize for denying someone anything.  You must be able to say no. You must respect yourself and are not required to do what you do not want.
3. Never apologize for your past.  After all, what was already passed. And unfortunately or fortunately it is impossible to change it. It makes no sense to apologize for this. It is simply important to live in the present, not to return to the past.
4. Do not say words of forgiveness for your imperfection, for the fact that you are. Be it a specific appearance or a hard character. You are what you are and let others accept you. It’s not his fault that he was born that way. Do not try on masks, be yourself. Do not try to please everyone.
5. Do not apologize for your own opinion.  Remember that you are a person and have your own point of view, and truth is born in a dispute. If you are clearly wrong, then be able to admit it.
6. No need to apologize for asking for help.  Today they will help you, and tomorrow you will help someone. This is normal and does not require forgiveness, but the words of gratitude will not be superfluous.
7. Do not apologize for another person.  Let him do it himself. Responsible only for your actions, actions and words.
8. Learn not to apologize for the truth.  After all, no matter how bitter it may be, in any case is better than a lie.
9. Do not apologize for not knowing something.  Man cannot know everything in the world. Ignorance of the answer to any question is normal. But do not forget that the pursuit of knowledge will always benefit you.
10. Do not apologize for breaking an unsuccessful relationship, refusing to communicate with anyone.  If you see that a person is not suitable for you and the relationship with him has reached an impasse, or if he is just having a bad influence on you, refuse to communicate with him. You have the right to do so. You are not required to apologize.

On the website of the magazine "Thomas" for a long time there is a constant section. Each reader can get a personal answer from the priest. But some of the questions cannot be answered in one letter - they require a thorough discussion. Some time ago, one of these questions came to us - () . We asked to answer the question of Archpriest Pavel Velikanov -   , picked up examples, and also asked to answer the question of the psychotherapist Konstantin Olkhovoy.

Answers Konstantin Olkhova, a psychiatrist,psychotherapist

The themes of resentment, guilt and forgiveness are huge, even endless, on them there are a great many books, articles, lectures. Here I will talk about those things that everyone needs to know.

Unforgiven grievances - pain points in the human soul

How often we are told that resentment must be forgiven. And, it seems, this should be an obvious thing, and even more so for a Christian who understands the importance of forgiveness. But why, in the overwhelming majority of cases, does a therapist encounter the theme of a particular unforgiveness? With unforgiveness that prevents a person from living, with unworked insults that burn a person’s soul.

Often we approach the topic of forgiveness formally: we say “I forgive” without forgiving sincerely. We pretend to be forgiven by formally fulfilling social and religious “norms and rules”. We do not open the abscess, but drive it deep inside. But the abscess does not disappear. So the grievances are ulcers hidden deep inside, which for some time may not hurt, but in the end they still begin to put pressure, cause “inflammation”, etc. A classic example is children's insults hiding from themselves on parents, often quite fair. Moreover, the feeling of guilt for the insult, which may be more painful than the pain itself, is added to the insult itself: “After all, parents are sacred! They must be read! How can one be offended! ”And again and again we are trying to suppress this resentment, not realizing that suppression does not cure, but only drives the problem inside. But veneration does not mean that you do not need to disassemble your pain and resentment related to your parents.

In almost every person lives unforgiven resentment

Unforgiven grievances are one of the most common problems in marital relationships, when family life turns into an ever-increasing com of mutual offenses. Over time, when this lump reaches gigantic proportions, it almost inevitably leads to the destruction of marriage. And it doesn’t matter whether it is a legal divorce or formally cohabitation of strangers, hostile people.

But there are, after all, quite “strange” grievances, grievances in which most people do not recognize themselves. About which they will say: “This is definitely not about me! It’s impossible, disgusting, disgusting and immoral! ”I’m talking about insulting loved ones because they ... died. It sounds very strange. But ask yourself: “But I’m not offended that I was abandoned? Am I offended by the parent, spouse, child, deceased person close to me - because he left me here alone, because he left me so hurt by his departure? ”My mind will shout that it’s nonsense that the close one is not to blame that he died, that he did not want to leave you alone. But someone small and unhappy inside us knows that the right words do not make him feel better, that pain and resentment live. From my own experience I will say that almost all people who survived the loss have this insult, in one form or another.

Do not be afraid to admit

If something hurt you, feel free to admit it, first of all, to yourself. Any attempt to get away from resentment, saying “well, you are fine, I’m not at all offended” or “well, you, I have long forgiven,” will only drive the abscess inside. No - "I am offended, I am very offended and very bad." Only allowing yourself to feel this, you can get out of a state of (explicit or hidden) resentment.

Do not save!

This is a very important point. If you are offended by a person, it is better to immediately tell him about it and try to understand the problem together. Do not collect in yourself five, ten, one hundred insults. The more of them, the more difficult it is to cope with them later.

Formal "I'm sorry - forgive "without genuine sorry do not make sense

What do we put in the word “forgive”? Forget and pretend that there was nothing? Just as before, to rejoice at the person who hurt you? .. From a psychotherapeutic point of view, to forgive means to let go. That is, do not experience pain, worries, anger, rage towards a person.

If you feel that some unforgiven resentment (incoming or outgoing) is gnawing at you, try to sincerely let her go. Yes, this is work with my soul. "That's it, I don’t want to be offended anymore, because it is bad for me, and not for the one I am offended with, it devours me and does not allow me to live."

The problem is that people very often ask for forgiveness or formally forgiveness: “Oh, I'm sorry, please” - “Well, what are you, I don’t take offense at you.” But there is no real letting go. Believe me, the formal “sorry-forgive” do not work.

Forgive those who does not apologize?

Forgive. But how? Will the words “I have to forgive” solve the problem? No. After all, what is an insult? This is our reaction to actions that hit our weak spot. But if we just tell ourselves that “we must forgive the insult”, then our weak spot will not go anywhere. We will remain his hostage. But if we tell ourselves that we want to forgive, then we will have to find the source of resentment in ourselves. We will have to find this weak spot, we will have to work it out. And then the insult will be released, because she will not have an application point. And our soul will become a little freer.

And if a person doesn't want your forgiveness?

It is important to understand that the phrase “I never asked anyone for forgiveness” always has some kind of psychological game. Why does man not admit his guilt, what benefit does he derive from this? Therefore, if this is not an extremely close person for you, it is better to formalize further communication. Not in order to punish him, but in order to protect himself. And with a loved one? For close we can fight, again and again beating in his heart. And - to get through. Or ... retreat, realizing that it is no longer close.

It is not necessary to say it out loud, it must be said to oneself. A person has done this one or several times and does not think that he has done wrong. So he can do it again, and I must be prepared for this. I do not hold resentment, evil, but I just know that this can happen again. Just like I do not hold evil against a thunderstorm, hurricane or earthquake, but at the same time I understand that they pose a danger to me, and I try to somehow protect myself.

Apologize not only words

Do not forget that there are people who find it very difficult to ask forgiveness in words. Maybe a person doesn’t want to be offended, but he just can’t say these three treasured words. But often such people with all their looks and actions try to show that they were wrong - and thereby apologize to us. Count this as a request for forgiveness? I think yes. Such behavior often carries much more weight than words that again lead us to the problem of formalism: “Oh, have I broken your leg? Well, sorry, please. "

It is very important to learn admit wrong

Our reader fears: “You seem to feel that you are obliged to ask for forgiveness, although perhaps it is only partially to blame. But what if a person accepts your request for forgiveness as a recognition of your surrender? ”

On the one hand, we are most likely again dealing with some kind of distorted relationship. Why are you so afraid that your apology will be perceived as capitulation? Do not you think that if, in response to your apology, you expect the phrase “Aha, you capitulated!” From a person, does this mean that your relationship is developing in some scandalously destructive way? Do you need this at all? Is this a reason to radically change the relationship?

On the other hand, it often happens that a person is absolutely right in content, but wrong in form. If, for example, you didn’t like something in the behavior of another and you made an ugly scandal about it, you screamed so that the person went away in tears, of course, you should say: “Sorry, I made a terrible scandal, I’m absolutely not right But at the same time, I still don’t like the behavior that I so foolishly reacted ugly to. ”

It is important for any child and adult to learn to admit their mistakes. You do not need a total admission of guilt for everything. If you feel that you are wrong in something, you need to apologize for specific things. And when you sincerely admit your mistake, when you jointly analyze why it happened, how to fix it, how not to repeat it in the future - it is much more effective for you and for others than just shouting: “I’m guilty, forgive me, I'm sorry! ”This is a healthy relationship - when people try to work out the situation, understand what caused the conflict and sort out their mistakes.

Throwing a stone from the soul do not cripple others

There is such a saying, and it best answers the last question of our reader. If you have once done harm to a person that he does not know about, if you feel that you are guilty before him, but are afraid in your own words to hurt him, destroy his family or even life, if the situation is already incorrigible - ask him forgiveness mentally. Solve this problem without his participation, deal with your soul yourself. The main thing is to sincerely realize that you are wrong.

Remember: resentment is not inevitable! You can work and cope with them

But we must clearly understand that this is a mental work - big, hard and almost always very painful. Maybe there are such advanced people who can ask for forgiveness and forgive easily and cheerfully, but I have never met such people in my life either among the laity or among the priests. It is difficult but necessary. Because if we do not work out our resentment, at some point in life, it will begin to eat us.

Far from every resentment can deal alone

In some cases, a person needs outside help. What are the options? For example, you can understand the problem with the person you are offended by - but only if he is sincerely ready to help you, ready to work with you. If you can’t solve the problem between yourself, you can turn to a therapist for help, who will help you look at what you yourself can’t see.

PHOTO Getty images

No one likes to apologize. This is not at all fun. Even adults say “I'm sorry, please” as if this apology had been pulled out by ticks for three hours, or, conversely, redder and paler, they shyly whisper it, their eyes buried in their eyes. Nobody likes to be wrong, because it follows from this that I am a bad person. And we are doing everything in our power to avoid this feeling. We are good people, right? Caring, loving. We listen to the voice of conscience, do not offend the little ones, stand up for the weak, care about the environment and donate to charity. We are good people! And good people have nothing to apologize for.

And then suddenly it turns out that there is.

Our reluctance to ask for forgiveness often does more harm than the bad offense itself. We argue, we distort. We force the person whom we have hurt to prove over and over again that he has the right to be offended, and in the end, we still refuse him this right. We begin to perceive him as an enemy, and now we are the offended side; we demand an apology for being forced to feel worse than we ourselves think. And we are not learning anything.

It takes many years to come to terms with the need to apologize. And this is a gradual getting used to the idea that I, too, may be wrong and hurt someone, that you need to ask for forgiveness for this, are an important part of growing up.

So, five tips to help you master this adult skill.

1. Forget about “I know how you feel”

In fact, it is impossible to imagine oneself in the wrong skin and feel what the other person is experiencing. We all experience and feel the world in different ways. We can guess and assume what is happening in the soul of our interlocutor, but do not know for sure. Moreover, we do not need to be able to feel someone else's pain as ours in order to believe in its sincerity. If this particular situation seems normal to us, this does not mean that for others either. “I wouldn’t be offended by this,” we tell ourselves. So what? It's not about us at all.

2. Apologize for the act

Refuse from “I am sorry that it hurt you”, forget about “Sorry, I didn’t think that you would perceive it like that”. The apology looks like this: “I did ________, because of this you are ______. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. " If you do not understand what exactly offended the person, either make more efforts to understand, or honestly admit that you do not care.

And if you don't care, just admit it. Say it out loud. It happens that we offend people and feel guilty. It happens that we do not feel the slightest remorse about this. In any case, we are responsible for our actions. Moreover, even if we do not feel guilty, the person whom our actions hurt still has the right to feel offended.

3. If you feel guilty, think about how to fix the situation or how to prevent it from happening again.

Communicate your desire to the person you offended (if you want to listen). Apologies are worthless if after a couple of minutes you have already forgotten what you did.

The apologies of an adult suggest that he wants to compensate for the consequences of his actions, or at least to draw a lesson from his misconduct for the future. It is also worth bearing in mind that the person we hit is absolutely not obligated to help us in our attempts to correct the situation. This is our personal matter, and if suddenly he nevertheless goes towards us - we should be grateful for this.

4. No buts

“I'm sorry, but ...” - after this beginning of the phrase, we should stop and roll in icy water to recover. So do not ask for forgiveness. So they argue. If we ask for forgiveness, we are only talking about our act and the feelings of the person whom this act has offended. Our thoughts and feelings at this moment have nothing to do with the matter.

“But he also offended me! ..” So be it. Set it aside for a second. Sorry. Give the person an apology. And only then, at the right moment, talk to him about your offended feelings. And if the interlocutor does not want to apologize in response, then, well, his business. This does not give us the right to take our apologies back. We are adult responsible people.

5. No one is obligated to forgive us

The man we offended does not owe us anything. He has the right not to listen to our apologies. He has the right not to accept them. He has the right not to love us. He has the right in response to all our apologies to say: “To hell with your apologies. You are a terrible person. "

And this is normal. Perhaps you really behaved terribly. And he has the right to think so. No one is obliged to be friends with us. No one is obliged to forgive us. And even if you repent every day, and again they say to you: “Nah, you are not forgiven,” - this is also normal. It does not follow from this that you should repent for the rest of your life, but refusing to accept your apologies should not offend you. You did a bad thing. So a person in relation to whom you acted badly has every right to despise you. And this does not mean that you do not need to apologize.

Like it or not, let’s say “sorry” is painful and unpleasant, it’s still better than blushing and hiding our eyes when we meet a person whom we offended.

For more information, see the women's site XoJane.com

Ecology of life. Psychology: Penitents hope their guilty pleasures with reddened faces will bring forgiveness, but is it really enough to say sorry to restore confidence?

Of the six components of a good apology, two are the most effective.

According to a new study, there are six components to an effective apology:

Expression of regret

Explanation of what was done wrong

Acknowledgment of Responsibility

Voluntary recognition

Proposal to rectify the situation yourself

Request for forgiveness

​

However, two components are more important than the rest.

In the first place is the recognition of responsibility- explains one of the authors of the study, Professor Roy Levitsky.

“Our study showed that the most important component of an apology is the recognition of responsibility. Say it’s your fault that you made a mistake.”

The second most effective strategy after accepting responsibility is a proposal to rectify the situation.

Professor Levitsky says:

One of the main problems of apology is that apology itself is worthless. The expression of readiness to repair what is broken reflects acceptance of responsibility for the damage caused.

The next important thing is expressing regret, an explanation of what went wrong, as well as an expression of remorse.

The last step is asking for forgiveness- says Levitsky:

If necessary, you can skip this step.

These findings are based on a study in which people read various scenarios in which a person made a mistake for which he had to apologize.

The apology contained one, three or six components. People evaluated the effectiveness of various types of apologies. The study tested only the effectiveness of these components.

Lewicki also pointed to another very important factor:

"It’s also clear that when you apologize, eye contact and the corresponding sincere tone are very important."

You can also very easily overestimate the power of apology, as I wrote before.

How effective is an apology?

We assume that apologies can help build relationships, but are we overestimating the importance of apologies?

Not a week goes by without another apology of this or that public figure for incredible destruction. An endless parade of politicians, businessmen and celebrities on TV and in the press who admit a mistake and apologize for what they did wrong.

We have come to the conclusion that as soon as day is replaced by night, a public figure apologizes for this or that misconduct. Sometimes these apologies look sincere and cordial, and sometimes they are just formal and insincere.

The penitents hope their guilty pleasures with reddened faces will bring forgiveness, but is it really enough to say sorry to restore confidence?