Forgiveness of parents: comments of psychologists. How to forgive father

How to forgive parents?

Why is it hard for us to forgive our parents?

This article will address the narrow question asked by many clients of psychotherapeutic groups and meetings. Why is it hard to forgive parents? How is this possible if, for example, parents were at work around the clock? Gave to a boarding kindergarten and taken home occasionally for the weekend? If you drank, beat? Sometimes it’s hard to forgive emotional coldness. It seems that the child had everything: well fed, dressed, shod, but it was impossible for parents to express their sorrows and insults. And how to forgive someone who was not, for example? Parents divorced not only with each other, but also the one who left, stopped visiting his child? And the one who remained took out his anger on the child? And how to forgive if the oldest child was turned into the nanny of the youngest, thereby taking away childhood? And there are a million of such questions. Too much to try to answer. Each case is individual and unique.

However, in this article I can write several areas in practice that helped to reduce the degree of tension in communication with parents in adults already children, often held, created their own family and realized, however, many of their plans.

One of the cornerstones of our emotional difficulties with parents lies, it seems to me, in the very formulation of the question. Forgiveness is the goal, and it is not so easy to come to it. For example, Elizabeth Kübler-Ross wrote the book On Death and Dying. In this work, she described five stages of farewell to those who left us. And forgiveness or, in its terminology, humility is only the last stage. Before that, we are angry, hate, blame ourselves, negotiate with higher powers, experience the abyss of despair and pain, and only then humble ourselves. And we are pacified, reconciled to the fact of loss. But the author went further. The fact is that these stages can be extended to any formats for ending relationships. This happens to lovers who part. And with the work with which we are fired. And with the cities from which we are forced to move. And with beloved teachers, with classmates ... All these stages accompany any gap.

But now closer to the topic. For example, a mother hit her child for the first time. And his world, in which mother personified security, is over. And he experiences anger, resentment, despair, indignation, sadness, perhaps later recalling this fact.
  Elizabeth Kübler-Ross wrote that this process of the psyche is quite natural, but culture requires us to abandon it: you cannot get angry with parents, you need to understand your mother, because she is tired. And the process is stuck.

  Most often, in consultations on this topic, you need to find out exactly where the process is stuck. For example, if a child, after his parents beat him, goes to reassure them and ask for forgiveness. He is forced to swallow his feelings, abandon them for the sake of maintaining relations. After many years, one can hear such sayings: “What would I be then if I were indulged or nursed with me?” In order to save myself from difficult feelings, such as despair and grief, and even experience them in complete isolation, you need to justify what happened .

Very carefully and carefully, you will have to open the curtain of rational arguments and let it out. Often this is a very simple secret - burning tears, suffocating insults for children's hardships and deprivations for little girls and boys, but already adult people cry with these tears. When finally, sometimes after years and decades, secrets kept secret even from oneself are expressed, then the process of “forgiveness” advances without any difficulties.

The second aspect in working with forgiveness is from family system constellations. Bert Hellinger said that in reality the child does not have “power” to forgive the parent. He cannot be his judge, since his weight in the family hierarchy is less than the parent. To strive for forgiveness of a parent is to pump himself up with the false illusion that the child is stronger than his parent, smarter, more experienced. If he were in the place of the parent, he would not have done that for sure. Forgiveness in this context is a false goal. More precisely, it would be a recognition of the right of the parent to be what he was and is, as well as recognition of himself as he is, including his desire to punish, get even, and avenge deprivation. When these feelings and desires are legalized and correctly addressed, the tension drops, since you do not need to pump energy into a false idea to humbly rise above the parent and forgive him from the size of his soul.

And another aspect that often follows from the previous paragraph. Forgiveness and acceptance is impossible, because an adult child "decides" to take money or services. For example, to borrow from parents without interest and not to give, to throw up their children for upbringing and to demand that their grandparents bring them up exactly according to the instructions, and do not make claims. Demand from parents who have not known for a long time how to get rid of guilty feelings for improper upbringing, a good, gentle relationship without a trace of reproach or discontent. Such parents should not be ill, be in a bad mood and not seek meetings with children. Such children get barbarously what they desperate to receive in a direct way. Then forgiveness is impossible, as you have to recognize the right of parents to their lives, sometimes their finances, property and the right to dispose of them at their discretion. Forgiveness would lead to a completely different level of attitude, where parents are not serving their adult child staff. And it is very difficult for adults to let these reins of control go.

You can read the article and think: “Well, the horrors are written here! Everything was wrong with me, my parents are the most wonderful! And my childhood was beautiful! And now everything is perfect! ”And pull a fake smile on your face. The second common problem is to idealize your parents. Do not remove them from the divine pedestal and ascribe angelic traits to them. Not to notice the pain experienced next to them, which means not to grow up and hone your ability to ignore reality. But this is a completely different topic ...

Maria Dyachkova, psychologist, family therapist and host of personal growth trainings at the Training Center, Marika Khazina

Resentment of children on parents is a phenomenon that occurs in almost every family.

It is terrible to admit, but some even adult children think about this:

• how to teach parents a lesson;
• how to take revenge on parents for insult

And only a few think about how to get rid of resentment against parents, how to forgive parents for resentment (namely, how to forgive parents for children's resentment).

Why can a person be offended by parents?

Psychologists identify 3 key reasons for resentment:

1. Inability to forgive. Sometimes it’s hard even for religious people to sincerely forgive. And this is the main reason for this problem.
2. The desire to manipulate (consciously or subconsciously). By causing someone to feel guilty, a person receives a certain benefit.
3. Inconsistency with expectations.

Do you have a complaint about your parents? If so, read this article, and maybe everything will finally fall into place.

Resentment of parents of adult children: psychology

Many adult children are ready to name dozens of moments when their mom and dad did wrong. They think: “I will not be like them,” “Everything is not so in my life,” etc. Is it familiar?

Looking ahead, I would like to note that there is NO SENSE to BE ABUSED at parents. Moreover, you have no right to hold a grudge against the people who gave you life. By the way, you can never thank parents for such a priceless gift - your birth. The only thing you can do is give life to another person.

What do psychologists advise on the topic of “Children's insults to parents in adulthood”:

1. Do not try to forgive, you need to try to understand. You DO NOT RIGHT TO CONDEMN your parents. Instead of constantly scrolling the grudges against your parents in your head, try to understand them just a little. Perhaps they did not have the resource (there was not enough money, there was difficult work, little experience, etc.).
2. Do not be silent. Allow yourself to speak openly and honestly with your parents. Feel offended? So tell it to mom and dad. No one argues “mom and dad are saints, they should be appreciated, respected and loved”, but first of all they are people, your own people. Perhaps in a frank conversation you will discover facts that you did not suspect. And then you can return to point No. 1. It is possible that parents became wiser, calmer. Perhaps they will want to admit mistakes, and they will ask for forgiveness. Give them a chance!
3. Let the father, the mother, not acknowledge her mistakes. Yes, you can often hear "We did everything right, but now we see what an ungrateful child they raised." Well, it’s the right of parents to project their picture of the world. You have her own. Convincing an adult parent is unnecessary. Do not wait for the father or mother to change.
4. Learn to understand the language your parents speak to you. Perhaps the constantly grumbling mother thus shows her love, and the constantly criticizing father thereby tries to direct you to the true path (he takes care of and takes care of you).
5. Allow yourself to be sad for a while, talk to yourself small. When a child receives resentment from his parents, he is in a state of defenseless creature who has no choice. As adults, we can recognize our vulnerable feelings, we can feel sorry for ourselves little and explain to ourselves that it is impossible to do this with children.

And please, do not rush your whole conscious life with childhood injuries, like a chicken with an egg! Live already calmly and free from insults. No, well, if you like to feel sorry for yourself, continue, of course, to complain that you were offended as a child, you were not given money, your mother did not like you, and your father often took on a belt. There is always a choice: either leave childhood trauma as an experience, or let resentments destroy today's and future lives.

How to forgive resentment against parents?

If you set out to understand how to get rid of children's insults to parents, it will not be superfluous to find out what such things lead to.

Did you know that resentment against parents:

• block money;
• deprive of rest;
• interfere with building relationships with the opposite sex;
• do not let you be happy;
• cause terrible diseases (): tumors, headaches, skin rashes, stomach and duodenal ulcers, etc.

Resentment to parents leads to other ailments. Do you need it?

Working offense at parents

Want to get rid of children's resentment against parents? Go for it!

How to release a grudge against parents:

1. Write a letter of insults to parents. Take a pen, a piece of paper and write all your experiences. Should I give this letter to mom and dad? That's your business.
2. Learn to finally love yourself. What is loving yourself? It is to get rid of aggression against you, it is to understand that you are a divine creature. In Christianity there is a well-known commandment: “Love God above father and mother, above son and daughter. Love God with all your mind, with all your soul, with all your heart. ” The question is, how to love God? If you direct love to heaven, it turns out that you give feelings to heaven, if you direct love to the icon, then you worship the creation of human hands. Man is closer to God in soul. It is there (in itself) that love should be directed. To love God means to love yourself as a part of him.
3. Learn how to forgive parents for children's insults at Torsunov. Listen and watch the video “How to Work Out the Karma of Relationships with Parents”
4. Read.
5. And you know, write this:

Dear mommy!

I accept everything that you give me, everything in its entirety, without exception. I accept it at the full price that it cost you and costs me. I’ll do something for you out of this. It should not be in vain. I honor and keep this, and, if allowed, will pass on the same way as you.

I accept you as my mother, and I belong to you as your daughter. You are the one I need. You are big, but I am small.

Dear Mom! I'm glad you chose dad. Both of you are the ones I need! Only you!

Once, a very amazing person dictated these lines to me - an experienced coach who would like to thank endlessly for cleaning my (and not only mine) soul.

Do you have childish resentment against parents in your heart? What to do with them, you want to believe, you already know!

In conclusion parable about insult to parents. Prepare a handkerchief, it will help restrain the flow of tears.

A parable (or maybe a real story) about forgiveness

I will not forgive, - She said. - I'll remember.

Sorry, ”the Angel asked her. - Sorry, it will be easier for you.

No way, ”She stubbornly pressed her lips together. “This cannot be forgiven.” Never.

Will you take revenge? He asked anxiously.

No, I won’t take revenge. I will be above that.

Do you crave severe punishment?

I do not know what punishment would be sufficient.

- Everyone has to pay for their decisions. Sooner or later, but everyone… - said the angel quietly. - It's unavoidable.

Yes I know.

- I'm sorry then! Take off your load. You are now far from your offenders.

No. I can not. And I don’t want to. There is no forgiveness for them.

Well, your business, - the sighed Angel. - Where do you intend to keep your grudge?

Here and here, - She touched her head and heart.

- Please be careful- asked the angel. - The poison of resentment is very dangerous. It can settle with a stone and pull to the bottom, or it can generate a flame of rage that burns all life.

This is the Stone of Memory and Noble Rage, - She interrupted him. “They are on my side.”

And resentment settled where she said - in the head and in the heart.

She was young and healthy, she built her life, hot blood flowed in her veins, and her lungs eagerly inhaled the air of freedom. She got married, gave birth to children, made friends. Sometimes, of course, she was offended by them, but mostly forgiven. Sometimes she was angry and quarreled, then they forgave her. Everything was in life, and she tried not to remember her insult.

Many years passed before she again heard this hated word - “forgive”.

My husband betrayed me. With children constantly friction. Money doesn't love me. What to do? She asked the elderly psychologist.

He listened carefully, clarified a lot, for some reason, all the time asked her to tell about her childhood. She was angry and was translating the conversation now, but he was returning her to his childhood again. It seemed to her that he was wandering around the back streets of her memory, trying to examine, to bring out that old insult. She did not want this, and therefore resisted. But he still saw that meticulous guy.

You need to clean, - he summed up. - Your grievances have grown. Later insults stuck on them, like polyps on a coral reef.This reef has become an obstacle to the flow of vital energy. From this, you have problems with your personal life and finances. This reef has sharp edges, they hurt your gentle soul. Different emotions settled and entangled inside the reef, they poison your blood with their waste products, and this attracts more and more settlers.

Yes, I also feel something like that, ”the woman nodded. - From time to time I get nervous, sometimes depression puts pressure, and sometimes I just want to kill everyone. Okay, I need to clean. But as?

Forgive that first, most important offense, ”the psychologist advised. - There will be no foundation - and the reef will crumble.

Never! - the woman snapped up. - This is a fair resentment, because that's how it was! I have the right to be offended!

Do you want to be right or happy? - asked the psychologist. But the woman did not answer, she just got up and left, taking with her her coral reef.

A few more years passed. The woman was back at the reception, now at the doctor's office. The doctor examined the pictures, leafed through the tests, frowned and chewed his lips.

Doctor, why are you silent? - She could not stand it.

Do you have any relatives? The doctor asked.

Parents died, with her husband divorced, but there are children, and grandchildren too. Why do you need my relatives?

You see, you have a tumor. Here, ”the doctor showed in the picture of the skull where she had a tumor. - Judging by the analyzes, the tumor is not good. This explains your constant headaches, and insomnia, and fatigue. The worst thing is that the neoplasm has a tendency to rapid growth. It is increasing, that’s what’s bad.
   - And so, now for an operation? She asked, chilling with terrible forebodings.

No, ”the doctor frowned even more. - Here are your cardiograms over the past year. You have a very weak heart. It seems that it is clamped on all sides and is not able to work at full capacity. It may not transfer operations. Therefore, first you need to heal the heart, and only then ...

He didn’t finish, and the woman understood that “later” might never come. Either the heart cannot stand it, or the tumor crushes.

By the way, your blood test is also not very good. Hemoglobin is low, white blood cells are high ... I will prescribe medication for you, ”the doctor said. “But you must help yourself.” You need to bring the body into a relative order and at the same time mentally prepare for the operation.

But as?

Positive emotions, warm relationships, communication with family. Fall in love in the end. Browse through the album with photos, remember a happy childhood.

The woman only grinned wryly.

Try to forgive everyone, especially parents, ”the doctor unexpectedly advised. - It makes the soul a lot easier. In my practice, there have been times when forgiveness worked wonders.

Oh really? - ironically asked the woman.

Imagine. There are many auxiliary tools in medicine. Quality care, for example ... Caring. Forgiveness can also be a cure, for free and without a prescription.

To forgive.

Or die.

Forgive or die?

To die, but not to forgive?

When the choice becomes a matter of life and death, you only need to decide which way you look.

Headache. My heart aches. "Where will you keep your grudge?" "Here and here." Now it hurt. Perhaps the insult grew too much, and she wanted more. She decided to squeeze out her mistress, take possession of her whole body. Stupid resentment did not understand that the body could not stand, would die.

She remembered her main offenders - those from childhood.Father and mother who all the time either worked or cursed. They did not love her the way she wanted it. Nothing helped: neither five and meritorious letters, nor the fulfillment of their requirements, nor protest and rebellion. And then they parted, and each started a new family, where she had no place. At the age of sixteen she was sent to a technical school, to another city, handed her a ticket, a suitcase with things and three thousand rubles for the first time, and that’s all - from that moment on she became independent and decided: “I will not forgive!”. She carried this grudge in herself all her life, she vowed that the grudge would die with her, and it looks like it is coming true.

But she had children, had grandchildren, and the widower Sergei Stepanych from work, who tried to ineptly care for her, and did not want to die. Well, the truth is - it was too early for her to die! “Forgive me,” she decided. “At least try.”

Parents, I forgive you for everything, ”she said uncertainly. The words sounded pathetic and unconvincing. Then she took paper and pencil and wrote: Dear parents! Dear Parents! I'm not angry anymore. I forgive you for everything.

My mouth felt bitter, my heart sank, and my head ached even more. But she, tightening her grip on the pen, stubbornly, time after time, wrote: “I forgive you. I forgive you". No relief, only irritation rose.

Not so, ”whispered the Angel. - The river always flows in one direction. They are older, you are the youngest. They were before, you later. Not you gave birth to them, but they you. They gave you the opportunity to appear in this world. Be thankful!

I am grateful, ”the woman said. “And I really really want to forgive them.”

Children do not have the right to judge their parents.

Parents are not forgiven.

They are asking for forgiveness.

For what? She asked. “Have I done anything bad to them?”

You did something bad to yourself. Why did you keep that grudge in yourself? What is your headache about? What stone do you wear in your chest? What poisons your blood? Why is your life not flowing in a full-flowing river, but flowing in frail streams? Do you want to be right or healthy?

Is it really because of the insult to the parents? Did she destroy me so?

I warned, - the Angel reminded. - Angels always warn: do not save, do not wear, do not poison yourself with insults. They rot, stink and poison all life around. We are warning! If a person makes a choice in favor of resentment, we have no right to interfere. And if in favor of forgiveness - we must help.

Can I still break this coral reef? Or is it too late?

It's never too late to try, ”said the angel softly.

But they have long since died! Now no one to ask for forgiveness, and what to do?

You ask. They will hear ..

Or maybe they don’t hear. In the end, you do this not for them, but for yourself.

Dear parents, she began. - Forgive me, please, if something is wrong ... And in general, forgive everything.

She spoke for a while, then fell silent and listened to herself. No miracles - the heart aches, the head hurts, and there are no special feelings, everything is as always.

“I don’t believe myself,” she admitted. - So many years have passed ...

Try it differently, the Angel advised. - Become a child again.

How?

Get down on your knees and turn to them, as in childhood: mom, dad.

The woman hesitated a little and knelt down. She folded her hands in a boat, looked up and said: “Mom. Dad". And then again: "Mom, Dad ...". Her eyes opened wide and began to fill with tears. "Mom, dad ... it's me, your daughter ... forgive me ... forgive me!" Her chest was shaken by approaching sobs, and then tears flowed in a stormy stream. And she kept repeating and repeating: “Forgive me. Please forgive me. I had no right to judge you. Mother, father…".

It took a long time before the tears flowed. Exhausted, she sat right on the floor, leaning against the sofa.

How do you? - asked the angel.

I do not know. I don’t understand. I think I'm empty, ”she answered.

Repeat this daily for forty days, said the Angel. - As a course of treatment. Like chemotherapy. Or, if you want, instead of chemotherapy.

Yes. Yes. Forty days. I will.

Something pulsed in his chest, tingling and rolling in hot waves. Maybe it was the wreckage of a reef. And for the first time in a long time, my head hurt completely, well, just about nothing.

I dedicate this article to my mom!

My dear, the best mother in the world, thank you for what you are!

Your daughter \u003d

Forgiveness of parents: comments of psychologists

Can I force myself to forgive: comment on.

Believing psychologists comment on the article   , which aroused complex feelings among a number of readers. The author supplemented the article a bit later; comments were written on the first version.

Natalya Kazanskaya, speech therapist, psychologist-consultant: Non-ideality can be different

We are all raised by non-ideal parents and, in turn, become non-ideal parents, but this “non-ideal” can be very different. In one case, we can talk about parents who overdo it, forcing the child to play music, in another - about the abuse that caused the child serious damage. The path to forgiveness can be very different in these cases.

It’s not easy for me to read texts where psychological questions are mixed up with questions of faith. I assume that the psychotherapist relies in his work on specific theories and uses specific tools; but how God acts in the soul of a person always remains a mystery. God really can help to accomplish what we ourselves cannot do — this also applies to forgiveness. But this alone does not mean at all that I can “command” myself: “If you are a Christian, then you must forgive!” So it does not work.

If we talk about psychotherapy, then when a person learns to relate with compassion and sympathy for himself, he gradually heals from old wounds and insults; the healing process goes hand in hand with the process of forgiveness. But this is a long way in which careful and careful accompaniment is often required. Unfortunately, attempts to say that “recipes exist” (although the author does not say this explicitly), and that “everything has been written long ago”, may sound to someone like the recommendation “do not carry yourself with you as the center of the world.” And such an approach can sometimes not only not bring nearer to forgiveness, but also aggravate already difficult experiences.

Marina Filonik, psychotherapist:
  We cannot forgive by willpower

Confuses:
1. Of the first five examples, four are negative and one is positive, and this fifth ispriest. Such a hint, they say, if we are Christians, then we should ... And this is notso. Or I misunderstood the author, but for me it is like ideologization. Faith andeven churching from childhood injuries is not required to relieve, and certainly notheal automatically. I can agree more about personal maturity, but shenot connected with religion in any way.

2. The problem with the text, it seems to me, is that it mixes the right things andthings are ambiguous, and when it’s a mixture, it’s very difficult to separate the grains fromchoked. For example, there is a fair idea about the causes of problems from childhood. But shedisputed right there, and it seems to be good too, I want to think about freedomsubject. But behind this, as I hear, is the depreciation of the truth of experiences.those people that are discussed first. Like, all these great things are nonsensesuffering, but God has given you all and has given in abundance. And it's your choice what you do- continue to suffer or grow up. In my neurosis it sounds: “What are youyou eat, got up and went! " And it seems to be true too (by letter), but not enoughme personally:

a) recognition of the truth of pain and the right to this pain,

b) the path to healing is not through their own strengths,

c) love for man (“we are called to find the likeness of God, but how to find it withoutpainful crucifixion of yourself and your Wishlist, without asking God to heal and purifyus, nasty and inferior? ”- for me this text is not about love for a person).

And then, as a reader, my guilt can only intensify, because I have everything, God gave me everything, and I, such a nasty one, got stuck in my insult at my mother. And methen this makes it even worse and you want to get drunk with grief, and not pray for salvation ....

If we talk about the issues raised in a different way, I would say that Imore than once spoke and wrote : discover all this garbage in yourself (yes, there is unforgiveness in me,there is resentment in me, yes, I myself can’t do anything about it, I bend, and I'm ini don’t want this myself) and crawl to God for who you are (even though it seems that younasty, but it’s not, because you are God's favorite child) and saywith whatever words you have, for we simply do not have others:

- Lord, here I am! And it seems to me that I'm terrible ... And now I'm offended by my mother, becauseshe did so much evil (tell God about it - right in the Face), and on you,Lord, I’m offended because "the wife you gave me" did all this ... Andi hate myself, and I don’t love mom, and I’m angry with you - here I stand before you,there is no love in me, because love is Your gift. But look at me ...

And then anything can be. But just bring everything that you have to the Father, ask Him to enter your heart and change it, because you yourself can NOT change it. And inthis is a big difference (the message is heard in the text, they say, take it and change yourself,free will and God has given you everything, and this gives rise to guilt. But you yourselfyou can’t, if at the age of 50 you have the same resentment towards your mother ...).

But I would like to support the author: an important problem is being raised, because the fact is that we have had heaps of grievances for decades. And yes, understanding that parents are also imperfect,like you, very important. And yes, you have to grow up, it frees you from insults, onlyhere's the question - how to grow up? But this is the topic of another article or even a three-volume.

Yes - gratitude is a great thing, and this is also about growing up.

Is it easier for Christians - yes, but how is it in practice? I’m not sure that if you conduct a study among believers and not, and calculate the percentage of offended andforgiven, there will be significant differences. But maybe I'm wrong, I would likemake a mistake. A Christian is definitely “easier” if he has a personal relationship with Christ.

Natalia Skuratovskaya, psychologist, psychotherapist:
  Some observations are correct, others not

Ambiguous text. Mixed into a bunch of catechism and popular psychology,declarative phrases and some true observations and conclusions ...

If point by point, then:

1. Ideal parents do not exist - and the common thesis that psychotherapy is neededeveryone who has or had parents has certain reasons.But the spread of this idea in the wide. Nar the masses led to the fact that in alllife problems people blame childhood injuries, forgetting that they alreadyold enough to adopt and re-educate themselves, sincethere is a need. Therefore, the conclusion “When we are adults, we have everything to work onby myself ”seems loyal and productive to me (perhaps because I’m clientsi usually say the same thing).

2. Too much "Orthodox mythology" interspersed with typical for ourecclesiastical subculture by the reader’s motives for self-depreciation: “cleanse us,nasty and inferior ”,“ You yourself are very thin, harm others and without Godyou will perish ”(“ samaduravinovata ”is the last thing a person should say,who does not find the strength to change his life ... does not motivate, it's betterto remember that you yourself are potentially good, and God is not for youcreated), “It’s an order of magnitude easier for Christians in this work” (yeah, especially inmodern church empiricism with all its distortions).

3. “It is appropriate to say about the forgiveness of parents who are just as damaged people as we are” - this topic is quite resourceful, if a person manages to realize this and feel it, the problem of “childhood injuries” is half solved.

4. Well, the biblical ending causes mixed feelings ... I had to deal with such stories that I could only explain to the victims of parental violence that “honor” in this case could mean, for example, providing acceptable physical comfort in helpless old age, and love for torturers - This is a super task for those who acquire holiness. And respect is not a duty, but a consequence of a person’s actions, and it is not necessary to feel guilty about his absence.

From the editors. If you were able to forgive your parents or build a previously difficult relationship, send us stories about the path you followed. We will publish the best stories.

- They were young and inexperienced

Sometimes it’s very useful to remember at what age your parents were at that time. Often these were people 25-26 years old, inexperienced and insecure.

Don't be silent

If you feel insulted by your parents, do not be silent about it. You can’t but admit that you felt bad.

For a very long time this topic was taboo and there was only one option: “Parents are holy people, they raised you and gave birth, they need to be loved, respected and not complain” or: “If you felt bad, it’s your own fault.”

Do not rush your whole life with childhood injuries

This is the other extreme. It would be nice not to spend your whole life complaining about parents and explaining all their failures to them with mistakes.

Try not to live your whole life under the banner of "child of an alcoholic", "a man whom my mother did not like" or "a man who was beaten in childhood." Sometimes such a period of trauma is necessary, but it would be good if it ends.

When we were children, we had no choice whether they would offend us or not. And now we have a choice - we can leave the trauma just as experience or let the trauma shape our personality.

If you can’t get off this on your own, consult a psychotherapist, you don’t have to live in this state for years.

Try to talk about childhood grievances with parents

Should I try to convey to my parents that they were wrong? Sometimes it helps.

Parents became calmer, wiser, they are not as wound up as before. They already raise grandchildren and often discover the qualities of warmth and acceptance. Some of them are already ready for such a conversation.

Photo source: psychoanalyze.kiev.ua

Sometimes they can acknowledge and regret past mistakes. And this could be the beginning of a new warm relationship.

Sometimes recognition of responsibility is simply necessary

This mainly concerns cases where there was a serious abuse on the part of the parents. Just admit it was.

This recognition can often be the only condition on which children agree to continue to communicate with their parents.

I must say in plain text: “It is very important for me that you acknowledge what it was. I do not need an apology, but it is important that no one pretends that I came up with this. "

Leave them the right not to admit their mistakes

If the parents defend themselves and say: “We did everything right, you are ungrateful,” they have the right to do so.

You have your own picture of the world, and they have their own. Sometimes their psyche denies and supplants everything. Re-educating a person at 70 is a bad idea.

But often this means that there will be no close relationship between you.

Have pity on yourself little

When we receive resentment from our parents, we are in the position of a very small being. You are not a judge, but simply a small child who had no choice.

Photo Source: wikimedia.org

And when we think - to forgive or not to forgive, we accept responsibility, which we do not have and could not be. We cannot be older than parents, we cannot judge them “from above”.

We can recognize our feelings and regret ourselves small from today's adult state. To explain to a little one that it’s actually impossible to do this to children so that he at least hears it from someone adult.

Let yourself be sad

At some point, you must allow yourself to be sad and admit that something in your childhood was not and will not be. Because your parents simply could not give it to you. And from this it can become easier.

Do not expect parents to change

Very often behind the claims to parents is the childish hope that the parents will change - dad will finally praise, and mom will finally fall in love.

And dad and mom did not praise and did not love, simply because they, in principle, were not capable of it. They have their difficult childhood, their circumstances and their psychological profile.

Learn to translate the language of love of your parents

Quite rarely there are parents who are not at all capable of giving anything, but only criticize and reject. Sometimes their language of love is simply not the one we would like to hear.

We are waiting for good words, and their love is to bake pies for us and feed us to the dump.

You must learn how to translate their language into your own. Suppose mom is grumbling all the time, but at the same time she’s cooking endless borschs and washing dishes. These her pies, borscht and dishes are her "I love you."

Sometimes criticism is also a concern

Endless criticism is such a parental amulet. It seems that if you always tell the child what is wrong with him, then he will understand everything once and will finally do everything right.

If you see it this way, then it will not destroy you like that. We need to learn how to treat this and how to care.

If your parents are dead, then your claims will definitely not harm them

A dead parent is not so different from a non-dead parent. After all, when we are offended, we are not offended by today's parents, but by those parents who were then, at the time of the offense.

Sometimes the dead are idealized and it seems that it is forbidden to think badly of them or to make claims against them. But if they have already died, then your claims will certainly not harm them, and this can help you.

Sometimes you need to express anger and grievances in order to open the ability to love. If you take offense, then you can deal with that warm part in the relationship that you had.

Do you have childish resentment against your parents?

A big problem for many women is resentment towards their parents, especially their mother. Although there is an understanding that parents need to be forgiven, but ... How? How to forgive the lack of love and attention? How to forgive the fact that personal life does not add up and there is no self-confidence?

Internal conflict with parents

Knowing that the problem of self-dislike comes from childhood, many begin . There is a certain fixation on the relationship with them. And being already in adulthood, a person gets stuck in a state of internal conflict with his parents. How to get out of this state?

Inner conflict with parents is an obstacle to love and self-acceptance. Until this situation is resolved, a person cannot fully accept himself and let go of the past. All life will pass in grievances, in thoughts of the possibility of another life, if the parents or their behavior were different.

At the genetic level, we are our parents. They become our introjects. And willy-nilly their behavior, way of life and thoughts, a person shifts to himself. Unaware, the girl absorbs the attitude towards men and to herself, as to a woman. This means that if the mother and didn’t respect them, then in the future you will unconsciously do the same. Or if the father was a bad person, the mother beat, then this is also in the child. If the mother suffered from any addiction, then the child is susceptible to this. And this child, becoming an adult, subconsciously considers himself unworthy of love, a loser, worthless. Even if there’s nothing at all.

Important to learn as they are. If they were doing something wrong with their child, then it was not for the purpose of harming him. They just could not act differently. Each of them has its own life, its own way of thinking. And they act by virtue of their nature, and not in spite or to the detriment of anyone. They did not choose a line of behavior. They followed the program in their head that was laid earlier. And this is their tragedy, their problems of accepting themselves. And the child should not pull through his life the problems and attitudes of his parents, who in turn draw problems from their parents and so on. Each person is unique. And he cannot answer for the sins and mistakes of his ancestors. Yes, you have a similar genetic set, and you grew up in that atmosphere and with those established routines. But this does not mean at all that further fate is determined by this. Each person has his own conscious choice.

What to do if there is absolutely nothing to love parents? How many children in orphanages that parents abandoned. How many matured children happily run away from their father's houses to build their lives away from their parents and never communicate with them again. How many grievances are stored in children's hearts. When it seems that there is absolutely nothing to be thankful and to love people who have been born, think what they have done for you.

First of all, they gave you life! A man who hates his life and does not love himself can never be filled with gratitude to his parents. But a person who appreciates every moment, who likes life, who enjoys, will be grateful to mom and dad for the invaluable gift of life.

Why knowledge does not change our lives

I know that you know these truths, but unfortunately, .

The human psyche is designed in such a way that loved ones become our internal parts. Sooner or later, a person notices the features of a mother or father. And if you do not accept parents, then these traits become hated. A man scolds himself for these manifestations. He does not accept himself completely. He denies having a relationship with relatives. No need to scold yourself and shame. It is better to look inside and feel at such moments, try to figure it out, try to understand and get to know the inner mother and father. Once you understand what thoughts and feelings are behind the hated traits of character and behavior, the attitude will begin to change. Instead of anger, hatred and resentment, there will be a place for pity, understanding, acceptance and forgiveness. This is an important step towards harmony with oneself.

When a child is offended in childhood, often in adulthood he cannot escape from these episodes. And endlessly scrolls them in the head. Conducts dialogues with parents, answers as he could not or did not dare to do in childhood. They will accuse them of all their troubles and failures, they say that this is all because of what they said, did or didn’t do the opposite. A man with his childhood grievances remains in childhood. His present life passes by; he does not enjoy the present moment. You need to leave it all in the distant past, to reconcile with your parents and yourself. Only in this case is it possible to build a beautiful harmonious life full of self-love.

It is impossible to become happy in a relationship and open up love if you are in deep conflict with your mother. Your relationship with a man mirrors your inner problems. That’s why it’s important . Without this, you cannot accept yourself and become truly confident and free.

With love,
Irina Gavrilova Dempsey