Why I do not like myself: reasons, ways how to change this, and the advice of a psychologist. Why a man does not love himself

Only a mentally healthy, harmonious person can create a happy family, succeed in a career, in life. When a person accepts himself with all the strengths and weaknesses, he learns to work on himself, improve himself or accept the fact that he is and move on without scolding himself for anything. to yourself is that feeling, that quality, which you need to work on and, in its absence, to develop in yourself.

This is strange, but almost 45% of people around the world criticize themselves without objective reasons, while 29% say that such a person as they should not be loved and there is nothing. Psychologists say that self-love is a feeling that is formed in a person by his parents, in particular, his mother. If a child grew up with a feeling of rejection, dislike, annoyance towards him, as well as the phrases “I don’t need you, you broke my whole life, you shouldn’t give birth to children like you leave in orphanages”, as a result we will deal with a notorious, insecure person. Moreover, it is difficult for such people to love someone, they avoid close trusting relationships, do not build friendly communication - it is easier for them to completely isolate themselves from this world. The reason for this alienation is "no one loves me and everyone is eager to hurt me."

Inner child

A person who has not received full maternal love will experience a shortage of tender relationships throughout his life. It will seem to him that no one will ever fall in love with him, and if this happens and a person deprived of love meets a soul close to him, then it will be difficult for him to believe that you can love without any conventions, simply because this person is, he is near.

In psychology, there are role models such as the inner child, inner parent, and inner adult. We do not love ourselves when our parents do not care about us, criticize, offend, show. Then, through time, we become adults, inside which this little baby, so in need of love, continues to sit. But, we do not know how to love it. And as a result, we begin to criticize, reject, offend our inner child. It turns out a vicious circle of dislike, from which it is very difficult to get out on your own, without the external help of a psychologist.

I don't like myself - symptoms

There are quite simple symptoms by which you can understand and determine - a person does not like himself and he needs help. And very often it happens that this person is ourselves. So, you do not love and do not accept yourself if:

Do not take care of yourself, do not monitor your appearance, as well as your health (for example, you can go to work in a sick state, with fever, weakness, and even do not even take pills to alleviate the condition, not to mention a visit to the doctor );
You constantly criticize yourself, blame something and think that you have no right to make a mistake, since you are not an ideal person anyway;
You do not respect yourself, you think that there is nothing to love such a person, because in fact, nothing outstanding has been done;
Often you do not accept your choice and are afraid of your own;
It’s easier for you to admit that you are wrong than to protect your interests before the interlocutor;
You first think about how to make things pleasant for the people around you, than to help yourself;
You live for the pleasure of others and satisfaction, but you forget about yourself;
A person who does not love himself wakes up with a feeling of dissatisfaction and falls asleep with him;
Such people constantly improve themselves, find flaws and again try to improve, eliminate, change them;
Communicating with other people, an acute sense of inferiority is manifested;
Very often thoughts arise that you do not have money and you are not worthy of it, there is no family - and this is correct, because you did not deserve love, there is no happiness and pleasure from life - it should be so;
If a person who loves and does not understand himself faces an important choice, then he will initially satisfy the needs and desires of the other and at the same time he will feel like a real victim.

Is it possible to learn love? Is it possible to accept yourself as you are and to love, but already in adult and conscious age? Psychologists say yes, it is. To do this, you need to take only a few steps, the sequence and regularity of which will lead to real conscious love.

Small steps

It is impossible from the first time, from the first day, to fall in love with yourself when you have not done this for so long. Therefore, you need to start with small gradual steps. The first thing that psychologists recommend doing is to put their appearance in order. You must finally take the time to spend some finances and improve your appearance. The task is to please yourself.

The next step is to listen to yourself and listen. Are you sick? Do not torment your body, go to a doctor's consultation. There is no desire to do something, do not do it - give yourself a rest (you deserve it).

Take care of yourself

No matter what age you are, it is never too late to start taking care of yourself. Make yourself a delicious coffee in the morning, give a book or a desired gadget, take a walk, buy a world tour - your task is to fulfill in the near future that desire, which until then did not have the time, nor the strength, nor the desire, nor even more - love for to myself.

Set boundaries and say no

Are you used to fulfilling other people's desires contrary to your own? From now on, you must set boundaries for the good of self-love. Do not be shy and do not be afraid to say what you think (of course, if this does not offend the feelings and personality of another person). For example, you do not have time to fulfill other people's duties outside working hours, to decide - refuse, say no. To you, a “close” friend makes constant comments about your appearance or personal qualities, finally say that you love yourself the way you are and do not allow you to speak of you like that in the future. Demand respect from others, and if they do not want to show it, then stop communicating with such people.

Self-esteem is how I value myself. Normally, this is a very important and useful function, the basis of our successful survival and development in society. It consists of several components. First of all, it is important for us to hear ourselves, to understand our internal processes, to make decisions - what is good for me and what is not, how I feel - whether you urgently need to take care of any of your needs or you can relax and rest. Secondly, it is equally important to be able to evaluate your external manifestations and actions, adequately imagine how they will be perceived by others. Based on these two assessments - our inner world and our external manifestations, we derive an assessment of ourselves as individuals. Normally, I treat myself kindly and adequately-critically, understanding my weaknesses, giving myself the right to make mistakes and correct mistakes, that is, I have a stable basis for development.

Problems begin when self-esteem does not appear as a flexible orientation function in itself and in the world, but as something frozen, turning behavior into an obsessive pattern. Such a person, instead of exploring himself and his surroundings, relies in making decisions and making judgments on some stable idea of \u200b\u200bhimself “in general”. For example, the notion of “I am bad” inevitably leads to inhibition of internal impulses and external manifestations, since all of them, regardless of where I am, who I am, who I am with now, will be evaluated negatively by myself. And even if I do something that will be well received by other people, my self-image will not change too much, which means that self-esteem will remain negative.

Why is this happening?

Our self-image is formed in early childhood and is based on those reactions that we meet from parents, significant adults, and close associates. If in childhood we heard mostly criticism, a negative assessment of ourselves and our actions, teachings in the “it was necessary” format, then we learn to look at ourselves in the same way. After all, it is very important for a child to understand how he behaves in order to be accepted by adults - he depends on them: if he is good for an adult, he will take care of him; and if a child suddenly turns out to be “bad”, they can hurt, punish, ignore him, etc. Therefore, we learn to control our behavior very early and behave in accordance with the expectations of others. At the same time, the child can meet quite a lot of positive responses and acceptance, but since the task of survival is in the first place, our brain remembers negative signals better. Of course, if there is much more approval and acceptance, then negative assessments are not so rigidly fixed, but if the difference is small or criticism prevails, then the so-called "low self-esteem" is provided. Underestimated self-esteem can also be formed in children to whom parents do not give feedback - such ignoring can be even more difficult to survive than criticism. It is important for the child to see and hear the other, his opinion, reactions and attitude, because only in response can he feel himself, his reactions and his relations.

Over time, each of us accepts this assessment of the environment as his own, and then begins to expect the same attitude to ourselves from the whole world. Now, not only my mother criticizes me, now I criticize myself, but I also see the same criticism in the eyes of everyone I meet!

Difficulties may arise in those who have the so-called "high self-esteem." As a rule, it is formed in families where it is customary to constantly praise the child, support him, even if he causes inconvenience or harm to others. It happens that such parents themselves were once overwhelmed by negative assessments, and therefore try to do the opposite, and moreover, the parent himself often wants to be “good” in the eyes of his child. This attitude creates a false impression of the world about other people, and can lead to the fact that subsequently society will reject it for inappropriate actions.

But in that and in another case, a person has a tough idea of \u200b\u200bwhat he is, and then in the future, any of his experiences either confirms his existing self-esteem, or a person automatically, without realizing it, devalues \u200b\u200band does not notice an experience that contradicts his expectations .

With a “healthy”, adequate self-esteem, a person has openness to his feelings, feelings, desires, is not afraid to meet with reality, sees current opportunities and limitations - both his own and his environment, the current situation. This makes it possible to make a flexible choice: “How appropriate am I with my desire now?” Whether this is an environment where I can implement it, or it is more useful to wait and find other people for myself, another situation where I can do what is important to me, getting support. ”

A person’s rigid self-perception is quite difficult to change, as it is tightly woven into his character. Indeed, in order for us to change our perception of ourselves as “bad,” we need to first accept that we can be “good” for others, that someone can positively evaluate us, someone we can like. And for this, we must be able to manifest ourselves openly and sincerely, because only then will we know that they accept us, and not the image that we created in an attempt to be “good”. This task for carriers of hard self-esteem alone is practically impossible.

In therapy, working with self-esteem is a laborious process, because it is not easy to change the image of yourself and the way you deal with yourself, with which you have lived a lifetime. It can be very difficult for the client to accept support, sympathy and corrective feedback from the therapist. Therapy is a relationship. And this means that both the client and the therapist influence each other. The experience of self-presentation, the experience that the other hears you and is ready to take into account, or honestly acknowledge their limitations, the experience of making mistakes, the experience of requests, rather than reproaches, is the foundation on which the client's healthy self-esteem and his ability for creative behavior are restored.

When a client gains enough individual therapeutic experience, I find it especially useful to participate in a therapeutic group. Relations in a group with different people give the client the opportunity to significantly expand their behavioral repertoire and their self-perception. And then, having this important experience - to be yourself in different manifestations, evaluate yourself and reality, make choices, take risks and act or refuse to take action where appropriate, we can begin to creatively bring ourselves to the vast world around us, relying on his self-esteem as a flexible function of communication with life, and not suffocating under it, as under a gravestone.

P. S. Those who want to take the first step and try to see themselves without habitual self-discipline and criticismWe invite you on March 19 to

To love ourselves is not an easy task, because many of us are tormented by complexes, fears, and insecurity in ourselves and tomorrow. Hence the lack of complete harmony with oneself and with the surrounding world, without which in our time, alas, nowhere. How to learn to love yourself? After all, this directly depends on how well others will relate to you. Simple tips for every day will help you get closer to perfect harmony and gain coveted self-confidence and self-confidence.

1. Identify the reasons

First you need to determine the reasons for your insecurity and dislike for yourself. Perhaps the origins of the complexes should be sought in your childhood, because in some cases, the parents, without realizing it, put a negative imprint on us for our whole life. If you are disappointed in the entire male gender, perhaps the reason may be your bad experience. If you understand what the reason is, then understanding yourself and your relationships with others will be much easier.

2. Defeat them

The reasons are identified, and now your task is to cope with them. Or just forget about them. If it does not work out, then you need to work on yourself and convince yourself that all your negative past is just a useful experience that was necessary for you on the path to perfect harmony and absolute happiness. Do not let negative emotions take hold of you, and then life will be beautiful.

3. Identify your advantages

There is no such person who would not have strengths. Surely you have them, and in large quantities. You only need to correctly identify them. Suppose you consider yourself chubby, but at the same time you have attractive feminine forms. Yes, and at work you are loved and appreciated. And your character, most likely, has traits for which you should admire yourself.

4. Develop them

When positive qualities are determined, it is worthwhile to direct all your forces to their development. Emphasize the merits of your appearance, focus on your best character traits, improve knowledge and skills. In general, do everything possible to get closer to that ideal that will give you the opportunity to feel at your best.

5. Connect with strong people

Your environment should consist more of those people that you can strive for, and with whom you can take an example. As a rule, losers only set us in an even more negative way. Think about it: perhaps right now it is time to review your social circle and improve it.

Continued on next page ...

What makes you think badly of yourself? Why do we not love ourselves so much? Why do we believe that life failed, and our abilities are zero? We sincerely want to correct the situation, accept ourselves, and we cannot understand what caused dissatisfaction with our own "I".

There are many reasons that make you feel negative about yourself. This, for example, criticism of other people. After all, someone has been evaluating us all his life! Our friends, relatives, colleagues or even unfamiliar people. And, of course, they are not always correct in their statements. If we take too close to our hearts the judgments of others about us and our actions, and consider their words an objective truth, then our self-esteem suffers significantly. We ourselves are able to evaluate our life, because it is ours, and it is we who know everything about it, including the motives of certain actions that may seem completely unreasonable to someone from the outside.

Often in our lives we attach great importance to certain events. For some, very much, for others a family. And if something doesn’t stick in the area of \u200b\u200blife that is important to us, if we are being pursued after another, self-esteem will inevitably fall. Are you putting all your efforts into the work, but cannot get a promotion in any way? In the head of the slice there are many thoughts about their own failure. It is important to stop and think here, is this event really important in your life? After all, this is not all that it consists of. There are friends with whom you have a great relationship, loving parents or a wife, and you are also very good at technology! Life is not limited only to this increase, it is much wider and more diverse. Can not all these advantages outshine the failures at work, which, by the way, will not last forever?

Another reason for low self-esteem is too high expectations from ourselves. We are seizing on an excessive amount of work, and even want to do it in the shortest possible time! As a result, the desired result cannot be achieved, and we lose faith in our strengths, but do not assess the complexity of the task. Indeed, in our place no one could handle it!

And self-esteem is closely linked to loneliness. People are social beings, we just need relationships with our own kind. Imagine a situation when a person lives alone, he has no friends, he does not maintain contact with his family, in a word, he is completely lonely. Looking at such a situation from the outside, we will most likely say that such a person is inferior. This is the opinion of society, and we ourselves feel something deprived when there are no close people nearby, when no one can support us in difficult times. Perhaps in these moments thoughts will flash in our head that since we were unable to establish relations with anyone, we are not worthy of respect and love. These thoughts must be driven away from oneself, and the faster the better. Due to the inability to communicate and establish contacts, many feel isolated and realize that they are deprived of some important part of their lives, which means that they feel inferior. Develop communication skills, be and do not be afraid to take the initiative.

Our low self-esteem can be caused by various reasons, but if we are aware of this problem and are determined not to back down, everything is in our hands! Having understood how and why self-dislike arises, we have a chance to look at the situation in a new way, without illusions and embellishment. The main thing is to start acting and not stop there, because the first step has already been taken!

It turns out I don’t like myself at all. If earlier I thought that at least partially, then after our lesson - nope. All the tricks you talked about are peculiar to me. And I thought it was a manifestation of love.

The most basic problem is putting off self-love for later. It seems that I do not see the point.

Even when I have time, I find something to do, but not myself. I am either too lazy, or right now I want to do something else. Such a strong resistance, just a sharp reluctance!

Where to start all the same? To force? As soon as I start to "engage in myself", the body breaks already.

Hope

Nadia, yes. First you have to force yourself. Keep track of how your mind distracts you on social networks, sleep, do something “more important and urgent” - just not to engage in yourself.

AND at the beginning - force yourself to do this. I will explain why.

All the emotions that you experience, all your actions, thoughts and words lead to certain biochemical processes in the body.

An emotion of anger injects some chemical elements into the blood, irritation - others, apathy - third, joy - fourth. Cigarettes - fifth, etc.

You lived most of your life, feeling your “bouquet” of emotions, among which there was no love for yourself, causeless joy and pleasure, for which you would not feel guilty. This means that your body is accustomed to a specific set of biochemical elements.

And now you “suddenly” begin to take care of yourself, support yourself, take care of your joy ... and completely different biochemical processes begin in the body. Not familiar to you, new to you.

And the body and psyche begin to break. They require the usual food.

When an alcoholic stops drinking vodka, he begins to break. For him, the real “salvation” is to drink a glass, because this glass will take away breaking!

That's why at least three hundred times you want to feel happiness, joy, love for yourself, and you can’t avoid a period of withdrawal. The body and psyche will resist and demand that you return to your old behavior. Consider yourself a drug addict who sits on the needle of "suffering and self-dislike."

So, if you want to get rid of this biochemical dependence, you need to know about it.

Breaking will be. And you just have to survive it. Yes, at first - on willpower.

If you really want to start living in joy, ease and love, just keep track of how the mind resists. You can talk to him, calm him down, say: “Dear, I understand you, you are in shock, it’s unusual for you. But now I decided to live in love and joy. And stress, discontent and guilt - in the furnace. So, get used to the new biochemistry. " And calmly, systematically (at first - on the strength of will) you do what you consider necessary. Over time, resistance will weaken.

The second one. You wrote that you yourself do not understand why you need to deal with yourself.And so, you need to start with the realization of why, in fact, why.

To answer this question for yourself is your most important task.You will not find the answer in books, in trainings. Other people's answers will never be yours. In the very depths of your essence, you will have to find your own reasons for loving yourself and taking care of yourself.

What for? Or maybe not at all? Well, forget it! The important thing is not whether you are doing yourself or not. And whether you are happy or unhappy. Do you wake up with the thought of how great it is to live, after all?

And if you are NOT happy, what do you still not understand? You tried to solve your problems, doing the opposite - doing other people. Passing out completely, catering to them, striving to do everything to make them happy. Did this help you? So, maybe it makes sense to admit that this method does not work? And since it doesn’t work like this, maybe you should try differently?

In general, you yourself must answer the question - why do you need to love yourself and do it yourself. Until you answer this question clearly and clearly, you will sabotage and be distracted.

Live 24 hours a day with one question in mind: why? The task is considered complete when the answer that is born within you will hook you emotionally.

Some time ago, I went around asking why I should live. I suddenly found that I did not see any reason to live that would touch me.

Everything has been seen hundreds of times .. The games that people play with rapture are not interesting .. It’s “failed” to unleash the full power of my potential. But gray I didn’t want. I was not afraid to leave, but for some reason I did not leave. I was between. And it is not clear why to live, and it’s a pity to leave.

It suddenly dawned on me that I therefore live “in no way” because I have not made the final decision whether to live or not to live. And if you live, then why.

All standard answers such as “God gave life, and only God has the right to take it ... for the sake of parents ... save humanity ... change the world for the better” ... it's just scary to die ”- do not fit. Because they do not touch.

And for three days, day and night, I lived with one single question: why should I live? I was looking inside myself for reasons that would have touched me with goosebumps. I found them.

But my reasons will never be yours. And so I do not write you the “what” I found. You have your own. And you also need to find them. In the very depths of your being. Why do you care about yourself? Why do you need to love yourself?

And after that - the third. The reason for your resistance to engage in yourself is because your subconscious sees this as some kind of danger, or something unpleasant, undesirable.

At some level, for you to engage in yourself and love yourself is bad. And so your mind takes you away from it.

You need to pull this out. It is done like this. Immediately after waking up, without even getting into the toilet, you pick up a notebook and answer the following questions:

What is bad, unpleasant is that I will deal with myself and love myself?

What good will I lose if I deal with myself and love myself?

And you write at least 50 answers for each. Without thinking them over, without analyzing them, you simply write, even if it seems to you that this is irrelevant. This is how you pull out all those obstacles, all the reasons why your mind sabotages the process.

All this will need to be considered and changed (if before that you clearly answered yourself - why do you choose to deal with yourself and love yourself).

If there are limiting beliefs, rewrite them. Fears-emotions - to meet with them, live and work out any technique. You will need to look at each obstruction objection and decide what you will do with it.

And yes, I remind you, you will first have to do this through willpower, forcing yourself. But two things will help you:

1) understanding that resistance is normal. This breaking always happens, simply because the body is used to a different biochemistry.

2) the answer to the question, why do you need it. Obtained from the very depths of your heart.