Passive-aggressive behavior. How to protect yourself from passive-aggressive behavior

There are people around each of us whose relationships are more like a roller coaster.

Sometimes we can talk with them at ease, and sometimes we suddenly encounter their isolation and even hostility. What is the reason for this behavior?

According to the American psychologist Harriet Lerner, aggression is a way of expressing anger. Even the most timid and calm person cannot say that he never showed aggressive emotions in people. Indeed, in reasonable doses, aggression is necessary to storm traffic jams, “burning” projects and intractable partners. But there are such forms that are difficult to identify, which means it is not easy to overcome. Of these, passive aggression is the most sophisticated and destructive.

Recognize the aggressor.

Passive-aggressive behavior is a manner of behavior in which passive resistance is expressed to negative remarks of the opponent and the set goals are achieved by the person. People who prefer a passive-aggressive way of communicating will not openly oppose what they don't like. They have accumulated voltage that requires an output, manifests itself through a refusal to perform any action. This behavior pattern becomes aggressive due to the fact that “no” is not expressed explicitly, but passively. Here are the most common installations.

"I am not angry"

Denying feelings of anger is a classic passive-aggressive behavior. Instead of honestly confessing his negative feelings and explaining what caused them, the person will continue to say: "I'm not angry." Although at this time, an emotional storm of almost global proportions can occur inside.

"OK, it's up to you"

Sulking and moving away from a direct answer or arguments is another classic version of passive-aggressive behavior. Instead of saying that you don’t like something and presenting your counterarguments, the person closes and answers the standard “good” or “as you say, so be it.” Thus, anger is expressed in indirect ways, and the door for open dialogue closes.

"Yes, I'm coming already!"

This item requires no explanation. Just try to call the child to clean the room, do homework, wash dishes, sit down to eat a not very tasty dish. How many times will he need to be called? And in what tone will he say this “I'm coming!” For the tenth time? However, this is done not only by children, but also by adults, if they really do not want to do what they are called for. Thus, they at least briefly postpone the inevitable.

“I did not know what you mean to do now”

This phrase is one of the favorite among procrastinators (from English procrastination - delay, procrastination, from lat. Procrastinatus - the tendency to constantly “put off until later” unpleasant thoughts and deeds. In other words, procrastinators are slow people in decision-making, speaking simple modern language, “brakes.” If a person is given a task that he doesn’t really want to do, he will postpone it in all available ways. Correspondingly, if they ask him if he has already completed the task, the excuse will be standard: “But I don’t know What do you mean to do it now! "This phrase means that this task a person uncomfortable, and he is unlikely to quickly execute it even after the n-th reminders. And this is definitely the job of his angers.

“You want everything to be perfect”

When the constant postponement for later is no longer suitable, the person finds another option - to blame the one who gave the task. The student did not have time to do homework - the teacher is guilty, who wants everything to be perfect. The employee has exceeded the limit of funds allocated for the project - the employer is to blame, which requires perfect results for such little money, etc.

“I thought you know”

With this phrase, a person expresses his hidden aggression through a conscious concealment of information that could help. Usually small dirty tricks or those who like intrigue are engaged in such concealment. They did not show the letter, they did not say about the call - any trifle can be used. There was a conflict or embarrassment, but it turns out that you should, like, be aware of that annoying little thing that led to all this. How, you did not know ?! And I thought (thought) that you know ...

“Of course I would be happy.”

This phrase is preferred, first of all, by representatives of attendants, telephone operators or employees who are engaged in paper affairs. They can smile at you anytime and sweetly. They may promise that your case will be considered in the first place, but most likely, the more persistently you insist on urgency, the further the resolution of the issue will move forward. Up to the point that your papers may end up in the trash bin marked "Refuse." It is not known why, but very often people whose job it is to accept papers consider themselves to be almost the center of the universe and think that only the positive outcome of your business depends on them.

“You did so well for a person with your educational level (qualification)!”

This phrase can already be attributed to the category of dubious compliments. Very often it is pronounced by those who want to offend you and cause unpleasant emotions. And bribes are smooth with them: they didn’t offend you, but they made a compliment!

“I was only joking”

Sarcasm is another option to covertly express your aggression towards a person. You can say some disgusting things, and then immediately backtrack: “I was just joking!” And then any harsh response of the person to whom the aggression was directed can be turned against him, saying that he has absolutely no sense of humor. In fact, you don’t understand jokes?

"Why are you so upset (a)?"

After the aforementioned crude joke, a person may ask why his interlocutor is so upset. In fact, he will specifically ask his question in this or another obvious situation, after which it would be strange not to be upset. Thus, he will receive a hidden pleasure from the fact that again will unbalance you.

What is the way out of all these situations? If you feel that they are trying to anger you with such phrases, just do not react to them: this is a banal provocation in a hidden form.

The theory of "hidden threats"

The word "passive" in translation from Latin means "suffering". Passive aggression really hits its source no less than the one to whom it is directed. It becomes the basis for many fears: fear of dependence on relationships, fear of rejection, intimophobia (fear of emotional intimacy), fear of encountering your own and others' emotions. This gives rise to a defensive reaction: emotional distance, avoiding intimacy in relationships. When a child is scared, he cries, screams, runs away, hides. An adult does almost the same thing, only dresses it up in “decent” forms: avoids communication, forgets, doesn’t participate in relationships under specious pretexts, as if he hangs out the “I’ve gone, I’ll be back soon” sign. And if in social situations (at work, in the company of friends) you can still close your eyes to this, then in personal relationships such behavior hurts both - and the partner who does not understand anything, and the aggressor himself.

Psychoanalysts believe that at least 70% of men show passive aggression. But women also suffer from this "disease." After all, society requires us to be soft and non-conflict. And under the pressure of the stereotype of femininity or fear of losing relationships, aggression takes on hidden forms.

It is important for a person suffering from passive aggression to understand: this way of behavior destroys both relations with dear people and his own body. Probably the best way out is to try to survive the inner pain and distrust. Or you have to choose a safe distance in the relationship and abandon the thought of intimacy.

The main features of the passive aggressor:

He sets things aside until it is too late;

It does not fulfill promises, “forgets” about agreements, avoids emotional intimacy;

Denies, turns everything upside down, making the partner guilty;

Unclearly expresses his position, “confuses the tracks”;

Does not show attention: does not call, does not write SMS;

It sends conflicting signals: for example, it speaks of love, but acts in such a way that you suspect the opposite.

Never apologize.

4 opposition strategies

1. Recognize the signals of passive-aggressive behavior in advance: it is procrastination, ignoring, silence, avoiding discussion of the problem, gossip.

2. Do not succumb to provocations. The subconscious goal of the passive aggressor is to get you crazy. If you feel that you are starting to boil, try calmly expressing the negative: "I will not scream, because this will only aggravate the situation."

3. Point out to the passive aggressor the anger that he is experiencing - such people ignore this particular emotion. The opinion should be confirmed by a concrete fact, for example: "It seems to me that you are angry with me now because I asked you to do this."

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Passive aggressive behavior

Passive-aggressive behavior - these are actions that express anger, but look like unintentional mistakes for the person himself. Usually passively-aggressive people behave who, by virtue of their beliefs or education, cannot express anger at another person or refuse him something .

An example of passive-aggressive behavior: the parent asked the child to clean the floors, and the child does not want to do this. He can’t refuse, therefore he washes the floors, but so badly that the parent has to wash them. In this case, the purpose of this behavior is to prevent the parents from asking the child to clean the floors. In addition, the child may already be angry with her parents for something, so it gives him particular pleasure to watch how the parent is angry and washes the floors himself.

One more example. The girl is angry with her young man for not offering her to marry, but cannot express her anger, since she believes that the girl should not be imposed. She can make a mess at home, knowing that the guy really values \u200b\u200border, or be late all the time, knowing how important punctuality is for him.

If a passive-aggressive person refuses, expresses anger or revenge intentionally, he will experience a strong sense of guilt, because he believes that doing so is not good. However, if he does something bad, not intentionally, but by accident, then he is rarely angry at him because he is not to blame. When there is a ban on the expression of negative emotions, they still somehow manifest themselves in behavior: either in irritated intonation, or in the form of passive-aggressive behavior.

What are passive-aggressive actions? One of the most frequent passive-aggressive actions is to forget something important for another person, for example, to buy some product without which another person cannot eat, or to forget papers important for this person. Constant delays of 20-40 minutes, with which a person is simply completely unable to do anything, is also an example of passive aggression.

The unconscious goal of passive aggression is to avenge another person for something, most often for his inability to say no when this person asks for something. A passive-aggressive person first agrees to do something unpleasant for himself, is unable to refuse, and then takes revenge and watches how the other person is upset or angry, and receives unconscious satisfaction from the fact that he is punished.

The second goal is to avoid punishment for revenge. If we commit acts that cause anger in other people, then we are punished for this in the form of their discontent, retaliatory anger or refusal of any actions we need. Passive-aggressive type of behavior is usually not considered by other people as intentional, and therefore as a result of it it is possible to escape from immediate reckoning, although the relationship gradually deteriorates, since the other person is still angry at such actions and begins to avoid communication.

If you communicate with a passive-aggressive person and cannot stop communicating with her, then I advise you to ensure that the second goal of such behavior is not realized. When you are angry about something in the behavior of another person, express your irritation, insist that such behavior stop; say that it doesn’t matter to you if you accidentally do this or on purpose.

You cannot force the other person to do otherwise, but you can help to make them aware of the purpose of such actions. Most often in this case, a person stops doing this if relations with you are important to him and if he has reason to think that such actions will affect your communication.

Find and reveal the causes of passive-aggressive actions, for example, say: “It seems to me that you didn’t want to do this for me, but you didn’t say“ no ”to me, but now you forgot this and thus avenged me.” Usually, unconscious manipulations cannot be performed further if a person begins to understand that he is taking revenge. Such awareness can happen if you connect several times what could upset a person and what he “accidentally” did.

Surely, in your life you have met people who, it would seem, do nothing special, but involve them in interacting with them.

For example, on a plane, a man has sat down for you, who cannot sit down. He does not directly tell you anything, does not ask for anything, but you constantly pay attention to his sighs or indignation, grumbling and grunts.

Or in the subway there is a lover to listen to music loudly or accidentally fall on you, or completely accidentally push.

Or maybe, among your friends there is a King of irony and sarcasm, who is not averse to playing a trick or giving a caustic comment on every convenient occasion?

Or, among your colleagues, there is someone who is always late for an important event and tries to come in so "quietly" (sincerely try!) That everyone will pay attention to him.

And maybe you have long had a friend who is trying, trying to start a business or find a job, but there are no achievements. He is very fussy, often forgets something, seems to do a lot, but as a result he does not receive anything, feeling and expressing, mainly, irritation. And you listen to his complaints, for the time being sincerely trying to help him, find a way out of the impasse, save him with all your own strength, but then you start to get very angry, give advice in a rude edifying way, or just wave your hand at him!

Or one of your friends at each meeting, then by chance will ask something: “Why do you still have no children with your husband?”, He will sympathetically sigh and say: “In fact, I really feel sorry for you!”.

Caution: Passive-aggressive behavior!

What unites all these different people?

And in common with such people is their form of behavior, which in psychology is called   passively aggressive.

Term “Passively aggressive”   first used by an American military psychiatrist, William Menninger.

And it was used in relation to soldiers during the Second World War, who sabotaged the execution of orders, but never did it openly. They either did everything half-heartedly, ineffectively and unproductively, or secretly indignant about the order or the commander, delayed the time ... But they never openly expressed their anger or unwillingness to do.

Soon after, a special type of passive-aggressive disorder was included in the famous clinical reference book - DSM, but because of the lack of clarity in the description of clinical manifestations in the fourth edition, it was excluded from the list of personality disorders.

But, nevertheless, in psychology and psychotherapy the term has remained and continues to be used to describe a special type of personality behavior.

In addition, some psychologists argue that in this way, in difficult periods of our lives, each of us is inclined to behave when, not finding other ways to defend ourselves, to define our borders, to express our opinions, we resort to a passive-aggressive form.

How is passive-aggressive behavior manifested?

• The refusal to communicate, ignoring (a kind of "boycott" that "makes" feel guilty to the one to whom it is addressed);
• In the depreciation of: feelings, achievements, abilities (“Come on you get upset over trifles!”, “Don’t cry, you are a man!”, “Only fools can’t do it”);
• In accusation or criticism: (“You do not succeed, because you are doing the wrong thing!”, “Here again, because of you, I lost a lot of time”);
• In a constant invasion of personal life, disguised as care (for example, a mother, with whom an adult son still lives, picks up his clothes every morning and straightens his tie or collar);
• Control through third parties (as an example, the mother-in-law calls the daughter-in-law with a request to check whether her son has bought winter pants, because it has already become colder on the street);
• Scolding herself for some actions or inaction (Example: a granddaughter visiting her grandmother asks for socks because her legs are frozen. Grandmother gives them to her, but then starts scolding herself for not observing that the granddaughter’s feet are freezing and didn’t give socks before) ...

In fact, there are a lot of manifestations. And this is not all of the possible options.

The main thing is to understand that their main essence is to avoid direct contact and closeness, not to openly express oneself, not to declare one’s needs directly, not to defend one’s borders, not to take responsibility, but at least to express oneself and stay in a relationship.

As a result, a person who is in a relationship with someone who behaves in this way can begin to limit himself in some manifestations of thoughts, feelings, plans, desires. He may begin to feel uncomfortable over the manifestation of his life. There may be a desire to make excuses for their actions or even hide them altogether. The rare feelings that arise are anger, resentment, guilt, shame.

How to cope with your own passive aggression or to resist it if it is directed against you?

The first thing to remember and work on is personal boundaries! Learn to label and defend them! You are not responsible for the feelings that your partner or interlocutor experiences, for the thoughts that he has.

The boundaries of your responsibility in your feelings, thoughts and behavior! Talk about them directly (For example, if your mother cares too much about your diet, you can say: “Thank you, mother! I really enjoy your care, but I would like to choose my own diet! I have such a need and successful experience in this!” )

Do not forget that advice, help that they don’t ask for is violence!   It is impossible to change, re-educate one who does not want it! Therefore, it is better to answer complaints and grunts with the question: “Can I help you with this?” And if the answer is yes, then measure how much you can actually accomplish this without harming yourself.

Learn to express your feelings   even if they seem “bad” or destructive to you, don’t save them (As an example, after your partner’s unfulfilled promises, it’s important to tell him that you are angry when he does this).

Noticing someone's implicit feeling (for example, the wife washes the dishes very sharply and loudly or cleans the kitchen), important to clarify it thereby acknowledging the right to its existence and inviting to a dialogue (“I see that you are angry. Has something happened? Will you share it?”).

And most importantly, it is important to clarify what kind of behavior is formed, what is behind it, what unmet needs, forbidden feelings are at its core. Naturally, an experienced specialist can safely figure this out during psychotherapeutic work with your request.

Unexpressed inner anger, sabotage of deadlines at work, suppression of feelings - passive aggression can manifest itself in different ways. People with a tendency to conceal resentment can cause a lot of trouble to others and to themselves. Understanding such a person is not always easy, but it is necessary to establish a relationship. It is useful to know its features in order to learn how to interact with such personalities in the least conflict form.

  What is passive aggression

Any person feels a wide range of emotions - from joy to anger, and this is normal. But some, due to their upbringing or personal beliefs, are used to hiding the inner world from others, suppressing the expression of feelings. In this case, negative emotions - anger, rage - will accumulate and look for another way to express themselves. One of such methods is called in psychology "passive aggression".

Passive-aggressive is a behavior that is characterized by suppression of anger. Such a person will not openly resist what he does not like, but will express emotions through refusal, sabotage of some action in a complex, veiled form.

It is often determined that a passive aggressor was brought up in conditions where the expression of emotions was considered a negative trait, and their suppression was considered positive. A person further in life tries not to enter into a confrontation about his beliefs, does not uphold the position that he considers to be true. He does not recognize the feelings and emotions that he experiences, he will protest in silence.

The main signs of passive-aggressive behavior:

• suppression of anger;
• projecting oneself as a victim (people or circumstances), shifting responsibility to others;
• silence - a person does not openly acknowledge his feelings, even if he is wounded to the core;
• hidden sabotage - for example, he does not refuse to go to the cinema, but simply forgets about it;
• manipulating people with guilt.

At work, good relations with passive aggressors do not always develop - they never admit that it is difficult for them to complete the project and need advice from colleagues. They will put pressure on the feeling of pity and guilt until someone surrenders and offers a helping hand. For men at work, this is often manifested by procrastination - the constant postponement of affairs for later, forgetfulness, which lead to frequent quarrels with the employer. A passive aggressor rarely admits his mistake, finding guilty of any other - a colleague, acquaintance or unfamiliar person, and even the boss himself.

In women, this manner is manifested by a fear of control. She does not tolerate the limitation of her will, submission to her husband. He does not admit his feelings, but only gives hints that he is negative about his decisions. Fearing restrictions, she tries to manipulate her spouse, appealing to a feeling of pity. This is especially noticeable in women with a melancholy type of character. A similar behavior is manifested in passive aggression in children - they are prone to disobedience, do not fulfill these promises, justifying this with forgetfulness or minor failures.

  How to build a relationship

You need to understand that aggression is only a behavior, it does not require treatment, but only understanding. A person does not have a personal dislike of anyone from the family or his environment, he is only trying to express his indignation at those issues that concern him, cause him negative emotions. The biggest difficulty in dealing with a passive-aggressive person is that the people around take everything at their own expense, consider such behavior a personal insult.

Knowing the features of the manifestation of passive aggression, you can find ways to get rid of differences:

1. 1. Do not take on a dominant role in the relationship. The aggressor does not like control, he will resist him, and therefore you should not impose opinions and actions, use the phrases “you must”, “be sure to do it”, “listen to me”. It is necessary to give several options, explain your position on each of them, offer to choose the most acceptable.
2. 2. Do not force or impose. The manner of behavior will not allow a person to abandon an imposed opinion, but he will prettyly spoil the life of anyone who does it. If his most significant fears - the fear of control - come true, one cannot hope for mutual understanding and any kind of return in the relationship.
3. 3. Do not give assignments with high responsibility. A person with a tendency to passively express anger is trying to deal with unnecessary obligations. In the case of a difficult situation, where the outcome of important events will depend on him, he is inclined to procrastinate and sabotage, refusing to complete the task.

Character. Meanwhile, he has a number of distinguishing features. Let us further consider how passive aggression is manifested.

General information

Passive-aggressive personality type is characterized by a pronounced resistance to external requirements. As a rule, this is evidenced by obstructive and oppositional actions. Passive-aggressive type of behavior is expressed in delay, low quality of work, "forgetting" of obligations. Often do not meet generally accepted standards. Moreover, a passive-aggressive person resists the need to follow standards. Of course, these characteristics can be observed in other people. But with passive aggression, they become a model of behavior, a pattern. Despite the fact that this form of interaction is not considered the best, it is not too dysfunctional, but until then, until it becomes a pattern of life that impedes the achievement of goals.

Passive-aggressive person: features

People in this category try not to be pushy. They believe that direct confrontation is dangerous. By conducting a personality type test, you can identify the characteristic features of behavior. In particular, people in this category consider confrontation to be one of the ways outsiders interfere in their affairs and control. When addressing such a person with a request that he does not want to fulfill, the combination of indignation with existing external requirements and lack of self-confidence causes a reaction in a provocative manner. Passive-aggressive way of communication does not imply the creation of the possibility of failure. People in this category are also outraged by obligations at school or at work. In general, those who are vested with power are seen as prone to injustice and arbitrariness. Accordingly, as a rule, they blame others for their problems. Such people cannot understand that they create difficulties by their own behavior. Researchers note that, among other things, a passive-aggressive person is easily amenable to a change of mood and tend to pessimistic about what is happening. Such people focus on everything negative.

Personality test

The total pattern of resistance to standards in the professional and social spheres arises in early adulthood. It is expressed in different contexts. Passive aggression is indicated by a number of signs. Person:

History reference

Passive-aggressive behavior has been described for a long time. However, before the Second World War this concept was not used. In 1945, the War Department described the "immature reaction" as a response to the "usual military stress situation." It manifested itself in inadequacy or helplessness, passivity, outbreaks of aggression, obstructionism. In 1949, the term was present in the US Army Technical Bulletin to describe soldiers who had this pattern.

Classification

In DSM-I, the reaction was divided into three categories: passively aggressive, passively dependent and aggressive. The second was characterized by helplessness, a tendency to hold on to those around him, indecision. The first and third categories were distinguished by the reaction of people to frustration (inability to satisfy any need). The aggressive type, in a number of aspects having signs of antisocial, is irritated. His behavior is destructive. A passive-aggressive person makes a displeased face, stubbornly, begins to slow down the work, reduce its effectiveness. In DSM-II, this behavior is categorized. At the same time, aggressive and passive-dependent types are included in the group of "other disorders".

Clinical and experimental data

Despite the fact that the passive-aggressive style of behavior remains poorly understood today, at least two works set out its key characteristics. So, Kening, Trossman and Whitman examined 400 patients. They found that the most common diagnosis was precisely passive-aggressive. Moreover, 23% showed signs of a dependent category. 19% of patients fully corresponded to the passive-aggressive type. In addition, the researchers found that PARL was observed in women half as often as in men. The traditional symptomatic picture included anxiety and depression (41% and 25%, respectively). In passive-aggressive and dependent types, open indignation was suppressed by fear of punishment or guilt. Studies have also been conducted by Moore, Alig, and Resins. They studied 100 patients with a diagnosis of passive-aggressive disorder after 7 and 15 years during the treatment period in the hospital. Scientists have found that problems in social behavior and interpersonal relationships, along with somatic and emotional complaints, were the main symptoms. Researchers have also found that a significant proportion of patients suffer from depression and alcohol abuse.

Automatic thoughts

The conclusions that people with PASS make are reflected in their negativity, isolation, and desire to choose the path of least resistance. For example, any requests are considered as a manifestation of exactingness and importunity. The man’s reaction is that he automatically resists instead of analyzing his desire. The patient is characterized by the belief that others are trying to use it, and if he allows it, it will become a jerk. This form of negativity extends to all thinking. The patient seeks a negative interpretation of most of the events. This applies even to positive and neutral phenomena. This manifestation distinguishes a passively aggressive person from a patient in depression. In the latter case, people focus on self-condemnation or negative thoughts about the future surrounding. A passive-aggressive individual believes that others are trying to establish control over them without appreciating them. If a person receives a negative reaction in return, then he assumes that he was again misunderstood. Automatic thoughts indicate irritation that appears in patients. They often insist that everything should go according to a certain pattern. Such unreasonable requirements contribute to a decrease in resistance to frustration.

Typical Installations

The behavior of patients with PASS expresses their cognitive patterns. Procrastination, poor quality of work are caused by indignation at the need to fulfill duties. A person is determined that he has to do what he does not want. The attitude regarding delay is to follow the path of minimum resistance. For example, a person begins to believe that the matter can be postponed until later. Faced with the adverse consequences of failure to perform duties, he expresses dissatisfaction with others who have power. It can manifest itself in a flash of anger, but most likely passive methods of revenge will be used. For example, sabotage. In psychotherapy, behavior may be accompanied by a refusal to cooperate in treatment.

Emotions

For patients with PARL, the usual conditions will be irritation and the circumstance is understandable, since people believe that they are required to comply with arbitrary standards, they are underestimated or misunderstood. Patients often fail to achieve their goals in the professional sphere, as well as in their personal lives. They are not able to understand how their behavior and existing attitudes influence the difficulties that they have. This leads to further irritation and discontent, as they again believe that the circumstances are to blame. The emotions of patients are largely determined by their vulnerability to external control and the interpretation of requests as a desire to limit their freedom. When interacting with others, they constantly wait for the presentation of requirements and, accordingly, resist.

Prerequisites for Therapy

The main reason for patients asking for help is the complaints of others that these people do not live up to expectations. As a rule, co-workers or spouses turn to psychotherapists. Complaints of the latter are related to patients' reluctance to provide assistance in household chores. Therapists often turn to psychotherapists, dissatisfied with the quality of work performed by subordinates. Another reason for visiting a doctor is depression. The development of this condition is caused by a chronic lack of encouragement in both the professional sphere and in personal life. For example, following the path of minimal resistance, constant dissatisfaction with the requirements can cause a person to believe that he does not succeed.

Considering the environment as a source of control also leads to the formation of a negative attitude towards the world as a whole. If circumstances arise in which patients of a passive-aggressive type, seeking independence and appreciating the freedom of their own actions, begin to believe that others are interfering in their affairs, they may develop a severe form of depression.