Partisans do not give up or what is passive aggression? Psychology of passive aggression.

Passive aggressiveness is an indirect expression of anger, in which a person tries to upset or hurt you in a not so obvious way. The difficulty is that it is easy for such a person to deny the presence of evil intentions. People show a tendency to passive-aggressive behavior for the reason that they do not know how to cope with the conflict properly. However, there are ways to help such a person realize his own behavior and solve the problem of passive aggression through communication.

Steps

Part 1

How to recognize passive-aggressive behavior

Get to know the signs. The insidious nature of passive aggression lies in the fact that a person can plausibly deny this behavior. In response to your accusations, he can say that he does not understand what it is about, or accuse you of overreaction. Always trust your feelings and learn to distinguish between passive aggression.

Make sure you are not exaggerating. It may seem that a person is trying to annoy you, but it is also possible that you are just too dubious and take everything at your own expense. Evaluate your weaknesses - in the past, have you often come across people complicating your life? Does this person look like them? Do you assume that he behaves the same?

Pay attention to the sensations that a person makes you. When dealing with a passively aggressive person, you may feel disappointment, anger, and even despair. It may seem as if you simply cannot please a person, no matter what you say or do.

You may be hurt by the fact that you are the host of passive-aggressive behavior. For example, a person may give you a silent boycott.
You may be confused by the fact that a person constantly complains, but does nothing to correct the situation. Follow your instincts.
Being close to such a person can bore or devastate you, as you spend too much energy to cope with passive-aggressive behavior.

Part 2

Response to Passive-Aggressive Behavior

Always maintain a positive attitude. The power of positive thinking helps you deal with everyday activities. People with passive-aggressive behavior will try to drag you into the funnel of negativity. Sometimes they try to provoke a negative reaction in order to shift their attention to you and appear to be not guilty. Do not allow this.
- Stay positive so as not to fall to their level. Do not give such people a reason. Do not insult them, do not scream or be annoyed. Staying calm, you will be in a better position to shift attention to their actions, and not to their own. Angry, you only distract attention from real problems.
- Model positive behavior. When communicating with children and adults, respond to your conflicts so that others know how to interact with you. Passive aggression emits emotions, hiding them behind a mask of indifference. Instead, be open, honest, express your emotions directly. Faced with passive-aggressive behavior such as demonstrative silence, direct the conversation in a productive way.
Always keep calm. If you are upset, do not rush to make decisions and calm down first (go ahead, turn on the music and dance, solve the crossword puzzle), and then decide what you want to get from this situation, that is, with what reasonable outcome you can reconcile.
- Control your emotions, especially anger. You do not need to directly blame people for passive aggression, this will only allow them to deny everything and accuse you of inflating a problem, excessive susceptibility or suspicion.
- In no case do not lose your temper. Do not let the person understand that he or she was able to bring you out. This will only reinforce their behavior and everything will happen again.
- Refrain from displaying anger or other emotionally charged reactions. So you take the situation into your own hands and look like a person who can not be pushed around.
Start a conversation about a problem. While maintaining emotional stamina, self-esteem and calm, it is best to simply express how you see the situation. For example: “I could be wrong, but I suppose you were upset that Dima was not invited to the party. Let's discuss this? ”
- Speak directly and to the point. If you express your thoughts indistinctly and speak in common phrases, then a person with passive-aggressive behavior can easily twist what has been said. If you are going to confront such a person, it is better to speak directly.
- The danger of confrontation is generated by the possibility of a free interpretation of phrases like "You're back for the old!" So you don’t come to anything, it’s better to immediately say about a specific action. So, if you are annoyed by a silent boycott, then give an example of a specific case when it took place.
A person must realize that he is upset. It’s not necessary to escalate the situation, but remain firm and say: “It looks like you are very upset now” or “It seems that something is bothering you”.

Part 3

How to protect yourself from passive-aggressive behavior

Set boundaries for such people. Of course, you do not want to foment a confrontation, but you also do not need to become a punching bag for passive-aggressive people. This is one form of abuse that can harm you. You have every right to set boundaries.

A common mistake is excessive softness. By losing passive-aggressive behavior, you lose control over the situation. This is a kind of power confrontation. You can remain calm and positive, but at the same time remain strong and firm in your decisions.
Follow established boundaries. Make it clear that you will not tolerate mistreatment. If a person is constantly late and makes you nervous, then let me know that the next time you are late, you just go to the movies without him. This is one way to say that you are not going to pay for someone else's behavior.

Find and consider the root of the problem. The best way to deal with such anger is to evaluate all prospects as soon as possible. To do this, you need to understand the root cause of anger.
- If such a person is not characterized by angry behavior, then talk with common acquaintances who can know the reason and recognize the signs of incipient anger in time.
- Dig deeper and fairly evaluate the reasons that prompt such behavior. Passive aggression is usually a symptom of other problems.
Learn assertive communication. Communication can be aggressive, passive and passively aggressive. The productivity of all these types is inferior to assertive communication.
Understand when it is best to completely avoid encounters with a person. If a person regularly engages in passive-aggressive behavior, then it is obvious that it is better to stop communicating with him. Your well-being is more important.
- Find ways to see such a person as rarely as possible and not be alone. Always be in a team.
- If such people carry only negative energy, then think twice whether it is in principle worth communicating with them.
Do not share information that can be used against you. Do not give passive-aggressive people personal information, your emotions and thoughts.
- Such people may ask questions that at first glance seem innocent and without malice. You can answer them, but do not go into details. Be friendly, but respond briefly and vaguely.
- Avoid talking about your feelings and weaknesses. Passive-aggressive personalities often remember such details, even mentioned in passing, and later use them against you.
Contact your reseller for help. This should be an objective representative of a third party from the personnel department, a close (but objective) relative or mutual friend. The bottom line is to engage a person whom you trust not only, but also your passively aggressive interlocutor.
- Before meeting with the mediator, inform him or her of your concerns. Try to look at the situation from a different point of view and understand what causes anger. Do without reprehensibility and try to understand the reasons for repulsive behavior in a situation when you are trying to help.
- In a one-on-one conversation, you run the risk of hearing “Come on, it's just a joke” or “You are reacting too sharply.” That is why it is better to use a third party.
Report the consequences if the person does not change their behavior. Since passive-aggressive individuals act secretly, they almost always resist attempts to change their behavior. Denials, excuses, and arrow translations are just a few of the patterns.
- Regardless of the answer, state what you intend to do. It is important to give one or two hard consequences in order to encourage such a person to reconsider his behavior.
- The ability to understand and outline the consequences is one of the most effective ways to make a passively aggressive person “give in”. Properly informed consequences will stop a complex person and may change his unwillingness to cooperate.
Reinforce proper behavior. In the context of behavioral psychology, reinforcement refers to something that you do or give to a person after he has followed a certain behavior. The purpose of reinforcement is to increase the frequency of such behavior.
- This may mean a reward for good behavior that needs to be preserved, or a punishment for bad behavior that needs to be eliminated. Positive reinforcement is not the easiest task, since negative behavior is more apparent than positive. Always try to consider good behavior so as not to miss the opportunity to reinforce it.
- For example, if a passively aggressive person opens up and honestly voices his feelings (“It seems to me that you behave this way with me on purpose!”), Then this is a great sign! Fix this behavior with the following words: “Thank you for sharing with me. I really appreciate that you can tell me about your feelings. "
- This will attract positive attention to good behavior, will allow you to learn emotions. Now you can try to start an open dialogue.

If you find fault, grumble and get angry, then you will only kindle a conflict and give a person more excuses and reasons not to accept responsibility.
Accepting such behavior or accepting someone else's responsibility, you allow and encourage passive-aggressive behavior.
People with this behavior often feel proud of their ability to control emotions.

Even if you have not heard of such a term as passive aggression, you must have come across this phenomenon. Moreover, many of us act as passive aggressors from time to time. However, for some this is a one-time, situational behavior, for others it is a “basic model”. We suggest to sort it out, what is passive aggression and how to resist those who use it on us.

By passive aggressors in this article we will understand those who often resort to such behavior - in general, in life or in specific situations / when interacting with specific people.

In relation to other people

Imagine a person who feels anger, hostility, anger, resentment towards someone, but cannot or does not want to express his feelings openly. However, he still considers it necessary to demonstrate his negative attitude - so that outwardly it does not violate social, social, ethical standardsbut eloquently conveyed his feelings and emotions.

And there are various means for this. The most common example is a “well-chosen” gift (say, a passive aggressor knows that an unpleasant person is on a diet, but still gives sweets; for a vegetarian, he will buy a set for barbecue, and for a person with bad teeth - nuts). They can use deliberate delaying of time at work (but so that formally it was impossible to try disciplinary measures), actively imposing one’s opinion under the guise of caring (typical for tense relationships within the family, especially in mother-in-law’s couples, mother-in-law, daughter-in-law) and other options . All this is manifestations of a passive-aggressive behavior model.

Its main feature is that with outwardly positive or neutral behavior, a person hurts, offends, annoys, or otherwise negatively affects the person against whom this attitude is directed. This is precisely the meaning of passive aggression - to annoy, cause anger, retaliatory aggression, etc., but formally look like he had nothing to do with it. From the side it turns out that the aggressor is white and fluffy, and his vis-a-vis starts a conflict, too nervous and reacts violently to everything.

It should be distinguished manifestations of passive aggression from very annoying in their care or simply tactless people. The main difference is that the goal of the aggressor is to annoy, anger. While caring / tactless such a task does not set itself.

In relation to any case

Passive aggression may concern not only the "objectionable person", but also "Objectionable business" (both at work and in personal life). Here we may also be faced with a delay of time, with the fact that the task will not be done at all (under some plausible pretext) or done carelessly, for show.
In such cases, the case is often procrastinated to the very last moment, and then it is executed at a very fast pace or not at all.

Sometimes aggressors initially know that they will not do anything or will, but after the sleevesHowever, for one reason or another, they cannot and do not want to say this directly. Here, the manifestation of passive aggression towards a person to whom our hero, in principle, may not experience negative feelings, is associated with the very fact that a similar task was posed.

Such passive-aggressive manifestations in life are found much more often, and even a person who usually does not resort to such a model can use it. For example, when an overtime job was piled ultimately on him, or when distant acquaintances climbed up with inappropriate requests.

In general, passive aggression is manifestation of infantile behavior. Sometimes a person [sort of like] is forced to resort to this method, because decency does not allow you to do otherwise - because of subordination, because you do not want to completely ruin the relationship, because the aggressor realizes the rightness of other people, but still Feels annoyed and annoyed. For example, a person can have a lot of work, but a colleague reminds him of a presentation that should be made a week ago. Formally, our hero understands that a colleague has nothing to do with it, but he is still angry with him and makes a presentation for show.

There are people who constantly resort to such a model of expression of emotions and actually learn it since childhood. In particular, this may be due to the fact that a person strives with all his might avoid direct conflict, because he does not know how or does not know how to behave in this case. The aggressor, as a rule, hopes that his “little fingers”, formally expressed in a socially acceptable form, will not lead to an open conflict and
therefore, chooses this form of manifestation of emotions.

Sometimes people basically not used / afraid to show feelings openly. As a rule, such behavior is reinforced by parents in childhood, denying the right of a son or daughter to show emotions, saying that this is wrong, or even punishing them. An example is when a child is angry or crying, they say, “Well, you were different, it’s still good,” “Well, now I stopped crying,” “Don’t make tantrums, there’s nothing like that”, etc. If the parents too often plugged the child in this way, without delving into his problem, the attitude is formed in the little man: feelings cannot be shown openly. But they do not go away from this on their own, so the child gets used to expressing them veiled. In adulthood, the aggressor, as it were, forces his opponent to start an open conflict instead of himself - but when he started (not by our hero), you can already express feelings openly.

Be that as it may, mature, self-sufficient individuals do not resort to passive aggression against other people.

How to resist a passive aggressor?

Communication with a passive aggressor (if his behavior is directed in your direction) is usually associated with negative emotions, and often you also cannot express them openly - because of the same rules of decency or subordination that "forced" the aggressor to resort to his models. And sometimes the whole point is that formally no one did anything bad to you and there seems to be nothing to conflict with. Nevertheless, the severity of communication hangs, becoming a source of irritation and other negative emotions. Here are some tips for dealing with passive aggression.

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Somewhere in the locker room of a fitness club one can easily hear: “You see, I’m out of luck, he turned out to be a passive aggressor ...” This expression is often used without an accurate idea of \u200b\u200bwhat is hidden behind it. The term itself was proposed during World War II by an American military psychiatrist, Colonel William Menninger. He noticed that some soldiers refuse to obey orders: not rebelling against them openly, they drag on time, grumble, act inefficiently, that is, engage in passive sabotage.

Subsequently, passive-aggressive personality disorders were included in the famous DSM, Diagnostic and Statistical Handbook of Mental Disorders, compiled by the influential American Psychiatric Association. And then removed from it in 1994, when the fourth edition was published: their clinical description seemed to the compilers not clear enough.

In our era of narcissism, the number of addictions, depression, passive-aggressive disorders increased

Although the term was deleted from the psychiatric classification, it did not disappear, but gradually penetrated into everyday speech. Many experts also continue to use it and even believe that there are more and more personalities of this type. “In Freud’s time, sexual repression contributed to hysteria or obsessions, - clarifies psychoanalyst Marie-José Lacroix. “In our era, with its narcissism and uncertainty about the future, we are seeing an increase in the number of addictions, depressions, as well as borderline and passive-aggressive disorders.”

Masked resistance

This is not to say that passive-aggressive behavior is inherent in any one type of personality. We all tend to behave this way during certain periods of our lives, psychologists Christophe André and François Lelord point out 1. For example, in adolescence or in adverse circumstances. We can “slow down” and “stupid” when we disagree with others, but out of fear of punishment we do not dare to openly show disobedience. This behavior disappears when we find other ways to defend and survive.

But there are those among us for whom disguised disobedience becomes the only way to communicate. “It is difficult for them to enter into a confrontation openly, since open aggression, self-defense, does not fit into the image of the“ right ”person with what they think of themselves,” says Grigory Gorshunin, psychiatrist and psychotherapist. “Therefore, they resort to sabotage in all areas - in love, social life, at work, with friends ... This makes communication with them very unpleasant.” “Their passivity in facing life's difficulties greatly complicates the relationship,” confirms Marie-José Lacroix. To inertia is added the suppressed anger that others feel and which ultimately becomes unbearable.

We all tend to behave passively aggressively during certain periods of our lives.

“When Mary got to work, we were glad. She looked soft, warm, modest, always ready to help. Her responsibilities included scheduling meetings, handing out mail, making appointments. At first everything went well. In a face-to-face conversation, Mary answered “yes” to all directions. But as soon as the interlocutor turned his back to her, she eloquently rolled her eyes. When they asked her for something, she acted deliberately slowly, complained about any occasion, scolded all our leaders. I tried to listen to her and calm her - in vain. She was finally fired.

She went to court, tried to impersonate a victim, asked several employees to write false evidence. We all refused. Her departure was terrible. She shed tears, letting us know that we are all rascals. She trusted me and explained that she was cursed that her whole life was “spoiled” by “bad people” and that no one would ever protect her from injustices, the victim of which she always became a victim of. ” Telling this story, Lyudmila, an accountant in a company that organizes events, feels vague guilt, but admits in conclusion: “Although it’s terrible to say so, I was relieved when Maria left. “I had the impression of talking to her that I can say and do anything, but that will not change anything.”

Is it possible to defend oneself?

The psychiatrist and psychotherapist Grigory Gorshunin explains how to avoid becoming a victim of a passive-aggressive person.

At work

What to do: Passive-aggressive boss can be taken out only if you do not need encouragement at all. If the tasks are not set clearly enough and if, whatever you do, you are always dissatisfied with this, then the best solution is to leave: at least everyone needs a minimum of recognition. If this is just an employee, then you need to focus on yourself, not to let him pollute your space with his dissatisfaction.
What not to do: Do not let yourself be pulled into a triangle. Do not try to save him and do not attack when he expresses discontent. Do not behave like a victim because he is always unhappy and never gives positive ratings. This will not help you, and you will be at risk of falling into a vicious cycle.

In private life

What to do: Calm him down. A passive aggressor suffers from self-doubt. Ask his opinion so that he doesn’t feel that he is a victim of your authoritarianism. Encourage him to express himself freely so that he does not indulge in gloomy thoughts in his corner.
What not to do: Do not let those who consider themselves entitled to throw their anger and frustration in the face of others to make you a victim. Do not pretend that you do not notice anything: his anger will increase tenfold. Do not scold him, as a parent would do - this is what serves as a “trigger” for his behavior. Demand respect in yourself.

Chronic dissatisfaction

Passive-aggressive individuals are always unhappy because they cannot determine their desires. “Due to the lack of adequate protection, it is difficult for them to understand their true needs,” explains Grigory Gorshunin. - The characteristic chronic sabotage of their work, and often of their own life, resembles the reaction of an offended child who refuses to talk, or self-punishment on the principle of "revenge on the conductor: bought a ticket, went on foot."

Passive aggression can be considered as a kind of psychological masochism, often with a hysterical connotation. Then it is replaced by violent sadistic acting out (“you yourself are all bad”) or bodily reactions, going into illness ”.

When dealing with passively aggressive people, don’t get personal and try to make them feel guilty.

When communicating with passive-aggressive people, do not get personal and try to make them feel guilty because they will turn any words against the “offender”. Anyone who is nearby has to avoid the trap that they set at any cost. “This trap is the victim-stalker-rescue triangle described by psychologist Stephen Karpman,” warns Grigory Gorshunin. - If in a relationship someone takes on one of these three roles, the other in most cases begins to play one of the two remaining. Our task is to realize this in order not to enter a game where there are no winners. ”

Martyrdom and torment

Passive aggressors like to see martyrs in them, and they consider themselves as such. “They fail to take responsibility for what happens to them, for their failures,” explains Marie-José Lacroix. “And scenarios of rather severe masochistic failures often follow each other in their lives.”

At the same time, they easily turn into persecutors, exhausting others, complaining, turning unspoken reproaches to them. They can enjoy the suffering they inflict.Their apparent passivity and inertness, their complete self-focus, hide aggression, which sometimes breaks out in an uncontrolled way. This happens when they find themselves in a situation that they perceive as stressful, although to others it may seem completely ordinary. Then they move to infantile behavior and can suddenly start yelling at others without reason, ignoring the destruction that is being sown around.

They are deprived of a “psychic container” that would help them regulate their behavior.

“Passive aggression is often the result of education, when a child is accustomed to dependence on a figure who enjoys unquestioned authority and power, ”explains Marie-José Lacroix. “A certain form of masochism could arise when a child could not show his needs, show independence, discover who he (or she) is because he was opposed by an overwhelming perfectionist parent ...”

Passive-aggressive personalities lack, in the opinion of the psychoanalyst, a “mental container”. It is built from early childhood using the words of the mother. For example, when a child cries, thinking that he is dying of hunger, his mother speaks to him and reassures him. It helps him endure his destructive impulses and anxiety associated with the fear of death, and allows him to build himself, restrain emotions that are unbearable for him. “She gives the child a kind of shell that protects him from the external environment, which is potentially aggressive and alarming.

Usually such a container allows us to regulate our behavior. But some are deprived of it. They seem to have broken this shell, ”the psychoanalyst continues. This is what happens to passive aggressors: deep down they shout silently: “I want to be heard, I want to live without suppressing my anger!” This thirst remains unfulfilled because they fail to hear the voice of their soul.

1 In the book “How to Communicate with Difficult People” (Generation, 2007).

Character. Meanwhile, he has a number of distinguishing features. Let us further consider how passive aggression is manifested.

General information

Passive-aggressive personality type is characterized by a pronounced resistance to external requirements. As a rule, this is evidenced by obstructive and oppositional actions. Passive-aggressive type of behavior is expressed in delay, low quality of work, "forgetting" of obligations. Often do not meet generally accepted standards. Moreover, a passive-aggressive person resists the need to follow standards. Of course, these characteristics can be observed in other people. But with passive aggression, they become a model of behavior, a pattern. Despite the fact that this form of interaction is not considered the best, it is not too dysfunctional, but until then, until it becomes a pattern of life that impedes the achievement of goals.

Passive-aggressive person: features

People in this category try not to be pushy. They believe that direct confrontation is dangerous. By conducting a personality type test, you can identify the characteristic features of behavior. In particular, people in this category consider confrontation to be one of the ways outsiders interfere in their affairs and control. When addressing such a person with a request that he does not want to fulfill, the combination of indignation with existing external requirements and lack of self-confidence causes a reaction in a provocative manner. Passive-aggressive way of communication does not imply the creation of the possibility of failure. People in this category are also outraged by obligations at school or at work. In general, those who are vested with power are seen as prone to injustice and arbitrariness. Accordingly, as a rule, they blame others for their problems. Such people cannot understand that they create difficulties by their own behavior. Researchers note that, among other things, a passive-aggressive person is easily amenable to a change of mood and tend to pessimistic about what is happening. Such people focus on everything negative.

Personality test

The total pattern of resistance to standards in the professional and social spheres arises in early adulthood. It is expressed in different contexts. Passive aggression is indicated by a number of signs. Person:

History reference

Passive-aggressive behavior has been described for a long time. However, before the Second World War this concept was not used. In 1945, the War Department described the "immature reaction" as a response to the "usual military stress situation." It manifested itself in inadequacy or helplessness, passivity, outbreaks of aggression, obstructionism. In 1949, the term was present in the US Army Technical Bulletin to describe soldiers who had this pattern.

Classification

In DSM-I, the reaction was divided into three categories: passively aggressive, passively dependent and aggressive. The second was characterized by helplessness, a tendency to hold on to those around him, indecision. The first and third categories were distinguished by the reaction of people to frustration (inability to satisfy any need). The aggressive type, in a number of aspects having signs of antisocial, is irritated. His behavior is destructive. A passive-aggressive person makes a displeased face, stubbornly, begins to slow down the work, reduce its effectiveness. In DSM-II, this behavior is categorized. At the same time, aggressive and passive-dependent types are included in the group of "other disorders".

Clinical and experimental data

Despite the fact that the passive-aggressive style of behavior remains poorly understood today, at least two works set out its key characteristics. So, Kening, Trossman and Whitman examined 400 patients. They found that the most common diagnosis was precisely passive-aggressive. Moreover, 23% showed signs of a dependent category. 19% of patients fully corresponded to the passive-aggressive type. In addition, the researchers found that PARL was observed in women half as often as in men. The traditional symptomatic picture included anxiety and depression (41% and 25%, respectively). In passive-aggressive and dependent types, open indignation was suppressed by fear of punishment or guilt. Studies have also been conducted by Moore, Alig, and Resins. They studied 100 patients with a diagnosis of passive-aggressive disorder after 7 and 15 years during the treatment period in the hospital. Scientists have found that problems in social behavior and interpersonal relationships, along with somatic and emotional complaints, were the main symptoms. Researchers have also found that a significant proportion of patients suffer from depression and alcohol abuse.

Automatic thoughts

The conclusions that people with PASS make are reflected in their negativity, isolation, and desire to choose the path of least resistance. For example, any requests are considered as a manifestation of exactingness and importunity. The man’s reaction is that he automatically resists instead of analyzing his desire. The patient is characterized by the belief that others are trying to use it, and if he allows it, it will become a jerk. This form of negativity extends to all thinking. The patient seeks a negative interpretation of most of the events. This applies even to positive and neutral phenomena. This manifestation distinguishes a passively aggressive person from a patient in depression. In the latter case, people focus on self-condemnation or negative thoughts about the future surrounding. A passive-aggressive individual believes that others are trying to establish control over them without appreciating them. If a person receives a negative reaction in return, then he assumes that he was again misunderstood. Automatic thoughts indicate irritation that appears in patients. They often insist that everything should go according to a certain pattern. Such unreasonable requirements contribute to a decrease in resistance to frustration.

Typical Installations

The behavior of patients with PASS expresses their cognitive patterns. Procrastination, poor quality of work are caused by indignation at the need to fulfill duties. A person is determined that he has to do what he does not want. The attitude regarding delay is to follow the path of minimum resistance. For example, a person begins to believe that the matter can be postponed until later. Faced with the adverse consequences of failure to perform duties, he expresses dissatisfaction with others who have power. It can manifest itself in a flash of anger, but most likely passive methods of revenge will be used. For example, sabotage. In psychotherapy, behavior may be accompanied by a refusal to cooperate in treatment.

Emotions

For patients with PARL, the usual conditions will be irritation and the circumstance is understandable, since people believe that they are required to comply with arbitrary standards, they are underestimated or misunderstood. Patients often fail to achieve their goals in the professional sphere, as well as in their personal lives. They are not able to understand how their behavior and existing attitudes influence the difficulties that they have. This leads to further irritation and discontent, as they again believe that the circumstances are to blame. The emotions of patients are largely determined by their vulnerability to external control and the interpretation of requests as a desire to limit their freedom. When interacting with others, they constantly wait for the presentation of requirements and, accordingly, resist.

Prerequisites for Therapy

The main reason for patients asking for help is the complaints of others that these people do not live up to expectations. As a rule, co-workers or spouses turn to psychotherapists. Complaints of the latter are related to patients' reluctance to provide assistance in household chores. Therapists often turn to psychotherapists, dissatisfied with the quality of work performed by subordinates. Another reason for visiting a doctor is depression. The development of this condition is caused by a chronic lack of encouragement in both the professional sphere and in personal life. For example, following the path of minimal resistance, constant dissatisfaction with the requirements can cause a person to believe that he does not succeed.

Considering the environment as a source of control also leads to the formation of a negative attitude towards the world as a whole. If circumstances arise in which patients of a passive-aggressive type, seeking independence and appreciating the freedom of their own actions, begin to believe that others are interfering in their affairs, they may develop a severe form of depression.

Passive-aggressive personalities

People with passive-aggressive personality disorder have the opposite style, which indicates their unwillingness to receive recognition and support from people with power.

Their main problem lies in the conflict between the desire to receive the benefits that power and the owners of resources favor, and the desire to maintain their independence. Therefore, they try to maintain a relationship by becoming passive and submissive, but when they feel that they have lost independence, they overthrow the government.

These people can perceive themselves as self-sufficient, but vulnerable to outside intrusion. However, they are drawn to strong people and organizations, as they crave social approval and support.

The desire to "join" is often confronted with fear of intrusion and influence from others. However, they perceive others as intrusive, demanding, interfering, controlling and dominant. Especially often passive-aggressive individuals think so about people with power. And at the same time they consider them capable of acceptance, support and care.

The inner hidden beliefs of a passive-aggressive person are associated with the following ideas: “It is unbearable to be under the control of others,” “I must do everything my own way,” “I earned approval for everything I did.”

Their conflicts are expressed in a clash of beliefs: “I need someone with strength and power to support me and take care of me” versus: “I must defend my independence and self-reliance”, “If I adhere to other people's rules, I lose my freedom of action” .

The behavior of such people is expressed in the postponement of the actions that the authorities expect of them, or in superficial submission, but disobedience on the merits. Typically, such a person resists the demands of others, both in the professional field and in personal relationships. But it does it in an indirect way: it pulls with work, takes offense, “forgets”, complains that it is not understood or underestimated.

The main threat and fears are associated with a loss of approval and a decrease in independence. Their strategy is to strengthen their independence through hidden opposition to people in power, and at the same time through a visible search for their protection.

Passive-aggressive individuals try to evade the rules or circumvent them with the help of hidden disobedience. They are often destructive, which takes the form of work not completed on time, non-attendance at classes and the like.

Despite this, at first glance, due to the need for approval, such people can diligently seem obedient and accepting power. They are often passive and generally inclined to follow the path of least resistance, avoiding situations of competition and acting alone.

The typical emotion of passive-aggressive individuals is pent-up anger, which is associated with opposing the rules established by the authorities. He is fully aware and gives way to anxiety in anticipation of reprisals and under the threat of a cessation of power supply.

Passive-aggressive people sharply perceive everything in which they see a lack of respect or insufficient, in their opinion, assessment of their personality. If you ask for something in a harsh manner or with an absent air, they are likely to be hostile right away.

However, put yourself in their place: how did you react the last time the boss ordered you to do something dry or tough? Even if you do not object to the nature of the order, you are likely to be tempted to ignore the order, because the arrogant appearance and tone of the boss cause irritation.

Passive-aggressive individuals very often experience hidden anger, so if you are polite and friendly with them, this will greatly facilitate your life. And if your request or demand causes them inconvenience, try to express sympathy and understanding of the situation with a few friendly, but respectful (by no means familiar!) Phrases.

Compare two options for communicating with the waiter. First: “What kind of service ?! Could it be faster? ”Second:“ I'm in a hurry! I see that the restaurant has a lot of visitors and you have a lot of work to do, but if you served me as quickly as possible, I would appreciate it. ”

Of course, neither one nor the other approach does not guarantee a result. But, having accepted the first, you are likely to provoke a new passive-aggressive reaction. The waiter, even if he speeds up, will find the opportunity to “punish” you in another way: “forget” to bring appliances or one of the dishes, “disappear” when you are about to pay, or put a noisy company at a nearby table.

A passive-aggressive person often expresses his aggressiveness indirectly, believing that this risks much less. In some cases, it really works and reinforces the chosen behavior. But if you manage to induce such a person to openly express his dissatisfaction, this will allow you to discuss the problem and possibly find a mutually acceptable solution.

If this is a person with whom you will have to interact more than once, the tactic of ignoring his indirect aggression is not the most constructive and useful one. Try not to pretend that you do not notice discontent. If your other half or employee is pouting at you, you may want to keep silent and not react until everything goes well. But, alas, in most cases "by itself" this does not work.

Do not forget that passive-aggressive behavior is almost always a signal or call. If you don’t perceive it, the passive-aggressive type will most likely increase power until you react in one way or another. Failure to achieve the goal often inflames such people. For example, a question might prompt such an interlocutor to discharge or go into an open dialogue: “It seems to me that you are dissatisfied with something. Or I'm wrong?"

In a dialogue, try not to criticize passive-aggressive people, forming their image of parents reading notations. Otherwise, you will fall into a vicious circle of mutual revenge.

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