About how to ask for forgiveness. Husband never asks forgiveness
Sometimes it’s very difficult to forgive a person, even when he asks for forgiveness.
Evil or rash words spoken by other people can occur again and again in my head, especially if I'm tired or upset with something and pity myself. If those who said these words are asking for forgiveness, then I know that I must forgive them, thereby recognizing the fact that they have humbled themselves. But even more important is what Jesus says: “And if he sins against you seven times a day and turns seven times a day, and says: I repent, forgive him.” Luke 17: 4.
But what if other people didn’t think that what they said or did was bad? Or maybe they know this, but they don't care? Perhaps I can hardly forgive those who ask for forgiveness, and my mind says that those who do not ask for forgiveness do not deserve it.
Despite all this, there are six main reasons why we should forgive those who do not regret their actions.
1. God continues to say that I must forgive everyone.
In 1 Peter 3: 8-9 we read that we should be "... friendly, humble wisdom, do not repay evil for evil or swearing for swearing, on the contrary bless, knowing that you are called to that in order to inherit the blessing."
My forgiveness should not depend on whether other people regret their actions or words or not. God still requires that I can always forgive. This is His commandment. Moreover, if I do not forgive, then God will not be able to forgive me, even if I ask for forgiveness for my actions. “And if you do not forgive people their sins, then your Father will not forgive you your sins.”Matt. 6:15 a.m. This is really very serious.
2. Dying on the cross, Jesus set an example for me.
One of Jesus' last acts when He lived on this earth was to forgive those who condemned Him to death: “Father! Forgive them, for they don’t know what they are doing. ” Luke 23:34.
We are called to become like Him. Pupils take this seriously.
3. Bitterness and resentment should not poison my life.
Can I do good if my thoughts are full of annoyance? Then God cannot use me. He cannot bless me. Bitterness poisons my thoughts and my spirit. She defiles me. And the responsibility for this lies with me, and not with the person who did something or said. “Try to have peace with everyone and holiness, without which no one will see the Lord. Watch that no one is deprived of the grace of God, that some bitter root, having arisen, does no harm, and that many are not defiled by them. ” Heb. 12: 14-15.
4. Forgiveness gives strength to my spirit.
In 1 Tim. 6:11 is written: “But you, man of God, flee this, and prosper in truth, piety, faith, love, patience, meekness.”
In doing so, I "acquire the skills" to distinguish between good and evil. (Heb. 5: 12-14). I find myself in various situations of life and turn to the Word of God to find out how to react, because my understanding and feeling that what is right is wrong. It is erroneous, because our human nature is infected with sin that entered the world due to the fall. Sometimes it is so hidden that I do not see it. However, he is, and I must find him, recognize and reject. This life gives me strength and is the victory of good over evil, if I choose to live according to the Word of God, instead of living according to my human understanding. (2 Cor. 2:14)
5. Most people do not understand the meaning of their actions.
If people understood that what they say or do in relation to other people influences their attitude towards God, that this determines their happiness, then they would strive to be better, kinder, to be more loving. They would ask God for help to live a better life. However, most people do not have such a relationship with God. They live, thinking about their future here on earth, they do not think about eternity. I must forgive them because they do not know what they are doing, as Jesus said.
6. Because I am guilty too.
I am a person and am able to upset and offend others. If I did not say and did nothing to offend others, my conscience can be calm, but this does not mean that I did not upset or offend someone with what I said (or did not say) without realizing it of this. I do not know what people think of me, and what effect my mistakes made in ignorance have on them. Jesus said: "Which of you is without sin, first cast a stone at her." John 8: 7.
I should not judge or dislike those who do not ask for forgiveness, since I know that there are things for which it is possible and I should ask for forgiveness. Jesus exhorts us to judge ourselves, to test our motives and what is hidden in the depths of our hearts. When I do this, I see how I myself need God's forgiveness and people's forgiveness. I am not as pure as I would like.
Oh no, forgiving is not easy. However, the more I listen to God and read His Word, the more I understand how I should respond, and then it becomes easier for me to forgive. Gradually, I lose my “human” understanding of good and evil, and receive the thoughts of God, which consist in a life full of warmth and kindness. I should not establish “justice”, I can give this right to God.
When I leave this to God, I enter complete peace.
Archpriest Alexander Suvorov
How and who to forgive on Forgiveness Sunday - Archpriest Alexander Suvorov, Head of the Metropolitan District Public Relations Department, clerk of the Ascension Cathedral of Alma-Ata.
- Forgive me! - God will forgive, and I forgive! - how many times this dialogue will sound on Forgiveness Sunday - Sunday before the beginning of Lent. This is a shadow of a fairly ancient tradition, when monks who wanted to emphasize fasting before the holy day of Christ left the monastery to perform prayer works and, not knowing whether they would meet again, reconciled with each other, asking for forgiveness.
Now almost none of the Christians goes into the desert for prayer feats, but on the day before Lent, almost everyone says to each other: "Forgive me."
And in many ways this has become a formality; the content has disappeared behind the form.
But the tradition has to ask for forgiveness and forgive even more “ancient” roots: “If you forgive people their sins, your Heavenly Father will also forgive you; but if you do not forgive people their transgressions, your Father will not forgive you your transgressions ”(Matt. 6: 14-15). It is this gospel passage that is read at the Sunday Liturgy of the Raw Cheese Week.
If we have a grudge against someone, you should not wait for a certain day to annul this grudge, forgive and ask for forgiveness right away. As the Holy Scripture tells us: “If you bring your gift to the altar and there you remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go first be reconciled with your brother” (Matthew 5:23, 24 ) After all, it is not said there that it is important to wait for any particular sacred day. And we, modern people, are waiting for such a day to immediately solve all problems. It turns out a very utilitarian approach.
Hence the practice of mass requests to forgive - in text messages, in instant messengers. Something similar to the practice of sending online valentine cards, which people send to each other for no reason at all.
Forgiveness, like repentance, implies a kind of internal change.
Pay attention to how rich the Russian language is! There are two similar words that express roughly the same meaning - “sorry” and “sorry”. At first glance similar, they have an essential difference. “Sorry” means “Lead me out of guilt, make me innocent,” in other words, “Let's assume that I'm not guilty before you.”
So, the phrase “Well, I'm sorry then” is more likely not a confession of guilt, but a recognition of the fact of a situation where you need to at least somehow justify yourself - that is, let's consider what happened as not former. But the word “forgive” has a slightly different meaning - it includes the aspect of repentance.
"Yes, I plead guilty, I am guilty, - accept me as I am, I will try to improve myself."
Therefore, we are asking the Lord for forgiveness, not apology. That is why in the ancient prokim, which is sung at the Liturgy of the Presanctified Gifts, which is served only by Lent, the 140th psalm is quoted as follows: “Do not deviate my heart into words of deceit, disdain guilt for sinners” - do not let my heart deviate to crafty words for apologies for sinful acts together with people doing lawlessness - this is how the Russian translation sounds.
Repentance is always a private matter.
But still, it is not in vain in the church tradition that the last Sunday before fasting is called Forgiven. If you take a parish in which parishioners know each other, then I think it's good practice to apologize on the eve of Great Lent to their neighbors at the family, parish level. Maybe the person didn’t notice that he offended someone, for example, but there was an insult, asking for forgiveness is important.
Photo from u-f.ru
The same thing in the family, because among relatives there are some grievances, disorders. And on this day of Forgiveness Sunday, sincerely asking for forgiveness from each other, all family members perform a certain spiritual relaxation, which helps to resolve some family situations: on this day it is easier to ask and easier to give forgiveness.
If you are called on this day asking for forgiveness - this is a personal communication. For example, a school friend or neighbor calls and asks for forgiveness - you need to accept and forgive.
If you crossed the border with someone in a discussion, answered rudely, it is better to write a message about this to a person in person. Repentance is always a private matter.
Forgive us your priests
If forgiveness is a personal matter, why does the order of forgiveness exist in temples on Forgiveness Sunday and first the clergy asks each other for forgiveness, and then exchanges it with parishioners? For what? According to the commandment given to us, we are called to love each person, but instead we “communicate a little” with him, because he is not interesting to us.
We apologize to people for not truly loving them. We are only interested in our own person and those people who we currently need. That is, we are against people, and on Forgiveness Sunday it is useful for us to feel it.
It is important to try to feel this moment, to accept the lack of love as a fact of our imperfection.
Probably, boldly, but I would like to apologize on behalf of all the priests, sometimes for the fact that we, the children of the same society, of the same schools and courtyards, took upon ourselves the immense burden of non-natural ministry. A service in which one cannot be worthy. Sometimes it’s just because we do not meet the criteria of society, standing before him as a judge.
Forgive us, our priests, each of our priests: a modest monk from the monastery and a gray-haired archpriest from a small village church, an important archimandrite and a recent seminary graduate with a white cross on a silk robe. We all bring before the Throne a Bloodless Sacrifice for ourselves and for the whole hopeful world.
Angelic service does not make angelic human nature - we are tired and irritable, mean and cruel, because we cannot defend ourselves from passions and temptations with brocade feloni. But, falling, we try to get up as soon as possible, so that with the early rays of the rising sun, we can offer a prayer from all to the Sun of Truth: “Yours is from Yours, you are bringing for all and for all!” We have nothing more and higher than this, from the fact that we could give the world, but this is what the world most needs.
Oksana Golovko wrote
Sometimes it happens oh, how not just to say two completely uncomplicated words: “I AM SORRY”. Why some people never apologize, is it really so hard to say “sorry”. Let's delve a little into the psychology of apology, and our relationship with these words or their absence.
Some people refuse to say, I'm sorry, even when they are perfectly aware of their guilt, including cases where the misconduct is not so great, and it would seem that it is not at all difficult to take responsibility. Sometimes a simple “sorry” in a matter of seconds can prevent conflict, someone’s anger and negative emotions.
But ask for forgiveness , just like saying did I do something wrong. For some people, recognizing that they did something wrong is impossible. Even if they know that this is so, and even when they really regret their actions. It is strange to observe, but this unfortunate person may actually regret and still refuse to utter words, while acknowledging his repentance and correcting his wrong.
To acknowledge that we have made a mistake, a certain level of self-esteem and ego strength is required. It is very difficult for people who deeply doubt themselves to apologize for something specific, because one mistake can destroy their self-confidence. The idea that, once stumbled, you can still be a valuable and good person, is unattainable for someone whose opinion about themselves is greatly underestimated.
An apology is a recognition of wrong, which can provoke a huge com inadequacy and shame. Thus, to cause irreparable damage to the fragile representation that they have built about themselves. For a person with a damaged self-esteem, a recognized mistake can be tantamount to destruction. Just like the one who was innocently accused of as a child, who was told from a young age that he is responsible for every problem that arises and will accordingly be punished.
Having matured, such people, as a rule, go in one of two directions:
- either they apologize for all, even what they haven’t done yet,
- or they refuse to apologize for what -oreven that they alreadydone.
The latter consciously or unconsciously decide that they will never again accept the blame. They closed the door to all the locks. Such apologies are associated with their early experience of constant guilt. The unjust and unscrupulous responsibility imposed on them simply did not leave any psychological space for responsibility, even when appropriate.
There are also people with a low level of empathy who do not really regret that you have suffered from their actions. They believe that apologies are only suitable for situations in which they purposefully hurt you. And you do not deserve any regret if you feel pain unintentionally provoked by them. And, therefore, technically there is no fault. Your pain, in itself, does not really matter and does not cause their sympathy.
There are many more reasons why some people cannot or will not apologize. For some, apologizing is too scary, sad, dangerous, it means being vulnerable. The list goes on and on.
To say I'm sorry is to admit that I care about how you feel, that I care, that it hurt you. I worry about you, in fact, wanting to drop my ego, stopping defending my version of myself. I care about you enough to accept my experience at this moment. I take great care of you, wanting to admit that I am imperfect.
Getting a sincere apology is an incredible gift. We feel heard, acknowledged, understood and valuable. Without thinking that these words can be painful for another. When another person looks into our eyes and apologizes for having hurt us through his actions or behavior, we feel loved and important.
When someone apologizes to us, we also feel that their frustration is justified and justified. The apologizer takes responsibility at a certain level for the result of his actions, whether intentional or not. And when this happens, our insides relax; we no longer have to fight to prove that our experience is true, that we have a right to our pain, and that it matters.
It is not about arousing pity for the beggar. And about accepting that we cannot change, and refusing to waste energy on fighting for an apology with someone who does not have the opportunity to give them to us.
When we are in pain, we need an apology to relax, move forward and let go of the pain. But sometimes, when we cannot get them, we need to learn how to relax on our own, without the help of another. Trusting and knowing that our pain deserves kindness, because it exists, and that our rightness is justified and valid, because it is our truth, is the beginning of our independent healing process.
Think of the deep value of simple and sincere regret. When you are lucky enough to receive a sincere apology, take it, feel the greatness of what this other person is offering, get his willingness to be vulnerable and accountable, to take care of you, and not about your own ego.
Also, when you have the opportunity to say that you are sorry, realize this chance to be generous, perhaps leaving your comfort zone. And feel the depth of the gift that you give.
Apologize and goodbye.
Material provided by the psychological center "Transfiguration"
Whatever the final outcome of the disputes, in order to maintain calm and a comfortable atmosphere of goodwill in the family, a woman has to give in and apologize, recognizing her formal wrong.
Wise women, without regrets and doubts, use this rule, inexperienced - by any means trying to force the beloved man to admit wrong and make a sincere apology. But most often, the behavior of the latter leads to even more terrible consequences than the quarrel itself.
Why is this happening? Why does the majority of the male population, even in the case of their flagrant wrongfulness, refuse to open their mouths and squeeze out at least one “sorry” from the bottom of their hearts?
Psychologists who study the origins of this problem and the causes of this behavior, pay attention to several reasons that cause such a reaction in the male to an apology.
Reasons why men apologize so hard
As practical psychology shows, there can be several such reasons. Different men do not accept verbal apologies for various reasons.
One of the very first and most important reasons forcing men to not openly admit their guilt, or rather, not to apologize for it, lies in the differences in the structure and function of the brain. Men are guided by the work of the left hemisphere of the brain, they are constructive, logical, able to structure and analyze, highlighting the main thing from the husk. At the same time, men are rarely intuitive, do not differ in sensitivity and emotionality. This state of affairs leads to the fact that the male sex simply does not fully understand the female indignation and attention given to the empty words on duty of an apology.
Man thinks words are a waste of time, this is empty bragging, not reflecting the true state of things. And just finding the right words of comfort and asking for forgiveness, showing sincere repentance for a man is a feasible, but rather difficult task, which they try to avoid if possible.
For this reason, it is always much easier for a man to atone for his actions and acts symbolizing repentance than to talk about his emotions and feelings for half an hour, exposing his soul to others, even those close and offended.
If a man is wrong, he hides and waits for the storm, hoping that after a short period of time, the beloved will cool down and everything will be forgotten. And if not, then without a word you can bring a bouquet of your favorite flowers or bring a concert to an interesting half, put things in order in the house, learn lessons with a child, in a word, do anything, just to say nothing!
The second reason for the lack of the slightest desire to verbally convey their regrets about wrongness is the peculiarities of education. From early childhood, the guys are told that a man should be strong. In their understanding, a strong man, in order to protect his family, must enjoy her respect and be a wise and judicious leader, leader for his family. But if a man admits his mistake, he may lose the respect of the family. And even if this is far-fetched and untrue, such a thought, crept into the male consciousness, simply will not let the words of forgiveness so desired for the female ear slip from her lips.
According to men's logic, a true leader is not mistaken - because this can reduce confidence in him, undermine his authority. Therefore, you can’t categorically plead guilty, you can either blame another or keep quiet tactfully, and make amends with a pleasant trifle or a surprise.
If you dig in ancient times, slipping behind the curtain of history, you can pay attention that for the sake of not disclosing their guilt, so as not to say such a simple word “Sorry”, men were ready to do anything. They suffered exile, repression, exile, fought in duels, left not forgiven for war, perished, but never apologized. Pride and loss of masculinity in their own eyes and the eyes of those around them did not allow them to find courage and admit wrong.
And finally, the whole thing is the lack of emotionality of men. It’s just that their cold and rational head doesn’t even get into the thought of how important it is for their beloved woman to hear at least once sincere and sincere felt words of apology, a recognition of their own wrong. After all, girls love with their ears, words are music for their souls. Therefore, the words of apology are doubly pleasant. Men themselves do not like superfluous words and sincerely believe that others do not need them either.
Two reasons for non-recognition of correctness by a man requiring close attention
But in addition to the above reasons why a man is not able to say “I'm sorry”, there are two more that require close female attention. If with all the previous ones it was possible to reconcile and recognize their right to exist, then these reasons carry more serious motives and affect the further relationship of the couple in all other aspects of their life.
A man may never ask for forgiveness, no matter how badly wrong or wrong, or inflicted a great insult if he gets away with it from time to time. This state of affairs allows him to think that he is the center of your Universe and no matter what he does you patiently endure, forgive and life will continue to run without slowing down. This state of affairs cannot be left this way, because it can lead to a loss of respect both in relation to oneself and in his eyes.
If a man is wrong or made a mistake, he must repent and be punished. She doesn’t know how to speak, let her show by deed, but somehow show that he understood his guilt and is ready to make amends for him in an accessible way.
The second most unpleasant reason is the man’s complete indifference to your feelings.. Due to the fact that the male part of the population, in principle, very rarely apologizes, it is extremely difficult to determine such a circumstance, but if all your relationships indicate that it is there, then there is no point in continuing to patiently demolish everything and take the blame for the sake of preserving those feelings and relationships that are no longer there. One person is not able to make the whole family happy - this is a feasible job for two.
Whatever the reason for the man’s stubborn silence after the quarrel, at least sometimes let him understand how important his words of sincere repentance are to you and learn how to apologize for your wrong, showing him an example in this. Frank recognition does not diminish the dignity of both partners, on the contrary, demonstrates their maturity and courage.
I’m sure that you, like any woman, have had situations in your life when a loved one did something wrong, made a serious mistake - but for some reason does not apologize for her, does not admit his guilt. And today we’ll talk about why this happens.
First, some introductory remarks. You need to determine what type of character your man is. Look carefully at what it is:
strong, courageous, active
or soft, caring, sensitive.
What does he value most importantly - self-realization or loved ones?
I am sure that you already have answers to these questions.
Now we will not talk in detail about each of these types, but we will note how their main features affect the recognition of their mistakes.
So, the inability and unwillingness to ask for forgiveness is most characteristic of strong, active, strong-willed men. They boldly and confidently go forward and rarely pay attention to their mistakes. As they say they got up - and went on.
But men are softer in nature, more sensitive and deep often easily admit their guilt. But it happens that they also close. Why is this happening?
At the very beginning of the relationship, they quickly admit their mistakes, but if misunderstanding, constant quarrels and reproaches reign in your relationship, they are hard to make contact with, close themselves and pulling them into a frank conversation is also quite difficult.
Therefore, what type of character your beloved man would not belong to, he is nevertheless often inclined to keep conclusions and apologies to himself.
And now we will examine why they are silent when we wait for their apologies and confessions.
So what is the matter?
Firstly, men do not like to talk about their mistakes, because this is a blow to their self-esteem and male pride.
Everyone knows that it’s more difficult for men to admit their mistake and make contact. But all the more difficult for him in this admit openly.
Even if a man deep in his soul understood and realized his mistakes - he will not tell anyone about it. Often men motivate it as follows: "the main thing is that I myself understood this."
That is, the man understood the mistake, decided not to do this anymore - and that’s it. Talking about this is no longer necessary, because the decision has been made. This is men's logic.
Of course, although he will not talk about it openly, one can notice the conclusions drawn from his behavior. But we will talk about this next time.
It is very important to understand that it is difficult for a man to feel and openly show his weakness, his imperfections and shortcomings, and even more so to recognize them in front of you. After all, he wants to be your knight, your hero. Therefore, we will not forcibly draw out his confession. In the next article, we will talk about how to do this gently and unobtrusively.
Secondly, men do not like to express their emotions and feelings, share inner feelings, do not like sentimental conversations.
Why? This is a feature of male psychology: all the emotions of men are hidden inside and their natural manifestation is not peculiar to men. Rarely do men talk about relationships, their experiences, or what they have realized. Their feelings can often be guessed only by deeds or brief confessions.
It is likely that if you can build a strong trusting relationship - your man will be ready to reveal his feelings, show his emotional feelings, tell about his mistakes, about what he realized.
Often this is possible at the very beginning of the relationship, and also if the man made some very serious mistake - and he is very afraid of losing you. In this case, he may decide to openly confess and ask for forgiveness. But these are rather exceptions to the rule.
And in the vast majority of cases, we need to remember popular wisdom: "men do not cry."
Third reasonwhich we already mentioned in passing, - this is a misunderstanding in your relationship, constant conflicts and quarrels.
Here we need to remember that men often evade serious conversation if they know that they will be criticized, condemned, scolded.
Despite all the apparent restraint and indifference, men are very vulnerable creatures. And they also get hurt from our insulting words, tears, because all this tells them that we do not love them. And they just avoid it all.
The following is closely related to this reason.
Fourth, if a man knows that he is not the only one to blame.
If there is a difficult period in your relationship, if you often quarrel, if you demand a lot from your loved one, then he can make some actions, even serious mistakes, and at the same time not feel guilty. Indeed, in a difficult period of relations, both are to blame.
So, a man can partially relieve himself of responsibility for a mistake when he feels in his direction reproaches, discontent, demands and claims. Such our negative behavior is often his excuse, because here we behave "not perfect."
Why, then, should he ask for forgiveness and feel guilty?
In any case, getting some kind of confession here or just at least provoking him guilty will be much more difficult. Therefore, be patient and do not give him a reason to relieve himself of responsibility. Try to stay on top, even if you yourself are difficult and painful. Only in this way will he think about his actions and be ready to admit his mistakes.
And the last one fifth reason. If we really look forward to his apologies, then in 99 cases out of a hundred, we will not receive them.
After all, men always feel our desire, a hidden demand, even if we do not speak directly about it. If men openly demand something, then they will be closed even more, they may even begin to act the other way around.
That is, if they feel that are requiredto do something - they will try to get away from this situation, slip away.
After all, their masculine nature simply resists acting at someone’s direction, even if they themselves understand that it is necessary to ask for forgiveness.
Trying to make amends, they can decide on an indirect admission: that is, they will express their feelings with deed, concern for you.
We will talk about how to gently direct your man to admit his mistakes in the next article. And now you just need to make a small reservation.
Now we have examined the reasons why men rarely apologize for their mistakes, even if they acknowledge their guilt. And now I want to say a few words about if your man does not even understand what he hurt you, said something wrong, made some mistake.
This is due not only to the fact that your man is bad, does not understand you at all and deliberately hurts you. Although often it is to these conclusions that we come in such situations. Very often, a man does something not on purpose, without even realizing that it can hurt us, cause a wave of our resentment and discontent.
And we have to understand that not only male and female psychology is very different, but each of us is a unique, inimitable person, with his own special set of qualities of character, with his own "sore spots".
And you need to learn to talk about this with each other, explaining to a loved one how and what you perceive, why this situation hurts you. Talk about your feelings, softly and calmly. Only in this way your man will be able to hear you and understand the course of your thoughts and feelings. It is not in vain that they say: "someone else's soul - darkness."
So go out into the light, share, talk with each other about your feelings. But remember that men cannot talk about these topics for a long time. They need time to understand and rethink everything.
I sincerely believe that you can understand your beloved man and forgive him, even if he does not directly ask for forgiveness. The main thing is that he himself should realize everything and try to do so more.
