Nikolai Kozlov: How to relate to yourself and people, or practical psychology for every day. How to start treating yourself better

How to relate to yourself and people, or practical psychology for every day

Nikolay Kozlov

Instead of the foreword

Three stories - like three strokes, like three chords. Let the Book begin with these three stories: maybe they are better than any long introduction will present some aspects of its content and tonality?

Injury

He looked to see if the cut off fingers were lying somewhere, took the cut hand in the other, he outlined how to walk and carefully, calmly went, trying not to lose consciousness. I’m walking along the road to the camp car and screaming loudly but calmly: “To me! To help! I cut my hand!” He came up, lay down on the grass and gave the runaways clear orders: "Two plastic bags and ice - quickly."

(to pack my hand in the cold - I was hoping for a microsurgical operation).

"To Moscow - fast!" On the way I sang songs, it distracted me and my companions ... Microsurgery wasn’t enough for me, but the doctors sewed almost everything.

According to my impressions, I was the calmest and most sensible person in this situation (except, of course, doctors).

The keys to the apartment

The heroes of the following story met at my club five years ago. Somehow in the lesson, I develop one of my favorite theses that any two people can create a family, if only they have a desire, and they do not have pronounced physical and moral defects. Love can both help and hinder them, and in principle is not required. We discuss, argue, my arguments sound convincing.

And suddenly ... Zhenya K. takes the keys out of his pocket, picks them up for public viewing and announces: "I agree with NI, but I would like to check it.

Girls! These are the keys to my apartment. Who wants to be my wife? Anyone! "

In response, intense silence. I, too, was a little taken aback: conversations - with conversations, and here a person offers the keys to the apartment ... But I’m also interested in it, I ask: "Girls, are there anyone who wants it?"

And suddenly ... Olya S. raises her hand and says: "I agree."

We then discussed for a long time - everyone agreed that until that moment there were no "special" relations between them: ordinary, good, as with everyone.

Nothing to do: I cheerfully announce that a new family was born in our club.

Everyone congratulates Olya and Zhenya. They also discussed how they should live now, or rather learn how to live as a family. The situation was facilitated by the fact that Zhenya had a one-room apartment.

But an important condition: for various reasons, we agreed on a ban on sex for the duration of the experiment. Olya and Zhenya left the class together, came to the next class together ... We do not question them, because they are calm and smiling. And a month later they came to me and said that they had already submitted an application. As Olga explained: “You know, we really liked family life. We don’t have any conflicts: we played them so much at the Club that we don’t want to do this at home. True, we violated one condition: two weeks later Zhenya stopped going to bed for the night "I have the feeling that we just opened our soul valves and all the love we carried inside us just splashed onto each other. We love each other so much!"

Now they have a daughter. They live well.

Allochka and glasses

Those who wear glasses know how difficult it was until recently to find a good frame.

For a long time we were looking for my wife Alla a decent frame. Suddenly, they bring Italian, with large tinted windows, it looks great, but the price is great. No, we are not poor, but not millionaires, that's for sure. We walk around, think - and I want, and pricks ...

And then the doorbell rings. What? The angry neighbors burst from the lower floor, it turns out we poured them in, and they just made a major overhaul. We poured them a bathroom, part of the kitchen, hallway and even the corner of the bedroom, which they had just pasted with imported wallpaper. The neighbors are outraged, the wife is crying. They require money for repairs, no need to argue. I give money (from the salary just received), the wife cries even louder. The neighbors, swearing, leave. I escort them, return to my wife and say: “That's it, this issue is no longer being discussed. We take points for you.

Renunciation of oneself is usually considered almost the very essence of Christian ethics. When Aristotle teaches himself to love 1), we feel (no matter how carefully he delimits the necessary and unprofitable types of philautia) that his thought is below Christianity. It is more difficult with Francis Salsky 2) when in a special chapter the saint author forbids us to harbor evil feelings even for ourselves and advises us to rebuke ourselves “in the spirit of peace and meekness”. Julia Noric 3) preaches peace and love not only to neighbors, but also to herself. Finally, the New Testament tells us to love our neighbor as ourselves, which would be terrible if we hated ourselves. However, the Savior says that a faithful disciple should “hate his soul in this world” (John 12 25) and “his very life” (Luke 14.26).

We will not remove the contradictions, explaining that love ...

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Renunciation of oneself is usually considered almost the very essence of Christian ethics. When Aristotle teaches himself to love to love (../../../ spravki / temy / l / lyubov.html)

1), we feel (no matter how carefully he delimits the necessary and undesirable types of philautia) that his thought is below Christianity. It is more difficult with Francis Salsky 2) when in a special chapter the saint author forbids us to harbor evil feelings even for ourselves and advises us to rebuke ourselves “in the spirit of peace and meekness”. Julia Noric 3) preaches peace and love not only to neighbors, but also to herself. Finally, the New Testament tells us to love our neighbor as ourselves, which would be terrible if we hated ourselves. However, the Savior says that a faithful disciple should “hate his soul in this world” (John 12 25) and “his very life” (Luke 14.26).

We will not remove the contradictions, explaining that self-love is good to a certain limit, and then - bad. The point here is not to the extent. The bottom line is that in the world there are two types of self-dislike, very similar at first glance and directly opposite in their fruits When Shelley says that “self-contempt is the source of malice”, and the other, later poet exposes those who “ he abhorred his neighbors as well, ”both of them mean a frequent and very non-Christian property. Such self-hatred makes a true demon of someone who, with simple egoism, would be (or be) an animal. Seeing our uncleanness, we do not necessarily find humility. We can find a “low opinion” of all people, including ourselves, which will give rise to cynicism, cruelty, or both. Even those Christians who place man too low are not free from this danger. They inevitably have to exaggerate too much suffering - both their own and that of others.

There are actually two ways to love yourself. One can see the creation of God in oneself, and one must be merciful to these creatures, no matter what they become. You can see in yourself the navel of the earth and prefer your benefits to others. This second love for oneself must not only be hated, but also killed. A Christian wages a continuous struggle with her, but he loves and pardons all the "I" in the world, except for their sin. The struggle against self-interest itself shows him how he should relate to all people. I hope that when we learn to love our neighbor as ourselves (which is unlikely to happen in this life), we will learn to love ourselves as our neighbor - that is, we will change our personalities to mercy. Non-Christian hater hates all "I", all of God's creatures. At first, he appreciates one “I” - his own. But when he is convinced that this precious person is full of filth, his pride is wounded and takes out the malice first on himself, then on everyone. He is deeply selfish, but in a different way, and he has a simple argument: “Since I do not regret myself, why on earth should I spare others?” So, Tacitus’s centurion was “tougher because he suffered a lot” 4). Bad asceticism cripples the soul, true - kills the self. It is better to love yourself than not to love anything; it’s better to feel sorry for yourself than to spare no one.

1) Aristotle, see Nikomakhov ethics, Prince IX, Ch. 8.

2) St. Francis de Sales (1567-1622) - Swiss Catholic bishop, writer. He writes about kindness to himself in the book Introduction to a Pious Life (1609), part III of Ch. IX

3) Juliania Norichskaya is an English mystic of the 14th century.

4) Tacitus, "Annals", Prince. I, part XX.

When asked if we love ourselves, most of us will answer in the affirmative. Because it is customary to love oneself a priori. But why, then, do some have everything - a career, money, a loved one and a loving person, and for other years they do not raise their salaries, and personal life does not go fatally? The thing is in our complexes. We are sure that they are not worthy of the best - and we do not get it.

Of course, you can convince yourself as much as you like that we are simply unlucky, we come across bad people, etc. But the fact remains: a person who treats himself badly, even if he is an individual of outstanding virtues, grabbing stars from the sky, cannot count on a good attitude from others.

Yes, confidence will not arise by itself, out of nowhere. But, on the other hand, in order to gain self-esteem and truly love yourself, you do not need to do anything “out of the ordinary”. Just follow a series of rules, and everything else, as they say, will follow.

Try to look your best. Even if you go to the store or go to the cottage. Do not argue: “Anyway, no one will pay attention to me, so why should I dress smartly and comb my hair?” Or: “I don’t have money to dress well, put on expensive cosmetics and wear beautiful jewelry.” There is always the opportunity to improve your appearance. If you can’t find your own style, consult a stylist or image maker for advice, if this is not possible, call a friend, neighbor or colleague for help.

Think less about your flaws. Suppose if you jumped up and you touched your nose all day to check if there was an annoying “guest”, only a blind person could not notice the defect. Forget about acne - then others will not pay attention to it. By the way, everyone has disadvantages, and others have no less than you. Believe me, people simply don’t notice most of your shortcomings!

Do not be afraid to be in an awkward position. Well, they came to visit us in a jumper that was worn backwards or went over at the festive table - this is not the end of the world, it happens to everyone ... By the way, it is possible that in the future witnesses of your “fall” will become more sympathetic to you, as allowed them to feel superior to you and, accordingly, feel better.

Try to listen carefully to the person you are talking to.but don’t be silent at all: otherwise the person will think that his speeches are not interesting to you, and this will push him away from you. In a conversation, show interest in the person you are talking to, talk more about yourself, and not about your beloved, then this will cause him to have an affection for you.

Be sincere and openly express your opinion. People value naturalness in communication more than trying to adapt to their interlocutors.

Protect your interests. If you yourself do not ask the boss about, he will never guess to raise it for you.

In a dispute, use not emotions, but justified arguments. Try to get the person to say yes to you several times. If he agreed with you on less significant issues, he will most likely say “yes” and if it comes to something more serious.

Talk only about what you are absolutely sure. Feeling your insecurity, the interlocutor instantly pecks you.

If someone criticizes your lifestyle, your habits, moral and ethical values, etc., have the courage to tell him that you are not going to change all this for the sake of someone, because everyone has the right to live like he does wants and considers necessary.

Do not be afraid to spoil your relationship with someone by expressing your opinion and complaints about another person. Few people respect people who literally give their feet to wipe themselves, just to not enter. In the end, you simply sit on the neck. The person will be sure that you are afraid of him to death, and will begin to allow yourself all sorts of "liberties." Which is better - to express everything once or to endure an uncomfortable situation all the time?

Try to get rid of guilt. If you refused to lend money to a relative and she called you greedy, if a neighbor called you a bitch or a bitch, because your dog shit under her door, then this is only their own perception of your personality. In the end, you don’t have to always behave in a way that they like ... If you are abandoned by a man, this does not mean that you are bad, maybe you just do not fit each other. If the saleswoman in the store rude you, then most likely she has problems, not you, maybe she is so rude to all customers, so why worry?

Remember that the opinions of others are subjective and only you can decide who and what you owe. Do not do what you absolutely do not want to do, just because someone else is seeking this from you. Help people if there is a desire and opportunity. If not, firmly refuse. You are not required to enter into someone’s position at the expense of yourself.

Find a person with whom you can always discuss your problems. If there are none in your environment, then contact a psychologist or a priest. With this support, you will feel more confident.

1. Focus on how important it is to study yourself, to learn about yourself and about yourself, so that a clear understanding of what kind of person you are. Think about your qualities, personality traits, abilities, desires and values, dreams.

The best way to implement this item is through dialogue with another person who could reflect you like a mirror. Surely, he should be friendly, sincere, open, honest, one who can provide support and accept you in any situation.
However, it is not at all necessary to realize this moment with the help of another person, you can do it yourself perfectly, or supplement your image with your own thoughts.

2. A very effective method is to compile a list of your own strengths and achievements. It can be any victory. Do not skimp on the praise for yourself, because it is your merit, which means that only you own approval and recognition. You, not someone else. It would be nice to write down your successes in a diary. It is most effective if you fill it daily. Every day you need to record your achievements, just noting what you are better at today, compared to yesterday. You need to praise yourself for every achievement, even the smallest one.

This exercise will allow you to see your capabilities from the outside, because they are unlikely to become noticeable to you if you do not write them down or mark them.
It would be nice to learn how to set a goal, and it does not matter what it will be, big or small, it is important to achieve it. After all, make more efforts and knit a new scarf, for example, can also be considered a goal, upon reaching which you can safely have the right to praise and reward. However, promotion should be commensurate with the goal achieved, and then your value in your own eyes will grow.

3. Take care of yourself, learn to take care of yourself, protect your own interests, feel free to satisfy your correct needs, in communication choose those people with whom you are comfortable and you can remain yourself.

4. Learn as often as possible, to organize small joys for yourself almost every day. If you wish, you can get a list of what you like best. This may include any pleasant moments from various walks of life. For some, it is delicious food, someone loves shopping, etc. Try to please yourself every day. You can even try to do for yourself something that you could not afford earlier, and in no case do not pay attention to how relatives will react to this. You can safely answer their various questions that you so want and did it because you love yourself.

5. Learn to analyze in yourself what you do not like, and for each “do not like” try to find a “counterbalance”, something that makes this item positive, useful and positive. For example, stubbornness is not always bad, because behind it lies determination, and behind slowness is thoughtfulness.

6. On the way to self-love, you can be helped by work or some activity for the high-quality performance of which you will be rewarded with words of gratitude, value, significance.

7. Try to reduce the impact of self-criticism on yourself. Imagine this as a part of you that tells you all sorts of unpleasant things about your personality. Usually these are shortcuts and various value judgments (hands from one place, a fool, completely mad, insignificance, etc.). So, when you learn to recognize this part of yourself (it usually activates when something doesn’t work out for you or goes wrong), you can distance yourself from it and replace this non-constructive criticism with a self-accepting dialogue. For example: I'm not a fool, all people can be wrong, I'm an ordinary person.

8. Unlearn the habit of comparing yourself to others. Comparing yourself with others, you are unlikely to be able to remain a winner in your own comparison, because you will compare yourself with successful people or those who, in your opinion, are superior to you in something. Do not do this at all, because each person has his own advantages and disadvantages. The best option for you is to remain yourself. Comparison can have a positive effect only when you compare yourself not with other people, but with your own achievements, which are stored in your “piggy bank of life”.

9. Give yourself to what you like. After all, if you engage in unloved activities, you are unlikely to be able to enjoy life. Only doing your favorite work, self-esteem can remain unshakable. The results of what you like to do are self-explanatory, as a rule, such achievements or the fruits of labor are valued very highly. Although it is not always possible to work where you like or do only what brings satisfaction. In this case, the way out of this situation will be doing your favorite thing in any free time.

10. Exercise "The desire for exclusivity."
- List the examples of the desire for exclusivity in other people: ...
- List those moments with which you are exceptional: ...
- List the aspirations for the exclusivity of our ancestors, parents, grandmothers, what qualities were inherent in them? ...

11. Learn to smile in the mirror every morning. Look at yourself with admiration and love. Say to yourself: "I love you because you just breathe"!

As for the fair sex, it would be very nice for them to calmly wake up in the morning, stretch, slowly leave the bed, go up to the mirror and smile to herself. Try to focus your attention on beautiful eyes, sensual lips, a beautiful oval face. Consider every little thing in yourself. Admire it, compare with the beauties of nature. Pay attention to the color of your eyes, notice what it is, what gem it looks like. Always remember that your eyes are a mirror of the soul. Make yourself a complement and establish yourself in it. For example, “I am beautiful as a rose! And I will always be so! ”

12. Learn to thank yourself and others as often as possible.

13. To love yourself, you must clearly understand that everything you do is the result of loving yourself.

14. Imagine that you are a parent to yourself. Try to get used to the role of a caring mother for yourself, love your inner child just as you love and take care of your own. Pamper him. Notice what kind of mother you are for yourself, rejoice in her and yourself. It would be nice to have a diary in which you could write down all the moments that satisfied your own needs, even if insignificant. Praise yourself for that.

15. Meditate. To do this, try to do yoga nidra.

Nikolay Kozlov

How to relate to yourself and people,

Practical psychology for every day

Fourth edition, revised and supplemented

Dedicated to My Father

INSTEAD OF FOREWORD

When I was 26 years old, I worked in a pioneer camp as the leader of an aircraft modeling circle. During the shift change, I climbed into the carpentry workshop to make rails on a circular saw. The bar broke and a hand flew across the screeching disk. Further - slowly: I see - something bloody dangles below the palm of the hand, fingers are almost completely cut off. I remember my first thoughts then: “Cut it off. What did I lose? - I lost my guitar, typewriter and karate. (By the way, I made a mistake - I lost only my guitar). Is it worth living with these losses?” “It’s worth it.” He drew a line: "So, we must continue to live happily ever after." He looked to see if the cut off fingers were lying somewhere, took the cut hand in the other, he outlined how to walk and carefully, calmly went, trying not to lose consciousness. I’m walking along the road to the camp car and screaming loudly but calmly: “To me! To help! I cut my hand!” He came up, lay down on the grass and gave the runners up clear orders: "Two plastic bags and ice - quickly!" (to pack my hand in the cold - I was hoping for a microsurgical operation). "To Moscow - fast!" On the way I sang songs, it distracted me and my companions ... Microsurgery wasn’t enough for me, but the doctors sewed almost everything. According to my impressions, I was the calmest and most sensible person in this situation (except, of course, doctors).

The keys to the apartment

The heroes of the following story met at my club five years ago. Somehow in the lesson, I develop one of my favorite theses that any two people can create a family, if only they have a desire, and they do not have pronounced physical and moral defects. Love (or rather, love) can both help and hinder them, and, in principle, is not required. We discuss, argue, my arguments sound convincing.

And suddenly ... Zhenya K. takes the keys out of his pocket, picks them up for public viewing and announces: "I agree with NI, but would like to check it out. Girls! These are the keys to my apartment. Who wants to be my wife? Anyone ! "

We then discussed for a long time - everyone agreed that until that moment there were no "special" relations between them: ordinary, good, as with everyone.

Nothing to do: I cheerfully announce that a new family was born in our club. Everyone congratulates Olya and Zhenya. They also discussed how they should live now, or rather learn how to live as a family. The situation was facilitated by the fact that Zhenya had a one-room apartment.

Now they have a daughter. They live well.

Allochka and glasses

Those who wear glasses know how difficult it was until recently to find a good frame. For a long time we were looking for my wife Alla a decent frame. Suddenly, they bring Italian, with large tinted windows, it looks great, but the price is great. No, we are not poor, but not millionaires, that's for sure. We walk around, think - and I want, and pricks ...

And then the doorbell rings. What? The angry neighbors burst from the lower floor, it turns out we poured them in, and they just made a major overhaul. We poured them a bathroom, part of the kitchen, hallway and even the corner of the bedroom, which they had just pasted with imported wallpaper. The neighbors are outraged, the wife is crying. They require money for repairs, no need to argue. I give money (from the salary just received), the wife cries even louder. The neighbors, swearing, leave. I escort them, return to my wife and say: "That's it, this issue is no longer being discussed. We take points for you." Why? Because a person is ill. And he should be - good.

And now - let's get acquainted.

Hello!

My name is Nikolai Ivanovich, I’m 33 years old (I feel 19 years old in my soul), I am a psychologist and husband (my wife calls me Sunny). My wife’s name is Alla (I have “Miracles”). We have two sons - Vanya and Sasha, the weather. Outwardly very similar to each other, both lively and energetic, but Vanya is tough, and Shurik is a sweetheart. I’m closer Vanya, Allochka - Sasha. At work - I lead psychological groups, give lectures, advise. I love my work and without it I imagine life with difficulty. It’s nice to listen to the confession and feel that it may not be right away, but you can help a person. It’s a great happiness to see how people straighten their shoulders and open their eyes after your work. A considerable place in my life and in this book is occupied by the youth club, but about it later. I can only say that without this my book would never have been written.

I wrote the book seriously and cheerfully. Fun, because from the heart. It’s serious that I shouldn’t be ashamed of the people whom I respect and who still respect me. I wrote an applied book, not a theoretical one; The book is popular, not scientific.

In this regard, I apologize to those authors whose thoughts and images I somehow used, not always referring to them. I constantly had a fear that, if I made references to each sensible statement, the whole book would be full of notes: "Collective mind." I did not write for psychologists, but for everyone else, the problem of authorship is of little concern.

True, I did not refer to one person so often that I should immediately name him: Arkady Petrovich Egides, psychologist, psychotherapist, specialist in family and sexology. Actually, thanks to him, I began to form as a psychologist-practitioner.

And the last one. To be precise, then under this cover are four separate books, completely different not only in topic and content, but also in style, tone, language.

Part 1. Secrets of family communication

What makes people native

It is always interesting to observe how, from what bricks communication in a family is made up. For example, it can be both pleasant entertainment, and traditional ritual, and business communication, and evil manipulation, and live contact, intimacy.