Nikolai Kozlov - how to relate to yourself and people. How to treat yourself

Current page: 1 (total of the book is 25 pages)

Nikolay Kozlov
How to relate to yourself and people,
or
Practical psychology for every day

Fourth edition, revised and supplemented

Dedicated to My Father

INSTEAD OF FOREWORD

Three stories - like three strokes, like three chords. Let the Book begin with these three stories: maybe they are better than any long introduction will present some aspects of its content and tonality?

Injury

When I was 26 years old, I worked in a pioneer camp as the leader of an aircraft modeling circle. During the shift change, I climbed into the carpentry workshop to make rails on a circular saw. The bar broke and a hand flew across the screeching disk. Further - slowly: I see - something bloody dangles below the palm of the hand, fingers are almost completely cut off. I remember my first thoughts well: “Cut off. What is lost? - Lost the guitar, typewriter and karate. (By the way, I made a mistake - I only lost my guitar). Is it worth living with these losses? “Worth it.” He drew a line: "So, we must continue to live happily ever after." He looked to see if the cut off fingers were lying somewhere, took the cut hand in the other, he outlined how to walk and carefully, calmly went, trying not to lose consciousness. I am walking along the road to the camp car and screaming loudly but calmly: “Come to me! For help! I cut my hand! ”He came up, lay down on the grass and gave the runners clear orders:“ Two plastic bags and ice - quickly! ”(To pack my hand in the cold - I was hoping for a microsurgical operation). “Quickly to Moscow!” I sang songs along the way, it distracted me and my companions ... Microsurgery wasn’t enough for me, but almost everything was sewn by the doctors. According to my impressions, I was the calmest and most sensible person in this situation (except, of course, doctors).

The keys to the apartment

The heroes of the following story met at my club five years ago. Somehow in the lesson, I develop one of my favorite theses that any two people can create a family, if only they have a desire, and they do not have pronounced physical and moral defects. Love (or rather, love) can both help and hinder them, and, in principle, is not required. We discuss, argue, my arguments sound convincing.

And suddenly ... Zhenya K. takes the keys out of his pocket, picks them up for public viewing and announces: "I agree with NI, but would like to check it out. Girls! These are the keys to my apartment. Who wants to be my wife? Anyone ! "

In response, intense silence. I, too, was a little taken aback: conversations - with conversations, and here a person offers the keys to the apartment ... But I’m also interested in it, I ask: "Girls, are there anyone who wants it?" And suddenly ... Olya S. raises her hand and says: "I agree."

We then discussed for a long time - everyone agreed that until that moment there were no "special" relations between them: ordinary, good, as with everyone.

Nothing to do: I cheerfully announce that a new family was born in our club. Everyone congratulates Olya and Zhenya. They also discussed how they should live now, or rather learn how to live as a family. The situation was facilitated by the fact that Zhenya had a one-room apartment.

But an important condition: for various reasons, we agreed on a ban on sex for the duration of the experiment. Olya and Zhenya left the class together, came to the next class together ... We do not question them, because they are calm and smiling. And a month later they came to me and said that they had already submitted an application. As Olga explained: “You know, we really liked family life. We have no conflicts: we played them so much in the Club that at home there is no desire to do this. True, we violated one condition: two weeks later, Zhenya stopped going to the kitchen for the night. I have a feeling that we just opened our soul valves, and all the love that we had in ourselves just splashed onto each other. We love each other so much! ”

Now they have a daughter. They live well.

Allochka and glasses

Those who wear glasses know how difficult it was until recently to find a good frame. For a long time we were looking for my wife Alla a decent frame. Suddenly, they bring Italian, with large tinted windows, it looks great, but the price is great. No, we are not poor, but not millionaires, that's for sure. We walk around, think - and I want, and pricks ...

And then the doorbell rings. What? The angry neighbors burst from the lower floor, it turns out we poured them in, and they just made a major overhaul. We poured them a bathroom, part of the kitchen, hallway and even the corner of the bedroom, which they had just pasted with imported wallpaper. The neighbors are outraged, the wife is crying. They require money for repairs, no need to argue. I give money (from the salary just received), the wife cries even louder. The neighbors, swearing, leave. I escort them, return to my wife and say: "That's it, this issue is no longer being discussed. We take points for you." Why? Because a person is ill. And he should be - good.

And now - let's get acquainted.

Hello!

My name is Nikolai Ivanovich, I’m 33 years old (I feel 19 years old in my soul), I am a psychologist and husband (my wife calls me Sunny). My wife’s name is Alla (I have “Miracles”). We have two sons - Vanya and Sasha, the weather. Outwardly very similar to each other, both lively and energetic, but Vanya is tough, and Shurik is a sweetheart. I’m closer Vanya, Allochka - Sasha. At work - I lead psychological groups, give lectures, advise. I love my work and without it I imagine life with difficulty. It’s nice to listen to the confession and feel that it may not be right away, but you can help a person. It’s a great happiness to see how people straighten their shoulders and open their eyes after your work. A considerable place in my life and in this book is occupied by the youth club, but about it later. I can only say that without this my book would never have been written.

About the book

I wrote the book seriously and cheerfully. Fun, because from the heart. It’s serious that I shouldn’t be ashamed of the people whom I respect and who still respect me. I wrote an applied book, not a theoretical one; The book is popular, not scientific.

In this regard, I apologize to those authors whose thoughts and images I somehow used, not always referring to them. I constantly had a fear that, if I made references to each sensible statement, the whole book would be full of notes: “Collective mind”. I did not write for psychologists, but for everyone else, the problem of authorship is of little concern.

True, I did not refer to one person so often that I should immediately name him: Arkady Petrovich Egides, psychologist, psychotherapist, specialist in family and sexology. Actually, thanks to him, I began to form as a psychologist-practitioner.

And the last one. To be precise, under this cover are four separate books, completely different not only in topic and content, but also in style, tone, and language.

BOOK 1
WISDOM IN DAILY CONTACTS

Part 1. Secrets of family communication

What makes people native

It is always interesting to observe how, from what bricks communication in a family is made up. For example, it can be both pleasant entertainment, and traditional ritual, and business communication, and evil manipulation, and live contact, intimacy.

With regard to intimacy, then we are talking about emotional closeness. People can be physically close, but their souls and hearts are separated. In the same way, people can talk on the phone for thousands of kilometers, but at the same time there will be a Meeting, they will be close to each other like never before.

How does ordinary family communication proceed? What brings people together?

"How are you?"

The usual question “How are you?” When meeting close people can be anything. In particular, it can be a meaningless greeting, an everyday ritual.

The military salutes at a meeting, in the Middle Ages it was necessary to make 16 ritual jumps, and here the same formality, it is necessary to say "How are you?" The interlocutor will also formally answer to this: “Normal.”

Neither one nor the other soul even flinched: there was a greeting, the meeting did not happen.

Other "How are you?" may be a business matter: I need information and they give it to me. The man here for me is only a source of information, nothing more.

“Well, how are you?”, Pronounced with the appropriate intonation, may be the beginning of a manipulation game: “Well, I got caught,” when the questioner is already sure in advance that something is “wrong” here and is about to embed it.

"Hello! How are you? ”- It may be the beginning of entertainment, with a subtext:“ Tell me that you know interesting things. ” Then begins a more or less entertaining chatter, in which people habitually while away time. Well, and, of course, “How are you?” Can become a moment of intimacy, a living contact of people who love each other.

“How are you?” Here means: “I'm so glad to see you! Are you all right in your soul? ”, And the response“ Good ”can be deciphered:“ I am also very glad to see you, and now I’m just wonderful with you ... ”These two met.

Probably, all these types, forms of communication - and rituals, and entertainment, and business communication - have a right to exist.

The only thing that is not close to me is manipulation games. Yes, I know people who feel good when others feel bad, but I don’t share this joy.

Another thing, it is important that we always give each other what we need.

Suppose she’s bored, she wants to have fun, and he’s all about the case and the case ... Bad. But on the other hand - all of a sudden he needs to seriously talk, and she leaves the conversation everything - hehanki yes khahanki. It will infuriate him. Well, and probably the most difficult option - when one wants warmth, intimacy, and the other does not give it, replacing it with light talk, then senseless and boring rituals, or, even more so, with injections of manipulation ...

Plus, we must take into account the fact that communication is not only what is said in words. It is the language of actions, views, touches, steps towards each other or from ...

In this regard, it is interesting to see what sex can be for spouses. Indeed, can sex be just a ritual for them, a tradition? - Sure. So, in many couples already elderly and not inclined to work, it becomes commonplace: Saturday comes, they have dinner, take a shower, go to bed, and now they have traditional sexual intimacy. For some, sex can be fun on a rainy fall day when there is nothing more to do. And can sex be a business procedure? Yes, for example, a serious procedure in the conception of children. Say, the spouses have problems with this, they prepared for a long time, calculated the days, and now the spouse, according to all the rules, performs fertilization ... Unfortunately, sex can also be a manipulation game, which will end, for example, with a wonderful phrase: "A will you buy me a fur coat? "

But, probably, people should strive to ensure that for them intimate relations in the full sense of the word are a manifestation of intimacy, trust, the moment of meeting of two people loving each other.

How close are close people?

The experience of intimacy is deeply necessary, apparently, for every person, and everyone suffers from his absence. What prevents us from being close? A truly close person is one who understands us. But understanding the Other is difficult, and I would call EGOCENTRISM one of the first obstacles, that is, inability or unwillingness to put yourself in the place of another person.

In children, egocentrism is very pronounced, and everyone can be convinced of this by reproducing the experiment of J. Piaget with children aged 5–7.

Children sit around a round table, they are given everything necessary for drawing, and on the table there are 3 pyramids: red, blue and green. The task is given: “Draw these pyramids!” Children perform this task without difficulty. "Well thank you. And now, please, let Vanya draw the pyramids as Masha sees them - she sits opposite you. Can you? ”- Vanya, without a moment's hesitation, takes colored pencils again and draws pyramids - just like the first time.

It cannot yet occur to him that on the other side of the table, from another point of view, the same pyramids will look different, and the red one, say, will no longer be on the left, but on the right ...

Children grow up, but self-centeredness remains. No, of course, now we already know that each person perceives the same situation in his own way, from his point of view - but the problem is that we use this knowledge too rarely.

You should have seen what bewilderment, embarrassment and confusion on the face of the wife. Oh, how she doesn’t want to put herself in the place of her husband and look at the situation and herself with his eyes. “After all, your husband would probably tell the same thing differently. Now we will invite him - how will he talk about it? “Well, he’ll make a mess of it.” I’m telling you how it really was ... "

Her husband will show himself no better (and, most likely, worse) in a similar situation.

And try it yourself: remember the situation of the last domestic quarrel and try to describe the situation and yourself through the eyes of the one with whom you quarreled! And it’s hard, and I don’t feel like it, because you look unattractive.

The couple lived together for more than ten years, have already managed to quarrel heavily many times, but put themselves in the place of another, look at the family with his eyes, try to understand him - no, that’s not enough time, or rather, the mind and mental strength. Are you ready for such an experiment?

It is not at all complicated for those who do not swear, but listen to the opinion of another, even in a quarrel. “I see the problem like this. And how are you?"

Here is another similar experiment, revealing mutual understanding between spouses and, by the way, contributing to its improvement. Spouses are given pieces of paper, and they must (each separately from each other) add unfinished proposals. What kind? For example, the phrase "I value most in you ..." is proposed - and we need to add 5-10 points, suppose: decency, sense of humor, justice, your salary, love for me, tolerance ... Everyone writes what is important to him.

If a couple has a dysfunctional relationship, they are usually offered the following phrases:

– I am often annoyed in you ...(they write quickly and energetically. "Is it possible more than 10 points?").

– I want you to…(also write without difficulty).

– I appreciate in you ...(This is already much more complicated. “And can it be less than 5 points?” It seems that they remember something: apparently, what they valued in each other before. But a useful question, isn’t it?).

– He doesn’t like about me ... He wants me to ... He appreciates in me ...(all these points go with great difficulty, people with intense interest begin to look at each other, as if for the first time ...).

But we must warn that it is impossible, for example, to write like "It annoys you that you are selfish."

What is meant here? That my husband likes to watch TV, and not do lessons with his son or does nothing at home? (Or: “And what will he eat in the morning, but he won’t wash the dishes after himself?”) Then, please write so. Otherwise, what you wrote is incomprehensible, but it can hurt another.

No one has yet canceled the old rule: “One cannot criticize a person, only his actions can criticize (naturally, benevolently and constructively)”. Now, after fulfilling this condition, the spouses can exchange leaflets and discuss what is written. As a rule, this causes lively interest and violent emotions. Many things become discoveries for them, and if the discussion goes in a constructive direction, it gives a lot to both.

It is clear that similar experiments can be carried out not only in family counseling and not necessarily in writing. In some simpler and more flexible form, all this can happen in the framework of a regular conversation between spouses.

For example, in the evening we walk with my wife, and among other conversations you can play this:

- Let's get the fortune! What do you value most in me ... (And if I forget something, my wife will remind me and I will be pleased. If I call something and meet my wife’s surprised eyes, there will be something to discuss.)

- Do you want me to "do more with children" - I myself want this. “Less often went on business trips” - and I want the same thing, but I earn money there, and money is always needed. (And to something I will answer: “No, I have my own plans.”)

“You don’t like me and it’s often annoying that ... (you have to accept it as immutable, that in almost any, most prosperous and loving couple, there is always something that the other does not like. It’s not worth making a secret or a problem from this.” "Yes, you don’t like this in me. I don’t like this in myself, but I can’t do anything. Second: you don’t like that in me. I struggle with this and ask for your help. And the fact that you annoying such and such is your problem, let's fight your annoyance. ”)

If such conversations become a family tradition, spouses will never be bored, and spiritual alienation is unlikely to threaten them.

Of course, all this suggests that spouses are able to talk on such topics and to listen to each other elementarily.

Soul, open up! - None of the birds ...

It is even more difficult when one of the spouses, in principle, is not talkative, not inclined to frankness. More often this is a husband. Pulling it: “Come on, tell me!” Is stupid and pointless. It’s better to feed him after work (it’s good to sit in front of him and look quietly, lovingly at him, not pestering), give a rest, then sit next to him, snuggle up and make it clear that you are interested in everything ... “Are you tired today? It was a difficult day, huh? ”A rare husband then grunts, more often begins to tell. Well, if he began to share, all attention should be given to him, bowing his head, nodding, assenting - and God forbid to object to him or give advice (“Be more careful another time!”), Make comments for his mistakes (“What are you slammed openly? ”). Moreover, you can not use the information that you have been trusted against him. It opened - you "kicked". Will it open another time? - No.

One family I know is old believers, the husband and wife confess to each other there. I’m all thinking: how many families could decide on this? And, most importantly, what would it lead to?

The fact that people are afraid to open up is understandable. You can feel the problems behind this with your whole skin by doing such a mental experiment.

Imagine that your whole, at least conscious life was filmed: a film was made about your life. Moreover, there are not only all external events - what they did, where they went, with whom they talked about - the film also captures all your thoughts and feelings.

Interestingly, in a sense, such films about everyone’s life exist. When neurosurgeons performed operations on the brain and irritated its deep structures through implanted electrodes, a variety of pieces, episodes of his life, beginning from early childhood, suddenly began to float before a person’s eyes. It turns out that a person never forgets anything, and everything that he has ever seen, heard, perceived, everything is recorded as if on a small internal VCR.

Now imagine that scientists have been working harder and have managed to rewrite the film from this internal tape recorder to a regular video cassette. And at your place on the shelf there are cassettes with videos: the video “Life of a wife” (and there everything that she thought and thinks of you), “Life of her husband”, “Life of a child” ...

Interesting remarks can be in such a family: “Immediately put my life back on the shelf!”

Question: Do you agree to show your film (all without cuts!) To your wife, if she wishes? ... By the way, what about the child? Would you like to see a wife’s movie (and then know everything about her)? Movie baby? Do you think your wife would like to see your movie? And show you yours? Why?

The only point that most families are unanimous is that everyone would like to see the child’s film and everyone objects to the child seeing the parents’s film. 1
However, friends of my circle in this place are outraged, surprised, and also unanimously assert that this is not fair about them. I want to believe.

As for the husband-wife relationship, the answers are very different. There are no strict statistics, but, as a rule, the picture is as follows. A small part of the respondents are simply confused, they find it difficult to decide - to show? no? give a look? not to give? - and they don’t give definite answers. Many firmly state that none of this is necessary. I won’t show my own, and I don’t want to watch it. Do not.

Apparently, their motto verified by life is: "You know less, sleep better."

A significant part (also, as a rule, resolutely and categorically) says so: “I won’t show something, but I would have looked: I have to be in the know!”

The minority (for some reason, more often people are quiet and a little sad, more often women) answer differently: "I’ll show something to myself, but I’m afraid to watch it. As long as we live normally, but I see something wrong there ... No, do not".

And quite a few give unexpected reactions. They are simply surprised: “But where does the movie come from? In our family it’s accepted without films - we all know about each other. I’m aware of everything that he had and has. What I have in my life and my soul - I telling him. We have no secrets from each other. "

All these families in life are. They are very different. But the question arises: “Which of them are the strongest?” I would like to answer that the strongest are the families with the greatest frankness. Alas, this is not so. Observations show that both open and “closed” families break up with approximately equal probability.

In one family, the spouses are frank, frank, and frank - they had to leave. You can fully open only with completely mentally healthy people - do you know a lot of such people?

And the other family lives simply: the husband brings money, does not go to the side, the wife leads the economy, raises children, loves her husband. So they live: without any unnecessary frank conversations. Whoever thinks, feels, is not particularly interested in anyone, and no one says anything superfluous. And everything is fine, the family is good, strong.

But another question can be posed: "And if there are two equally strong families, but one has frank, intimate conversations, and the other doesn’t, what family will have more intimacy, warmth, love, happiness?" Here we can already say with greater confidence - rather, in the one where the spouses are open to each other. Openness, frankness gives understanding and intimacy, and without understanding and intimacy it is difficult to imagine love and true happiness.

From the frequency of repetition, truth is not erased: "Happiness is when you are understood."

Strong and happy families are not the same thing. There are strong families, but without warmth and happiness, but there are happy but fragile ones. Of course, the ideal option is to build strong relationships in the family and, on their basis, nurture an atmosphere of warm, trusting communication. It’s not a shame to invite love and happiness into such a family.

One way or another, everyone will agree that trust in the family is a great value, it must be created and protected.

Current page: 1 (total of the book has 27 pages) [available passage for reading: 18 pages]

Nikolay Kozlov
How to treat yourself and people

Dedicated to My Father

Instead of the foreword

Injury

He looked to see if the cut off fingers were lying somewhere, took the chopped hand to the other, outlined how to go, and carefully, calmly went, trying not to lose consciousness. I am walking along the road to the camp car and screaming loudly but calmly: “Come to me! For help! I cut my arm! ”He came up, lay down on the grass and gave the runners clear orders:“ Two plastic bags and ice - quickly! ”(To pack my hand in the cold - I was hoping for a microsurgical operation). “Quickly to Moscow!” I sang songs along the way, it distracted me and my companions ... Microsurgery wasn’t enough for me, but almost everything was sewn by the doctors.

According to my impressions, I was the calmest and most sensible person in this situation (except, of course, doctors).

The keys to the apartment

The heroes of the following story met at my club five years ago. Somehow in the lesson, I develop one of my favorite theses that any two people can create a family, if only they have a desire and they do not have pronounced physical and moral defects. Love (or rather, love) can both help and hinder them, and, in principle, is not required. We discuss, argue, my arguments sound convincing.

And suddenly ... Zhenya K. takes the keys out of his pocket, picks them up for public viewing and announces: “I agree with NI, but I would like to check it. Girls! These are the keys to my apartment. Who wants to be my wife? Anyone! ”

And suddenly ... Olya S. raises her hand and says: "I agree."

We then discussed for a long time - everyone agreed that until that moment there were no "special" relations between them: ordinary, good, as with everyone.

The situation was facilitated by the fact that Zhenya had a one-room apartment.

Now they have a daughter. They live well.

Allochka and glasses

And then the doorbell rings. What? The angry neighbors burst from the lower floor, it turns out we poured them in, and they just made a major overhaul. We poured them a bathroom, part of the kitchen, hallway and even the corner of the bedroom, which they had just pasted with imported wallpaper. The neighbors are outraged, the wife is crying. They require money for repairs, no need to argue. I give money (from the salary just received), the wife cries even louder. The neighbors, swearing, leave. I accompany them, return to my wife and say: “That's it, this issue is no longer being discussed. We take points for you. ”

Why? Because a person is ill. And he should be fine.

And now - let's get acquainted.

Hello!

My name is Nikolai Ivanovich, I 33 years (I feel 19 years old at heart),

I don’t know yet that in 20 years I will become a professor and a doctor of psychological sciences,

i am a psychologist and a husband (my wife calls me Sunny). My wife’s name is Alla (I have “Miracles”).

I still do not know that in many years we will meet families because people are changing, because Allochka will find happiness, and thanks to her, I will find my love.

We have two sons - Vanya and Sasha, the weather. Outwardly very similar to each other, both lively and energetic, but Vanya is tough, and Shurik is a sweetheart. I’m closer Vanya, Allochka - Sasha.

It is curious that after 20 years Vanya became softer, and Sasha formed completely according to the leadership model. Vanya is now an excellent teacher, and Sasha is a very competent and professional psychologist. Who would know!

At work - I lead psychological groups, give lectures, advise. I love my work and without it I imagine life with difficulty. It’s nice to listen to the confession and feel that it may not be right away, but you can help a person. It’s a great happiness to see how people straighten their shoulders and open their eyes after your work. A considerable place in my life and in this book is occupied by the youth club, but about it later. I can only say that without him my book would never have been written.

Then, 20 years ago, I did not think that the Sinton youth club of practical psychology would turn into the largest Sinton training center in Russia, more than 200,000 people would undergo high-quality training in it, and the best practical psychologies in Russia would grow out of it. Then, in 1990, everything was just beginning, everything was still ahead!

About the book

I wrote the book seriously and cheerfully. Fun, because from the heart. It’s serious that I shouldn’t be ashamed of the people whom I respect and who still respect me.

I wrote an applied book, not a theoretical one; The book is popular, not scientific.

In this regard, I apologize to those authors whose thoughts and images I somehow used, not always referring to them. I constantly had a fear that, if I made references to each sensible statement, the whole book would be full of notes: “Collective mind”. I did not write for psychologists, but for everyone else, the problem of authorship is of little concern.

And the last one. To be precise, under this cover are four separate books, completely different not only in topic and content, but also in style, tone, and language.

Book 1
Wisdom in everyday contact

Chapter 1
Secrets of family communication

What makes people native

With regard to intimacy, then we are talking about emotional closeness. People can be physically close, but their souls and hearts are separated. In the same way, people can talk on the phone for thousands of kilometers, but at the same time there will be a Meeting, they will be close to each other like never before.

How does ordinary family communication proceed? What brings people together?

"How are you?"

The usual question “How are you?” When meeting close people can be anything.

In particular, it can be a meaningless greeting, an everyday ritual.

The military salutes at a meeting, in the Middle Ages it was necessary to make 16 ritual jumps, and here the same formality - it is necessary to say “How are you?”. The interlocutor will also formally answer to this: “Normal.”

Neither one nor the other soul even flinched: there was a greeting, the meeting did not happen.

Another “How are you?” May be a business question: I need information, and they give it to me. The man here for me is only a source of information, nothing more.

“Well, how are you?”, Uttered with the appropriate intonation, may be the beginning of a manipulation game: “Well, I got caught” when the questioner is already sure in advance that there is something “wrong” and is going to “embed” about this.

Probably, all these types, forms of communication - and rituals, and entertainment, and business communication - have a right to exist.

The only thing that is not close to me is manipulation games. Yes, I know people who feel good when others feel bad, but I don’t share this joy.

Another thing, it is important that we always give each other what we need.

Suppose she’s bored, she wants to have fun, and he’s all about the case and the case ... Bad. But on the other hand - all of a sudden he needs to seriously talk, and she leaves the conversation everything - hehanki yes khahanki.

It will infuriate him. Well, and probably the most difficult option - when one wants warmth, intimacy, and the other does not give it, replacing it with light talk, then senseless and boring rituals, or, even more so, injections of manipulation ...

Plus, we must take into account the fact that communication is not only what is said in words. It is the language of actions, views, touches, steps towards each other or from ...

In this regard, it is interesting to see what sex can be for spouses. Indeed, can sex be just a ritual for them, a tradition? - Sure. So, in many couples already elderly and not inclined to creativity, it becomes commonplace: here comes Saturday, they have dinner, take a shower, go to bed, and now they have traditional sexual intimacy. For some, sex can be fun on a rainy fall day when there is nothing more to do. And can sex be a business procedure? Yes, for example, a serious procedure in the conception of children. For example, the spouses have problems with this, they have been preparing for a long time, they have been calculating the days, and now the spouse, according to all the rules, carries out fertilization as it should ...

Unfortunately, sex can also be a manipulation game, which will end, for example, with a wonderful phrase: “Will you buy me a fur coat?”

How close are close people?

The experience of intimacy is deeply necessary, apparently, for every person, and everyone suffers from his absence. What prevents us from being close?

A truly close person is one who understands us. But understanding the Other is difficult, and I would call EGOCENTRISM one of the first obstacles, that is, inability or unwillingness to put yourself in the place of another person. In children, egocentrism is very pronounced, and everyone can be convinced of this by reproducing the experiment of J. Piaget with children aged 5–7.

Children sit around a round table, they are given everything necessary for drawing, and on the table there are 3 pyramids: red, blue and green. The task is given: “Draw these pyramids!” Children perform this task without difficulty. "Well thank you. And now, please, let Vanya draw the pyramids as Masha sees them - she sits opposite you. Can you? ”- Vanya, without a moment's hesitation, takes colored pencils again and draws pyramids - just like the first time.

Here is the simplest experiment that is often carried out in the practice of family counseling. A husband and wife come, but they ask her husband to wait in the corridor. The wife begins to vividly, in detail and figuratively tell how her husband behaves dishonestly and badly. Then the consultant calls on her to describe the situation on behalf of her husband. You should have seen what bewilderment, embarrassment and confusion on the face of the wife. Oh, how she doesn’t want to put herself in the place of her husband and look at the situation and herself with his eyes. “After all, your husband would probably tell the same thing differently. Now we will invite him - how will he talk about it? “Well, he’ll make a mess of it.” I’m telling you how it really was ... ”Her husband will show himself no better (and most likely worse) in a similar situation.

And try it yourself: remember the situation of the last domestic quarrel and try to describe the situation and yourself through the eyes of the one with whom you quarreled! And it’s hard, and I don’t feel like it, because you look unattractive.

The couple had lived together for more than 10 years, had already had a big fight many times, but put themselves in the other person’s place, looked at his family with his eyes, tried to understand him — no, that’s not enough time, or rather, the mind and mental strength. Are you ready for such an experiment?

It is not at all complicated for those who do not swear, but listen to the opinion of another, even in a quarrel. “I see the problem like this. And how are you?"

Here is another similar experiment, revealing mutual understanding between spouses and, by the way, contributing to its improvement. Spouses are given pieces of paper, and they must (each separately from each other) add unfinished proposals. What kind? - For example, the phrase “I value most in you ...” is proposed - and we need to add 5-10 points, suppose: decency, sense of humor, justice, your salary, love for me, tolerance ... Everyone writes what is important to him.

If a couple has a dysfunctional relationship, they are usually offered the following phrases:

– I am often annoyed with you ... (they write quickly and energetically. "Is it possible more than 10 points?").

– I want you to ... (also write without difficulty).

– I appreciate in you ... (This is already much more complicated. "Can you get less than 5 points?" It seems that they remember something: apparently, what they valued in each other before. But a useful question, isn’t it?)

– He doesn’t like me ... He wants me to ... He appreciates me ... (all these points come with great difficulty, people with intense interest begin to look at each other, as if for the first time ...).

But we must warn that it is impossible, for example, to write like "It annoys you that you are selfish."

What is meant here? That my husband likes to watch TV, and not do lessons with his son or does nothing at home? (Or: “And what will he eat in the morning, but he won’t wash the dishes after himself?”) Then, please write so. Otherwise, what you wrote is incomprehensible, but it can hurt another.

No one has yet canceled the old rule: “One cannot criticize a person, only his actions can criticize (naturally, benevolently and constructively)”.

Now, after fulfilling this condition, the spouses can exchange leaflets and discuss what is written. As a rule, this causes lively interest and violent emotions. Many things become discoveries for them, and if the discussion goes in a constructive direction, it gives a lot to both.

It is clear that similar experiments can be carried out not only in family counseling and not necessarily in writing. In some simpler and more flexible form, all this can happen in the framework of a regular conversation between spouses.

For example, in the evening we walk with my wife, and among other conversations you can play this:

– Let's get the fortune! What do you value most in me ... (And if I forget something, my wife will remind me, and I will be pleased. If I call something and meet my wife's surprised eyes, there will be something to discuss.)

– You want me to "do more with children" - I want this myself. “Less often went on business trips” - and I want the same thing, but after all there I earn money, and money is always needed. (And to something I will answer: "No, I have my own plans.")

“You don’t like about me and it’s often annoying that ... (you have to accept it as immutable, that in almost any, the most prosperous and loving couple, there is always something that the other does not like. It’s not worth making a secret or a problem.” Yes, you don’t like this about me. I don’t like this on my own, but I can’t do anything. Second: you don’t like that about me. I struggle with this and ask for your help. annoying such and such is your problem, let's fight your annoyance. ”)

If such conversations become a family tradition, spouses will never be bored, and spiritual alienation is unlikely to threaten them.

Of course, all this suggests that spouses are able to talk on such topics and to listen to each other elementarily.

Soul, open up! - None of the birds ...

Sincere, frank conversations can occur far from every couple. They require a high spiritual culture, readiness to open oneself and listen to another.

Or the husband wants to talk with his wife, consult, and she rattles the pots, and he sees that she is only concerned about porridge ... Everything is clear, no one is going to condemn her, but the result will be the same - the husband will stop sharing anything with her.

One family I know is old believers, the husband and wife confess to each other. I think all of them: how many families could decide on this? And what would it lead to?

The fact that people are afraid to open up is understandable. You can feel the problems behind this with your whole skin by doing such a mental experiment.

Interestingly, in a sense, such films about everyone’s life exist. When neurosurgeons performed operations on the brain and irritated its deep structures through implanted electrodes, a variety of pieces suddenly began to float before a person’s eyes, on the screen, episodes of his life from early childhood. It turns out that a person never forgets anything, and everything that he has ever seen, heard, perceived, everything is recorded as if on a small internal VCR.

Now imagine that scientists have been working harder and have managed to rewrite the film from this internal tape recorder to a regular video cassette. And at your place on the shelf there are cassettes with video films: the video “Life of a wife” (and there everything that she thought and thinks of you), “Life of her husband”, “Life of a child” ...

Interesting remarks can be in such a family: “Immediately put my life back on the shelf!”

Question: Do you agree to show your film (all without cuts!) To your wife, if she wishes? ...

By the way, what about the child? Would you like to see a wife’s movie (and then know everything about her)? Movie baby? Do you think your wife would like to see your movie? And show you yours? Why?

The only point that most families are unanimous is that everyone would like to see the child’s film and everyone objects to the child seeing the parents’s film 1
However, friends of my circle in this place are outraged, surprised, and also unanimously assert that this is not fair about them. I want to believe.

As for the husband-wife relationship, the answers are very different. There are no strict statistics, but, as a rule, the picture is as follows.

A small part of the respondents are simply confused, they find it difficult to decide - to show? no? give a look? not to give? - and they don’t give definite answers.

Many firmly state that none of this is necessary. I won’t show my own, and I don’t want to watch it. Do not.

Apparently, their motto verified by life is: "You know less, sleep better."

Soul, open up!

A significant part (also, as a rule, resolutely and categorically) says so: “I won’t show my own, but I would have looked: I have to be in the know!”

The minority (for some reason, more often people are quiet and a little sad, more often women) answer differently: “I’ll show something to myself, but I’m afraid to watch it. While we live normally, but I’ll see something wrong there ... No, don’t. ”

And quite a few give unexpected reactions. They are simply surprised: “But what does the movie have to do with it? It is customary in our family and without films - we all know about each other. About everything that he had and is, I am in the know. What is in my life and soul - I tell him. We have no secrets from each other. "

All these families in life are. They are very different.

But the question arises: “Which of them are the strongest?” I would like to answer that the strongest are the families with the greatest frankness. Alas, this is not so.

Observations show that both open and “closed” families break up with approximately equal probability.

In one family, the spouses are frank, frank, and frank - they had to leave. You can fully open only with completely mentally healthy people - do you know a lot of such people?

And everything is fine, the family is good, strong.

But another question can be posed: “And if there are two equally strong families, but one has frank, intimate conversations, and the other doesn’t, what family will have more intimacy, warmth, love, happiness?” Here you can already say with more confidence - rather, in the one where the spouses are open to each other. Openness, frankness gives understanding and intimacy, and without understanding and intimacy it is difficult to imagine love and true happiness.

From the frequency of repetition, truth is not erased: "Happiness is when you are understood."

One way or another, everyone will agree that trust in the family is a great value, it must be created and protected.

Some people are timid, unsure of themselves, afraid of any responsible tasks. Others, on the contrary, are narcissistic and selfish. Both those and other vryatli are interesting interlocutors with whom you want to be in the same company. How to relate to yourself, so as not to fall into either the first or second category?

Respect yourself and your interests

There are several not quite healthy behavioral strategies:

The strategy "I know everything better than anyone else", "I love myself more than anyone else", when a person does not take into account other people's opinions and desires. It seems to him that self-love is manifested in the ability to suppress the point of view of other people. As a result: they stay as far away from the Know-it-alls as they prefer not to have business with him. And those who are well-known look condescendingly at a bouncer and an egoist.
The strategy "I do not like myself", "I am worse than other people." No less dangerous than the first strategy of behavior. It manifests itself in a great desire to serve everyone and to be good for all people on the planet. Such people forget about their interests, for them the opinion of strangers is more important than the interests of their loved ones. They will sooner give in than they will fight, even if the truth is on their side.

Healthy self-love: get rid of guilt and overrequirements

Tip

Treat your mistakes and mistakes more condescendingly. If you have a heightened sense of guilt, then this item is the most important.

For example, you made a mistake that led to negative consequences. What will happen if, instead of quickly correcting the situation with common sense, you will start scolding yourself for inattention and inability to calculate the consequences of the action within a few hours or even days? Problems will increase like a snowball. Remember, a person always does the best thing for himself. You cannot foresee everything in the world. If there is an understanding that the oversight did not occur due to one's own negligence, one should do much more productive work than self-flagellation.

How to treat yourself

Which self-perception strategy is right? First of all, it is important to accept yourself and love with all your “minuses” and “pluses”. Get rid of the bad habit of focusing on problems and flaws. To be able to see in their actions not only a negative effect, but also a positive one.

Renunciation of oneself is usually considered almost the very essence of Christian ethics. When Aristotle teaches himself to love, we feel (no matter how carefully he delimits the necessary and unprofitable types of philautia) that his thought is below Christianity. It is more difficult with Francis Salsky, when in a special chapter the saint author forbids us to harbor evil feelings even for ourselves and advises us to rebuke ourselves “in the spirit of peace and meekness”. Julianiya Norichskaya preaches peace and love not only to neighbors, but also to herself. Finally, the New Testament tells us to love our neighbor as ourselves, which would be terrible if we hated ourselves. However, the Savior says that a faithful disciple must “hate his soul in this world” (John 12:25) and “his very life” (Luke 14:26).

We will not remove the contradictions, explaining that self-love is good to a certain limit, and then - bad. The point here is not to the extent. The bottom line is that in the world there are two types of self-dislike, very similar at first glance and directly opposite in their fruits. When Shelley says that “self-contempt is the source of malice,” and another, later poet exposes those who “abhor their neighbors as they are,” they both mean a common and very unchristian property. Such self-hatred makes a true demon of someone who, with simple egoism, would be (or be) an animal. Seeing our uncleanness, we do not necessarily find humility. We can find a “low opinion” of all people, including ourselves, which will give rise to cynicism, cruelty, or both. Even those Christians who place man too low are not free from this danger. They inevitably have to exaggerate too much suffering - both their own and that of others.

There are actually two ways to love yourself. One can see the creation of God in oneself, and one must be merciful to these creatures, no matter what they become. You can see in yourself the navel of the earth and prefer your benefits to others. This second love for oneself must not only be hated, but also killed. A Christian wages a continuous struggle with her, but he loves and pardons all the "I" in the world, except for their sin. The struggle against self-interest itself shows him how he should relate to all people. I hope that when we learn to love our neighbor as ourselves (which is unlikely to happen in this life), we will learn to love ourselves as our neighbor - that is, we will change our personalities to mercy. Non-Christian hater hates all "I", all of God's creatures. At first, he appreciates one “I” - his own. But when he is convinced that this precious person is full of filth, his pride is wounded and takes out the malice first on himself, then on everyone. He is deeply selfish, but in a different way, and he has a simple argument: “Since I do not regret myself, why on earth should I spare others?” So, Tacitus’s centurion was “tougher because he suffered a lot.” Bad asceticism cripples the soul, true - kills the self. It is better to love yourself than not to love anything; it’s better to feel sorry for yourself than to spare no one.

Nikolay Kozlov

How to relate to yourself and people,

Practical psychology for every day

Fourth edition, revised and supplemented

Dedicated to My Father

INSTEAD OF FOREWORD

When I was 26 years old, I worked in a pioneer camp as the leader of an aircraft modeling circle. During the shift change, I climbed into the carpentry workshop to make rails on a circular saw. The bar broke and a hand flew across the screeching disk. Further - slowly: I see - something bloody dangles below the palm of the hand, fingers are almost completely cut off. I remember my first thoughts then: “Cut it off. What did I lose? - I lost my guitar, typewriter and karate. (By the way, I made a mistake - I lost only my guitar). Is it worth living with these losses?” “It’s worth it.” He drew a line: "So, we must continue to live happily ever after." He looked to see if the cut off fingers were lying somewhere, took the cut hand in the other, he outlined how to go and carefully, calmly went, trying not to lose consciousness. I’m walking along the road to the camp car and screaming loudly but calmly: “To me! To help! I cut my hand!” He came up, lay down on the grass and gave the runners up clear orders: "Two plastic bags and ice - quickly!" (to pack my hand in the cold - I was hoping for a microsurgical operation). "To Moscow - fast!" On the way I sang songs, it distracted me and my companions ... Microsurgery wasn’t enough for me, but the doctors sewed almost everything. According to my impressions, I was the calmest and most sensible person in this situation (except, of course, doctors).

The keys to the apartment

We then discussed for a long time - everyone agreed that until that moment there were no "special" relations between them: ordinary, good, as with everyone.

But an important condition: for various reasons, we agreed on a ban on sex for the duration of the experiment. Olya and Zhenya left the class together, came to the next class together ... We do not question them, because they are calm and smiling. And a month later they came to me and said that they had already submitted an application. As Olga explained: “You know, we really liked family life. We have no conflicts: we played them so much at the Club that we don’t want to do this at home. True, we violated one condition: two weeks later, Zhenya stopped going to bed for the night "I have the feeling that we just opened our soul valves and all the love we carried inside us just splashed onto each other. We love each other so much!"

Now they have a daughter. They live well.

Allochka and glasses

And now - let's get acquainted.

Hello!

In this regard, I apologize to those authors whose thoughts and images I somehow used, not always referring to them. I constantly had a fear that, if I made references to each sensible statement, the whole book would be full of notes: "Collective mind." I did not write for psychologists, but for everyone else, the problem of authorship is of little concern.