Narcissistic mother and trauma of rejection. Love-ownership: a pathological emotional connection with the mother of a daffodil

Daffodils are not flowers, but people

In recent months, I have been depressed. It seems that I myself drove myself into a corner, if earlier no matter what business I took up, it deftly argued in my hands; now, no matter what I start to do, nothing works; it feels like someone stole my luck.
A little about yourself to begin with, so you can imagine who you are dealing with. I am at the age when the children grew up and started their own families, when the second half is not around, since the marriage did not work out when I was young. When you still have to plow and till till retirement, and you have to leave your favorite profession for health reasons and try to determine: “Who should be? and What to do? ”We must work to feed ourselves.
And now the most important thing is whether loved ones can steal our luck; turn our life into hell and so on? Next to me is my mother, I dragged her to this country after we settled here and lived for 8 years, I signed all the obligations for its maintenance, security and so on.
Next to me is the real Baba Yaga, she walks along the street alone, the corners of her lips are always down, her face is completely dissatisfied with life, her smile is very gallant, she sees negativity in everything, she criticizes everyone, she believes that they owe everything to her and obligated, she is a real Old Woman from Pushkin's fairy tale about the Fisherman and the Golden Fish, whatever you do for her, she will never say a word of gratitude. Its main feature is ingratitude. She constantly tries to create conflicts, scandals and pretends to be a victim when she succeeds. She is just happy when I explode and shout at her.

This is a classic energy vampire. I am starting to worry that relationships have reached the level when my life turned into hell and there is only one way out - to run. But ... as in all stories there is one big BUT; I can’t run, because I made a commitment to her; it turns out some kind of vicious circle. I can’t even think about arranging my personal life, it is absolutely impossible with my mother, any man who happens to be by chance even meets with hostility; sometimes it seems to me that she will drive me into a coffin, sometimes I think I'm going crazy; Well, how can you think of your mother like that? The picture looks bleak. All the time, words come to my mind that were said to me many years ago by one of her good friends: “Be careful with her, she is an energy vampire.”
My father died early from a heart attack, outwardly everything looked very calm, they were left alone, the children had already left, he had retired early, no stress, no worries. Just wild thoughts climb into my head: “But didn’t she suck out energy from it, which later could lead to a feeling of depression and a heart attack?”
Yes ... you can hang yourself from such thoughts.
I understand that something needs to be urgently taken, otherwise all this will not end in good. I approach this problem as a scientific one and try to understand it. Where do we start considering any problem? Of course, from a search: “What is known about energy vampires today, and how to deal with it?”

I’m climbing to the beginning in the English-language Internet, as in any case there will be more information on this issue. After a couple of hours of searching, I am surprised to determine that I got Mother Narcissus. I’ve never heard such a term before. I read a very detailed article by a psychologist in which he gives as many as 24 characteristics of such a mother of Narcissus. Interestingly, in America there is the concept of Narcissism syndrome, and narcissism is one of 10 mental disorders. It is suggested that this violation is inherited. The disease itself is divided into 3 categories according to severity (mild, moderate and severe); I determine that my mother is somewhere in between.
Further I will give points from the article and support them with my facts.
1. Whatever she does, she will deny. Any actions that it forces you to do will be submitted from the position of your good. She will never make her position clear and will provide very lengthy explanations. If she criticizes you instead of really helping, then this is served from the position that all this is for your own good. When she speaks about you with others, she does not speak directly badly, all speech will be veiled. Its main postulate is "Do not take dirty linen out of the hut." If you try to complain to someone, then they simply will not understand you, because in public she is such a charm.
In my situation, these are like two completely different people; for strangers, she is a bright woman, always beautifully looking, younger than her age, she will speak on different topics and communicate with pleasure, this is the center of any company. Everyone likes her. People are fully confident that she is very concerned about her children and wishes them only good. In a relationship with you, this is a completely different person. These two images do not coincide so much that you yourself sometimes think, but didn’t I dream of all this? No, I didn’t dream, that’s the whole difficulty, if you tell someone they won’t believe you and decide that you are exaggerating to put it mildly.

2. She does not recognize your personal boundaries, that is, for her there are no boundaries at all with respect to you. She believes that her child is not an independent person, but a continuation of her. “I am your mother and I can do whatever I want, but you do not have the right, because I gave birth to you, and not you to me.” She does not care what you think for any particular reason, she does not care that this thing belongs to you, and she can easily give it to someone without your permission. She is actively interested in your personal correspondence, rummaging through your things, asking about relationships with friends. She tries to extract as much information from you as possible, so that later she can use it against you. Her task is to prick you and gloat.
My personal example: we lived with my mother in the same apartment, one day she told me that she and my brother (he and his family live in another city) decided to sell the apartment and leave, well, of course I’ll be bought a room, not to leave me on the street. I was simply shocked that I was not even included in the discussion of such an important issue. Now I understand that it clearly fits into the picture of this mental disorder.
I loved to draw portraits, once I painted a portrait of a girl, in my opinion, quite successful and hung it on the wall in my room. When I came from school, I did not see the portrait on the wall, but found it torn into small pieces in a garbage can. To my question: “Who did this?”, The answer was concise: “I don’t know.” The reaction was completely indifferent. This act remained a mystery to me for many years, to this day. And only today I realized that so she solved some of her internal problem.
I was on vacation in another city and met a guy there, we became friends when I left he wrote me a letter. The letter never got to me, as it came when I, along with other students, was on the collective farm for harvesting. According to the mother, the parents opened the letter, read it, and decided that this guy was not worthy of me, tore the letter and threw it in the trash. After a couple of months, she told me about it.
Mothers - Daffodils strictly watch that their children do not get out of their influence, any steps towards independence are strictly suppressed. This may concern even such trifles as the manner of dressing, holding and so on.

3. They divide children into loved ones and not loved ones. I always felt in the family as not a beloved child. I found various objective reasons for this, for example, from 7 months to 5 years old, I did not live with my parents, but was brought up with my grandparents. My father at work at that moment had to leave for the Far North and the living conditions there turned out to be very harsh for me. My brother was born 8 years after me, when my parents were 35 years old, they didn’t have a soul in him, it was such an attractive peanut. In the shadow of this little one, I felt abandoned and useless to anyone. This feeling persisted constantly, as the mother showed it in every possible way. In words, she stated that she loves us equally, but in reality it was not at all like that. I got rid of this feeling only after I had my own daughter. She gave me so much love, joy, warmth.
With great regret, I saw that my brother transferred this model of behavior to his two daughters. He has one little girl-girl and the other an ugly duckling. It seems that Narcissus also grew out of him, with his antics to humiliate one child in front of another.

4. She is not fair. She recognizes only those successes of children that make her a more successful woman in the eyes of society. Narcissus always strives to be the center of attention at all costs. For example, a gala dinner in honor of my defense of an advanced degree turned into a celebration of my mother, without which this would not have happened. It sounded like this, if not for such a wonderful mother, then there would have been no protection at all.
The success of her child should add weight to her in the eyes of society. If I inherited good hands from my father: I can make repairs, floor, deal with my car, determining what’s broken, then such successes, in her opinion, mean nothing.
To prick and humiliate verbally, or only with a look, or a twitch of the shoulders - here she has no equal. And she said nothing! Why is it so bad at heart?

5. She humiliates, criticizes, defames. She lets you know how little she thinks of you compared to your brother or sister or anyone else. If you are trying to complain that someone wrongfully offended you, then she will definitely take the side of your offender. For example, when I was in the 5th grade, our class teacher came up with a way to improve class performance, she put me in high school with a bully and a double. This bully without hesitation hit me in the face with a fist in protest. My nose began to bleed, I burst into tears, and only after the whole class came to my defense, this teacher allowed me to sit in the old place with the girl with whom we sat. I came home and told my mother about the incident, her reaction was to blame, I had to give change, so no one would dare to offend me! She didn’t go to school, didn’t show me to the doctor, and after that blow I had a curvature of the nasal septum. In fact, she did not give a damn about my offender, just standing on his side, she thereby again humiliated me.
When I was 14, 15, 16 years old, her favorite pastime was to loudly criticize my hair style, dress style and so on in the presence of her friends; she probably enjoyed my reaction to her criticism. I was angry, blushed, but couldn’t say anything in reply, as this would have looked absolutely unnatural in the presence of adults, and would have been regarded as their complete disrespect.

6. It makes you think that your roof has gone. If you try to accuse her of something with a concrete example, she will say that you have a sick imagination and in fact this did not exist at all. She will say that she does not understand what is at stake. For example, I’m already 25 years old and my candidate for groom calls me to go to celebrate his birthday on the other side of a huge city. There will be a company of young people, naturally a drink, sits right behind the wheel and drive - a bad idea. It is absolutely real to wait for the morning and arrive when the hops pass. Knowing that she will then throw me a tantrum, I ask him to officially question me, which he does. She smiles sweetly at him and gives permission. The next morning, a tantrum awaits me, calling me a whore, and so on, when I say that you yourself allowed and he officially asked me off, she says “There wasn’t one.” Well, what remains to be done after that? I just found work in another city and ran away from such parental love.

7. She is envious. If you have something that she likes, then she tries to take it from you or spoil it, or buy herself the same. She always looks at what others have and tries to buy herself the same. Mother Daffodils compete with their daughters and sexually. In my youth, I did not understand this at all when I saw that she was flirting with my gentlemen, building their eyes, putting herself at the very center of any conversation, and only today everything fell into place after reading this article. Then this behavior aroused my complete bewilderment. Trying to compete with me, she inspired me that I don’t know how to dress beautifully, put on makeup and so on, and I successfully achieved my goal because in protest I really dressed easier and didn’t paint at all. Apparently against her very bright background, I really looked like a gray mouse, which, in principle, she sought. Daffodils are famous manipulators, and achieve their goal in any way.

8. She is a liar. The lie that she places around her loved ones, like traps, allows you to manipulate, push people together and enjoy this situation, which excites much more than any soap opera. It filters the lies very carefully and is very difficult to catch red-handed. As a child, I constantly heard from her, “Go play outside, dad doesn't like children playing in the house.” Now I think that dad probably had no idea about it. For her, it was just an excuse to send the children out and would not have to do the cleaning after their games. In general, she constantly scared the children with her dad as some kind of evil figure, although her father devoted all his free time to his family and my brother to a greater extent. Now I understand that she did tremendous harm to the father-daughter relationship, since the father never became my close friend, but remained sitting as an unreachable deity high on the throne. She always stood between us, zealously guarding her empire.

9. She must be constantly the center of attention. Sometimes this is done to the detriment of their children. For example, you are talking on the phone about something very important, but then your elderly mother wedges in and demands to immediately find something for her. She just needs to know that she is most important. The elderly mother of Daffodils will constantly look for health problems, run to the doctors (of course you have to carry them there) and generally create a bunch of problems for you.

10. She will manipulate your emotions in order to provoke your negative reaction and be energized by this. Many call them energy vampires because of this behavior. They study your weaknesses and try to prick more painfully, it gives them real pleasure. They will repeat a hundred times what you would like to forget about and never hear. They think that you can make a joke out of this. For example, you are in adolescence and painfully take jokes on the topic of boys. Two boys from the class come to you for homework, right there your mother tells your father that the suitors came. She is fun and funny, and you are all shaking from such indelicacy; you are trying to prove that they are not grooms at all, which causes even more laughter on her part, and you already have tears in your eyes. You still don’t understand that your mother is an energy vampire. You just know that here is your aunt, her own sister, who would never have allowed herself such tactless behavior.

11. She is selfish and domineering. She spits on all your requests for anything. For example, if you are furious with her negative, absolutely unreasonable statements about people and the country, and you ask not to touch on this topic, then she will not apply to do this, thereby spoiling your communication with friends. Having received from you a powerful energy surge of various emotions, she will show with her whole appearance that another should not be expected from such a daughter.
One of the characteristics of the Daffodils is that they choose and give gifts very poorly, this is due to the fact that they are fully concentrated only on themselves. They usually take what comes to hand, or the thing that can later be used by herself. I try to remember at least one present given to me by my mother for my birthday, and I can’t. My father always brought gifts to everyone, and I remember the books, and the things, and the dolls that he gave me.

12. She is only occupied with herself. She is little worried or not at all worried about your problems, in the first place are her needs, her desires, her requests. As far as I can remember, any request on her part should be granted immediately. If she tells you: “Bring me this.”, Then you should immediately drop everything and run after it. If you hesitate for 1 or 2 minutes, you will receive a hail of reproaches in a dramatic form. She does not perceive anyone's problems at all.

13. Do not try to criticize her, otherwise you will get such a storm in return! Mother Narcissus does not tolerate any criticism at all, it causes her a whole gamut of feelings, ranging from anger and ending with physical impact. In my case, she sits at the computer with headphones and watches a movie, I try to contact her, but she continues to watch movies and ignores all my attempts to tell her something important about using a sink in the kitchen. I know that if she continues in the same vein, then very soon I will have to look for plumbing to clean the pipe. Having lost my patience, I pull the headphones off her head to still tell her what I consider important. My conversation is terrible criticism for her, and her reaction translates into attempts to hit me with a fist. Naturally, I hold her at arm's length, preventing me from getting closer. She shouts to me: “Don’t you dare to raise your hand to your mother!” It looks from the side, probably very comical, as the grandmother in the boxing stance is eager for battle. I tell her, very calmly: “If you continue to get into a fight, I will have to lead you to the doctor, he will write you a sedative, and you will begin to react normally when they talk to you, OK!”

14. She terrorizes loved ones. Many mothers of Daffodils keep their children in fear of physical or mental stress. Mine does not belong to the category of brute physical strength, she simply plays on your feelings, causing the reaction necessary for her, for example, she complains of an unbearable life for her in your brother's family, and now you are sitting and crying that your dear mother is suffering. She knows that I will greatly worry and sympathize with her, and is doing everything possible to cause this reaction. Tears are tears, and it doesn’t matter that they are caused by your compassion, it’s important that you cry, but the nerve cells do not recover, but she doesn’t care, because she is completely deaf about this.

15. Mothers of Daffodils are often childish and behave like little children. If you refuse to fulfill her request, you will receive a tirade in response that you do not love her. It’s one thing when such a phrase sounds in the mouth of a baby, and it’s a completely different thing when an adult woman says it in all seriousness. In my case it was like that, my little daughter was at that stupid age when the baby learns to grab everything that comes to hand and pull it. She grabbed the grandmother by the lock of hair, in response to this, the grandmother grabbed the baby by the lock of hair and began to pull. I say in horror: “Mom, what are you doing? She’s stupid and doesn’t understand what she’s doing. ”Grandmother replied that the granddaughter would quickly learn that doing so was bad.

16. She is persistent in what she seeks. She does not ask, but demands. If she liked something, then she will certainly achieve her and take possession of the desired object. By influencing people with a suggestion, she always achieves what she wants. In the art of manipulating people, she simply has no equal. My mother will always be able to beg for everything that she liked from people. I was always amazed at her ability to do this.

17. She tries to free herself from standard parental responsibilities at the first opportunity. The obsessive parental custody ends as soon as you leave her in another city; she doesn't care if you have enough money to live on. If you need money, then she will lend you it on certain conditions, although she herself is far from poor.
Birthdays are one of the standard parenting responsibilities. She will not have birthday parties for you. This is what offended me most of all in childhood, I wanted to celebrate my birthday so much, but in response I heard that when you grow up, celebrate as much as you want. I grew up, and I absolutely did not care about this personal holiday, but I compensated for all the birthdays that I had not received in childhood, arranging them for my daughter. I was organizing children's birthday parties when her friends came and they had their own holiday. I do not recognize children's birthdays that adults actually arrange for themselves as an excuse to sit and drink.
A standard mother will try to dress her daughter more beautifully, but not her mother Narcissus, for whom to be the most beautiful, most attractive and generally the center of the universe is almost the whole point of life.
Almost until I was 18 years old, they dressed me up anyhow, mothers of Daffodils only care about their clothes in the first place, and what remains is left to their daughters. A daughter should look much worse than her mother, this is how the subconscious of Narcissus works. I remember a class in 6 or 7 I bought a raincoat designed for a small fat woman, it was hemmed, and I looked like a garden scarecrow in that raincoat. Mom told everyone that she couldn’t sew, but you couldn’t buy anything. When I was 16, I wanted to look beautiful. Some girls dressed in beautiful clothes from the flea market, but I didn’t even dream about it. I felt morally restrained, and sincerely did not understand why she cares so much for her clothes and is absolutely indifferent to mine.
Very often mothers of Daffodils pass part of their parental responsibilities to their children. Naturally, I helped to look after my younger brother, and in the 10th grade I was also entrusted with other household duties, such as cooking and being an attorney for parental conflicts. Mother scandalized my father and complained to me about him. Probably in that period of my life I had a subconscious feeling that marriage is too heavy a burden and it is not for me.
Very often mothers of Daffodils shift their emotional problems onto the shoulders of their daughters, complaining about their lives and making them their support. I constantly played and continue to play the role of support for my mother, Narcissus; it began immediately after the death of his father, and so it goes. I constantly solve various problems that a man usually deals with in a family, and my brother calmly sits aside and does not blow a mustache.

18. She knows how to exploit. Daffodils manipulate people very well and know how to behave in any situation in order to get a better job, money, some items or things that they liked.
In my particular case, this is exactly what happened, after the death of my father all the worries about the financial support of our family fell on me, and all this continues to this day. My brother remained aloof from all financial problems regarding the maintenance of his mother, on the contrary, she manipulated my daughter feelings and gave all the money for the apartment sold to her brother in parts in the form of constant financial assistance to him and his family. “Look how poor they live!” She didn’t care at all, but how we survived here for the first time, while we were on our feet in a new country.
Many women Daffodils use their children as a shield to keep an unstable marriage. They need this marriage as a social status, and not as love and life with another person.

19. They blame others for what they do. Mothers of Daffodils can attribute their bad habits, actions to their children, doing this, they psychologically build a wall between these bad habits and themselves, on the one hand, and get a good opportunity to blame the other person on this, on the other hand. Sometimes this may concern emotions, for example, in my case, we go to the theater with four of us: I am with my cousin and my mother and my friend. We are the cousin of the weather - we are about 20 years old, the cousin lives in another city and came to visit us on vacation. It is raining outside, we go into the wardrobe, leave our raincoats there, and mom pulls out a stored rag from her bag and wipes her shoes. I ask her for a cloth to do the same, but only downstairs in the toilet, and not in front of the whole crowd, tending to the wardrobe. In response, I receive, in an ordered tone, that either do it here, or I won’t give a rag at all. I shrug silently, and grabbing my sister's hand, I run down with her. The toilet is full of rags, and we wipe our shoes. We pass into the hall, our seats through the passage; Mom and a friend sit on one side, and Lena and I on the other. There is a good performance, during the break, my mother does not speak to me defiantly. The concert starts at home, when we return after the performance, she loudly complains to my father that I almost killed her in the theater, that I made a wild tantrum there because of some kind of rag. They shout at me, call me different words. My cousin is standing with round eyes completely speechless. I am silent and do not get involved in a scandal. In the morning I’m going to see off my cousin to the airport, in her opinion, everything that they said yesterday I just don’t put on my head, I agree with her and understand that I just can’t return home today, and then I immediately decide to fly with her, I’m a student with you, but there’s also money for a ticket. I'm flying away.

20. She is always right. She is right in everything and in all situations, you won’t make her apologize to you, but if you still hear: “Well, I'm sorry that I made you feel so unassembled, clumsy, groomed ...” She will not use to repeat all the epithets, on which you are so offended. She will repeat that she was only joking. As a teenager, I often heard that I look like a wild man with such a haircut, and all this was presented from the position of supposedly “Ha ha ha, joke!” She believes that you are too sensitive, like that muslin girl, in normal people don’t take offense at such jokes.

21. She does not understand that other people have feelings. She generally does not know the feeling of empathy. I often hear from her that pity is a bad feeling, in her understanding, people don’t need to be sorry at all. Interestingly, she knows about the feelings of other people, but never takes them into account. She is deaf to the emotions of others.
Unlike other psychopaths, the Daffodils know well what is right and what is wrong, they know the measure of influence. If she bangs her child, but she will never be beaten to death; if she puts him in a corner, they will never keep him there until exhaustion.

22. She accuses you of all her failures and problems. You have her whipping dog. It’s your fault if something goes wrong in her personal life, if someone did something bad to her, if some unpleasant event happened. You are to blame for all this because of your terrible nature, if not for you, then all this would not have happened. She is so stubborn in her accusations that gradually you get used to the idea that the way it really is.
My mother’s often repeated phrase: “You have such a terrible character that no one will marry you.” I was 19–20 years old at that time.
Thus, mother Narcissus possesses many versatile qualities at once:
a) She's lying
b) She is manipulating
c) She is selfish
d) She loves to blame you for all mortal sins.
e) She dumps her actions on you.
f) She plays dramas.
g) She is trying to free herself as soon as possible from her parental responsibilities.

23. She destroys your relationship with people close to you. Mothers of Daffodils, like tornadoes, destroy the families of their children, except when the father controls her behavior. Adult children of such mothers have a very difficult relationship with her. Brothers and sisters communicate with each other only by duty and are completely alienated from each other. Mother Narcissus arranges so that all communication between them goes exclusively through her, she needs this in order to control the situation at her discretion, she, as a director, creates conflicts, drama and enjoys pushing her children with her foreheads.
In this regard, my mother is a classic Narcissus, she has destroyed my personal relationships with guys so many times that it’s not worth talking. One of my motherless mother-in-law stated: “You are a good girl, and I have nothing against you, but we will never become relatives with your mother.” She most likely saw what I had not seen until very recently, and attached all efforts to upset the upcoming wedding.
We will say no relationship with my brother, in childhood, mother Narcissus created a complex of her beloved and unloved child, in adulthood everything was quiet, since we lived so far apart that there was nothing to talk about; with her arrival here, she again managed to revive the long-forgotten feeling of her beloved and unloved child. In this situation, it infuriates me that her beloved child sucked out all possible money from her, and completely threw all the vital needs of our elderly parent onto my fragile, but such strong shoulders. I continue to play the role of men in our family.
The article has a very beautiful and figurative comparison of the mother of Narcissus with a spider, who sits in the center of the web and vigilantly watches all the information that comes from each family member like cobwebs in order to intervene in time and direct everything in the right direction.

24. And her last quality is the role of a dramatic actress. If someone grabs her hand in the act, then the abilities of the dramatic actress are launched. She will weep that she is to blame for everything, at the same time, do not expect her to recover and correct her mistakes, nothing like that. This technique is needed so that you lose vigilance. All the same, you will be to blame, because you are a heartless person who offends his mother. In my case, the phrase is always said: “Who is it? Whistle. "

Why do I look at each item in such detail? This is very important for those who read this article, as it helps to understand many of the actions of a person with such a mental disorder. Now we come to the most important thing, narcissism is a mental disorder, not a norm, and not just a bad character. A person is sick and can harm his loved ones. Therefore, realizing that you are dealing simply with a sick person, your general approach immediately changes.

Postulate number 1 "Do not take offense at patients"
Well, you will not be offended by a person with the flu! Yes, it flows from his nose; yes, he coughs; yes, it spreads the infection. And really, from the fact that we will begin to get angry, nervous, cry, upset, nothing will change. It will be better if you do not spend any emotions at all. What will you do when communicating with him? Wear a mask so you don’t get infected, as it helps you stay healthy.

Postulate number 2 "How to protect yourself."
We need a mask, but not a gauze. In the case of mental ailments, this is not about microbes that can be killed with penicillin, it's about energy. Our communication is actually an exchange of energy, if communication goes to mutual pleasure, then most likely each person is in good energy balance; if your interlocutor slightly annoys you, then apparently you are losing energy; if you feel extremely joyful, then perhaps you took some energy from him.
In the case of energy vampirism, we are talking about a strong loss of energy. Oriental medicine, as well as religions of different countries, have gained some experience in such issues. Here are some tips to protect against energy vampires.
one). Cross your arms over your chest. By this pose you protect yourself from uninvited energy exposure.
2) Do not look into the interlocutor’s eyes and try to get away from him as quickly as possible under any pretext, for example, “excuse something, my stomach twisted, I need to go to the toilet urgently.”
3) Do not enter into any disputes that may unbalance you; Do not keep up the conversation and try to quickly finish it.
4) To resort to the help of talismans or charms.
5) Wear earrings, rings or other jewelry with semiprecious stones that have the ability to protect against negative energy effects.
6) Freeze such a person. Write the name of the person on a piece of paper, put the note in a plastic water bottle and put it in the freezer.
7) Take such a person away from his home. Write the name of the person on paper and put a note under the pot of prickly cactus. The cactus pot should stand as far from the house as possible, preferably near the gate.

Next come the techniques of meditation.
8) Mentally surround yourself with an impassable wall, and read a prayer for protection from evil spirits.
9) Imagine a large disco ball that rotates. When talking with such a person, enter this Disco ball, then everything that that person will say will be mirrored and return to such a person.
10). Imagine a wall of white fire between you and that person, white fire protects from negative energy.
11) Pink protection. In this world, one must be very careful in terms of what you wish for others, since everything usually comes back with tenfold strength. If you want love, then this is for good. Pink color helps enhance the action. Mentally wrap that man in pink brown paper and wish him love and kindness. Mentally send him the energy of love and goodness.
12) Lilac or purple protection. Wear clothes of this color, this will help to avoid the effects of negative energy. It is possible that you choose just such clothes, doing it on a subconscious level.

However, back to our sheep. What can be applied from the above when it comes to the closest person - your mother.
If there is such an opportunity, then live separately and as far as possible, talk on the phone as little as possible. If she is single, then try to find a boyfriend for her.
If there is no way to escape, and you have to live together, then minimize all conversations, trying to appear for conversation at a time when there is an exciting series, so that she does not have time to drag you into a scandal.
Of course, you remember that you don’t need to discuss any personal matters with her, so as not to be drawn into another scandal, which will be based on receiving the information that you gave her.
Do not try to give her advice or ask her not to do something, all this will be perceived as criticism and cause her extremely negative violent reaction.
Do not respond to any nonsense that she carries, just silently listen and meditate wrapping your mother in a beautiful pink wrap and sending her vibes of love.
Tell her from time to time that she looks marvelously good and this blouse, brooch, beads, etc. are very suitable for her.
Exclude her as an arbitrator from communication with your relatives, establish direct contacts with them, but do not advertise them, let her remain confident that she is in control of the situation.
And I wish good luck to everyone who voluntarily or involuntarily finds himself in a similar situation. In a book I recently read that 3 things are very important for life: a dream, good health and a joke. Joke and life will be easier.
Lastly, this mental disorder can be inherited. Take a close look at yourself, but have you inherited any of the above?

Mothers of Daffodils raise 2 types of children: unloved children, most often achieve great career success, as they thereby constantly try to win the favor of their mothers and their praise; and of the beloved children, Narcissuses, who are very similar to their mothers, most often grow up. In any case, mothers of Daffodils inflict irreparable harm on their children, reducing their self-esteem. These children in adulthood constantly require that someone praise and encourage them, because because of reduced self-esteem, they try to please all people at once and they have complex relationships in any team. They are afraid of being themselves, constantly in psychological tension. They try not to get into trouble, not to do something wrong, trying to guess what the team expects of them.

And in conclusion, knowing that you got your mother, Narcissus, take this seriously, as your energy field is under threat all the time. Use energy protection.

The original English article, “Characteristics of Narcissistic Mothers,” which we used to write this article, can be read here. If you want to reprint our article, then a link to our website is strictly required.

Good luck and good health!

Daffodils are people who like to be in the spotlight and want everything to always be focused on them. Unfortunately, mothers are also daffodils, which is why their children suffer very much. Learn the characteristics of such mothers.

They like to control

They like to have full control over all aspects of their children's lives, from friends to music, clothing and habits. Manipulation is their approach, and such mothers use it very effectively. They use guilt and emotional blackmail to force children to obey.

They translate any self-talk.

Their children may try to talk about the problem at school or with friends, but their mothers will take control of this and change the direction of the conversation so that it focuses on themselves.

They get angry when things don't work out the way they want.

Narcissistic mothers easily lose their temper and always blame their children and everyone else, instead of recognizing that the problem is in them. Their children and partners bypass these or those topics so as not to arouse anger.

It is important for them that people talk about them

Such mothers will do everything possible to look good in the eyes of the public, and most often - at the expense of their children and partners.

Everything should always be about them

Daffodils are focused exclusively on themselves, and they believe that the whole world should revolve around them. The moment the daffodils enter the door, they expect everyone to rush to meet them. It seems to them that they are the main in the family, and not an equal member of the team.

They are vindictive

Resentment of such mothers lasts a very long time. If someone does not please them or does what seems wrong to them, if someone makes a choice in life that they consider irrational, such mothers hold a grudge or even disgust for this person for a long period of time. This person will receive a cold welcome, and if he is a family member or even a child, he may be deprived of inheritance for any trifle that happened many years ago that another person would have forgiven and forgot for a long time.

They use love to reward and punish

Narcissistic mothers know that their love is the most powerful weapon against their children. They never forget about it, and every time they show their love, they do it in public places to look good. However, such mothers cease to show love for their children as a punishment for the fact that they behave badly. And this, according to mothers, happens quite often ...

They treat others as servants

The child of a narcissistic mother will often play the role of a personal slave who will spend days in the hope that he will be able to receive a reward for his efforts in the form of a manifestation of love.

They are competing with their children.

The boundaries between parent and child become blurred. This often happens with narcissistic mothers who feel a challenge to their beauty and sexuality from daughters in their teens.

They always find faults in their children and compare them with other “ideal” children.

Their inadequate expectations will become too high a standard for any child, and children's self-esteem suffers from constant comparisons.

Their children live in an emotional vacuum

Children raised by a narcissistic parent spend all their time in the lack of love that they should receive. Children do not feel emotional affection or intimacy with their parent, only misunderstanding. Years of manipulation are having an impact.

They don’t know what empathy is.

Since these mothers are so self-centered, they cannot show empathy for their children and their problems. They immediately become blind when they need to look at the situation from the perspective of their child.

They have low self-esteem.

Their grandiose role as supermom is an empty mask that hides the fact that such mothers suffer from low self-esteem. Although they will not allow the world to see what is bad for them, their children constantly see the opposite side. In addition, they constantly have to take care of their mother and support her in moments of depression and self-pity.

They never want to let you go

All parents know that their children will grow up and leave the nest. It can be painful, but they can accept this fact. However, the narcissistic mother will hold on to her child for as long as possible, even when he will be an adult to maintain control over him. She will use absolutely all approaches and techniques to make the child feel dependent on her. “You cannot leave me! You need me! ”The truth is that it is narcissistic mothers who need their children and their undivided attention.

25-year-old Elena says: “My mother always paid great attention to achievements. She was always interested in what people think and say, about whom they write in the newspapers, who won in the next contest, etc. My elder brother and I adopted this picture of the world: it does not matter who you are, it is important what you achieved and who recognized your achievements . I was a cute girl, but, according to my mother, I lacked grace. Yes, I was overweight and I was a bit awkward. And she was very ashamed of it. My brother did not study well at school, but played in a football team, and in the eyes of his mother he was a star. I studied well, but my mother stopped taking pictures of me from the age of ten. I only have a few shots from those times - they were taken by relatives. This is terrible!"

Children who lack parental love rarely talk about it. Children whom parents ignore or give complete freedom suffer from a lack of attention, but they do not feel the pain that a narcissistic mother can cause. The child of an emotionally distant mother always feels a lot of pressure from the fact that he has to fight for her attention.

The child of the controlling mother, on the contrary, is trying to free herself from constant pressure and rules. He does not have enough space for action, for reflection, for the manifestation of feelings. Just to be yourself. The accusing mother teaches the child to defend herself, by all means to avoid conflicts and her attention. An emotionally distant mother, on the contrary, teaches a child in every way to attract attention.

In all of the above cases, we are faced with the fact that the child lacks parental love. At the same time, children cope with such conditions in different ways, develop different emotional reactions. In various cases, the dislike of the mother does harm to the child.

Points of contact

Daffodil mothers and mothers striving for control see their children as an extension of themselves, and not as individuals. They support and care for their children only when they live up to their expectations. It's hard to call love. Such mothers project their ambitions on their daughters and do not recognize their own needs.

Both the narcissistic mothers and the controlling mothers from the outside seem modern and sophisticated, although in reality they are not confident in themselves and are afraid of being exposed. These hidden feelings are the reason for their perfectionism in everything, including in relation to their children. Their desire for achievement and recognition is passed on to the children - they also seek the approval and admiration of others. Since such a mother sees the child as a continuation of herself, she zealously fights with all his shortcomings, trying to make him an ideal person who is not ashamed to show the world.

39-year-old Anna says: “As a child, my mother told me not to be friends with everyone. She believed that some children had a bad influence on me, and therefore I was forbidden to walk with them and invite me home. I did not like the friends my mother chose, so over time I stopped trying to make friends. But she was also not happy that I was withdrawn, did not participate in school life, did not go in for sports, but only read books. So she switched to my little sister, who was more active than me. And since that time I have become a scapegoat in my family. I’m 39 now, but my mother’s attitude hasn’t changed. ”

Narcissism and control: common features and differences

The two types of motherhood considered may seem interconnected and even interchangeable, but the motivation of mothers and how they justify their behavior are different.

Daffodils constantly strive to be in the spotlight, and this feature of them determines how they treat their children. However, they do not understand the reasons for their behavior. They are either happy with the children or not - there is no third. If the mother is disappointed with the child, she ceases to pay attention to him, and he becomes for her a "scapegoat". Daffodil mothers resort to various manipulations in order to attract attention. This is their main goal.
In controlling mothers different motivation. They care about their appearance, like daffodils, but they are driven by fears and insecurity. Therefore, they do not let anything drift. Such a mother needs to feel her worth and need, so she does not leave anything outside her attention in raising children. While narcissistic mothers enjoy power over others (including their child), controlling mothers believe that without their help, children will fail in life. They are driven by fear, but they disguise it under the guise of control and power. The controlling mother is authoritarian - she literally forces the child to obey her rules, but at the same time considers it a necessity. The way she treats her daughter carries a hidden message: "You won’t manage without me."

Dangerous attachment as an adaptation mechanism

Children whose mothers do not satisfy their needs and do not support them, growing up, become prone to dangerous affection. There are three types of dangerous attachments: anxious, rejecting-avoiding, and anxious-avoiding:

A girl with a preoccupied affection, in fact, seeks a close relationship, but fears that she will be rejected. She is very sensitive to self-neglect and emotionally unstable.
Girls with rejectively-avoiding attachment do not seek to establish a close relationship, it seems to them that others need this connection more, and are proud of their independence.
Girls with anxious-avoiding affection seek communication, but emotional vulnerability and fear force them to defend themselves.

Daughters of narcissistic mothers and supervising mothers in adulthood can exhibit each of the above types of affection, as well as their combination.

What do daughters of daffodils and controlling mothers have in common

Problem 1. Difficulties with managing feelings.

This problem, combined with insufficiently developed emotional intelligence, is characteristic of all daughters whose emotional needs in childhood were not satisfied. And it does not depend on the parenting style that their mother used. Children learn to cope with feelings (in particular, sadness and resentment), interacting with their mother in infancy. According to the theory of attachment, if such an interaction does not occur, the child either avoids his feelings so as not to experience stress (avoiding the type of attachment), or cannot cope with emotions (anxious type of attachment).

Problem number 2. Misunderstanding

Both daffodils and controlling mothers focus on the external characteristics of children. What matters to them is what their daughter does, not who she is. Therefore, daughters do not pay attention to their thoughts, feelings, needs and desires. Growing up, they know too little about themselves, because their true nature is hidden deep inside.

Problem number 3. The perverted concept of love

Daffodils and controlling mothers teach their daughters that love is based on mutual benefit and affection. This understanding of love can remain with her daughter for the rest of her life. Probably, she will be attracted to people who will treat her the same way as her mother. We are always attracted to what we are familiar with, even if it does not bring us happiness. This also applies to our understanding of love.

The Influence of the Daffodil Mother

Since daffodil mothers are skilled manipulators who try their best to attract attention, their influence on their daughters depends on whether their daughter is ready to make concessions. The approval of the mother usually means that the daughter ignores her own needs and feelings. If the daughter does not feel affection for the mother, she may herself exhibit narcissistic traits. She usually understands the toxicity of her relationship with her mother, but suffers from internal chaos. She may pay attention to her own feelings and needs or continue to try to win the mother’s love. In any case, the negative influence of the narcissistic mother on her daughter will be strong:

The daughter doubts her decisions and criticizes herself. Difficulties in the relationship of the mother with her daughter (for example, the mother’s constant allegations about her daughter’s inferiority) greatly affect her. Outwardly, a daughter can be quite successful, but inside - unsure of herself. As for success in life, the daughters of daffodils either achieve significant success or fail. There is no third.
Daughter thinks daffodil behavior is normal. Young children believe that people live the same in all families. The daughters of daffodil mothers think that all mothers treat their children the same way, and it is normal to win the attention of the mother. Therefore, they are convinced that they need to hide their true self and become what their mother wants to see them. Probably, in adulthood, the daughter will also be attracted to daffodils. And in order to understand her childhood trauma, it will take time.
Daughter has trouble making connections and intimacy. A girl may have a need for close ties, but the inability to overcome her fears and attraction to those who remind her of her mother by her behavior does not allow her to experience intimacy.

The influence of the controlling mother

Today, the term “hyperprotection” is often used instead of the word “control,” and this is alarming - after all, the new term sounds quite friendly. However, the daughters of the controlling mothers feel inferior, because they constantly hear the phrase "You mean nothing without me." This leads to a number of problems.

The daughter perceives power incorrectly.She tries to justify her mother’s behavior, thinking: “It’s hard for me to do with her, but all this is done for my own good”, “Mom wishes me well”, “Mom does not understand what hurts me.” However, the daughter does not see the difference between power and control. Probably, in adulthood, she will be inclined to obey, although she may feel miserable, because others will ignore her interests just like her mother.
Daughters do not have enough stamina. Women who have been subject to control in childhood may have developed so much self-criticism that they will avoid failure by all means. Everyone is mistaken, but such daughters see this as confirmation that without a mother they can not cope with problems. Attitudes received in childhood from mothers are deeply rooted in their psyche.

In contact

I have one reader, and now, probably, already a friend by correspondence. Dasha got into the narcissistic theme with her head. Digging very deep. Not from a good life, of course. Behind his back is four years of “love” with a daffodil and a strong-willed break of contact a year ago.

Dashin the daffodil was married and had a six-year-old son. In which he did not have a soul and with whom he was practically inseparable. And this Victor's love of lovers - very conspicuous and excessive - has always been a mystery to Dasha. Now, having entered the topic, she clicked this riddle like a nut. I publish it with her consent.

Dasha writes:

“What is the image of most“ normal ”fathers? A rare father goes to parental meetings, dangles with his child in hospitals and clinics. For a couple with his wife - yes, but alone ...

Once Victor called a doctor with me. And then I did not understand for whom it was a performance. For me or for the doctor. But, rather, for himself. I had no idea then about daffodils, but I clearly remembered that scene and my reaction. After all, everything abnormal is embedded in the memory. Abnormal - fake, artificial.

So, I went nuts. But not from what Victor is a mega-caring father, but from the fact that some kind of implausibility is in it. Reaction and behavior over the edge. I don’t act like that. I am a woman, by nature more emotional!

His son had an ordinary sore. SARS and not even a terrible SARS. But Victor’s voice has already changed. He gave him a swaying, keenly emotional tone with a speech excitedly expressing nervousness, impatience, and very, very excitement. He constantly interrogated the doctor excitedly pedaling in his voice the theme of emotions and care.

I am a mother. I am a loving mother. And of course, I worry about my child, sometimes even come to despair, but this despair is proportionate. My daughter could not detect an infectious disease, and we were sick for a whole month with a fever, and before that we had a strong otitis media with a temperature under 40. In short, my reaction to my daughter’s illness was prompted by exhaustion and despair. And these manifestations were proportionate. Here are just different reasons.

Listening to Victor’s conversation with the doctor, I involuntarily asked myself a question: is it that I don’t love my child so much? Or is someone trying to show excessive care right up to a replay? When we are ill, I calmly listen to the doctor, calmly clarify incomprehensible moments, and at the same time do not accompany all this by bouncing on the chair, gesturing, grabbing and twisting hair and other neurotic manifestations. No. Everything is reasonably laid out on the shelves, the entire plan of action.

And I realized that the role - a great dad - is also a source of recharge for the daffodil. The fact that he is a wonderful father is recognized by his wife, the hated mother-in-law and, of course, his parents. For the time being, I admitted. Teachers and educators recognize. Colleagues Victor. Friends and all, everyone who sees this performance. Imagine what a powerful source of narcissistic resource! A man sculpts a false image of a mega-dad - and from all sides receives not only approval, but also admiration.

But do you think he is really interested in the personality of his son? Not at all. Do you think he reads, talks, plays with him? No. He just drags it everywhere after him: shopping, restaurants. Not on playgrounds! That is, Victor lives his life and goes about his business, and the child is just next to it as a free application. That is, life is obvious not for the child and childish interests (as it is served by others), but his own.

Victor lives with his and only his interests with adults. But they at least buck up periodically, and therefore fall into his disfavor. And only a child can not oppose this to anything. Only a child cannot kick. He would have only had dad nearby. He still does not know how to filter and distinguish sincere feelings. And next to such a dad will not learn. He has no other example.

His son is unsociable. Not able to communicate with peers. It is hard for him in the new society, like his dad, because dad is full of complexes. But soon he will learn to pull a smile of charm, as his dad learned over time, and will be just like dad. ”

Does Victor realize that he plays the role of a miracle dad? Yes and no. According to Sam Waknin, in the narcissus, the false self imitates the true. The mechanism is called reinterpretation.

“It forces the narcissist to interpret certain emotions and reactions in a flattering, socially acceptable light. A narcissist can, for example, interpret fear as compassion. If a narcissist has hurt someone he is afraid of (for example, an authoritative person), he may feel bad afterwards, but interprets this discomfort as empathy and compassion. To be afraid is humiliating; compassion is commendable, it deserves public approval and understanding from which the narcissist draws a resource. "
Very often, narcissism is a kind of family curse. Passed from generation to generation. The child still has hope for at least a fraction of spiritual health, if one of the parents or other significant figures is not a daffodil. In other cases ...

The child is a powerful source of narcissistic resource. He, like no other, feeds the narcissus with unconditional love and complete dependence. Sam Waknin writes about how a daffodil sculpts a child of his own from his own child:

“A narcissistic woman is fighting to preserve her most reliable source of resources - her children. Through insidious ideological treatment, guilty formation, emotional extortion, deprivation and other psychological mechanisms, she tries to impute dependence on them, from which one cannot easily get out. ”

Another reader tells about the atrocities of such a narcissistic mother:
“At the playground, I met Albina, who alone is raising a five-year-old Arseny. From an early age crowds of tutors go to this unfortunate child, they carry him in five sections and ten circles. The child is very nervous, arrogant, unfriendly to other children. Albina laughed about how he attacked tutors with his fists, driving them out of the apartment. And recently, Senya was hysterical and squealed: "Mom, I hate you."

At one time, Albina tried to set the tone among mothers. She told us that we were irresponsible mothers, and since our children did not know how to read and play the violin in two years, we missed them and they will grow cattle and beggars, but her Senya will go to the Sorbonne and ascend to the heights of life. Of course, no one is interested in Senya's desires and personality. Albina sees him like that - that’s the point. ”

Now you understand: what looks like holy parental love is often a pathological fusion of a narcissistic parent with a defenseless child and using it for their own purposes. Such people may be very interested in childbearing. For example, one of Victor's favorite topics is “two more, and preferably three children”. Still would. Soon his son will grow up and cease to be such an inexhaustible, so meek reseller of a narcissistic resource. But this will be only a partial release ...

An unhealthy bond will connect the daffodil with his parents all his life. That's where the forty-year-old boys come from, living with their mothers and calling them back several times a day. Or breaking off in the middle of the night for a bottle of her favorite wine for her, when her wife should be taken to the hospital ...

Adult children of a narcissistic mother

How does a narcissistic mother build relationships with her adult children? What do the children feel? What problems are there and what is the solution?

Mother Narcissus always wants her adult children to visit her, help her, give money, because she spent so much on them. Children do not want to meet her, and if they meet, then out of a sense of duty. When children do not visit her, do not come, do not write, she begins to shame, disgrace, blame and try to bring to justice: “After all, I brought you up, I raised you, now it’s your duty to take care of me.” If this does not help, she begins to put pressure on pity: "I am so poor, unhappy, everything hurts (I am terminally ill), everyone abandoned me." She may not say this, but the children will feel it. The brain of children is so damaged that they will visit, come, call and try to please her for the rest of their lives, while their own lives: dreams, plans, tasks - are gradually being destroyed. Some children cannot marry or get married, because the mother requires a lot of attention and affects their choice in love. As a rule, she does not like potential romantic partners.

A narcissistic mother is a bottomless hole into which the energy of her children leaves, sometimes for the rest of her life. Adult children suffer from chronic diseases of the gastrointestinal tract, respiratory, musculoskeletal, etc. They are prone to depression, fear, anxiety, panic attacks. They are injured: they accidentally injure themselves, cut their fingers, burn their arms and legs, and have an accident. This is such an unconscious mechanism that helps reduce guilt, this is unconscious self-punishment. One of my clients said that, returning from her mother in a car, she had an accident. During the meeting, her mother loaded her with a huge sense of guilt. The woman was so upset and inattentive on the road that she had an accident.

Another client had been waiting all his life for his mother to appreciate him for everything he had done for her. After a big quarrel and grand accusations, they stopped communicating and did not see each other for about 20 years. The man spent many hours and money on therapy to restore self-esteem and heal childhood injuries. When he felt that he was returning to life, his mother wrote a compassionate letter to him, saying that she was ill and would probably die soon, that she understood all the mistakes in her upbringing and wanted to see him before her death. He decided that she had changed, and came to see his mother. This visit annulled all the results of the therapy - the man arrived completely crushed and exhausted. After the first day of honey speeches, his mother again began to blame and blame him for all those years that he hadn’t shown. Of course, she was not going to die.

A narcissistic mother often has one “pet” child and the other a “scapegoat”. She sets children against each other so that they fight for her love. An inheritance can be signed for one child — thus, even from the other side, he enjoys the struggle of children for her love.

Children of narcissistic parents have been waiting for years for their parents to change, love them, say something good. One of my 60-year-old client has been waiting for this all her life. When her mother fell ill with Alzheimer's, she realized that this would never happen, and only now she began the path to herself, to understanding narcissism and its consequences.

Remember: daffodils do not change with age, they only get worse, do not expect anything from your mother. Do not expect her to love or appreciate you, start building your identity, your self-esteem, your understanding of yourself. Go to a psychologist, go through psychological tests, find yourself. Understand what you like, what you don't like, what you want to do in life, what your abilities are.

If possible, reduce contact with the narcissistic mother, do not open up, do not talk about your dreams and plans, stay on the formal level of communication so that she does not hurt you and does not deprive you of motivation. Do not fall for the hook of pity. The mother’s task (possibly unconscious) is to destroy your life in order to feel better yourself. Recognize who you are dealing with, understand that she used you all your life, pumped your energy into your best years - and continues to use it. She caused you global damage. This is not your fault. Do not try to get her approval, do not try to earn her love. Best of all, do not contact at all, love her at a distance, then she will soon find herself a new victim and stop pumping energy from you.

The fact that she raised you does not mean that you owe her a lifetime, that you have to pay. You paid with her your energy and unhappy childhood. You are not required to devote your whole life to your mother, giving up your life. You have your goals and objectives, your life is much more valuable than the approval of the mother. The fact that she - your mother is not her indulgence for her violence against you and is not your lifelong obligation.

You came to this world with full confidence in your loved ones, with a thirst for love and an open heart. A narcissistic mother killed your trust, your love, trampled your self-esteem and closed your heart. Forgive her and let her go, thank her for life, you can even love, but stay away from her, without guilt and unpaid debt.

With a normal mother, you feel neither guilt nor a sense of bad debt for having given birth to you, nourished and raised you. If you are doing something for her, then this is out of a feeling of sincere gratitude and love. You feel accepted, loved and valuable. A normal mother is your support and support. She supports you when you feel bad and when you need it. She does not interfere in your life under the pretext of help, does not indicate, does not criticize, does not endure your brain. She does not envy your success and does not compete in beauty. She gives advice only when asked, makes your decisions, rejoices for your success and is proud of your beauty.

Do not let the narcissistic mother ruin your life. Be happy and be aware.

Tatyana Dyachenko

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