A daffodil man - grief in the family. How to get along with a narcissistic partner

Mature daffodil man

All people want to be loved, respected, have recognition and weight in society for many years. It is especially important to love yourself. But sometimes it is easy to cross the line of adequacy of such a desire - to accept self-love not as an opportunity to give to others, but as a gratification of your personal ego. After some time, the pathological nature of such a choice becomes apparent to others.

This is called narcissism - a property of character in which excessive self-love, inadequately high self-esteem and a sense of personal superiority are revealed, which is reflected in communication. For men (no matter how old they are), this feeling is also characteristic, albeit not in an open form: they want personal recognition in the family, at work, among friends. To be the best defender, the most exemplary family man, or, conversely, the loosest cutie and smoothie! For narcissism, the sphere of manifestation is not important, the main thing is to show your "I" everywhere, to love only yourself and to perform all actions for your own good.

Freud considered this an integral part of any personality, and modern psychology claims that this is a serious disorder.

Signs of Male Narcissism

If you doubt that your acquaintance is suffering from narcissism, psychology has identified signs that will help determine this.

* Feeling of his own elitism, peculiarities - a man constantly emphasizes in conversation, in his own stories, how amazing he is and that’s why everything happens well, and if it happens badly, he’s done well, and everyone else doesn’t;

* Indifference to the life of others and the problems of relatives. Often you can come across interlocutors who, in response to any remark about your life, do not comment on it at all, but answer “here I am ...”.

* Idealization. You can idealize not only your beloved, but everything around you: work, friends, women. After this stage, depreciation quickly occurs when a man is disappointed and falls into frustration.

* An attempt to prove to the world that it is worth something. These people can often flicker in public places, demonstrate their many talents and be proud of themselves, regardless of whether there is a reason for this. They are very pathetic to extol their role at any event.

* Rejection of criticism. It’s very difficult for Narcissus to believe that someone doesn’t like him and someone doesn’t delighted with his actions. Any indication of their incorrectness or imperfection can ignite a spark in them that will set fire to everything around; and the reaction can be unpredictable. Daffodils often react quite aggressively to any kind of remarks, always argue, defend their point of view, absolutely not listening and not accepting the other.

* Narcissus is a great manipulator. A skilled manipulator can force loved ones to praise themselves in order to kill two birds with one stone: stop listening to reproaches (because relatives will not want to hurt him) and feed his ego forever. Narcissus creates a story around - an ideal self, so that everyone would think what a terrific person he is and a spark of delight should be reflected in the eyes of the listener of the narcissus.

* Perfectionism. This can be considered a positive feature, until it develops into tantrums, dissatisfaction with others and oneself. Psychology claims that in women this is manifested by the example of children: a woman manipulator forces children to learn better and much so that she considers herself a good mother.

If the manipulator is a man, then he will “build” his woman for many years, because this is what speaks of his status in society.

* Competitive item. The desire to compete and win is what characterizes narcissism. Narcissus and the manipulator will not be able to live with the thought that someone is better, that someone is loved more. This will drive him crazy and those close to him, but he will not stop and will continue to engage in all-consuming oppression.

* Envy. The inability to realize plans or their complete absence (combined with great conceit!) Give rise to an envious attitude towards the successes of others and gloating towards the failures of others.

Even if you understand that your man is a daffodil, the most important thing is that he has « » .

Causes of narcissism

* Parents oppressed in childhood. Many older relatives can prove to the child over the years that they will love him only if he will learn best, be the fastest in sports, art, craft, etc. Often, loved ones just want to realize their unfulfilled dreams in a child, constantly demanding from him the results desired by the parent. Then the child begins to strive to fulfill the expectations of parents in order to feel loved and receive more attention from them.

* Lack of attention and care. Often children have to show themselves stronger in order to get more affection from their mother or father and draw their attention to themselves. In childhood, it either succeeds or not, but in any case, this desire persists at the age of 20-50.

* Excessive praise at an early age. If for many years a child has been told that he is the best, without any prerequisites, but simply because he is, the child will quickly learn this idea; and will continue to demand the same attitude from less close people: classmates, teachers, colleagues. Disappointment will befall them when they realize that they just don’t get praise, and something needs to be done.

Male narcissism at 40

If before the middle-aged crisis (about 35 years), a male narcissist is able to realize his own aspirations, develop and move forward, slowly solving problems on his life path, at the age of 40 the man slowly begins to become disappointed in everything that he does, in himself and in life values. Everything is being questioned. Therefore, such a phenomenon appears.

Psychology describes a mature daffodil as a person who is unable to take care of himself. This is a man who has lost his bearings. When they understand that they finally wanted warmth and attention from others (and everyone had already scattered), the men were still not aware that heat should also be given in return. The former manipulator begins to think “Why they don't like me?”, But it’s already difficult to fix it when a man of 40 years old lived for himself. He will continue to project self-love onto others. And starting a new relationship, he will continue to convince himself and his partner that he is the most amazing and if the partner starts to convince him, the daffodil will break off the relationship, even if she is a very worthy and beautiful woman.

How to fight?

Psychology does not see options for how to retrain a person in adulthood. If your man is a manipulator - Do not succumb to his provocations, but praise only for the cause. However, do not tell him that he is the most ordinary and does not cost anything. If you love him, it is better to carefully explain to him what his problem is, without insults. Now, psychologists are considering many options for the diagnosis and treatment of narcissism: transactional analysis, testing, gestalt therapy, conversation.

However, there is no one hundred percent way to treat narcissism, and to get rid of this ailment, the joint efforts of both doctors, relatives of the patient, and the patient are important.

Despite the absence of a panacea, you can always turn to the methods proposed by doctors, which help to minimize the vivid manifestations of narcissism. Drug treatment is used only to eliminate the symptoms that accompany narcissistic disorder: for example, depression due to failures, excessive temper, and painful reactions to criticisms.

Editorial tip:   If a man of this type has met on your life path, it is worth considering yourself. Very often we meet people who mirror our imperfections, so that we work them out and become better. Take a closer look at such a man, listen to what he says, what he is doing, and try to see yourself in him. You may be able to track what is within you. And it will help you on your life path.

If on this part, everything is fine with you, then you have the strength and energy to help such a man. Calm and with positive emotions. Explain how important it is to be able to admire others, serve, and love others. That he will receive the coveted calling only when he always takes the focus of attention.

It is important to understand that if a man is narcissistic by nature, he did not have the right love from the outside and if you are in love with such a man, your task is to create such an atmosphere for him. If you understand that you are unable to do this, look for another man and be happy!

But when a narcissistic man appears in your life, it's hard to believe. At first he is charming, dusts his eyes and quietly begins his manipulations. Narcissus professionally captures the life of her next victim, while she is in love and sees only the virtues of her chosen one.

The psychologist Lesya Matveeva offers you 8 reasons “against” that will destroy him, at first glance, the ideal image.

Lesya Matveeva

Psychoanalyst, public figure,

personal development consultant,

channel master 1 + 1.

   1. He is focused on his “facade”.    A sense of shame is predominant in a daffodil man. Narcissus is constantly afraid to seem ridiculous / ugly / awkward. For him, to show his non-ideality is equivalent to how Cersei Lanister was naked to go in front of a screaming crowd. Therefore, if you accidentally make him feel “not like that”, he will certainly walk through your weaknesses.

   2. He is envious. Envy forces the narcissist to constantly compare himself with others. His self-esteem suffers from this and requires constant recharge. For this, the narcissistic personality uses the mechanism of depreciation. Whom will he depreciate? Right! His beloved girl, hinting that she is not good enough / successful / talented.

   3. He is focused on himself    . A daffodil man notices only his person. His way of interacting with others is competition. Only in this case, the narcissist draws attention to someone other than himself and then only to prove his superiority.

   4. He is greedy.    Narcissus is greedy in the sense that he needs constant attention in order to be remembered and talked about. It also manifests itself in the search for new heights: the change of partners (to the more attractive / wealthy / young), the desire to try as much as possible (food, alcohol, impressions). Even if he is well, he experiences a strange feeling of dissatisfaction with "something is missing." Such greed is caused by an unsaturated inner void. Do you remember how in the movie “Trace 60”: Neil met a girl who wanted to seduce him, because she wanted to try - is he not her perfect man? She could not stop for fear that someone else would be better. Agree, somehow I do not want to be just a stepping stone to the woman of his dreams?

   5. He is ahead of the curve.    Maybe for a business strategy this is a good quality, but not for relationships so accurately. Daffodils like to share their knowledge from an authoritative position, to be teachers so that others want to become like them. Thus, the narcissistic personality devalues \u200b\u200bhis followers, for example, by telling "how to." You won’t even notice how a daffodil man will attribute to himself all the good things that are in your life (“Thanks to me you have reached such heights”, “Thanks to me you began to dress better”, “At least you began to get out with people”). He will do everything for you to make coffee according to his super recipe, read the same books as he, listen to his music.

He does this not just so that you strive to become like him. Narcissus, like air, needs to arouse in others a sense of admiration, envy and even his own insignificance in comparison with him.

   6. You will not please him.    It’s hard for Narcissus to enjoy ordinary things, to see the beauty around him. In order to feel satisfied, he comes up with a lot of conditions. He is unlikely to appreciate a breakfast of toasts or a handmade greeting card.

Christopher, in his bestselling book, The Culture of Narcissism, announced to the public the spread of a new type of man - the narcissist. Narcissism is a personality anomaly explaining infidelity among single and married men.

  Relations with the type of men Narcissus

Many male daffodils hide their underlying relationship problem behind a brilliant appearance. By nature, they can be fighters and winners. They often cope well with the problems of society. As they strive for power, money, prestige, many of them achieve great success.

However, behind their polished appearance, a small person hides and is not capable of any relationship with others, except perhaps the most limited.

All relationships of a male narcissist are based on interest in their own person. He can only take. He does not even understand what the word “give” means. You listen to him, and he never does. Since he considers others as his own companions to a greater extent than self-valuable individuals, he cannot realize that you also have needs. Unable to put himself in the place of another, he is deprived of empathy with your or someone else's feelings. He has a very negative reaction to the slightest hint of criticism.

A narcissist man creates a grandiose image of himself, which really serves as a defense against a deep feeling of his wrong, low self-esteem and inner emptiness. Since he judges himself by the way he appears before others, the narcissus has a great need to be admired.

This makes him treat infidelity as given. If he does not have a constant source of new admirers, he is overcome by subconscious feelings of anxiety and boredom.

Relations with the type of men Narcissus. Since male daffodils see women as an extension of themselves, many of them like to be seen accompanied by beauties or women with high social status, reflecting their fame on them.

Unfortunately, the moment the daffodil possesses you, he does not value you, no matter how much he admires you during the courtship. An example of this is one man who met a woman whom she considered very beautiful, smart and interesting. He deified her, fell in love, and finally married her. However, when she began to belong to him, he found her boring. His feelings for her disappeared. Sex, which was a thrill for him, became colorless and mechanical. This made him seek out affair with other women.

Bachelors, in whom the devaluation of a woman occurs immediately, as soon as they conquer her, attracts; from one woman to another. For married men it is

it looks like marriage, disappointment in a wife, and then extramarital affairs.

Conquest in itself is pleasing to the daffodil, because it gives rise to a sense of power and control over women in him, in relation to which he may experience subconscious feelings of fear, envy, hatred. Daffodils often unknowingly take women more seriously than life, controlling them and possessing the ability to devour them.

This is how this view of women appears in one priest. He had many affairs with women from his ward. He chose weak women who needed paternal authority. He confessed them, listening to tales of their concern, giving friendly and helpful advice. Advising, he could already touch the woman slightly, kiss, then stroke and finally, after the fourth meeting with the woman, he could put her to bed. At this point, the woman was already in love with him. She thought the affair was just beginning, but to her horror, he suddenly receded. He no longer showed either friendliness or support, and was not even interested in continuing sexual relations with her. He took from the woman what he wanted - admiration. She played a role and is no longer needed by him. He is also afraid of her love, because he expects her to make some demands on him. His subconscious fear of a woman as an insatiable creature is excited by her passion, and, frightened, he avoids any relationship.

Another reason why monogamy is alien to the nature of a male narcissist is that he feels entitled to receive what he wants, without restrictions. In addition, he is horrified by the thought of dependence on someone, which causes him to shy away from all his devotion to you, even if he marries you.

Because he places so much emphasis on external attractiveness, he may lose interest in you as you get older, and rush to another, younger woman for sexual pleasure.

Male daffodils see you as either “good” in everything or “bad” in everything - they either deify you or consider you to be completely worthless. Most people have both advantages and disadvantages, but daffodils do not understand this. They may love you or hate you, but they will never choose the mean. To be able to love, a person must be able to synthesize positive and negative emotions in relation to the same person. Daffodils cannot do this. When they see any imperfection, they turn away. As a result of this, men often justify their betrayals by saying that you have many shortcomings.

Decay, that is, how a man searches for pieces of what he would like to see in different women instead of finding everything in one, is another important touch to the portrait of a daffodil as a man who is not just incapable of fidelity often completely engrossed in treason.

  An example of narcissism

Narcissism is tantamount to inadequacy, and it often occurs when a child is treated like Gary — like the extension of his mother — and is prevented from developing his own inner self.

As a child, Gary Hart showed signs of complete alienation, characteristic of daffodils. When Gail Shea arrived in the city where Gary Hart grew up, she talked with his classmates. She found that he was not close to any of them. He never invited friends to his place.

At a graduate meeting in 1984, one of his friends said that he was as lonely as he was before.

Also, when it was time for Gary Hart to choose a wife, he did what daffodils often do. They choose women who will illuminate them with the rays of their glory - beauty or social status. Lee may have been a lucky catch for Gary when he met her in college. She was attractive, and her family stood several steps higher than his parents on the social ladder.

At first, Gary considered Lee a "challenge" and passionately sought her, but soon after he got his way and married her, he was horrified by what he had done. This twist is typical of daffodils. They often originally idealize a woman - just like Gary idealized Lee. Once a woman is conquered, quick disappointment sets in and the need for other women as a new source of adoration increases. There is evidence that Gary began to change at the very beginning of family life. A neighbor observing his behavior said: “Lee often went to Kansas or Nebraska to see her family, and he stayed with John and Andre. They only learned to walk at this time, but as soon as Lee left the house, young women began to appear one after another. Fifteen minutes before Lee returned, the door closed for the last lady. ”

Gary Hart has a charisma common to all daffodils, and uses it in a specific way with women. At first he unconsciously spreads to them his huge, exciting charm, but then he makes a sharp emotional turn. Some of the women he conquered recounted.

How persistent he was, conquering them, and how deeply indifferent he became immediately after the victory. Politicians say he seduced women and spent weekends with them during his election campaign. Gail Shihi says that when some of these women in love appeared in Washington to work with him, Hart walked past their desks without giving the slightest sign that he recognized them, why they were crying. This is the usual behavior of daffodils, for which others cease to be people - they simply cease to exist in their minds - when they are no longer needed.

The narcissist's utilitarian approach to people extends to his wife. Gary Hart got married for political gain, but he often forgot to introduce his wife, and he had to remind him to kiss or just touch Lee.

The inability to empathy characteristic of daffodils seemed to be also a character trait of Gary Hart. Gail Shihi said that he could not combine emotional and moral aspirations: the people around him with their practical benefits for him. “He retired to call those who could give him political support, and rarely thanked those who had sacrificed their own careers for months and years for his sake.” Perhaps the most convincing evidence of Hart’s inability to understand other people's feelings was the fact that he was astounded to learn from his wife that his children were busted as a result of the scandal with Donna Kreis.

Finally, the megalomania, so characteristic of the personality of the daffodil, is quite clearly visible in the first character of Gary Hart.

Larry Smith, who was Hart’s Assistant Administrator in the early 1980s, was so worried about his megalomania that he resigned when Hart began preparing to run for

presidents. Smith later told MPs that he had left, mainly because he had been convinced of Hart's dangerous sensation of his “divinity and exclusiveness.”

This is an accurate description of daffodils, who consider themselves superior to others, recognize the right to whatever they want, and act as if they can destroy anything because of their characteristic blindness - they are not able to compare their actions with how they affect other people.

Hart’s sense of superiority and blindness of selfishness was reaffirmed a few weeks later when he again entered the campaign from the Democratic Party. He was asked why he spent the weekend with Miss Rye, despite the assistant's warning that they might be watching him. Although the results of the preliminaries were unsuccessful for him, Hart still could not realize the depravity of his logic. Therefore, with a sense of moral superiority, he replied: “I have the same rights as any other American citizen, and I can accept at my own discretion anyone I want. For me it is a matter of principle. ” The right to which Hart has referred does not apply to those who aspire to the presidency, but Hart still could not understand this.

Narcissism seems to be the true cause of Hart's failure. Infidelity is characteristic of the behavior of the narcissus, but does not yet make up the whole picture. Hart had fun, despite the warnings of the people around him, and the press could no longer remain silent, and he, fooling around, invited reporters to accompany him, because he really could not reasonably analyze the consequences of his actions. It was not stupidity or self-desire, as many had suggested. It was the elementary inability of the daffodil to relate his actions to how they affect others, and she did not allow Gary Hart to become a serious candidate for president.

Under narcissism is understood a character trait in which a person tries in every possible way to protect his personality from any criticism. Such a person has narcissism and high self-esteem. In the case of any claims against his person, he is very upset and angry. A person suffering from narcissism is convinced of his exclusivity, that he is truly a unique creature. He demands that he be treated according to his inner conviction. At the same time, there is often a dismissive attitude towards other people, an opinion is formed that those around must blindly fulfill the wishes of the daffodil. The statement that such a person suffers may seem strange to someone, but he suffers from his own views and does not allow himself to really enjoy life. Let us consider this question in more detail.

Recognizing narcissism is not at all difficult. As a rule, such a person herself begins to demonstrate her problem. This is not the case when the difficulty is hidden and in every possible way concealed even from loved ones. You will not pass by someone who is constantly demonstrating something, trying to seem better than he really is. Signs of narcissism are literally striking and cannot go unnoticed by others.

Heightened self-esteem

Narcissism expresses itself in an inadequately high self-esteem. It seems to such a person that he is much better than others. People around him seem unworthy of his attention, stupid and petty. If the daffodil is at least somewhat involved in intellectual work, then he will despise ordinary people engaged in hard physical work. In most cases, the daffodil is lazy and will not do anything without desire. Such narcissism does not allow you to build sincere relationships, to make true friends. Overpriced self-esteem does not allow you to really work on your shortcomings, since they are not even noticed. For such a person, there are no internal barriers and restrictions. She is not able to give, because she only cares about her own comfort and well-being. People in most cases notice this personality trait, and it cannot but repel. As a result, a person becomes even more lonely and strengthens in his own rightness regarding his person.

Waiting for admiration

Another sign of narcissism is a manic desire to gain admiration for people. Thus, a person is strengthened in his irresistibility and uniqueness. Narcissism is a one-man show. Most often, such a person does not really represent a lot, but he speaks a lot and attracts excessive attention. He knows how to charm, constantly talks only about himself, emphasizes strengths and hides flaws. In fact, such a person suffers from extreme self-doubt and tries to hide it behind a mask of narcissism. It is important for him to receive recognition from people. Otherwise, he will not be able to fully exist. Such a person will not be able to sit alone at home; it is important for her to convey some ideas and views to others. Basically, any thoughts and views will relate directly to his own person. Narcissism only makes you take it, sometimes sometimes by force, and not give it away. That is why such a person sooner or later begins to feel deeply miserable.

Ignoring Criticism

Narcissism sometimes completely overshadows the mind. A person does not notice anyone around him. He ignores criticism, passes any comments past his ears. Sometimes it is much more difficult to negotiate with him than with an aggressive personality. Ignoring the comments addressed is a clear sign of narcissism. This is the behavior of a person who is extremely strengthened in his own superiority over others. Men and women are equally affected by narcissism in their lives. And if a person does not have an understanding of the need to respect others, then he will not do that.

Lack of compassion

Usually, a person has some awareness that other people can also suffer and at some point they need help and participation. A true daffodil does not recognize these laws. For him, the whole world revolves only around his own needs and desires. On installation, he takes care of himself from others, and does not seek to thank for anything. He will never show sympathy. Someone else's grief does not concern him in any way. Lack of compassion is also a sign of narcissism. The more stale and impenetrable a person is, the stronger the sense of his own exclusiveness grows in him. To offend the interlocutor for him is not worth anything. Sometimes people deliberately provoke others into a quarrel to make sure that they are irresistible.

Self confidence

True narcissism necessarily implies a vivid self-confidence. It is difficult to convince such a man or woman. In some people, signs of narcissism literally appear on the face. They demonstrate how much they love themselves. Most often, they will argue to the last, defending their interests even when no one is trying to challenge these interests. As a rule, such people are quite ambitious and believe that they can achieve any success. At the same time, in reality, they put little effort into somehow developing. All their activity comes down to creating the appearance of success, and not really attracting it into your life. Self-confidence as a sign of narcissism is quite easily recognizable. If a person constantly demonstrates to others how wonderful and unique he is, this is a good reason to think. The demonstration of success is also imaginary. All the achievements of the daffodil are invented, exaggerated and fake. The most interesting thing is that somewhere deep down he knows this.

Feeling exceptional

A characteristic feature of narcissism is a sense of self-exclusivity. Such a person, as a rule, was convinced of his irresistibility, that his possibilities were much wider than those of others. Daffodils love to attract attention, constantly translate the conversation on the topic of their own person. They cannot and do not want to learn to understand the people around them; they do not consider their deeds and actions to be at least somehow significant. Interacting with such a person is incredibly difficult. Sometimes it seems that you have to constantly break through the thick wall of misunderstanding. In addition, pretentious mannerism, pride can be incredibly annoying and repulsive. That is why such people in most cases are single and nobody needs.

Narcissism in men and women

Narcissism is found in both men and women. Men focus on their achievements. Man - narcissus will be neglected by a woman. A narcissist man perceives the whole world as a gift for himself alone. He is not used to denying anything to himself, to compromise his interests. Such a man is always right. Even if he really has not achieved anything in his life, then everyone will say that he managed to come to incredible achievements. In fact, a man who has made it his rule to admire himself is often financially dependent on his mother, or on the second half. Men are daffodils more demanding and proud than women. In some cases, such people don’t give a damn about their family, because they get used to taking care only of themselves.

As for women suffering from narcissism, such persons are extremely concerned about their own appearance. They are unlikely to make money themselves. Most likely, their plans include finding a man with a fat wallet, who will keep them all his life. Such women admire themselves at every opportunity. Men in their understanding exist only in order to satisfy their many needs. All this, of course, is sad, but men often really sometimes admire these ladies, because they seem inaccessible, they want to conquer, conquer.

Like any phenomenon, the development of narcissism must have its own reasons. These reasons are quite specific, since they affect the problem of personality development.

Low self-esteem

In fact, his behavior narcissus is trying to compensate for low self-esteem. How to get rid of it? Only work on yourself, eliminate the causes that led to the development of narcissism as a defensive reaction. When a person does not know what to do with his own life, problems will inevitably come. It is worthwhile to understand that dependence on the opinions of others will not add happiness. We need to learn to develop our own opinions on important issues. Narcissism is a phenomenon that needs treatment. Moreover, the treatment should be a meaningful and serious step made of their own free will. Correction of low self-esteem will help correct the situation.

Excessive custody

Another cause of narcissism is excessive parental care. When every step of the child is monitored, a firm opinion is formed that he himself will not be able to achieve anything in this life. In most cases, strong custody harms the development of a person, does not allow him to be himself.   Having become an adult, such an individual will always try to seek confirmation of the correctness of his actions from others. And this behavior needs treatment.

Psychological trauma

A significant reason for the development of narcissism is the presence of one or more psychological injuries. A striking sign of internal ill-being is precisely the belief that other people must meet your requirements. Narcissism is often formed as a result of an incorrect approach to life. It can arise for many reasons, completely independent of education.

Narcissism treatment

Narcissism needs treatment because it makes a person suffer. Such treatment should be based on the formation of an adequate self-esteem, on how to learn to respect others.

Empathy development

Selfless surrender will help shape empathy. A person must realize that one cannot constantly listen only to himself and strive to satisfy only his own needs. The person should notice that other people live nearby who are in great need of help and support.

Group psychotherapy

Special trainings on self-development, where it is required to help others, will help get rid of a false sense of superiority over others. Group psychotherapy is an excellent treatment for those who cannot imagine their life without narcissism. Men, as a rule, begin to recover faster than women. This is due to the fact that if an awareness of his responsibility to his family comes to him, then this will not be taken away. And a woman in many cases still relies on her spouse and it is difficult for her to give up many wealth.