Mom is tired of the child: how to regain strength. I'm tired of my rude children

Hello.
  A little about myself, I’m 30 years old, a higher education, has grown up in a complete prosperous family. Itself behind her husband, there are two children, boys 6 years old and 3 years old, the children are very long-awaited, and suffered. Until recently, she adored children, blew off dust particles from them, even did not give them to kindergarten, it was a pity. But a week ago, something broke, the children began to annoy, in the flesh until sometimes it seems to me that I hate them. I try not to show this, ashamed, I don’t recognize myself.
  The eldest son is especially annoying, he does not want anything, he is not interested in anything, he only wants to watch cartoons, play computer games, run, scream and wave sticks.
   Because of all this, I have a depressed mood, I don’t want anything, I don’t want anything, I do everything from under the stick because I need it.
  In principle, I understand why this is happening, I’m very tired, no one helps me with children, I drag everything on myself, I regret that I didn’t send them to kindergarten, because of which I’m sitting at home with me, I can’t go to work, i.e. I can’t fully realize myself, I completely depend on my husband financially and can’t help him. Previously, it seemed to me that this was all for the sake of children, but now it seems to me that this is all in vain, and I'm wasting my time. But at the same time, giving them to kindergarten will not solve the problem, they will start to hurt and I will have to run between the kindergarten and the children's clinic in a circle, this already happened. Yes, and to arrange children in the garden is now a big problem, you will have to pay a lot of money, but we have repairs now ... Although it may be worth a try, the problem is this ...
  In general, I don’t know what to do, I wrote, it seems to have become easier ...

Olga, the youngest should be given to kindergarten and not to predict his illness. The more confident you are, the easier the baby in the garden is adhered. The husband should know that raising boys is a masculine affair. Let him pay attention to his sons and spend more time with them. Give the eldest son to sports. Be sure to arrange for yourself hours of rest from children. Connect your husband to help yourself. The less you patronize the boys, the better it will be for them.

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Hello Olga. You have a normal life crisis of 30 years. There are fears that you have chosen the wrong path of life, depression, self-flagellation and self-accusation. You need to deal with this together with a psychologist and then the old love for children will return. Good luck!

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Hello Olga.

Well you said - wrote, and it seems to have become easier ...

You know, it’s normal when your own children are annoying. Of course, if all my life - then this is not very :)

And since you tried to live "for them," which is fundamentally wrong, you came to this result.

It is time to be - another. Not just for kids. And not so much for them.

Change ..., change ...

Kindergarten, something else - you need to try everything.

Do not paint the future - you still will not plan it 100 percent.

Just change your life.

While this can be done painlessly.

Work? If you want, work.

"Do not be afraid of the future - it is not the present :)"

(Repair is “cheaper” than your peace and health).

G. Idrisov.

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The food is always on the floor, the juices are sticky, I constantly wipe it, everything from them constantly drops out of my hands, they make noise, they never shut up, they don’t listen, one of them needs to be called four times, otherwise they don’t obey.

Children spread dirt everywhere, they study poorly and not though, they are specially inaccurate in the toilet, they constantly throw something from the window, the walls were repaired, holes again. A new bed made to order, and already ripped off the rim, in the hallway the whole wall was painted with a marker, we smeared it, we did our best, but you can still see that it needs to be painted.

The curtains were torn both in the hall and in their room, the rope from the blinds was torn, the garbage from the eaten food is also scattered in the corners of the house, they constantly drag food from the refrigerator and scatter everything around the apartment. One of them glued my sister’s gum to the ceiling of the car, they take matches if they see and scorch them even in a wooden house, throwing them on the floor. My sister was at the cottage once, and they climbed high at home and took matches, I don’t know where to hide from them, they’ll climb to the very height, not hide anything. Together they constantly fight for one thing, they steal, they lie, constantly blame each other, they just need to get out, after 5 minutes they get dirty again, go after me and get dirty, even when my floors are worn and do not allow the floor to be washed.

For 7 years I’m tired of yelling at them so much and doing everything for them, but there’s no return, some troubles, my husband is always on business trips and also, when he’s at home, I’m more restrained and my husband scolds them. We fight with my husband after the birth of twins, he blames me for everything. Like, I spoiled them too much and they are so not brought up. And I’m tired of saying the same thing, punishing them, but they still don’t obey. It is simply unbearable. I also tell them that my love with their behavior turns into hatred for them. And that I will soon die from stress and disappointment in them. Ill and die.

I expect them to grow up and leave home. What can you do? What got, then have to grow. My twins get it, it just doesn't help. Now she began to punish and deprive what they like best. TV, video games, bike rides, even my hug sometimes. How to love them? But the daughter is smart and obedient, good, smart girl, I love her and in general I can endure anything from her, because she brought me so many troubles even at a young age. And the site of these two boys, always manages to do such that the hair stands on end.

Question to the psychologist:

Hello! My name is Kristina, married, I have three children.

I gave birth to the first child, a son, at the age of 19, being in my first marriage. The baby was born prematurely and died a few days later. My husband and I divorced some time after what happened. The death of a very desirable child was the first and very serious injury for me. For many years then I dreamed of children, asked God for them, but there was no one to give birth to.

Then I met a wonderful man, we got married, a daughter was born. I was already 29 years old at that time, that is, it was somehow a bit late. Then after 3 years a son was born. My happiness knew no bounds, because I got what I really wanted: my husband, children, everything is fine. The children grew up next to their grandmothers, I had the opportunity to relax, do my own thing.

When our son turned one year old, we moved to another region, since our opportunities for work and salaries were very limited. No one was already around, the children were on me, my husband left early in the morning and returned late in the evening. I also began to work on remote work, so that somehow it would be easier financially. It would be difficult to go to work somewhere in the office, as children have the peculiarity of being sick one by one. I have a higher education, I have my own ambitions, but I reconciled to the fact that until my son grows up, I will not go anywhere to work, so I continued to work from home and deal with children.

Last year, unexpectedly, I was pregnant again ... Yes, I wanted children, but this pregnancy led me to a complete stupor. I was already 35, I was 36 years old, my health was no longer the same, the children seemed to have, where else. In addition, it was, in fact, the third decree in a row ... But I could not go and have an abortion. Could not be all. Here, if you will, without explanation. I fell in love with the child as soon as I realized that he lives in me.

A beautiful daughter was born, she is more like me than all children, she is now almost a year old ... But! But here they went alone but ... I'm tired. I’m so tired that sometimes I can’t move. As if my body was saving power.

Apparently, those who say that children should be given birth before the age of 30 are right. Most likely, the matter is both in age and in the fact that there were almost no breaks between my decrees. I’m tired of the infant romp, I want to sleep at night, and not go to rock the baby, I want to be silent during the day, but I need to talk with the child in order to develop. What is it with the youngest child! With the elder one needs to do homework, communicate, educate; with the average one also needs to talk, explain ... Yes, a lot of things! And this I am only talking about what needs to be done with children. But there is also a husband, there is work. Yes, despite childbirth, I continue to work. No strength, but through the "can not" forced to continue.

Children are very active, noisy, and I'm tired of the noise. I want silence. At the same time, I understand that when the children grow up and go into adulthood, I will have enough silence, and that I will long for the old days ... But for now, everything annoys me.

Tearing off at all: on her husband, on older children ... and what is most terrible - on the youngest too. Controlling yourself is getting worse.

I probably will never be able to go back to regular work. Until the youngest one grows up, until they stop getting sick in turn, I will not even try to get anywhere, and then no one will need me because of my age.

Perhaps all my problems right now are due to postpartum depression. But fatigue is just not passing. There is simply no way to rest and gain strength somewhere.

As already mentioned above, there is no one to help us here. To hire a nanny - we have not earned yet.

I constantly reproach myself that I am a bad mother. That I’m a terrible person in general: I got what I wanted, and now I growl and shout at all this. And that I gave birth to children, and now I can not cope with all this economy.

All this drove me into such a corner that recently thoughts of very bad things, about suicide, have begun to appear. I drive my thoughts as far as possible, but you won’t go far on this.

Once she forced herself to do one very tough thing: she imagined in turn that it was as if I did not have one of the children. This supported me for a while, as I clearly realized that I love every child very much. But ... fatigue did not go away by itself. I still use any moment to isolate myself from everyone, even for a minute, to be in silence, with myself.

Question. At this point, a question should be raised, otherwise the rules will be violated. I don’t even know how to formulate it. How to deal with this condition? Did I really not succeed as a mother with such an attitude towards children? With great respect to you and your work.

The psychologist Opaleva Alexandra Alexandrovna answers the question.

Christina, good afternoon. Once I read an article in which the author in euphoria claimed that “a good mother never cries.” Unfortunately, some mothers strongly believe that this is so. And they reproach themselves with the fact that in fact they do not possess superpowers. Forgetting, as in the above statement, that children communicate using crying, and if he smiles all the time, this is at least strange.

You must also accept the fact that the third decree is really very difficult, although it seems that the path has already been covered more than once. They crush the walls in the apartment, monotonous days, constant noise, demands every minute of your attention, not the opportunity to stay in silence for even an hour ... And also a husband who also requires attention.

Recognize that you are a good mother, you want all members of your family to be warm and comfortable. But for you to remain calm and happy mom, you need time for yourself. I propose to talk directly with my husband that his children too and he should pay attention to them, that you just need his help. Let him take all the children on his day off and go for a walk with them for at least an hour. And you do what you want at that time, but not household chores. Sleep, lie down, read and so on. This is called spouse support. Yes, and fathers do not interfere once again with children. Also consider how your elders can help. Ask them for help too. This will strengthen your family and make you feel better.

For every woman, motherhood is unlimited happiness. But often there are times when mom literally falls off her feet from wild fatigue. It has long been considered the norm that a person who comes home from work every day can get tired. But few people understand why mothers who are at home with the baby get tired.

Especially this can not be understood by young dads who believe that since the wife is sitting with the child, then the whole decree is an endless rest. They simply can’t imagine that in addition to studying with the baby (bathing, changing clothes, walking, feeding, and developing games), a woman should have time to do a lot of things: prepare food, do cleaning, iron things and redo a lot of other things. With such a frantic mode, young mothers sometimes forget to even brush their hair, not to mention taking the time to manicure.

The cause of fatigue is not a child

Most women quickly become so tired that, figuratively speaking, they can even fall asleep while standing. And they consider this condition to be normal, saying that they are just tired of children. But this is not so. It is impossible to get tired of the kids, on the contrary they are our little motivators, sources of strength and energy. Children give smiles and sonorous laughter, teach compassion and kindness, giving us their love. What women call child fatigue is nothing but fatigue.

Why is a woman tired?

There are two types of fatigue: physical  and emotional.

Mom for the whole day is very tired of the cycle of endless affairs. And if we add to this another chronic lack of sleep, then of any joy of motherhood, of course, there can be no question. A woman wants to put her baby to bed as early as possible in order to “eliminate” the cause of fatigue, instead of helping the baby learn about the world around it.

If mommy feels physically well and regularly gets enough sleep, then the cause of fatigue lies in emotional exhaustion.

What to do in order not to get tired?

Try not to get tired physically and maintain a positive attitude at least   Some of the tips below.

• Do not save on your sleep. To have time to redo all the affairs while the baby is sleeping is not the best idea for the exhausted mother. If possible, try to go to bed with your child and wake up with him. If you put your baby for an afternoon nap, try to take a little nap too.
• Set priorities. It is clear that all household chores are necessary, but still try to do something not every day, but every other day. This will already be a little relief to you.
• Take help from others. If you do not have time to do important things or you need support - report your difficulties. Asking for help when it's hard for you is fine.
• Do not give up hobbies. If before birth you liked to read, were fond of yoga or drew - try to find time for your favorite pastime. Such a small outlet will give you strength for new "exploits."
• Make the right menu: exclude night meals and sweets for dinner, eat fried foods as little as possible (especially the most delicious, with a crust). Take vitamin courses periodically.
• Take at least 15-20 minutes for yourself. At this time, you can make a face mask, hair removal, manicure, prepare your favorite dessert or just go to the beauty salon. If the baby does not give you this time - ask your husband to spend several minutes in private with the child every evening.
• Do not forget about intimate relationships with your spouse! This is now necessary not only to her husband, but also to you. A woman on maternity leave can even forget how to relax. This must not be allowed. Have fun with your husband. It calms the nervous system and gives a surge of energy.
• Get out of the house with the whole family at least once a week. Let it be an elementary walk in the city square, a picnic by the river or a trip to visit.
• And most importantly: look at the world positively. Try to see something good in every little thing.

Hello, wonderful readers! I often hear that a woman is tired of a child. That motherhood is becoming unbearable. I want to run away to work as soon as possible or just take the child to the garden.

Almost all mothers have had this condition at least once. And in fatigue itself there is nothing shameful, there is nothing terrible and surprising.

Being a mom is a great psychological burden. Working as a mom is two shifts plus night shifts. Without days off and without holidays. Is it any wonder that a woman feels tired?

However, it’s one thing - if you feel tired in the evening after a difficult day, and in the morning you are full of joy and strength again ... And it’s another thing if your tiredness from a child has become permanent, chronic. If the joy of motherhood fades against this background. This situation urgently needs to be changed.

First step

We omit unnecessary reasoning and proceed immediately to the question: what to do? And then I have to disappoint someone. In order to get rid of constant fatigue, you need to significantly change yourself.

This work is not easy and quick. But the only way to learn how to live differently. Learn to perceive the role of mom in a different way. And only in this way can you switch to a new mode in which you do not get tired with children.

Now I have two kids. The eldest daughter is 4 years old, her son is 2 years old. We live without kindergartens, help from grandmothers is minimal. And I had global fatigue only in one period of my life - 4 years ago.

Only after the birth of the eldest daughter. Never then - neither with the birth of my second child, nor with the advent of numerous difficulties, did I have exhaustion or severe fatigue. Temporary - yes, it was. But with her, you can quickly recover. A chronic ... Only 4 years ago.

And then, 4 years ago, I had to change myself greatly. Make a jerk. Go from depression to joyful motherhood. Therefore, I know what I'm talking about. It was difficult. Really hard. But that was the only right decision.

The first step a tired mother must take is to realize if she really wants to make a difference. Does she really want to stop her depression, her breakdowns on a child, her dull life? Or is she happy with everything? After all, perhaps she would prefer to just continue to whine until the baby goes to kindergarten?

The first thing you need: make a firm decision. Before you are two paths: the path of whining and the path of development. You can continue to complain. Continue to believe that you have the worst situation, the most unbearable child, brush aside all the advice and just suffer. Or you can decide what is enough! Just enough! This can no longer go on!

Instead of looking for reasons why you are unhappy with a child ... You can look for ways to be happy with a child. Instead of proving that happiness is impossible, you can just start changing your life.

Motherhood is the most beautiful time in a woman’s life. And it depends on you whether this time will be a wonderful bright time for you and the baby, or whether the first years will be overshadowed by your endless fatigue, screams and depression.

What can be changed?

During these 4 years, studying the most diverse aspects of motherhood and parenting, communicating with a wide variety of women, I understood one thing: if a woman is determined to change, she has already passed half the path to success.

Your mood is very important. Very important. I already have several dozen articles on the topic of maternity adoption on my site. But I regularly get comments that deny everything written. In which the authors complain about their lives, they colorfully describe that everything is much more complicated for them, that I am describing something impossible, and nothing really works for them!

I have many reasons to doubt that their case is “harder” than ours. Given that the son did not recognize any sun loungers, nor mobiles, or highchairs, and did not want to lie there for a minute. But in fact, it doesn’t matter.

I learn a lot from mothers of children with Down Syndrome. Believe me, their situation is much more complicated than yours than mine, than all the situations combined! And these mothers sometimes repeat that they have a choice: to plunge into hopeless depression or to accept their motherhood, to enjoy motherhood.

Many among these mothers are happy with their children and grateful for their motherhood, no matter what. For me, such people are an example. And I want to say: if they could, if they learned to live in their own conditions, then why can't we do this? In our very light conditions?

So, we can live happily with our children. We can relax with the children. We can! But for this you need to change your thinking to positive. And look for opportunities for relaxation. And they always are.

How to relax with a child?

Even with a baby you can have a good rest.

Firstly, you can not overload yourself with everyday life. Monitor your condition. When fatigue occurs, we do household chores to a minimum. Opportunities - darkness! Cook pasta, cereals, simple soups. Finished dumplings, after all! We agree with the husband. We order food in a restaurant.

If I have little strength, I just cook any side dish (buckwheat, rice, pasta) and cut vegetable salad for it (tomatoes, cucumbers, Chinese salad). You can add cheese. And a simple lunch came out. It takes almost no time.

If the husband is at home, then it is quite appropriate to ask him to sit for 20 minutes with the kids.

However, at the moment my children have different modes, and I have almost no time when both are sleeping, and I do not sleep. And that does not stop me from resting. Read more about the rest in the articles "", "" "".

Here I will only briefly tell you what restores me during the day:

• self-care - hairstyles, body cream, face mask. All this takes little time and can be arranged with children;
• i prepare my favorite sweets and eat with pleasure;
• i read books from the phone when my son falls asleep;
• i listen to my favorite music and dance;
• i come up with interesting creative activities with children that are interesting to me myself. I find ideas on the Internet or in books;
• i constantly go with friends to my children (also with children), I talk a lot at playgrounds;
• a small sports training at home fills well;
• as well as maintaining your blog;
• as well as decorating food;
• in extreme cases - I watch movies with the children. 40 minutes is enough;
• i can get into the bath with the children;
• i listen to lectures for 20 minutes at a time;
• sometimes I sleep during the day with my son.

Already I hear how many people say: “But it is impossible with mine!” Dear ones, re-read the first paragraphs of this article. Of course, my methods will not work for everyone! And your methods will not suit me! All children are different. And all mothers are different. Our recreation opportunities have constantly changed as children grow older.

Kids sleep more, require less attention, do not ask a hundred questions per minute. But they must be constantly kept in their hands or in a sling.

After a year - already its own characteristics. After two or three years - their own. And your task is to look for opportunities for relaxation. Its features. Open up to these opportunities. Try. To try a lot.

Perhaps it will be useful to you - "", for absolutely crumbs - ""

Changing the consciousness of a woman

In order to live a happy life with your kids, it is important to learn how to restore their resources and treat their children correctly. Do not strain too much during the day. Live more relaxed.

Understand why the child does not obey. Learn parenting and be on the same wavelength with the baby. Lots to read and listen.

Here are some more tips:

1. Think about what you are missing on maternity leave? Creativity? Travel? Communication? And think about how this can be organized. Almost everything can be organized.
2. Find those activities with children that you yourself will be interested in. Not everyone loves the simplest crafts. I don’t like it either. But I like to do something unusual from unusual materials. Look on the Internet what masterpieces they create from cans, empty bottles or cones. Perhaps needlework is not yours at all. But you can show children more interesting places in the city and in nature. Tell more stories. Put experiments together.
3. Learn to live without expectations. To be in the present moment, and not wait for the baby to fall asleep.
4. Do not try to catch everything at once. Live more slowly and relaxed.
5. Try to organize the space of your apartment well. Reduce the number of toys and everything that makes you mess. Hang good locks on all cabinets (cheap children easily open, but there are those that an adult can hardly open). Everything forbidden - in a locker cabinet.
6. Clutch your children more, have fun and indulge.
7. Learn to do everything with children. All things. And when they sleep, relax.
8. Learn positive thinking.
9. Take it simpler to painted wallpapers, broken switches, and other costs. It turned out to prevent - good. No - do not be killed. This is such a trifle!

The course " Why does the baby sleep poorly?"