Love addiction. Co-dependent relationship

You sacrifice a lot for the sake of your partner, try to please him in everything, but do not get anything in return? No matter how sad it may sound, you are trapped in an emotional trap. There are many ways to overcome co-dependent relationships and balance your life. Let's look at them further.

What is a co-dependent relationship?

The first step to gaining emotional freedom is understanding the nature of co-dependence. In short, this phenomenon can be explained as a fanatical adoration of someone, an obsession with man. Experts say that the model of personality behavior in this case is clearly based on the approval by the object of passion of the actions performed. At the same time, the brink of human dignity and pride is touched. It begins to wear off when the main goal is to satisfy the needs of the partner, even if they contradict their own comfort.

“Co-dependent relationships mean the degree of unhealthy passion for another person, in which the person completely ceases to be independent,” says Scott Wetzler, Ph.D., head of psychology at Albert Einstein College of Medicine. “One or both sides literally depends on the desires of their loved ones.”

Everyone can become co-dependent. Some researchers have shown that people who have previously been emotionally abused or neglected by their parents are most at risk of fanatically engaging in a partner.

"Such children are often taught to forget their own needs in order to please their foster children. It develops the habit of constantly trying to earn love and care from a loved one," says Sean Burn, a professor of psychology at California Polytechnic State University.

“In adulthood, people often reproduce patterns imposed on them from childhood. However, such patterns are filled with gaps in personality development,” says Wetzler.

How to recognize an unhealthy passion for a partner

Such signs may indicate co-dependence:

You cannot enjoy any life activities without the participation of a specific person.
You notice the negative attitude of the partner towards you, but at the same time continue to stay with him.
You sacrifice your mental, emotional, and physical health to support your chosen one.

“A person can also assume that he is in a dependent relationship if someone from the circle hinted at it. In addition, there are frequent cases of the periodic appearance of a desire to be more engaged in one's life. But in any case, when you try to break this trap, an even stronger internal conflict develops, says psychologist Set Myers. - A person begins to feel anxiety more often and stronger than any other emotions that may arise in a relationship. As a result, a person spends a lot of time trying to figure it out. He is either trying to change his partner, or continues to fulfill his wishes. "

Consequences of co-dependent relationships

Ignoring one’s own needs in order to gain another person’s disposition can lead to negative short-term and long-term consequences.

“It is likely that this will lead to complete emotional exhaustion. In addition, you can begin to neglect relationships with other loved ones, says Bern. - If a person becomes co-dependent, then he simply supports the dysfunctions of another person. This takes away from his partner the opportunity to learn from his mistakes and get life lessons. "

How to break out of emotional slavery?

The gap does not have to be the best or only way out. According to Misty Hook, candidate of psychological sciences, in order to adjust relations, it is important to establish their own boundaries, allowing the person to feel complete emotional comfort. She is also sure that partners should discuss the problem, and then set the main goals of the relationship, which will satisfy both.

“It's important to spend time with friends and family during this transition period to expand our support circle,” says Hook. - Find your own hobbies. Try to set aside certain periods of time in your personal space to create a healthy relationship with each other. ”

“But keep in mind that your actions may inadvertently increase co-dependence,” Wetzler notes. “Sometimes people fool themselves into thinking that they help mend relationships, but at the same time continue to strive for the full comfort of their partner.”

CAUTION! Co-dependent relationship

The most common relationship model is co-dependent relationship with fixation on a partner. We were taught this way - to live different, to love another, to idealize another, to curse another too ... The focus was always outside, not inside. It's hard for us to think that something is wrong here. Nevertheless, it is the focus on the personality of another, and not on oneself,it brings us a lot of suffering and pain. After all, when two people go deep into relationships, it is quite predictable and guaranteed that at a certain moment they will open the deepest wounds of each other and click on the most painful points.

What determines our dependence in relationships? And what does she hide under herself? How "inevitable" are our sufferings?

If you smiled and thought "well, this is not about me", do not rush to close the topic. The symptoms of co-dependent relationships are opaque and insidious, you need focused awareness, and the courage to see them in your life. For example, it throws you in the cold, then in the heat - from the feeling of your own chosenness and superiority to complete self-abasement. Or just about that, and there will be a need for approval and support from others in order to feel that everything is going well. Or periodically a feeling of powerlessness rolls over to change something in the current relationship, which slowly but surely kills both. Or you often seek salvation in alcohol, food, work, sex, or in some other external stimulants to distract from your experiences, inability to experience a feeling of true intimacy and love. And the role of a martyr is given to you especially gracefully and naturally ... Then look, don’t be afraid, face it that you may have been squeezed out of your mind that you have denied yourself for many years or even “not guessed” your dependence .

FEATURES OF MANIFESTATION OF DEPENDENCE:

Does a person determine who he is? (your identity) only through relationships. Without a partner, he does not think at all. In a relationship, he is somehow supplemented to the whole, but at what cost? - disowning himself. Looks at another as a source of his happiness and fullness of existence. If I am not happy, I consider the other responsible for this.

A dependent person constantly depends on another person: on his opinion, on his mood, on whether he approved or frowned and so on.

It is very difficult for addicted persons to separate themselves from a partner. Losing a partner is unbearable for them. Therefore, they seek to increase infantile interdependence, rather than reduce it. They thereby reduce their value, sabotage their freedom. They also undermine partner’s freedom constantly.

Such people are characterized by inability to perceive and respect the individuality, uniqueness, and “friendism” of a loved one. True, they do not perceive themselves as separate people. This is the source of many unnecessary suffering. When one person says to another, “I cannot live without you,” this is not love, this is manipulation. Love is the free choice of two people to live together. Moreover, each of the partners can live alone.

Dependent people are looking for a couple, trying in this way to solve their problems. They believe that love relationships will cure them of boredom, melancholy, lack of wash in life. They hope that the partner will fill the void of their life. But when we choose a mate, placing similar hopes on it, in the end, we cannot avoid hatred for a person who has not met our expectations.

Not able to determine their psychological boundaries. Dependent people do not know where their borders end and where the borders of other people begin.

Always try to make a good impression on others. They always try to earn love, to please other people, wear “goodness” masks.

Thus, addicted people try to control the perceptions of other people. But at what cost - betraying your true feelings, needs:

They do not trust their own views, perceptions, feelings or beliefs, but they listen to the opinions of others.

Try to become necessary for other people. Often play the role of "rescuers."

Jealous.

They have difficulties alone with themselves.

Idealize a partner and become frustrated with him over time.

Not connected with their dignity and inner value.

They experience despair and excruciating loneliness when they are not in a relationship.

It is believed that the partner must change.

When both partners define themselves primarily through relationships, then we can talk about co-dependent relationships.

Co-dependence is a relationship with fixation on another person.

The co-dependence of adults occurs when two PSYCHOLOGICALLY DEPENDENT people establish relationships with each other. In such relationships, each contributes part of what he needs to create a psychologically complete or independent personality. Since none of them can feel and act completely independently of the other, they tend to hold on to each other, like glued. As a result, everyone’s attention is focused on the personality of the other, and not on himself.

As a rule, in a co-dependent relationship, one partner is “addicted in love”, and the second is “avoiding addicted” (this is just a concept - life is much more diverse). Although there are relationships when both are “addicted lovers” or both are “avoiding addicted”.

DEPENDENT LOVE STRATEGY

A disproportionate amount of time and attention is spent on the person to whom the addiction is directed. Thoughts about the "beloved" dominate the mind, becoming an overvalued idea. Characterized by obsession in behavior, in emotions, anxiety, self-doubt, impulsiveness of actions and deeds, difficulty in expressing intimate feelings. A person, as a rule, does not know what he needs specifically, but desperately wants his partner to make him happy (as in a fairy tale: “go there, I don’t know where, bring that, I don’t know what” ...)

Love co-dependent person is always conditional! Fear, jealousy, manipulation, control, claims, reproaches from unjustified expectations are mixed with it.
There is no trust in such a relationship. Without it, a person becomes suspicious, anxious and full of fears, and the other feels himself in an emotional trap, it seems to him that he is not allowed to breathe freely. Jealousy is present - fear of loneliness, low self-esteem and self-dislike.

The dependent is in the grip of experiencing unrealistic expectations in relation to another person who is in the system of these relations, without criticizing his condition. Expectation is the first, weak form of "demand" ... And demand is, in general, aggression. Directed - at oneself, at the world, at life, at another person.

A love addict forgets about himself, ceases to care about himself and think about his needs outside of a dependent relationship. The addict has serious emotional problems in the center of which is fear, which he is trying to suppress. The fear that is present at the level of consciousness is the fear of being abandoned. By his behavior, he seeks to avoid abandonment. But on a subconscious level, this is a fear of intimacy. Because of this, the addict is not able to bear the “healthy” intimacy. He is afraid to find himself in a situation where he will have to be himself. This leads to the fact that the subconscious leads the addict into a trap in which he chooses a partner that cannot be intimate. This may be due to the fact that in childhood, the addict failed, suffered a trauma during the manifestation of intimacy to parents.

STRATEGY OF THE “SHUNTING” DEPENDENT

At the level of consciousness, the avoiding addict has a fear of intimacy. The avoiding addict is afraid that upon entering into an intimate relationship he will lose his freedom, will be under control. On a subconscious level, this is a fear of abandonment. It leads to the desire to KEEP destructive relations, but to keep them at a distant (remote) level. The avoiding addict spends time in another company, at work, in communication with other people. He seeks to give the relationship with a love addict a "smoldering" character. They are important (by the way, here is a possible key to the fact that few men leave their families and marry their mistresses - they are so dependent on their wives - they cannot leave and leave their mistress too ...), but he avoids them. He does not reveal himself in these relationships.

There are no healthy distinctions in relations between addicts, without which intimacy between partners is impossible, recognition of the right to one’s own life is impossible.

At the same time, the loving addict and the avoiding addict are drawn to each other due to "familiar" psychological traits. Despite the fact that traits that attract another can be unpleasant, cause emotional pain, they are familiar from childhood and resemble the situation of childhood experiences. There is an attraction to a friend. Both types of addicts are usually not carried away by independent ones. They seem to them boring, unattractive; they don’t know how to behave with them.

BASIC SIGNS OF THE DEPENDENT RELATIONSHIPS:

Even if you have plenty of objective evidence that existing relationships are not good for you, you are not taking any steps to break these co-dependent models.

You notice that you are looking for excuses for yourself or your partner, look for those responsible for your suffering outside your relationship (lover, mother-in-law, partner's friends, etc.).

When you think about a change or break in your relationship, you feel a sense of fear, and you cling to them even more tightly.

Taking the first steps to changing relationships, you are very anxious and feel very unwell, which can only be eliminated by restoring old models of co-dependence.

If you nevertheless begin to make changes, you feel a great longing for the old patterns of behavior or you feel fright, complete loneliness, emptiness, meaninglessness of life.

REASONS FOR DEPENDENT RELATIONS

Sozavisimost grows from the unconscious feeling that your mother or father, who, as you believed, should have provided you with all the benefits, security and peace of mind, did not give them, and now it all depends on the person with whom you are connected (should be compensated by him).

Co-dependent people subconsciously do not want to grow up. They are in the virtual expectation that they must first carve and take care. But growing up means that you take one hundred percent responsibility for your life and for yourself, which co-dependent people cannot do.

The first stage of growing up is independence ...

Stephen Covey in his book “7 Skills of Highly Effective People” talks about the “axis of maturity”: dependence-\u003e independence-\u003e interdependence. You can look at it through the prism of relationships (see the attached photo table).

It is easy to see that independence requires more maturity than dependence. Independence is our most important achievement in ourselves. However, independence is not the limit of perfection.

Meanwhile, many tend to build independence on a pedestal. To a large extent, today's emphasis on independence is our reaction to addiction - the fact that others control us, determine our lives, use us and manipulate us. That is why we see people who often ruin their marriage, abandon their children, and relieve themselves of any social responsibility - and all this in the name of independence. The reaction of people, expressed in "breaking the shackles", in "release", in "self-affirmation" and in "doing one’s own way", often hides their deeper dependencies, from which it is impossible to escape, because they are more internal than external. These dependencies appear, for example, when we allow other people's shortcomings to destroy our emotional life or feel like a victim of people or events that are beyond our control.

Of course, changing external circumstances may be necessary. However, the problem of dependence is a matter of maturity of the person, which has little to do with external circumstances. Even under favorable circumstances, immaturity and dependence often persist.

For interdependent reality, independent thinking alone is not enough. Independent people, not mature enough to think and act interdependently, can work well individually, but cannot be good partners in marriage.

Self-sufficiency in the Osh sense is already an opportunity to create interdependent (free) relationships. By becoming truly independent, we are laying the foundation for effective interdependence. Because interdependence is the choice that only an independent person can make. Dependent people cannot choose interdependence for themselves. They do not have enough character; they do not possess enough of themselves.

“Interdependence is a much more mature, more progressive concept. If I am interdependent, I understand that you and I can be together, do, have much more than I am alone, even if I try very hard. Thus, being an interdependent person, I get the opportunity to generously and meaningfully share with others everything that I own, and have access to inexhaustible resources and opportunities of other people. Interdependence in relations occurs when partners have learned to live autonomously enough to build a life together and strive to support each other's manifestation of all the best qualities ”(S. Covey).

INTERDEPENDENT RELATIONS, OR RELATIONS FROM FREEDOM

Love between two people can take place only when each of them has turned into a spiritually mature person, and it can be truly deep and beautiful only when they go out of relationship into freedom.

1. Love is freedom, but not freedom that does not recognize obligations. Love is a responsibility, obligations that you yourself voluntarily observe, and freedom of choice that you give to another person. It is important that our love does not become a suffocation for loved ones. Observe obligations to a loved one, but at the same time give him free breathing.
Nobody belongs to anyone! Partner is not my property. He is a man, a soul who has decided to go the way with you so that you can grow together. It is not always easy to release the one you love, but there is no other way. Wisdom of life tells us: the more freedom we give to another, the closer he is to us.

2. To love is to be near when necessary, and to step back a little when space becomes too small for two. “When two empty souls meet, they are already tired of each other at once, their relationship is doomed” (Jigme Rinpoche).

Partners in such close relationships sometimes get close, sometimes move away from each other during their dance, they are not always psychologically together and can still quarrel and argue with each other, but they do it impartially and with respect for each other's needs and feelings. This is made possible by trust and consciousness.

3. Relationships from Freedom and Love are fundamental security. When two people learn to be independent, integral, autonomous people, they no longer need to defend themselves from each other, control (themselves and a partner) and manipulate. Love means that next to you a person can be real. He is allowed to be weak, allowed to doubt, allowed to be ugly, allowed to hurt, allowed to make mistakes. To love a person more than the actions that he performs. To be the one they know that he will never betray. We love and love just like that, for no reason, because we cannot but love. Love out of abundance, not fear and insufficiency. We love not to possess, but to give, give that which overflows us.

4. Relationships from Freedom and Love are always maturity and awareness. This is the deepest work on oneself, first of all. Love is like death. Through the experience of love, a person is reborn for a new life: dissolves his ego, frees himself from it. LOVE - I am ready to give up my egoism.
This is the highest degree of freedom - above all, internal! When you are free yourself, you respect and value the freedom of your partner. Becoming a source of freedom ...

“Immature people, falling in love, destroy each other’s freedom, create dependence, build a prison. Mature people in love help each other be free; they help each other destroy any addictions. When love lives in dependence, ugliness appears. And when love flows with freedom, beauty appears ”(Osho).

Co-dependence in a relationship is a pathological condition of a strong emotional, physical or social dependence on a partner. Most often, the term is used in relation to relatives and friends of drug addicts and alcoholics, but there are exceptions. Co-dependence can occur in couples where there is a strong emotional attachment that contributes to the destruction of both partners.

Signs of co-dependence

Many people confuse co-dependence in relationships with true love. After all, what can make women endure alcoholics, tyrants and drug addicts for a long time, in every possible way to help them overcome life's difficulties? In such relationships there is neither love nor understanding, but they are built on a strong psychological dependence.

Love is not suffering and torment, but a union in which people are not destroyed, but developed. In normal relations, there is no need to control the partner, protect and save him. People do not try to “fix” each other and do not use manipulation methods. Everyone can make independent decisions and realize themselves.

With emotional dependence, a person cannot act independently. It depends on the opinion of the beloved and his mood. He likes to take responsibility for the actions and behavior of others, and then blames everyone for his problems. He needs to feel necessary, and for this he does not what he needs, but what is expected of him. He is afraid to disappoint others, but considers other people's problems to be his own.

Dependent relationships are characterized by:

Rash acts.
"Frozen" feelings.
Misconceptions and self-deception.
Constant guilt.
Low self-esteem.
Ignoring your own needs.
Repressed anger.
Focus on others.
Closedness and depressive behavior.
Control over another person.

Co-dependent relationships are frequent quarrels and conflicts, a lot of criticism and resentment. A person believes that his partner should make him happy, and puts constant pressure on him. Without him, he does not think of life, and he can only determine his identity through relationships. Dependent people cannot perceive themselves as a separate person and create any union to solve problems.

How to get rid of guilt

Who benefits from this?

Co-dependent people can take on the role of “rescuer”, “persecutor” or “victim”. The creator of a relationship is most often a “victim”. She throws all responsibility for her life to those around her and blames the “pursuer” for all the failures. The presence of a “rescuer” is optional. Each of the participants in such relations has its own benefit, which does not allow them to break the destructive game.

The victim can blame all his failures on the “pursuer” and receive support and understanding from the outside. She needs sympathy and approval of her actions. In the presence of a "savior", she sees confirmation of her actions, but is not going to change anything. The “Savior” feels just as important and significant, therefore, it is trying to help the “victim”, which, in the psychology of relations, is unsuccessful. Only if the “victim” herself can leave the “manipulative triangle” will her life change.

Very often, after the breakdown of previous dependent relationships, the “victim” finds a new “persecutor”. This is exactly what happens when a woman leaves a man suffering from alcoholism, and then finds a person with the same addiction. Subconsciously, she is looking for a partner who would help her fully reveal her role. The next search will not succeed until such a woman can not change herself.

Addiction is

How not to be in such a relationship?

Each person independently bears responsibility for his life and has his own vision of the world. It’s not worth taking on someone else’s duties and “saving” other people. It never ends with anything good and has a destructive effect on relationships. An adult man knows how to answer for his actions, and mistakes help him gain experience.

The formation of co-dependence occurs when a person begins to trust responsibility for his life to a partner. In such relationships, there is tight control and management. Partners humiliate each other, often quarrel, there is assault. Each co-dependent person, even in such sad circumstances, has his own benefit and cannot refuse it.

Especially negatively affects the dependence on families with children. Over time, the child ceases to value and respect himself. He does not believe in his own strength and tries to get rid of responsibility. He believes that he must satisfy the needs of his parents, and if he does not, he suffers from feelings of guilt. Over time, a vicious circle forms, and when a child becomes an adult, co-dependence also appears in his family.

Love addiction

Exit stages

Refusal of psychological dependence is difficult for all participants. It seems to man that he needs to turn his back on the dearest and the closest. Refusal of co-dependence implies a return to oneself. It is necessary to learn to distinguish between areas of responsibility and take into account the feelings of loved ones in the family.

Often, co-dependent people need the help of a qualified psychologist. Few people realize and accept the fact that you need to help yourself, and love relationships should be built without harming one's own interests. To exit the co-dependent relationship, you must acknowledge the problem and go through the following steps:

Describe the relationship. Determine what does not suit them and what are the differences with the partner.
Define your role. Make a list of emotions that are characteristic of a relationship. Understand who the “victim”, “persecutor” and “savior” are.
Get rid of co-dependence. You need to draw a triangle on the floor and stand in it. Recall all the experiences and emotions that were in the relationship. A person must clearly understand what makes him suffer and what he is unhappy with in a relationship. It is necessary to mentally get out of them and leave all the negativity in the triangle, then go through the room and find a more comfortable zone.
Assess the consequences. A person must compare what feelings were in the triangle, and what sensations are now beyond.
Describe the desired future. You need to think about how to create the perfect relationship with a partner. To do this, on a piece of paper they write down on points everything that needs to be fixed.

A co-dependent person must realize his individual needs and learn how to satisfy them. If a woman needs communication, there is no need to wait for her husband from work to talk to him - you can call a friend. You can go to a club or park not only with your husband - you have friends for this, or you can do it alone.

Do not rely only on a partner. He may not even guess about the desires of the second half, no matter how obvious they may be. A person must fully accept responsibility for his life. All difficulties and problems should be overcome independently and only in extreme cases, seek help.

The “victim” must learn to live firmly on its feet. You will have to take risks and take on many responsibilities, but only this will help to become completely free and remove dependence on another person.

Each of us dreams of happiness and harmonious relations with a loved one. However, sometimes it turns out that in spite of the fact that we are loved with all our souls, we do not feel either happiness or satisfaction from relations with a loved one. And we are upset when, instead of happiness, our relationship brings us pain, resentment and disappointment.
We forget about ourselves, about our desires and our needs, when we dissolve in a loved one. And when we live the interests of another person, then we live his life. It is when we lose ourselves that we are in a dependent relationship.

If there is an addiction, then there is always a co-dependent relationship. A co-dependent person is one who supports the presence of addiction in another.

Co-dependency - This is a property of the system, not of man. It is impossible for co-dependence to be in one direction and not in the other, that is, it is always mutually and mutually and equally. Co-dependence suggests that people depend on each other.
There are various types of addictive behavior, and the most complex of them are psychological addictions, such as: love, sexual and play. They are considered purely psychological, and they are not easier to overcome than chemical ones.

We cannot be completely independent of anything. And in life, we are all somewhat dependent on each other, and it’s important that this is not an addiction in which we lose our freedom. Emotional dependence can be both from another person, and from the opinions of other people.

Signs of a co-dependent relationship is:
. when a person is in a relationship that does not satisfy both, but for some reason does not break them off;
.for a co-dependent person, the thought of breaking up a relationship causes fear, panic, or great anxiety, so he returns to this relationship again and again, increasing his dependence on his partner;
. if a co-dependent person tries to change the relationship, then he is afraid that nothing will turn out anyway and will quickly return to the old familiar model of relations, otherwise he feels lonely and feels an inner emptiness;
. when a person does not think of his life without a relationship with his partner, he lives by his interests, experiences and at the same time ignores his own needs and desires;
. when a person does not realize his own psychological boundaries, his needs and seeks to please others in order to influence the opinions of others about himself;
. when a person plays the role of sacrifice and savior for others, which helps to increase their own significance and self-esteem in the eyes of others.

Co-dependent behavior originates in early childhood and is formed in relations with the main parental figure, that is, in the parental family. The reason for the co-dependent behavior is the incompleteness of any stage of development in early childhood, when the child must go through such a period of his development, when the psychological autonomy of the personality is established. If in one of the periods of his psychological development the child did not go through the stages of separation from the parental figure and did not receive the experience of approaching the parental figure, then this stage remains incomplete.
All stages of psychological development are interconnected and violation at one of the stages of development affects the next stage of development. And being already in adulthood, a co-dependent person will seek for himself an appropriate partner to complete that stage of his psychological development that has remained incomplete since childhood. This is precisely the complexity of co-dependent relationships, when each partner seeks to complete those stages of development that have remained unfinished and the child has not received experience of approaching and moving away from the parent. Thus, the partners go around the circle of their co-dependent relations, but cannot change them.

That's why psychotherapy of dependent and co-dependent behavior cannot be quick and easy. This is a long psychotherapeutic process, which requires efforts on both sides, not only from the psychotherapist, but also from the co-dependent person.
However, these efforts are justified, since along with the liberation from co-dependence, a feeling of freedom appears. After all, freedom of choice and responsibility for the quality of one’s life is what gives a feeling of happiness, but you should strive for this.

Co-dependent people are completely absorbed in the task of saving a loved one. In a sense, co-dependence is a renunciation of oneself, of one’s desires, interests and feelings. But they don’t notice it, self-interest is lost.

Types of co-dependence, exit methods, seven languages \u200b\u200bof love

Co-dependent behavior is formed not in a marriage with a dependent person, but much earlier - in the parental home. Sozavisimye different sense self-doubt. A wish get love and increase self-esteem implemented due to the manifestation of "care" about others. They have the confidence that the other person will not love him just for what he is, they believe that love needs to be earned.

Sozavisimye people do not know how to define their own boundarieswhere "I" ends and another person begins. Problems, feelings, desires - they have everything in common, everything for two.

The main features of co-dependent behavior are: desire to "save" loved ones; hyperresponsibility (take to myself responsibility for another person's problems); life in constant suffering, pain and fear (as a result of "freezing" of feelings -This person is difficult to answer the question: "What do you feel now?"); all attention and interests are concentrated outside oneself - on a loved one.

Addicted while people, on the contrary, have a reduced sense of responsibility. Their existence is possible only in alliance with a co-dependent person who takes on the solution of their problems.

For a state of co-dependence is typical:

delusion, denial, self-deception;
compulsive actions;
"Frozen" feelings;
low self-esteem, self-hatred, guilt;
repressed anger, uncontrolled aggression;
pressure and control over another person, intrusive help;
focus on others, ignoring their needs, psychosomatic diseases;
communication problems, problems in intimate life, isolation, depressive behavior, suicidal thoughts.

Three typical roles of co-dependent people can be distinguished (Cartman triangle):

the role of "savior";
the role of the “pursuer”;
role of the “victim”.

Co-dependency stages

How does codependency develop? After all, there is no such thing today, everything is fine, but tomorrow morning you wake up and, bang ... co-dependent. Even if you include all issues with a predisposition, then still it's not so fast. Darlene Lancer, a family therapist and a specialist in co-dependence leads 3 stages of its development

Early stage

1. The formation of attachment to addiction. Offer and provision of gratuitous assistance, support, gifts and other concessions.

2. I will like constant attempts (to turn out to be a “kind”, “good” person who is trustworthy).

3. Concern over the behavior of the addict, how and what happens in his life, how he behaves, why this happens.

4. Rationalization of addictive behavior (there are explanations why he is addicted and that he has no other choice not to be addicted)

5. Doubts about what you see. (Even if the person is drunk, he went clearly to get a bottle, to take a dose or play machines, the co-dependent refuses to believe and drives away the thought of what is happening. He gives himself an explanation of “this is really ...”)

6. Denial of addiction ("in fact, he is not an alcoholic, he just sometimes drinks a bottle of vodka 7 days a week. This is only to relieve stress." "In fact, he is not dependent on computer games, he just does his favorite thing, is distracted from bytovuhi)

7. Refusal of own activity. (Remain at home so that the husband does not get drunk)

8. Reduction of social contacts (communicate with those who understand which dependent partner is poor-unhappy and supports a conversation on this topic)

9. Own mood of the co-dependent depends on the behavior of the partner and his mood.

Middle stage

1. Denial and minimization of painful aspects (yes, I stole money, but there was still little money there, yes, it was under the fence, but the fence was good and there was no dirt around)

2. Shelter (if a person is engaged in the realization of his dependence, “otmazyvaya” him, a lie to save)

3. Anxiety, guilt, self-incrimination (I do little or something wrong, since he continues to behave incorrectly)

4. Decrease in self-esteem

5. Isolation from friends and acquaintances

6. Constant monitoring of the addict

7. "Sawing", accusations, manipulations ("I will kill myself if you continue ...", "you ruined my whole life")

8. Anger and confusion (after “everything is done right”, the behavior is changed, conditions are created, everything is bought, everything is sold, specialists, psychics and sorcerers are involved, he still does not behave correctly)

9. Understanding that truly can not control the life around him and obeys the whims of the dependent.

10. Constant mood swings are no longer dependent on the behavior of the addicted.

11. Deprivation of responsibility from an addict (it’s not his fault that he drinks, injects, plays)

12. The emergence of "family secrets" (no one should say outside the family that something is happening)

13. The emergence of addiction (the wives of alcoholics can start drinking themselves, some of the considerations “so that he gets less” or “so that he doesn’t leave home”; frequent development of dependence on food)

Late stage.

1. Constantly reduced mood.

2. Developed dependence.

3. A feeling of emptiness and indifference.

4. Hopelessness

5. The appearance of stress-dependent diseases (hypertension, gastric ulcer, etc.)

6. Strengthening control attempts up to violence (all sorts of psychotropic can be added to vodka, invite bandits "to teach a lesson")

Here by these parameters, those who evaluate themselves as co-dependent can estimate the degree of development of the disorder in themselves.

Co-dependent - one who allowed the behavior of another person to influence his own. The co-dependent is obsessed with controlling the behavior of the addicted (e.g., alcohol) person.

Co-dependent behavior - This is a type of adaptation, the purpose of which is to satisfy one’s needs through caring for someone who for some reason is not able to take care of himself. As the role of the savior progresses, the co-dependent forgets about his own needs and problems. As a result, even if there is a physical break with the dependent person, the co-dependent transfer the virus of their “disease” to future relationships.

The behavior of co-addicts is manifested in too strong custody, taking full responsibility for the financial and emotional well-being of another person, in lying and hiding from the surrounding negative consequences of the addict’s behavior, in order to continue to remain in a relationship with him. In the long run, rescuers become fully responsible for their partners, and their own mental and physical health disintegrates. It is also believed that “helpers” have serious problems with self-control.

You are dependent if:

Feel yourself depending on people, you have the feeling of being trapped in a humiliating and controlling relationship;
See the meaning of your life in relations with your partner, focus all your attention on what he does.
Use relationships as some people use alcohol or drugs, while becoming dependent on another person and think that you can’t exist and act independently of him.
If you tend to perceive other people's problems as your own, which means that you are not able to define your psychological boundaries. You do not know where your borders end and where the borders of other people begin.
You have low self-esteem, and therefore there is an obsessive need for constant approval and support from others in order to feel that everything is going well;
Always try to make a good impression on others. If you often try to please other people, not trusting your own views, perceptions, feelings or beliefs.
Listen to the opinions of others and do not defend your own views and opinions.
Trying to become necessary for other people. If you are ready to “hurt yourself” in order to do what, in your opinion, only you can do for other people, although in reality other people can do it for themselves perfectly.
You play the role of a martyr. Suffer, however, do it nobly. You are ready to put up with unbearable situations for you, because you think that your duty is to do just that.
We are sure that you can control other people and are constantly trying to do this, without admitting to yourself that this never really goes one hundred percent.
If you do not understand what is happening with your feelings, or do not trust them, and show them only when you think you can afford it.
If you are gullible and often in life find yourself in a situation where other people lie to you or do not live up to your expectations.

Codependency test

Read the statements below carefully and put a number in front of each item that reflects your perception of the statement. The answers to the proposed judgments should not be considered for a long time. Choose the answer that best suits your opinion.

Test questions:

It’s hard for me to make decisions.
It's hard for me to say no.
I find it difficult to accept compliments as something deserved.
Sometimes I almost miss if there are no problems to focus on.
I usually do not do for others what they themselves can do.
If I do something nice for myself, I feel guilty.
I don’t worry too much.
I tell myself that everything will be better for me when the people around me change, stop doing what they are doing now.
It seems that in my relationship I always do everything for others, and they rarely do anything for me.
Sometimes I focus on another person to such an extent that I forget other relationships and what I should be responsible for.
It seems like I often get involved in relationships that hurt me.
I hide my true feelings from others.
When someone offends me, I carry it in myself for a long time, and then one day I can explode.
To avoid conflicts, I can go as far as I like.
I often have fear or a feeling of imminent disaster.
I often put the needs of others above my own.

To get the total points, turn over the points for points 5 and 7 (for example, if there was 1 point, replace it with 6 points, 2 with 5 points, 3 with 4 points, 6 with 1 point, 5 with 2 points , 4 - by 3 points) and then summarize.

Amount of points:

16-32 - the norm,

33-60 - moderately expressed co-dependence,

61-96 - pronounced co-dependence.

If a person prone to co-dependence is in close relationship with a dependent person, be it alcoholism, drug addiction, gambling addiction, etc., then co-dependence becomes a disease. Without treatment, co-dependence progresses over time and makes it impossible for a person to build normal relationships with other people. Even if a co-dependent person manages to break off such a relationship, then he is either forced to live alone, or, as a rule, builds a new relationship with the dependent again.

Independent exit from co-dependence.

Refusal of complicity depending is very difficult. To relatives of dependent people it sometimes seems that they are required to abandon a loved one. In fact, it is understood that need to get back to yourself . Important consider (just consider) feelings of a loved one in their actions and to support himbut at the same time it is necessary to clearly distinguish between areas of responsibility (not to do for him what he can do himself, not to think for him, not to wish for him). Do not let others use your feelings and your love.

Co-dependent people also need the help of a psychologist. It is difficult to realize and accept the fact that you need to start helping yourself. But the only way to learn how to build a warm and close relationship without compromising one's own interests.

Is an independent exit from co-dependent relations possible (opinion of psychotherapist Anastasia Fokina):

These questions are asked to me so often, and I answer them so often with comments on different posts, which does not help at all, as they continue to ask questions. It’s really difficult to read the whole cloud of comments, I often forget where I answered such questions to give a link. So I finally decided to take an entire post to answer it.

Here are the questions:

If it’s impossible to get out on your own (from co-dependent relationships (my comment)), then how can it be?
With the help of a therapist?
And if there is only one partner in therapy, is there a chance? Because you won’t drag the second one there for nothing.
I would like to hope that changes in one will lead to a change in the dynamics of relations. What do you think about this?

So here is what I think about this:
Dependence, the formation of which leads to an early traumatic situation in the primary relationship, is practically not processed by the psyche itself without the support of a therapist, and sometimes not just one. The fact is that the “occurrence” of the sources of difficulties that an adult already encounters is often so deep that even their simple understanding, that is, the conclusion to consciousness, can be very difficult. Moreover, you have to realize a lot a lot.

What is your real relationship with your parents, what were they really like?
Did your parents love you and what kind of love was that?
Were your parents good or bad? What were they really like?
Are people, in principle, only bad or only good?
Did what happened to you in the past depend on you? And now?
What can you really change and what can’t? What are the limits of your possibilities? Your responsibility?
Which one are you really? What is your contribution to your life difficulties? And many, many others.

And here it is clear that just their awareness will not lead to an improvement in the situation in life, you will have to rethink, survive, process and learn a lot to make life better. Therefore, I do not think alone that with such deep things you need to go to a specialist and get ready to devote a lot of time to this. Those mental defenses that people with early trauma possess are very difficult not only for independent work, but also for working in therapy with a therapist.
In addition, you will need someone who can now be counted on, with whom you can restore lost trust. From whom it will be possible to learn something, including the fact that all people in one way or another are dependent on each other, need something from others, and to receive is not a sign of weakness, and also to receive the implementation of those functions which your personality was not enough for development once.
Of course, I do not want to say that you cannot do anything on your own. This is far from the case. Often people send me letters saying that reading my diary in solving their problems helped them a lot. Did the diary really help? Perhaps he gave only some direction, some understanding, some view from the side that a person needed. The work, of course, was done by the man himself. Sometimes the work is very large. But this suggests that he had formed those functions that may not be available to another, and his work alone would not be so successful.

In addition, co-dependence is the difficulty of being with someone, the difficulty of creating and maintaining relationships, the inability to receive satisfaction from relationships in connection with a broken trust. Injury often creates an impenetrable cocoon of protection around any base of a person’s personality against any encroachment on the love of others. It is unrealistic to cope with serious forms of such protection on your own. To restore trust in others alone is also an overwhelming thing, on the contrary, it is only the strengthening of the bastions of defense, the strengthening of the idea on which the life of the rejected child is often based. Namely: "I have to cope with everything alone." Sometimes this statement needs to be changed, and it can only be changed with the experience of trust.

Sometimes, in not such difficult cases, a person can do a lot for himself with the help of reflection, nurturing awareness, bodily practices, creativity.
I’m just saying that the processing of early trauma involves a very deep immersion in oneself, in which case a person needs a relationship with another and as a missing resource, with and as insurance and a guarantee that it will be possible to return from there and this journey will not become so dangerous to be afraid to commit it.

Will the relationship as a whole help move towards the recovery of one of the partners? Because how to “drag” another into therapy ahead of yourself (and others generally see the root of all troubles in another), try to save the partner in every way, “explain” to him, “let him understand” and so on - this is just “it”, obvious sign of your co-dependence.

Sometimes your recovery leads to the fact that the relationship is really changing, but not always for the better. If your partner is interested in your dependence on him or in your deep dependence on you, then your refusal to always serve him as a “donor”, \u200b\u200bto be a half, to complement him, to do something for him that he does not want to learn for himself, can greatly upset, and he can break off relations, go look for a new "donor" rescuer. It may turn out that relationships in which there is no development will bother the first one, and then you will break them off by going to look for another, healthier and more inclined towards the relationship person.

Another scenario may occur: your partner, seeing an improvement in the quality of your life, may begin to envy and will feel his interest in such an improvement. In this case, later, he himself can find a therapist.
In some cases, indeed, if the partner was more stable than you, the relationship can "straighten out" and only thanks to your efforts in working on yourself. In such cases, you will begin to turn to your partner with different strongholds than before, and you can also find him somewhat different than before you saw him.

Your relationship may still remain co-dependent, but you may find it more satisfying. Therefore, not everyone and not everyone may need therapy. And not everyone even considers it something useful for themselves.
You can remain traumatized, but your life can be good enough for you without therapy, which means that you have enough compensation.
THERAPY DOES NOT NEED ALL CONTRACTS TO PEOPLE WITH SIMILAR PROBLEMS, RELATIONSHIP OF INTERDEPENDENCE - THIS IS THE NORM OF TODAY, AND NOT EVERYONE WANTS TO CHANGE IT. THIS (that someone doesn’t want to change anything globally) IS NOT A PROBLEM, IT IS FULLY ABLE TO LIVE.

In order to decide on therapy, a strong motivation is needed to really do something for yourself, create, change, or vice versa accept what is available, which will also change something in the end.
If a person says: now, I want therapy so much, but I just don’t have enough time, money, a good therapist, the strength to emphasize what is needed, this means that it is probably worth taking a honest look at my opposite desire. You are not there, you do not have it. This means that now you want another. It is important to make and respect your decisions, whatever they may be.

The secret to overcoming co-dependence (opinion of Mark Ifraimov)

Before you read this secret, I ask you to remember: reading decrypted secrets will never replace practice, actions, in other words, body movements. Without practice, nothing will happen. Use my gift. And if you are a constellator, my method will very quickly allow your client to achieve the result for which he addresses you.

Co-dependence is a form of symbiosis

Co-dependence comes from symbiosis.

The child and mother are initially a single, integral being. Just like the heart or liver are an integral part of the body.

The child eats with his mother, breathes with her, lives with her. He is connected with her umbilical cord. The umbilical cord is for him a way of transferring life from mother to him.

We are so used to this fact that we do not notice obvious things. Obviously, for 9 months of life through the umbilical cord, we get used to being part of the mother, part of her joys and sorrows.

For the sake of our greater part, we, as a small part, as the creation of our mother, are ready for any sacrifice. For her sake, we will suffer, save, blame all our lives. Until she becomes happy.

Or until we understand that we made all these children's decisions as a creature in the stage of symbiosis, depending on the umbilical cord on the one who gave life, gave food and the ability to breathe.

I want you to understand my words correctly: each of us loves his mother so much, because he is a part of her, but does not realize that most of our decisions, which make me suffer and not achieve my desires, were made during a symbiosis with my mother , which itself has not yet had time to fulfill its potential as an integral personality.

When we cannot create the life we \u200b\u200bare dreaming of, we are interdependent. We immerse ourselves in the role of the victim, the prosecutor or the savior, in order to make this role happier for the mother and for whom she suffers.

Mom can suffer because of our father, because of her father, because of her mother, because of someone. It doesn't matter who she suffers from. It is important to understand that her suffering makes us limited in our ability to create, not free, dependent on her happiness and mood.

We need a way out of co-dependence with her, from dependence on her condition.

The umbilical cord - the magic key to the gates of freedom

The umbilical cord cut at the moment of birth does not make us free. We are so helpless, weak and unconscious that immediately cutting the umbilical cord only worsens our situation.

By delaying the clamping of the umbilical cord, you reduce the risk of iron deficiency anemia in a child. More and more evidence suggests that early clamping of the umbilical cord is not the best practice and can lead to health problems. Around the world, about a quarter of all preschool children suffer from iron deficiency anemia, which can negatively affect the development of the brain in the child and his nervous system.

Another information to think about:

In the museum of Altai culture, you can find strange ethnic bags that women were tied to their belts and stored their children's umbilical cords. They knitted bags in pregnancy. Then the umbilical cord was dried, and not already removed from the belt. As soon as the child got sick, they chopped small particles into a hot drink, gave them a drink, and the child recovered.

Scientists undertook to study the dried umbilical cord and found that the immune components contained in the umbilical cord are unique and ideal for the child who owns the umbilical cord.

The umbilical cord is the bridge between the child and mother, which returns the child health, vitality and independence, no matter how strange it may sound.

What to do for those who feel insecure, depressed, not able to go to their goals, unworthy to be near a cool, status partner in life, dependent on other people's opinions?

Answer: use a conditional umbilical cord to return to a state of symbiosis with mom and, consciously connecting with her, get the opportunity to become a mature, independent person.

Synchronous breathing

First, what is a conditional umbilical cord?

The umbilical cord is a connection with mom, synchronization with her. As my mother breathed, so you breathed through the umbilical cord, being in her stomach. What she ate, the more you ate.

Nothing basically changed. Now you have the same habits that your mother instilled in you since childhood.

But if you now consciously return to symbiosis with your mother, then having completed your gestalt with her, having satisfied your unmet needs, you can get out of co-dependence.

To do this, you use an analogue of the umbilical cord - synchronized breathing.

Synchronized breathing is breathing where inhalation and exhalation are performed synchronously, without pause. Inhalation is carried out consciously, with the use of effort, and as you exhale, you simply let go of the body and it exhales without effort.

Try to inhale right now through your mouth or nose, and then let go of your body and exhale (just as you inhaled: if you inhaled through your mouth, then exhale through your mouth, if you inhaled through your nose, then exhale through your nose). And try to breathe like that for 10 seconds. Did it work? You see, everything is simple.

Secondly, what does it mean to use a conditional umbilical cord to return to a state of symbiosis with mom?

This means using synchronized breathing in order to breathe together with mom your state of unity with her.

Does mom need presence at this moment? No, the presence of your real mom is not necessary. But you need to replace her and replace her with her.

The technique of overcoming co-dependence

I think that you are now ready for a complete technique for overcoming co-dependence.

Ask a person close to you, preferably a female, for example, a girlfriend, to become your mom for 20 minutes.

As in the usual arrangement, designate her as your mom. Put your hands on her shoulders from behind and tell her: “Now you are not you (not Masha, for example), now you are my mother.”

Stand facing her, cuddle with her and begin to breathe with her synchronously, adjusting to her pace and rhythm of breathing. When you fully enter synchronized breathing, remember everything that bothered you in your relationship with her and breathe in your feelings and thoughts.

The word “breathe” literally means: breathe the moment you think or feel something. Just breathe in sync.

Breathe until you pass from pain and heaviness to lightness and release from the load. Your subconscious mind knows what it is to breathe in your feelings and thoughts. Your body will free itself from discomfort.

When you feel light, you can stop synchronized breathing with the deputy and remove the role of your mother from him, saying: “Now you are not my mother. Now you are you (Masha, for example). ”

Thank the substitute.

Me and Not Me. What is the trick?

Why does this technique deduce from co-dependence?

Any psychologist can explain the mechanism of human projection to you.

Projection is a tendency to make the environment responsible for what comes from the person himself (F. Perls).

In other words, a projection is a transfer of one’s attitude to one of one’s early childhood experience into one’s current environment.

And even easier, how do you feel about your mother, so you relate to all women. How do you feel about your father, so you relate to all men.

When you cut the umbilical cord, you slowly forgot that you and your mother were once one, you began to consider yourself “I”, and her “Not Me”.

In the world of individual objects, it seems to us that the way it is: mom and I are different.

But the unmet needs that existed at the time of clamping the umbilical cord still make you look for a way to make your parent happy. The main unmet need at that time was and remains - this is the need for unity.

Your unity with your mother was broken at a time when you were not ready for this. Violation of this need could cause you to protest and lead you to another need - the need for censure. You can read more about this with Stephen Wolinsky in the book “Love Relationships”.

The illusion that I and Not Me is what makes people suffer, protest, be revolutionaries, go to war, fight against someone, condemn and kill. All these are forms of co-dependence.

And it all starts at one point in life: observing that mom is unhappy.

When you merge through synchronized breathing into one being with the one you have denied, the illusion of separation disappears, and at the level of sensations you understand that you can accept another person.

YOU AND HE ARE EQUAL. Equivalent.

This equality is the way out of co-dependence. And you no longer need to feel like an insignificant, unworthy person next to someone who is very dear to you. You are no longer a victim, not a prosecutor, not a savior. You do not need burning huts and galloping horses to prove your love.

From now on, you can simply enjoy yourself, being in unity with the world and life. Because mom is the world and life.

And you can do the same technique with your father. After all, the father, as Hellinger said, is the keys to the world. Father is your strength, respect for you, and therefore material well-being, money.

I want you to understand well how your personal stability and prosperity is achieved in all areas of life. Just connect with your roots, mom and dad, stop separating them from yourself at a time when you yourself have not yet taken place as a person, and all their strength will come to you and fill you with love, which other people will want to attract to you. As members of your family. Or like your customers.

The secret to overcoming co-dependency in this association. As an equal with an equal.

Synchronized breathing is a tool to exit co-dependence. Believe me, until you include the body in this process, and will only think this concept through your mind, nothing will change.

You will all also be looking for a soul mate (see the article Finding a soul mate? You still have co-dependency!), The true purpose of which will be to find a resource for your own safety in the person of that soul mate. So that this half will do for you what your parents, mom or dad should do: ensure survival, satisfy needs, give pleasure.

And the half all the time will try to avoid fulfilling the parental functions assigned to it. As a result, he / she will either run away or sabotage sex with you, because parents with children do not sleep. And you will have no choice but to be disappointed in your soul mate or in yourself and start looking for a new one.

But when you complete your gestalt with your parents and are psychologically born, having realized and satisfied all your needs in relations with mom and dad, you yourself will become that Source of satisfying the needs of other people, to which both “halves” and mature personalities will be drawn.

There you can already consciously choose your life partner, your conscious love. With this person, you will become not 0.5 + 0.5 \u003d 1, but 1 + 1 \u003d 3.

Why three? Because synergy will work. That is, your joint work will create in the world something more than just a union of the two. You can create world values. What will remain for posterity after your life. This is what everyone wants. What makes you inspired and inspire others.