Love: how to understand your feelings? Quotes about love Freud.
Freud's attitude toward women; love
It is not surprising to find that Freud’s dependence on his mother also manifested itself in his relationship with his wife. Most striking is the contrast between Freud's behavior before and after marriage. In those years when they were only engaged, Freud showed ardor, passion and extreme jealousy. This is shown in a quote from a letter to Martha on June 2, 1884: “Woe to you, my princess, when I come. I will kiss you until you blush and feed you until you get fat. And if you show obstinacy, you will see which of us is stronger: a tender little girl who doesn’t eat enough, or a big furious man with cocaine in his body ”(quoted in.).
A joking reference to the one who is stronger is very serious. While they were engaged, Freud was haunted by a longing for complete control of Martha; this desire, of course, was accompanied by intense jealousy for anyone who, except himself, could arouse Marta's interest and sympathy. Martha, for example, previously showed a penchant for her cousin, Max Meyer. "The time came when Martha was forbidden to call him Max, only Herr Meyer." In relation to another young man in love with Martha, Freud wrote: “When the memory of your letter to Fritz and the day we spent in the Kalenberg mountains comes back to me, I lose all control of myself and be in my power to destroy the whole world, including us, in order to allow him to start all over again, despite the risk that neither Martha nor I would be created, I would do so without hesitation. "
However, Freud's jealous feelings were not at all limited to other young people; they extended equally to Martha’s affection for her family members. Freud demanded from Martha, “that she would not only be able to objectively criticize her mother and brother and reject their“ stupid prejudices ”- all this she did - but also refuse them all sympathy on the grounds that they are his enemies, and she should share his hatred for them. ”
The same spirit is seen in Freud’s reaction to Martha Eli’s brother. Marta entrusted him with the money she had, which she and the groom wanted to use to purchase furniture for her apartment. Apparently, Ali invested money in the case and did not really want to return the full amount immediately; He suggested that they buy furniture by installments. In response, Freud presented Marta with an ultimatum, the first paragraph of which was the requirement that she write to her brother an angry letter and call him "villain." Even after Eli paid all the money, Freud demanded that "she did not write to him [Freud] again until she promised to break off all relations with Eli."
This belief in a man’s natural right to control his wife’s life was part of Freud’s conviction of man’s superiority. A typical example of this attitude is his criticism of John Stuart Mill. Freud extols Mill for the fact that he “perhaps better than all his contemporaries managed to free himself from the power of generally accepted prejudices. On the other hand, he was in many ways deprived of a sense of the absurd. ” What was so absurd in Mill's ideas? According to Freud, it was his view of "female emancipation ... and generally the female issue." Regarding the fact that Mill considered it possible for a married woman to earn as much as her husband, Freud says:
“In general, this position of Mill simply cannot be called humane. In fact, the idea of \u200b\u200bsending women to fight for existence, as men do, stillborn. If, for example, I had imagined my tender sweet girl as a rival, it would only have led me to tell her, as I had done seventeen months ago, that I love her and beg to give up the fight in favor of a calm, devoid of competition activities in my house. I believe that all reforms in the field of legislation and education will be destroyed by the fact that nature determined the fate of women - to become beautiful, charming and sweet long before the age when a man can earn a position in society. Law and custom should give women much that they were deprived of, but the position of a woman will probably remain the same as it is now: in adolescence to be a beloved beloved, in adulthood - a beloved wife ”(quoted in).
Freud's views on the emancipation of women, no doubt, did not differ from the views held by the average European in the 80s of the XIX century. Freud was not an average person: he rebelled against some of the most deeply rooted prejudices of his time, but on the women's issue he adhered to the traditional line and called Mill “absurd” and “inhumane” for views that had become generally accepted only fifty years later. Such an attitude clearly shows how strong and insurmountable Freud's need was to put women in a subordinate position. The fact that his theoretical views reflected just such an attitude is obvious. Seeing a woman as a castrated man, denying her own true sexuality, attributing her envy to a man, a poorly developed Superego, considering a woman conceited and unreliable - all this is just a slightly rationalized version of the patriarchal prejudices of his time. A person like Freud, able to see deeper than the surface and criticize traditional biases, had to be driven by powerful internal forces so as not to notice the rationalizing nature of these supposedly scientific statements.
Freud also held the same views fifty years later. When he criticized American culture for its “matriarchal” nature, his guest and follower, Dr. Worthis, objected: “But don’t you think it would be best if both partners were equal?” To this, Freud replied: “It’s practically impossible . There must be inequality, and the rule of men is the lesser of two evils. ”
Although Freud’s engagement years were full of fiery courtship and jealous persuasion, his life in marriage seems largely devoid of active love and passion. As with many traditional marriages, the conquest was exciting, but as soon as it happened, the source of passion was exhausted. In courtship male pride is involved; after the wedding, there is no particular reason for her. In a marriage of this type, the wife must fulfill a single function - the function of the mother. She must be unconditionally devoted to her husband, take care of his material well-being, always obey his needs and desires, always remain nothing for herself unwilling and helpful - to be, in other words, a mother. Freud was passionately in love before getting married - he needed to prove his masculinity by conquering the girl he chose. As soon as the conquest was sealed by the seal of marriage, the “adored beloved” turned into a loving mother, whose care and devotion could be relied on without showing active, passionate love for her.
How much consumer and erotic was Freud's love for his wife, many expressive details clearly show. The greatest impression in this regard is made by Freud's letters to Fliess. Freud almost never mentions his wife, except in a completely everyday context. Considering the fact that he describes in detail his ideas, his patients, his professional achievements and disappointments, this in itself is very indicative, but more importantly, Freud, being depressed, often describes the emptiness of his life, which turns out to be it is complete only when success in work accompanies it. He never mentions his relationship with his wife as a source of happiness. The same picture is seen in how Freud spent time at home or on vacation. On weekdays, Freud received patients from eight to one, then dined, walked alone, worked in his waiting room from three to nine or ten, then went for a walk with his wife, daughter-in-law or daughter, and finally, until 1 in the morning he worked on correspondence and writing articles unless there was an appointment that night. At lunch, as a rule, family members did not communicate with each other very much. A good example of this is Freud’s habit of “bringing his last antique acquisition, usually a small figurine, and putting it on the dining table in front of him as an interlocutor. Then the figurine returned to his desk, but was brought in for dinner another day or two. ” On Sundays in the morning, Freud visited his mother, met analyst colleagues in the afternoon, invited his mother and sisters to dinner, and then worked on his manuscripts. His wife usually received friends in the afternoon, and Freud’s interest in his wife is eloquently echoed by the fact that Jones reported that if among her visitors were “someone whom Freud was interested, he appeared in the living room for several minutes ”[ibid. - Italics mine. - E.F.].
Freud devoted much time to summer travel. The vacation period was a great opportunity to compensate for the hard continuous work for the rest of the year. Freud loved to travel, but he did not like to do it alone. However, the vacation time was used only partly to make up for the few hours that he spent with his wife at home. As already mentioned, he traveled abroad with his psychoanalyst friends or with his wife's sister - but not with his wife. There are several explanations for this fact, one by Freud himself and the other by Jones. The latter writes: “His wife, who had other concerns, rarely found herself free enough to travel; she could not equal Freud in the quest for a change of place and in the devouring passion for sightseeing. However, almost every day during his wanderings, Freud sent her a postcard or a telegram and once a few days a long letter. ” Again, I want to note how traditionally and non-analytically Jones thinks when it comes to his beloved hero. Anyone who enjoys his wife’s company on vacation would simply temper his passion for sightseeing to make her participation possible. The rationalization of these explanations is made even clearer due to the fact that Freud gives another reason that he did not travel with his wife. In a letter from Palermo, where he was with Ferenczi, he wrote to his wife on September 15, 1910: “I am terribly sorry that I cannot show you all the local beauties. To be able to enjoy this in the company of seven or nine or even three, I should not be a psychiatrist and not the founder of a supposedly new direction in psychology, but an entrepreneur who produces something useful like toilet paper, matches or shoe laces. It’s too late to learn this now, so I’ll have to enjoy the journey selfishly, but with a constant feeling of remorse ”(quoted in).
There is no need to say that Freud here resorts to typical rationalization - almost the same as other husbands who get more pleasure from a vacation in a men's company. Here the most remarkable thing is, again, Freud’s blindness, despite all his introspection, regarding the problem of his own marriage, and how he rationalizes it without the slightest awareness of this fact. He speaks of seven or nine or at least three family members whom he would like to take with him when it comes to taking his wife with him - that is, of two; he even takes the pose of a poor, but significant scientist, rather than a rich manufacturer of toilet paper - all just to explain why he did not want to take his wife abroad.
Perhaps the clearest expression of Freud’s dubious nature of love is contained in The Interpretation of Dreams. Here is his dream: “I wrote a monograph about one plant. The book lies in front of me, and at this moment I unfold a folded color illustration. A dried plant is enclosed in each copy of the book, as if taken from a herbarium. ” Of Freud’s associations, I’ll mention the following: “On the eve of the morning, I saw in the window of a bookstore a new book called The Genus of Cyclamen, no doubt monograph about this plant. Cyclamens, I thought favorite flowers of my wife, and I rebuked myself for so rarely remembering that to bring her the flowersthat she really likes. "
Another chain of associations leads Freud from a flower to a completely different topic: to his ambitions. “Once, I remembered, I really wrote something like plant monographsnamely, a dissertation on a coca plant (1884), which attracted the attention of Karl Koller to the analgesic properties of cocaine. " Freud then ponders a compilation released in honor of Koller, whom he met one of the editors the day before. The association with cocaine reflects Freud's ambitions. He regrets having left the study of the coca problem and thereby lost the chance to make a great discovery. This is also mentioned elsewhere in connection with the fact that he had to leave pure research work in order to marry.
The meaning of the dream is perfectly clear (although Freud does not see this in his own interpretation). Central place dried plantexpressing Freud’s inner conflict. A flower is a symbol of love and joy, especially if this flower is his wife's favorite flower, and he often forgets to bring it to her. However, his scientific interests and ambitions are symbolized by the coca plant. What does Freud do with flowers, with love? He dries them and places them in the herbarium. In other words, it allows love to dry and makes it the subject of scientific study. This is exactly what Freud did. He made love an object of science, but in his life it remained dry and sterile. Scientific intellectual interests were stronger than his Eros; they strangled him and at the same time became a substitute for the experience of love.
The impoverishment of love expressed in this dream also clearly shows Freud's erotic and sexual desires and possibilities. Paradoxical as it may seem, Freud had a relatively weak interest in women and was a little sexually motivated. Undoubtedly, according to Jones, “his wife was by far the only woman in Freud’s life” and “she always came first in comparison with other mortals.” However, Jones also points out that “perhaps the passionate side of life faded for him earlier than for many other men” [ibid.]. The validity of this statement is confirmed by several facts. At the age of forty-one, Freud wrote to Fliess, complaining of a depressed mood and adding: "Sexual arousal is also useless for a person like me." It is clear that at this age his sex life more or less ended. Another case indicates the same fact. Freud writes in The Interpretation of Dreams that once, when he was a little over forty, he felt a physical attraction to a young woman and almost involuntarily touched her slightly. He notes that he was surprised that the possibility of such a feeling “still” exists. At the age of forty-six, he wrote to Binswanger: “Today, of course, the old man’s libido is expressed only in a waste of money.” Even at this age, only a person whose intensity of sexual life is low would take for granted that his libido has lost its sexual orientation.
If I allow myself some speculation, I would be inclined to suggest that some of Freud's theories are also evidence of his reduced sexuality. He repeatedly emphasized that sexual intercourse can give only limited satisfaction to a civilized person, “that the sexual life of a civilized person is seriously limited”, that “perhaps the assumption of a significant reduction in the importance of sexuality as a source of pleasant sensations, that is, a way to achieve the goal of life” . Freud explains this fact by hypothesizing that full satisfaction is possible only if pregenital, olfactory and other “perverted” motives are not suppressed, and even expresses the idea that “not only the pressure of culture, but something in the nature of the sexual function itself denies full satisfaction and encourages us to turn in another direction. "
Moreover, Freud believed that after “three, four, or five years, the marriage ceases to deliver the sexual satisfaction promised earlier, since all available contraceptives interfere with sexual pleasure, insult the subtle feelings of both participants, and even turn out to be the direct cause of the disease.”
Looking at Freud's remarks about his sex life, it can be assumed that his views on sex were a rationalization of his own reduced sexuality. Undoubtedly, there were many men of his social status, age, and culture, who at the age of about forty did not feel that the period of happiness derived from sexual relations was over for them, and who did not share his view that after several years of marriage, sexual well-being ceased to exist, even considering the need for contraceptives.
Taking a step further, we can also assume that another Freudian theory had a rationalization function: namely, that civilization and culture are the result of suppression of instincts. The essence of this theory is this: since I am passionate about thinking and searching for truth, I inevitably have little interest in sex. Here Freud, as often in other cases, summarizes his own personal experience. He suffered a decline in sexuality for other reasons, but not at all because he was so keen on creative thinking. Freud's sexual inhibition can be seen as in conflict with the fact that in his theories he assigned a central place to sexual impulses. However, this contradiction is more likely visible than real. Many thinkers write about what they are deprived of and what they would like to find for themselves or for others. Moreover, Freud, a man of Puritan views, would hardly have been able to write so frankly about sex if he had not been so sure of his own virtue in this regard.
Freud’s lack of emotional intimacy with a woman is also reflected in how little he understood women. His theories about them are naive rationalizations of male prejudice, especially regarding a man’s need to dominate a woman in order to hide his fear of her. However, one should not conclude that Freud did not understand women only on the basis of his theories. Once he expressed it with surprising frankness: “A great question that has never been answered and that I could not answer, despite thirty years of studying the female soul: what does a woman want? "(Letter to M. Bonaparte, op. Cit.).
However, speaking of Freud’s ability to love, we should not limit ourselves to the problem of erotic love. Freud did not particularly like people in general when there was no erotic element. His attitude towards his wife, after the first heat of conquest faded away, was undoubtedly the attitude of a faithful but rather detached husband. His attitude towards male friends — Breuer, Fliess, Jung, and loyal followers — was also distant. Despite the apologetic descriptions of Jones and Sachs, on the basis of letters to Fliess, a reaction to Jung's behavior, and eventually Ferenczi, one has to admit that Freud was not given to experience strong love. His own theoretical views only confirm this. Speaking about the possibility of brotherly love, he wrote:
“We can find the key in one of the so-called ideal standards of a civilized society:“ Love your neighbor as yourself. ” It is universally recognized and undoubtedly older than Christianity, which proudly presents it as its commandment, but still not very ancient: in historical times, a person did not know anything about him. We will treat him naively, as if meeting him for the first time. In this case, it turns out that we will not be able to suppress feelings of surprise to them as something unnatural. Why on earth should we do this? What good will it give us? And most importantly, how can you accomplish something like this? How is this even possible? My love seems to me a value that I have no right to scatter without thinking. She imposes obligations on me, and I must be ready to make sacrifices in order to fulfill them. If I love someone, that someone should somehow deserve my love. (I leave aside the question of what benefits it can bring to me, as well as its possible value for me as an object of sexual interest: none of these two types of relationships is considered when it comes to love for one's neighbor.) He will be worthy love, if he is so similar to me in important aspects that I can love myself in him; worthy if he is so perfect than me that I can love my ideal in him; I have to love him if he is my friend’s son, because the pain that my friend will experience, if something happens to him, will be my pain too - I will have to share it. However, if he is not familiar to me and cannot attract with any of his dignity or any value that he has already acquired in my emotional life, it will be difficult for me to love him. I will even do wrong if I fall in love with him, because my love is regarded as a value by those close to me; it would be unfair to them if I put the stranger on a par with them. But if I have to love him (by that very universal love) simply because he is also a resident of the world, like an insect, earthworm or already, then I’m afraid he will get only a small amount of love and it will be impossible for me to give him as much love according to all the laws of the mind, I have to keep to myself. What is the meaning of such a solemnly proclaimed prescription if reason does not advise us to follow it? ”
Freud, the greatest herald of sex, was nevertheless a typical puritan. For him, the goal of the life of a civilized person was to suppress emotional and sexual impulses, and at the cost of this achievement of civilization. Only an uncivilized crowd is not capable of such a sacrifice. The intellectual elite includes those who, unlike the crowd, are able to resist the impulses and thereby sublimate them for higher goals. Civilization as a whole is the result of such dissatisfaction with instinctual impulses.
It is noteworthy how much the ideas expressed by Freud in his later theories were already characteristic of him in his youth, when he had not yet dealt with the problems of history and sublimation. In a letter to the bride dated August 29, 1883, he sets out the thoughts that arose during his performance of Carmen. “The crowd,” he writes, “indulges in its impulses, and we restrain ourselves. We do this in order to maintain our integrity. We sacrifice health, the ability to enjoy, on our own; we save them for something, without knowing why. And this habit of constantly suppressing natural instincts gives us sophistication. We also feel more deeply and therefore we dare not to demand much from ourselves. Why don't we get drunk? Because the troubles and shame of a hangover exceed the pleasure of drinking a lot. Why aren't we friends with everyone around? Because the loss of a friend or the misfortune that happened to him would be bitter for us. Thus, our aspirations are more dependent on the desire to avoid pain than to enjoy. When such an effort is successful, those who restrain themselves are like us, who have tied themselves to life and death, who suffer hardships and yearn to keep the engagement, and who probably would not have survived the blow that deprived us of our beloved being : people like Ezra can only love once. Our whole life structure suggests that we will be protected from total poverty, that the path to liberation from the evils of our social structure is always open for us. The poor and uneducated could not exist without their thick-skinnedness and carelessness. Why on earth should they feel deeply if all the misfortunes of nature and society fall to those whom they love; why should they give up fleeting pleasure when no other expects them? The poor are too powerless, too helpless to behave like us. When I see people having fun, casting aside all seriousness, it makes me think that this is compensation for the fact that they are so defenseless against taxes, epidemics, diseases, the terrible conditions of our social organization. I will not develop this idea further, but it can be shown that das Volk [the people] judges, believes, hopes not at all like us. The psychology of the average man is somewhat different from ours. Such people are also more endowed with a sense of community than we are: only they realize that one life continues in another, while for each of us the world disappears with our death ”(quoted in).
This letter of young Freud - he was then 27 years old - is interesting in many ways. As if anticipating his later theories, Freud expresses in him his Puritan-aristocratic orientation, which we just discussed: limiting, saving his ability to enjoy is a condition of sublimation, the basis on which the elite is formed. However, in addition, Freud demonstrates here a view that should become the foundation of one of his most important theories, which was to be developed many years later. He describes his fear of an emotional wound. We do not love everyone we meet, because separation would be very painful; we are not friends with everyone around us, because the loss of a friend would cause us grief. Life is oriented towards avoiding sadness and pain, rather than getting joy, as Freud himself clearly says: "Thus, our aspirations are more dependent on the desire to avoid pain than to have fun." Here we find the wording of what Freud later called the principle of pleasure; the idea that pleasure is in fact a liberation from displeasure, from painful tension, and not positive pleasure, in subsequent years has become valid for Freud as the most general and fundamental principle of human motivation. However, one can see that Freud had the same idea long before its theoretical formulation; it arose as a result of his own Victorian views, fear of loss of property (in this case, the object of love and feelings of love) - in a certain sense, the loss of life. This position was characteristic of the middle class in the 19th century, more concerned with “having” than with “being”. Freud’s psychology is penetrated through this orientation of “having,” and therefore his deepest fear is always the fear of losing something that he “has,” whether it is an object of love, feeling, or genital organ. (In this respect, Freud did not share the protest against the possessive aspirations of the middle class, which can be found, for example, in Goethe's philosophy.)
One more thought from this letter should be emphasized. Freud says that ordinary people have a greater sense of community than "we": "Only they realize that one life continues in another, while for each of us the world disappears with our death." Freud's observation, according to which the bourgeoisie has a lesser sense of solidarity than the working class, is perfectly true, but we should not forget that there were many people in the middle and upper classes - socialists, anarchists and true believers - who had a deep sense of human solidarity. Freud was practically devoid of this. He was occupied him personality him a family, him ideas like this are typical of the middle class. In the same vein, seventeen years later, on the occasion of the New Year, 1900, he writes to his friend Fliss: “A new century - and the most interesting thing in it, I dare say, is that it contains the date of our death, “It brought me nothing but a silly review.” Here again we find only an egocentric preoccupation with our own death and no sense of universality and solidarity, which he ascribes only to the lower classes.
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From the book Mission of Sigmund Freud the author Fromm Erich SeligmannChapter 11 Falling in Love with Love? Why love is sought more and more often, and less and less found The art of living in marriage determines a relationship that is dual in form, universal in its value and unique in tension and strength. Michel Foucault Marriages are made in heaven, and dissolved
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“A work of art, like a dream, is a continuation and replacement of past children's games. Every child who plays behaves like a poet, creating his own world for himself or, more precisely, bringing his world’s objects to a new order that suits him.”
Sigmund Freud
Every dream has at least
one place in which it is incomprehensible.
Sigmund Freud
Barely scattered in the dark
The foggy light of the moon lamp -
My fantasies and ventures -
From the heights of heaven fell chiffon.
Wishing to become a ray of the moon
At night I’ll plunge spills,
To quietly sleep nearby
and unspeakably be happy!
Here I will step aside from all the worries
Like in a dream according to Freud.
But - only morning on the doorstep -
I’ll run away: “The carriage is for me! The carriage! ”
Natalia Chistyakova 2-
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Sincerely.
“Since I love you, you also participate in this, because there is something in you that makes me love you. This is a mutual feeling, because there is a movement in both directions: the love that I feel for you arises in response to the reason for the love that is in you.
My feeling for you is not only my business, but yours too. My love says something about you that maybe you yourself don’t know. ”Jacques-Alain Miller
What is love?
At all times, people are looking for the answer to this question, and the most ordinary and great minds, but still have not come to a common opinion. And not surprising, because the subject of the study is very extensive and subjective.They write verses about love, write books, sing songs, they are silent about love, they shout about love. What people call love makes them dance with happiness or kill themselves with grief.
Love applies to everyone, regardless of social status, age and gender. In my opinion, the question “What is love?” Cannot be unambiguously answered.
Someone believes that he loves or loved, and then it turns out that it was not love; someone claims that he has not yet met his love; that love is a disease; or that love lasts three years. Some are sure that love is based on sexual desire, others - that spiritual values. One way or another, people feel that they are called the word "love."
Because of love, we are jealous, we experience a bright range of feelings and emotions. We argue with partners about how you should love. Women try to explain to men how to love a woman, and men try to defend their point of view. Someone turns out love, someone does not.
One way or another, love in all its manifestations is an integral part of every person’s life. That is why love has been studied for so long and fiercely.
For all the time of studying this issue, so many thinkers, opinions and theories have been gathered that not everyone can be listed. However, there are theories that have received the greatest response in the souls of people and therefore have gained their popularity. They will be discussed in this article. It can be assumed that these theories more noticeably than the others came closer to understanding the issue under discussion. As Freud often said: “Your reaction would not be so violent if I hadn’t hit the target”.
This article will be interesting to those who feel love and asks the question: why is everything in love so complicated and ambiguous?
Despite the fact that love can be maternal, paternal, fraternal, in this material I propose to talk about love, which often excites more than others - about love between a man and a woman.
Love according to Schopenhauer
I can not help but pay attention to the great thinker, whom Leo Tolstoy called "the most ingenious of people."The German philosopher Arthur Schopenhauer is an author whose view on love deserves attention, if only because his reasoning on this subject influenced Freud's understanding of love. The fact that Schopenhauer called "the will to live" Freud later designated as "Eros."
Schopenhauer believed that the basis of all sexual love is instinct aimed exclusively at procreation. The choice of an object of love is instinctive.
In his work “Metaphysics of Sexual Love”, the German philosopher explains how this choice occurs and why one is attracted to people when choosing an object of love, and the other is disgusting.
In the framework of this article, I find a remarkable excerpt from the aforementioned work of the philosopher:
“... It should be noted that a man by nature exhibits a tendency to inconstancy in love, and a woman to a constancy. A man’s love is noticeably weakening from the moment she gets satisfaction: almost every other woman is more attractive to him than that which he already possesses, and he longs for a change; the woman’s love, on the contrary, is increasing from this moment.
This is the result of the goals that nature sets itself: it is interested in preserving, and therefore in the greatest possible reproduction of any given kind of creatures. In fact: a man can easily give birth to more than a hundred children a year, if there are as many women at his service; on the contrary, a woman, no matter how many men she knows, can only give birth to only one child per year (I am not talking about twins here).
That is why a man always stares at other women, while a woman is strongly attached to one, because nature instinctively and without any reflection prompts her to take care of the breadwinner and protector of future offspring.
And because marital fidelity has an artificial character in a man and a natural one in a woman, and thus, adultery of a woman, both objectively, by its consequences, and subjectively, by its unnaturalness, is much more unforgivable than adultery by a man.
<...>
The main condition that determines our choice and our inclination is age. In general, he satisfies us in this regard from the period when menstruation begins, and to when they stop; but we give particular preference to a pore from eighteen to twenty-eight years old.
Beyond these limits, no woman can be attractive to us: an old woman, i.e. no longer having menstruation, disgusts us. Youth without beauty is still attractive, beauty without youth is never.
Obviously, the consideration that unconsciously leads us here is the possibility of procreation in general; therefore, each individual loses his attractiveness to the other sex to the extent that he moves away from the period of greatest suitability for a productive function or for conception.
The second condition is health: acute diseases are only a temporary hindrance in our eyes; chronic or thin diseases repel us completely, because they pass on to the child.
The third condition that we will deal with when choosing a woman is her addition, because the type of genus is based on it. After old age and illness, nothing repels us like a curved figure: even the most beautiful face cannot reward us for it; on the contrary, we certainly prefer the ugliest face if a slender figure connects with it.
Further, any disproportionality in physique affects us more noticeably and more than anything elsefor example, a crooked side, twisted, short-legged figure, etc., even a lame gait, if it is not the result of any external accident.
On the contrary, a strikingly beautiful camp can compensate for all sorts of flaws: it fascinates us. This also includes the fact that everyone appreciates small legs: the latter are an essential sign of the genus, and in no animal the tarsus and metatarsus taken together are not so small as in humans, which is associated with its direct gait: man - the creature is erect.
That is why Jesus Sirakhov (26, 23, according to the corrected translation of Krause) says: “a woman who is slim and has beautiful legs is like a golden pillar on a silver pillar.”
Teeth are also important for us, because they play a very significant role in nutrition and are especially inherited.
The fourth condition is the known fullness of the body, those. the predominance of plant function, plasticity: it promises abundant nutrition to the fetus, and therefore severe thinness immediately repels us.
Full female breasts have extraordinary attractiveness for men, because, being in direct connection with the reproductive functions of a woman, she promises a rich diet for a newborn.
Overly fat women, on the other hand, disgust us; the fact is that this property indicates uterine atrophy, i.e. infertility; and it’s not the head that knows, but instinct.
Only the last role in our choice is the beauty of the face. And here, first of all, the bone parts are taken into consideration: that is why we pay the main attention to a beautiful nose; a short upturned nose spoils everything.
The happiness of a lifetime for many girls decided a small bend of the nose up or down; and this is true, because the case here is a generic type. The small mouth, due to the small jaws, plays a very important role, because it is a specific feature of the human face as opposed to the jaws of animals.
The chin that is laid back, as if cut off, is especially disgusting, because the protruding chin is a characteristic feature exclusively of our human kind.
Finally, our attention is attracted by beautiful eyes and forehead: they are already associated with mental propertiesespecially intellectual ones that are inherited from the mother. ”
I consider it important to note that the discrepancy with the criteria proposed by Schopenhauer for choosing an object of love does not mean that love is guaranteed to pass by. Indeed, a person choosing a pair instinctively responds to certain external features that can affect the choice.
However, the criteria change over time, a person has a complex mental apparatus and is not limited to what are called “instincts”.
Life is rich in examples when a person who does not meet the criteria of an “ideal” object finds a mate and creates a strong family. As well as vice versa: a person with the “right” parameters spends life alone.
Freud's love
Given the fact that Schopenhauer's writings had a significant influence on Freud, it seems logical to me to continue the article with the theory of the “Father of Psychoanalysis”.Speaking about Freud's views on love, it may seem that everything is simple: love is based on sexual desire, called Freud "libido". And really - nothing complicated at first glance. But if you try to figure it out by studying the works of Sigmund, then you quickly realize that everything is much more complicated.
That is why the debate between psychoanalysts, psychologists, psychotherapists and psychiatrists, who are trying to figure out what Freud had in mind, is still ongoing all over the world.
Considering that this debate has been going on for more than a hundred years, and a complete understanding has appeared, I will not even try to analyze the works of the classic in the framework of this article, but I will write about the features of choosing the object of love.
Freud speaks about the peculiarities of men’s choice, but I personally will not separate men and women in this context, because Freud himself writes in his Essays on the Theory of Sexuality: “... libido is always - and naturally by its nature - masculineregardless of whether it occurs in a man or a woman and regardless of its object, whether it be a man or a woman. ”
In "On Narcissism," the founder of psychoanalysis gives a brief overview of the ways of choosing an object. There are two types of love:
1) According to the narcissistic type: when you find and love in a partner “what you are (yourself) yourself, then what you [yourself] used to be, what you would like to be, a person who was part of himself”.
That is, a search for the image of oneself in another person. A sort of partner is a mirror in which you can enjoy your reflection.
2) According to the reference or adjoining type: the partner acts as a “feeding woman, protecting the man and the whole number of people who come to replace them in the future”.
That is, it is a matter of choosing an object of love that will help you, complement you, support, make up - give what you do not have - that is, take care.
Freud, at one time noticed that the first type of choice of an object of love is more characteristic of women, but not for all:
“... especially in cases where the development [puberty] is accompanied by the flourishing of beauty, the complacency of a woman is developed. <...>
Strictly speaking, such women love themselves with the same intensity with which their man loves. They have no need to love and be loved, and they are ready to be satisfied with a man who meets this main condition for them.
Such women are most attracted to men, not only for aesthetic reasons, since they are usually distinguished by great beauty, but also because of an interesting psychological constellation.
Namely, it is not difficult to notice that the narcissism of a person, apparently, is very attractive to those people of a different type who have refused to experience their narcissism in its entirety and are striving for love of the object.<...>
But narcissistic women who remain cold to a man can go on to true love for the object.<...>
A deep love for an object of a support type is, in essence, characteristic of a man. It manifests such an amazing reassessment of the object, which probably comes from the child's initial narcissism and expresses the transfer of this narcissism to a sexual object.
Such a sexual reappraisal makes possible the emergence of a peculiar state of love, reminiscent of a neurotic obsession, which is explained by the liberation of the "I" in favor of the object. "
At the same time, Freud did not believe that all people fall into two different groups, depending on the narcissistic or basic type of choice of the object. He wrote: "I am ready to admit that there are many women who love by the male type, and they develop the sexual reappraisal of this type”.
I myself note that it is currently believed that the nature of object relations of the type “object-support” is not characteristic of the neurotic structure, but for people with borderline personality disorder. This disorder was not known at the time of Freud.
At the same time, I completely agree with the author and I believe that strict separation into two types and tying each of them to a certain gender is unacceptable. Both in my work and outside the office, I often meet people who, regardless of gender, have one or another type of choice of the object of love.
Most often you can meet people whose type of partner choice is mixed. “We say that a person initially has two sexual objects: himself and a woman raising him, and at the same time we allow each person to have primary narcissism, which can sometimes take a dominant position when choosing an object.”
Freud indicates two main factors under the influence of which either normal sexual behavior develops, or its deviant forms.
The first factor is the cultural requirements passed through consciousness: shame, compassion, disgust, moral and authority structures, etc.
The second is the choice of a sexual object. Normal development occurs if the genitals of a subject of the opposite sex become such an object.
Fromm love
Further, I can not ignore the theory of love of a very popular author around the world, who is considered one of the founders of the new Freudianism.The German sociologist, philosopher, social psychologist and psychoanalyst, Erich Fromm, as well as the ancient philosophers believed that there was several types of love, namely: brotherly love, maternal, erotic, love of self and love of God.
Speaking about Fromm's theory, I will single out only what, in my opinion, is the most interesting for thought.
Fromm claimed that there is a mature and immature love. He called immature love "pseudo-love" and did not consider it as love, but he considered mature love to be true love.
Immature love, according to the scientist, is not love at all, but something like biological symbiosis.
A “symbiotic union” or “immature love” is a symbiosis of the co-dependent sadist and masochist who have lost their mental integrity and do not have their own “I”.
Such people do not feel full and compensate for this inferiority through a partner. They quarrel regularly, believing that they are wrongly loved and do not understand.
Often, representatives of “immature love” value love by the amount of material investments: giving gifts means love, but not giving means love does not exist, etc.
Those who are engaged and enjoy the "pseudo-love" often "love" the brain of a partner in different ways and seem to invade the partner’s personality. Such people use their partners to satisfy their sadomasochistic needs.
True love between them does not work, because deep down - unconsciously they gave their hearts to their parents, most often their mothers. Therefore, they are not able to "move away from narcissism and from the incestuous attachment to mother and family" in order to build love. It is this kind of affection for mother that interferes with love that I often have to work out with my patients.
Turning to true love, I note that one of the indicators of mature love is the ability to “respect and protect each other’s loneliness”.
“Mature love”, according to Fromm, is an art. Love implies mutual respect, care, responsibility and good knowledge of each other.
This is not a passing impulse of feelings, not the love that the scientist also referred to as “pseudo-love”, but an alliance in which partners help each other, helping to grow and develop in all directions. To do this, each of the partners must be capable of selfless love and, first of all, love themselves.
“Only one who truly loves himself can love someone else” .
Mature love is a voluntary union of two full-fledged, self-loving personalities, in which each partner maintains its own individuality and independence and at the same time does not pretend to be independent of the partner and does not infringe on its "I".
“Mature love is unity, provided that we maintain our own integrity and our own individuality” <...>
If immature love says: “I love because I love”, then mature love proceeds from the principle: “I love because I love.”
Immature love yells: “I love you because I need you!” Mature love argues: “I need you because I love you”- wrote Fromm and was sure that true love is not accessible to everyone, and most often immature love is found.
Mature love is only possible when both partners are mature mentally. From myself, I want to note that mental maturity is a very rare phenomenon in our time. Therefore, there are so many divorces and single-parent families.
Love by horney
Another look at love, which I find curious and worthy of attention, belongs to the bright representative of neo-Freudianism Karen Horney.At her lecture as part of the meeting of the German Psychoanalytic Society in 1936, Horney presented the audience with a report on love, namely the neurotic need for it.
Horney understood the term “neurosis” not as a situational neurosis, but as a character neurosis that began in early childhood and captured the whole personality, absorbing it in one way or another.
I also note right away that Horney called normal what is usually for the culture in which a person [grew up and] lives.
“We all want to be loved and enjoy if that succeeds. It enriches our lives and fills us with happiness. To such an extent, the need for love, or rather, the need to be loved, is not neurotic. ”
“The difference between the normal and neurotic need for love can be formulated as follows: for a healthy person it is important to be loved, respected and appreciated by those people whom he values, or on whom he depends; the neurotic need for love is obsessive and illegible. In a neurotic, the need for love is noticeably exaggerated. "Horney notes.
If the saleswoman, waiter or any other casual person is not very nice, then this can ruin the neurotic mood or even hurt him, depending on the degree of neurosis. The neurotic perceives such “dislike” as dislike directed specifically at him.
Another feature characteristic of neurotic love, according to the psychoanalyst, is reappraisal of love.
“I mean, in particular, the type of neurotic women who feel in danger, unhappy and depressed always, as long as there is no one infinitely devoted to them who would love them and take care of them. I also mean women in whom the desire to get married takes the form of obsession.
They are stuck on this side of life (getting married) as hypnotized, even if they themselves are absolutely unable to love and their attitude towards men is obviously bad. <...>
An essential characteristic of a neurotic need for love is its gluttony, expressed in terrible jealousy: You are obliged (a) to love only me! ”
This phenomenon can be observed in many couples and in love affairs. Even in neurotic friendships, this behavior often occurs when friends or girlfriends quarrel and are jealous as if they were a married couple. By jealousy, Horney understands "Gluttony and the requirement to be the only subject of love".
The gluttony of the neurotic need for love is also expressed in the desire to be unconditionally loved (mine).
“You must love me no matter how I behave” and / or “Loving someone who reciprocates with you is not so difficult, but let’s see if you can love me without getting anything in return” .
Also from a neurotic you can often hear: "He (a) loves me only because he receives sexual satisfaction from me." In neurotic relationships, the partner must constantly prove his “true” love, sacrificing his moral ideals, reputation, money, time, etc., and the failure to fulfill the above is perceived by the neurotic as a betrayal.
Next, Karen Horney wonders: “Observing the gluttony of the neurotic need for love, I asked myself - is the neurotic personality seeking love for himself, or is he really striving for material gain by all means?<...>
There are people who deliberately do not recognize love, saying: “All this talk about love is just nonsense. Give me something real! ”<...>
Is the demand for love not just a cover for a secret desire to get something from another person, be it location, gifts, time, money, etc.?It is difficult to answer this question unequivocally. ”
And indeed, at that time Horney was difficult, in any case much more difficult than it would be today, to answer this question unequivocally, as as in Freud's time, borderline personality disorder was still not known. Knowing about PRL, I want to note that many of the formulations that Horney considered neurotic I refer specifically to the borderline state.
“As a rule, these people very early encountered the cruelty of life, and they believe that love simply does not exist. They completely delete her from their lives. The fidelity of this assumption is confirmed by an analysis of such personalities. If they go through the analysis long enough, they sometimes still agree that kindness, friendship, and affection do exist. ” - shares the experience of Horney.
“Another sign of the neurotic need for love is the extreme sensitivity to rejection that so often occurs in hysterical personalities.
Any nuances and in any relationship that could be interpreted as rejection, they perceive only this way, and respond to this with hatred.
One of my patients had a cat, which sometimes allowed itself not to react to its affection. Once, having become furious because of this, the patient simply slammed the cat against the wall. This is a fairly demonstrative example of the rage that rejection can cause in a neurotic. The reaction to a real or imaginary rejection is not always so obvious, it is often hidden. ”
On this topic, Horney says that also often there are people with unshakable, albeit unconscious beliefs that love does not exist. Such a worldview (protection) is characteristic of those who suffered from severe disappointments in childhood, which "Made them delete from their lives love, affection and friendship once and for all."
Due to the insatiable need for love, the neurotic almost never succeeds in reaching the level of love that he needs - there will always be little.
If love requires a person’s ability and desire to spontaneously surrender to other people, business or idea, then the neurotic is usually incapable of this bestowal in connection with anxiety and overt or covert aggression towards others.
Most often, the foundation of such behavior is laid in childhood due to the mistreatment of a child. Over time, anxiety and hostility intensify, and the neurotic often does not realize the causes of symptoms.
For the same reason, he is never able / or does not want to take the place of another. “He does not think about how much love, time and help another person can or wants to give him - he wants only all the time and all love! Therefore, he takes as an insult any desire of the other to sometimes be alone or the interest of the other in something or someone else but him. ”
In most cases, "the neurotic does not realize his inability to love." However, some of them are able to admit: "No, I do not know how to love." Another symptom inherent in neurotics is an excessive fear of rejection.
“This fear can be so great that it often does not allow them to approach other people even with a simple question or a sympathetic gesture. They live in constant fear that the other person will push them away. They may be afraid to even present gifts - for fear of rejection. "
There are many examples of how real or imaginary rejection gives rise to increased hostility in neurotic personalities. Over time, such fear can cause the neurotic to move more and more away from people.
"I'm not at all afraid of sex, I'm terribly afraid of love." In fact, she could barely spell the word “love,” and did everything in her power to keep her inner distance from people who showed this feeling. ".
Like Horney, I believe that love does not guarantee sexual contact, just like sex is not a guarantee of love. A huge number of neurotics live in the world, afraid of love, while having a regular sex life. Often with different partners.
Summarizing his report, Horney talks about the causes of the previously mentioned fears, rooted in increased basal anxiety, and lists basic neurotic defenses from her:
1. Neurotic need for love, the motto of which, as already mentioned: “If you love me, you will not offend me” .
2. Subordination: “If you yield, always do what is expected of you, never ask for anything, never resist - no one will offend you” .
3. The third path was described by Adler, and in particular by Künckel. This is a compulsive desire for power, success and possession under the motto: "If I am stronger and higher, you will not offend me."
4. Emotional distance from people as a way to achieve security and independence. One of the most important goals of such a strategy is to become invulnerable.
5. Convulsive hoarding, which in this case does not express a pathological desire for possession, but a desire to ensure its independence from others.
Very often we see that the neurotic chooses more than one path, but tries to alleviate his anxiety in a variety of ways, often opposite and even mutually exclusive. ”
Love by Lacan
Finally, I left the theory of a very astute author: “To love means to give that which you do not have, to those who do not want it” -, says French psychoanalyst Jacques Lacan. (L "amour c" est donner ce qu "on n" a pas à quelqu "un qui n" en veut pas)This wording intrigued many, including me. This view of love is now able to immediately reanimate any discussion on the topic of love. There are many interpretations of this definition of love.
As for me, I am a supporter of the classical interpretation, which can be found in Alain Badiou, and in Jean-Luc Nancy, and in Jacques-Alain Miller and other connoisseurs of Lacan.
Let's try to figure it out. “To love is to give that which you do not have”. In order for this to become possible, you must admit to yourself that you are not full.
“In other words, to give, that which you do not have” means to admit that you are missing something, and to give this “something” to another, “to place in another.”
This does not mean giving him what you own - things or gifts; it means giving away that which you do not own, that which is beyond yourself. And for this we must admit its incompleteness, "castration," as Freud said ".
«. .. In this sense, you can truly love only from the position of a woman. Love is feminizing. That's why a man in love is always a little ridiculous. But if he is embarrassed by this, afraid to seem ridiculous, this means that in reality he is not too confident in his male power ”.
Based on what has been written, it can be concluded that a man in love can at times feel inferior, and feeling anxious to be situationally aggressive towards his beloved, which unwittingly makes him feel castrated and dependent.
This can explain the man’s sometimes desire to "go left" to an unloved woman:“In this way he again finds himself in a position of strength, from which he partly departs in a love relationship”that is, it can be said, makes up for its own fullness lost with a beloved woman (the fight against castration anxiety, which Freud wrote about).
As for women, then “They are characterized by a split in the perception of a male partner. On the one hand, he is a lover who gives pleasure, they are attracted to him. But he is also a loving man, feminized by this feeling, essentially castrated.
More and more women prefer a man’s position: one man, at home, for love, others for physical enjoyment ”Says the student of Lacan.
Jacques-Alain Miller and continues:
“The more a man devotes himself to one woman, the more likely it is that over time she will acquire a maternal status for him: the more he loves her, the more he deifies, puts him on a pedestal. And when a woman becomes attached to a single man, she “castrates” him.
Therefore, it turns out that the path of ideal relationships is very narrow. Aristotle, for example, believed that friendship was the best continuation of conjugal love. ”
But there is something that prevents the implementation of Aristotle's model: “... dialogue between opposite sexes is impossible: each lover is essentially doomed to always comprehend the partner’s language, acting by touch, picking up the keys to the castle, which is constantly changing.
Love is a labyrinth of misunderstanding, a way out of which does not exist. ”
Concluding the article I want to express my personal opinion: I think that a complete and unambiguous understanding of love and the answer to the question “What is love?” Still do not exist.
I believe that there are only different concepts, theories, ideas and views on this issue that are subjectively suitable or not suitable for each individual person.
Among the many theories, each person finds one that is subjectively the closest and most of all the others corresponds to the life position, requirement and degree of neurosis.
Whatever this complex complex of emotions may be called, it can be clearly said that this is what many people around the World live and develop for, even if they don’t have the slightest encyclopedic knowledge of what is commonly called the word “ love".
The psychology of relationships is represented by the famous Austrian psychologist, Sigmund Freud. Based on the theory of psychoanalysis, Sigmund Freud studied not only the psychological prerequisites of basic human feelings and desires, but also their impact on the social and personal sphere of the relationship of people between themselves and in society.
The psychology of relationships is widely outlined in his famous work, Essays on the Psychology of Sexuality. The essence of the relationship between a man and a woman, in this work directly, consists, first of all, in choosing the object of your desire or the object of love. Briefly explain the scheme of action of our mind, then in it, as in a closet, for example, there are three shelves: consciousness, subconscious, unconscious. In consciousness lives our "I", personality;
the subconscious mind remembers and processes the flow of information that has arrived, is being received, and will still be coming, one way or another, into our life; unconsciously, the essence is much more complex structure than we can imagine. According to the theory of Sigmund Freud, everything that was once objectionable to us was supplanted into the unconscious, and is still there, constantly influencing us. Example: a child in childhood was deprived of one of the parents, mother, say, and this boy was this child. Depending on the further development of family relationships, certain perceptions of women as such will be laid in the child. Often you can meet men who do not know how to build relationships with women, and all because they did not get it or were deprived of maternal love.
The unconscious also influences who we choose as a partner for ourselves: why do we have certain preferences in the character, manner of behavior, taste in clothing and, finally, in the external image and appearance of our partner. A man seeks to satisfy his aesthetic, sexual, intellectual needs, which he had formed, and which are also unconsciously (as yet) laid in the unconscious. The latter very clearly answers the question of the psychology of relations, why we met one person, maybe lived with him, or met, and got, in the end, a completely different personality.
The psychology of relations, as interpreted by Sigmund Freud, has given us a number of opinions that have long taken root in the vastness of the CIS and the European Union, which formed the basis of moral training for every third family: a man wants to find a woman similar to his mother, and a woman intends to find a man who resembles something her father. Even more interesting is the trend in families with the advent of children. In choosing their future partner, children who have become late in the family pay attention to the partner much older than themselves and vice versa, as for children who were born early in the family.
But no matter how we show our desires and no matter what affects them, Sigmund Freud was always sure of one thing: all our actions are influenced by two instincts - libido, which must be satisfied and hunger. Perhaps it is safe to point out that the entire psychoanalysis of this Austrian philosopher and psychologist in the aspect of the psychology of relations was built on the tendency of sexual overcoming.
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In modern times, most of us adhere to the version that it is impossible to accurately answer the question of what love is. But many centuries ago, Plato was the first to try this.
Love theory plato
In life, we often have heard expressions such as “platonic love” or “platonic feeling”, which implied that in such relationships there is no sex. But such a formulation would be too primitive. In order to fully understand what is a "Platonic feeling", we turn to the philosophy of Plato.
The versatility of the Platonic theory is emphasized by one of the main provisions of the thinker, which can be defined as the "unity of love." In other words, every love is an attraction to Good, Beauty, Good, Highness.
The essence of man, finite in nature, reveals his immortality in the knowledge of these forms, going beyond the boundaries of his own "I".
In his dialogue “Feast,” the ancient thinker explains that love is born in gratitude for craving for the beautiful. But love, not only an indicator of the sublime and spiritual, it can also expose all the inferiority of an individual.
Love brings both benefit and harm. It all depends on the people themselves. All the beautiful moments are spiritual, granted by heaven, and all the bad things that come with love are earthly, material matters.
Plato has always tried to prove to everyone that this feeling is highly moral, and it is higher than any human vices and problems. It is this position of the ancient philosopher that is often called the theory of free love.
Freud's Theory of Love
Freud became the second thinker who attempted to find a new unifying theory of love. Despite the abyss in the 24th century that separates it from Plato, the development of biological and medical sciences, which had a great influence on the formation of Freud as a scientist, he also sets the foundation for everything.
But in Freud’s psychology, every love is originally sexual. And the main task of the theory of love will explain from this thesis all kinds of love (narcissism, love for the family, for humanity, for certain things, etc.).
Freud's theory is based on the experiences and fears of childhood, which, in memories, are constantly present in the life of an adult and try to control it. The founder of psychoanalysis gave various examples when an adult tries to fulfill his childhood desires and dreams.
Sigmund Freud says that an ordinary child is forbidden almost everything that causes him delight and joy. And at different periods of development, new prohibitions appear, which makes the child again and again give up what he loves, for the sake of parents, so as not to lose their parental love.
How strongly memories and fears from childhood affect the success of an adult's life will depend on the person himself. Will he be able to become a psychologically mature person or will he direct all his forces for a long time to the realization of children's desires and needs. Search for something that could not get before?
It is worth noting that in the philosophy of Plato there is also an element of memories, but it is based on the initial knowledge of the Good, and is not characterized by a physical state. That is, platonic love comes, guided by the highest Beauty and Good, and not sexual inclination.
Despite the fact that such different characteristics of the "exalted" in Plato and the "natural" in Freud, the purpose of love is one. Both one and the second believed that the purpose of love is to bring together and hold together, unite and preserve living beings. Any person needs love, which to one degree or another is present in everyone’s life and determines the meaning of his existence.
