Clive staples lewis how to relate to yourself. Nikolay kozlov - how to relate to yourself and people

Renunciation of oneself is usually considered almost the very essence of Christian ethics. When Aristotle teaches himself to love 1), we feel (no matter how carefully he delimits the necessary and unprofitable types of philautia) that his thought is below Christianity. It is more difficult with Francis Salsky 2) when in a special chapter the saint author forbids us to harbor evil feelings even for ourselves and advises us to rebuke ourselves “in the spirit of peace and meekness”. Julia Noric 3) preaches peace and love not only to neighbors, but also to herself. Finally, the New Testament tells us to love our neighbor as ourselves, which would be terrible if we hated ourselves. However, the Savior says that a faithful disciple should “hate his soul in this world” (John 12 25) and “his very life” (Luke 14.26).

We will not remove the contradictions, explaining that love ...

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Renunciation of oneself is usually considered almost the very essence of Christian ethics. When Aristotle teaches himself to love to love (../../../ spravki / temy / l / lyubov.html)

1), we feel (no matter how carefully he delimits the necessary and undesirable types of philautia) that his thought is below Christianity. It is more difficult with Francis Salsky 2) when in a special chapter the saint author forbids us to harbor evil feelings even for ourselves and advises us to rebuke ourselves “in the spirit of peace and meekness”. Julia Noric 3) preaches peace and love not only to neighbors, but also to herself. Finally, the New Testament tells us to love our neighbor as ourselves, which would be terrible if we hated ourselves. However, the Savior says that a faithful disciple should “hate his soul in this world” (John 12 25) and “his very life” (Luke 14.26).

We will not remove the contradictions, explaining that self-love is good to a certain limit, and then - bad. The point here is not to the extent. The bottom line is that in the world there are two types of self-dislike, very similar at first glance and directly opposite in their fruits When Shelley says that “self-contempt is the source of malice”, and the other, later poet exposes those who “ he abhorred his neighbors as well, ”both of them mean a frequent and very non-Christian property. Such self-hatred makes a true demon of someone who, with simple egoism, would be (or be) an animal. Seeing our uncleanness, we do not necessarily find humility. We can find a “low opinion” of all people, including ourselves, which will give rise to cynicism, cruelty, or both. Even those Christians who place man too low are not free from this danger. They inevitably have to exaggerate too much suffering - both their own and that of others.

There are actually two ways to love yourself. One can see the creation of God in oneself, and one must be merciful to these creatures, no matter what they become. You can see in yourself the navel of the earth and prefer your benefits to others. This second love for oneself must not only be hated, but also killed. A Christian wages a continuous struggle with her, but he loves and pardons all the "I" in the world, except for their sin. The struggle against self-interest itself shows him how he should relate to all people. I hope that when we learn to love our neighbor as ourselves (which is unlikely to happen in this life), we will learn to love ourselves as our neighbor - that is, we will change our personalities to mercy. Non-Christian hater hates all "I", all of God's creatures. At first, he appreciates one “I” - his own. But when he is convinced that this precious person is full of filth, his pride is wounded and takes out the malice first on himself, then on everyone. He is deeply selfish, but in a different way, and he has a simple argument: “Since I do not regret myself, why on earth should I spare others?” So, Tacitus’s centurion was “tougher because he suffered a lot” 4). Bad asceticism cripples the soul, true - kills the self. It is better to love yourself than not to love anything; it’s better to feel sorry for yourself than to spare no one.

1) Aristotle, see Nikomakhov ethics, Prince IX, Ch. 8.

2) St. Francis de Sales (1567-1622) - Swiss Catholic bishop, writer. He writes about kindness to himself in the book Introduction to a Pious Life (1609), part III of Ch. IX

3) Juliania Norichskaya is an English mystic of the 14th century.

4) Tacitus, "Annals", Prince. I, part XX.

Once upon a time I noticed that male colleagues treat my girlfriend quite differently than they treat me. I will now explain what the difference is. I have always positioned myself as a competent and sensible specialist, and in order to avoid gossip, allusions to official romances and other dirty tricks that lie in wait in a mixed team, I always kept independent and kept my distance. So it happened over time that they began to perceive me as a strong woman who absolutely did not need help, support, care.

Moreover, it is possible to ask me for help, protection before the authorities. This can delay me after work until late, and then don’t worry about how I get home. Even for my birthday and March 8th they give me some ... “useful gifts”, asexual, as if I weren’t a woman at all, but like that, a colleague was all there.

And my friend, a man no less powerful than me, and even more so, not helpless, managed to give herself up as a tender creature, incapable of life, in need of care and care. But I have known her for decades, and I understand that it’s just her way of living - shifting her affairs and problems to those around her.

My eyes finally opened when my husband once said to me that this friend of mine wants to help, because next to her even the little chick feels like a knight, a strong man, and I’m already strong, in no one than I do not need. Honestly, after such a statement, I cried secretly, because it's a shame! I also want to be helped, to consider me gentle and defenseless.

But it turns out that I myself am to blame. It was not worth taking the burden of all life problems on yourself, wanting to save or make life easier for those who are nearby. And I began to look closely at my friend and my relatives. After such observations, I understood the indisputable truth: how you put yourself, so they will relate to you. If you pull a cart, they will only put it on, and if you pretended to be weak, then not only your cart will be pulled with problems, but they will also put you on top, so as not to overwork.

And as for men in particular, they, first of all, reflect our attitude to ... to ourselves. That is, men relate to us as we relate to ourselves. If in a fit of pride and independence we clutch at all things in a row, then we should not expect that a man will try to ease his burden. Once or twice, he will try to help, but as soon as he understands that you can manage it yourself - that's all, you can’t even dream of more help!

You must have come across the fact that the same man manifests itself in completely different ways with different women. Or, that with one woman completely different men as a result manifest themselves identically? This is precisely the consequence of the above rule. And women who do not have a personal life often complain that here is one man, second, third - and everyone behaves the same, although from the beginning life seemed like a paradise, and the next man is completely different.

And this happens precisely because the woman’s attitude to herself during this time, at best, has not changed. And with each new novel that has not taken shape, we subconsciously make not the best conclusions about ourselves and about what we deserve, we make the same mistakes, for example, we begin to dissolve in a loved one again, we are ready to take care of him, forgetting about ourselves.

It turns out that for men a woman is a mystery! That is, they do not know and do not even assume what we need, what we dream about, what we want. And we women, for some reason, are convinced that right from birth we know what men need, how they need, with whom, how many times ... And, having met our prince, we start to do whatever we want and spend our life on someone something else, but not on yourself.

When a man meets a woman, at the first time of communication at a subconscious level, he removes information about how a woman treats herself, what she, from her own point of view, is worthy, for example, does she spend money on herself or save on herself, eats whether from beautiful dishes or slurps directly from a saucepan while running, etc. No, they do not do this on purpose, but unconsciously they evaluate us exactly as we value ourselves, and then behave in accordance with this assessment.

And unclean, cherished and cherished by men are women who are gentle and defenseless, weak and sleek, moreover, because it never occurred to them to treat them otherwise. And if you engage in self-discipline, are not confident in yourself and not decisive, then expect reproaches and criticism of your actions. If you save on yourself, you will not be given luxurious flowers and expensive gifts. If you are used to snacking on the go, from a frying pan or from a pot, then do not wait for an invitation to a restaurant or a romantic candlelight dinner prepared by your man.

Are you not comfortable with the way your man treats you? So it’s worth considering why this happens, because he, his attitude is a reflection of your own attitude to yourself. If you endure and forgive him, then do not expect your man to feel ashamed at some point, and he will stop cheating, cheating, staying at work or suddenly take upon himself part of the household chores. You endure - it means that it will always be so!

So, wanting to change something in a relationship, start with yourself: think seriously about how you feel about yourself. Be sure to constantly engage in personal development and cultivate such an attitude towards yourself as you want to see from a loved one. And everything will change for the better.

And in conclusion, one small picture that I somehow watched in the theater. An elderly lady (her tongue doesn’t dare to call her an old woman or even just a woman - it was a lady) went to the closed door, stopped and began to look around helplessly. And then a man jumped up and opened the door in front of her. You know, I envied!

The energy that a person "emits" in his love of self carries a huge charge of positive and healing energy, which can attract the love of others. The more we love ourselves, the more we attract people who will love us.

Learn to be self-conscious. Remember that your desires that do not harm you and others are holy desires! No need to suppress these desires in yourself. We were taught to love others, and it seems to be sinful, selfish to love ourselves. But it’s impossible to love others unless you love yourself — this is the law. If someone loves the other more than himself, sacrifices himself and sometimes even talks about it in his hearts, then this should not be about love. This feeling of guilt, fear of not being up to par, fear of loneliness, inability to live with oneself in harmony, writes ivona.bigmir.net.

A person should always have a state of balance of energies - male and female. In other words, if you are a woman, then an inner man must "live" in you. Tenderness and self-confidence - this is balance of energies - yang and yin. Self-love - it contains just the presence of two energies.

Take 5 steps to help you meet someone who can make you happy and become happiest.

First step

Accept in your heart the generous and wise efforts of your fathers and mothers. Your father fed you the yang energies, and your mother fed you the yin energies. And if you did not accept, do not understand your parents, then you have deprived yourself of the necessary amount of energy. The slightest condemnation on your part of the father or mother means for you a rejection of the energy foundation received at the beginning of life. Spend a little of your time thinking about your parents, and the changes will begin to happen for the better.

Second step

Accept yourself unconditionally. Completely. With all your shortcomings, which, if desired, turn into virtues. You are the most necessary and dear person for you. Say it untiringly to yourself. Do you like compliments? Show yourself on them! From morning to evening. Your holy task is to love yourself, good.
And self-love and self-acceptance is a powerful force, after a while you will feel different. Calm will come. It is peace that allows energies to be distributed, balanced, and recreate the balance of yin-yang.

Third step

Know: thoughts will create everything - health, attractiveness, charm. Learn to discipline your thoughts, judgments, know how to say no if necessary, defend your dignity, be responsible for everything that you say. Your thoughts will create male hormones in the body and can balance them with female ones.

Fourth step

Learn to be strong in spirit, active, energetic. But do not forget that you need to put strength of mind on one side of the balance, and love for yourself and others on the other side. There will come a balance of energies. Always combine tenderness and softness with firmness and determination. And it will be fabulously pleasant for you to the person who will be near.

Fifth step

Do not judge anyone. This is the hardest. The habit of judging and condemning takes a huge amount of yin energy from a person and creates an imbalance. And to restore balance, you need a situation in which you have to suffer a lot. This is the return of the lost energies. Therefore, repentance is a powerful help in any situation. Do not love, if it does not work out, but do not judge, keep your mind strict.

It is very important in fulfilling your desire - to find your true love, your only soul mate. If you managed to correct even a little missing energy, then you have already stepped out onto the road leading you towards your only person. Another remarkable writer, Conan Doyle (developing this topic), wrote in his treatise on love: "Each woman has one and only one man, and only one woman for every man. This meeting needs to be earned."

1) Aristotle-cm. Nikomakhov ethics, Prince IX, Ch. 8.

2) St. Francis de Sales (1567-1622) - Swiss Catholic bishop, writer. He writes about kindness to himself in the book Introduction to a Pious Life (1609), part III of Ch. IX

3) Juliania Norichskaya is an English mystic of the 14th century.

4) Tacitus, "Annals", Prince. I, part XX.

Fourth edition, revised and supplemented

Dedicated to My Father

INSTEAD OF FOREWORD

Three stories - like three strokes, like three chords. Let the Book begin with these three stories: maybe they are better than any long introduction will present some aspects of its content and tonality?

Injury

When I was 26 years old, I worked in a pioneer camp as the leader of an aircraft modeling circle. During the shift change, I climbed into the carpentry workshop to make rails on a circular saw. The bar broke and a hand flew across the screeching disk. Further - slowly: I see - something bloody dangles below the palm of the hand, fingers are almost completely cut off. I remember my first thoughts then: “Cut it off. What did I lose? - I lost my guitar, typewriter and karate. (By the way, I made a mistake - I lost only my guitar). Is it worth living with these losses?” “It’s worth it.” He drew a line: "So, we must continue to live happily ever after." He looked to see if the cut off fingers were lying somewhere, took the cut hand in the other, he outlined how to walk and carefully, calmly went, trying not to lose consciousness. I’m walking along the road to the camp car and screaming loudly but calmly: “To me! To help! I cut my hand!” He came up, lay down on the grass and gave the runners up clear orders: "Two plastic bags and ice - quickly!" (to pack my hand in the cold - I was hoping for a microsurgical operation). "To Moscow - fast!" On the way I sang songs, it distracted me and my companions ... Microsurgery wasn’t enough for me, but the doctors sewed almost everything. According to my impressions, I was the calmest and most sensible person in this situation (except, of course, doctors).

The keys to the apartment

The heroes of the following story met at my club five years ago. Somehow in the lesson, I develop one of my favorite theses that any two people can create a family, if only they have a desire, and they do not have pronounced physical and moral defects. Love (or rather, love) can both help and hinder them, and, in principle, is not required. We discuss, argue, my arguments sound convincing.
And suddenly ... Zhenya K. takes the keys out of his pocket, picks them up for public viewing and announces: "I agree with NI, but would like to check it out. Girls! These are the keys to my apartment. Who wants to be my wife? Anyone ! "
In response, intense silence. I, too, was a little taken aback: conversations - with conversations, and here a person offers the keys to the apartment ... But I’m also interested in it, I ask: "Girls, are there anyone who wants it?" And suddenly ... Olya S. raises her hand and says: "I agree."
We then discussed for a long time - everyone agreed that until that moment there were no "special" relations between them: ordinary, good, as with everyone.
Nothing to do: I cheerfully announce that a new family was born in our club. Everyone congratulates Olya and Zhenya. They also discussed how they should live now, or rather learn how to live as a family. The situation was facilitated by the fact that Zhenya had a one-room apartment.

But an important condition: for various reasons, we agreed on a ban on sex for the duration of the experiment. Olya and Zhenya left the class together, came to the next class together ... We do not question them, because they are calm and smiling. And a month later they came to me and said that they had already submitted an application. As Olga explained: “You know, we really liked family life. We don’t have any conflicts: we played them so much at the Club that we don’t want to do this at home. True, we violated one condition: two weeks later Zhenya stopped going to bed for the night "I have the feeling that we just opened our soul valves and all the love we carried inside us just splashed onto each other. We love each other so much!"
Now they have a daughter. They live well.

Allochka and glasses

Those who wear glasses know how difficult it was until recently to find a good frame. For a long time we were looking for my wife Alla a decent frame. Suddenly, they bring Italian, with large tinted windows, it looks great, but the price is great. No, we are not poor, but not millionaires, that's for sure. We walk around, think - and I want, and pricks ...
And then the doorbell rings. What? The angry neighbors burst from the lower floor, it turns out we poured them in, and they just made a major overhaul. We poured them a bathroom, part of the kitchen, hallway and even the corner of the bedroom, which they had just pasted with imported wallpaper. The neighbors are outraged, the wife is crying. They require money for repairs, no need to argue. I give money (from the salary just received), the wife cries even louder. The neighbors, swearing, leave. I escort them, return to my wife and say: "That's it, this issue is no longer being discussed. We take points for you." Why? Because a person is ill. And he should be - good.

And now - let's get acquainted.

Hello!

My name is Nikolai Ivanovich, I’m 33 years old (I feel 19 years old in my soul), I am a psychologist and husband (my wife calls me Sunny). My wife’s name is Alla (I have “Miracles”). We have two sons - Vanya and Sasha, the weather. Outwardly very similar to each other, both lively and energetic, but Vanya is tough, and Shurik is a sweetheart. I’m closer Vanya, Allochka - Sasha. At work - I lead psychological groups, give lectures, advise. I love my work and without it I imagine life with difficulty. It’s nice to listen to the confession and feel that it may not be right away, but you can help a person. It’s a great happiness to see how people straighten their shoulders and open their eyes after your work. A considerable place in my life and in this book is occupied by the youth club, but about it later. I can only say that without this my book would never have been written.

About the book

I wrote the book seriously and cheerfully. Fun, because from the heart. It’s serious that I shouldn’t be ashamed of the people whom I respect and who still respect me. I wrote an applied book, not a theoretical one; The book is popular, not scientific.
In this regard, I apologize to those authors whose thoughts and images I somehow used, not always referring to them. I constantly had a fear that, if I had made references to each sensible utterance, the whole book would be full of notes: "Collective mind." I did not write for psychologists, but for everyone else, the problem of authorship is of little concern.
True, I did not refer to one person so often that I should immediately name him: Arkady Petrovich Egides, psychologist, psychotherapist, specialist in family and sexology. Actually, thanks to him, I began to form as a psychologist-practitioner.
And the last one. To be precise, under this cover are four separate books, completely different not only in topic and content, but also in style, tone, and language.

BOOK 1
WISDOM IN DAILY CONTACTS

Part 1. Secrets of family communication

What makes people native

It is always interesting to observe how, from what bricks communication in a family is made up. For example, it can be both pleasant entertainment, and traditional ritual, and business communication, and evil manipulation, and live contact, intimacy.
With regard to intimacy, then we are talking about emotional closeness. People can be physically close, but their souls and hearts are separated. In the same way, people can talk on the phone for thousands of kilometers, but at the same time there will be a Meeting, they will be close to each other like never before.
How does ordinary family communication proceed? What brings people together?

"How are you?"

The usual question is "How are you?" meeting close people can be anything. In particular, it can be a meaningless greeting, an everyday ritual.
The military salutes at a meeting, in the Middle Ages it was necessary to make 16 ritual jumps, and here the same formality, it is necessary to say "How are you?" The interlocutor will also formally answer to this: "Normal."
Neither one nor the other soul even flinched: there was a greeting, the meeting did not happen.
Other "How are you?" may be a business matter: I need information and they give it to me. The man here for me is only a source of information, nothing more.
“Well, how are you?”, Pronounced with the appropriate intonation, may be the beginning of a manipulation game: “Well, I got caught,” when the questioner is already sure in advance that something is “wrong” here and is about to embed it.

"Hello how are you?" - It may be the beginning of entertainment, with a subtext: "Tell me that you know interesting things." Then begins a more or less entertaining chatter, in which people habitually while away time. Well, and of course, "How are you?" can become a moment of intimacy, a living contact of people loving each other.
"How are you?" here means: “I'm so glad to see you! Is everything good on your soul?”, and the response “Good” can be deciphered: “I am also very glad to see you, and now I’m just wonderful with you ...” These two met.

Probably, all these types, forms of communication - and rituals, and entertainment, and business communication - have a right to exist.
The only thing that is not close to me is manipulation games. Yes, I know people who feel good when others feel bad, but I don’t share this joy.
Another thing, it is important that we always give each other what we need.
Suppose she’s bored, she wants to have fun, and he’s all about the case and the case ... Bad. But on the other hand - all of a sudden he needs to seriously talk, and she leaves the conversation everything - hehanki yes khahanki. It will infuriate him. Well, and probably the most difficult option - when one wants warmth, intimacy, and the other does not give it, replacing it with light talk, then senseless and boring rituals, or, even more so, injections of manipulation ...
Plus, we must take into account the fact that communication is not only what is said in words. It is the language of actions, views, touches, steps towards each other or from ...
In this regard, it is interesting to see what sex can be for spouses. Indeed, can sex be just a ritual for them, a tradition? - Sure. So, in many couples already elderly and not inclined to creativity, it becomes commonplace: here comes Saturday, they have dinner, take a shower, go to bed, and now they have traditional sexual intimacy. For some, sex can be fun on a rainy fall day when there is nothing more to do. And can sex be a business procedure? Yes, for example, a serious procedure in the conception of children. Say, the spouses have problems with this, they prepared for a long time, calculated the days, and now the spouse, according to all the rules, performs fertilization ... Unfortunately, sex can be a manipulation game, which will end, for example, with a wonderful phrase: "And will you buy me a fur coat? "

But, probably, people should strive to ensure that for them intimate relations in the full sense of the word are a manifestation of intimacy, trust, the moment of meeting of two people loving each other.

How close are close people?

The experience of intimacy is deeply necessary, apparently, for every person, and everyone suffers from his absence. What prevents us from being close? A truly close person is one who understands us. But understanding the Other is difficult, and I would call EGOCENTRISM one of the first obstacles, that is, inability or unwillingness to put yourself in the place of another person.
In children, egocentrism is very pronounced, and everyone can be convinced of this by reproducing the experiment of J. Piaget with children aged 5–7.
Children sit around a round table, they are given everything necessary for drawing, and on the table there are 3 pyramids: red, blue and green. The task is given: "Draw these pyramids!" Children perform this task without difficulty. "Okay, thanks. And now, please, let Vanya draw the pyramids as Masha sees them - she sits opposite you. Can you?" - Vanya, without a moment's hesitation, takes colored pencils again and draws pyramids - just like the first time.
It cannot yet occur to him that on the other side of the table, from a different point of view, the same pyramids will look different, and the red one, say, will no longer be on the left, but on the right ...

Children grow up, but self-centeredness remains. No, of course, now we already know that each person perceives the same situation in his own way, from his point of view - but the problem is that we use this knowledge too rarely.
Here is the simplest experiment that is often carried out in the practice of family counseling. A husband and wife come, but they ask her husband to wait in the corridor. The wife begins to vividly, in detail and figuratively tell how her husband behaves dishonestly and badly. Then the consultant calls on her to describe the situation on behalf of her husband.

You should have seen what bewilderment, embarrassment and confusion on the face of the wife. Oh, how she doesn’t want to put herself in the place of her husband and look at the situation and herself with his eyes. “After all, your husband would probably have told the same thing differently. Now we’ll invite him - how will he talk about it?” “Well, he’ll mess up here. I’m telling you how it really was ...”
Her husband will show himself no better (and, most likely, worse) in a similar situation.
And try it yourself: remember the situation of the last domestic quarrel and try to describe the situation and yourself through the eyes of the one with whom you quarreled! And it’s hard, and I don’t feel like it, because you look unattractive.
The couple had lived together for more than ten years, had already had a big fight many times, but put themselves in the other person’s place, looked at his family with his eyes, tried to understand him — no, that’s not enough time, or rather, the mind and mental strength. Are you ready for such an experiment?
It is not at all complicated for those who do not swear, but listen to the opinion of another, even in a quarrel. “I see the problem like this. And how are you?"
YOU CAN'T CONSIDER THAT RIGHTS UNTIL YOU LOOK AT THE SITUATION THROUGH THE EYES OF ANOTHER PARTY
Here is another similar experiment, revealing mutual understanding between spouses and, by the way, contributing to its improvement. Spouses are given pieces of paper, and they must (each separately from each other) add unfinished proposals. What kind? For example, the phrase "I value most in you ..." is proposed - and we need to add 5-10 points, suppose: decency, sense of humor, justice, your salary, love for me, tolerance ... Everyone writes what is important to him.
If a couple has a dysfunctional relationship, they are usually offered the following phrases:
- I am often annoyed in you ...(they write quickly and energetically. "Is it possible more than 10 points?").
- I want you to…(also write without difficulty).
- I appreciate in you ...(This is already much more complicated. "And can it be less than 5 points?" It seems that they remember something: apparently, what they valued in each other before. But a useful question, isn’t it?).
- He doesn’t like about me ... He wants me to ... He appreciates in me ...(all these points go with great difficulty, people with intense interest begin to look at each other, as if for the first time ...).
But we must warn that it is impossible, for example, to write like "It annoys you that you are selfish."
What is meant here? That my husband likes to watch TV, and not do lessons with his son or does nothing at home? (Or: “What will he eat in the morning, but he won’t wash the dishes after himself?”) Then, please write this. Otherwise, what you wrote is incomprehensible, but it can hurt another.

Nobody has canceled the old rule: "One cannot criticize a person, only his actions can criticize (naturally, benevolently and constructively)." Now, after fulfilling this condition, the spouses can exchange leaflets and discuss what is written. As a rule, this causes lively interest and violent emotions. Many things become discoveries for them, and if the discussion goes in a constructive direction, it gives a lot to both.
It is clear that similar experiments can be carried out not only in family counseling and not necessarily in writing. In some simpler and more flexible form, all this can happen in the framework of a regular conversation between spouses.

For example, in the evening we walk with my wife, and among other conversations you can play this:
- Let's get the fortune! What do you value most in me ... (And if I forget something, my wife will remind me, and I will be pleased. If I call something and meet my wife's surprised eyes, there will be something to discuss.)
- Do you want me to "do more with children" - I myself want this. “Less often went on business trips” - and I want the same thing, but I earn money there, and money is always needed. (And to something I will answer: “No, I have my own plans.”)
“You don’t like about me and it’s often annoying that ... (you have to accept it as immutable, that in almost any, most prosperous and loving couple, there is always something that the other does not like. It’s not worth making a secret or a problem from this.” Yes, you don’t like this about me. I don’t like this on my own, but I can’t do anything. Second: you don’t like that about me. I struggle with this and ask for your help. annoying such and such is your problem, let's fight your annoyance. ”)
If such conversations become a family tradition, spouses will never be bored, and spiritual alienation is unlikely to threaten them.
Of course, all this suggests that spouses are able to talk on such topics and to listen to each other elementarily.

Soul, open up! - None of the birds ...

The only point that most families are unanimous is that everyone would like to see the child’s film and everyone objects to the child seeing the parents’s film.
As for the husband-wife relationship, the answers are very different. There are no strict statistics, but, as a rule, the picture is as follows. A small part of the respondents are simply confused, they find it difficult to decide - to show? no? give a look? not to give? - and do not give specific answers. Many firmly state that none of this is necessary. I won’t show my own, and I don’t want to watch it. Do not.
Apparently, their motto verified by life is: “You know less, sleep better”.
A significant part (also, as a rule, resolutely and categorically) says so: “I won’t show my own, but I would have looked: you have to be in the know!”
The minority (for some reason, more often people are quiet and a little sad, more often women) answer differently: “I’ll show something to myself, but I’m afraid to watch it. As long as we live normally, I’ll see something wrong there ... No, do not".
And quite a few give unexpected reactions. They are simply amazed: “But where does the movie come from? It’s accepted in our family and without films - we all know about each other. I know about everything that he had and has. What I have in my life and my soul - I telling him. We have no secrets from each other. "

All these families in life are. They are very different. But the question arises: "Which of them are the strongest?" I would like to answer that the strongest are the families with the greatest frankness. Alas, this is not so. Observations show that both open and “closed” families break up with approximately equal probability.
In one family, the spouses are frank, frank, and frank - they had to leave. You can fully open only with completely mentally healthy people - do you know a lot of such people?
And the other family lives simply: the husband brings money, does not go to the side, the wife leads the economy, raises children, loves her husband. So they live: without any unnecessary frank conversations. Whoever thinks, feels, is not particularly interested in anyone, and no one says anything superfluous. And everything is fine, the family is good, strong.
But another question can be posed: "And if there are two equally strong families, but one has open, sincere conversations, and the other doesn’t, which family will have more intimacy, warmth, love, happiness?" Here we can already say with greater confidence - rather, in the one where the spouses are open to each other. Openness, frankness gives understanding and intimacy, and without understanding and intimacy it is difficult to imagine love and true happiness.
From the frequency of repetition, truth is not erased: "Happiness is when you are understood."
Strong and happy families are not the same thing. There are strong families, but without warmth and happiness, but there are happy but fragile ones. Of course, the ideal option is to build strong relationships in the family and, on their basis, nurture an atmosphere of warm, trusting communication. It’s not a shame to invite love and happiness into such a family.
One way or another, everyone will agree that trust in the family is a great value, it must be created and protected.

Who is the truth being told?

Everything will be clear from the examples. The husband happily tells his wife that they have a new employee at work - smart, she knows the job very well, and most importantly - a great person - funny, sweet and, by the way, outwardly pretty ... And for some reason, the wife is not enthusiastic and, moreover, begins releasing taunts to her husband. Sooner or later he will feel it - so what? Apparently, he will remain at his own thoughts, but will move away from his wife: she does not understand him here.
And here is a short story: "Cranberries in sugar."
I went for a walk with friends. We see that cranberries in sugar are sold (I could not believe my eyes!) - a pink memory of childhood ... Nevertheless, I am indifferent to it, but my friends caught fire, but, it turns out, cranberries are sold only with a "load". The guys got a little sad - why do they need some more canned goods in their own juice? and I told them: "Do you want to buy without a load? - Well, you won’t buy it!" It’s good that I know how to use my rights, too. I went to the saleswoman, talked with her for a minute, everything is fine: she sold the guys three packs, as they wanted. I, pleased, come home and, joyful, I tell everything to my wife ... Her reaction: "Cranberries in sugar ... My beloved ... And you did not buy? How could you ?!" - and looks at me as an enemy of the people.
In my opinion, this is a completely normal, natural reaction. But is it easier for me?
My reaction: “Alla, okay, I was wrong. But if you look at me like that, I still won’t become a person who never makes mistakes. But there’s one more or two such situations, and I just won’t tell you what’s happening and when it happens. I don’t like it when you look at me like this (showed how), but I like it more when you look at me like that (also showed how). "
How difficult it is - by my impulsive reaction not to destroy frankness, not to provoke a lie - I know from myself. I love my wife. But, in particular, my love for her is manifested in the fact that I want her to do exercises. The main thing is that she and I have discussed this more than once, she agrees and even promised. Nevertheless, I come home in the evening, I ask her:
"Did you do exercises today?" - she replies: "No." What should I do? If I start to be indignant, say: "Well, how so, because you promised!" and other fair, but unpleasant things for her, what will happen the next day? I will ask her: "Did you do exercises?" “She will say yes.” And in fact? Did not do. She's lying, but who is to blame? - I AM.

Or a problem with the children. Run from the street wet to the ears and with bruises: "Fought? - Fought." You scold - the next day they will run the same, but to the question "Have you fought?" they will answer: "No, they have fallen." They lie, and who accustoms them to lies? Parents.
And if sometimes girls ask me: "But why is my young man lying to me all the time?" (the question is pretty typical), I immediately look at her eyes. And if I see that lightnings are hidden in my eyes, just a little ashes, then, apparently, the answer is clear.
Now, when she becomes a person to whom it is not dangerous to tell the truth, then they will begin to tell her the truth.
LIE TO WHOM THE TRUTH IS DANGEROUS

Not a drop of cold, sharp, evil!

   "Do not be afraid, please, Dr. Leo!"
   He will look into the animal’s throat first
   And he will write an urgent prescription for the patient:
   "Pills, potion and a warm word,
   Compress, rinse and kind word,
   Mustard plasters, banks and a gentle word, -
   Not a drop of cold, sharp, evil!
   Without a kind word, without a warm word,
   Without a gentle word, they don’t treat a patient! "
   Yunna Moritz

I would have hung these verses in all polyclinics, in all schools and in every home - after all, each of us is “sick” in our own way, and each of us cannot be “not a bit cold, sharp, evil.”

And now let me ask you this question: "Do you admit that you can hit someone close or dear to you? Push it away? Prick it up? Give a kick? Crack your head against the wall? Smudge your face on the table?"
Sorry, I forgot one word - not physically, but morally! That is, with a look, words, intonation ...
If I understand correctly, then most intelligent people believe that this is quite acceptable, at least they themselves allow it to themselves.
After all, he didn’t hit, but only said. Not hit, not hit!
And, without really thinking, we can once hurt (morally), crush (psychologically), destroy (morally), incinerate with silence, torment with silence, torment with uncertainty, trample by direct speech, shoot with epithets, and nor do you consider yourself an executioner at all. After all, not physically, but morally. We know perfectly well that this is no less painful, but rather even more. But this is exactly what suits us, we want to inject more painfully. And when I hear: "To kill you is not enough!" - I believe that this is not just a metaphor: all this is being done.
Look with your eyes on your family: what pictures will appear? What is swearing if not an ordinary scuffle? Are you participating in this scuffle?
ROUGHNE IS AN ORDINARY FOOTBALL. DO YOU PARTICIPATE IN THIS?
But first, let's take a look at some everyday things, at least how we talk to each other.

Kostya and Lida: everyday trifles

We walk around the autumn park: my wife and I and our friends - Kostya and Lida, a married couple. We’re talking about nothing, but suddenly she turns to him: “There’s a toilet, run, otherwise you always have problems ...” She has such humor, and this is him to strangers.
No need for such humor!
Kostya has a brother Volodya, he often visits them, and Lida is friends with him. Suddenly Kostya remembered:
“Yes, Lead, you know, Volodya’s birthday is tomorrow!”
“Well, what have you not said before ?!”
Reproach ... - and the point is not even that he is deserved or not. This is a rebuke-kick-kick to her husband — instead of gratitude for prompting, instead of joy, that tomorrow may be a holiday.
Farther:
- Listen, Lead, let's wave to them tomorrow, congratulations, sit well ...
“What smart person are you, and where will I get the child?”
- Well, let me talk to your mother, maybe she will sit?
- She already works, there is no need to hang a child on her neck.
- Yah you! Will you ever come to an agreement ?! (pouted, shut up ...)
Interestingly, comments are needed here? Almost through the word - objections, ridicule, accusations. The funny thing is that this is issued even without irritation, as a norm of communication. Bone's final offense is no more intelligent than Lida's previous reactions.
Move on. He carries a stroller in which their three month old son. There are puddles on the road, and he does not always go round them successfully. Lida can't stand it:
- Well, where are you in a puddle, you can not carry a stroller like normal people?
I am interested in:
- Listen, and if Kostya were not your husband, but your lover, would you tell him that?
“Of course not, but this is a husband ...”
No need for her husband to make comments! At least in this form and in such a tone.
Indeed, it is interesting: she has negative emotions, just that, they go directly, without delay. The brakes are off: you’ve already married, why take care of yourself!
A bright situation is described in the book of V.I. Zatsepina "Matrimonial Life". The man tells why (among other reasons) he divorced: “I wake up in the morning, the mood is great. I rise on the elbow, I want to kiss my wife,” he suddenly sharply displeased: “Oh, it hurts!” It turns out I pressed and pulled her hair ... Yes, my current mistress will take off all my hair in general, if only I were with her! "
We are at Kostya and Lida in the country. Lida was itchy and itchy about the fact that Kostya did not stand in line for cement: when they will bring it! Kostya was silent, and it seemed to me that he was all like peas against a wall. But suddenly he was cursing at her: she got it, they say. Around everyone they were indignant: what incontinence! Of course he was wrong. But it’s interesting: the fact that his wife blew him a bald spot - no one sees it, everyone considers it normal. And when he could not stand it - he was to blame.
No need to itch, grumble and nag! Whoever does this does not saw the spouse, but family relationships.
Kostya, as he claims, comes to the country to rest. Indeed, although he sometimes works on the site and walks with the child, objectively, he is engaged in summer cottage activities less than others. Mother-in-law (giving her) is unhappy with her son-in-law, and does not hide this.
I keep pondering: if he leaves, will his mother-in-law's affairs be easier or harder to cope with? Although at least a little, but it helps, and at least a little, but he is engaged in a child (by the way, not bad). Why is help not appreciated, but only annoyance is visible from the fact that he could do more?

Kostya is not very diplomatic, and his next conversation with his mother-in-law ends with a remark to Lida: "It is impossible to live with your parents!"
I think that if he had graduated not from a vocational school, but from a cadet corps, this same idea would have sounded differently: "Lida, dear, I appreciate your parents, but I can’t build relationships with them."
Well, the last thing I should notice: both Kostya and Lida are not shy to express unflattering assessments about each other both in the eyes and behind the eyes.
Well, "Seeing a break in the ocean of a neighbor, he doesn’t look in his own lower beam ..." A wish on this score was worked out, probably, from the moment the family and writing appeared: "Try not to speak badly about anyone, especially about your spouse." In addition, remember the harsh: "I was and will be a good husband to you, but if you consider me a bad husband, you will not have any husband."

Is it possible to do without abuse?

The hardest thing to talk to is swearing. Swearing is aggressive and sluggish, on business and without, from morning to evening. Is it possible to live in a family without swearing? I'm sure you can. Indeed, just as any situation can be made “abusive”, in any situation one can do without rudeness.
In our family, swearing is equated to assault and therefore prohibited. We may be unhappy with each other, but you can’t swear. Everything that is said rudely can be said tactfully.
For example, the wife put her boots on the battery. The husband saw and:
“Do you think or not ?!” Who puts wet boots on the battery? They will dry up in two of you, but I’m not Rockefeller and I don’t want to hunch over.
In my opinion, this is the beginning of a quarrel. And here is another option:
- You put the boots on the battery, in my opinion, you risk ...
- What is it?
- Yes, everywhere they write that if you want shoes to serve you for more than a month, but still longer, never dry them on a battery. You just need to cram inside the newspapers, that's better.
“Honey, you won’t do all this?”
- Good. (This is the intonation from the "Do not like it - do it yourself" series)

EVERYTHING SPEAKED ABOUTLY COULD BE TAKEN TACTICAL

Psychological workshop

About gratitude and vice versa

What is the harmful feature of our soul - why do we first notice the bad? Why do spouses' shortcomings creep into the eyes, and not his dignity? Why don't we appreciate the good that he does (or at least tries to do) for us? The wife is delayed, comes later than the husband, he is hungry.
- Where was she?
“You know, she was late in the store, she stood in line ...”
- Could not stand!
So the wife turned out to be bad. (The overtones are clearly audible: “Fool” and “doing stupid things.”) And the fact that she cares about her husband and family? .. Minus is noticed, plus - no. Yes, the husband is hungry, respectively evil, but after such a conversation, the wife will become evil.

The wife complains about her husband, talks about how poorly and ineptly he washes the floor. What do I think about this?
Firstly, it’s stupid that she swears - this will beat off the desire to mop the floor, and, perhaps, the desire to live with her. In any case, it is obvious that scolding is not the best way to teach him how to clean floors. Well, and secondly, do you often meet a husband washing floors?
Yes, he bought unsuccessful meat and forgot to buy bread, but he goes to the shops! Yes, he did not wash the dishes after he fed himself and the children, but he fed himself and the children! Yes, the wife is slow, the wife is a hoof, but she tries to do everything as best as possible! Yes, the wife's figure went bad after giving birth, but she gave birth to your children!
"What we have is not appreciated ..."

There was no sadness - we got married ...

Interesting: a sharp increase in ingratitude, as a rule, begins from the moment of the wedding. Indeed, we will analyze two similar situations, but one beforeand the other aftermarriage

Before: he came to visit her, she asks him: "Oh, you know, our bread is over. Do not you run away?" He: "What a conversation! Now, instantly!" - He came running, brought a loaf of bread, she meets him: "You are so sweet, caring ... Thank you!" (kisses). He is pleased - he did a little, but it turned out well.
Now After: the husband went to the market (more precisely, he was sent to the market), brings 20 kg of potatoes. I'm tired. The door opens, his wife meets him: “What is so small? ..” - with displeased intonation. And that’s all he will hear. All! The fact that he spent time and energy is now not noticed. He is a husband! He must! And if he should, he reports, and they report him.
And if the potato is small, or expensive, or of poor quality, or “where did you hang around for so long”, or “why didn’t you buy carrots” - all this will now be expressed to him.
That is, now that he has married, he does objectively more for her, for the family, but receives less! It’s not even that less, it gets it in a different place! And he does not like it, because it is unfair!

But perhaps only wives relate to husbands, and husbands relate to wives differently? No matter how!
She cooks breakfast for him, sometimes lunch, always dinner, and does her husband eat and his eyes glow with gratitude? Instead of a thank you, the wife hears only: “Every day is the same thing. When will you learn to cook?” She erases him, darnes, strokes, he: "Well, what is so badly washed?" She cleans the apartment, often behind him, he comes, casts an appraising glance: "What kind of mess is this for you? If you cleaned it, you still do nothing!" - and that’s all she will hear in gratitude for her work.
After that, I don’t want to do anything. And he doesn’t, or does worse, without a soul, respectively, giving reasons already for fair complaints.
And off ...

What to do?

Don't you think the answer lies on the surface? See how simple it was: everything was so good until they got married, and so quickly it became bad after they did it. So what is needed, or rather, what does not need to be done? - No need to get married!
Of course, this is a joke. But there is a joke in every joke, and the rest is true. Indeed, what if you do not get married?
That is, since you are serious people, then go, register your relationship, let everyone consider you a husband and wife, and you know for yourself that in fact nothing has changed between you, you remained free people.
And as she treated him before, so let him relate after - after all, he did not become her husband, did not become her property. The same applies to him. And let them live as a family, not believing that another now has additional responsibilities. At you - appear, at another - not.
Let the husband say this: "If I love my wife and want us to have a good family, I owe it. And my wife does not owe me anything." And let the wife think the same way: "My husband owes me nothing. But if I want to have a husband and have a family, I should."
Like this? And is it good?
Here is another situation. I wake up early in the morning, I need to quickly pack up: I'm flying on a business trip. I understand that I don’t have time already: things are not all gathered, but it would be nice to have breakfast. My wife is lying, but she could probably stand up and help me ... I’m ready to express my reproaches to her, but I stop myself at once: “But does this woman, your beloved wife, owe you something? No. But if you want so that she gets up and helps you, what should you do? "... It’s good to ask her: so that she wants to help you." And if she gets up and does everything, what will the husband have to tell her? - Thank. And if she doesn’t get up (“I didn’t get enough sleep, the child didn’t let me sleep all night”), what should my husband do? At least not to be offended, and maybe apologize for the anxiety.
I wonder if wives would like them to have such husbands? - A husband who will always turn to her only kindly will never reproach him, but will say thanks for her help and care from a pure heart? Yes, many dream of such a husband. But, probably, then husbands would like to have such wives.
Imagine: a husband goes home - and is not afraid to go home, because his wife never swears! What a curse: after all, he owes her nothing. And he expects kind words from his wife, because she always thanks him for the good.
Yes, just a husband came home - this is a gift. The appearance of the husband home is a real family holiday!
But is that not so? Joking as a joke, just imagine for a moment that your husband, even if not ideal, is no longer in the world and he will never appear on your doorstep again ...
If someone did not guess - all of the above applies in the opposite direction. Beloved woman came to you - celebrate!
But not in the sense of "become even more idle." On the contrary, you can help her and at least free her hands from the bags.

So maybe it really makes sense to try: not to curse - not to get married?

Instead of swearing

There are a few more tips to help you get along without a fight. For example: "Do not like it - do not swear, but help."
Indeed, it is rare that a husband or wife does something badly intentionally. More often there is another reason: either fatigue or inability. So what's the point of swearing? Better help: teach if you can’t, tell me if you don’t know, or just help if the other does not have enough time or energy.
The following rule is perceived somewhat more difficult. I myself did not like it at first, it seemed tough, not hearty. I looked closely - no, it does not interfere with loving each other, but it saves us from quarrels. The rule is: "Do not like it - do not swear, do not blame the other, but do it yourself whatever you want and how you want."
This rule works simply. My wife does not like, for example, how I wash the dishes - what’s the matter, dear, wash her yourself: the way you want! But in another case: for example, I am constantly outraged by the disorder in our refrigerator - everything is heaped up, mixed up, as a result, a lot goes bad. Well, you can’t do that! I just wanted to scold my wife, but then I remembered the rule.
I do not like? Take it, dear, and do everything as you like. Put things in order in the refrigerator as you like. Children run in wet tights, fight, and no one does it. Where's the wife? And what's the matter, dear, the one who is dissatisfied can help the one with whom he is dissatisfied. And everything will be in order: without swearing.
DON'T CRASH, HELP OR MAKE IT YOURSELF

Leave the irritation behind the threshold

Another typical cause of family quarrels is spouse fatigue and annoyance.
The husband wiped the floor (behind the child) and, without thinking, threw the floor rag into the kitchen sink. His wife told him ... He took out a rag, carried it where necessary, rinsed the sink, and his wife still cursed ... Why are you beating him? Are you tired?
Yes, it’s hard not to lose one's temper: any excuse infuriates when the soul is already wound up, when you are tired and annoyed. But breaking off is impossible, and this is also annoying ...
What can be done here? I solve this issue for myself as follows. Firstly, one should notice his irritation in time. You walk along the street, look at the faces: if you see people who are pretty, good, kind - everything is in order, the soul is set up correctly. If, as on purpose, people are gathered around with faces that look disgusting: ugly, angry, stop! It is unlikely that yesterday there were some people around you, and today they are completely different. Most likely, you are tired (or sick), in short - annoyed. I get it. Be careful: if everything at home seems to you in a "black light", this is no longer suitable. Therefore, when you open the door and enter home, rather come and kiss your wife - this is the best cure for a bad mood. If she responds to your warmth in the same way, the soul will be filled with warmth, irritation will pass. Doesn't help - try again.

If you still have a bad mood and still want to bite, you need to go back to your wife, but this time ask her: “I have a big request for you. I feel bad or tired, in short - angry and annoyed "I’ll try to restrain myself, but if I accidentally break loose - don’t be offended, please! I will try. But you, please, try to be indulgent to me today. Okay?" Really will not consider? Most likely, you will find understanding. You look, and will do without lightning discharges.

In addition, I will never enter into any contacts in the family and will not begin to do anything until I put myself in order. It’s better to lie down in complete relaxation for 10 minutes and then do things, than to get tired of getting into a scandal, sort things out and then “lick your wounds” until night. On the other hand, if I see that my wife is in a tired and abusive mood, I will not let her into any business. I’ll take it, put it under the shower, let it come to its senses, and then you can do the housework with her.
The tradition is widespread in India: when a tired husband comes from work, the wife takes off his sandals and gives him a foot massage. After that, the husband is peppy and loving. Of course, this is possible only in India, it is not possible with us. Yes?!
BEFORE YOU DO ANYTHING, BECOME YOURSELF AND OTHER ORDER

Do not shoot without warning!

FROMthe next important point to prevent a quarrel is the most common warning. Do not accumulate irritation if something is not pleasant - tell about it. Not rude, humanly, but say - do not be silent!
Third joke
Again our married couple. Kostya also likes to joke. Once he joked with Lida - he is funny, but she - no. Two joked - and she clenched her teeth. Three joked, and she unclenched her teeth ... She told him everything she thought of him (bad). In general, it didn’t work out very well. They quarreled.
He, of course, was wrong, but, apparently, if she had immediately warned him about her mood, would he really have stopped?
Kostya after proctology
Kostya was in proctology - hemorrhoids. Nothing, everything happens. After some time, we had a conversation with him. He (sadly):
- I will leave from Lida. - Why?
- (I named several reasons, among them :) Can you imagine, because after the hospital I need diet food, but she doesn’t cook anything specially! I have been bleeding from this for two months, did not heal! Well, what do you say?
“Did you tell her that you need to eat differently now?”
- Here's another, I must guess.
Like this. She gave him two months that it was impossible to give, he ate it for two months, was silent and angry. He was angry and silent.
DO NOT STOP AN IRRITATION. SOMETHING DOESN'T LIKE - DO NOT BE SILENT, SAY ABOUT IT

Let's look at a more typical situation. The wife decided to restore order at home, tidied everything up, and, most importantly, washed the floors to a shine. I'm tired Suddenly a husband comes and, of course, without hesitation paces in dirty boots on a clean floor. My wife has a rag in her hands. What will she do?
Her feelings are clear. But, on the other hand, what did the husband get for? Is he on purpose? How does he know? Did you warn him? Have you asked? - Apologize to him.
"Must understand it myself!" - you can say. No, this is the path to conflict. If everything is clear to you, do not hope that the other will understand everything, provide for it. It is important for you - do not be lazy, warn! Do not warn - blame yourself.
IMPORTANT TO YOU - WARNING. DO NOT WARN - FACE YOURSELF

Do not hit the victim

A frequent situation: someone, a husband or wife, inadvertently did a stupid thing and seriously failed another, caused material or other damage to the family. How to react to this? For example, the husband lost 1000 rubles. Dear wives, your reaction? (For whom 1000 rubles is not money, the amount increases to 10,000 or more rubles, and you can even dollars ...) Gathering about this "public opinion" of women, I met with a wide variety of views.
Worthy of attention, apparently, is the answer of one energetic lady: "I will eat it." The graduate student, probably a humanist, thoughtfully said: “Well, I won’t kill him ...” You see how kind she is - she won’t kill.

On the other hand, in my soul and memory I still have the story of a middle-aged teacher. “I had this situation. It was a long time ago when money was in price, but we didn’t have it. I have the last ruble left in my pocket, there is nobody else to borrow. I’m waiting for my husband with a salary. Suddenly the door opens, the husband enters, pale, long face. “You know, I lost my entire salary - 100 rubles.” Something seemed to break off inside me ... But to meet him he escaped: “Let's go to the cinema!” He told me: “You didn't understand - I I’ve lost all my pay, you and I don’t have more money! ”I:“ No, I understand, but I have a ruble. ”And we went to the cinema. He then remembered this situation all my life (in ! Irrigating sense) sometimes ask: "What, you did not feel sorry for money? - Well, yes, how pathetic ... "
I think this woman acted wisely.
I remember how at the age of about 12 I was sent to the market and I lost 10 rubles. I walked around the house for two hours: I was afraid that they would scold!
Or another case: my parents and I were on a camping trip (parents took care of our development with my sister), I went to chop wood and chopped an ax with my hatchet on my leg. Then it turned out - it was okay, only soft tissues were hurt and everything healed in a few weeks, and then I watched the blood flow, cried, imagined myself disabled, but sat for 40 minutes without responding to the aukan! I was afraid to go out to my parents, because I was cursed for my mistakes.

And after that I gave myself the vow that in my family everything will be different and where understanding and sympathy are required, it will be. Indeed, let us reason. If the husband lost some money, is this a total loss? Yes. But who is more worried? The one who lost the money, in this case the husband. But if the family has a common loss, and one of the spouses is experiencing more, what should the other, loving? Comfort, reassure, give emotional support.
By the way, the more one was lost, the ... Yes, the more emotional support he has the right to count on.
My wife would try to scold me if I lost money! "I feel so bad, and you are sure that I just need these words from you?" - anyway, I would stop her. But even if the wife is the culprit of the loss of money, it will be the same as in the situation that I already cited at the beginning of the book.

Part 2. ART OF COMMUNICATION

(philosophy and technical details)

There is such a technique!

Once I decided to enter the faculty of psychology, because, as I was told, harmoniously developed people are educated there.
It was a shameless lie, but how grateful I am to the one who invented it!
Among the many unnecessary books that comprehensively discussed eye movement from right to left and left to right, I tirelessly searched for what I needed: something that would teach me how to live, that could change me, help me become happy. At the same time, tuned extremely practical, most of all I was looking for TECHNIQUES, TECHNOLOGIES: how this is done.
And found nothing - or almost nothing -.
The conversation with Adolf Ulyanovich Kharash, a psychologist, teacher, respected and beloved at the faculty, in my opinion, all without exception, was clearly deposited in my memory. I turned to him, the Authority, with a burning question: “Can I learn to communicate? And if so, how can I learn and master the TECHNOLOGY of communication?”
The calmly thoughtful answer of Harash discouraged me: "You can probably learn to communicate. But there is no communication technique."
Then I did not believe it. I do not believe this today; Moreover, today I can say: "There is such a technique!"
Although wise A.U. Harash, of course, is right. There is no technique that in itself would make a person different: from a prickly and tense one, it would turn into a fluently swimming in the elements of communication. A technique begins to work only when a person begins to change. It all starts with the soul, not with technology.
But there are, of course, rules that increase the effectiveness of communication and interactions. Elementary tips from Dale Carnegie - do not interrupt, listen, do not mind, try to agree, do not blame, find and say good, pleasant - this is a technique. Another thing is WHAT this technique is used for and what it MEANS for a person.
I can smile, because SO IT IS NECESSARY FOR THE RULES, but I can because I raised my soul and I began to like people. I can refrain from criticism only because I remember its inefficiency, and I can because I see, first of all, the good that the person did, and I want to say about it, and not about what he did not succeed. Outwardly, it seems to be one and the same. And in the depths - a completely different approach to people and life.

Technique really starts to work when it is harmonious with mental movements. Mental movements always go ahead; the technique only draws them up, corrects them, but isn’t it necessary? And, perhaps, the most important thing - for many people, the education of the soul began precisely with the study and assimilation of the rules of communication. Technique does not replace the soul, but good and wise rules can be a guideline indicating what our soul should strive for.
With such settings, talking about communication techniques becomes necessary.

Simple secrets of conflict-free

Turn on mental vision

Hi always see a man as a nesting doll: he is there, inside him there is one more - internal, inside that one - still deep - and so on; little men in a big man. At the same time, it is obvious that every little man has his own world, his own space, his own vision and hearing.
Through the eyes of a person - external or internal - do you often look at the world?
Since some time, I perceive everything that happens in the psychological space between people as clearly as the expressions of their faces. Behind each phrase with its unique intonation for me is something visual: warmth, light, stroking or blow, injection, a bucket of mud ...
Often in a conversation I say words, thinking little about their specific meaning, but only watching the picture of Paul between me and my interlocutor: watching how soft words relieve tension, how energetic - whip up sprawling, and bright and warm - bring us closer to each other. And now the black inclusions are leaving, between us there is more and more clear, clean field - the field of understanding and agreement.
Try to look at your conversation with the same eyes - and maybe with the help of the following simple tips you will make it not so tough? muddy? scratchy?

Create a warm atmosphere

The first and main rule was formulated many centuries ago: "The most important person in the world is the one who is in front of you." If the Interlocutor has appeared before you, only two should remain for you in the whole Cosmos - he and you, and He is in the center. A pillar of light is around it, but outside this light is nothing, emptiness, darkness. And then you will see him, and only him.
THE MOST IMPORTANT MAN IN THE LIGHT - THOSE WHO BEFORE YOU
A person can be rude and inattentive, stupid or aggressive, but the less you will hurt and annoy, the more talented you are as an interlocutor. Accept it for what it is. Highest - love it. At least,
Try to make the person you likeand when that happens, do not hide it. Give him signs of sympathy and respect.
In the phrase "they came together" I like both senses; after all, in order to be someone “suitable”, one must approach one’s soul, approach one, take steps towards one.
MAKE SURE YOU LIKE YOUR NEIGHBOR

Look for what brings you together

Style, manner of communication - the more in this you will have similarities with the interlocutor (up to the pace of speech, intonation and timbre of the voice), the better. The more accurately you attach to it, the easier it will be for both of you.
Opinions, values, attitudes - the less disagreement you find in this, the better. No need to be a hypocrite, but you can and must wean yourself from the habit of contradicting for any reason. On the contrary, train yourself to find something that can bring you closer.
LOOK FOR WHAT YOU NEAR

Tune in to the wave of the interlocutor

Each of us has its own music. Her melody and tonality, as a rule, vary from situation to situation. But what will happen if you, not hearing the interlocutor’s melody, lead your own? From such an overlay only cacophony will be born. Your souls will not meet. Therefore, before you start to sound yourself, listen to the tone of the interlocutor.
Feel that it EXCITS.
Listen, ponder this word: WAVE. See the emotional excitement (not necessarily STORM) that determines the weather in the emotional world of your interlocutor.
What excites your interlocutor should EXCIT you as well. You must understand and share his experiences. If his emotions and attitudes are unacceptable to you, if you strongly dislike his emotional weather - all the same, first become his "one-man", and only then -
Tune the interlocutor to the wave you need.

Naturally, there should be certainty in speech, but it should not be confused with sharpness and categorization, often, by the way, very vague in content. Here, for example, is the "magnificent" phrase "Some nonsense!" - what are you trying to say?
You have "nonsense" and it’s not clear what: "some." Then, it is unclear - all the said "nonsense" or partially? And if in part - then which part is nonsense, and which is not? And by the way, why are you so categorical? You see, everything is very vague, but you already managed to be rude.

Do not touch without need

Do you like communication in which the interlocutor always climbs on a pedestal and shoves you into a dirty puddle? One who tries to demonstrate superiority in communication does essentially the same thing. To prevent this from happening, build communication on an equal footing, not in a position from above.
Building communication "on an equal footing" is justified because it is this kind of communication that your interlocutors usually expect from you. But it may be in conflict with your boss, if he is confident in his position from above and expects from you, albeit a small, but still an extension from below. And the one who sees the Elder in you, on an equal footing can be shocked both in the direction of admiration and in the direction of disappointment ...
Do not hurt what is dear to a person: people of his circle, his hobbies, ideals and values.
If you are not a racist or a fool, you will not insult the national dignity of a person.
Be careful in your statements about the profession, otherwise to the contemptuous one: “Traders ...” you can hear quiet from your interlocutor: “And I am studying at a technical school ...” As for art, here are excerpts from various conversations I heard (edited): “Pugacheva - it’s consumer goods, not art ”,“ Your crazy Leontief ”,“ Schizophrenic Shostakovich ”.
This style of communication figuratively reminds me of teenagers poking each other with rusty nails.
Even in an already minimally tense situation, be extremely attentive to your value judgments, especially negative ones. It is better to do without them, and if you can’t succeed, speak out in a softly subjective manner.
It's one thing to say: "An empty film," another - "You know, I don't like comedy." It’s risky to speak about someone: “A strange person,” but you can always say: “He is incomprehensible to me.”
In all these, more accurately and calmly constructed language constructions, it is obvious that it is not “he” that is so objective, in essence for everyone and always, but I see and feel him that way, I have such a relationship with him.

Beating under the sign of humor

Without humor, life is fresh and monotonous. Humor is beautiful, but not so harmless, especially from the lips of a simple wild man. Humor can bring to white heat, not even holding evil on a person. What is good between friends and in a good mood, in other cases will create a thunderstorm.
Humor is different. There is abstract humor about life; it will be fun for everyone and no one will be offended. There is humor "for yourself." “I'm funny” is acceptable and good if a person is not afraid to be in the role of a “jester”. There is humor "we are funny" - between friends it is always good, bosses and some other neurotic people perceive this kind of humor badly. But one of the most widespread and at the same time the most dangerous types of humor is humor directed at another: "you are funny." "A-ha-ha." It’s funny to everyone except who they laugh at. If he is offended, he can be hit again: "Well, don’t you understand humor?" If you value your good mood and those around you before thinking about the joke, think about the consequences.
I do not argue - it’s very pleasant to prick with impunity. But, firstly, it happens very rarely with impunity, and secondly, the higher a person’s moral development, the less encouraging is his ability to stab someone ...
TAKE CARE OF AN INTERIOR: RELEASE IT FROM PUNCHES, OFFICIALS AND CHARGES

Let me correct you?

Here is such a hairdryer en ", - my interlocutor summed up." Yes, this is an interesting hair dryer aboutmen! "- I agreed. The interlocutor looked at me with a strange look ...
Why did I, even if not involuntarily, poke his nose with his wrong emphasis? He was hardly determined to take Russian lessons from me!
If you are so smart that you noticed a mistake or inaccuracy of the interlocutor, maybe you have enough intelligence to keep this discovery to yourself? If you really want to fix it, do it as tactfully as possible.
He states: "This is impossible!" - and you know that he is wrong. But you do not mind and do not “poke his nose” at his mistake, but agree with him: “Yes, this is not easy to do.”
As for the tips, they rarely teach, but often angry. Therefore, for those who like to give advice, I advise you - give them only when asked, and only those for whom you will be grateful.
The phrase "Think Another Time!" - not advice at all, it's a dumb blow to the head.

Diplomacy is the art of negotiation

I give a verbatim record of the conversation of candidates of sciences at the department of one humanitarian institute:
- This topic is not ours, it should be excluded.
- No, this is our topic, we must include it.
“But do you understand what this is about?”
- I see.
“Well, what do you understand?”
- I understand.
- After all, when you speak, you need to understand what you are talking about ... This is “a cow and a saddle”!
This is the culture of conversation. Listen - your arguments and arguments of your friends are very different from the presented sample? And which way?

Don't argue

Having your opinion and disagreeing is your right, and the ability to have an independent, dogma-free look is the dignity of a mature person. But the desire to always object and argue, as a rule, is a sign of immaturity. Unfortunately, more often you find timid, non-independent thinking, perfectly combined with a tendency to argue.
Purely teenage phenomenon: "And to argue!" Where is it from? Well, yes, here is the desire to assert oneself, and the excitement to fight and win. But note, the man himself sees it all differently: he is indignant at the wrongness of another and upholds the truth!
Unfortunately, for most of us, something like this persists throughout life. Why, faced with a different opinion, we are often in a hurry to object, rather than understand it? Usually in this case, we agree only when we can not object. And why not mind only when we can’t agree? As far as I understand, our intolerance prevents us from doing this.
Such non-Christian words of Christ: "He who is not with us is against us!" - for many, a living slogan of everyday life. Yes, intolerance has been taught to us since childhood. "Education of intransigence ...!", "Uncompromising struggle ...", "Intolerance to the manifestation of an ideology alien to us!" - All this has been heard from early school years. Well, we were brought up like that - we will have to re-educate ourselves. A difficult but necessary quality is tolerance for dissent and dissenters.
We must strive for agreement, but we should not be afraid of disagreements. Disagreements between people are quite natural and cannot be a reason for disappointment and discontent, quarrels and conflicts.
Have you noticed that you do not like (offends, annoys, outrages) when a person speaks across to you? And why, in fact, does it cause you such emotions? You are for the truth, but is he against? Yes, he understands it in a different way, but which of you is more right to judge, apparently, is not for you.

Do not argue over trifles.

Today, my loved ones argued for a long time and with ardor about how many degrees were yesterday: 15 or 17? Suppose one of them was wrong, but why should the other prove it, try to argue it?
Let the comrade be mistaken, but if his opinion does not bother anyone, leave him alone. This is his holy right: the right to one’s opinion and one’s point of view.
Do not argue with those with whom it is useless to argue (the interlocutor is short-sighted, but stubborn), and with those who are not going to argue with you.
When a person with clear eyes, pointing to white, tells you that it is black, the argument is meaningless. Such disagreements are resolved not by discussion, but by forceful positional struggle.
Do not argue with those who are more important to argue than to understand.
You prove one thing, and he will argue the opposite. You prove the opposite, and now he will prove the opposite to what he just said.
Of course, it can even be fun, but such entertainment is not always included in your plans.

And, most importantly, never start a dispute if you really want to figure something out, especially if you sort it out with your interlocutor. Why?

Disputes-bickering

It is widely believed that truth is born of controversy. I do not agree with this, but it would be foolish if I started to argue; I better agree with that.
Yes, it happens, sometimes truth can also be born in a dispute, but, as a rule, it is born there with such difficulty, in such torment that any humane person can only regret it.
Why torment the truth and the debaters, when there are much more favorable conditions for the emergence of truth into the world - a friendly and constructive discussion. But this is not an argument! An argument (at least in its traditional bickering form) is a meaningless and even harmful thing. Why? In a dispute, you want to win and, accordingly, cause your interlocutor to want to defeat you: defend your position and overturn yours. The more you press on him, the more he becomes stronger in his opinion. Do you want that?
And now, dear reader, catch yourself: do you want to argue with this?
In a dispute, I’m looking for where the other is wrong, I’m trying to destroy his position, and in the discussion, I’m looking for what our positions coincide, I’m trying to connect the interlocutor with my own. Dispute, controversy - destructive activity. The discussion is constructive. Where do we get closer to the truth?

An argument is an intellectual fight, and there are as many benefits to it as any fight.
Therefore, if you love the truth and protect relationships, do not provoke a dispute. Than? Firstly, categorical.

About categorical

“This cannot be, because it can never be.”
“You're wrong, and why, it's not your business.”

What more is hiding behind categoricality: limitations? lack of culture? self-doubt?
As long as I live, I watch myself for so much: what today (now) seems obvious, undeniable (and accordingly, what pulls me to speak harshly-temperamentally), after some time (when is the minute, when is the hour, when is several years) it becomes no longer very obvious, or even obvious exactly the opposite ... And, remembering his ardor and categoricalness, it becomes when it is funny, when it is sad, when it is shameful ...
It’s not even important whether you were right or not. It is important that the interlocutor at the same time feels disrespect for his opinion, and this restores him against you.
Avoid being categorical, especially objecting. Yes, it may seem to you something completely clear, but it is unlikely that your rigidity will be more convincing for the interlocutor of arguments. Make it a rule to do without harshness. Eliminate harsh value judgments and labels, ridicule and bring the interlocutor’s thoughts to absurdity.

Compare dictionaries?

Our native Russian (and already far from Pushkin) language is rich, but which pearls make up its asset? Let's just think ... Armor-piercing momentum: "Obviously, of course, undoubtedly, certainly, of course ... I am convinced ..." are not needed for those who agree with you, and they will cause a growl for those for whom your opinions are just not obvious and not themselves for granted. It sounds softer and more civilized: “It seems to me, it seems, in my opinion. I think that. This point of view is close to me.” Compare: “No, you are wrong” and “I find it difficult to agree with you.” The first sounds from the position of the Lord God humiliates him, the second shows respect. What do you choose? If you start to clean up your Dictionary, then I think you can without regret refuse such a phrase as "Nonsense!"
Why say that? Are you expecting a reaction: “Oh, thank you! As soon as you told me that I said stupid things, I immediately realized that you were wrong!”? You know very well that the reaction will be different. Why do you need it?
And just with a list: “Don’t! You are what ?! Nothing of the kind (listen: even“ like ”- nothing!). Well, well. Hello. Right now! (Different from the“ now ”it’s different in shocking intonation). you. Oh Lord! (Apparently, without the help of the Lord it is impossible to endure such nonsense?). You are a smart person, but say such things, "I suggest that you throw out all these and similar phrases from my vocabulary along with swearing. There is no sense from them, but they can easily hurt and offend.
Of course, this is not a matter of words, the same thing can be expressed both with a wave of the hand (like nonsense) and with a look (like an idiot). If all this does not hurt you at all, it means that you are either inattentive to yourself, or your "thick-skinned" has exceeded the usual limit. Is it always good, I don’t know.
In general, try not to give negative assessments of the interlocutor’s opinion, on the contrary, mark all successful places in his statements, maintain a sense of competence in him.
LEARN TO DO IT WITHOUT SHARPNESS AND CATEGORY

How can Socrates help young people

TOwhen the interlocutor does not understand you, I want to explain to him. But if you get into a monologue, you lose. Avoid the monologue - dialogue is more productive, especially if you know how to use the Socrates method.
The method of Socrates is that you divide your thought into small links, and each file in the form of a question, implying a short, simple and predictable answer. In essence, this is a reduced, well-organized dialogue with a seizure of initiative.
Its advantages:
* he keeps the attention of the interlocutor, does not allow distraction;
* if something in your logical chain for the interlocutor is unconvincing, you will notice it in time;
* The interlocutor comes to the truth himself (although with your help). And therefore it is good.
Volodya Ya., A member of our club, told me the conversation he had with his mother. In this case, we should be interested not in content, but in the form of dialogue: a very peculiar version of Socrates’s method:
- Mom, how old am I?
- 23, son ... And what are you asking?
- Mom, do you think I should get married?
“No, no, it's too early for you.”
- That's right, mom, I agree with you. This is a serious matter, I still have to graduate, get on my feet. ... Mom, what do you think, I live with women?
- ... I don’t know, son, probably ...
- Of course I live. I am already a fully grown man. And I have a question for you: can I bring women to my home? I have a favorite now. As a wife, she hardly suits me, and it's too early for me, but as a woman, I am crazy about her. Mom, where should we date? She does not have the opportunity, friends in apartments are not always possible. What, under the bushes, in the gateways, in unsanitary conditions? Mom, don’t you want the woman I love to have troubles? Can I bring women to my home?
“Oh, son ... But so that I don't know anything about this.”
- Good. Here, mom, you and dad tickets for the evening movie show, for two episodes. Is it clear?

Philosophy of Peace and Truth

Your opinion is deeply hostile to me, but for your right to express it, I am ready to sacrifice my life.
Voltaire

Any communication technique will be useless to you until the fundamental attitudes change in your mind. While you are a fighter, you will fight. As long as you are not a sage, you want to win. And that is why you will ultimately always lose.
But there is another way - the path of Peace and Truth, and its philosophy is as follows:
Try not to win, but to find the truth. Victory, yours or hiss, does not mean the triumph of truth, but only that one managed to crush the other. So what? Can win and the wrong. And righteousness is not Truth ...
Try to understand what the interlocutor wants to say, help him formulate his thoughts, even if you do not agree with him. Often, oddly enough, this turns out to be the most effective way to convince the interlocutor.
“I am your ally, I like everything, but it’s incomprehensible that ...” - in fact, you object to him. But in form you are his ally and just want to understand him. You avoid confrontation and maximize mutual understanding.

For this:
Look for what he is right in, and not mistaken, try to agree, and not object. It’s hard to live next to those who have “No!” Ready for anything. For many, it flies out automatically, like a reflex; but it’s better to say “Yes!” with a reflex, and let it be something more than the usual game “Yes, but ...”
Most good wives know for sure that their husband’s favorite words are: “Yes, dear. Well, dear. As you say, it will be so, dear.”
Recognize the possibility of being wrong and ask for critical discussion. Use more often: "Listen, maybe I'm wrong, but let's consult ... It seems to me ... What do you think? So? Not so? Let's discuss!"
Don't push. Crush only with arguments, and it’s better not to push, but to encourage. If you do not agree and want to object:
* make sure that you understand the person you are talking to. "You want to say that ..."
* agree with what he is right, highlight the practical in his words. "Yes, I agree that ..."
* tactfully disagree with what you disagree with. "But it’s hard for me to agree with this" or "I don’t understand this."
* Explain why you cannot agree with his opinion, and if he is interested, express your position.
Naturally, for real life this algorithm is long. But if you master it, your negotiations will become shorter - and more effective.
TRY TO AGREE, NOT TO OBJECT. DO NOT SEEK FOR VICTORY, BUT FOR TRUTH AND PEACE
If two interlocutors are likened to fighters with swords, I am most attracted to those who set the swords aside and hold out open friendly palms to each other. But if your interlocutor swings his sword, you must be able to knock it out of him. Your martial art will be manifested in the ability to debate.

The art of polemic battle

The controversy in literal translation is war. The main motive of any polemic battle is the desire of everyone to win, to prove their right and wrong interlocutor. It is unlikely that truth is born in polemics: its exposition is one-sided and tendentious, but polemics can help the birth of truth. Someone who knows how to inflict injections is rarely tried to prick others. And if a battle is imposed on you, you must win it.
Controversy must be mastered, but you can not get carried away. Do not start a dispute until you say to yourself: "I am now entering into a polemic with this person. I know why I am doing this, I can imagine the consequences, but I am sure of the need for this."
There are quite simple, but not too honest means to win the controversy:
* speak in a monologue so assertively that the interlocutor loses the opportunity to even kill you,
* interrupt the interlocutor and not let him sum up the successful results,
* make fun and bring the idea of \u200b\u200bthe interlocutor to the point of absurdity,
* cling to the unsuccessful form of statements of the opponent,
* go to the person. This does not mean insulting, but simply showing that his position is based not on facts, but on personal motives, etc.,
* take the conversation aside when there is nothing to say.
These are very effective tools, but I will be glad if you manage not to abuse them, or even do without them at all. Your correctness will restrain the enemy and will cause respect of others.
The main thing for you:
Work for the public:try to speak at least outwardly effectively.
You can’t convince the enemy, but you can make him surrender when the sympathy of the listeners is on your side. He can be knocked down, stunned, so that he opens his mouth in bewilderment, and everyone laughed with you - not necessarily at him, but on your side.
Seize the initiative. There are topics that are beneficial for you, there are - for the opponent. Which will you discuss? There is logic that shows you are right, there is - it. The one who draws his line wins. Take her to the end, not letting yourself be knocked down.
Come on!Pressure, energy, healthy aggressiveness. Never make excuses, but be prepared to attack. Shoot down the opponent with confidence of supply and a wide front of attack: work with clips of arguments. One question can be answered, three at once is difficult.
Break his position, not prove your. Breaking is easier than proving: breaking - not building ... This is the golden rule of controversy, the secret weapon of experienced fighters. Defending your position, do not prove your case, but break his attack. When attacking, do not build a system of evidence of his wrongness, but ask what he argues for and break his defense.
For example, a husband and wife discuss where to go on vacation. The wife suggests going to the Black Sea, the husband - to the White. The result of the conversation largely depends on the chosen tactics. For example, if the husband poses the question: "What have you not seen in your Black Sea?" and the wife will begin to tell how good it will be there, her husband just needs to make fun of her, and this is not difficult. “There is sunshine, warmth ...” - “And your nose will come off”, “The sea is tender ...” - “And the people on the beach are lying on each other” - and so on. Here the husband does not discuss the dignity of the White Sea, he only destroys wife's enthusiasm for southern exotics.

However, more often smart wives raise the question exactly the opposite: raising his eyebrows in surprise, the wife wonders what is he going to do on his White Sea? The husband, not suspecting that he is falling into a trap, begins to tell her how wonderful it is: pine trees, a tent, a bonfire ... My wife will finish: "A sooty bowler hat, it's cold, there's nothing to eat!" - and the husband is fools. In families where such little secrets are known, spouses do without these not very harmless tricks, preferring an honest, without traps, discussion.
Beat only for sure:it’s better not to beat than to beat without sense. He beat off - plus him. Do not sting on the little things - just burn it.
Prevent possible lunges. Knowing where they will beat you, get ahead of the enemy - answer him in advance.
Prepared Wins. Without knowing your battlefield, it is impossible to fight, but not knowing your opponent’s field, it’s hard to win. You must represent his possible moves, arguments, attacks and defenses. Calculate your opponent’s position so that you can answer for him no worse than himself - and then you will start to win.
An excellent preparation is a training polemic, where someone plays your position, and you act as an adversary against yourself.

Test "What kind of bird are you?"

All or almost all love tests, but most answer questions only to find out, not knowing themselves, but the test: how accurately the test guessed what a person knew about himself and without him ... Yes, tests help a person once again think about himself, look at his features a little “from the side”, but the main function of popular tests is entertainment.

Test "What kind of bird are you?" - not boring, but given here for other purposes. I’m afraid that someone will begin to perceive the above rules and recommendations too bluntly, not correlating with their features and their personal situation. The test helps to understand that there are no general recommendations that the quality that adorns one person can interfere with another.
Swearing, for example, is clearly not good. But I had to teach several people to curse, because they did not know how. And they, in their situation, needed it.
So,

Answer the questions

When answering questions, one should choose from three answers. If in doubt, simply select the answer that best suits you. This or that answer does not mean that you are better or worse, but simply that you are this or that.
1. I’m 12 years old, I was going to walk, and my mother suddenly declares: “It’s too late, you won’t go anywhere.” I AM:
a) I’ll very, very ask my mother to let me go outside, but if she insists on her anyway, she’ll stay at home,
b) I’ll say to myself, “I don’t want to go anywhere,” and stay at home,
c) I will say, “It’s not too late, I’ll go,” although my mother will later curse.
2. In case of disagreement, I usually:
a) carefully listen to a different opinion and try to find the possibility of mutual agreement,
b) I avoid useless disputes and try to achieve my goal in other ways,
c) I openly express my position and try to convince the interlocutor.
3. I introduce myself as a person who:
a) likes to be liked by many and be like everyone else,
b) always remains itself,
c) likes to subordinate other people to his will.
4. My attitude to romantic love:
a) to be with your loved one is the greatest happiness in life,
b) this is not bad, but so far they don’t demand too much from you and don’t get into your soul,
c) it’s wonderful, especially when a loved one gives me everything I need.
5. If I am upset, then I:
a) I’ll try to find someone to comfort me,
b) try not to pay attention to it,
c) I get angry and can be discharged by others.
6. If the boss did not quite rightly criticize my work, then:
a) it will hurt me, but I will try not to show it,
b) it will outrage me, I will actively defend myself and can express my complaints in response,
c) I am upset, but I will accept what he is right in, and I will try to correct these errors.
7. If someone pricks me with my flaw, then I:
a) I get annoyed and silent, chewing on the insult inside me,
b) I’m probably angry and answer the same
c) I get upset and begin to make excuses.
8. I act best if I:
a) in itself
b) leader, leader,
c) part of the team.
9. If I have finished some difficult work, I:
a) just move on to another matter,
b) I show everyone that I have already done everything,
c) I want to be praised.
10. At parties I usually:
a) sitting quietly in the corner
b) I strive to be in the center of all events,
c) I spend most of my time helping to set the table and do the dishes.
11. If the cashier in the store does not give me the change, then I:
a) naturally, I will demand it,
b) I’m upset, but I will not say anything. I don't like bickering with cashiers,
c) I will not pay attention. A trifle is not worth paying attention to.
12. If I feel like I'm angry, I:
a) express my feelings and free myself from them,
b) I feel uncomfortable
c) trying to calm myself.
13. When I get sick, I:
a) become irritable and impatient,
b) I go to bed and really look forward to being looked after,
c) I try not to pay attention to it and I hope that everyone else will do the same.
14. If any person caused my strong indignation, I would prefer:
a) express his feelings to him openly and in person,
b) defuse your emotions in some extraneous matter or conversation,
c) let him know about it indirectly, for example through other people.
15. My motto will obviously be:
a) The winner is always right,
b) The whole world loves a lover,
c) Going quietly - you will continue.

What does the test show?

With the help of the test, you can correlate yourself with three rather different and vivid personality portraits, conditionally named “Dove”, “Ostrich” and “Hawk”. Process the results of your answers. To do this, break 15 test questions into three fives: 1–5, 6–10, 11–15. To find out how “Pigeon” you are, count how many answers you have “A” in the first five, “B” in the second five, and “B” in the third. The maximum can be 15, the minimum can be 0. The intensity of your “ostrich” traits will be shown by the sum of “B” in the first five, “A” in the second and “C” in the third. The answers of “Hawk” are “B” in the first five, “B” in the second and “A” in the third.
If, for example, you have 11 "pigeon" answers, 4 "ostrich" and not a single "hawk", then it is clear that you are closest to the Pigeon, a little Ostrich and have nothing to do with the Hawk. If everything is equally divided, then in you everything is gradually and in different situations you manifest yourself in different ways.
True, it is worth asking: what did you take from the Dove - kind gentleness or sour indecision? From Ostrich - emotional stability or isolation? Is Hawk decisive or aggressive?
To do this, carefully review the description of these personality types.

Dove

This is a giving, loving, gentle and sensitive person. Pigeons need love, their happiness and safety depend on it, and for their sake they are ready even for self-sacrifice. Pigeons are in many ways weaklings and mumbles. They are ready to do everything for others - and more often than not, what they secretly want others to do for them. To directly ask or demand what they need, they are either afraid or not able. Too kind and compliant - because they are cowardly.
Pigeons live the dream of finding a person who would guess their desires and understand them perfectly. Not meeting this, they are often disappointed. They generally devote too much time to dreams and worries, instead of doing something serious.
The dove more often plays secondary roles, contributing to the rise of others. This is not because the Pigeons are in some way inferior, but they just feel better behind the throne, and not on it. They are afraid to take the initiative and responsibility, they feel very insecure in the leadership role. Pigeons are dependent on the opinions of others and are devoted to the subject of adoration. They suffer from little things, often superstitious. Light, peace-loving, Doves tamely act on temperamental and aggressive people. They direct their own anger at themselves, often lose their health, catch a cold, lose their wallets and cut their fingers instead of sausages.

Ostrich

Ostrich is a cold, calculating, cautious person and prefers to stay at a distance from everything. He needs the space around him, and not someone at hand. If someone comes too close to him, he either pushes him away, or, more often, runs away from him. The ostrich has enough of himself and he wants only peace. To avoid unwanted contacts or God forbid disappointment, he tries to hide not only his head in the sand, but also his heart and talent.
Ostrich avoids the bonds and especially the obligations arising from them. Those who marry or marry them know that life with them can be very cold. Ostriches prefer to suffer in silence and loneliness.
But their suffering is not too painful, because they know how to protect themselves from them. Even if Ostrich was rejected, he would tolerate it quite calmly. They do not expect too much from life and people, therefore they are not too disappointed. Since they never really strive for anything, no one can say that they failed.
Their estrangement gives them integrity and self-sufficiency, which is lacking both for the Pigeon, who wants to please and adjusts to those around him, and the Hawk, who wants to succeed and is always on the move. But this same integrity (its other side is isolation) cuts off Ostrich from the best in other people and in himself, from the seething stream of life.

Hawk

An ambitious, decisive and brave man, the Hawk needs power. In pursuit of their goals, Hawks gain a lot of opponents, but, on the other hand, they achieve a lot. Their hostility, aggressiveness and some obsession make them very difficult companions in life, but at the same time they make everyone stretch out in front of them and give all in. We more often admire them than we love them.
Hawks require immediate submission, selfless devotion and a mass of admiration. But, on the other hand, they work more than anyone, and, as a rule, deserve such an attitude towards themselves. They strive for excellence, ideal, uncompromising, demand "all or nothing." And although they easily criticize others and themselves, they react poorly to criticism from the outside. Any assumption that they can make a mistake not only causes their rage, but can also plunge them into a state of deep depression, because behind this hawkish facade they are not as cruel as it seems at first glance. For Hawks, the world represents a battlefield and they are surrounded by enemies. But do not worry: they are armed with intelligence and insight, they are born strategists, and they have a lot of energy. The only battle they lose is the battle with themselves.

If you want to change ...

This test gives only one of the possible “slices” of your personality, but hopefully with its help you better understand some of your features. It is not so important what features are more expressed in you - the Dove, Ostrich or Hawk, it is important that you once again looked at yourself as if from the side. Apparently, not all of you are satisfied with yourself. If you decide to change, be prepared for situations of discomfort - this is an inevitable step in the growth process.
Accepting a change is like agreeing to an operation: it will hurt for a while, but you will free yourself from the old disease.
The following exercises can help you get rid of the weak, unwanted aspects of your personality, develop your strengths.
It may seem to you that some tasks produce negative qualities: why train them? There is confusion: you are invited to develop skills, not qualities. Qualities are forever, and skills only when necessary.
Do I need to be able to “beat”? “To beat” is not necessary, but “to be able to beat” is very necessary ...

What do you need dove

Diagnosis and general prescriptions.
You need to grow up and become more independent, begin to live your life, often contrary to the expectations or requests of others. One must learn to be a man for himself, and not a man for others. You have the right to be yourself. You need to allow yourself a lot of what is internally unacceptable to you.
This does not mean that you should become a bad person, but the good, of which there are so many in you, must be reliably protected.
Exercises:
1. Exercise "No-smile."
A smile is beautiful, it always paints you. But you are "caught" by a smile: you smiled - that means they said "Yes." Are you sure that this is always the most correct answer?
To become a “freer" person, learn not to smile in response to the smile addressed to you. Allow yourself to be both gloomy and serious.
2. Exercise "No."
It’s hard for you to say “No” - you don’t want to upset a person, because he can be offended or angry with you. So, you must learn to say “No” calmly and decisively. Firstly, you have the right to it, and secondly, this "No" is perceived normally.
3. Capture Initiative Exercise.
Learn to seize the initiative in conversation and business.
4. Exercise "Custom actions."
You are too dependent on the opinions of others and are afraid to go beyond the standard ("like everyone else") behavior. Allow yourself any reasonable, but non-standard actions. At the bus stop, it is customary only to stand calmly, but you are cold - jump or do exercises. Will others look at you as abnormal? - Firstly, they are wrong, and secondly, what do you care about their views and assessments?
5. Exercise "Lip".
If the disapproving glances of those around you are still held with difficulty, you need to train your mental stability. On the street or in vehicles, lift your upper lip slightly, exposing your gums and teeth, and your face will begin to take on an unpleasant expression. Allow yourself to be with such an ugly, unpleasant face. The exercise is good because you can adjust the "voltage level" here. It will become hard - lower your lip; but don’t feel the tension - lift your lip higher ...
6. Exercise "I will give you an assessment."
This exercise will make it easier for you to complete previous tasks and make you more internally free. In life and communication, learn to be not evaluators, but evaluators. Do not wait until they evaluate you - shoot the rating first yourself. Performing non-standard actions, observe the various reactions of others (not all of them will be adequate and smart). They made a mistake and let someone down - don’t worry, but watch how (right, no? Smart, no?) This person will react to your mistake.
7. Exercise "Freedom of negative emotions."
You are afraid of your inappropriate (especially negative) emotions to hurt or upset others. This is a good concern, but you need to get rid of this fear. Whatever your emotions, you have the right to them. More often, freely express your negative emotions towards others or simply into space.
8. Exercise "Freedom of voice and opinion."
Learn to speak loudly and confidently, often speak categorically.

9. Exercise "Freedom of charge."
Learn not to make excuses in response to the accusations, but to immediately launch a counterattack and counter-accuse yourself. And don’t wait at all when they start attacking you: start with the accusations yourself.
10. Exercise "Put in order!".
Make it a rule to clean up stores and other services where there is no service yet. Allow yourself to make comments to employees of trade and consumer services (it does not matter whether they are effective or not).

What ostrich needs

Diagnosis and general prescriptions.
Your coldness, worsening contacts with people and limiting the perception of all the colors of the world, is not natural, but only a consequence of your fear of connections and feelings. Yes, life can be painful, but this is not a reason not to live at all. And what was so painful in childhood and adolescence is no longer scary now. Try to open yourself to the world, and the world will open itself to you! Your main task is to develop in yourself an interest and attention to people around you, to learn how to better understand and feel them.
Exercises:
1. Exercise "Association".
This is a well-known game in the company, when one comes out and someone is made up. The guesser should ask “abstract” questions (for example, “What is a household item?”), And the respondent should think about the mysterious person, trying to associate his answer with him.
2. Exercise "Remembering faces."
Develop a habit of remembering the faces of people around you. They looked, closed their eyes, tried to restore everything visibly, in detail. It doesn’t work, you don’t see something - look again so that memorization is complete.
3. Exercise "And how is he laughing?"
Looking at the faces, try to visualize: “How does this man laugh or cry? How does he make love? How confused is he? How does he cunning, trying to“ get out? ”How rude is he? Swearing? What is he offended? How was he in three years (purely visual - see?) What will it be like in old age (see?) ”

4. Exercise "And what is he?"
In the company of friends, where there is chatter and entertainment, get out of the hustle and bustle, silently listen to others and try to understand: “Why, why does this person say or do this - and so? What is he? Is he really so funny or just pretending to be? She is silent "Interested? He portrays a jester - why?"
5. Exercise "I am through the eyes of others."
In different situations and with different people, try to look at yourself through the eyes of your interlocutor. What impression do you make? What does he think of you?
6. Exercise "Empathy."
In a conversation on personal topics that touch the interlocutor, try to actively and interestedly (not externally, but internally) listen to him, not seizing the initiative and not disconnecting, but empathizing and trying to put yourself in his place.
7. Exercise "Reincarnation".
Try to feel in the place of another person. Imagine that he is you. Put yourself in his place, get into his appearance, penetrate his inner world. Reproduce his fit, gait, facial expressions, movements. Reincarnate - try to feel his feelings and think his thoughts.
8. In companies more often get out on a role of the Massovik-entertainer.
It doesn’t work - study.

What does the Hawk need

Diagnosis and general prescriptions.
Seeing the surrounding enemies, you involuntarily turn into them even those who could be your friend. You turn potential minded people against their will into your competitors. To avoid this, you must learn to be more tolerant and friendly.
Exercises:
1. Exercise "Smile".
You must accustom yourself to the fact that your usual expression of your face becomes a warm, friendly smile. If she is not, there must be readiness for her. An inner smile should always be.
2. Exercise "Peace be with you."
The first phrase (internal phrase, installation) when meeting with any person you should have "Peace be with you!". Give it to him with all my heart, with all my heart! Leaving the house in the morning, throw it to the sky, birds, trees! Some pretty tree can be hugged. If you start arguing or cursing with someone, every 3 minutes remember and repeat: "Peace be with you!" - it will help you stop.

Many more like (and just save) another internal phrase, namely: “Good.” Whatever happens, every five minutes, say to yourself with an inner smile: “Good!”. They shout at you - “Good.” You scream - also “Good.” After some time, no one will want to scream, and the soul will become light and warm.
3. Exercise "Transfer of initiative."
More often pass the initiative to the interlocutor in the conversation. Let the conversation be about what he wants, and the way he wants.
4. Exercise "Self-assessment."
More often become rated, not rated. How do people around you feel? Are they comfortable with you and next to you? If someone made a mistake, pay attention not to this fact, but to your reaction in this situation.
5. Exercise "Pleasant conversation."
If the question is not too fundamental (by the way, learn to evaluate it more often this way), try to make the conversation just pleasant. The interlocutor is right or not, stupid or not - make sure that he is well with you.
6. Exercise "Cloud pants."
Learn to speak less, quieter, softer. Try to agree, not argue. More often say yes, not no. Avoid categorical phrases and intonations.
7. Exercise “Compliments and thanks”.
Use any convenient opportunity to tell a person something about him and his actions are good. All that you liked about the person, express: eyes, smile, and, of course, words. Allow yourself to admire: “You look beautiful today!” “Thank you from the bottom of the heart, it’s simply amazing!” The main thing is to be sincere, and it depends only on you.
8. Exercise "Thunderstorm is canceled."
Learn to restrain your negative emotions. It’s hard for you to restrain them, but it’s hard for others to bear them. Learn not to swear. Isn’t it weak for a whole week to forgive everyone, to accept with understanding, not to criticize and not to make comments, not to condemn, not to swear? If the week is weak, then how much is not weak?
9. Exercise "Sage."
Learn wisdom, a contemplative outlook on life and the ability to lose. Your loss is your new experience and the opportunity to learn from this. No matter what happens, before you become indignant or upset, ask yourself: "How would a wise person react to this?"

Part 3. YOU YES YES, YES WE ARE WITH YOU

(psychology of interpersonal relationships)

About neurotics, love for oneself and people

Return to Paradise Lost

   I am smarter in the world
   I'm not afraid of anyone.
   That's how good I am
   I’ll live a hundred years now.
The attitude that can draw from any neurosis

Until the poison of civilization has poisoned the child, he does not compare himself with others and has little interest in how they will appreciate him: he knows that he is natural and beautiful. This means that he is mentally healthy. Look: he certainly treats himself positively, and parents will have to work hard to convince him that he is "bad."

What for? And to obey. And the child is beaten over the healthy soul over and over again (deprived of love, pricked with anger and struck with hatred) until he feels pain, until a wound appears in his soul. Now the parents are satisfied. Now, when it is necessary to achieve something from the child, it is enough to knock him on the emotional wound ("You are bad!"), And he, twitching, obeys.
To suggest that the child may be “bad” is necessary, otherwise the child will be uncontrollable. It is tough, but inevitable and necessary, like vaccinations. True, in this case it is a vaccination of mental illness, the neurosis of “rejection” and “inferiority”.
Then we grow up, but the neurosis remains, the feeling of celebration itself does not return. We turn into neurotics. A neurotic is a person with whom it is difficult for others, but it is difficult precisely because he is difficult with himself. His problem is that he does not love and does not respect himself. Without love, he has nothing to give, so he does not receive anything from others. His installation is “give” and not “I will give.” What he is not given, he demands or drags, which causes aggression among others, to which he answers the same. His conscience does not like it, so she gnaws at him and tormenting, only adding to his suffering.

And all this is only because he was not loved in childhood ...
THE CHILD KNOWS THAT HE IS BEAUTIFUL. ADULTS MAKE IT FORGET

It all starts with love

All уоu need is lоve!
The most popular slogan of youth

And all that is needed is to tell the person: "Believe in yourself, love yourself, and if you love yourself a lot, you will give yourself so much love that you don’t have to pull it from others and you yourself will be able to give it out generously."
Allow yourself to at least stroke yourself if you can’t celebrate your existence!

Get out of neurosis - allow yourself to love yourself. Love for people begins with love for yourself. Let every morning the first installation wake up with you: I am good, glorious, beloved and wonderful. "Why? Firstly, it is very nice.
One who does not believe can try and be sure.
And, secondly, and most importantly - others begin to love such a person. Deep confidence, self-awareness “I am a worthy and interesting person” (or “I am the Sun, a holiday comes with me”) acts like an suggestion, like hypnosis, convincing people without any words - on a subconscious level. Self-image becomes an image for others. He is loved, if only because it is easy to love him, he is open to the perception of a kind attitude towards himself.
It is difficult if it is not impossible to love a person who repels love, closes it, cannot or does not want to (unconsciously) be loved. This applies to respect, and to openness, and to interest: if I do not believe that all this can relate to me, my cautious attitude will certainly extinguish these impulses.
A mentally healthy person does not just believe, he knows that he is always and certainly worthy of love and respect. Note that this does not at all reduce his criticality to himself. It is proved that people who accept themselves are not afraid to compare themselves with high standards and set themselves objective (i.e., often low) self-esteem.
What should he be afraid of criticism? Yes, he didn’t succeed and this turned out badly. This is not good, but there are spots in the sun, and the next time he will try to do better! A bad assessment does not scrape the soul, and, in the end, do not cancel the holiday of being because of it!
It is also attractive that a man who sincerely loves himself and is not burdened with neuroses does not have obstacles in love for others, is receptive to their merits and is always ready to pour out his overwhelming love.
LOVE FOR PEOPLE BEGINS WITH LOVE FOR YOURSELF

True, there is one SIGNIFICANT ADDITION.

What Carlson lacked

I am a handsome, smart and moderately well-fed man in the prime of life, the best Carlson in the world.
Carlson

Carlson is a healthy man physically and mentally, but this is a wild creature that loves everyone and respects no one. Carlson is fine, but in order for no one to feel bad with him, he must also become civilized.
Civilization implies a reorientation from "I" to the "Other", the emergence of the installation "I see and respect you as a person."
Everyone is primarily interested in himself and takes care of himself. It is impossible to completely overcome this, but it is necessary to correct it within reasonable limits.
You can start small: with a lively and kind interest in people. "What kind of person is this, how does he live and breathe?" - instead of indifference and nagging: "That's how lonely I am ..."
Before you try to attract the attention of others to yourself, learn how to draw your attention to others.
This is followed by a willingness to understand and help others. "What worries him, what does he need?"
Yes, everyone is fixated on their affairs and concerns, but it is impossible to such an extent!

It is more than useful to develop an outside view of yourself. "What does he want from me? What does he like about me, what - no, what are his wishes for me?" Guess something yourself, you need to ask something.
According to the results, if possible, and act.
If all this comes to you, you really will become "the best Carlson in the world."

Seed of love

No matter how objectivity we wear, the tendency to this or that assessment of others we always carry in ourselves. We carry in ourselves and expectation - a foreknowledge of what the Counterpart or Familiar will be like. Waiting is more than hoping or wanting someone to turn out to be “good” or “bad.” This is unconscious knowledge, knowledge-faith, living mental attitude.
What grows up in the relationship between us, is born primarily in our soul. My attitude to another forms the relationship between us, and the mechanism is simple. Immediately the effect of suggestion works. When you are viewed with unshakable confidence as a fool or egoist, it is difficult to feel different. Living expectation is a powerful hypnotist.
Not immediately obvious, but over time, an EMOTIONAL LOOP is formed more and more strongly in relationships. It’s known: “As far as it comes, it will respond.” The one to whom we sympathize answers with mutual sympathy. We are ready for accusations - we come across accusations in our direction. We get suspiciousness for suspicion, openness for openness. The one who gives the most receives the most. And, most importantly, our attitude towards the Other begins to be determined by our spiritual contribution to it. We love people for the good that we have invested in them, and we hate for the evil that we have done to them.
No, not L.N. Tolstoy - the author of this thought. Its author is the whole history of the spiritual culture of mankind.
An impulsive good deed seeks justification for itself “because it is good” just as accidental rejection or rudeness is rationalized in “as it should be.”

As a result, the first spiritual impulses, whatever they are (with a good or bad assessment of a person), as a rule, find their confirmation.
Thought, looked, believed - received. "What happened in the relationship has happened inside you before."
This thought of Sri Rajnes is just a retelling of what other sages repeated for hundreds of years before him.
Whether you like it or not, it doesn't matter. The main thing is that you like people. Advance benevolence creates a positive loop in the relationship, malevolence creates a negative one. From the grain of love grows a garden. From the grain of aggression rise the jungle. What grains do you carry in your soul?

LIKE YOU SOMETHING OR NOT - IT IS IMPORTANT.
The main thing is that people like you

What law do you live by?

“What does the Law of the Jungle say?”
- First hit, then give a voice.
R. Kipling. Mowgli

Our attitude towards life and people, as a rule, is laid down from childhood. Suppose, from childhood, my strict parents told me: “Son, life is a jungle where everyone is for himself and don’t expect anything good from people. Until a person has proved that he is decent, stay away from him.”
You must have met people with similar beliefs. Such people have one more peculiarity: as a rule, they are silent about these beliefs because they do not trust people.

Or another option, when my tired and sad parents invested in my soul one way or another: “Life, son, is a complicated thing, and people are very different. Do not be too trusting, look at people. Make sure that good is one thing, but you will see "what’s bad is something else then. But until you figure it out, keep close to yourself."
The child believes - and now does not allow.
And, of course, the third option is possible, when my good parents from childhood taught: “Life is beautiful! Of course, there are people who are unkind, but you will not be mistaken if you approach people openly. Until a person has proved that he is bad, consider that he is good, kind and decent. "
You will agree that these three settings are quite different. Now the main question: Which of these attitudes is the most faithful?
When I ask this question in the audience, some of those present (usually smiling and with “open” eyes) shout together: “The last one is the most faithful!” Another part of those present at this time is wisely silent, looking at the first as not quite reasonable children ...
In my personal opinion, all three attitudes are true, and equally true. This is not a paradox - just every installation has the power that organizes life, and confirms itself.

The end of the free trial.