How to live on after losing a loved one? How to survive the death of a loved one: recommendations of psychologists, stages of experiencing grief and features.

Each of us once faced grief. With grief or loved ones. This is a difficult period in the life of every person and he really needs the help of us, his relatives and friends. Despite the fact that often a misfortune befalls a whole family, each person in this family experiences it in their own way. There are no identical feelings and sufferings. It seems to everyone that he is worse than the rest. It is right. And this is normal.

Grief can be different: a serious illness — one's own or a loved one — leading to disability or unpleasant consequences, complications, breaking up a relationship with a loved one, job loss, death. But living grief, despite personal differences, has a general tendency, stages of experience. The whole future life of a person and his family depends on how these stages will go.

Time is said to heal. But how to survive the time of acute pain from the fact that there will no longer be, as before? How to help yourself or your dear person when trouble knocked on his door? And is it even possible to help in such a situation?

Yes. Can!

To do this, understand the nature of grief. Yes Yes. Grief, grief - these words seem old, forgotten. However, we all tend to grieve when troubles and troubles occur. And mourning has its own structure, its stages, its beginning and logical end. Praise God that there is this end. But until its end, grief passes a long and difficult path through the soul of a person, leaving its traces on his mental state.

What does grief begin with? Of course, from the moment a person receives terrible news. So begins

the first stage of living grief - the stage of denial

It can't be!

Say it's not true!

I do not believe!

Let everything be as before!

The shock of the news, the denial of what happened, the numbness, apparent indifference, less often - tears, vanity, excessive activity - all these reactions are very necessary for a person at the first moment. This condition helps the human psyche prepare for awareness of what happened. Usually this can last from several hours to several days.

It should be borne in mind that in men and women, as in any other sphere of life, reactions to the news of grief are different. Women can scream or cry and blame themselves. Men are silent, hide tears, get angry, biting their lips, violently punch against the wall.

At this time, it is good that someone is nearby. Most often, you don’t need any conversations, conversations, reassuring words - they still will not hear you. It is necessary to give a person to receive the news and feel that he is not alone in his grief.

Of course, like any of the stages, the stage of denial in its manifestations will differ depending on the grief that has happened. It is clear that events such as death, betrayal or illness, entail different consequences, and hence the reaction of the person and those around him. However, the first stage - the stage of denial - will be present. For some, it can go completely unnoticed, taking only a few minutes. Other people for a long time do not want to believe in loss.

An alarming symptom is a delay in denial for several weeks. In this case, the person needs the help of a doctor, a psychologist working with acute grief. After all, delaying any stage of grief prevents the next one from starting, which means it puts off the person’s ability to return to normal and causes irreparable harm to health.

So, for example, one mother denied the illness of the child for a long time, although the disease was not fatal. She refused to learn how to manage her daughter’s disease, hiding from everyone that her daughter was sick, she stopped giving medications at home.

Husband and mother-in-law all the time after the news of the diagnosis, the girls reassured the woman that “there is nothing to worry about” and “you can live with it”, they asked “why are you crying all the time, is everything normal?” None of the relatives paid attention to that mom did not believe in the illness of the child. More precisely, they did not think that something was wrong with mom.

As a result, the girl again went to the hospital, and her mother went to the psychologist, who helped to realize what happened and go through the remaining stages of the acceptance of the disease.

The second stage - acute grief, anger and the search for the cause

How am I going to live now?

How could he leave me?

Why did this happen to me?

It is your fault (s) that happened!

It's all my fault.

If I had done so, this would not have happened!

Often this period is divided into two: the search for causes and the most acute grief. But in practice, I see that the burning pain of loss, and anger, and anger, and the search for the guilty - everything mixes together. And only then, usually after all the hassles, such as the doctor’s explanations and discharge from the hospital, picking up suitcases during a divorce, a funeral, and even 9 days when a loved one dies, remains simply grief. Therefore, I combine these two parallel steps into one.

So trouble happened. After denial comes the realization of inevitability, entailing acute pain, the understanding that nothing can be changed. I want to know why this happened, but there is no answer. This causes anger, anger that breaks out through screaming and tears, usually in the form of an accusation of someone from relatives, doctors, less often themselves. A person begins to delve into the past, in himself, in others - in search of a cause, in search of the guilty. After all, it is much easier when you can be angry with a particular person - so grief seems more understandable, the trouble has a reason.

This period can last several months. Helping a person during this period, in no case should he be persuaded not to cry, not to blame himself, to restrain his feelings. On the contrary, it is a sharp grief and it must be grieved, that is, cried, expressed in feelings, whatever they may be.

Some people need to talk about what happened. They can obsessively tell the same thing, constantly talk about the life that was before the misfortune, come up with plans that could change the past. Try to listen to them calmly, even if you have already memorized this monologue. Be patient - this will help your friend survive the difficult period of his life.

Trying to hide his feelings, hesitating to sob, a person accumulates negative, heavy and painful emotions within himself. As a result, sooner or later they will begin to work against the person, resulting either in psychosomatics or in depression. Or they will find a way out at the most inopportune moment in the form of a flash of anger and aggression. And there is an even more difficult case - auto-aggression, when a person directs all the anger that has accumulated over many months of grief towards himself.

Recently, a young woman came to the consultation, let's call her Galina. A year ago, during childbirth, she lost her twins - her son and daughter. She held out with all her might so as not to cry. But when I said that it is possible to cry, it is necessary and useful, she looked at me in surprise and burst into sobs. She cried for a long time, and after calming down, she said that perhaps there was no problem.

Of course, this was not entirely true. We continued the conversation. The fact is that Galina, and this naturally, was very worried about the loss of children. She was so glad that she would have twins, it was her dream. And when grief happened, the world turned upside down for her. Even the presence of an older 5-year-old daughter could not console her. At that time she did not work, she was at home almost all the time. She had to restrain herself with her daughter so as not to frighten her with crying. When there was no daughter, it was impossible not to cry.

But her parents, with whom they lived, and her husband first reassured her, and then simply forbade her to cry. They said that time had already passed, enough to be killed, that you really didn’t see them, that the children of TAM, showing their eyes up, feel bad that you are sobbing here. The husband even threatened that he would leave if she did not stop worrying. So, having driven her emotions inside, Galina did not stop suffering - her grief turned into a latent depression, which is not so easy to diagnose, and even more so cure.

Another case of unfulfilled grief led one young man to a neurologist. There were severe back pain. Did all the examinations, passed all the analyzes. Everything is okay. The neurologist referred him to a psychologist. It turned out that six months ago this man experienced serious stress. But there was no time to worry, and it was "indecent" with his wife and friends. Now he almost forgot about him, but the body remembers everything.

The stage of acute grief is a turning point in his living. When we cry, worry, suffer, we thereby move away from the past, in which there remains a moment of loss, and the subject of grief remains there, in the past. Suffering in grief is a kind of separation from the person who left, died, or separation from a past life in which there was no illness and pain. A person must go through this in order to return to real life and begin to live with the understanding that the past cannot be returned. And this is normal.

The end of this stage occurs when a person is ready to see from the side everything that was connected with grief, for example, with a deceased relative or ex-husband. Sometimes this period is called the period of depression. But this is not so. Only disturbance of experiences leads to the disease. If a person has the opportunity to grieve as he wants, then gradually acute grief is replaced by the acceptance of what happened.

So begins a new one,

the third stage of acceptance of grief - the stage of residual experiences

This period begins and ends in different ways for everyone. Usually it begins when a person is ready to return to work, to previous affairs and concerns. Relations are resuming, new contacts, new affairs appear. Normal sleep returns, appetite. A person who has survived a disaster can already talk more calmly about her, although tears and other manifestations of grief are still present in his life.

At this stage, usually there are already the first holidays, birthday or New Year, which were previously met together, and now without this person. These are difficult moments, but they also give a person the opportunity to accept the loss. Gradually, life is filled with new meaning, new deeds, a new past and new memories. Grief is pushed back in time.

But here there are pitfalls. The grief did not go away at all. Unfortunately, misunderstanding on the part of relatives, colleagues, often leads to the fact that a person can close, return to the previous stage. But the reason will no longer be in loss, but in a feeling of loneliness, misunderstanding and despondency. The less time has passed since the disaster, the greater the likelihood of depression. Relatives need patience and tact to talk carefully about what happened, without causing resentment and new trauma.

About a year later, the process of grief is completed. And it ends with a long stage of full acceptance, reconciliation with what happened.

Pain and bitterness are forgotten. Memories of the past cause a bright sadness, photographs do not make you cry. The lost value of life returns, new positive meanings of what happened are revealed. There is a reorganization of life, new plans appear taking into account the changed circumstances. A person becomes cheerful and amiable with friends, makes contact easier.

It must be remembered that any event in our souls and in the history of the family has its niche, its rightful place. Do not try to forget and supplant what was. No need to scold yourself for the fact that sometimes an insurmountable wave of sadness and a desire to cry. This is good, right.

If you remember how you lived before the grief happened, and the memories do not cause melancholy and pain, then you coped. But if despondency, tears, guilt and a year later with you or your loved one, it is better to contact specialists. Help in this situation is needed.

A friend in need is a friend indeed

There is such a widespread misconception that no one can help in grief; he must live alone. This is not true. And this article is just for those who were next to each other in difficult times. Being close does not mean reassuring and being a “vest” all the time. The task of those around is to observe in time to notice the devastating signs of stress.

And, of course, there are special psychologists who work with acute grief. There are psychotherapists who, with the help of psychotherapy and individually selected sedatives, will help to survive a difficult period.

Good luck to you! And let misfortunes pass you by!

Photo - Lory Photo Bank

In her longing settles, she languishes and is sad. It is impossible to find a remedy that will help ease the pain. Most likely, the loss of a loved one will never be forgotten, only covered by a raid of time. It is important to know how to survive the death of a loved one in the Orthodox way, so that it does not become life-affirming.

Scientific approach

Many people, having lost a loved one, turn to a psychologist or psychotherapist to help them overcome this difficult time in life. And this is completely normal, because often grief becomes an obstacle that not only prevents one from continuing a normal life, but also pushes a person to dangerous acts.

Mourning in human life

Psychologist Erich Lindemann in the century before last identified symptoms of natural grief, which is normal for every person who has experienced a loss. It has several symptoms that can occur alone or several at once:

Physical - tears, sobs, fainting, heart attacks, and more. In addition, emptiness in the stomach, chest, general weakness and breathing problems can be felt. Often a person becomes indifferent, or vice versa, extremely irritable and sensitive.
Behavioral - interrupted speech, confusion of speech and consciousness, changes in the manner of speech. Apathy begins, lack of appetite, self-confidence is lost, a person becomes amorphous.
Emotional - anger at what happened is the first to manifest, the person begins to look for the guilty. Later, anger develops into depression, and afterwards there is a feeling of guilt before the deceased.
Fear and anxiety for one's own future may also manifest. If you do not consult a specialist in time, then you can allow the transformation of these "normal" symptoms into destructive ones.

Also, there is a scientifically designated time of grief. Usually this time is experienced by families that have lost a member, and it is divided into several stages:

A day or two - the first stage, which is characterized by shock and denial. Relatives at first do not believe the message about the loss, begin to seek confirmation, suspect fraud, literally deny and do not believe what happened. Some people can stay at this stage forever and never accept loss, they continue to preserve things, the atmosphere and the myth that a person is alive.
The first week is the exhaustion of all, because usually at this time there are funerals and commemoration. The family cannot fully comprehend what is happening and often people move and do things purely mechanically.
The second or fifth week - family members return to their daily routine. Work begins, study, familiar affairs. Now the loss is felt extremely sharply, because support has become less than at the last stage. Acute manifestation of longing and anger.
A month or two is a stage of acute grief, the end time of which each has its own. It usually takes from 1.5 to 3 months.
From 3 months to 1 year - the stage of mourning, which is characterized by a feeling of helplessness and apathy.
Anniversary is the last stage, which, as it were, completes the cycle of grief. It is accompanied by commemoration, a trip to the cemetery, an order for a requiem and other rituals that help remember the deceased and honor his memory.

Important! At each stage, a jam can occur - the impossibility and unwillingness to overcome a certain stage. A person continues to live in his grief, does not return to his former life, but is “stuck” in the grief, which begins to destroy him. It is very important to overcome all these stages, and only God can help in this.

About the afterlife:

The main problem today is the fear of death. People are afraid to die or lose someone close to them. The ancestors of the modern Orthodox believer were brought up in atheism and do not have the correct concept of death, so many of them cannot cope with grief when it comes.

Councils of the Orthodox Church after the loss of loved ones

For example, a person can constantly sit on the grave of the deceased or even spend the night there, he preserves all things and the situation as it was during the life of the deceased. This has a devastating effect on the person and is due to the fact that a person does not understand what happened and how to live with it.

Superstition is superimposed on this misunderstanding and acute problems arise, often of a suicidal nature. Birth, life and death are links of one chain and this fact cannot be ignored.

Important! It is necessary to realize as early as possible that death is inevitable. And only by accepting it can a person cope with the loss and not get a neurosis.

It is necessary to remove all superstitions from oneself. Orthodoxy has nothing to do with hanging mirrors or leaving a glass of vodka on the grave of the deceased. These superstitions are invented by people who have been to the temple a couple of times in their lives and are trying to turn death into a kind of representation in which each action has a sacred meaning. In fact, death has only one meaning - this is the transition from worldly life on Earth to eternity. And it is important to think in advance where this person will spend this eternity in order to revise his whole worldly life.

You can’t draw any conclusions and look for the cause of what happened, all the more you can’t say such things to the grieving. It cannot be said that God took the child because of the sins of the parents or took the mother away because the child was behaving incorrectly. With these words, you can injure a person and forever turn him away from the church.

If you lost your mother

Mother is an important person in everyone’s life. It is important to understand that for Christians, death is a temporary separation, after which there will be a long-awaited meeting with loved ones. Therefore, when a person’s time comes, he goes to Heavenly Father and there he will meet his loved ones.

Having lost mother on this earth, it should be remembered that she did not disappear, but only moved to another part of her journey, completing her mission here. And now she will take care of her children from heaven and intercede with God for them.

Advice! The best way to survive this loss is to spend more time in the temple and in house prayers. It is necessary to order a memorial in the liturgy, a requiem in order to properly honor the deceased parent, and also to give alms so that people pray for him as well.

How to survive the death of a loved one?

If you lost a husband

Left alone, the wife goes through all the stages of grief that pass all the grieving. However, it is important for her to remember that she was not left alone - her loving Lord and He will help her through all difficulties and trials with her.

Do not despair, it should be understood that the Lord does not give in excess of strength and will certainly help in the trials that he sends.

If there are children left in the family, then the widow must pack up and return to a normal life for their sake, in order to help them overcome this loss. Usually, the family returns to normal life within one year, so the widow will have to take on the dual role of mom and dad so that their children can overcome the loss and live normally.

How to help a loved one cope with grief

It is very important for a person and the whole family to have someone who will help them overcome all stages of grief and return to normal life by accepting and experiencing the loss of a loved one.

Prayers for the departed:

Prayer to St. Michael the Archangel for deceased relatives

What does helping a family survive grief? First of all, this means going through all these stages of grief with them. As the apostle Paul said, “Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who mourn” (Rom. 12:15).

Each stage of grief has its own symptoms, so it is important to monitor the behavior of a grieving person and not let him go in cycles or commit a dangerous and emotional act. It is very important to help the family or the individual find the way that will help him cope with the loss.

In addition, it is important to monitor the person and help him move from the stage of longing and grief to sadness and normal life. It is important to ensure that he eats on time, sleeps enough, rests and releases his longing. People often forget about themselves in their grief, families begin to collapse due to the constant stress in which they keep themselves.

Important! Helpers should gently guide the grieving from destruction to creation, to God and help them reconcile with loss.

Archpriest Dmitry Smirnov. How to survive the death of loved ones

Sorrow happens to everyone sooner or later. This is how our life works. But each person has his own grief. This can be the end of a relationship, the loss of a valuable thing, the death of a loved one, the death of a pet, moving to another city, the loss of work or status, a serious illness or loss of a part of the body, and much more.

Woe is when I irretrievably lost something very valuable to myself.

When we lose something very important, a real storm of the most severe and intolerable feelings arises inside us. All these emotions and reactions arise automatically and cannot be controlled. In order not to collapse in this stormy storm raging inside, the psyche begins to defend itself - it begins to grieve.

Grief is a whole process of defensive reactions and experiences known as the “5 stages of grief”: denial, anger, bidding, depression and acceptance. The psyche moves from stage to stage, trying to streamline and process the feelings that have arisen. It is believed that normally this takes about a year.

But this process will undoubtedly be affected by external conditions, such as previous life experience, support, material conditions, additional problems, etc.

In fact, in life the stages of grief in their pure form never occur. They overlap, get confused or overtake one another. The depth and duration of each stage can also be completely different. It is always very individual.

That is why the grief process can “break down” and then you can get stuck in any of the stages. In this case, destructive experiences will poison life for many years, leaving no opportunity to live fully.

Do not be left alone. Man is a social animal, we need the support of other people. Especially when we feel bad.
Ask and accept help. Feel free to need, it does not make you worse.
Give yourself some time. It is impossible to determine exactly how much time you need, so just trust your psyche.
Take care of yourself. Do as much as you are ready and what you are ready to do. Sorrow requires a lot of strength, they should be protected.
Do not fuss. You will not be able to jump directly to the last stage, you will have to live everything sequentially, as your psyche requires.
Do not discount your feelings. Any feelings you experience are natural, this is a normal reaction of your psyche to what is happening.
Express your feelings. Write letters, talk with loved ones, talk with photographs, animals or trees - it makes no difference. The main thing - do not keep everything in yourself.
Avoid Making Vital Decisionsuntil you survive the grief. Feelings will greatly interfere with your sober assessment of the situation.
Get help from a psychologist / psychotherapistworking with grief. If you feel that you are confused or do not cope, trust a professional.

1. STAGE OF DENIAL (SHOCK)

Metaphor: "Nothing has happened"

How is it felt: In the first minutes or hours after the tragedy, you can feel the detachment and lack of any feelings and emotions, or see everything as if from the outside. What is happening can be felt as something unreal, like a movie or a theatrical production. Maybe even a fantasy appears that now someone will come out and say that this is a hoax. There may be an acute desire for this to turn out to be a joke, and then thoughts appear that explain how what happened can turn out to be untrue and I really want to believe them. There may be an acute desire to delay the moment of meeting with the situation (coming to the hospital, to the scene). There may be a feeling of a transparent, but very dense barrier around a situation that does not allow you to come closer or think about what happened. Thoughts can be viscous and tight, as if not willing to move, to tear away information about what happened. Therefore, you will have to ask and ask about what happened many times.

Further, familiar automatic thoughts and reactions may arise, as if nothing had happened (for example, memories of joint plans). There may be an acute desire to immediately finish all the things that are related to what is lost. Panic attacks or other bodily symptoms may occur, often associated with heart pain and difficulty breathing.

The meaning of the stage:This is a natural and earliest mental defense - “I will just pretend that what makes me feel bad is gone, and then it won’t.” What has been lost was of great value and the awareness of this fact can cause many very strong feelings that can break the psyche and radically change your life, and this is more than can be tolerated now. Therefore, the psyche defends itself by denying and rejecting what happened.

Stage Danger:Stuck in denial, live as if nothing had happened. Start constantly physically and psychologically to run away from this and similar situations. Because of this, life will become as if partial.

A task: Understand, acknowledge and acknowledge loss.

What to do: During this period, it is important to be with someone with whom you can calmly and as much as you need to talk about what happened. It is very important to see and touch the body or grave (if it is the death of a loved one), debris (if it is the destruction of a building or area), photographs or things reminiscent of what was lost (if, for example, the end of a relationship or body is not). It is useful to allow yourself to ask about the tragedy as much as you need so that you can put it into yourself.

What to avoid: Avoid forcing yourself to be distracted from what has happened or by the effort of will to pull yourself together. Avoid blaming and scolding yourself for anything. Do not rush yourself to admit the loss. Avoid listening to a variety of tips on how to deal with feelings and grief.

2. THE STAGE OF ANGER (ACCUSATION)

Metaphor: "Punish the guilty"

How is it felt: Indignation, resentment and anger begin to appear inside. There may be a conviction that there is a guilty person in the situation, and then there is a desire to find him and be sure to punish him. Ideas and fantasies may arise about the guilt of a person. This can lead to suspicion. People around who have not experienced this can begin to cause intense envy and therefore hatred. Anger may appear on the deceased (if the tragedy is associated with the death of a loved one). There may be an acute desire to take justice into their own hands and take some action to punish the culprit. Panic attacks and various other bodily symptoms may continue or appear.

The meaning of the stage:There is already an understanding of the fact of the tragedy. But the value of the lost remains the same and the unwillingness to lose is as strong. The psyche actively disagrees with such a reality. The later, and therefore directed outward, to actions, mental protection - anger - comes to the fore. Simply put, such an experience can be expressed as follows: “I did not want this to happen, but it happened. So something or someone did it, against my will. So you need to find something or someone and punish! ”

Stage Danger:To get stuck in anger and distrust of the world and people. Destroy relations with close and important people due to aggression and accusations against them. To harm yourself or others (for example, trying to take revenge, break the law).

A task:Find an adequate way to express aggressive feelings without destroying important relationships and without harming yourself.

What to do: It is useful to talk with a loved one and express anger. It is important to monitor your health and safety. It is useful to engage in active sports, martial arts, because they will help to safely express aggressive feelings. It is also useful to write “letters” expressing your feelings in them (letters can simply be folded on the table), talk with the photo about it or on the grave. If important, then you can understand the incident, but it is better to do this together with a supportive loved one. If there is a violation of the law in the tragedy, then it is worth seeking justice and punishing the perpetrators within the framework of the law. It will be useful to direct anger to some useful work (for example, to help survivors do the same).

What to avoid:Avoid unfair accusations of people. Do not allow yourself to take revenge on anyone. If possible, avoid aggressive behavior towards loved ones.

3. STAGE OF TRADES (WINE)

Metaphor: "Return as it was"

How is it felt:Superstitiousness and faith in omens may suddenly appear, as well as a strong desire to pray or go to church. There may be an acute need for a miracle and a desire to do it (prayers to God, doctors, an appeal to sorcerers, science). You may want to do some kind of “kind” and socially and religiously encouraged action (to donate money or things, to be a volunteer), but in order for it to “conceive” in order to get a reward related to the tragedy from it. Guilt and self-accusation may appear. . Thoughts like “if I ...”, “I should have done / said something,” “I shouldn't have done / said that” can often arise. You may really want to correct your mistakes in relation to the lost. Various bodily symptoms or panic attacks may also continue or appear.

The meaning of the stage: Awareness of the loss has come, the perpetrators have been found, but the value of the lost is so great that it is impossible to refuse it. A characteristic attempt to change what happened, replace what happened with something else, miraculously roll everything back. The psyche is ready to agree to any price in order to change the reality that it does not want to accept. She resorts to the last defense: "magical thinking." This is an echo of the infant "omnipotence": "I am able to command reality, I would only know the right way."

The flip side of the omnipotence coin will be manifested in guilt: “I was able to prevent the tragedy, but I did something wrong, and it happened. So, it's my fault. We need to understand our mistake in order to return everything to its place now and the next time it will not lose something so important. ”

Stage Danger:Stuck in wine. Refuse from relationships with loved ones or from important things in life due to the lack of guarantee that everything will not happen again. Deny yourself the right to joy, happiness, material wealth as a punishment. Too hit the religion, esotericism, sect, like an attempt to punish yourself, atone for or forgive, and lose contact with reality and loved ones because of this.

A task:Realize the irreversibility of the tragedy. Do not allow yourself to be buried in wine and self-blaming. Accept your share of responsibility, if any.

What to do: During this period, it is useful to notice the impossibility of changing what has already happened. To realize the impossibility of influencing events of this order, to experience your non-omnipotence. Try to understand that it was impossible to foresee everything and do everything perfectly. Pay attention to the contribution of other people and circumstances to the tragedy. Seek support and help in experiencing helplessness in front of greater forces (such as the elements and death). If there is an objective fault in what happened, then look for ways and support to survive it and draw conclusions for the future. Look for a way of healthy atonement for others and others. You can find a specific significant person whose forgiveness, in the case of objective guilt, will make sense (for example, parents, priest, doctor). It is useful to write letters in which you can express your feelings, speak with a portrait or a grave (if this is the death of a loved one).

What to avoid: Avoid self-incrimination and self-punishment. Avoid giving up something important for atonement.

4. DEPRESSION STAGE (DESPAIR)

Metaphor: "Death follows"

How is it felt: There is a huge amount of pain, bitterness, helplessness, despair and other feelings that can be strongly manifested in the body by various diseases or symptoms. At the same time, it may be completely unclear what to do with them and how to live with them. There is a strong desire to withdraw in oneself, to be alone, to avoid acquaintances, I especially want to avoid everything that is connected with fun and joy. Interest in life is fading. A depressed state may appear: tears, apathy, sadness, lethargy, weakness, lack of desire to do something, go to work or chat, unwillingness to live. There may be an acute lack of energy, for whatever. It can become very difficult to do routine activities or even take care of yourself. A sense of meaninglessness or intolerance of life may appear. In extreme cases, thoughts of suicide are possible.

The meaning of the stage:All defenses are overcome, the situation is accepted, the perpetrators are found, changes are impossible. The psyche is no longer defended, and, finally, it began to experience the true loss and all the pain associated with it. It can be felt as: "I do not want to live in a world in which there is no longer what was important to me, so I am dying." This is the most difficult, but also the most productive stage of living grief.

Stage Danger: Stuck in grief. Spoil your health. Lose work and friends. Renounce the world. Get into real depression. To do away with life.

A task: Live the feelings of loss.

What to do:It’s useful to talk about tragedy and feelings. It is useful to express feelings in all possible ways: to cry, it is better in a close society, write letters, write poetry, prose, draw pictures, make music, etc. Sometimes you can "aerate", go out somewhere, do your favorite things, not connected in any way with the loss. It is useful to change the situation (take a vacation, go outdoors, move to a place where they can be well taken care of). It is useful to find someone who can help with the household, children, pets, if it is difficult to do it yourself.

What to avoid: Avoid the idea that you need or can deal with grief yourself. You can not force yourself to calm down, pull yourself together. Avoid forcing yourself to have fun.

5. ACCEPTANCE STAGE (SMIRING)

Metaphor: "New life"

How is it felt:A calmer, even state appears. There may be light or light sadness that is not addictive. Positive feelings (joy, laughter, jokes) begin to return to life. Strength and energy return, it becomes possible to do things again that were difficult earlier. The opportunity to work is returning. Maybe there will even be a desire to start something new (project, hobby, acquaintance). You may want to change the environment (change jobs, move to another place, change furniture or wardrobe). If the value of the lost was very great, then there may be a feeling that part of the soul died with it.

The meaning of the stage: Grief is not over yet, this is its last and necessary stage. This is a recovery process. The pain gradually passes, the “wound” no longer bleeds, a scar has formed on it, which still pulls and achs, but no longer causes acute pain with every movement. There are still not very many forces, since they have gone to live grief and continue to go to “wound healing”. Now it is necessary to restore also the expended forces. The psyche understands that it has not collapsed from loss and that life continues, so you can begin to establish a new life, without losing it. The old life is buried and now a new one begins.

Stage Danger: Do not fully recover and return to previous stages. Do not calculate your strength, tackle too much or too difficult, tear yourself and roll into depression.

A task: Recover completely.

What to do:It is useful to gradually regain responsibility and affairs that have been shifted to others. You can search for new interesting beginnings and new projects. You can try something new and interesting together with your loved ones. If there is a desire, then find people with whom you can safely talk about the loss.

What to avoid: Avoid procrastinating tragedy (thinking and talking only about it all the time). Avoid rushing yourself to close the topic of this tragedy and already live life to the fullest, as before. You can’t forbid yourself to have a good time and have fun or blame yourself for it.

Loss is one of the most difficult elements of life that is difficult to put up with. Whether it’s the loss of a loved one, the end of important relationships or major changes in life, you need to burn it out. The grief process is emotionally expensive, but if you are armed with knowledge about the nature of grief and how you can help yourself find peace, this extremely difficult period of life will become a little easier.

Steps

Part 1

Recognize the uniqueness of grief

It is important for you to understand that each person has his own grief experience. No one experiences grief exactly like you. If you feel that you react differently than most people, this is not a big deal. Allow yourself to go through all the emotions inherent only to you and accept your unique experience of pain. There are no identical losses, just as there are no identical reactions to losses.

Recognize that the ‘stages’ of the grief process are not carved in stone. The description of the various stages of death in this article is based on a study initiated by psychologist Elizabeth Kübler-Ross in 1969. Since then, many other psychologists and doctors have supplemented the theory of stages of grief with new thoughts and ideas. It is believed that there are five main stages of grief: denial, anger, internal transaction, depression, and acceptance. However, in reality, the order of passage of these stages may be different. Some people go through two or three stages at the same time, and some do not go through any of them. The grief process is very individual - this article only offers some guidance to help you deal with what you may be experiencing.

Recognize that there is no specific time frame for the grief process. Your grief may be with you for weeks or months, and may take years. What is really important to know is that some days will be better than others. Take it every day as it is. One day, waking up in the morning, you may feel that the world has come to you regarding what happened. Do not scold yourself if the next day you wake up again with a feeling of sadness - the experience of grief comes and goes.

Some researchers describe the grief process as a roller coaster. At first, as in the case of roller coasters, it may seem to you that you have descended deeper than it really is. However, it is important to remember that after the descent there will be an ascent.

Recognize that the mourning process is of various kinds. The concept of grief refers not only to experiencing the death of a loved one. You may grieve over the end of a relationship or the loss of a beloved pet. It may be the realization that for years a hatched dream is never destined to come true. Everyone faces his grief, regardless of the cause. Do not be afraid to grieve. Recognize and accept your emotions, and in time you will see that grief will lose its strength.

Seek comfort in what you believe. This may mean seeking support for your faith or nature, or your favorite things. If you are a follower of a particular religion, seek solace in the rituals and traditions accepted in such cases. Prayer and spiritual meditation can also become a source of peace. If you are a non-religious person, but find peace in the woods or on the seashore, go there. Maybe you believe in family ties. Get strength in everything beautiful and valuable, in what you believe and what you love.
- List on a piece of paper all the feelings you would like to free yourself from, and then burn this list. In many cultures, fire is a symbol of transformation. Let the fire burn and take away all the negative energy.

Part 4

Realize the essence of the five stages of the grief process

Allow yourself to survive the shock. The moment you find out about your loss, you can survive the shock - your mind and body will turn off in an attempt to protect you from the fact that awareness of grief does not completely break you. Often, especially in the face of death, one may encounter the fact that one cannot believe what happened. This is a natural experience.

One member of the family. Of course, we are talking about premature death. The death of a family member before the family went through the main stages of the life cycle. That is, before the children grew up and gained independence, created their own families, have jobs, live independently and so on. Premature death is not death at some age, but death before the family, by and large, has completed its family cycle. For example, a father dies when the children have not completed their education, have not entered an independent life, or even earlier, or the mistress, the mother, dies while the children are still small.

Archpriest Andrei Lorgus

First of all, it is important to understand that the family and each family member individually experiences death in much the same way as a person experiences acceptance of a diagnosis or a state of grief. Here are the same stages according to Kübler-Ross: numbness or shock, denial of death, anger, compassion, acute grief, disorganization of the family, because the functionality of the family is violated, the distribution of roles is violated. Then there is some kind of reorganization, accompanied by a decrease in the intensity of grief, the adoption of the loss of a family member. Then comes the restoration - the family is grieving. Grief can stretch, as we will see later, for a long time.

The first symptom of the family getting out of shock is a certain reorganization of the family, accompanied by a decrease in the intensity of grief. This refers to the fact that as soon as the family begins to redistribute the functions and roles that each member of the family has, as soon as the family adapts to a new lifestyle, immediately there is a decrease in the feeling of depression, confusion, and helplessness. This is because, being involved in active work, a person discovers a way out of the created situation, which gives a feeling of one's own strength. Such activity, active participation, reduces or overcomes a feeling of helplessness and powerlessness. That is, here in inverse proportion - as soon as people begin to somehow change the state of attitude towards loss, these negative qualities immediately decrease. But this does not mean at all that grief disappears. There is grief here at almost all stages, and we will further examine what grief is from a psychological point of view.

Symptoms of “normal” grief

Erich Lindemann (1900 - 1980) highlighted the symptoms of “normal” grief, that is, grief that normally develops in every person. This can be applied to the family. Let us first of all look at the symptoms of “normal grief” in order to later answer the question of how to work with grief.

Primarily, physical symptoms. This is what we observe in a person in whose family death occurred. First of all, these are periodic attacks of physical suffering - these are tears, sobs, fainting, heart attacks and so on. In addition, such a person can feel emptiness in his chest, emptiness in his stomach, weakness, loss of muscle strength: a person just sits, his hands literally lie on his knees or hang along his body, cannot raise them, his head is tilted, the person is either lying down or laid head on hand. It is difficult for him to breathe, he suffocates, there may be shortness of breath, acute hypersensitivity to noise, severe irritability to noise, dry mouth, cramps in the throat, shortness of breath, heart attacks, and so on and so forth.

There may be one of these symptoms, or there may be all at once together. But one must understand that the one who is next to a person in acute grief should, first of all, at the first stage of work with grief take care of physical symptoms. That is, that a person experiencing acute grief, and who has similar symptoms, the first thing: to breathe, and you must breathe forcibly, that is, literally do breathing exercises to breathe; secondly, for a person to sleep, for this, perhaps, you need to give him sleeping pills; further: that a person ate - necessarily, through force, at least, but he must eat; and so that he would have the opportunity to relax in silence, to give him some peace, that is, not to call the phone, and, of course, he should not go to work. Yes, a person can be occupied with some physical work, that is, doing something around the house, but it is very limited, because, as we have already noted here, he most likely has a loss of muscle strength.

Behavioral components. First of all, this is noticeable in speech: intermittent speech, haste, or vice versa, speech retardation, the impression is that a person is taking a drug. Or hardening in one phrase. Of course, confusion, inconsistency of speech. The lack of interest in affairs, everything seems to fall out of hand. Change in eating behavior, for example, lack of appetite, and we must fight against it - it is impossible to provoke appetite, this is an internal desire, therefore we need to force a person to eat a little, little by little. And this requires constant work - you need to cook a person, you need to follow. Usually a person says: “Well, go-go, I’ll eat later.” No. It is imperative that he drink and eat. If someone wants to help a person in acute grief, then he must stay with him.

In the cognitive sphere, that is, in the field of intelligence, a person in acute grief loses confidence in himself, he thinks: “But I can’t do it. I will not succeed. But don’t believe me, I don’t know anything. ” Confusion of thoughts - yes, it can be, difficulties with concentration, with attention - this also happens. But, as a rule, a person notices this in himself.

Emotional sphere - feelings and feelings. . First of all, anger at what happened to him, with his family, with his family. Incidentally, people often suppress this anger, but suppressed anger turns into depression, because depression is suppressed aggression, we must remember this. Feeling helpless, guilty, very sharp guilty. The closer the person who died, the more acute the feeling of guilt. Why? “If I were, I would not have allowed this accident. If I tried, if I found doctors, if I took out the medicines, if, if, if ... ”, very often relatives so blame themselves for being guilty of death. Or a guilty feeling that “I was inattentive,” “I did not talk,” “I left,” “I left him alone,” and so on and so forth.

By the way, which is very important, often close people after the death of a close and not very close person have fear and anxiety for their health and their future as resonance. I often observe during consultations when a person comes and says that he has had panic attacks, and very often in the past, in the recent past of such a person, the fact of the death of a close or not very close relative arises. For example, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, second cousins, brothers. Especially, of course, parents. When someone dies in the family, and a person who knew him closely is involved, as if close to death, this loss, he has a resonance as a resonance for his own life, for his own health.

And very often this fear, suppressed fear turns into acute unconscious anxiety, which can grow into such symptom complexes as panic attacks. Therefore, it is here, in this sphere of family experience, that it is very important to express anxiety for your health. These are normal reactions. This is normal grief. Please note that it is very important to understand that very often aggravated fears, anxieties, panic attacks, and depression can be the result of death in the recent past of a loved one.

How to express anxiety? Generally speaking, all the feelings that a person only has to be expressed. What does it mean to express? At least two things, this means: firstly, to recognize, be aware of, and secondly, to pronounce or express somehow differently. But at least if you acknowledge anxiety, anger in yourself, you can recognize them in yourself, this is the first very important fact, and the second - you can say that. With whom and how, when to express it, when to voice it, it is already necessary to look at the situation. For this, there are close people, friends.

What to do with guilt? Feeling guilty is a separate work. But we must understand that very often, when a loved one dies, we have partially imaginary guilt, neurotic guilt, partially genuine guilt. And we must understand the difference between them, this is a job with a specialist, but it takes a long time. In any case, at the time of acute grief with guilt, it is very difficult to work or better not.

Here is the time of grief when the grief touches.

First stage, from a day to two - this is shock and denial of loss. What does denial of loss mean? For example, when relatives are informed of death, they do not believe in it. Literally do not believe in it. That is, they begin to continue to turn to doctors and relatives so that they confirm to them that this is actually not so. At this stage in the denial of loss, some family members may be stuck for years to come or for the rest of their lives. I know such women who do not believe in the death of their child, for example, and continue to preserve the whole situation in the house, the things of the deceased child, supporting for themselves a ghostly illusory myth that the child will return to his house, where his things are waiting, where he is waiting for him room and everything else.

Getting stuck at this negative stage is very painful, can lead to family dysfunction such that it can literally fall apart. Many family members simply leave such a family, they can no longer remain in it, because you can not live next to those who continue to expect a long-dead, buried and buried, inveterate family member.

During first weekOf course, there is exhaustion, because there was a funeral, there was a burial, there was a funeral service, meetings, commemoration, and so on. The emotional and physical exhaustion of the family is very pronounced here. And, of course, here you need to take care of friends and acquaintances, relatives and the members of the family themselves that the family needs rest, solitude, silence, peace.

Two to five weeks, that is, something like a month: many family members return to everyday life - to work, to a normal way of life, to their affairs, which were interrupted for a week, maybe someone has less, someone has more. And then the closest ones feel more loss, because the guests parted, and distant relatives returned to their lives. They remain with this void of loss. And they have more acute anguish, anger, grief. The shock passes, there comes a time of acute grief, which can last a very long time - from one and a half months to three months, there is a transitional stage of anguish and anger.

Three months and up to a year mourning lasts, one might say, a feeling of helplessness, regressive behavior of family members. For example, one of the family members may suddenly turn into the likeness of a small child who needs additional care and supervision. Perhaps someone will be affected more. And someone will look for a substitute for this behavior - someone who, as it were, will assume the function of the deceased. It can be a variety of family members. Children replace the deceased parent, the parent sometimes plays in the deceased deceased child, and so on. That is, there are amazing adventures with substitute behavior. Of course, with pathological behavior, with behavior that introduces even greater dysfunction into the family, except grief itself.

Finally going on anniversary. This is a very important moment when the family, in fact, has the opportunity to celebrate this anniversary. Anniversary is a very important event when a particular grief rises to a family symbolic grief, when a ritual end is performed. That is, this commemoration, this commemoration, this worship, this is prayer, this is a trip to the cemetery, maybe even to another city, to another district. But, in any case, the relatives gather again, and the common grief eases the grief of the closest relatives. If you do not get stuck, because often the closest relatives are not ready to part with their mourning, are not ready to part with their grief.

What is stuck? Jam is when a family cannot overcome a certain stage of grief, and a person cannot overcome. And this means that he does not return to everyday life, he continues to live in a pathological life, where his mental state destroys his health again and again.

Finally, from one and a half to two years after the loss, the family has the opportunity to return to their previous lives. Of course, to the former, but without the one who left forever. That is, by this time, the functions of the family are in one way or another redistributed. The structure has again come into some balance due to new roles: roles are replaced, functions are redistributed, the structure continues to be in some kind of balance again. Of course, in a new equilibrium.

If a family loses an unborn child, then what will be the specificity of the stages? The stages are not the same. Here, grief is also, and it is very important that the mother and father of the unborn child jointly experience and live this grief. Here, as a rule, unauthorized people who may simply not be initiated into this are not involved. Therefore, it is very important here that the parents of this child - mother and father, husband and wife - so that they together, not separately, but together experience this grief, so that they help themselves to go through these stages. But to some extent, this is similar to the loss of a child, only there is no contact, there is no visual memory, auditory memory, empathy with this child. Everything is a little different here, and the circumstances under which the child died are still very important. If the circumstances are somehow connected with the lifestyle of the couple or specifically the mother who was carrying this child, then there will, of course, be a very serious problem with guilt. And if there was some unforeseen health problem or something else, then there will also be a guilty feeling that we didn’t do everything, or it depended on something, there may be mutual accusations of heredity and so on, there is a specificity here.

What does working with the grief of family and loved ones mean? First of all, it is important to help the family go through all the stages.. How? Each stage has its own symptomatology of behavior. Say, at the stage of anguish and anger, it is very important to help with a close recollection of the life of the deceased, experiencing again his whole life, starting from the very early years of his life, to look at his archives, his files, his photographs. And at this stage, by the way, certain myths are born, which is not bad, because the family copes with grief in this way. Certain ideas are born, some memorial ideas of the monument, compilation of the album, and so on arise. That is, there are many very important things that help you survive. And if someone helps the family survive, it means that he listens, hears many times the same thing about the deceased - how he was sick, how he was dying, what the family members were experiencing at that moment, this everything is very important.

Assistants

As a matter of fact, the work of family assistants, friends, relatives is what it is to be, be present in the family and listen endlessly to these stories, these repetitions that change once in a while, and this is partly to help overcome grief. And, of course, you need to take care of loved ones who are experiencing grief, so that they sleep, eat, relax and quietly return to life, which continues to wait for them.

Of course, I must say again that working with acute grief, working with people who have experienced a difficult situation, is a serious work, and it begins, first of all, with the resources of the assistants themselves. That is, helpers need diagnostics, helpers need training before they take on this. Naturally, if this is about relatives - no one asks them. Relatives meet with grief because they are relatives, and not because they undertook to help. But if they are volunteers, if they are close friends, then they should understand that they can only help if they themselves are able to regulate their emotional behavior, they themselves can be quite emotionally stable. And here is another very important thing: all those who help in acute grief need to undergo a course of healing from superstition and magic.

Questions

Is there a risk when loved ones do not disperse, but remain to support the most grieving family member that they will slow down the stage of experiencing grief and vice versa prolong the process?

No, on the contrary. If they linger, remain in the family where the death occurred, they help overcome grief. Because, I say again, the life of the deceased is being lived anew, repeated, told. These are all important psychotherapeutic rituals that help, and close ones are precisely those people who can help the family.

What help can be provided if substitution behavior appears in the family?

If family members accept this substitute behavior and do not want to get rid of it, it can hardly be helped. For example, it often happens that a child is born within a year or two after the death of one of the family members. And sometimes he is called the name of the deceased. Or even more so, how would they appoint him to replace him, especially if the eldest child has died, then the younger one will be appointed as if to be his deputy. Or if, for example, the father died, the eldest daughter assumes the functions of the father, in order for the mother and other children to replace the father.

Unfortunately, in such cases, the family is reluctant to acknowledge this truly pathological situation, because it suits such a situation. And very often both the "deputy" and those who accept this substitutional assistance may be satisfied with this situation. But when the family or these family members are ready to realize what is happening to them, then you can help them realize why this happened and what happened in the family in this situation. Therefore, it is not always possible to help.

If it is obvious that a person is stuck at some stage of grief, but does not recognize this, how can he be helped?

If a person does not want to leave this stage, one cannot forcefully drag him somewhere. But at least you can be around and not participate in his myths. For example, a mother, looking at a photograph of her son, turns to him as if alive, trying to talk to him, to consult with him. You are not required to participate in this. And you can not explain and not bring your mother to clean water, but you can not participate in this myth. You can absolutely soberly and unequivocally speak of a person as deceased, pray for him, remember him and not pretend that you also think that the person has not died. This will already be enough help. In any case, a person suffering from such a jam may pay attention, may ask you for help, and maybe it will be easier for him next to you. Or maybe he will push you away with aggression, drive you away. But at least he will have a chance to find out the truth from the one who was next to him.

We need to understand that where a person wants to be deceived, wants to live in an unreal world, wants to live with a myth, we cannot convince him, we cannot force him to live in reality. But we ourselves, who live nearby, can continue to live in reality, without playing along with the mythology of another.

Prepared by Tamara Ameline