How to resolve the conflict with the boss? Conflict with superiors.

“My deep conviction that all conflicts at work is due to the fact that people almost do not talk, do not give honest feedback, do not voice expectations or even lie. Then there is a conflict. One expected that he would be awarded for a well-made project, and the second thought that the first would guess - the project was poorly done, although no one spoke about it, ”said Marina Lvova, HeadHunter HR Director.

The main role of the leader is to give feedback in time, to adjust employee behavior. This has a positive effect on the result. But most often, leaders are silent. Or they think that there is no need to explain the obvious - the employee himself will guess how it is customary for the company to interact, what is expected of him and how he should achieve it.

“Another cause of conflict is the reluctance to work. And both can not want to: the employee and the head. As a result, everyone has to create an imitation of violent activity, and the company does not get any result. The third reason is a mismatch of goals: personal and corporate. As a rule, this is also due to the inability to correctly communicate the goals of the company so that it would be interesting for a person to accept them in the context of his personal goals. ”

The basis of the conflict at work is the mismatch of expectations and reality. The reasons are different. From poorly formulated tasks to contradictions for the goals of the company and the employee.

Useful notes: how to criticize and how to respond to criticism

Open communication at all levels is conflict prevention. This works if any employee is able to professionally respond to comments and competently criticize. Therefore, both the employee and the employer need to be able to listen and talk.

Useless criticism may be

Eugene, redo everything! It is impossible to show decent people!
Lyuda, you don’t know how to work with clients at all! Do something about it!
Ivan Ivanovich, I will not even begin to undertake this work! A waste of time, don't you understand ?!

Useful conversation looks different

Eugene, our client asked to add his own photos from the objects to the presentation. But, as we see, the quality of the pictures is terrible. This, of course, is not your fault. Let's ask the client for other files or offer to hire a photographer and take all the objects in two days. What do you think?
Lyudmila, I want to tell you a little about our customer communication policy. Firstly, we communicate in the office only for you, ...
Ivan Ivanovich, I would not want to waste your and my time on this work. And that's why...

Useful comments appear when a person has figured out a task, saw a mistake, and can formulate what has been done wrong. If the feedback from colleagues or the manager is too emotional, it is better to take a break: “Sergey, I see, we better stop now. Let's think about this problem a bit and talk in about 15 minutes. ” A remark is a desire to better complete a common task, rather than spoil the mood.

“In my opinion, if managers quickly and honestly answer questions from employees, they perceive feedback not as a personal attack, but as a desire to make the company better and stronger, this increases the level of trust in both the company and the leader. This needs to be taught - to create programs, to have a director general at the forefront of this culture, ”notes Marina Lvova.

The correct reaction to incomprehensible remarks or emotional criticism is a question of what exactly is not in order. If they criticize you, and not you - keep a neutral tone of communication, refer only to facts, clarify everything that is not clear, and take a break when necessary.

When gave vent to emotions

Oleg, why are you blaming me? Others have nothing to do with it? Always a little bit - it's my fault right away!
And then I’ll deal with others! Now talk about you.
Well, I do not! Enough with me! I quit!

When turned to the facts

Vasya, the project is on fire. Actually, I instructed you to follow everything. What the heck?
Oleg, no problem, let's discuss. What are the questions for me?
What to discuss? Timing is already running out, and the teams are somehow working. There are no materials, the client has already phoned me - he wants to see, but there is nothing to show!
Vasya, I urgently transferred one brigade to glazing. There, the facade decoration is tied - until the windows are finished, we will not be able to finish the lining.
Okay then. What about the materials?
He returned the paint that was ordered for the hall. The painter made a mistake and gave the wrong color. Yes, not yet matte, but sent a glossy one - there everything will be blinded, Vasya, if we leave it like that. The store promised to replace everything in two days. In the meantime, the team is busy on the windows anyway.
Oh well. When do you finish the hall? The customer must be encouraged.
I hope that we will do it by Friday.
Okay. I will invite him on Sunday. But for sure everything was ready. Deal?
Hands on, Vasya.

How to reduce emotional stress in a conversation

There are many scenarios in which conflict can develop. If we exclude professional disagreements, we get a set of situations where quarrels occur because of too strong emotions. Business coach Denis Edelkin advises reducing emotional stress in a conversation. To do this, you need to understand why the boss is suddenly annoyed and raises his voice:

“The first possible reason is that the leader himself is in constant strong tension and, as a result, begins to pass it on to others. Even if the chef behaves in a similar manner with all his subordinates, you may notice that someone gets more than the rest - and this is far from always related to the achievements of each member of the team. Simply, once having caught that you succumb to such provocations, the boss involuntarily chooses you as an interlocutor for discharge.

In this case, you need to master the methods of reducing emotional stress in the conversation - they will allow you to communicate more constructively and even build relationships. In the eyes of the chef you will look more confident. "

Emphasize the community with the partner - the similarity of goals, interests, professional qualities:

Ivan Ivanovich, just like you, I want the project to be completed on time. That is why I ask you to clarify what is the reason for your disagreement with paragraph number 3?
It is important for all of us to eliminate the risks that arise when this system is launched. Just for this, I ask you to give me another day to describe a detailed algorithm of actions for ...
We both want to do better, and therefore I ask for your support in the matter ... because it will provide an opportunity ...

Recognize the importance of the partner, his opinions:

Ivan Ivanovich, I would have your ability to insist on my own! I would then be able to convince you that ...
I envy your ability to see the details and therefore please clarify which of the options I proposed was better.

“Perhaps the manager believes that he is using the only right way to manage, and retiring employees are acceptable losses on the way to the goal.

A decisive, straightforward, result-oriented, impatient, requiring immediate return winner by nature - all these characteristics, the researcher and founder of Persona Global, John Horstein, uses in describing such a communicative style as a “controller”. His leading needs are the desire to make decisions and achieve goals.

People with a similar communication style often perceive others as nothing more than a resource. Acceptance is far from their strongest trait, but with sincerity they are doing well, even too much. They usually do not hide their displeasure and directly say everything that they do not like, not caring about how it will be perceived by others. Accordingly, in a dialogue with them, it is also worth betting on what is their strength. In other words, directness (correct), and sometimes an advancing game in the style of “scold yourself,” plus short phrases with an emphasis on results, is needed, ”explains Denis Edelkin.

Ivan Ivanovich, I know that you will most likely criticize my proposal, but I am sure that our fears should not interfere with the common cause ...
I have suggestions that will reduce the project implementation time by two days (reduce material consumption by 5%, reduce weight by N times, and so on) and three reasons to be sure of this.
Ivan Ivanovich, I went so that you would criticize my edits on the project ...
Ivan Ivanovich, all your comments are important to me, and if you added what my steps were right, I would be able to quickly achieve the desired result and I would be very grateful to you ... (hold a pause).
Ivan Ivanovich, I don’t know what to think: on the one hand, I see that there is the result of my work, on the other, you criticize all my suggestions. Tell me what to do to get your support?

Quiet and friendly intonation is very important, says Denis Edelkin. Only in this case, tricks and phrases will work. To feel more confident, it is useful to train the skill of reasonably defending your position. Best of all, debate helps.

A conversation without unnecessary emotions is the fastest way to compare expectations and move on to specific steps. You can also quickly figure out the reasons and settle the conflict, using the help of a third party. For example, the staff department helps.

What to ask arguing

In a conversation with each participant in the conflict, it is important to ask the right questions. A conversation can be built like this:

What, in your opinion, is the conflict?
How would you respond in the place of a manager / employee?
What recommendations would you give yourself on the spot manager / employee?
What specific topics would you like to discuss with the manager / employee?
Write for yourself a list of expectations and suggestions for changing the interaction.
Determine if you want us to be present during your conversation? What kind of support do you need from us?

“I recommend involving the personnel department at the very beginning of the conflict. We do not solve conflicts, but we help the employee and the manager to hear each other, deal with emotions, separate them from facts and draw up an action plan. Even when the leader and employee do not want to work with each other anymore, we help to leave in a civilized manner, ”says Marina Lvova.

It is important that the personnel department maintain a neutral attitude towards all parties to the conflict. This is a guarantee of a correct and impartial decision. If the work of the department is organized correctly, then both the head and the employee can seek help. This is possible if the department is ethical and there is no doubt about its neutrality.

One way for a leader to prevent conflicts is to write instructions to himself. These are the rules of interaction with superiors for other employees. When the basic concepts are thought out and formulated, there are fewer misunderstandings. So not only the leader protects himself from conflict, but the team works better.

The main thing:

The conflict begins when expectations do not coincide with reality. The best prevention of conflicts is to voice expectations, compare them with the capabilities of the team.
The ability to correctly comment and calmly respond to criticism is protection against unnecessary disagreements. You can conduct training for the team to develop these skills.
Talking to the facts works better than emotional verbal skirmishes. If you feel that the situation is heating up - say so, offer to take a break.
The conflict can be resolved with the help of a third party. For example, by contacting the personnel department. Here neutrality and ethics are important.
Civilized communication is important at every stage - from employment to dismissal. If you cannot avoid breaking the contract, keep calm and try to part with dignity.

Conflict with the boss often causes a lot of emotions. And this is not surprising. Indeed, our economic security, the stability of our incomes, and sometimes our careers, depend to some extent (and sometimes very large) on the boss.

And if we do not trust this person, consider him incompetent, or, even worse, consider him hostile to us, then our anxiety increases many times over.

What options can take place in a conflict with the boss?

Passive-aggressive sabotage (I do everything that is prescribed according to the instructions and not a step more) - in fact, the path of confrontation

A reinforced version of the previous strategy is active sabotage and an attempt to sit the boss, drawing other people into the conflict, black PR, search for status patrons and opportunities to undermine the boss’s authority

A skeptical and condescending attitude, when you do not claim to be his place, but you cannot be called a loyal ally and team member ... the range of reactions to the actions of the boss: from cynical ridicule to "pity for the wretched"

Neutrality, restraint of one's subjective assessments and emotional reactions, an attempt to relate to the boss in the style of "only business, nothing personal"

Offhand, perhaps all. Or almost everything, but we will consider other options later.

What can any of these tactics lead to?

The boss is hardly completely insensitive to relationships between people and to emotions. You are not a robot either. Any emotional negativity or even just skepticism breaks out. The head will definitely feel it. And he will either try to clarify (which happens infrequently) or act on the basis of his equally aggressive projections. The only difference is that the leader has not only informal resources, but also quite official levers of power. And he will not use them in order to improve your life in the company. In an extreme case, he will directly offer you to leave or arrange your dismissal in the way that is accepted in this company.

And there seems to be an opportunity for a constructive solution to any conflict. But, with a pronounced emotional-negative attitude, the subordinate is unlikely to have the desire and the courage to go to the bosses and resolve the conflict. The situation is aggravated by the formal inequality of positions. It is always easier for the boss to initiate such negotiations if he is interested in them. A good boss should be interested. But ... the boss is the same person, with the same emotions. And if he already (including thanks to your destructive activity) made a conclusion about your loyalty and intellect, then he is unlikely to hesitate for a long time before firing you or refusing to increase.

What to do in this case?

Indeed, it is a psychologist, strangely enough, that can help in such a situation. Sometimes the attitude to the boss is distorted by what is called his own family system dynamics. The boss can be unknowingly associated with a parent figure from your family and then the attitude towards him will be determined more by your family history than by the boss’s real actions. And the actions of the boss in relation to you in this case can be determined not only by him, but also by your unconscious attitude towards him. In such a situation, it is really worth turning to a psychologist to change the stereotype of relations with the boss.

In general, system theory suggests that if you came to the organization earlier than the boss, then, indeed, the conflict potential lies in the situation itself. And, as the author of the article says, such a boss will need to show high enough flexibility and managerial competence to take his place as a leader in the organization. If the boss worked in the organization before you came and you begin to doubt his competence or ethics, then the best option is to leave the organization. Trying to sit down such a boss, turn to an older management through his head or passive sabotage is more likely to hurt your career than to succeed.

There is a saying: lead, show the way or get out of the way. It is not constructive to criticize without offering a real alternative course that can be supported by this leader. If you do not trust your leader, then continue to work with him, not respecting him, this is at least hypocrisy.

Contact a psychologist and he will help you choose the right line of behavior in a difficult conflict situation, get out of it with minimal losses, or even, on the contrary, earn points and strengthen your position in the organization.

The Village, with the help of experts, continues to find answers to working questions. This time they gathered different opinions on how to resolve a conflict with the leadership, which happened due to disagreements in the work or simply because of a mismatch of characters.

Elena Yakhontova

professor, Graduate School of Corporate Management, Doctor of Sociology

Disputes and conflicts with the boss not on production topics never adorn the employee. Therefore, the first thing to do is to apologize for stupidity. In this case, there is a chance to continue working normally and to leave well when leaving.

Bosses are both smart and stupid. They are also people and often themselves provoke subordinates to disputes and conflicts. The subordinate position of the employee obliges him to increased prudence and awareness of the consequences, especially when it is extremely difficult to find a good job in the labor market. It is doubly necessary to be careful when dealing with a stupid leader. A universal rule and at the same time popular wisdom is “silence is gold”. In response to provocations, it is better to remain silent than to engage in meaningless disputes.

As for production disputes, it is better to conduct them in the form of discussions, that is, focusing on respect for the point of view of the interlocutor and the search for truth, not just trying to prove their case. However, discussions can be predominantly with smart leaders.
All the same, you will have to adapt to stupid ones and solve business issues, evading meaningless dialogues.

Irina Petrova

hR Director Coca-Cola HBC Russia

So that after a conflict with your bosses you don’t want to quit, learn to build effective working relationships. Often conflicts on working issues occur because the parties' expectations do not coincide. The easiest way to avoid this is to talk to the manager about what you expect from each other, agree on a “shore” success picture, before starting a project or assignment. The main thing is that the employee is not afraid to initiate conversations with the boss and himself takes the initiative to receive feedback without waiting for the end of the project. This increases the likelihood that the final result of the work will suit everyone, and if something goes wrong, you can correct the situation in time. As a result of the project, it is important to constructively discuss what more needs to be done to improve the results in the future.

In addition, it happens that the cause of work conflicts is not at all in the manager, but in the employee himself. In order to look at himself from the outside, an employee can pass a “360 degrees” assessment and receive full and anonymous feedback not only from the boss, but also from colleagues from different departments with whom he interacts in the work process. The results can be very unexpected. This tool helps the employee to pay attention to areas for development and to timely review their behavior, if necessary.

Another effective method for resolving a conflict situation with superiors is a coaching session. An employee comes to a conversation with a certified coach and discusses the current situation. Says basically the employee himself, describes the problem and the reasons why, from his point of view, it could arise. The coach only asks clarifying and guiding questions. Answering them, a person independently finds ways out of a difficult situation, sometimes non-standard.

Anastasia Dankova

trainer of the training company OD&M personnel holding Gi Group

A common language at work with anyone else is probably the most important factor by which employees evaluate their own pleasure in working (we leave the professional component out of the brackets). However, this is always the result of the daily painstaking work of all participants in the process. Therefore, the first and main recipe for resolving a dispute with a colleague or boss is not to bring the matter to conflict.

A dispute is a clash of opinions, judgments, hypotheses, in a word, several rational points of view.
And the conflict is a clash of pride, ambition, that is, emotions. Therefore, any point of view can be argued, translate your own desires into a business language, use standard negotiation techniques and even work with negative ones. And, as in the negotiations, it is worth sticking to the win-win strategy so as not to hurt anyone’s vanity even by accident.

If we are talking about the discontent of the higher authorities, then personally I would advise first to observe subordination and try to resolve the issue through the line manager or, if this is not possible, I asked the immediate boss for permission to contact the big boss directly. Of course
you need to prepare for such a conversation - to think over a line of behavior, possible questions and your answers to them.

Often the source of the conflict is not the essence of the statement, but its form. That is, if the same wish was voiced with neutral intonation and in calm expressions, it would be immediately accepted for execution, perhaps even with gratitude. But as soon as emotions are connected, “what right he had the right to speak with me in this vein!”, This ends the possibility of solving the situation itself.

Take a break, exhale and calmly evaluate the consequences. It may well be that the other side itself regrets its incontinence, and also cherishes its vanity and does not go first to the world. Start the conversation yourself. Personally, in such situations, the statement “Rights are not the one who is right, but who was the first to end the conflict.” A thin world is always better than a good quarrel.

Kirill Mamentyev

law office "Mamentiev, Tatarinova
and partners "

The relationship between the employee and the employer can change at any time, even if you are the most successful and useful screw in the global mechanism. In any case, labor law is more likely to protect the rights and interests of the employee, and the manipulation of rash dismissal, as a rule, develops into a lawsuit where the employer can confidently lose.

I know that in most conflict cases it is always possible to agree, the employer is always interested in quietly and without consequences parting with an undesirable character, but stubborn confidence in his rightness can become an obstacle and then you can’t do without a court. An employee who has a conflict situation needs to consult with a lawyer and, in the future, with nice communication with his superiors, indicate his legal literacy, this always helps. If you don’t find a common language with your immediate supervisor, then get down to work,
rather than trying to look better or even begin to play the role of an all-pleasing jester that is unusual for you, be yourself.

But in the case of a conflict not on a working topic, it’s more difficult, because in a team rumors are born, multiplied and turned upside down. There are some tips that work like a Swiss watch: do not abuse alcohol at corporate parties, do not have intimate relationships with colleagues and keep track of what and how you tell others. If you follow these three rules, you will definitely avoid 90% of problems with superiors.

cover: Dasha Koshkina

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The status of a leader obliges both a man and a woman to demonstrate an imperious, independent, dominant style of behavior. However, a male leader and a female leader behave completely differently in a conflict.

Female executive

A female leader is always very keenly and painfully experiencing conflicts with her subordinates. In an open collision, it is unpredictable and spontaneous, it is dominated by emotions that are certainly transmitted to others. In the heat of a quarrel, a lady boss can remind you of all past miscalculations, blame you for your failures: "You brought me your incompetence and stupidity."

For a long time after the skirmish, the leader will worry about her incontinence, analyze the words you uttered at her, and her discontent is always projected on others. Naturally, you will feel disgusting. A logical question arises: do you need all this? You must learn to evade conflicts, to recognize and prevent emerging quarrels in time.

A female leader is inclined to treat her subordinates maternally. The bosses especially like to take care of their young secretaries. Communication with you is built from the position of “I am an adult, you are a child. I know better what and how to do. " Part of the reason for this state of affairs may be your behavior. How often in response to the teachings and instructions of the boss you were offended, irritated and heated, defending your independence and competence? A demonstration of such (typically childish!) Emotional reactions will only convince the boss of your immaturity.

Pay attention to , what they say to you, trying not to pay attention to the boss’s manner of presenting their recommendations, react calmly and in a businesslike way to comments and suggestions - you are gaining invaluable professional experience. Try to communicate with the boss on an equal footing, without fawning and self-abasement, you are partners and colleagues, professionals who are engaged in a common business.

“I knew that you would do everything the other way around!”, “I wonder what they only taught you?”, “Let's see what happens this time ...” Acrid taunts from the head’s lips hurt her pride, and her mood spoils desire to work disappears.

Do not make excuses and do not apologize - the last word will still remain with the boss. Acknowledge your shortcomings: “I am understanding your concern. I really was wrong. This is a good lesson for the future. ” Professional growth of a specialist is a long process. Years will pass, and you will surely gratefully recall your first leader, so demanding and strict.

If a conflict with the leader can not be avoided ...

- Listen carefully to everything that concerns you.

- Talk only about your feelings and thoughts, do not explain to the boss what she thinks and feels.

- Avoid generalizations, accusations, and negative ratings.

- Forget about the weaknesses of the leader and the facts communicated to you "in confidence."

- Find the courage to discuss with the boss the true reasons for the disagreements: only by clarifying their essence, you can understand each other.

Male executive

“My business is well organized. Everything went like clockwork, everyone was happy, and now it’s up to you ... ”That's about how a male leader thinks when he finds himself a participant in the conflict. As a rule, open disagreements confuse the chef, internally he is lost and does not know how to behave. The man acts in accordance with social expectations. Most likely, the chef will perceive you as the culprit of annoying misunderstandings and will suppress the conflict with directive, not interested in your feelings and interests: “Take care of the business better!”

Your task is not to bring matters to quarrel. Do not carry resentment, do not accumulate irritation, seek to discuss any problem "here and now." A man is always focused on tasks; he feels confident in a situation of business negotiations.

A male leader is inclined to perceive a female subordinate through the prism of a stereotype, the essence of which was also indicated by Plato: "... By nature, both a woman and a man can take part in all matters, but a woman is much more weak than a man."

The chief’s illusions are especially pronounced in relation to young inexperienced employees in whom he sees a young beauty, ““ decoration of the office, ”and by no means a specialist. The behavior of the chef in this case can be different: from unpleasant ridicule and remarks addressed to you to outright familiarity. Many girls get lost and do not know how to react to this. The main thing is to exclude ingratiation, servility, timidity and even more so - the approval of immodest hints of the boss. By the way, tuned to a certain wave, the boss can interpret even neutral views and gestures in his favor. Once in such a situation, you should clearly stipulate your job responsibilities and make clear to the head that you are going to limit yourself to their implementation only. If you are persistently “not understood”, there is always a choice: to remain as a temporary favorite with a loving boss or to find a decent and stable job in another team.

The head of an enterprise constantly complained about the business successes of his secretary. The girl was the subject of unfair criticism. Repeatedly she hinted about an imminent change of work. It turned out that the reason for doubts about the competence of the employee was her "soft" style of interaction with the boss, uncertainty and inconsistency in behavior.

Serious people who have achieved a lot in life have strict requirements for others. According to male leaders, without activity and confidence it is impossible to achieve good results. They want to see these qualities in their employees. Moreover, sometimes the lack of external manifestations of the desired characteristics is sufficient for dissatisfaction.

Due to some character traits of the head, the image of the organization may suffer, and its effectiveness may decrease. In absent-mindedness, the chef mixed up time and was late for negotiations, missed an important interview. However, he never openly admits his forgetfulness. On the contrary, he will reproach that you did not remind in time, did not inform.

Ask the chef to introduce you to the work schedule and warn him in advance of what is planned. But, choosing such a tactic, stick to the "golden mean", otherwise you risk becoming a "nanny" of an absent-minded boss. If you have just changed your job, carefully look at the chef - gradually you will learn all the features of his character. In addition, you will learn a lot from other employees.

If a conflict with the leader can not be avoided ...

- Carefully listen to what the leader offers, try not only to penetrate the meaning of his words, but also to understand those feelings and aspirations that are usually hidden behind what has been said.

- Forget about previous disagreements, speak out only on the merits of a controversial issue; Do not concentrate on the unpleasant personal qualities of a leader.

- Speak calmly and with dignity, do not let emotions take hold of you.