How to resolve the conflict. How to smooth out a conflict

Conflict P: Hold on softer. You can change yourself or change others not only from under the stick. A: Interpersonal conflicts do not always “rock the boat.” E: If you want to always come out victorious, others will have to constantly yield. Sooner or later people get bored

Responsibility for Conflict Feedback, coaching, mentoring, evaluation, and friendly confrontation techniques can help employees resolve conflicts at work. But for the greater effectiveness of these methods, you need a person who will help them

A Real Conflict of Interest We all take it for granted that the work of journalists should not be paid in advance by the people they write about or have financial relations with (for example, they own shares in the company they report). Conflict of interest affects

Despite compatibility and deep love, sooner or later you will still encounter foreheads in some vital matters. There is no need to regard the contradictions that have arisen between you as an occasion for doubt. There are disagreements between all the people who coexist together. In fact, conflict can serve as a necessary impetus to strengthen your relationship. Learn how to resolve contradictions and avoid long-term harm to your relationship.

Steps

Part 1

Beware of conflict situations when you experience a feeling of hunger, loneliness, anger and fatigue. In groups of mutual assistance and support, they believe that there are certain states of a person in which he is most vulnerable emotionally. This advice will be useful in that period of time when you have little strength and you are not able to effectively cope with a stressful situation, such as a quarrel with a guy.

• Before you try to resolve the contradictions in the relationship, to begin with, satisfy your basic needs. Before talking with a partner, assess your condition. If you experience hunger, anger, longing, or tiredness, it is better to postpone the discussion of the problem until you satisfy basic needs.

1. Postpone the conversation until you take control of emotions.  The first step in resolving the conflict is to establish control over your emotions. If due to anger, nervous breakdown or disgust your mind is confused, you can talk or do things that you will later regret. Keep yourself in control, and then you can maintain a conversation that will be productive for the relationship.

   Develop emotional self-regulation by sedation.  You must first take control of the surging senses if they continue to cloud your mind. Establish control over emotions using the following regulatory methods:

   • Breathe deeply with the 4-7-8 counting method. Inhale through the nose, counting to 4. Hold your breath, counting to 7, and exhale through your mouth, counting to 8.
   • Try the practice of mindfulness by focusing on the bodily sensations you experience. Along with deep breaths, try to understand and name the emotions you are experiencing in the moment, and also find their real manifestations (for example, clenched fists or strained shoulders).
   • Call a friend to pour out his soul or to distract from the problem that bothers you.
   • Walk your beloved dog.
   • Listen to soothing music.

2. Record your condition.  Keeping a stress diary can be a great way to get rid of it, to understand what you think, and to collect thoughts after a quarrel. This method is used in training emotional self-regulation, while being one of the ways to solve the problem.

   • Take a pen and notebook and in a free form describe the problem that has arisen between you and your partner. Describe your thoughts, feelings and desires in as much detail as possible. Recreating the problem in writing contributes to a better understanding of both sides of the conflict.
   • You can use a notebook as a role-playing tool and record everything in it that you would like to tell your partner after a quarrel. Begin the story with: “Dear / dear ...” The process of describing feelings will clarify thoughts and help you decide on further actions.

   Part 2

   Effective communication

   1. Try to listen carefully.  Conversation is the key that unlocks any door to conflict. For a productive dialogue, you must carefully and carefully listen to your partner, and that he listened to you. Many communication problems arise when you listen to answer, not to understand. Use the following tips:

      • Take away anything that might distract you: turn off the TV and put the phone in silent mode.
      • Turn to the partner face. Lean a little towards him. Make eye contact.
      • Before answering, listen to the person to the end.
      • Retell what you heard, saying something like: "It sounds like you are talking ..."
      • Try to empathize by looking for what you agree with in your partner’s story.
   2. • "I" suggestions help you take responsibility for your own thoughts and feelings, minimizing the defensive position of a partner. "A, B, C" facts will help him see the specifics.
      • For example, say this: "When you come home (A), and immediately go to bed (B), I feel completely unnecessary (C)." A conversation can be more effective if you immediately start with point "B" and the sentence "I": "I feel completely unnecessary when you return home and immediately go to bed."

   3. Operate with facts from the present.  Often we make an elephant out of a fly when one of the parties begins to recall the insults of the past. Always focus on the present and the pressing issue.

      • When you recall past grievances, your ability to overcome a conflict situation is much more complicated. If this happened, one of you should tactfully pay attention: "Listen, honey, let's not tear up the past, but focus on what we can do here and now. Okay?"

   4. Point not to the person himself, but to his behavior.  There is also another potential hindrance for a productive dialogue, when one of the partners attacks the person, and does not solve the problem. If one of you has embarked on a long tirade about the personal qualities of a partner, then, most likely, the anger and defensive reaction of the second will only increase.

      Sit side by side.  It is difficult to maneuver in tense negotiations without eye contact. When discussing difficult topics, relationship experts suggest starting a conversation in a position where both partners are sitting side by side.

      Resort to humor.  Defuse the atmosphere with playfulness and carelessness, this will help to cope with the sharp contradiction. One of the partners is enough to use humor to quickly dispel the tension and overcome the conflict between people in love.

The ability to resolve conflicts is the first step to effective communication in the family or at work.
  Relations where conflicts periodically arise, with subsequent clarification of the situation, are considered more prosperous than those where there are no conflicts at all.

This statement shows the true essence of the conflict, which can both destroy and strengthen relations.

Conflict Response Types

Most common style conflict response  - This is the avoidance or denial of conflict as such. In this case, the conflict is pushed into the background by its participants, but continues to “accompany” it in any common interactions, creating the potential for further tension and even greater conflict.

The second common reaction to conflict  - blame his partner for everything and shift the responsibility for what is happening to him, and go on the offensive himself. This is possible when participants mistakenly confuse the conflict with the possibility of “free” expression of their negative emotions. The release of steam does not help the resolution of the conflict, but only contributes to the growth of friction, disagreement between its participants.

The third style is not as popular as the first two, as it requires participants to use force to defeat each other. In this case, the more “strong partner” is always happy with the conflict, because in the proceedings he manages to realize his competitive impulses, although the conflict itself remains unresolved. In the same way, some declare their willingness to compromise, although in fact conflicts for such people are beneficial for one reason or another, and they simply manipulate their partner.

Is there an alternative?

The general principle for successfully resolving any conflicts is that the participants in the conflict perceive it as a situation that they can solve together. In this case, both parties benefit, because they are able to find a solution acceptable to both. This principle is easy in theory, but often difficult in practice, since it requires the application of forces.

Your personal reaction plays a paramount role in how events unfold. Someone can be so absorbed in their interests that, by using force, in a couple of moments they will destroy even the strongest relationships. But if, on the contrary, someone is used to always give in only because he avoids any conflict, then he informs the other that he can be ignored and not taken into account at all.

How to resolve the conflict effectively?

Once you find yourself in a conflict, it is important not to get excited and let your emotions cool down, this will allow you to deal with the differences at a rational level, and then use one of the tricks:

Psychological depreciation

A term from the School of Psychological Aikido course.
If the partner is angry and aggressive, then the best way to get out of direct fire is to simply agree with the partner’s arguments. As soon as you find some truth in the arguments of the enemy, immediately agree with them.

For example: "Yes, I agree with you, I would also like to be more responsible and call you last night, as I promised."

The partner’s accusations may be completely groundless, but you better agree that each of us has our own perceptions of the same thing. This does not mean that by agreeing, you give up your own principles, you simply accept the position of the other and his right to his opinion. Sometimes a major victory requires small defeats.

Complicity

Try to put yourself in the place of another, look at the world through his eyes, let the other feel that he is heard. You can verbally inform your partner that you understand what he is trying to tell you, do this by reformulating his own words. For example: "I understand that now you are talking about the loss of confidence in me."

Or you can make your partner understand that you understand his feelings. It’s important to never ascribe your emotions to another person (“now you are upset and angry”), but to express your assumptions about how the other can feel. For example: “It seems to me that you are now angry and annoyed by what happened. Is it so?".

Attention

At the same time, speak about yourself and your feelings from the perspective of "I" and not "You": "I feel disappointed because of what happened between us" more effectively than: "You disappointed me."

Stroking

Show your respect for your partner, even if he is angry with you. For example: “I respect your courage to start a discussion of this issue with me” or “I admire your courage.”

Conflict Resolution Model

1. Identify the problem and discuss it with your partner. Find common ground and causes of disagreement, clarify your position.

2. The phase of the brainstorming. Find some solutions. Build on what you both agree on and what you both want to come to. Include as many choices as you might think of, whether they are realistic or not.

3. Now analyze the solutions. To do this, carefully study the compiled list and for each of the solutions find your pros and cons. Do this until one or two of the best solutions to your problem remain out of the variety.

4. Choose the solution that seems the most acceptable, even if it is not perfect.

5. Implement the decision. Discuss with your partner the details of the implementation of the accepted agreement. Make sure and agree on actions in case of force majeure.

6. Conflict is a process, therefore, it does not interfere from time to time to find out from your partner how he is doing with accepted agreements. Maybe it's time to conclude a new agreement or add something to an existing one.

Quote / aphorism

E. Cliver: “Either you are part of the solution, or you are part of the problem.”

In each quarrel in which a conflict persists, a third (although unknown) participant must be present.

In order for a quarrel to occur, an unknown third party must be active in order to foment it between two potential opponents.

Despite the widespread belief that two people are enough for a fight, in fact there must be a third party who prepares the conditions for a real conflict to arise.

The third party is usually a “perfectly reasonable person” and is difficult to suspect in something, he stands aside and denies any own attitude to the conflict. But it was he who, first of all, did everything for the emergence of the conflict and its maintenance. The hidden third party can sometimes seem to be a person who supports only one side of the conflict, but in fact, it is he who is the instigator of the quarrel.

If you trace the history of the conflict, you can get absolutely incredible information. Such information is too easy to reject. To hide something, you need to make it implausible. To find a third party, you need to ask those involved in the conflict questions of this type:

one . Have you been told that someone is treating you badly / that someone is a bad person / that someone is doing wrong / that some group is bad? 2. What was said? 3. Who said that?

Enter a questioner such as: “In this family ___?”, “In your married life ___?”, “At your work ____?”, Etc.

Having collected all the names indicated and counting how many times each occurs, you will find that one name is mentioned more often than others. Following this procedure, you will find exactly the one who incited conflicts, and thus create the possibility of resolving them.

Based on the work of L. Ron Hubbard

In any human relationship, there are disagreements from time to time. And at work, and in the family, and in the relationship between lovers, conflict situations occur. Many people experience them rather painfully. And completely in vain. You need to learn how to relate to such situations and know how to correctly resolve the conflict.

Psychologists advise to be positive - as an opportunity to clarify and even modify relationships.

Learning to resolve conflicts

If a conflict arises, you must definitely let your partner let off steam: try to listen to all his complaints calmly and patiently, without interrupting or commenting. In this case, the internal stress will decrease both for you and your opponent.

After the emotions are thrown out, you can offer to substantiate the claim. In this case, it is necessary to monitor the situation so that the opposite side of the conflict does not again switch from a constructive discussion of problems to an emotional one. If this happens, you need to tactfully dispute the debater to intellectual conclusions.

You can stifle the negative emotions of a partner by giving him a sincere compliment or reminding him of something good and pleasant from the common past.

Respect for your opponent is a prerequisite for how to resolve the conflict correctly. It will impress even an extremely angry person. If, in such a situation, the partner is insulted, transferred to the individual, the conflict cannot be resolved.

What to do if the opponent was unable to restrain himself and switched to screaming? Do not break into reciprocal abuse!

If you feel guilty of the conflict yourself, do not be afraid to apologize. Remember that only smart people are capable of this.

Some techniques of behavior in a conflict situation

There are several proven tricks on how to resolve a conflict.

  Reception number 1.  Try to imagine yourself a commentator watching a quarrel. Look at the conflict from the outside, and above all, at yourself.

Mentally shut yourself off with an impenetrable cap or bulletproof vest - you will immediately feel that your opponent’s taunts and unpleasant words are broken against the obstacle you have placed, and they will not hurt so sharply.

Having seen from the position of a commentator what qualities you lack in the conflict, endow them with your imagination and continue the argument as if you have them.

If you do this regularly, missing qualities will indeed appear.

  Reception number 2.  How to resolve the conflict between the disputes? This very simple technique often helps not only to relieve tension, but also to completely avoid confrontation. You just need to move away or move away from the enemy. The closer the conflicting parties physically, the stronger the passions.

Reception number 3.  Surprise your opponent at the time of conflict with a non-standard phrase or joke. This is just a great way to resolve the conflict. It's hard to swear with a person who is joking!

Reception number 4.  If it is absolutely clear that the interlocutor deliberately provokes a conflict, insults and simply does not give a chance to answer, in such a situation it is better to leave, saying that you do not want to continue the conversation in that tone. Better to postpone it "for tomorrow."

By taking a timeout, you will calm down, get a break to find the right words. And the person who provoked the quarrel will lose his confidence during this time.

What should not be allowed in a conflict

Good self-mastery is the key to successful

It is necessary to learn to restrain emotions. In case of conflict with partners or clients, it is strictly forbidden:

• irritable tone and swearing;
• a clear demonstration of their own superiority;
• criticism of the opponent;
• searching for negative intentions in his actions;
• withdrawal of responsibility, blaming the partner for everything;
• ignoring the interests of the opponent;
• exaggeration of their role in the common cause;
• pressure on the "painful spots."

The best way to get out of conflict is not to bring it to light.

Psychologists advise treating conflict as a positive factor. If, at the very beginning of building relationships, noticing conflict points, not hushing them up, serious quarrels can be stopped at the root.

We need to try to “put out the fire” before it broke out. Therefore, the best way to resolve the conflict is not to bring it to it. Indeed, in life there are already many difficulties, and nerve cells are still useful.

Often the cause of the confrontation is the accumulation of unspoken negativity. Something annoys the person in the behavior of a colleague or just gets some kind of habit of a loved one out of himself, but he does not know how to say this so as not to spoil the relationship. Therefore suffers and is silent. The effect is the exact opposite. The accumulated irritation sooner or later spills out in an uncontrolled form, which can lead to serious conflict. Therefore, it is very important not to bring to the “boiling point”, but calmly and tactfully express your claims as soon as they arise.

When to Avoid Conflict

But there are times when it’s not worth it, because it will help to solve the problem. You can consciously go to conflict if:

• you need to defuse the situation by finding out what has been sore with a loved one;
• there is a need to break the relationship;
• losing to your opponent means betraying your ideals.

But you need to remember that intentionally going to the conflict, you need to sort things out intelligently.

Memo "How to correctly resolve the conflict"

To get out of the conflict situation as quickly as possible and with the least losses, we offer this sequence of actions.

1. First of all, the existence of conflict must be recognized. We must not allow situations where people feel a confrontation and act according to their chosen tactics, but do not talk about it openly. To resolve such a conflict without joint discussion of the parties will fail.

2. Having recognized the conflict, it is necessary to agree on negotiations. They can be both face to face, and with the participation of an intermediary who arranges both sides.

3. Determine what exactly constitutes the subject of the confrontation. As practice shows, the parties to the conflict often see the essence of the problem in different ways. Therefore, we need to find common ground in understanding the dispute. Already at this stage, it is important to determine whether the rapprochement of positions is possible.

4. Develop several solutions, taking into account all the possible consequences.

5. After considering all the options, stop on the one that suits both parties. Record the decision in writing.

6. Implement the solution. If this is not done immediately, the conflict will only deepen, and repeated negotiations will be much more difficult.

We hope that our advice will help you if not avoid conflicts, then get out of them with dignity.