How to deal with the loss of mom. Longing for Mom's Death

Life always ends in death, with the mind we understand it, but when dear people leave this world, emotions take over. Death takes some into oblivion, but at the same time breaks others. What to say to a mother who is trying to survive the death of her only son? How and how to help? There are still no answers to these questions.

Time does not heal

Psychologists, of course, help orphaned parents. They give advice on how to survive the death of a son, but before you listen to them, you need to understand several important things. This is especially true for those who want to help their friends or relatives survive the grief.

No one can come to terms with the death of their child. A year, two, twenty will pass, but this pain and longing will still not go anywhere. They say time heals. This is not true. Just a person gets used to living with his grief. He can also smile, do what he loves, but it will be a completely different person. After the death of the child, a black dull void settles inside the parents forever, in which sharp hopes huddle unfulfilled hopes, unspoken words, guilt, resentment and anger to the whole world.

With each new breath, these fragments seem to increase, turning the insides into a bloody mess. Of course, this is a metaphor, but those who are wondering how to survive the death of their son experience something like this. Time will pass, and the bloody mess will already become a familiar phenomenon, but once some external stimulus is reminded of what happened, the sharp spikes immediately break out of the embrace of the void and cry frenziedly into the already slightly healed flesh.

Stages of grief

For parents the loss of a son is a terrible tragedy, because it is impossible to find a reason that justifies this departure. But the worst part is that there is no cure for this flour. Along with the death of the child, the mother buries her heart, it is impossible to survive son's death how impossible it is to move a mountain from a place. But suffering can be alleviated. You need to live your grief from beginning to end. It will be incredibly difficult, to the impossible difficult, but nature itself has laid the natural mechanism for relieving stress from difficult circumstances. If you go through all the steps, it will become a little easier. So, through what stages does the one who goes through survived the death of his son:

Sobs and tantrums.
Depression.
Mourning.
Parting.

More about the stages

As for the stages of going through the grief, at first the parents feel a shock, this condition lasts from 1 to 3 days. During this period, people tend to deny what happened. They think that a mistake has occurred or that it is some kind of bad dream. Some parents get stuck at this stage for years to come. As a result, they begin to experience serious mental abnormalities. For example, a mother who has died a one-year-old baby can walk in the park for many years, rocking a doll in a stroller.

Soon after shock and denial, a stage of sobs and tantrums sets in. Parents can scream hoarsely, and then fall into a state of complete emotional and physical exhaustion. This condition lasts about a week, and then becomes depressed. Tantrums happen less and less, but at the same time anger, longing and a feeling of emptiness begin to grow in the soul.

After depression and parents begin mourning. They often remember their child, scroll through the brightest moments of his life. Heartache for a while recedes, but then rolls again, I want to speak out or talk with someone about my son. This stage can last a very long time, but then the parents still say goodbye to their child and let him go. Severe, emotional torment turns into a quiet and bright sadness. After such a tragedy, life will never be the same, but you need to live on. It’s only a pity that the optimistic speeches of acquaintances will not answer the question of how to help mothers survive the death of a son . Only after experiencing grief from beginning to end, you can feel some relief.

Creativity, sports, talking

It is impossible to cure the pain of losing a child, but you can curb it, dull it and learn to be distracted. How to survive the death of a son? You can start with a simple one, for example, with creativity. In honor of the deceased son, it would be nice to draw a picture, write a poem or start embroidering. Exercise is excellently distracting from thoughts. The greater the load, the more they dull emotions.

You should not keep everything in yourself, you definitely need to talk with someone, it is best if it is a person who is in a similar situation, or could cope with his grief. Of course, it may be that there’s no one to talk to, then you need to write about everything that bothers. Expressing your feelings when writing is much easier than in a conversation, besides, expressed, albeit in this way emotions will exert less pressure.

Medical practice

In such matters, it is better to use the advice of a psychologist. How to survive the death of their son, they certainly will not teach, but will help a little. First of all, it is worth contacting a good specialist. This is especially true for those who are not able to independently cope with their experiences. There is nothing wrong with going to a psychologist; this doctor can suggest medications that will relieve emotional stress a little, improve sleep and overall well-being of the body. Also, the psychologist will write down some useful recommendations, selected individually for each patient.

You should not resort to the help of alcohol or narcotic substances, nor do you need to prescribe yourself serious drugs on your own. These methods will not help survive the death of a son, but only exacerbate the situation more.

Be sure to adhere to the daily routine. Let through power, but you need to eat. You need to force yourself to go to bed at the same time. Proper regimen helps reduce the amount of stress hormones in the body.

Unspent love

There is another way to survive grief. The death of a son, like a real curse, will hang like a black cloud over the heads of parents wherever they are. At one point in their world it became empty, there was no one else to love, no one to give their care to, no one to lay their hopes on. People become locked in themselves, stop communicating with others. They seem to boil in their own juice.

But man is not created to live alone. Everything that is in the life of each of us, we get from other people, so do not refuse to help, do not ignore the calls of friends and relatives and at least once every few days you need to leave the house. It seems to man that his suffering is unbearable, time and earth have stopped, and nothing else exists. But look around, have other people stopped suffering or dying?

Law of Psychology

The hardest thing is to survive the death of adult children. At that moment when it seems that life has not been lived in vain, suddenly the ground leaves under the feet when they report the death of an adult son. The past years begin to seem pointless, because everything was done for the sake of the child. So how to survive the death of an only adult son? In psychology, there is a simple and understandable law: to reduce your own pain, you need to help another person.

If parents have lost their own child, this does not mean that no one else needs their cares and love. There are many people, both children and adults, who need the help of others. People care about their children not because they expect gratitude from them, but do it for the sake of their future and the future of future generations. The care that dead children can no longer receive must be directed to others, otherwise it will turn into stone and kill its owner.

And at that time, while a person will feel sorry for himself and suffer, somewhere, without waiting for help, another child will die. This is the most effective way to help survive the death of an adult son. As soon as orphaned parents begin to help those in need, they will feel much better. Yes, at first it will not be easy, but time will smooth all corners.

Very often, the death of a child causes a feeling of guilt in parents. To prevent tragedy, to change history - they think that they could do something. But be that as it may, a person is not given to predict the future and change the past.

Parents also believe that they no longer have the right to experience happiness after the death of the child. Any positive emotions are perceived as betrayal. People stop smiling, day after day they do memorized manipulations to automatism, and in the evenings they simply look into the void. But it is wrong to doom yourself to eternal suffering. For a child, parents are a whole world. What would your child say if he saw his world crumble in his absence?

Respect for the dead

You can express your respect to the deceased in other ways, without condemning yourself to eternal torment. For example, you can visit the grave more often, pray for repose, make an album of happy photographs, or put together all of his homemade postcards. In periods of longing, you need to remember only happy moments and give thanks for what they were.

On the second Sunday of December at seven in the evening you need to put a candle on the windowsill. On this day, parents who have lost children are united in their grief. Each light makes it clear that the children lit their lives and will forever remain in memory. And also this is the hope that grief does not last forever.

For help, you can turn to religion. As practice shows, faith helps many to cope with grief. Orthodoxy says that a parent will be able to see his child after death. This promise greatly encourages old parents. Buddhism says that souls are reborn and most likely in the next earthly life, mother and son will meet again. The hope of a new meeting does not allow the mother to break down or prematurely die.

True, there are those who turn away from faith. They don’t understand why God took precisely their child when murderers and maniacs continue to walk around the world. Heartbroken parents often tell a father a parable.

Parable

Once a daughter died at an old man. She was very beautiful and young, the inconsolable parent simply could not find a place for herself. After the funeral, he came to Mount Ararat every day and asked God why he had taken his daughter, who could live for many more years.

For many months the old man left without an answer, and then one day God appeared before him and asked the old man to make him a staff, then he will answer his question. The old man went to the nearest grove, found a fallen branch and made a staff out of it, but as soon as he leaned on it, it broke. He had to look for stronger material. He saw a young tree, cut it and made a staff, which turned out to be surprisingly strong.

The old man brought his work to God, he praised the staff and asked why he cut a young tree, which still has to grow and grow. The old man told everything, and then God said: “You yourself answered your questions. To lean on the staff and not fall, it is always made of young trees and branches. So in my kingdom I need young, young and beautiful who can be a support. ”

Children are the rays that illuminate our lives. With their arrival, we rethink a lot and learn a lot. It's just that not everyone is destined to live happily ever after, you need to understand this and continue to live, keeping in your heart the joy of the fact that this child was once there.

Especially when it comes to the most dear person. It’s impossible to accept such a loss. Mom is support, understanding, care, forgiveness, love. There are no more such people in the world, and never will be. But we must continue to live.

The first thing you need to realize is that each of us at some point buries our parents. This is the natural course of things. And although not a single tip will reduce the pain of loss, it is important to read the opinion of psychologists on this subject. You need to know how to build your life further, what to lean on, where to find an outlet, how to let go.

How to deal with loss?

Regardless of age, the death of a mother always makes you feel like a little child who was abandoned, left forever. He is terrified of what happened, does not understand what to do next. It is not easy to get rid of this sensation.

Learn the secret of an intimate relationship that will bring real passion to your relationship! The famous TV presenter and just a bright woman tells.

Every effort must be made to come to terms with reality - mom is no more. Now mom (or dad) is you. Future or present, it doesn’t matter. You have already matured, and what happened was inevitable. Sooner or later, your mother would die. Of course, you would like her to stay longer with you, to be more happy, not to suffer, etc. Most likely, you did not manage to say goodbye properly, did not say or did not do the main thing. You feel guilty. Maybe this is what eats you the most?

In fact, suffering from the loss of a mother, a person is seized with self-pity. He thinks: “I feel so bad that I will no longer see her, I will not hug her, I will not talk”, “no one else will love me like my mother”, “they deprived me of the most important support, support, understanding”. Yes this is true. But constantly being in these thoughts is wrong.

It is necessary to direct all the pain into a creative channel. You can become truly close with children. Give love to the remaining living relatives. Start writing beautiful poems (or engage in other creativity). Of course, this will not return mom. But it will help to establish peace in the soul.

The opinion of psychologists

Psychologists say that after the death of parents, a person suffers greatly for about a year. Then the emotions subside, and interest in life gradually returns.

In order for the pain to really subside, it is important to go through all the stages of “grief”:

Shock condition (1-3 days). The message of the death of the mother is first stupid. Man denies reality. It seems that this is a mistake, a bad dream, etc. He has to confirm the fact of death again and again. Some do not go out of this state for many years, or even a lifetime. For example, a daughter leaves all things to her mother, hoping that someday they will be useful to her again.
Sobbing (1-9 day of death). During this period, the person is overcome with the most powerful emotions, he feels pain, despair, cries a lot and very much. From time to time, sobbing comes with complete physical and emotional exhaustion. Especially often this is observed immediately after the funeral.
Depression (40 days each). Relatives and relatives return to their previous lives. Support is getting smaller. There is an acute sensation of emptiness, a great anguish, anger.
Mourning (up to a year). Emotions subside. Acute pain appears only occasionally. A person is aware of his loss, spends a lot of time behind his memories, carefully sorting through them, trying to talk with someone. When longing rolls, cries.
Anniversary. An important moment when all relatives gather again. This day is usually celebrated by remembrance, commemoration, prayer, a trip to the cemetery. Such a ritual should help finally say goodbye and release the mother. Not necessarily the same day. Mourning can last up to 1.5 years. Further, unless a jam occurs, the daughter or son will return to everyday life. At times, they feel all the same emotions, but the general condition remains satisfactory.

Important. Nature has laid the natural mechanism for living grief. Interfering with or neglecting it is fraught with consequences. A person can get stuck at a certain stage, which means plunging into prolonged depression. No wonder our ancestors invited professional mourners to the funeral. They helped to tune in the right way. Therefore, the first time you need to step aside from all important matters, take a vacation, send to stay with the children to cry enough. In this case, it is categorically not recommended to suppress the experience with alcohol, sleeping pills or sedatives.

To survive the death of a mother is very difficult. It is doubly harder to do it alone. That is why we have gathered the advice of those who have overcome such grief. Perhaps they will be useful for you:

Speak your grief, do not lock yourself. From the side it may seem that people are shunning you, but this is not so. They simply do not know what to answer, how to support, so as not to aggravate the pain of loss. Therefore, just start the conversation with the phrase: “I need to speak out now, please stay close and listen to me.” Try to find someone who has already survived the death of a loved one, or talk on this topic with a priest, a professional psychologist.
Get creative. The pain that has accumulated inside you must find a way out. It is impossible to express or cry all. But you can express it in your work. Try painting or embroidering with beads. You can also start writing a book or poetry. Choose any creativity that is close to you in spirit.
Start helping others. Caring for others makes you feel you need. It returns from heavy thoughts to reality, fills life with new meaning. You can take care of lonely old people, animals, children left without parents.
Occupational therapy. Physical labor, especially in nature, helps to distract from gloomy thoughts. You can build a beautiful garden, start building a house, etc.
Think about mom only in a positive way. Try to remember only the good things, how my mother rejoiced, was happy, what she was proud of, where she visited and what she saw. You can even fulfill her cherished desire. For example, to visit an exotic country, to attend a concert of a beloved star, to visit friends of youth.

Author's advice. Often severe pain of loss is associated with understatement. You did not have time to tell your mother how much you love her, ask for forgiveness, thank you. To get rid of these thoughts, start writing letters. After writing, immediately burn them. You will definitely feel better!

It takes time to survive mother’s death and let it go. Of course, you will never be able to completely forget about your loss. But the day will surely come when you think not “what a pity that mom left”, but “what a blessing that she was!”

Arina, Petrozavodsk

Psychologist Comment:

(A psychologist’s comment on this article is not yet available.)

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It's already half a year after mother’s death, and when will sadness and longing leave?

Sadness and longing will go away when you analyze them. Do you complain about melancholy, spleen and melancholy inside you about the death of your mother or the fact that your mother is no longer around? These are different things. Perhaps you wisely accept that your mother is no longer there, but you are tormented by the longing that lives its own life as an emotional and mental reaction to what has happened. It's like being hungry to smell food and complain about salivation. How to get rid of salivation in this situation? - Being obsessed with something more important or more fun than eating, even in a state of hunger. Starvation separately, salivation separately. Suppose you are in love and in five minutes you will meet your man - this is a positive stress, or you are about to win a large amount of money, or in five minutes you will find out that you have accepted your favorite job. Even if you are hungry and smell food, the body will ignore it, you give it a command - then we will eat! or what a famine in figs! And the body obeys, no drooling. Maybe not the most striking example. But with emotions about the loss of loved ones is the same. Longing is a spontaneous reaction, but do not let her own you for a long time. We must accept the death of a loved one, in no case reproach ourselves with anything, even find positive moments in death - for example, if a mother was sick, she simply got rid of suffering, or the death of loved ones is natural, she frees us space for something something new. You just need to want to live, to be in an interest in life. Just get mad at yourself for this melancholy and melancholy, not feed it with memories, try not to think. Tell yourself: death is natural, it is not worth any damage among the living, it is not worth the eternal cry and longing. It seems death and burial in the Philippines is a celebration with flowers and dancing. Our Russian attitude to death is stereotypical, strained by tradition, one might say not naturally! We should all cry for any reason, death is the most suitable.

All this can be useful for adults, but if you are still a child or in puberty (now it’s before

25 years), then it’s more difficult for you to cope with emotions. In childhood, children are afraid of the disappearance of their mother for any reason, they feel abandoned, this is the most natural fear. Maybe something also responds to your mother’s absence, an empty emptiness. Or are you emotional in yourself, prone to impressions and trusting. Then just wait for your psyche to cope with this event. The psyche is like a muscle, if it has brought it together, then you will not immediately relax it of your own free will, it itself must. Many in the Answers are right - time heals, if you are a positive person, then it will definitely pass, give yourself time to spend time.

Feeling guilty about a deceased loved one: how to figure it out?

When a loved one dies, often a feeling of guilt arises: I didn’t finish it, I didn’t say it, I didn’t, but now you can’t fix anything. Is this guilt always fair, or is there something else behind it?

The death of a loved one is associated not only with a feeling of grief, but also with the experience of guilt.

When the native person leaves, it seems that you are to blame: tired of the difficult care and the painful last days, didn’t finish something, didn’t take him to another hospital, didn’t buy another medicine, stayed alive when he died.

Why does it arise and how justified is it? Responds psychologist, director of the Christian service of psychological assistance "Candle", doctor of biological sciences Alexander Imasheva.

How and why there is a feeling of guilt

Feeling guilty about losing your neighbor always arises. This is a normal reaction to the death of a loved one. Almost everyone who experiences loss experiences guilt before the deceased.

This feeling can take different forms: guilt for the experienced relief that the terrible, difficult period of the illness of a loved one has ended (it turns out that a person thinks that his death has become a payment for my release, and I rejoice in it). Most often, there is blame for something that, as it seems, was not done or was not done to the end (the wrong doctor was called, not treated that way).

He can torture guilt for the injustice that was allowed (or supposedly allowed) in relation to the deceased during his lifetime: they rarely came to him, called little, cared poorly, and now you can’t fix anything.

There is even a feeling of guilt that the neighbor died, and you live, "but he was better than me."

Sometimes guilt comes second, for example, at first there is anger at the deceased - why did you leave me ?! - or to God (fate) - why did God take him away ?! - and then guilt comes immediately: how can I think so, what a bastard I am. Feeling of guilt will find something to cling to.

Very rarely, guilty feelings really have some reason. For example, if our neighbor was very ill and did not want to be treated, and we went on about it, because we did not want to mess with him. And so he died, and we feel guilty.

Or if his illness imposed some restrictions on him (for example, in food), and we ignored them and fed him everything in a row, which led to an exacerbation of the disease and death.

Or if he suffered greatly from your quarrel and wanted to make peace, and you refused him this, and this greatly overshadowed his last days and hours.

In such rare cases of justified guilt, confession and repentance for the believer or psychologist for the atheist will help.

But usually the fault, almost inevitably coming after the death of a loved one, is absolutely irrational.

Psychologists, who know perfectly well the mechanism of the emergence of this feeling and its groundlessness, also experience it. “I understand everything,” says the psychologist, “I know why this happens, I can put it on the shelves, but I still feel guilty after my mother’s death: I put it in the wrong hospital, brought the wrong medicine.” But mother was 89 years old, and she survived three heart attacks. Irrational guilt is attached to any possible reason listed above and begins to gnaw at a person.

Why does it arise?

Death is a huge, independent and completely unknown event. It is as if we are looking into an impenetrable abyss.

When we experience the death of our neighbor, then, firstly, we feel that we can’t do anything, can’t prevent it, and secondly, we inevitably understand: the same thing awaits us.

Our psyche finds itself in a very difficult situation of complete loss of control over what is happening, absolute helplessness and the experience of complete unknown. Existential fear arises, returning us to some primary meanings: who I am and why I live, if my life also inevitably ends.

This leads us to a huge, all-consuming horror, which is simply unbearable: give him free rein, he will drive him crazy. How is it - I will not be!

The horror of encountering death “face to face” is so strong that it is easier for us to experience unpleasant feelings of guilt or anger, if only to cover up this fear with them.

The mechanisms of protection of the psyche operate outside of our desire and awareness: first, shock and denial “turn on”, which make us “not see” death, then anger and guilt flash.

Feeling of guilt and anger over the death of a loved one is the answer of the psyche to one’s own helplessness, the inability to “control” death

Guilt in this case is a compensatory feeling, which is designed to at least in an illusory form restore us the ability to control what is happening. It’s easier for us to feel guilty that we didn’t get the necessary medicines (an action that we can take control!) And thus did not prevent death (the illusion of control over death!), Than frankly admit that we couldn’t do anything help ensure that the person does not die.

In other cases, guilt is a form of experiencing the irreversibility of what happened and understanding that nothing can be changed. This is again a loss of control over what is unbearable for us. For example, if during the life of a mother-in-law, we quarreled with her, but knew that, in principle, we could reconcile, then after her death this opportunity was gone forever. Gone out of our control. And this loss of power over reality is experienced by us as a sense of guilt for unrealized opportunities.

Precisely for the same reason, when a neighbor dies, a feeling of anger also arises. This is the answer of the psyche to its own complete helplessness, its fierce protest.

But anger can “cling” to anything that seems to our psyche adequate: anger at the deceased (how could he leave me !?), anger at God (how could he take it !?), anger at the doctors (why didn’t they save ?!). But ultimately, all this is only a reaction of our psyche to our absolute helplessness in the face of death.

Of course, it is much easier for believers to survive the death of their neighbor, and thoughts about their own mortality. In the believer’s mind, death is not the end and disappearance, but the transition to a different form of existence, therefore there remains the hope of meeting with the departed, reconciliation with them, and, very importantly, the belief that even death will not make you completely disappear.

How to recover from the death of a neighbor

In modern culture, there is a tendency to get rid of negative feelings as quickly as possible.

Long suffering, long grief is not welcomed by society, they look at such a person askance and do their best to "pull" him out of this state.

Clumsy consolations like “don't cry”, “do something else”, “get distracted by something”, “pull yourself together”, “you need to calm down” and other pseudo-positive recipes that don't work are used.

They do not help, but annoy or make you feel even more guilty - because you are straining others with your suffering. A man tries to “jump” his grief as quickly as possible, does not survive it fully and only drives him deeper.

But our grief at the loss of a loved one is a payment for our love for him. And the stronger love was, the deeper the grief will be, so you should not be ashamed of it, consider yourself weak, follow the path of those who believe that it is time to stop suffering. Grief takes time: to survive grief from the death of a loved one, you need at least a year.

Psychologists talk about the "work of grief" - the loss must be accepted, lived and experienced. After that, in a normal situation, grief turns into a bright sadness and bright memories. If a year passes, one and a half, but does not become easier, then this is an unhealthy experience of grief and the help of a specialist - a psychologist or psychotherapist is required.

How quickly the grief passes will also depend on our relationship with the deceased.

If the relationship was good, healthy, then grief will be easier, if they were complicated by something, then grief will be more difficult.

All the time we will see that nothing can be corrected anymore, and this irreversibility will additionally put pressure on us.

But you need to live up to this. In the beginning, after the initial shock of the loss, there will be many negative feelings - anger, wine, longing, and loneliness. Guilt, which takes various forms, can arise right in the first days after the death of a loved one and remain until the very end of grief. Feeling guilty about the deceased is a natural part of experiencing grief, and experiencing grief is the only way to return to normal life.

Survive the grief

However bad it may be, it is important to remind yourself that grief will pass. But this does not mean at all that we will not forget the person, we will become indifferent to him, but the acute grief will be replaced by peaceful sadness.

You can write yourself three statements on a piece of paper or a card and carry them with you, take them out and re-read them, or magnetize them on the refrigerator so that they are always in front of your eyes:

If guilt is associated with experienced relief after the death of a seriously ill, tormented person, you should tell yourself that it was objectively a heavy load, and relief after the load is removed is a normal, natural feeling. There is no dislike for the departed, there is no selfishness, but there is an ordinary, unconscious control of the psyche to release. Such relief does not cancel the grief of death and does not detract from our love for the departed. And you do not need to punish yourself for this.

It is important to observe the rituals associated with death. No wonder they are consecrated for centuries. The first thing that can alleviate the grave condition of loved ones is care for the funeral, funeral, cemetery, coffin, wreaths, flowers. Arrange a wake, gather for nine and for forty days - all this really helps to survive the grief. After all, doing all this, we show our concern for the dead.

At the commemoration, we share with others our grief and love for the departed, we speak and listen to how others speak warm, good words about him - and it becomes easier for us.

Wake - this is generally a very compressed time process of living grief. It often happens that they begin with tears, even sobs, and end in a much more positive mood. As if for a few hours, a whole year is lived.

Do not drive away the memory of the deceased. Do not try to “hammer” them with other thoughts or be distracted if they come. You do not need to specifically recall these memories, especially if they are painful for you, but if they “roll”, then immerse yourself in them and live them.

Cry. Tears are not too accepted in our culture, even if it is crying for the dead. One of the most banal "consolations" is the persuasion "do not cry, calm down, drink valerian." In fact, tears are both a natural painkiller (when weeping, substances calming the nervous system are produced in the human body), and a way to express and thereby “release” mental pain and longing.

When a grieving person cries, this is not a sign of weakness, but a sign that the experience of grief is moving in the right direction.

Talk about the deceased person and your experiences. If memories come of a deceased loved one, of his last days and other painful things, you need to find a person with whom you can talk about it.

Patiently listen to everything he tells you. In a state of grief, especially in the first days after loss, the grieving person can be verbose and repeat the same thing, do not rush it. Or he may shut up - then just stay with him. Offer the grieving person practical help in organizing a funeral or commemoration. If he feels guilty for something he did not have time to do or say, or for experienced relief after the death of a seriously ill patient, explain to him that this is understandable, natural and explainable.

Try not to lock yourself in, no matter how much you want. Grief is a process that is better experienced with people. Even if you don’t want to talk, it’s better to be with them. It helps to communicate with those who recently experienced a similar loss.

After some time (during the first year), it is necessary to disassemble and distribute the things of the deceased. It is not necessary to build a “temple” of a departed person at home, to leave his room in an untouched state, as if he were still alive. This will only prolong the experience of grief. Of course, it is very difficult to get rid of the things of the dear deceased, the feeling that you yourself finally give him and the memory of him. Usually, tears flow - let them flow. But during the first year it needs to be done.

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after mom’s death.

Our mother always told us that after the death of the parents you can’t grieve too much, but you need to think about your health and about your children. But after my mother’s departure, I became depressed and as a result I got a stomach ulcer. I don’t think mom would have liked it, but without her, the world was empty. I wrote letters to her for a long time, this gave me the illusion of communication. Now 20 years have passed, but I still miss my mother. Hang on and think about your kids!

I'm not sure if this will ever pass. I VERY often cry, sometimes in a dream. I go to the cemetery every 5 years once a month and often more. Now I’m crying again, Author, it doesn’t work, maybe it can become a little dull. Or I just don’t know the recipe for how to make it go or at least let it go.

I haven’t been crying for a long time, only in the cemetery when no one sees. But recently, my child also more and more often recalls her grandmother, also yearns. Probably, she will have to turn to a psychologist, she herself does not have enough mental strength to talk to him about this topic.

I constantly repeat to myself that it is our duty to conduct parents, as nature intended, and live on, live in such a way that TAM would not be ashamed and painful for us.

You accept my condolences, the pain will dull a little, life will spin and you will begin to smile again and notice the world around you, just a piece of your soul will forever be with MOM

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Longing for Mom and Her Memory

Asks: Saladant: 32: 55)

Hello, soon 7 months after my mother died, after the long-standing death of my father, we lived together, me, brother and mother, in the same house. I tried to take care of my mother, looked after during an illness, from which she died. Honestly, sometimes I got tired of the fact that there was only home and work, I wanted to live separately sometimes, as happens with adults (I am 32). But life outside work was much filled with communication with mom. From the moment of her death I seem to have gone through all these stages of grief, and there was guilt, and fear, and terrible bitterness, and I cried plenty (now I even cry once a week, or even more, feel bitter at heart). I noticed that over time, guilt and a feeling of grief began to supplant the longing for my mother. She is simply unbearable, did not know that longing for someone you will never see again in this life causes such unbearable pain, it was different with dad, maybe because my daughters are closer to my mother, I don’t know. On the street, the weather is becoming more beautiful, and I want to share walks with my mother, buy something for her, spend time with her, devote time to her, she really wanted to relax in the sanatorium, but because of the illness, we put off. I want to return the past, and devote more time to it, because because of work it often did not work out. But this is impossible. I feel regret and longing for her. Recently, she even began to drink a glass of wine a day. I know that it won’t get any easier, only for a while, but for the past week I drank almost every day. And I’m afraid to forget her, I know that this will not happen, I loved my mother very much, but trying to remove her yearning, I’m afraid to forget her. I don’t know how to cope with the pain of the fact that I began to miss my mom very much. I know that alcohol is not an option, I know that you can spend time perfecting yourself, for example, on vacation, I want to do my physical form and learn languages. But just knowing doesn't mean anything. I tell myself, you will either rise or fall. I give myself this year as a respite, but then I’m afraid that there is too much time, and I need to quickly recover. The most difficult thing for me was not to cope with the pain of guilt, loss, grief, but with the pain of longing for my mother. This is terribly difficult. How to cope with longing for mom, but at the same time not to forget her? How to preserve the memory of her, but that it would not be so unbearably painful? What are people doing? I know that in Kazakhstan some write a book about the past. I won’t know how to do this, my mother was a simple person, not a director or a scientist, so that a book could be released.

I sympathize with you in your grief. You yourself well understand everything about the stages of grief, so I won’t write about them, but there is research that this process can last up to 2 years. Mom took a huge place in your soul and life, you were a good daughter, now she is gone and a void has formed. It is necessary to try to fill it with something, but you can object to me that you are not up to it, but I will agree with you.

I know that in Kazakhstan some write a book about the past. I won’t know how to do this, my mother was a simple person, not a director or a scientist, so that a book could be released.

But I do not agree with this. The story is made by ordinary people. If you do not want to release a book, you can simply write memories of it, leave them for your future children. Or you can make a short film about mom from her photos, put music on top. There are special programs for this, in MAC it is iMovie, there is also for Windows. Make for yourself.

Saladant, there is a good art-therapeutic technique “Farewell”, it is done with metaphorical cards, but you can try without them. You talk about mom:

How did you love her

Which did not like

What nobody knew her except you

What was she really like.

Well, if for each story you would pick a photo. Or I could work out this technique with you on Skype, only after May 2.

After you talked about mom, you need to write a letter to her in which you can ask any questions, write about the good that the mother gave and you take it further into life, about what you don’t take, about your feelings. This is exactly a letter for mom, as if she could answer him. After that, with your left hand (if you are right-handed) write the answer of Mai to you. All that came to mind. Letters are better to burn after this. Try, it helps a lot.

Hold on, Saladant! This difficult, dreary time will end sooner or later, bright memories of mother will remain.

Surzhina Oksana Fedorovna, Psychologist, Voronezh

I read your letter as a request for help.

You understand that a glass of wine every day is not what you expected from life.

I suggest you turn to a psychologist for help to understand what stops you in order to start living happily. There are such methods, and you can use them.

I will be glad to help you.

Sincerely, Kalamkas Kanapieva, a psychologist in Astana. It is also Skype.

I give myself this year as a respite, but then I’m afraid that there is too much time, and I need to quickly recover.

The error of people is that you need to quickly become fun, carefree, etc. But a person can be carefree and cheerful only on condition that he really has no worries. And the less a person allows you to experience and leaves complex feelings, the more difficult it is for him to be carefree, because nothing goes away on its own. All experiences remain in the heart, and after some time go out through the disease. Such a complex system is our body. Therefore, Saltanat, I recommend being in my experiences. Share your experiences with loved ones. If there are no relatives, come to a consultation with a psychologist. If on your own, then cry, be sad, write letters to your mother, ask for forgiveness, if necessary. Do not run away from your feelings, 7 months after the loss, this is too early to recover. Experiences are very important, the sooner acceptance will come, turning into quiet sadness. And there is a new life, with new resources. If you need help, please contact. Ready to work with you. All the best!

Zhubanysheva Asel Serikkalievna, psychologist Astana

My condolences.

What you are experiencing now should not scare you much, since 7 months have passed, it is not so much time to survive the loss of a loved one. No need to suppress your feelings; they need to be felt and experienced; another thing is this should not interfere with your life. Saltanat, I can offer you one ritual that helped many of my clients who came to me with a similar problem. Take a box or box, put there the things that remained from your mother, which are most dear to you. Allocate a place for this box in your apartment. In those moments when it becomes very difficult for you, you begin to think about mom, go to this box, open it, look again at my mother’s things, photos, if you want to cry, cry, gobble. That is, allow yourself to give vent to your feelings. As soon as it becomes easier, close the box and return to your daily life. The most important thing in this ritual is that you have a certain place and a certain time when you can look after your mother. But as soon as you close the box, you return to everyday affairs and live your full life. Wish you all the best.

Smadyarova Saule Tulepbergenovna, psychologist Astana

Accept condolences. Bright memory to your mother.

And I’m afraid to forget her, I know that this will not happen, I loved my mother very much, but trying to remove her yearning, I’m afraid to forget her.

Your psyche is very heavily overloaded with the pain of loss. That is why your fear has started. The topic of fear is connected with the person dearest to you. And this is understandable.

You have already learned a lot.

In the format of a personal consultation with you, it is necessary to conduct a psychotherapy of fear, recovery sessions, and only then work on personal orientations and self-motivation.

Good luck to you!

Snegireva Inna Vladimirovna, psychologist Astana

“You truly become yourself that day when you lose your parents”

Henri de Monterlan

How to survive the death of mom? Talking about the death of a loved one is always difficult. Especially when it comes to the most dear person. It’s impossible to accept such a loss. Mom is support, understanding, care, forgiveness, love. There are no more such people in the world, and never will be. But we must continue to live.

How to deal with loss?

The opinion of psychologists

Psychologists say that after the death of parents, a person suffers greatly for about a year. Then the emotions subside, and interest in life gradually returns.

In order for the pain to really subside, it is important to go through all the stages of “grief”:

Author's advice. Often severe pain of loss is associated with understatement. You did not have time to tell your mother how much you love her, ask for forgiveness, thank you. To get rid of these thoughts, start writing letters. After writing, immediately burn them. You will definitely feel better!

Arina, Petrozavodsk

It is so arranged by nature that one generation replaces another - everyone is destined to survive the death of their parents. Not everyone can cope with this stress on their own, so the advice of a psychologist on how to survive the death of a mother will be useful to everyone who is faced with the bitterness of loss.

About personal ...

I was so much busy building a career and finding my own personal happiness that I never thought that I could lose my mother. It seemed to me that my mother is eternal ... But life returned me to a harsh reality: my mother has not been with me for the fourth year. She died of cancer. And even all three years, while we were struggling with her illness, it did not fit my head how the person closest to me could take and disappear somewhere ...

Of course, it seemed to me that I was ready for this loss. I saw her terrible torment in the last days of my life, and even mentally tried to let her go, because I read somewhere that at such moments it is better not to hold close people with my emotional love and to give them the opportunity to go to another world with a calm soul. I understood that separation was inevitable, but when that day came, he was a shock to me.

The moment came when I felt that I did not know how to survive the death of my mother, I needed the advice of a psychologist like air. For many, this awareness of the need for outside help does not occur immediately, but after a certain time. This stage has come to me after six months of longing.

It would seem that it was time to put up with it, but for some reason it became only harder for me, and I began to collect information that would help me get out of depression:

2. Do not try to speed up the process of grief. Take your time to get your life back on track, give yourself enough time to accept the situation. Do not compare yourself and do not listen to the comparisons of others about how long it took someone to mourn. Each situation and each person is individual: some in a week can smile, while others remain in apathy for years.

3. Keep the memory of the deceased mother. Yes, she is not there, but she will remain in your heart. Record fond memories of her, keep her favorite little things, learn how to bake a pie according to her signature recipe. Gather stories related to her from her friends and acquaintances. This will help change the pain of loss to a feeling of light sadness and establish a connection with mom at a new level.

4. Take care of your physical well-being. Grief greatly exhausts and leaves an imprint on health. Allocate 7-8 hours to sleep, eat normally, at least occasionally engage in physically active activities.

5. Analyze what moments without mom hurt you the most. Perhaps you used to always go shopping together. Or on Sundays they visited the cinema. Or every evening they had a tea party with their favorite cookies. Make a similar list and try to avoid such situations alone - invite friends, call relatives. Fill the void with communication!

6. Change the usual schedule of affairs and hobbies. If you used to meet your mom on weekends, sign up for yoga classes at this time. Find a new hobby, meet interesting people, and visit unusual places in the city.

7. Remember that mom did not want to hurt you with her departure. Imagine what emotions she would experience, looking at the happiness of her child! Live a full life as if it is watching you from above!