How does passive aggression manifest itself? Passive aggression: what is it and how to resist it

72. Aggressive provocateurs Aggressive provocateurs usually include men in the age range of 30–50 years, who have a set of negative traits (primitive interests and needs, reassessment of one’s own mind, neglect of a criminal, rudeness, quarrelsomeness,

Hidden-aggressive actions and hidden-aggressive personality type Many of us from time to time take certain hidden-aggressive actions, but this does not make us hidden-aggressive personalities or manipulators. Personality can be defined as

How to recognize aggressive plans If you understand how fundamental a person’s desire is to fight for what is desired, and learn more about those insidious and inconspicuous methods of undercover fighting that they can use and use every day

Differences between a hidden aggressive person from a passive aggressive and other types Just as passivity and hidden aggression are very different styles of behavior, passive aggressive and hidden aggressive individuals are very different from each other. Millon

Typical traits of a passive-aggressive personality People who are characterized by a passive-aggressive behavior model experience the same negative feelings as everyone else, but do not try to understand them or openly express their dissatisfaction. Instead, they choose tactics

Passive-aggressive personality disorder according to the DSM-IV classification In order to make such a diagnosis to a person, it is necessary to identify at least four of the following in his behavior

Passive-aggressive personalities usually behave. They spread rumors, spread information that defames other people, but they do it stealthily. They break important orders because of supposedly forgetfulness, and then they apologize, but it’s clear that they don’t

As passive-aggressive personalities think in their actions, they proceed from the principle “I must resist all attempts to control my influence or influence it, even if people have a right to it. Those around me do not value me, so I will fulfill their requests and

Passive-aggressive personalities People with passive-aggressive personality disorder have the opposite style, which indicates their unwillingness to receive recognition and support from people with power. Their main problem is the conflict between

"Yes" and "no" do not say, do not take black and white ... "
   children's counting room.

   "Neither, nor well." This proverb embodies the process that psychologists call "passive aggression."

A collocation of two conflicting processes. Passivity for us represents an extreme form of inaction, and aggression is nothing but the embodiment of an active principle.

Thus, we are dealing with two opposing processes that manage to get along together.

A friend of mine told the story of how she was alone with a young man in a compartment of a night train and struggled with his harassment all night. Can you imagine? All night long, "no, no." This is how it was necessary to refuse, so that the other continued not to hear and not understand? After all, it was not a matter of an insane rapist, but an ordinary man who showed his desire and was persistent in this.

Another example found in my teaching work. A capable and intelligent listener cannot begin to practice in any way. She has everything for this. And this is not about self-doubt, this is just a superficial excuse.

In practical exercises, she demonstrates good skills and knowledge, asks the right questions and accurately notes the deep processes. She has already filed a patent and even rented an office for work. But he doesn’t begin to advise.

To determine passive aggression, I want to immediately indicate the fact that it can be both a habitual psychological defense in a person and a persistent personality characteristic, an important part of the personality that determines his character and life. Therefore, you can meet the features of the described process both in yourself and in many people at different times in life.

What are the main characteristics of a passive-aggressive person?

Entering a room (in a process, in a relationship, etc.), he first notes the flaws. He immediately sees that here is not going to be silent. He will say in a sharp, ironic, stabbing manner. Poddenet you. True, he will do this not directly, not personally, but in an indefinite form to a third party. For example, “Well, of course, it never occurred to anyone to ventilate the room before classes.”

   His ability to see inconsistencies could delight you if all of this were presented in an ethical manner. But the task of a passive-aggressive person is not to correct the shortcomings. She does not care about the result. She needs a process. And this process is a struggle. Not an open battle for victory. Namely, the struggle, better hidden, but stubborn and endless.

He will fight with everything and everyone. If not with anyone outside, then with yourself inside. Price is not important. As I said, the process is important, but not the result.

These are people of the process, fighters of invisible fronts with invisible enemies.

In contact with them, you may be surprised at how simple things turn into insurmountable. As an easy step becomes impossible, a simple action turns into an endless intricate process. You are surprised and indignant at why the task was not completed, although there were no obstacles.

Why, instead of a simple decision and action, a person continues to ask clarifying questions that lead away from meaning. Why, agreeing yesterday, nothing happened today.

   Next to him, you will inevitably begin to feel anger. You seem to be provoked and teased. And when you break down, they immediately indicate a bad character or lack of proper education.

Let's look at each component. Let's start with anger or aggression. She is, but she is looking for indirect exits. Sarcasm, irony, teasing, provocation. Everything to give vent to anger goes into action. The main thing is to do it indirectly.

So, we emphasize the first significant component. Anger is and there is a lot of it. This means that a person has energy. There is a lot of it and enough for everything he needs. Therefore, when our character asks for support and asks for advice, help, support, be careful! Whatever you give him, it will not work for the future.

My favorite psychological game (Eric Byrne, the theory of psychological games, Transactional analysis) is called "Yes, but ..." It looks like this: you were asked for advice, you gave, and then an objection follows. Yes, the beggar says, but I already tried it, did it, etc. AND NOTHING WELL GOOD.

If you continue to give other tips and tricks, then get ready for the same fate awaiting them. Until you come up with a brilliant thought - the interlocutor does not need a result. Then what does he need? Here the time has come to reveal the second component - passivity.

Passivity in the behavior of a passive-aggressive person is rather not inaction, but a reaction that is expressed in resistance to those actions that will bring results. Outwardly, it seems that a person simply does not do anything for the sake of purpose. But in fact, a struggle is going on inside him.

   He wants a result (well, who does not want?) And resists it. And all his energy, and we remember that there is a lot of it, goes to resist this action. Why, you ask, and you will be right? After all, this is at least strange.

To answer this question, we need to delve into the past of such a person at a time when this part of the personality is being formed. At the age of active action, we are from the moment we gain our strength. But we can understand our strength and master it only through contact with another.

Case study:

Maxim grew up as an obedient boy. His mother was an extremely anxious woman, full of fears associated with her son. These fears made her active in relations with him. She knew how a good mother should have a child, and therefore she listened to Maxim little. Well, can a little boy know what he needs? And mom always knows.

Therefore, her attitude to the child resembled more violence than caring. Starting from feeding, ending with the choice of friends. Swallowing the hated porridge, and then playing the hated scales in the hated music school, Maxim began to look for ways against which mother was powerless.

For example, he could grit his teeth or tear out. He could just sit silently over the violin, without touching the strings. At these moments, mom exploded and yelled, but Maxim clearly felt his victory. He felt his strength when the teacher was almost sobbing from powerlessness and anger, and he just stood and was silent at the blackboard.

And in his childhood mind, he deduced the formula: "Strength is not in action, but in resistance." Since he was not allowed to realize and feel his own strength in what he wanted to do, he was guaranteed to receive the only opportunity to enjoy his own strength when he opposed something. Sometimes then, in adulthood, he caught himself thinking that he was not opposed to what he was opposing, but he could not do anything.

In childhood, a passive-aggressive person has a dramatic experience of such "soft", and sometimes contented, hard violence in the form of care and control by parents. And they decided to take revenge. Revenge by not letting the parent see the result. Therefore, the best that can be done is not to achieve the goal and not get the result.

It makes it painful for the parent so that, in secret hope, he understands how bad the child is. To ask what you want, instead of forcibly stuffing with what seems right to the parent. Is not the highest aerobatics of revenge on parents - is not to become happy? Indeed, one of the important results of parenthood is a happy child. And to deprive the parent of this award becomes the very unconscious goal to which the passive-aggressive person aspires.

And the price is not important here. After all, we are talking about the inner Child, to whom he himself is not yet important. Parent above all, he is the source of life and love. Therefore, it’s not a pity to freeze your ears.

Thus, two birds with one stone become a trophy in this battle: the ability to feel their strength (through resistance) and revenge on the parent (through failure to obtain a result).

Let me remind you that this process is unconscious. And a person can sincerely be surprised at the lack of the result of his actions until he sees that he is his own main enemy. What subconsciously he builds the process of action so that the result is impossible. He chooses the wrong people, he does not feel the situation, does not notice important details, does not hear recommendations.

Such people are often late, miss crucial meetings and quarrel with the right people. And they always find excuses and explanations for their behavior. And they even sound convincing. Most often, he sees the reason not in himself, but in other people, in circumstances.

Their problem is to express their needs directly, using the power of anger. But they are afraid to show anger, since in childhood it was impossible and dangerous. Therefore, anger, and with it strength and energy, are blocked and turned 180 ", that is, against themselves.

Life becomes a complete overcoming of difficulties. Like in the famous video in which the client complains of a headache and problems, while she does not see a huge nail in her head.

Another important feature of a passive-aggressive personality is that it is stuck in an “or-or” trap. “Either you eat this porridge, or you are not my son,” my mother said. Parent left the child a choice. Either do as I say, or lose my love. This trap is firmly stuck in the way of thinking, which makes the selection process extremely difficult.

Such personalities make good critics and detectives, investigative journalists and satirists. Their keen eyes will not lose sight of anything.

They are often good and faithful friends, with a subtle sense of humor and a willingness to help. By the way, humor is also their distinguishing feature. They are extremely ironic. The thing is that anger and humor have one similar function: they relieve tension. And since the anger of a passive-aggressive person is blocked, a lot of energy can come out through humor. So they polish it.

In social networks, a passive-aggressive personality is easy to figure out. Their area is comments. The fact is that they rarely show initiative. They are already inclined to jump in and ride on a "strange horse", to become noticeable at the expense of another. Their comments are critical and sarcastic. He enrages the audience and, in the end, disappears, confirming that the world and people are imperfect.

As clients, a passive-aggressive personality is a test for the consultant. The game "Yes, but" will bring anyone to hysteria. Therefore, the main principle in the work is to give initiative in determining the goal to the client.

Until you get the answer to the question “What would you like?”, Offer nothing. The therapist in the transference will become the very parent who needs revenge. And it will be extremely difficult to wait for changes and progress in the life of the client.

The fact that a passive-aggressive person is often very capable and talented gives hope for a quick result. In the event that a person abandons the idea of \u200b\u200brevenge and begins to harness his power through a direct expression of anger. Learning to say “no” directly, instead of ambushing and building catacombs for partisan action.

Instead of "or-or" the pronoun "and" will begin to use. Both that, instead of or-or.

I hope that this information will help you better understand people and in yourself, which means it will provide an opportunity to improve the quality of life.

There are people around each of us whose relationships are more like a roller coaster.

Sometimes we can talk with them at ease, and sometimes we suddenly encounter their isolation and even hostility. What is the reason for this behavior?

According to the American psychologist Harriet Lerner, aggression is a way of expressing anger. Even the most timid and calm person cannot say that he never showed aggressive emotions in people. Indeed, in reasonable doses, aggression is necessary to storm traffic jams, “burning” projects and intractable partners. But there are such forms that are difficult to identify, which means it is not easy to overcome. Of these, passive aggression is the most sophisticated and destructive.

Recognize the aggressor.

Passive-aggressive behavior is a manner of behavior in which passive resistance is expressed to negative remarks of the opponent and the set goals are achieved by the person. People who prefer a passive-aggressive way of communicating will not openly oppose what they don't like. They have accumulated voltage that requires an output, manifests itself through a refusal to perform any action. This behavior pattern becomes aggressive due to the fact that “no” is not expressed explicitly, but passively. Here are the most common installations.

"I am not angry"

Denying feelings of anger is a classic passive-aggressive behavior. Instead of honestly confessing his negative feelings and explaining what caused them, the person will continue to say: "I'm not angry." Although at this time, an emotional storm of almost global proportions can occur inside.

"OK, it's up to you"

Sulking and moving away from a direct answer or arguments is another classic version of passive-aggressive behavior. Instead of saying that you don’t like something and presenting your counterarguments, the person closes and answers the standard “good” or “as you say, so be it.” Thus, anger is expressed in indirect ways, and the door for open dialogue closes.

"Yes, I'm coming already!"

This item requires no explanation. Just try to call the child to clean the room, do homework, wash dishes, sit down to eat a not very tasty dish. How many times will he need to be called? And in what tone will he say this “I'm coming!” For the tenth time? However, this is done not only by children, but also by adults, if they really do not want to do what they are called for. Thus, they at least briefly postpone the inevitable.

“I did not know what you mean to do now”

This phrase is one of the favorite among procrastinators (from English procrastination - delay, procrastination, from lat. Procrastinatus - a tendency to constantly “put off until later” unpleasant thoughts and deeds. In other words, procrastinators are slow people in decision-making, speaking simple modern language, “brakes.” If a person is given a task that he doesn’t really want to do, he will postpone it in all available ways. Correspondingly, if they ask him if he has already completed the task, the excuse will be standard: “But I don’t know What do you mean to do it now! "This phrase means that this task a person uncomfortable, and he is unlikely to quickly execute it even after the n-th reminders. And this is definitely the job of his angers.

“You want everything to be perfect”

When the constant postponement for later is no longer suitable, the person finds another option - to blame the one who gave the task. The student did not have time to do homework - the teacher is guilty, who wants everything to be perfect. The employee has exceeded the limit of funds allocated for the project - the employer is to blame, which requires perfect results for such little money, etc.

“I thought you know”

With this phrase, a person expresses his hidden aggression through a conscious concealment of information that could help. Usually small dirty tricks or those who like intrigue are engaged in such concealment. They did not show the letter, they did not say about the call - any trifle can be used. There was a conflict or embarrassment, but it turns out that you should, like, be aware of that annoying little thing that led to all this. How, you did not know ?! And I thought (thought) that you know ...

“Of course I would be happy.”

This phrase is preferred, first of all, by representatives of attendants, telephone operators or employees who are engaged in paper affairs. They can smile at you anytime and sweetly. They may promise that your case will be considered in the first place, but most likely, the more persistently you insist on urgency, the further the resolution of the issue will move forward. Up to the point that your papers may end up in the trash bin marked "Refuse." It is not known why, but very often people whose job it is to accept papers consider themselves to be almost the center of the universe and think that only the positive outcome of your business depends on them.

“You did so well for a person with your educational level (qualification)!”

This phrase can already be attributed to the category of dubious compliments. Very often it is pronounced by those who want to offend you and cause unpleasant emotions. And bribes are smooth with them: they didn’t offend you, but they made a compliment!

“I was only joking”

Sarcasm is another option to covertly express your aggression towards a person. You can say some disgusting things, and then immediately backtrack: “I was just joking!” And then any harsh response of the person to whom the aggression was directed can be turned against him, saying that he has absolutely no sense of humor. In fact, you don’t understand jokes?

"Why are you so upset (a)?"

After the aforementioned crude joke, a person may ask why his interlocutor is so upset. In fact, he will specifically ask his question in this or another obvious situation, after which it would be strange not to be upset. Thus, he will receive a hidden pleasure from the fact that again will unbalance you.

What is the way out of all these situations? If you feel that they are trying to anger you with such phrases, just do not react to them: this is a banal provocation in a hidden form.

The theory of "hidden threats"

The word "passive" in translation from Latin means "suffering". Passive aggression really hits its source no less than the one to whom it is directed. It becomes the basis for many fears: fear of dependence on relationships, fear of rejection, intimophobia (fear of emotional intimacy), fear of encountering your own and others' emotions. This gives rise to a defensive reaction: emotional distance, avoiding intimacy in relationships. When a child is scared, he cries, screams, runs away, hides. An adult does almost the same thing, only dresses it up in “decent” forms: avoids communication, forgets, doesn’t participate in relationships under specious pretexts, as if he hangs out the “I’ve gone, I’ll be back soon” sign. And if in social situations (at work, in the company of friends) you can still close your eyes to this, then in personal relationships such behavior hurts both of us - the partner who does not understand anything and the aggressor himself.

Psychoanalysts believe that at least 70% of men show passive aggression. But women also suffer from this "disease." After all, society requires us to be soft and non-conflict. And under the pressure of the stereotype of femininity or fear of losing relationships, aggression takes on hidden forms.

It is important for a person suffering from passive aggression to understand: this way of behavior destroys both relations with dear people and his own body. Probably the best way out is to try to survive the inner pain and distrust. Or you have to choose a safe distance in the relationship and abandon the thought of intimacy.

The main features of the passive aggressor:

He sets things aside until it is too late;

It does not fulfill promises, “forgets” about agreements, avoids emotional intimacy;

Denies, turns everything upside down, making the partner guilty;

Unclearly expresses his position, “confuses the tracks”;

Does not show attention: does not call, does not write SMS;

It sends conflicting signals: for example, it speaks of love, but acts in such a way that you suspect the opposite.

Never apologize.

4 opposition strategies

1. Recognize the signals of passive-aggressive behavior in advance: it is procrastination, ignoring, silence, avoiding discussion of the problem, gossip.

2. Do not succumb to provocations. The subconscious goal of the passive aggressor is to get you crazy. If you feel that you are starting to boil, try calmly expressing the negative: "I will not scream, because this will only aggravate the situation."

3. Point out to the passive aggressor the anger that he is experiencing - such people ignore this particular emotion. The opinion should be confirmed by a concrete fact, for example: "It seems to me that you are angry with me now because I asked you to do this."

Passive aggressiveness is an indirect expression of anger, in which a person tries to upset or hurt you in a not so obvious way. The difficulty is that it is easy for such a person to deny the presence of evil intentions. People show a tendency to passive-aggressive behavior for the reason that they do not know how to cope with the conflict properly. However, there are ways to help such a person realize his own behavior and solve the problem of passive aggression through communication.

Steps

Part 1

Get to know the signs.  The insidious nature of passive aggression lies in the fact that a person can plausibly deny this behavior. In response to your accusations, he can say that he does not understand what it is about, or accuse you of overreaction. Always trust your feelings and learn to distinguish between passive aggression.

Make sure you are not exaggerating. It may seem that a person is trying to annoy you, but it is also possible that you are just too dubious and take everything at your own expense. Evaluate your weaknesses - in the past, have you often come across people complicating your life? Does this person look like them? Do you assume that he behaves the same?

Pay attention to the sensations that a person makes you.  When dealing with a passively aggressive person, you may feel disappointment, anger, and even despair. It may seem as if you simply cannot please a person, no matter what you say or do.

• You may be hurt by the fact that you are the host of passive-aggressive behavior. For example, a person may give you a silent boycott.
• You may be confused by the fact that a person constantly complains, but does nothing to correct the situation. Follow your instincts.
• Being close to such a person can bore or devastate you, as you spend too much energy to cope with passive-aggressive behavior.

Part 2

Response to Passive-Aggressive Behavior

1. Always maintain a positive attitude.  The power of positive thinking helps you deal with everyday activities. People with passive-aggressive behavior will try to drag you into the funnel of negativity. Sometimes they try to provoke a negative reaction in order to shift their attention to you and appear to be not guilty. Do not allow this.

   • Stay positive so as not to fall to their level. Do not give such people a reason. Do not insult them, do not scream or be annoyed. Staying calm, you will be in a better position to shift attention to their actions, and not to their own. Angry, you only distract attention from real problems.
   • Model positive behavior. When communicating with children and adults, respond to your conflicts so that others know how to interact with you. Passive aggression emits emotions, hiding them behind a mask of indifference. Instead, be open, honest, express your emotions directly. Faced with passive-aggressive behavior such as demonstrative silence, direct the conversation in a productive way.

2. Always keep calm.  If you are upset, do not rush to make decisions and calm down first (go ahead, turn on the music and dance, solve the crossword puzzle), and then decide what you want to get from this situation, that is, with what reasonable outcome you can reconcile.

   • Control your emotions, especially anger. You do not need to directly blame people for passive aggression, this will only allow them to deny everything and accuse you of inflating a problem, excessive susceptibility or suspicion.
   • In no case do not lose your temper. Do not let the person understand that he or she was able to bring you out. This will only reinforce their behavior and everything will happen again.
   • Refrain from displaying anger or other emotionally charged reactions. So you take the situation into your own hands and look like a person who can not be pushed around.

3. Start a conversation about a problem.  While maintaining emotional stamina, self-esteem and calm, it is best to simply express how you see the situation. For example: “I could be wrong, but I suppose you were upset that Dima was not invited to the party. Let's discuss this? ”

   • Speak directly and to the point. If you express your thoughts indistinctly and speak in common phrases, then a person with passive-aggressive behavior can easily twist what has been said. If you are going to confront such a person, it is better to speak directly.
   • The danger of confrontation is generated by the possibility of a free interpretation of phrases like "You're back for the old!" So you don’t come to anything, it’s better to immediately say about a specific action. So, if you are annoyed by a silent boycott, then give an example of a specific case when it took place.

4. A person must realize that he is upset.  It’s not necessary to escalate the situation, but remain firm and say: “It looks like you are very upset now” or “It seems that something is bothering you”.

Part 3

How to protect yourself from passive-aggressive behavior

Set boundaries for such people.  Of course, you do not want to foment a confrontation, but you also do not need to become a punching bag for passive-aggressive people. This is one form of abuse that can harm you. You have every right to set boundaries.

• A common mistake is excessive softness. By losing passive-aggressive behavior, you lose control over the situation. This is a kind of power confrontation. You can remain calm and positive, but at the same time remain strong and firm in your decisions.
• Follow established boundaries. Make it clear that you will not tolerate mistreatment. If a person is constantly late and makes you nervous, then let me know that the next time you are late, you just go to the movies without him. This is one way to say that you are not going to pay for someone else's behavior.

1. Find and consider the root of the problem.  The best way to deal with such anger is to evaluate all prospects as soon as possible. To do this, you need to understand the root cause of anger.

   • If such a person is not characterized by angry behavior, then talk with common acquaintances who can know the reason and recognize the signs of incipient anger in time.
   • Dig deeper and fairly evaluate the reasons that prompt such behavior. Passive aggression is usually a symptom of other problems.

2. Learn assertive communication.  Communication can be aggressive, passive and passively aggressive. The productivity of all these types is inferior to assertive communication.

3. Understand when it is best to completely avoid encounters with a person.  If a person regularly engages in passive-aggressive behavior, then it is obvious that it is better to stop communicating with him. Your well-being is more important.

   • Find ways to see such a person as rarely as possible and not be alone. Always be in a team.
   • If such people carry only negative energy, then think twice whether it is in principle worth communicating with them.

4. Do not share information that can be used against you.  Do not give passive-aggressive people personal information, your emotions and thoughts.

   • Such people may ask questions that at first glance seem innocent and without malice. You can answer them, but do not go into details. Be friendly, but respond briefly and vaguely.
   • Avoid talking about your feelings and weaknesses. Passive-aggressive personalities often remember such details, even mentioned in passing, and later use them against you.

5. Contact your reseller for help.  This should be an objective representative of a third party from the personnel department, a close (but objective) relative or mutual friend. The bottom line is to engage a person whom you trust not only, but also your passively aggressive interlocutor.

   • Before meeting with the mediator, inform him or her of your concerns. Try to look at the situation from a different point of view and understand what causes anger. Do without reprehensibility and try to understand the reasons for repulsive behavior in a situation when you are trying to help.
   • In a one-on-one conversation, you run the risk of hearing “Come on, it's just a joke” or “You are reacting too sharply.” That is why it is better to use a third party.

6. Report the consequences if the person does not change their behavior. Since passive-aggressive individuals act secretly, they almost always resist attempts to change their behavior. Denials, excuses, and arrow translations are just a few of the patterns.

   • Regardless of the answer, state what you intend to do. It is important to cite one or two hard consequences in order to encourage such a person to reconsider his behavior.
   • The ability to understand and outline the consequences is one of the most effective ways to make a passively aggressive person “give in”. Properly informed consequences will stop a complex person and may change his unwillingness to cooperate.

7. Reinforce proper behavior.  In the context of behavioral psychology, reinforcement means something that you do or give to a person after he has followed a certain behavior. The purpose of reinforcement is to increase the frequency of such behavior.

   • This may mean a reward for good behavior that needs to be preserved, or a punishment for bad behavior that needs to be eliminated. Positive reinforcement is not the easiest task, since negative behavior is more apparent than positive. Always try to consider good behavior so as not to miss the opportunity to reinforce it.
   • For example, if a passively aggressive person opens up and honestly voices his feelings (“It seems to me that you behave this way with me on purpose!”), Then this is a great sign! Fix this behavior with the following words: “Thank you for sharing with me. I really appreciate that you can tell me about your feelings. "
   • This will attract positive attention to good behavior, will allow you to learn emotions. Now you can try to start an open dialogue.
• If you find fault, grumble and get angry, then you will only kindle a conflict and give a person more excuses and reasons not to accept responsibility.
• Accepting such behavior or accepting someone else's responsibility, you allow and encourage passive-aggressive behavior.
• People with this behavior often feel proud of their ability to control emotions.