How to survive grief and start a new life. Is it possible to help a person survive the grief

Our life is unpredictable. And, unfortunately, there is a place in it not only for happiness, but also for grief.

The loss of a loved one, the funeral of a parent, spouse, child is such a grief that few people can handle it themselves. The pain is severe. She does not leave for a minute, the support of loved ones does not cure, does not even bring fleeting relief.

The closest friends, the most sensitive people hardly find the right words to console. Moreover, often in their own words they only make it worse.

Do not blame them, they just do not know what to say and what to do. Few of them have been in your situation, at least roughly understand how you feel.

How not to go crazy with grief? Who will help deal with grief?

Do not torment yourself, do not push friends. Go to a therapist for professional help in overcoming grief. Its' his job.

Often the one who has to endure the loss himself, the sad loss, is forced, despite his emotional state (sometimes very difficult), to prepare for the funeral, collect certificates, and distribute the inheritance. What a therapist!

If there is a person in your environment who is experiencing a loss, try to take some of his worries on yourself and send him to a therapist. So you will render much more help than if you just try to find the right words.

How is grief treated or “trouble alone does not go”

There are frequent cases when one tragic event triggers a “chain reaction”: family members leave one after another.
Why? The answer is simple.
People set themselves up for the inability to live on if their loved one, relative has died. Moreover, this is an unconscious process! A person can consciously think that “he cannot die and leave little children” or “I am a breadwinner, I cannot leave sick parents”, that he has survived the grief and is even ready for changes.

Unexperienced grief, being in the unconscious, attracts the next grief.

Often people try to behave "decently" so as not to upset others. But it is very dangerous! If you do not survive grief, do not let go of loss, "do not allow yourself to be weak," restrain yourself, do not grieve, suppressed emotions settle in the unconscious, causing hypertension, ulcer, neurodermatitis, depression or panic attacks. Add here the obsessive negative images associated with the death of a loved one: “I sleep in bed, and he is in the damp earth” and guilt “I still live, but she is not” and you get an almost complete picture.

Why a grieving psychotherapist?

A professional psychotherapist will help to avoid depression, the development of psychosomatic diseases against stress, to ease the pain of losing a loved one.

The therapist will listen (this is very important! After all, often a person who has survived the loss and has no one to tell about his experiences. Random companions do not count) will help to express everything that is in your soul, neutralize negative beliefs, images, feelings of despair, loss of meaning and hopelessness .

His job is to be attentive and sensitive to emotional experiences.

Going to a therapist is not a whim, not a newfangled little thing. This is a real need if you are faced with grief.

The therapist helps to survive the grief, discharge the negative charge and prevent the triggering of a chain reaction of tragic events. In psychotherapy sessions, you will learn strategies for self-correction, adaptation to new life and stress reduction.
Attention! Do not try to drown out the mental pain with pills or alcohol! Grief must be experienced, not pushed into a corner. Sign up for a first consultation. I assure you, it will become easier.

This article is about the rules for helping people, surviving the death of a loved one. They allow you to soften the process of grief and deal with the pain and suffering that goes with it

Greetings

You, dear reader!

In we discussed the stages of experiencing grief with you.

As I promised, in this publication I will talk about how to help a loved one survive the grief of loss.

Why i decided

write an article on this subject?

The fact is that as I often work with people experiencing grief. .

And it happens that they complain that the mourner does not accept their help or does not respond adequately to it.

Many do not know how to behave with a grieving person and how to help him.

Indeed, often people do not have sufficient psychological literacy to provide such assistance.

Moreover, many of their advice and exhortations only worsen the condition of the grieving person.

For example,

what are phrases like:

“Stop sorrowing and crying, it's time!”
“You should not execute yourself like this - life goes on”
“He (the deceased) cannot be helped anymore, but you need the living!” Stop grieving! ”
“Hold on and be strong! Tears of sorrow will not help!

Why does such support not help, and sometimes worsen matters?

First, such exhortations repel the grieving person from you. After all, you do not hear his true feelings. Ignore and devalue them with these phrases,.

You are not talking about what's relevant right now.

And now the experiences of the grieving are relevant, not the imperative thoughts.

Secondly, as a consequence, such help interrupts the natural course of the grief process.

This is the same as interfering with the healing of a bodily wound.

A different approach is needed here. And what kind of person will you find out by reading this article to the end.

So, …

General rules

psychological support grieving

of man

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Before we get into the description of these rules, I will dwell on several important points.

The first one. Since even a completely stranger and unfamiliar person is a very unpleasant event, thenand the grief of a person mourning causes natural rejection.

Because it is associated with feelings of powerlessness, fear, anxiety and uncertainty.

The psychological defense is working. You instinctively pull away and feel bewildered.

Hence the notorious: "Enough to suffer, grief with tears can not help."

Such words are often pronounced not for the grieving, but for themselves.

To naturally move away from grief and experience it as little as possible.

The second one. As I said above, one should not discount the feelings and emotions of a grieving person with phrases such as:

“Do not be so killed! After all, he was so sick, and now it’s easier for him, he is exhausted! ”
“Look, A.V. it was even worse - her child died, and your husband lived long and! ”

The grief is individual; it cannot be compared with any other. This only depreciates and causes a protest.

Or, for example, phrases:

“You are still ahead! You still have time to fix life. “Have another baby”, “Marry again (marry)”, etc.

From such phrases it only gets worse. After all, grief is it here in the present. Therefore, now it’s not up to the grieving now.

The pain of loss is still too acute, yet too deep suffering.

The process of grief should not be interrupted, but it is necessary to allow a person to go through it, to allow it to burn off.

This is the most important condition for returning to normal life, but already without a dead person.

And the third. It should be remembered that the death of a loved one can cause a person to have very acute reactions, up to stress disorder.

And you must be prepared for very unusual mental states in a person experiencing grief.

It can be a stupor or, conversely, a strong motor and emotional arousal, similar to a tantrum. This may be an unusual calm, or complete apathy and indifference to everything.

So, here are the general rules for helping a grieving person:

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1. Stay close

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This refers psychologically. Even if you are geographically far, support a person .

Be prepared to listen to a lot of grief and empathize with him. He must know that he is not alone.

What's next is someone to lean on during this mournful hour.

It is important to let him speak out. Let him talk about his experiences, about the memories of the dead.

It is important not to bypass the issues of death and suffering, not to translate the conversation on extraneous topics, but to talk about what is in the soul.

Let him talk about everything that comes to his mind. In addition, it is important to give him the opportunity to cry.

Tears are this. This is the basis of grief and farewell to the deceased.

Crying and speaking out what is inside are the key moments of a gradual dwelling of grief, the path to liberation from suffering.

Therefore, if you want to help a loved one, then you should not immediately and categorically reassure him when he cries and weeps.

Let him cry, let not hold back tears and sobs.

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2. Help

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Offer your help. But don’t just say: “How can I help you?” And offer something specific. For example: “What do you need to buy?”, “Stay with you at night?”, “Go for groceries?”, Etc.

It is difficult for a grieving person to assess the situation, so concrete help will be very useful for him.

Help the mourner to master new social and living conditions, to establish life without a dead person.

But do not meddle with your help if you feel that at the moment it is not needed.

Perhaps for some time the mourner wants to be alone so that he is not disturbed.

Give him that opportunity.

Sometimes, in order to survive the grief, you need to stay with him for a while .

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3. Accept

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Accept the grieving person, his feelings and feelings sincerely, unconditionally and unconditionally. Whatever it is: angry, crying, criticizing, unhappy, sick, unpleasant to you, weak and even in a sharp form refusing your help.

He must see that he is sincerely accepted, despite his shortcomings and the fact that he can cause problems to others with his weakness or something like that.

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4. Be patient

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To the emotional instability of the grieving, to acute reactions, to weaknesses, to his irritability and anger.

Patiently listen to his complaints, his stories and memories of the deceased, even if they have been repeated more than once.

This is the most important moment of grief - to give bouts of suffering and grief to come out through speaking and tears.

The more this is, the better.

In general, it is worth noting that patience is on the list.

But is this really so? Read about it in the article:

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5. Follow the health of the mourner

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First of all, organize the opportunity for relaxation and good nutrition. Since the mourner himself may not notice the need for this.

If he refuses sleep and food, then show gentle perseverance and offer to eat quite a bit and sleep for at least half an hour.

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6. Watch your speech

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Avoid evaluative, categorical, and disastrous judgments such as:

"Horrible!"
"This is not to survive!"
“Why did he do that!”
"Everything is bad!"
“Sooner or later, we will all die!”
“Weakness is bad! You need to be courageous! ”Etc.

These judgments are nothing but leading to problems in life and relationships.

Also, avoid any statements that can cause a grief feeling guilty.

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7. Do not force events

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Means - do not rush the grief process. Everyone has it, and its terms are individual. Grief is lived in stages.

If it is not completed completely, or the process is “stuck” on one of them, then this may adversely affect the psychological and physical health of the mourner.

Do not try to amuse the grieving person, to radically distract him from grief, to divert him from experiences.

See the article for more on this:

Important!!!

You should start worrying if:

a) a grieving person has more than once seen delusions and hallucinations;

b) he has unusual conditions for a long time, for example, when a person is too calm, or his emotional and motor excitement does not go away for a long time;

c) he abuses alcohol, drugs and / or drugs;

d) ceases to monitor their health, appearance and living conditions;

e) says a lot about the meaninglessness of life, that he would like to join the dead, that he does not want to live, does not see the point in it, that now he doesn’t care what will happen next, and how to continue to live

All this should alert you.

If necessary, best.

Perhaps that’s all.

Now you know the general rules of how to help a loved one survive the grief.

In the next article we will talk about one of the most effective tools

When, so suddenly for herself, her beloved spouse dies, it seems that life loses its meaning. And even if you have lived in marriage for many years, left behind your heirs, it is difficult to imagine how to live on without a soul mate. In this case, the priest's advice will help you understand how to survive your beloved husband. After all, as you know, when a person enters the afterlife, relatives on earth should do their best to help him reach Paradise.

Tips of a priest how to survive the sudden death of a beloved husband

A deceased person is in great need of the care of people close to him, who remained here on this sinful earth. Everyone should remember that, as a person, a person does not disappear. He has an immortal soul, but if during his life he was not a believer, then in order to survive his death, you must carefully consider his own soul. First of all, do not fall into excessive grief. Indeed, despondency is one of the eight deadly sins. If you allow it to settle in your soul, then a void forms in it.
Try to calm down, put all your strength, put your love for the deceased into. Pray until the 40th day. This is necessary for both your soul and the soul of your husband.
Remember that after this life on earth, you will definitely meet your spouse, and therefore think about whether you deserve a good life after your own death. Do not forget that excessive lamentations and howling over the dead are incompatible with Orthodoxy. Forget about grief. It will not help either you or your loved one who has gone into another world. Remember that the husband lives, but he lives with God.
Write a note and donate in the temple for the repose of the spouse's soul. Pray more and ask the Lord to help you survive this difficult loss. And this rule applies not only to the question of how to survive the death of a husband to a woman aged, but also to a young widow. Remember that your life on this earth does not end. It is necessary to believe in the Almighty and continue to live, enjoy every day.

We all know about the probabilistic nature of tragic events: misfortune can happen to anyone, and this causes sympathy and empathy for the victim. The birth of a child with developmental disabilities is often perceived as a disaster. Parents sometimes compare the tragedy of this event with the sudden death of the closest person.

Most of those who have gone through such grief adapt to their new life without professional help. The process of experiencing painful events is facilitated if others are inclined to understand and recognize that it is important to have the right to grief.
Each person has his own personal “best way” of expressing his grief, and this method is different for different people. Someone is crying and sobbing. Someone expresses their feelings in a different way. Perhaps for those around them these manifestations are not at all like experiencing grief. The most important thing is to let these feelings become aware. How they are then expressed is perhaps less important. In order for a person to be able to “ward off to the end,” it is necessary that he be allowed to grieve exactly as he needs.
The comforting thought that time heals is not true. Grief is not something that will passively allow itself to survive, but the hard and painful work that is performed by a person who is experiencing tragic events. But time is still crucial. Work related to grief cannot be accelerated, and one who experiences grief must set the pace himself. A person who is faced with difficult, tragic events needs to be helped to find the courage to meet his grief, and, first of all, he needs to be helped to express grief in his own way. And it certainly needs to be expressed!
By letting your parents feel that their feelings are understood and accepted as a natural part of grief, you truly support them. They may need a person who is just nearby and allows you to fully delve into the grief. The real help is understanding that the person who has suffered the loss must do the hard work for which he needs support.

In order for parents to be able to carry out this work, they need time, peace and permission to express all their hard and “forbidden” feelings, talking about them. Families with children with developmental disabilities need ongoing psychological assistance and support.

The most reasonable and effective way to solve any life problem is to take action. The answer to this phenomenon is that the amount of attention that a person devotes to reality is limited. And if attention is filled with constructive activity, then there is no free space for frightening fantasies and disturbing experiences. Therefore, the inclusion of the parents of a child with disabilities in active work, primarily related to raising a child, is one of the most important conditions for overcoming stress.
As practice shows, you should start by studying the specialized literature and the experience of raising such children in other families, and also try to create favorable conditions for the life and development of your child.

For parents who are shocked by the appearance in their family of a child with developmental disabilities, communication plays a significant role in relieving mental stress and withdrawing from a state of depression. It is very important to know that you are not alone in your misfortune, that there are other families where such children are brought up. Best of all parents will understand one who has experienced a similar blow of fate. Having met a "soul mate", you can cry, "having poured out your grief," and learn from the experience of raising a child. After such communication, as a rule, relief comes, glimmers of hope appear that a child with a violation can be adequately raised and made him a full member of society.
And life itself presents similar examples: there are many people who, thanks to hard work and unbending will, partially or completely conquer their ailments, which were initially considered hopeless. Doomed, it would seem, to a miserable existence, they make their life complete and happy.

In 1994 A.V. Suvorov, who lost his sight and hearing, defended his thesis on the problem of personal self-development in extreme conditions of deaf-deafness. And two years later he presented and successfully defended his doctoral dissertation on the topic: "Humanity as a factor in personal self-development." It developed an original method of self-rehabilitation of children with disabilities. In 1961, deaf-deaf-mute O.I. Skorokhodova successfully defended her thesis on the topic: "How I Perceive the World Around". With a complete absence of vision and hearing, she developed the ability for scientific creativity. After defending her dissertation, she worked at the Research Institute of Defectology of the Academy of Pedagogical Sciences, conducted work on the training and education of deaf-blind children. Paying tribute to these people, we should not forget that the parents laid the foundations of these qualities, it was they who largely created the conditions for their development. The future of children with anomalies directly depends on the internal spiritual work of the parents on themselves and the problems that have arisen in the family.
Expecting a child, future parents imagine how he will grow, who he will look like, what his first word will be: “mom” or “dad” - and when he tells him how he will begin to take his first steps, how he will appear friends, what interests will he have, etc. Parents are preparing for the changes that will occur after the birth of the baby: the mother thinks that she will have to leave work for some time, but is already thinking about her return to the team (maybe even discussing this with the management).

When a child is born with developmental disabilities, parents lose their coveted, healthy, ideal child, "The Child of Their Dreams." The appearance of a real baby, who does not look like an idyllic image, plunges parents into shock. In an instant, not only the dreams of the ideal child who was awaited in the family are crumbling, but also all ideas about the future. The feelings that parents experience can be compared with the experience of real loss, although a living child was born. It is necessary that parents have the opportunity to "rework" their grief in such a way and at the pace that this particular family needs. But if grief is not recognized, if others or circumstances impede the internal work of the parents associated with grief, when this feeling may lie or the process of experiencing grief is suspended.

According to Freud, grief becomes pathological when the “work of grief” is unsuccessful or incomplete. In this case, grief continues to live in the father and mother, but it is disguised and difficult to recognize. In any case, the parent should be given the opportunity to grieve over his lost Dream Child. After all if the child was born dead, the mother could devote all the time and energy to mourning the lost Child of the dream, but the child with limitations is alive, and he requires love and attention from the mother. In this situation, parents do not always know whether it is “possible” for them to grieve, if this is appropriate - the child is alive.

In recent years, a whole theory of crisis and grief has been developed in psychology. Grief is the process during which a person experiences the pain of loss. This process can conditionally be divided into several stages, which are considered common for those who have lost, although the reactions of people are individual and everyone experiences grief in their own way. Several authors immediately distinguish approximately the same stages of grief.

Stage 1 Shock and unwillingness to accept and believe

This, the very first stage of grief is characterized by tears, loss of sleep, appetite, loss of strength, decreased activity and numbness, decreased ability to think rationally, to concentrate.
Parents may seem confused, they ignore the recommendations of specialists, their social activity decreases (the circle of communication narrows). Parents easily experience irritation and anger, which often concentrate on some health workers, whom they bitterly accuse of making some kind of mistake. Parents are shocked and confused; they cannot believe what happened. Mother tries to recall the difficult event in detail, to find meaning in what happened, often asks herself the questions: “Why me? Why is all this with me? ”
Mother yearns for the Child of her dreams, continues to dream that everything can still be corrected. She needs hope, she appeals to others to participate in her dream. She is not yet ready to realize reality.
Fathers are also not easy. They are in a difficult emotional state and simply not able to support his wife, which causes her an additional feeling of guilt and despair. But it’s more difficult for men to show their weakness and complain.

2stage. Negation

This is a more active stage. From the side it seems that the family is trying to prove to everyone (and most importantly, to itself) that everything is almost in order with the child, everything will go away, you just need to find a "really effective means." Parents cling to the hope that the diagnosis is wrong, that the child will “catch up” with their peers.
Parents can continue to ignore the condition of the child or his diagnosis, doubt the qualifications of doctors, and blame them for what happened. Often turn to specialists of a different kind (magicians, healers). They still ask the question: “Why me?”
The problems that befall the family present very great demands on the cooperation of mother and father. Parents rarely experience the same feelings at the same time. A child and his problems can have different meanings for them. As a result, each member of the family, including children, is separated with their worries and questions, although they would need to talk to each other about problems so that the distance between them would not become too large. Until the family members have contact with each other, cooperation will develop in a superficial, imaginary way. If there is no way to talk about sensitive issues in the family, its members will pretend that they are doing well, while the emotional gap between them will become larger. It is necessary that everyone has the opportunity to express their personal feelings, so that cooperation in the family is deeper and more useful.
Many parents keep their grief in themselves to spare the feelings of loved ones. But then they lose the opportunity to talk about their problems, which would facilitate their grief process. It happens that one of the parents or other children who feel their involvement in what is happening do not dare to express their feelings, sparing other family members. Thus, they restrain their own process of experiencing grief.
Mom can feel a lot of guilt, she often takes full responsibility for the violations of the child. As a result, a woman devotes her life to caring for a baby and can sacrifice everything for him. If the father does not feel such a desire and wants to devote time to himself and others, the mother feels that she is the protector of the child, and she suspects the father of treachery. Brothers and sisters of a child can also feel like traitors if they dare to show that they want to live their own lives and not sacrifice too much for their brother or sister. Parents are obsessed with their positions, which are increasingly diverging. Mom isolates herself and takes her child with her - to a world where no one else can penetrate. A woman shows in various ways that only she knows and understands what her son or daughter needs, hoping at the same time for the help of the pope. If the father cannot break through this wall, he feels "excluded" from their world and steps aside. When the responsibility seems more difficult over time, mom becomes annoyed by the "indifference" of the pope. Her disappointment is noticeable in martyrdom, bitterness and accusations.
When a mother sees a child without violations (such as the Dream Child seemed to her), she compares him to her real child, and this leads to disappointment. There are more and more disappointments, hopes to return the Child of Dreams - all less.
When the process of grief proceeds in a “healthy” way, mother gradually stops thinking about the Child of her dreams, she suffers and “processes” the loss step by step, slowly gets used to reality.

3 stage. Despair, bitterness, depression, anger

It is these feelings that replace longing. Mom is trying to "tear" her thoughts and feelings from the Dream Child. She must find a new dream that will be based on reality. But before that, she needs to find the strength in herself to put up with the decay and uncertainty that she feels when the old dream is destroyed.
This process can go in two ways. If the mother managed to destroy the old dream, and she has not yet managed to create a new one, then the woman lives in a confused, disordered and very unreliable world. It seems to her that everything is collapsing, that there is chaos around her. She becomes lethargic and depressed. Mom fights against the chaotic world and still tries to keep the old dream. Parents continue to ask, “Why me?”
Mom is at home all the time, she feels lonely and annoyed. It is difficult for her to talk about her feelings, chatting with her friends, they become silent when she appears.
It turns out a vicious circle: unspoken feelings and limited communication lead to even greater loneliness. Severe depression and suicidal attempts may occur here.
If a mother cannot stand the state of “destruction” of her dream of an Ideal child, she continues to focus on her. The psychological defense is automatically triggered, which does not allow the pain, anxiety and fear caused by what happened to the person to help the person to adapt to the new reality, which collapsed too suddenly.
The result of such protection may be that the mother will remain in the "past" for a long time. She cannot adapt to existing life or enjoy it, because she lives in a dream. The image of the lost Dream Child is becoming more and more fantastic and harder to leave.
Another way to avoid the collapse of a dream is to force it out of consciousness. Instead of grieving and destroying a dream in grief (i.e. productively), mother accumulates deep inside herself longing for a lost child and fantasies about him.
The child’s limited abilities can cause parents not only positive feelings: after all, he did not live up to their hopes. Parents may experience rejection of the child or aggression towards him, but by all means try to hide these feelings even from themselves. It seems to them that it is forbidden to have such feelings for their child, they begin to blame themselves for the very emergence of these feelings. Parents try to atone for their guilt with increased care, hyper-care, which the child only harms. Such children become more dependent than they could be.
Parents can feel anger towards the child, because their life has changed dramatically, some plans have been violated. They cannot express this anger to the baby, so unexpressed aggression accumulates, although it is being supplanted. Sometimes it still erupts and collapses "on the wrong" person.
Sometimes parents who were unable to “process” their own grief try to do this indirectly, helping other families solve their problems. Experiencing others, people thereby transform their own feelings of bitterness and helplessness. Mom and Dad do not openly express their grief, longing and despair, the process of internal work associated with grief is suspended long before the bonds with the Child of their dreams are broken. To truly adapt to a real child then becomes impossible.
Until mom builds new realistic dreams for a real child, she will feel anxiety and apathy, despair and depression. Anger and longing decrease over time, but bouts of apathy and depression remain.

4 stage. Reorganization

Parents experienced their fear, anger, disappointment, despair and powerlessness and felt how their life was destroyed. They experienced a dream and hopes in relation to reality and gradually realized that life and dreams were diverging.
In the course of their internal work related to grief, they destroyed their old dream, and now they are faced with the task of building a new dream of the future, which will include their child with his problems - such as he really is. Attachment and hope must now be connected with a real child. Parents gradually cease to live in the past, they look bolderly into the future. They connect their feelings and hopes with reality, make plans with a realistic assessment, based on the abilities that their child has. Parents, with their mind and heart, accept the illness of their child, adequately evaluate it. And they show true devotion towards him.
During the last stage of grief (which, in fact, never ends), parents begin to perceive the past as a difficult life experience - an experience that will remain with them forever, but which does not have to destroy their future life. Parents can talk about the future, build long and short plans. The circle of communication is restored, interests that are associated not only with caring for the child appear. But this happens if the parents were able to do all the internal work associated with grief. They reworked their frustrations and regained their self-esteem. In most cases, faith in the child’s own strengths and abilities gives such parents spiritual strength and support. All resources are directed to build a life with such a child. The family develops skills to overcome stressful situations and ways to cope with everyday difficulties.

The inner work associated with grief and the work required to return to life with renewed vigor can take a long time, sometimes a very long time. It is important that parents and the people around them know this. But it is also important to know that hard internal work associated with grief is a stage that you can go through.
However, the future is fraught with many terrible questions. Almost all parents can tolerate the fact that the child cannot do without help when he is small, since there is hope that dependence decreases as the child grows. For many parents of children with disabilities, this hope is very small. Their parental responsibility for their child never truly ends. Such dependence (of the child and parents) on other people throughout the life of the child is quite difficult. But there are more frightening things, so frightening that you can hardly imagine them without a shudder - this is the fear that the child will be dependent on others even after the parents die.
Parents worry about what will happen to the child when they die. We live in a society that attaches great importance to beauty, physical and intellectual abilities. Each parent is afraid that reality may be especially cruel towards someone who does not have the ability to influence his life and depends on the sympathy, mercy and interests of other people. Every parent wants his child to be so well provided with everything necessary as this would lead him to a more or less prosperous life, full of respect and dignity.
The grief of the parents that their real, living child is limited in possibilities, the fear of the future will remain with them forever. This kind of grief may remain - this is normal. It is normal that the parents are grieving, that they too suddenly had to grow old, that they too quickly gained from life knowledge that comes over the years and that a person is ready to meet only at an older age. Did parents lose their carefree youth too early when they, together with their child, had to feel helpless, feel a little human, think about the meaning of life? What remains when the grief was burned to the end?

If we could choose, then, of course, we would not want to receive all that bitter experience that life sometimes presents to us. But such things tend to happen all of a sudden. The trouble does not take into account a person’s readiness for grief and difficulties. Well, such an experience can still give us knowledge and maturity.

A special child can teach his parents patience, humility, and gratitude for the gifts of life that they took for granted, tolerance, devotion, and faith. One can find solace even in the realization that not everything has been given to us. The child will force the parents to develop a peculiar kind of courage, which gives the ability to steadily meet difficulties, because, in a sense, the mothers and fathers of special children suffered the most difficult grief that life can bring.

Galina Lugovaya, defectologist, mother of a special child

The Seventh Petal No. 1, 2009

Everyone knows that despair is the companion of all those who grieve. Sincere sorrow sometimes comes to the point that they blame God for the death of loved ones, do not see a way out, cannot imagine how to live. Despair leads to both psychological and spiritual problems.

I must say that despair is one of the most terrible passions. This is an extreme degree of despondency. It is a direct result of unbelief or lack of faith. If a person believes in God and His All-Good Providence, then no matter what happens, he will thank the Lord for his sorrow and joy - “Glory to God for everything!” The Lord does all things to the believer for good, and so the Holy Scripture says.

It is difficult to communicate with a desperate person, and it is very difficult to convey something to him. He closes himself and closes himself to God in his unbelief. He can be helped only when he starts to open a little, when the cold of the soul that generates despair completely torments him, and a person begins to look for spiritual and spiritual warmth. And if God gives, such a person will come to the temple of God and ask for help. Then he really can help with something. Practice shows that spiritual healing can be very long, because despair is not quickly cured. The church traditionally offers the following Means: constant, rapid communion of God through the Holy Mysteries. Because through the Sacraments, the Lord gives special joys to the soulawakens her best spiritual feelings. And through them the soul gradually thaws, a person opens up “spiritual eyes,” and he begins to see something else, except for his grief.

You can help a desperate person surrounded him with love. Do not indulge his passions with permissiveness (this is called human pleasing), but warm him with a good attitude, tolerate his weakness, understand his illness. This is one side. The other side is spiritual: for this person you need to pray, beg forgiveness from God for him. Close relatives should especially earnestly pray: father and mother. By the prayer of loved ones, changes in the life and soul of a person can begin. And thus, in the end, he can be brought to God, to the Church and to Salvation. That is, to save his soul from death through despair.

As Seraphim of Sarov said: “Gather the spirit of peace, and thousands beside you will be saved”. Just stay next to a desperate person, talk with him about simple everyday things, bring him to the temple so that he feels that the world is not confined to his grief, that there is love and warmth in the world. This is one way to convey that the source of Love is God. It may be difficult to feel God in grief, but it will be easier if you see that it was God who led you out of the darkness, that God warmed your heart. Now you don’t feel this, not from the fact that there is no God, but from the fact that you are closed from God, just as you are closed with an umbrella on a sunny day. And God pours out on all his love and warmth, his grace (as stated in the Gospel - both on sinners and on the righteous). You move the umbrella of your grief to the side, do not lock on yourself. Remember how many situations in your life there have been (and will be!) When God clearly helped you. You forgot about it now, and when God helped you, you remembered about it and even thanked Him. And now you need to remember it again and not despair. Because if you remember God, look at Him with humility and meekness, call Him for help, He will certainly come to your aid. Despair, like ice from solar heat, will melt. And your heart will turn into a fertile land that will blossom again. Beauty in your soul and in your life will definitely be again! But first, move the umbrella a little ...

It is despair that leads people to immediate suicide or draws them into slow suicide - into alcoholism, drugs. Just remember that you are not the first to live in this world. Many went through similar situations, and were in a more desperate situation.

I often remind you of this, offering to go to a boarding school or to a nursing home, where people have been lying on bedsores for years, and when you come to them, they smile at you. And not only do you come to them like the sun, but they are also the sun for you. Not only you them, but they will support you. Just think how hard it is for sick people to live. They sometimes ask: "Father, when will I die ?!" But with all this, they do not fall into despair, pray, receive communion.

And there are more severe cases. And even in them sometimes there is a way out. We have an abortion program in our ward. And they often give an example: “What would you say to a family with four children, the mother is sick with syphilis, the father is also sick, and the fifth child is on the way. What to do with pregnancy? ”But Beethoven was such a child. With an abortion, a mother would rob humanity of Genius. That is, all the terrible conditions that seem insoluble are actually very often resolved by the Providence of God and become very useful consequences for the victim himself and for his neighbors. This is an important point.

Consider another example. In a normal large family, a disabled child is born, demented. And now, it turns out that this child was not accidentally sent by God, because the whole family rallied around him. This child has become a center of love. And all members of the family lived together in pain and in common care for this child. And the suffering, which at first seemed a terrible punishment, turned out to be in fact the Providence of God, saving and necessary.

In a letter to the spiritual daughter of Seraphim Vyritsky, there is such an idea that no matter what the difficult conditions, it is important for us to understand that they were sent to us from a loving God for our salvation. Because without this ordeal we cannot be saved. Everyone has their own path, and God led you this way. No need to despair, bearing the test given to you, because through it God brings you closer to Him. And God is not a cruel tyrant, but, on the contrary, a loving Father.

Professor Osipov gives an example: one person has tuberculosis, and the second has appendicitis. The first is sent to be treated at the resort, and the second - under the surgeon's knife. Whom does God love more? Think about it ...

Where does our despair come from? This passion lives in man, and besides, he is fueled by the enemy of the human race. It must be understood that when we lock ourselves up in despair, shut ourselves off from God, we attract the powers of darkness. And such “spiritual isolation” harms the soul of the deceased to the same extent that entertainment harms. Despair is a passion that kills a prayer spirit. A person in despair cannot pray because he is immersed in his pain. He even likes this condition, and sometimes he does not want to leave it. It must always be remembered that despair deprives a person of a prayerful spiritual connection with the deceased and hinders the assistance to both the deceased and himself.

And despair is often accompanied by blasphemy against God: “He took away! What right did he have ?! ”But if one renounces God, then how hard it becomes for the second! After all, when we draw near to God, we help the deceased. When we distance ourselves from Him through passions and despair, we distance the departed from the comfort of God, and plunge ourselves into darkness. Does all this testify to the degree of our true love for the departed? There is no sacrifice in despair!This is pure selfishness.

How many wars, invasions, and deaths have there been in history? But it was never in Russian traditions to blaspheme and blame God. It is always easier to blaspheme God than to engage in oneself and correct the situation. And our spiritual laziness is also the fault. A person understands that if he goes to church, he will have to accept many of the conditions that it imposes on our lives: to obey the commandments of God, regularly perform prayers, and fast. And it’s easier for a person to wave away and stay in the dirt in which he is. A person does not understand that this will only make him worse. He simply does not know any other sweetness than the sweetness of sin!