How to most sympathetically express your sympathy to a person. How to empathize and empathize, so that a person becomes easier from this

Empathy is the ability of a person to feel the sadness, suffering, sadness of others, to live the grief that other people experience. The ability to sympathize with someone else’s grief helps a person to be more pleasant for communication and to establish relationships with others. A sympathetic person is able to provide support, cheer, calm, and this at the same time becomes an incentive for someone to start looking for a solution to the problem. If the individual is characterized by sympathy and compassion, it is easy to make contact with him, such people usually do not evaluate and do not criticize actions or beliefs, these people are simply ready to devote to you part of their time and attention in the necessary period of life.

What is empathy

We learn empathy from infancy, most often copying the behavior of parents and close relatives. It is very important to show the child ways to express sympathy. If the baby is used to having sympathy and support after any failure, he will also prove himself as an adult.

Buddhism reveals the phenomenon of empathy and compassion as a thirst to free others from suffering. Buddhists believe that human nature is compassion, love, and kindness. To express sympathy, humanity also needs wisdom.

An interesting look at empathy was described by David Myers in Social Psychology, where the author gives a psychological description of empathy. Any exciting situation in the life of someone perhaps awakens in our so-called.

Myers took three factors as a basis for sympathetic expression of feelings. Firstly, responding with sympathy to the oppressed state of mind of a person, our psyche unknowingly reduces its distress to nothing and removes the internal sense of guilt. Myers called it veiled. Secondly, sympathizing, we can, distracting from our experiences, switch to the experiences of others. Thirdly, the generally accepted rules push us to express sympathy. By rules are meant the expectations of society, which dictate specific behavior and emotional reaction. It can be described as tact, good breeding and humanity.

The ability to sympathize with others is a key feature in the character of a practicing psychologist. Karl Rogers believed that without this quality the work of a psychologist would be impossible. He describes that empathy (empathy, empathy) is a fundamental feature of a therapist in a therapeutic relationship with a patient, and a basic requirement for personal changes in the client himself. The characterization of Rogers sympathy was as follows: the phenomenon is a complex process, including awareness of the role, experiences and principles of the individual. However, one must be aware that this is not a primitive recognition of human experiences, as well as the ability to go beyond the boundaries of the situation in time and evaluate it from a new perspective.

Empathy and compassion are very often used as synonyms, but you can describe the difference in these terms as follows: compassion is a feeling of sadness, and empathy is a state of mind that can bring a sense of joy to life.

What is more important empathy or real help

Have you ever faced the question: how to help a loved one? Listen to and provide moral support or throw all your resources to resolve the difficulty? It is impossible to categorically give an answer to this question, you should start from the circumstances, conditions and the person who addressed you. For one, a financial problem is only a temporary difficulty, for another a complete disaster! Therefore, providing support should be given the characteristics and characteristics of a person. Regarding your direct participation, there are big risks here, solving problems for loved ones, you put the obligations for their lives on your personal account. Subsequently, he will lose the incentive to solve on his own, and at the first difficulties he will simply look for who will find a solution again instead. Also, your sincere help will not be appreciated and as a result there will be more complaints and reproaches to you than thanks that you deserve. Compassion is a little different. When a man spoke out, shared with you moments that bothered him or upset him, felt that he was understood and supported, he had resources open for further movement. Having also discussed the problem with loved ones, you can find a solution where it was not even considered before. But if one plunges too much into the problems of others, then we begin to live a strange life, while depreciating our own. The main thing to realize is that empathy and compassion are wonderful, but how do we deal with our own questions? Do not lose sight of the fact that everyone is responsible for the outcome of decisions and actions taken. Protect yourself from the burden of other people's problems.

Do not rush to improve someone else's life, listen, help a person not to keep everything in himself, because sometimes even silent participation is enough to help.

Do I need to learn empathy

Empathy and compassion border on such human traits as -, responsiveness, empathy and other positive qualities that have an impact on the formation of a full-fledged personality. Everyone wants to see people capable of good, disinterested and sincere actions, can this be without sympathy? From childhood, we learn to respect the elders, help parents, we are taught that it is necessary to protect and care for weak animals, without compassion it is impossible to do this.

Try to explain to the child that everyone around them feels pain and resentment, discuss their feelings, you can assign a color to each feeling together with the child, it will be interesting both for the baby and you. If a disagreement arises, it is worth discussing why this is so and what the participants are worried about. The parental home should be filled with an atmosphere of peace and tranquility. If the child has shown to you or others, ask what exactly caused it, how it is possible to change this situation. A child who has been instilled with sympathy and compassion from childhood will not be rude to animals, offend younger ones and generally prove his innocence with his fists. Explain to the child that expressing sympathy is not a manifestation of weakness, but an indicator of proper education. If you show how sympathy can be expressed, then in the future the baby will first of all take care of the feelings of others, and will seek a way out without resorting to. Books can be a great way to raise compassion and sympathy in a child. In all fairy tales there are characters who experience the whole gamut of emotions: anger, compassion and sympathy. Going on a journey with his beloved heroes, the child will learn to show kindness. All children from birth are filled with love for the world, and the task of parents is to develop a positive attitude further, and not allow it to give way to anger and aggression.

Having matured, we encounter cruelty, which is explained by the fact that sympathy is not peculiar to individuals. It is hard to contact people of this nature, they are rude, selfish and do not spare the feelings of others. Very often, the root of the problem just goes into childhood, they did not have an example of a parent who would show how to express sympathy (in many cases, such people are clamped and emotionally closed). Such personalities are avoided and try to keep at a distance. But you can help deal with this by showing that empathy and compassion is the norm. The suppressed accumulate within us and can be harmful to our health. To achieve peace of mind, peace and harmony with yourself and the world, do not be afraid to show your emotions. Compassion for the troubles and failures of loved ones, support them and motivate you to continue to move only forward, not letting the bad take up, help people open their lives for all the good that lies ahead!

Compassion for someone means that you both feel empathy in your soul and express it. Understanding someone else's suffering can help you feel great sympathy for the person. From here you will need to act with all sincerity and delicacy if you really want to express all your compassion that you experience.

Steps

Part 1

How to feel compassion

Examine the situation. Showing empathy for a person in need can be easier when you know what he / she has to deal with.

Ask the sufferer to explain what he / she went through. But don't push too hard. For example, you can say something like “if you want to talk about what happened, I will be next to all the willingness to listen to you and find out what you had to go through.”
You can also feel the situation in more general terms. For example, if your loved one has been diagnosed with depression, you can read articles or books about the disease to understand how it works.

Do not turn away. When another person is ill, do not ignore his pain and do not turn away from him. To get started, study this pain. This will allow you to feel more sincere compassion for the person who is experiencing it.
- The suffering of a loved one gives people a lot of inconvenience, so sometimes the easiest way out is for you to simply close your eyes to them. But instead of avoiding discomfort, let him inspire you to take actions that will help eliminate the suffering of a loved one that caused you these feelings of discomfort.
Put yourself in the place of another. Ask yourself how you would feel if you were in his / her place. You may not be able to get a complete picture, but even a slight immersion in the difficult situation of another person can awaken a feeling of deep sympathy in you.
- If you have never been through the same thing, recall a similar experience to try to imagine all the sadness that a person experiences.
- For example, you may not know what it means to lose a wife, parent, child or relative. Therefore, it may be difficult for you to show empathy for the person who survived the death of a loved one. Think about the time when you experienced losses, even if they were not so serious, for example, moving your best friend / girlfriend to another country, breaking up or divorcing, and imagine how you would feel if this feeling of loss would be ten times stronger.
What do you feel deep down. Depending on the circumstances, a suffering person can sometimes be frustrated with you at times when he is especially ill. You should not tolerate such manifestations of insult in your direction, but remember that sometimes this person may not have anything personal in relation to you.
- Remember that the pain of your loved ones lies in themselves, and not in you. If your attempts to calm him / her are unsuccessful, do not be discouraged by this.
- But this, of course, does not mean that in this way you should ignore your own emotional needs. If in response you receive nothing but verbal abuse, you may need to take a step back to maintain the health of your own psyche. If you have to do this, do it without any charge or pain.
Understand the difference between empathy and empathy. Empathy allows you to feel compassion and support the person, while empathy helps you understand and share human misfortune.
- You can empathize without a sense of understanding. If you have never had to go through what your loved one has to face or you are wondering why someone is killing so badly because of an event not so important in your opinion, do not worry about this. You just lack understanding, not sympathy.
- If you cannot understand or feel all the grief that your loved one is experiencing, you can still admit that it exists and grow a desire to support your loved one at this difficult moment of his / her life. As long as you can do this, technically you will show sympathy for the suffering person.
Part 2
How to express compassion
1. Recognize the complexity of the situation. Express your recognition of his / her pain to the other person. You may not understand the whole soreness of the situation, but a simple acknowledgment of the existence of this pain can show your support.
  - In general, almost any phrase expressing support and recognition of an existing misfortune can be helpful. Consider any of the following:
    - “I'm sorry it happened”
    - “I think / pray for you”
    - “All this must be incredibly difficult for you.”
2. Never ease the pain. Understand when it hurts, then it hurts. If we say that the situation is not so painful as to be so upset, then a suffering person can only feel worse.
  - Do not say things like, "I know how you feel." Each person is unhappy in his own way, and speaking as if what a person is experiencing is a trifle can cause a feeling of even greater bitterness in the sufferer and subsequent withdrawal into himself.
  - Similarly, avoid expressions such as: "you will feel better soon" or "this is not a big problem." It may seem to you that you are encouraging the other person to be patient, but by criticizing the pain of another person or putting pressure on him to feel better, you can do more harm than good.
3. Express your support in clear language. Directly express your desire to support someone who is experiencing stress. Do not say what you do not mean, but do not let the other person remain unaware of your sympathy for him / her.
4. Refuse banal phrases. There are times when the only thing you can say will sound nothing more than cliche, and that's fine. On the other hand, in some moments, you need not to abandon these cliches and say something a little more personal.
  Be close. Do not avoid the other person and resist any of his / her attempts to get rid of you. Stay close to another person while he / she has to go through this mess so that he or she can feel your sincerity.
  - However, if your loved one needs to be alone for some time, do not force your company on him or her. Say that you respect his or her desire to be alone with yourself, but before you leave, make sure that the other side knows that you are ready to return as soon as necessary. Also, check periodically just in case, suddenly such a need arose, and your loved one is ashamed or awkward to call you.
5. React. When the sufferer speaks to you, respond to his / her appeal. Do not ignore the cry for help, even if this happens at the wrong time.
  - No matter how it may look from the side, when someone addresses you, this person is looking for a connection. If your loved one does not want to contact you, he or she will remain silent.
  - React as positively as possible. Be sincere and take the necessary time to listen and accept the emotions that your loved one exposes in front of you.
6. Offer specific help. Supporting by deeds is as important as speaking words of support. Instead of offering help in general terms, it would be much better to offer your help in something specific.
  - Avoid common phrases such as “call me if you need anything.” You may be sincere, but vague statements like this suggest that the sufferer needs to contact you, which, for some reason, can sometimes be difficult for her / him.
  - Instead, the best option would be to say something like: “I can look after the children, walk with you, bring you food and so on.” Offer specific help and a few days later, call them and ask when they are comfortable.
  - There are many specific things you can offer as an aid. You can clean the house, cook food, look after the children or offer help in any other ordinary household situation during difficult times. On the other hand, you can also show your support by simply offering to spend time together playing or watching a movie.
  - No matter what you want to do, make sure the other side is open to your help. Do not impose your goodwill on those who would rather spend some time alone with themselves.
7. Use the power of touch. Touch is a powerful tool used to express love and support. If necessary, express support in the form of a hug or a normal touch.
  - Touch uses tangible meaning to express support. Touching a person, you express a comprehensive message of support, both physical and psychological.
  - Expressing compassion for your loved one, you can use the touch in the form of a hug, kiss, pat on the head or squeeze your hand.
  - Expression of sympathy for a friend or relatively stranger, patting on the shoulder will be appropriate. However, any more personal physical contact on your part can make the other side feel uncomfortable.
8. Know your limits. You will probably not be able to fix the problem of another person. Think about what real feasible help you can provide and try not to despair about things that you cannot do for another person.
  - It also means being aware of your emotional limits. Support your loved ones, but do not let your desire to support him or her absorb your own life. If you are completely aware of yourself, you cannot help anyone.

Instruction manual

A very common reason for the lack of sympathy is not the inability to feel it, but the reluctance to look at others. Psychologists always note that couples who have serious problems do not sympathize with each other. In this case, the partner is often perceived from a selfish position. Each partner wants the other to pay attention to him first, to do what is “necessary”. But the one who first pays attention will always win. Of course, attention must be genuine and disinterested, and not in the expectation of a response.

Empathy is an understanding of what the other person is missing. Sometimes it’s enough to take a closer look at others to understand what they need. This allows you to deeply realize the needs of others, to soften any relationship. Especially those who receive the least are usually in need of sympathy: children and the elderly. Empathy is the basis for building deep and trusting relationships with both the child and parents.

Symptoms are often a fear of pain or selfishness. Try to handle it. If you feel that someone around you who is dependent on you needs help, you will have to provide it, even forgetting about your own goals, which previously seemed to be priorities. For example, if you are a business man, then having sympathized with your wife who is waiting for you from work in the evenings, you will try to come home early, although before this a similar requirement seemed absurd.

Sometimes a person is accused of lack of sympathy not at all because he really does not understand those around him, but because he does not express his feelings. You may be worried about someone, but if you do not say so, some people will sometimes find you heartless. Especially often this is experienced by people who are not used to talking about their feelings. Try to be more open with loved ones. If you feel something - tell about it, such a policy will allow you to build trust and get rid of accusations that you do not know how to sympathize.

It’s hard to empathize with what you don’t understand. For example, some young and inexperienced people have great difficulty sympathizing with the elderly. No wonder they say that "a well-fed hungry one does not understand." If you encounter someone's life experience that is very far from yours, try to put yourself in the place of this person. Do not judge harshly, even if someone made a seemingly unforgivable mistake to you. In general, it’s better not to blame anyone. You do not know what you would do yourself if you find yourself in a similar situation. When it’s harder for someone than you, and you understand this difference, you feel the pain of that person — this is called empathy.

Empathy is not only the ability to understand what other people are experiencing. It is also the ability to be attentive, to treat others with tact and courtesy. Try to help people. Create the habit of doing a good deed, for example, once a week. The feelings that will take possession of you when you help someone will help you not only learn how to sympathize, but also become a kinder and more merciful person.

Life does not stand still ... Some come to this world, while others leave it. Faced with the fact that relatives and friends have died, people consider it necessary to support the grieving person, to express his condolences and sympathy to him. Condolences - This is not some special ritual, but a responsive, sympathetic attitude to the experiences, the misfortune of another, expressed in words - either verbally or in writing - and actions. What words to choose, how to behave so as not to offend, not hurt, not cause even more suffering?

The word co-disease speaks for itself. To put it simply, it’s not so much a ritual as “ withroomy disease". Do not be surprised. Indeed, grief is a disease. This is a very serious, painful condition of a person, and it is well known that "shared grief is half grief." Condolence usually comes with empathy ( Co-feeling - sharing feeling, general feeling) From this it is clear that condolences are a sharing of grief with a person, an attempt to take on part of his pain. And in a broader sense, condolences are not only words, presence next to the grieving, but also deeds that are aimed at comforting the grieving.

Condolences are not only oral, addressed directly to the grieving person, but also written, when a person who cannot for any reason express it directly expresses his sympathy in writing.

Condolences are also, in various cases, part of business ethics. Such condolences express organizations, institutions, firms. Condolences are also used in the diplomatic protocol when they are expressed at the official level in interstate relations.

Oral condolences to the grieving

The most common way to express condolences is the oral form. Oral condolences are expressed by relatives, acquaintances, friends, neighbors, co-workers to those who were closer to the deceased through family, friendship, and other ties. Oral condolences are expressed at a personal meeting (most often at a funeral, commemoration).

The first and most important condition for expressing verbal condolences is that it should not be formal, empty, for which there is no work of the soul and sincere sympathy. Otherwise, condolences turn into an empty and formal ritual, which not only does not help the grieving person, but also causes him in many cases additional pain. Unfortunately, in our time this is not a rare case. I must say that people in grief subtly sense a lie that at another time they will not even notice. Therefore, it is very important to express your sympathy as sincerely as possible, and not try to speak empty and deceitful words in which there is no warmth.

How to express my condolences:

To express condolences, the following must be considered:

Do not be shy about your feelings. Do not try to restrain yourself artificially in the manifestation of good feelings for the grieving and in the expression of warm words to the deceased.
Remember that often condolences can be expressed not only in words. If you cannot find the right words, condolences can be expressed by what your heart tells you. In some cases, touching the grieving person is enough. You can (if in this case it is appropriate and ethical) shake or stroke his hand, hug, or even just cry next to the grieving person. This will also be an expression of sympathy and your grief. Condolences may also come in that are not in close relations with the family of the deceased or have little knowledge of him in life. It is enough for them to shake hands with relatives in a graveyard of condolences.
It is very important to express our condolences not only to choose sincere, comforting words, but also to reinforce these words with the offer of feasible help. This is a very important Russian tradition. Compassionate people at all times understood that their words without work can be dead, formal. What are you doing? This is a prayer for the deceased and grieving (you can not only pray yourself, but also submit notes in the church), this is an offer of help with the housework and the organization of the funeral, this is feasible financial assistance (this does not mean at all that you are "buying off"), as well as many different types of help. Cases will not only reinforce your words, but also make life easier for the grieving, and also allow you to do a good deed.

Therefore, when you say condolences, do not hesitate to ask how you can help the grieving person, what you can do for him. This will give your condolences weight, sincerity.

How to find the right words for condolences

Finding the right, sincere, exact, words of condolences that would reflect your sympathy is also not always easy. How to pick them up? There are rules for this:

People at all times, before saying words of condolences, prayed. This is very important, because it is so difficult to find the kind words necessary in this situation. And prayer calms us, draws our attention to God, whom we ask for the repose of the deceased, for the granting of comfort to his relatives. In prayer, in any case, we find certain sincere words, some of which we can later say in condolences. We highly recommend you to pray before you go to express condolences. You can pray anywhere, it will not take much time and effort, it will not cause harm, but it will bring a huge amount of benefit.

In addition, often we have resentment, both on that person to whom we will offer condolences, and on the deceased himself. It is these grievances and understatements that often prevent us from saying words of comfort.

So that this does not bother us, it is necessary to forgive in prayer those whom you are offended by, and then the necessary words will come themselves.

Before you say a word of comfort to a person, it is better to think about your attitude to the deceased.

In order for the right words of condolences to come, it would be good to recall the life of the deceased, the good that the deceased did for you, to remember what he taught you, the joys that he brought to you during his life. You can recall the story and the most important moments of his life. After that, it will be much easier to find the necessary, sincere words for condolences.

Before expressing sympathy, it is very important to think about how that person (or those people) to whom you are going to express condolences feel now.

Think about their experiences, about the degree of their loss, about their current state at the moment, the history of the development of their relationship. If you do this, then the right words will come by themselves. You just have to tell them.

It is important to note that even if a person to whom condolences is addressed had a conflict with the deceased, if they had a difficult relationship, betrayal, this should in no way affect your attitude to the grieving person. You cannot know the degree of remorse (present and future) of this person or people.

Expression of condolences is not only a division of sorrow, but also a necessary reconciliation. When a person speaks in sympathy, it is entirely appropriate to sincerely briefly apologize for what you consider yourself guilty of before the deceased or a person to whom you express condolences.

Examples of oral condolences

Here are some examples of oral condolences. We want to emphasize that these are EXAMPLES. Do not use exclusively ready-made stamps, as the person to whom you convey condolences needs not so much the right words as sympathy, sincerity and honesty.

He meant a lot to me and to you, I grieve with you.
May it be a consolation to us that he has given so much love and warmth. We will pray for him.
There are no words to express you sorrow. She meant a lot in your and my life. Never forget…
It’s very hard to lose such a dear person. I share your grief. How can I help you? You can always count on me.
Very sorry, accept my condolences. If I can do something for you, I will be very glad. I would like to offer my help. I would love to help you ...
Unfortunately, in this imperfect world, one has to endure this. He was the bright man we loved. I will not leave you in your grief. You can count on me at any moment.
This tragedy affected everyone who knew her. You, of course, are now the hardest. I want to assure you that I will never leave you. And I will never forget her. Please, let's go this way together.
Unfortunately, I only now realized how unworthy my wrangles and quarrels with this bright and dear to me man were. Excuse me! I grieve with you.
This is a huge loss. And a terrible tragedy. I pray and will always pray for you and for him.
It’s hard to put into words how much good he has done to me. All our differences are dust. And what he did for me, I will carry through my whole life. I pray for him and mourn with you. I will be happy to help you anytime.

I would like to emphasize that in expressing condolences one should do without pomp, pathos, theatricality.

What not to say when expressing condolences

Let's talk about the common mistakes made by those who try to somehow support the mourner, but in fact run the risk of causing him even more suffering.

All that will be said below applies only to the expression of CONDOLENCY for PEOPLE EXPERIENCING THE MOST ACUTE, SHOCKING stage of grief, which usually begins on the first day and can end on 9-40 days of loss (if grief is normal). ALL TIPS IN THIS ARTICLE A DANA WITH A CALCULATION EXACTLY ON SUCH BURNERS.

As we have said, the most important thing is that condolences are not formal. We must try not to speak (not write) insincere, common words. In addition, it is very important that empty, banal, meaningless and tactless phrases should not sound when expressing condolences. It is important to note that trying in any way to console a person who has lost a loved one, gross mistakes are made that not only do not console, but can also be a source of misunderstanding, aggression, resentment, disappointment from the grieving person. This is because a psychologically grieving person in a shock stage of grief experiences, perceives and feels everything differently. That is why it is better not to make mistakes in expressing condolences.

Here are examples of frequently used phrases that, according to experts, it is not recommended to speak when expressing condolences to a person who is in the acute phase of grief:

You can not "console" the future

"Time will pass, still give birth"(If the child died)," You are beautiful, then still get married"(If the husband died), etc. - This is a completely tactless statement for the grieving. He had not yet mourned, had not experienced a real loss. Usually at this time he is not interested in prospects, he is experiencing the pain of a real loss. And so far he cannot see the future that he is being told about. For this reason, such “consolation” from a person who may think that he thus gives hope to a grieving person is actually tactless and terribly stupid.

« Do not Cry, everything will pass ”- people who pronounce similar words“ sympathy ”give completely wrong attitudes to the grieving person. In turn, such installations make it impossible for a grieving person to react to his emotions, to hide pain and tears. The grieving person, thanks to these attitudes, may start (or establish himself) to think that crying is bad. This can be extremely difficult to affect both the psycho-emotional, somatic state of the grieving person, and the entire life of the crisis. Usually, the words “don’t cry, you need to cry less,” say those people who do not understand the feelings of the mourner. This most often happens because the “sympathizers” themselves are hurt by the crying of the grieving person, and they, trying to get away from this injury, give such advice.

Naturally, if a person constantly cries for more than a year, then this is an occasion to contact a specialist, but if the grieving person expresses his grief several months after the loss, then this is absolutely normal.

"Do not worry, everything will be fine"Is another rather empty statement that the condolences sees as optimistic and even as giving hope to the mourner. It must be understood that a person who experiences grief takes this statement in a completely different way. He does not see good so far, he does not strive for it. At the moment, it is not very important to him what will happen next. He had not yet accepted the loss, had not mourned it, had not begun to build a new life without a dear person. And because of this, such empty optimism will irritate him rather than help.

« Bad of course, but time heals"- Another commonplace phrase that neither the grieving nor the person who pronounces it can understand. God can heal the soul, prayer, good deeds, works of mercy and alms, but time can not heal! Over time, a person can adapt, get used to it. In any case, it makes no sense to say this to the mourner, when the time has stopped for him, the pain is still too acute, he is still experiencing the loss, does not make plans for the future, he does not yet believe that something can be changed over time. It seems to him that this will always be so now. That is why such a phrase causes negative feelings for the speaker.

Here is a metaphor: for example, a child is hit hard, suffers severe pain, cries, and he is told "It’s bad that you hit, but let it console you that it will heal before the wedding." Do you think this will calm the child or cause other, bad feelings towards you?

When expressing condolences, it is impossible to pronounce wishes to the mournful, which are oriented to the future. For example, “I wish to get to work faster”, “I hope that you will soon regain your health”, “I wish you to recover faster after such a tragedy”, etc. Firstly, these wishes, which are oriented towards the future, are not condolences. Therefore, they should not be given as such. And secondly, these wishes are oriented towards the future, which, in a state of acute grief, a person still does not see. This means that these phrases will go away, at best, into the void. But it is possible that the grieving person will perceive this as your call to him to end his grief, which he simply cannot physically do in this phase of grief. This can cause negative reactions on the part of the grieving person.

You can not find positive elements in the tragedy and discount the loss

The rationalization of the positive aspects of death, the suggestion of positive conclusions from loss, the depreciation of loss by finding a certain benefit for the deceased, or something good in the loss - most often also does not console the grieving. The bitterness of loss from this does not become less, a person perceives what happened as a disaster

“So he is better. He was sick and exhausted. " - Such words should be avoided. This can cause rejection and even aggression from a person who is experiencing grief. Even if the grieving person acknowledges the truth of this statement, the pain of loss often does not become easier for him. He still experiences a sense of loss acutely, painfully. In addition, in some cases, this can provoke a grievance offense at the departed - "You are good now, you are not suffering, but I feel bad." Such thoughts in the subsequent living of grief can be a source of guilt in a grieving person.

Often when expressing condolences, such statements also sound: “It’s good even though the mother didn’t suffer”, “It’s hard, but you still have children.” They should not be told to the grieving either. The arguments presented in such statements are also not able to reduce a person’s pain from loss. He, of course, understands that everything could be worse, that he did not lose everything, but this cannot be comforting. A mother cannot replace a dead father, and a second child cannot replace the first.

Everyone knows that it is impossible to console a fire victim with the fact that his house burned down, but the car remained. Or the fact that he was diagnosed with diabetes, but at least not in the most terrible form.

“Hold on, for others are worse than you” (it’s even worse, you’re not the only one how much evil is around - many suffer, you have a husband, and their children have died, etc.) is also a fairly common case in which the condolender tries to compare the grieving with “ who is even worse. " At the same time, he expects that the grieving person from this comparison will understand that his loss is not the worst, which is even harder, and thus the pain from the loss will decrease.

This is not a valid trick. It is impossible to compare the experience of grief with the experience of grief of other people. Firstly, for a normal person, if everyone around is not happy, this does not improve, but rather worsens the condition of a person. Secondly, a grieving person cannot compare himself with others. Him while his grief - the most bitter. Therefore, such comparisons are more likely to do harm than good.

You can not look for the "extreme"

In expressing condolences, one cannot speak and mention that death could have been prevented in any way. For example, “Eh, if we sent him to the doctor”, “why we didn’t pay attention to the symptoms”, “if you hadn’t left, then perhaps it wouldn’t happen”, “if you would have listened”, “if we wouldn’t let him go ”, etc.

Such statements (usually incorrect), cause in a person who is already experiencing so much additional sense of guilt, which will then very badly affect his psychological state. This is a very common mistake that arises from our usual desire to find the "guilty", the "extreme" in death. In this case, we “make ourselves guilty” of ourselves and that person to whom condolences are brought.

Another attempt to find an “extreme” one, and not express sympathy, is completely inappropriate when expressing condolences: “We hope that the police will find the killer, he will be punished”, “this driver should be killed (put on trial)”, “these terrible doctors must be judged. ” These statements (rightly or unfairly) lay the blame on someone else, are the condemnation of another. But the appointment of the guilty, the solidarity in the unkind feelings for him, in no way can mitigate the pain of loss. The punishment of the perpetrator of death cannot bring the victim back to life. Moreover, such statements introduce the grieving person into a state of strong aggression against the dear person guilty of death. But grief experts know that a grieving person can turn aggression on a guilty person at any moment by himself, than make himself worse. So you should not pronounce such phrases, kindling a fire of hatred, condemnation, aggression. It is better to talk only about sympathy for the grieving, or about the attitude to the deceased.

“God gave - God took” - Another frequently used “consolation”, which in fact does not console at all, but simply transfers the “guilt” for the death of a person to God. It should be understood that the person who is in the acute stage of grief is least concerned about the question of who took the person from his life. The suffering in this acute phase will not be easier because God took it, and not the other. But the most dangerous thing is that by proposing thus to shift the blame on God, one can provoke aggression in a person, not good feelings for God.

And this happens at a time when the salvation of the grieving person himself, and the soul of the deceased, is just an appeal to God in prayer. And it is obvious that in this way additional difficulties appear for this, if you consider God “guilty”. Therefore, the stamp "God gave - God took", "Everything is in the hands of God" is better not to use. The only exception is such condolences addressed to a deeply religious person who understands what humility is, God's providence, who lives a spiritual life. For such people, mention of this can really be a consolation.

“It happened for his sins,” “you know, he drank a lot,” “unfortunately, he was a drug addict, and they always end up like that” - sometimes people who express condolences try to find the “extreme” and “guilty” even in certain actions, behavior, lifestyle of the deceased. Unfortunately, in such cases, the desire to find the culprit begins to prevail over reason and elementary ethics. Needless to say, reminding the grieving person about the shortcomings of the person who died does not console him, but on the contrary makes the loss even more tragic, develops a guilty feeling in the grieve, and causes additional pain. In addition, the person who expresses “condolences” in this way does not deserve to put himself in the role of a judge who not only knows the reason, but also has the right to condemn the deceased, linking certain reasons to the investigation. This characterizes the condolences as ill-mannered, thinking a lot about himself, stupid. And it would be good for him to know that, despite the fact that a person accomplished in his life, only one God has the right to judge him.

I would like to emphasize that “consolation” by condemnation and assessment is categorically unacceptable in expressing condolences. In order to prevent such tactless "condolences", it is necessary to remember the well-known rule "About the dead or good, or nothing."

Other common mistakes in expressing condolences

Often condolently say the phrase “I know how difficult it is for you, I understand you” This is the most common mistake. When you say that you understand the feelings of another, this is not true. Even if you had similar situations, and you think that you experienced the same feelings, then you are mistaken. Each feeling is individual, each person experiences and feels in his own way. No one can understand the physical pain of another, except the one who is experiencing it. And everyone’s soul hurts especially too. Do not say such phrases about the knowledge and understanding of the pain of the grieving, even if you experienced this. You must not compare feelings. You cannot feel the same as him. Be considerate. Respect the feeling of another person. It’s better to limit myself to the words “I can only guess how bad you are,” “I see how you grieve”

Categorically not recommended when expressing sympathy tactlessly interested in details “And how did this happen?” “And where did this happen?”, “And what did he say before his death?”. This is no longer an expression of condolences, but a curiosity that is not at all appropriate. Such questions can be asked if you know that the grieving person wants to talk about it, if this does not harm him (but this, of course, does not mean that it is impossible to talk about the loss).

It happens that with condolences, people begin to talk about the severity of their condition, in the hope that these words will make it easier to survive the grief of the mourner - "You know that I feel bad too," "When my mother died, I also almost went crazy "," Me too, like you. I feel very bad, my father also died ”, etc. Sometimes this can really help, especially if the grieving person is very close to you, if your words are sincere, and the desire to help him is great. But in most cases, talking about your grief in order to show your sadness is not worth it. Thus, the multiplication of sorrow and pain can occur, mutual induction, which not only does not improve, it can also worsen the condition. As we have already said, for a person, one consolation is that the other is also bad.

Often condolences are expressed in phrases that are more like appeals - “ We must live for the sake of ”,“ You must endure ”,“ You must not ”,“ you need, you must do ”. Such appeals, of course, are not condolences or sympathy. This is a legacy of the Soviet era, when the call was almost the only understandable form of appeal to the person. Such appeals to a debt for a person who is in dire grief are most often ineffective and usually cause him misunderstanding and irritation. A person who feels in grief simply cannot understand why he owes something. He is in the depths of experience, and he is also obligated to something. This is perceived as violence, and convinces us that they do not understand it.

Of course, it is possible that the meaning of these calls is correct. But in this case, you should not say these words in the form of condolences, but it is better to discuss this later in a calm atmosphere, to convey this idea when a person can understand the meaning of what was said.

Sometimes people try to express sympathy in verse. This gives condolences pomp, insincerity and pretense, and at the same time does not contribute to the achievement of the main goal - the expression of sympathy, the separation of grief. On the contrary, this gives the expression of condolences a shade of theatricality and play.

So if your sincere feelings of compassion and love do not put on a beautiful perfect poetic form, then leave this genre for a better time.

Well-known grief psychologist A.D. Wolfelt gives the following recommendations for what you CAN’t do when dealing with a person who is experiencing acute grief

You can not regard a grieving person’s refusal to talk or offer help as a personal attack against you or against your relationship with him. It must be understood that the grieving person at this stage cannot always correctly assess the situation, can be inattentive, passive, be in a state of feelings that are very difficult to evaluate for another person. Therefore, do not draw conclusions from the failures of such a person. Be merciful to him. Wait for it to bounce back.

It is impossible to distance oneself from a person, depriving him of his support, to ignore him.A grieving person can perceive this as your unwillingness to communicate, as a rejection of him or a negative change in attitude towards him. Therefore, if you are scared, if you are afraid to be imposed, if you are modest, then consider these features of the grieving person. Do not ignore him, but come and explain to him.

You can not be afraid of intense emotions and leave the situation.Often sympathetic people are scared by the strong emotions of those who grieve, as well as the atmosphere that develops around them. But, despite this, you can’t show that you are scared and distance yourself from these people. They may also be misunderstood.

Do not try to talk with the grieving, without affecting their feelings. A person who is experiencing acute grief is in the grip of strong feelings. Attempts to speak very correct words, to appeal to logic, in most cases will not have a result. This is because at the moment the grieving person cannot reason logically, ignoring his feelings. If you talk to a person without affecting his feelings, then it will be like talking in different languages.

Do not use force (squeeze in a hug, grab hold of hands). Sometimes condolences involved in grief can lose control of themselves. I would like to say that, in spite of strong feelings and emotions, it is necessary to maintain control over oneself in behavior with a grieving person. Strong manifestations of emotions, squeezing in a hug.

Condolences: Etiquette and Rules

Ethical rules state that “often the death of a loved one is notified not only to relatives and close friends, who usually participate in funerals and commemoration, but also comrades and just distant acquaintances. The question of how to express condolences - to participate in a funeral or to visit the relatives of the deceased - depends on your ability to participate in mourning ceremonies, as well as on the degree of your closeness to the deceased and his family.

If the mourning message is sent in writing, then the person who received it should personally participate in the funeral, visit the grieving family in order to express condolences in person, to be with the grieving people, to offer help, to console.

But people who were not at the mourning ceremonies should also express their condolences. Based on tradition, a condolence visit should be made within two weeks, but not in the very first days after the funeral. When going to a funeral or a condolence visit, you should wear a dark dress or suit. Sometimes they simply put on a dark coat over a light dress, but this is not supposed to be done. It is not customary at the visit of condolences to discuss any other issues not related to death, tactlessly speak on abstract topics, recalling funny stories, or discuss official problems. If you happen to visit this house again, but for a different reason, do not turn your visit into a reiteration of condolences. On the contrary, if it is appropriate, next time try to amuse your relatives with your conversation, take them away from sad thoughts about the transferred grief, and you will facilitate their return to the mainstream of everyday life. If a person cannot for any reason make a personal visit, then you need to send a written condolences, a telegram, an e-mail or an SMS message ”

Written expression of condolences

As condolences were expressed in letters. A brief excursion into history

What is the story of condolences? How did our ancestors do this? Let us dwell on this issue in more detail. Here is what Dmitry Evsikov, the applicant for the topic “Worldview Aspects of Life,” writes:

“In the epistolary culture of Russia of the 17th-19th centuries there were letters of comfort, or letters of comfort. In the archives of the Russian tsars, the nobility, you can find samples of comforting letters written to the relatives of the deceased. Writing letters of condolences (consolation) was an integral part of generally accepted etiquette, along with letters of letter of amorous, amorous, instructive, imperative. Letters of condolence were one of the sources of many historical facts, including chronological information on the causes and circumstances of the death of people. In the XVII century, correspondence was the prerogative of kings and tsarist officials. Letters of condolence, comforting letters related to official documents, although there are personal messages in response to events related to the death of loved ones. Here is what the historian writes about Tsar Alexei Mikhailovich Romanov (second half of the 17th century).
“The ability to enter into the position of others, to understand and take to heart their grief and joy was one of the best features in the character of the king. It is necessary to read his comforting letters to Prince. Nick. Odoevsky on the occasion of the death of his son and to Ordin-Nashchokin regarding the escape of his son abroad - you need to read these sincere letters to see the height of delicacy and moral sensitivity that even an unstable person could raise this ability to penetrate with other people's grief. In 1652, the son of Prince Nick. Odoevsky, who then served as governor in Kazan, died of fever almost in front of the tsar. The king wrote to the old father to console him, and, by the way, wrote: “And you, our boyar, should not grieve through measure, but you should not, so as not to grieve and not cry, and you should cry, only in moderation so that God don't get angry. " The author of the letter did not limit himself to a detailed account of an unexpected death and a plentiful stream of comforts to his father; Having finished the letter, he could not bear it, he still attributed: “Prince Nikita Ivanovich! Do not grieve, but trust in God and be reliable in us. ” (Klyuchevsky V. O. The course of Russian history. Tsar Alexei Mikhailovich Romanov (from lecture 58)).

In the XVIII-XIX centuries, epistolary culture was an integral part of everyday noble life. In the absence of alternative forms of communication, writing was not only a means of transmitting information, but also expressing feelings, emotions, evaluations, as in direct face-to-face communication. Letters of that time were very similar to a confidential conversation, based on the speech turns and emotional colors inherent in oral conversation, they reflected the personality, emotional state of the writer. Correspondence allows you to judge the ideas and values, psychology and attitude, behavior and lifestyle, social circle and interests of the writer, the main stages of his life.

Among the letters related to the fact of death, there are 3 main groups.
The first group is letters announcing the death of a loved one. They were sent to the relatives and friends of the deceased. Unlike later letters, messages of that time were more an emotional assessment of the death event than a carrier of factual information, an invitation to a funeral.
The second group is actually consolation letters. They were often a response to a notification letter. But even if the mourner did not send a letter of news of the death of his relative, the letter of comfort was an indispensable symbol of mourning and the generally accepted ceremony of remembrance of the deceased.
The third group is written responses to comforting letters, which were also an integral part of written communication and mourning etiquette.

In the XVIII century, historians note a significant weakening in Russian society of interest in the topic of death. The phenomenon of death, associated primarily with religious beliefs, has faded into secular society. The theme of death, to some extent, has become a taboo. Along with this, the culture of condolences and sympathy has also been lost; a void has formed in this area. Of course, this affected the epistolary culture of society. Consolation letters passed into the category of formal etiquette, but did not completely leave the communicative culture. In the eighteenth and nineteenth centuries, so-called “Writers” began to be published to help people writing on a difficult topic. These were guides for writing official and private letters, giving advice on how to write, draw up a letter in accordance with generally accepted canons and rules, provided samples of letters, phrases and expressions in relation to various life situations, including deaths, expressions of condolences. “Consolation letters” is one of the sections of the scribes that gave advice on how to support the grieving person and express their feelings in a socially acceptable form. The letters of comfort were distinguished by a special style, full of sentimentality and sensual expressions, designed to alleviate the suffering of the grieving, to console his pain from loss. According to etiquette, receiving a comforting letter necessarily required the recipient to write a response.
Here is an example of recommendations for writing comforting letters in one of the eighteenth-century scribes, "The General Secretary, or the new full scribe." (Printing house of A. Reshetnikov, 1793)
Letters of comfort “In this sort of letter, the heart should be moved and speak one thing, without the help of the mind. ... From any decent greeting, you can fire yourself, besides this, and there is no laudable habit of comforting each other in sorrows. Fate only inflicts misfortunes on us that we would have been inhumane if we had not given one another such relief. When the person to whom we write, surrenders to her sorrow with excess, then instead of suddenly holding the first tears, we must mix our own; let's talk about the dignity of a friend or relative of the deceased. In some kind of letters, one can use the traits of moralizing and pious feelings, depending on the age, morals and condition of the writer to whom they write. But when we write to such persons, who should be more happy than sad about someone’s death, it’s better to leave such vivid representations. I admit that it is not allowed to adjust to the secret feelings of their heart in an open way: decency forbids this; prudence in such cases requires both to spread and leave great condolences. In other cases, it is possible to talk more broadly about disasters inseparable from the human condition. Generally say: each of us what misfortunes does not endure in this life? Property makes labor from morning to evening; wealth plunges into extreme torment and anxiety all who want to collect and preserve it. And there is nothing more ordinary than seeing tears pouring about the death of a relative or friend. ”

And so there were samples of comforting letters cited as examples for writing.
“My sovereign! Not in order to appease you from your complaint, I have the honor to write this letter to you, for your sadness is very correct, but to offer you my services, and everything that depends on me, or better to say, to mourn with you all the death of your dear spouse. He was a friend to me and proved his friendship with countless good deeds. Well, judge sovereign, do you have any reason to regret it and attach my tears to your tears of our common sorrow. Nothing can console my regret, except perfect submission to God's will. My Christian death approves me, assuring me of the bliss of his soul, and your piety gives me hope that you will be of my opinion. And although your separation from him is cruel, you must be comforted by his heavenly well-being and prefer it to your local short-term pleasure. Honor it with eternal content in your memory, imagining its virtues and the love that it has for you in his life. Amuse yourself with the upbringing of your children, in whom you see him revived. If there are sometimes tears to shed on it, then believe that I pay with you about it, and all honest people report their pity with you, between which he gained love and respect, so that he never remembers them He will not die, but most importantly in mine; because I am with special zeal and reverence, my sovereign! Your…"

The tradition of condolences has not died in our time, when the culture of attitudes towards death is by all indications similar to past centuries. Today, as before, we can observe the absence in society of a culture of dealing with death, an open discussion of the phenomenon of death and the culture of burial. The awkwardness experienced in relation to the very fact of death, expression of sympathy, condolences transfer the topic of death to the category of undesirable, uncomfortable aspects of everyday life. Expression of condolences is more an element of etiquette than a sincere need for empathy. Probably, for this reason, “scribes” exist even now, giving recommendations, like, what, in what cases, with what words to speak and write about death and sympathy. By the way, the name of such publications has not changed. They are still called “scribes.”

Examples of letters of condolence for the death of various persons

About the death of the spouse

Dear …

We deeply grieve over death .... She was a wonderful woman and surprised many with her generosity and good disposition. We miss her very much and can only guess what a blow her departure was for you. We remember how she once .... She involved us in doing good, and thanks to her we became better. ... was a model of mercy and tact. We are happy that we knew her.

About the death of a parent

Dear …

... Despite the fact that I have never met your father, I know how much he meant to you. Thanks to your stories about his thrift, love of life and how anxiously he cared for you, it seems to me that I knew him. I think many will miss him. When my father died, I found solace in talking with other people about him. I would be very happy if you shared the memories of your dad. I think of you and your family.

About the death of a child

... We deeply regret the death of your dear daughter. We would like to find words to somehow alleviate your pain, but it is hard to imagine if there are such words at all. Losing a child is the worst grief. Please accept my sincere condolences. We pray for you.

About the death of a colleague

Example 1I was deeply saddened by the news of death (name) and I want to express my sincere sympathy to you and other employees of your company. My colleagues share my deep regret for his / her demise.

Example 2 With deep regret, I found out about the death of the president of your institution, Mr. ..., who faithfully served the interests of your organization for many years. Our director asked me to convey my condolences to you about the loss of such a talented organizer.

Example 3 I would like to express to you our deepest feelings regarding the death of Ms. .... Her dedication to her work earned her the respect and love of all who knew her. Please accept our sincere condolences.

Example 4 We were deeply saddened to hear yesterday about the death of Mr. ...

Example 5 It was a shock to us that the sudden death of Mr. ...

Example 6 It is difficult for us to believe the sad news of the death of Mr. ...

And which ones are not worth it? the site will tell you how to provide moral support to a person in a difficult situation.

Grief is a person’s reaction that occurs as a result of any loss, for example, after the death of a loved one.

4 stages of experiencing grief

A person experiencing grief goes through 4 stages:

Shock phase. Lasts from a few seconds to several weeks. It is characterized by disbelief in everything that happens, insensibility, low mobility with periods of hyperactivity, loss of appetite, and problems with sleep.
Phase of suffering. Lasts from 6 to 7 weeks. It is characterized by weakened attention, inability to concentrate, impaired memory, sleep. Also, a person experiences constant anxiety, a desire to retire, lethargy. Stomach pain and a sensation of a lump in the throat may occur. If a person experiences the death of a loved one, then during this period he can idealize the deceased or, on the contrary, feel anger, rage, irritation or guilt towards him.
Adoption phase ends a year after the loss of a loved one. It is characterized by the restoration of sleep and appetite, the ability to plan their activities taking into account the loss. Sometimes a person still continues to suffer, but seizures happen less and less.
Recovery phase begins a year and a half later, grief is replaced by sadness and a person begins to take a calmer attitude towards loss.

Do I need to console a person? Sure, yes. If the victim is not helped, then this can lead to infectious, heart diseases, alcoholism, accidents, and depression. Psychological help is priceless, so support your loved one as you can. Interact with him, communicate. Even if it seems to you that a person is not listening to you or does not show attention, do not worry. The time will come, and he will gratefully recall you.

Should unfamiliar people be comforted? If you feel enough moral strength and desire to help, do it. If a person does not push you away, does not run away, does not shout, it means that you are doing everything right. If you are not sure that you can comfort the victim, find someone who can do this.

Is there any difference in the comfort of acquaintances and unfamiliar people? In fact, no. The only difference is that one person you know more, the other less. Once again, if you feel the strength in yourself, then help. Stay close, talk, engage in common activities. Do not be greedy for help, it is never superfluous.

So, we will consider methods of psychological support in the two most difficult stages of experiencing grief.

Shock phase

Your behavior:

Do not leave a person alone with you.
Unobtrusively touch the victim. You can take it by the hand, put your hand on the shoulder, relatives can be stroked on the head, hug. Watch the reaction of the victim. Does it accept your touch, does it repel it? If it repels, do not force yourself, but do not leave.
Make sure that the comforted person rests more, does not forget about meals.
Engage the victim in uncomplicated activities, such as some kind of funeral arrangement work.
Listen actively. A person can say strange things, repeat, lose the thread of the story, now and then return to emotional experiences. Give up tips and tricks. Listen carefully, ask clarifying questions, talk about how you understand him. Help the victim simply speak out their feelings and pain - he will immediately feel better.

Your words:

Talk about the past tense.
If you know the deceased, tell us something good about him.

You can not say:

“One cannot recover from such a loss”, “Only time heals”, “You are strong, be strong”. These phrases can cause additional suffering to a person and increase his loneliness.
“To the whole will of God” (helps only deeply religious people), “Unleashed”, “He will be better there”, “Forget about it”. Such phrases can seriously injure the victim, because they sound like a hint to temper your feelings, not to experience them, or even forget about your grief.
"You are young, beautiful, you will still marry / give birth to a child." Such phrases can cause irritation. A person experiences a loss in the present; he has not yet recovered from it. And they offer him a dream.
“Now, if the ambulance arrived on time,” “Now, if the doctors paid more attention to her,” “Now, if I hadn’t let him go.” These phrases are empty and do not carry any good in themselves. Firstly, history does not tolerate the subjunctive mood, and secondly, such expressions only increase the bitterness of loss.

Phase of suffering

Your behavior:

In this phase, the victim can already be given the opportunity to be alone from time to time.
Give the victim more water. He should drink up to 2 liters per day.
Organize physical activity for him. For example, take him for a walk, do physical housework.
If the victim wants to cry, do not stop him from doing this. Help him cry. Do not hold back your emotions - cry with him.
If you are angry - do not bother.

Your words:

How to console a person: the right words

If your ward wants to talk about the dead, bring the conversation into the realm of feelings: “You are very sad / lonely”, “You are very confused”, “You cannot describe your feelings.” Tell us how you feel.
Say that this suffering is not forever. And loss is not a punishment, but part of life.
Do not avoid talking about the dead if there are people in the room who are extremely experiencing this loss. The tactful avoidance of these topics hurts more than the mention of the tragedy.

You can not say:

“Stop crying, pull yourself together”, “Stop suffering, everything has passed” - this is tactless and harmful to psychological health.
"And someone is worse than you." Such topics can help in a situation of divorce, separation, but not the death of a loved one. You cannot compare the grief of one person with the grief of another. Conversations leading to comparisons can give people the impression that you don't give a damn about his feelings.

There is no point in telling the victim: “If you need help, contact / call me” or ask him “How can I help you?” A person experiencing grief may simply not have the strength to pick up the phone, call and ask for help. He may also forget about your offer.

To prevent this from happening, come and sit with him. As soon as the grief subsides a little - take him for a walk, take him to the store or to the cinema. Sometimes this should be done by force. Do not be afraid to seem intrusive. Time will pass and he will appreciate your help.

How to support a person if you are far away?

Call him. If he doesn’t answer, leave a message on the answering machine, write sms or e-mail. Express your condolences, communicate your feelings, share memories that characterize the departed from the brightest sides.

Remember that helping a person to survive grief is necessary, especially if it is a person close to you. In addition, this will help to survive the loss not only to him. If the loss has affected you, helping another, you yourself will be able to survive the grief easier, with less loss for your own mental state. And also it will relieve you of guilt - you will not reproach yourself for what you could help, but did not, dismissing other people's troubles and problems.