If you don’t want to communicate with you. Problems of modern communication

What to do if you do not want to communicate with a person?

An unpleasant person has wound up in your environment: he makes you angry and nervous. You do not want to communicate with him, but still maintain a relationship. Why? And what to do with it?

Afraid of condemnation
You are not 15 years old, but the feeling that a loved one (parents, grandmother, older brother) makes your life unbearable, does not let go. All your attempts to establish communication have failed. It doesn’t matter why: maybe this same relative is just an emotional rapist and doesn’t want to agree, but wants to ruin your life. Or just a bad character and a difficult fate for a person, and you cry at night into the pillow, trying to understand what you are to blame for. The important thing is that you would be much happier, interrupting or reducing communication to a minimum. However, the fear of condemnation erases all the arguments of reason. After all, since childhood we have heard that swearing with relatives is bad. Because there is nothing more important than family, and friends and others like them come and go. In the end, what will people think?

What to do:
“In such cases, it is about observing personal boundaries,” says Marina Travkova, a family psychotherapist. - You can run away from your relatives for distant lands, but the tension will still remain. Therefore, first you need to hear yourself, not closing your eyes to your own discomfort, and, finally, choose who is dearer to you: you or all those people who “say something”.
It’s impossible to like everything, so a person who sets himself a similar task is trapped. Such a lifestyle deprives joy, strength and health. It arises, as a rule, where a person from childhood was taught to be "as it should be" and suggested that "not so, wrong, no one needs him." Remind yourself that you are no longer a helpless baby. It is mortally scary for a child to get the rejection of those whom he loves and on whom he depends. But you grew up. And if someone is upset by your behavior, then most likely neither you, nor upset by this, will die. Gently but confidently explain that you are, of course, relatives, but this situation no longer suits you. Get ready for resistance - usually the behavior “you can endure me anyway” is very pleasant to the one who practices it, and so your loved one will not refuse it. You still can’t be good for everyone, but in this situation, someone should be indifferent to you, and this someone, most likely, is yourself. ”

Need to communicate
This is generally the most popular excuse for those who suffer both a despotic husband and a rude neighbor. There is a sea of \u200b\u200bvarious “musts” that are carried out without thinking about who needs it and, in fact, for what. It is imperative to get married, build a dizzying career, travel around the world. One of these “musts" is the all-time friendship with newly made relatives and “friends of friends”, as well as with their other halves. The usual neutral-respectful attitude and polite conversations with rare meetings are not suitable. It is friendship. And it doesn’t matter that we choose husbands and friends according to their common interests, mutual sympathy and other compatibility, while all the rest are included, as they are. And mutual love may not work out. Or there will be mutual dislike. Simply put, you are not ready to want to be related to them, but you continue to make a good face in a bad game, supporting yourself with the arguments: “we are one family”, “I raised this way” and “everyone does it”.

What to do:
“If you dig deeply,” says the psychologist Marina Vershkova, “the“ so necessary ”program has been pre-installed for us since childhood. This behavior was characteristic of the generation of our grandmothers and mothers, and we inherited. And if you look at the surface, then this is the most common attempt to take control of the opinions of others about you. You are selflessly friends with the closest associates of a person dear to you, in this way trying to say: "I'm good, I'm doing everything right." But try to listen to your desires and determine which way of communicating with these people suits you best. Do not be afraid to dream up, to lose yourself this way and to trace what emotions and feelings it will cause in you.
However, one should not deceive oneself: if a certain “I don’t want” is revealed, he will have to be legalized, that is, at least admit it to himself. Thus, it will be easier to understand that you do not need such communication. ”

Your rights
For all those who like to suffer guilty feelings, it is useful to keep at hand the "Rights of a Confident Person" (from the Bill on the Psychological Rights of the Person - an unofficial document developed by the American Psychological Association).

Each person has the right to evaluate his own behavior, thoughts, feelings and be responsible for them.

Everyone has the right not to make excuses and not to explain their actions to others.

Everyone has the right to refuse to respond to a request without feeling guilty, and decide whether he wants to take responsibility for solving other people's problems.

Everyone has the right to change their decisions.

Everyone has the right to ignorance, to make illogical decisions, not to be perfect.

Afraid to offend
Perhaps you yourself do not want to gently make friends with distant relatives and husbands of friends, but others expect this from you. Those whom you really love and do not want to offend. For example, your man. You put a lot of effort, trying to be good for everyone, but in the end you are constantly nervous and you are offended by it yourself because a loved one does not understand you, does not see how bad you are in the presence of his mother. Such a situation may well end in a ruined relationship, for the good of which you tried so hard. Some call it female wisdom, which, however, is customary to cover up anything, from fear to change your life for the better and ending with outright stupidity.

What to do:
Marianna Volkova, a practicing psychologist, specialist in family and individual psychology, advises: “Understand that all your“ victims ”in the name of general peace are absolutely in vain. While you suffer in silence, those around you are sure that everything is in order, and if one day you try to present your suffering as a feat for the sake of your beloved, you will most likely not be understood. Agree, it’s strange to do what you don’t want, and still be silent.
Sooner or later, you just explode and throw out everything that has accumulated over a long time, without controlling emotions. At the same time, the truth will not be on your side: if you had not shown discontent before, then everything suited you. And suddenly - an unexpected scene. As a result, you risk being known as an unbalanced hysterical.
The best way out is a direct conversation, but based not on the personality of an unpleasant person, but on your own feelings and emotions. A compromise can always be found, but any compromise begins with a frank conversation. ” It is possible that the one you are so afraid of offending will really try to be offended. If a loved one stubbornly refuses to listen to you and your desires, it remains only to confront him with a fact and remind you that you are also a living person and have the right to psychological comfort.

Dangerous for health
The ability to think about the feelings of loved ones and the desire to see them happy and satisfied are worthy of respect. But if at the same time you forget about your emotions and comfort, such psychological “patience” threatens with nervous disorders and, as a result, various diseases.

Psychologist Elena Kuzeyeva has no doubt: “If you noticed the peculiarity of“ endure and forgive everything ”and you are characterized by psychosomatic illnesses, the best solution would be to consult an experienced specialist. You need emotional support and help in developing the ability to build boundaries in communication, plus you need to deal with protective mechanisms that have grown stronger over many years. And this is not always easy to do alone. ”

I'm used to talking
You communicate with a colleague from times that no one else in the team remembers. But several years have passed - and you have no common interests left. Or, moreover, you feel uncomfortable - instead of the usual joy, you only experience irritation. It would seem that everything is obvious: communication should be minimized or reduced to infrequent meetings with conversations about weather and nature. But in reality, everything is not so cloudless.

What to do:
“If you do not just disagree, and you actually experience negative emotions when communicating with a person, it is better to gradually reduce contact to nothing,” said Marianna Volkova. - Over time, people change, and perhaps you really are no longer on the way. Of course, it’s a shame to refuse a friend with whom I spent so much time. But often we are afraid not to lose the person himself, but to communicate as a ritual that accompanied every stage of our lives. ”
Such relationships can often be compared to many years of marriage, in which feelings have become a habit. Interrupt them to you, most likely, it will be a pity and a shame. In this case, it helps to think about the feelings of the opponent well. After all, a person sincerely believes that everything is as before, and strives for communication. So even out of respect for your long-standing friendship, stop pretending that everything is okay. You have 2 options: either honestly admit your feelings, or carefully curtail your communication to the level at which you feel comfortable. The main thing is not to try to close your eyes to the situation.

If you don’t want to communicate with you
But what if in any of the above situations you find yourself, but on the other side of the barricade? “When people unexpectedly refuse to communicate with you, you most often start digging into yourself and looking for reasons,” thinks Marianna Volkova. “Because you can’t understand how you, who are so good and haven’t done anything bad to a person, are ignored.

You can, of course, torment yourself and loved ones with endless “why?”. You can even arrange a confrontation and try to call a person who does not accept you for a frank conversation. But in this case, you risk at least putting yourself and your opponent in an uncomfortable position. As a maximum, provoke a conflict that both of you could well do without. It’s best, of course, to leave a person with the right to choose with whom and how to communicate with him. ”

How to adjust
In fairness, it is worth saying that simply breaking off all contacts with an unpleasant person is not always realistic. It is unlikely that you will be able to openly tell the boss that you don’t want to see him anymore and now all the working issues are by corporate mail. Have to look for a way to adjust. Suppose a citizen does nothing bad for you personally, but is terribly annoying. You are looking for a clue, but you do not see it - it just infuriates, and that’s it. “If you feel irritation in the society of a certain person for no apparent reason, you should first understand yourself,” Elena Kuzeeva hints. “Perhaps the unfortunate have nothing to do with it.” You may find that he resembles another person from the past with whom unpleasant emotions are associated. Or you feel next to him your inferiority in any area. Perhaps you had some expectations regarding him, and they did not materialize. After identifying and realizing the causes of irritation, unpleasant emotions can completely disappear. ” If you perfectly understand what exactly is driving you crazy, it remains to try to minimize the damage. Marianna Volkova advises to relate to every meeting with an unpleasant person, such as going to the dentist, for example, so-so joy, but necessary. “It really helps to realize that of the two of you, only you spend nerve cells. And he doesn't give a damn that he annoys you. ”

Sometimes on a life path there are people whom you want to bypass. You can try to avoid meeting with this person altogether, however, you can’t always avoid completely avoiding communication with him. There are several ways to fence yourself off from people you don’t want to talk to, for example, surround yourself with nice people or avoid certain situations.

Steps

Learn to feel comfortable surrounded by people

Keep a positive attitude. Sometimes there is no desire to talk with a particular person, and therefore his society makes you uncomfortable. Take a deep breath and tell yourself that you are a wonderful conversationalist who is nice to talk to. And be sure to remind yourself that you have the right to personal space, and the expression of feelings, which helps to feel at ease, is absolutely normal practice.
- Focus on what you want right now and what makes you happy. Then try to find people who share your position. Do not try to avoid those who radiate negativity, but instead try to surround yourself with people like you, next to whom you are comfortable.
- Thoughts affect not only mood, but also actions. Smile and take a moment to tell yourself that you are in the exact place you should be.
- A positive attitude will help attract other friendly people.
Participate in activities that you like. Communicating anywhere and anytime will not always give you pleasure, but if you do what you love, then you will surely see people with whom it will be nice to communicate.
- In school years, you can join a group or circle according to your personal interests. It doesn’t matter if you are an introvert or an extrovert, because there are many extracurricular electives for all personality types. You can find an occupation and a company of people with common interests anywhere, both in theatrical productions and in athletics.
- Besides the fact that your beloved business will give you self-confidence and come together with similar-minded people, it will also allow you to do something useful and avoid situations and personalities that you prefer not to encounter.
Enjoy the fruits of life experience. Do not worry too much about the fate of other people and how this may affect you, but rather just enjoy life. You are not to blame for the fact that a person is aggressive or deliberately trying to upset you.
- Often people pour out their discontent on others because of their own complexes.
- Direct your energy to enjoy the fruits of your labor, because it’s easier to isolate yourself from unpleasant personalities. You simply will not have a free minute to sort things out with a person who is unpleasant to you.
Spend time with friends. Whether it’s a social environment, school or work, surrounded by like-minded people, you will feel much more comfortable.
- Enlist the support of friends, if you often find yourself in situations where you have to be among unpleasant people or personalities that you don’t want to talk to.
- Tell your friends about the person who bothers you. Quietly explain the reason and ask your friends to provide a reliable barrier if this person approaches you.
Deal with a person who is unpleasant to you
1. Be respectful. Keep yourself in the bounds of decency if nose to nose is faced with a person with whom you do not want to communicate because of his ignorance or if you are connected by a certain story. An exchange of a couple of words will be quite enough if you behave correctly and do not allow another person to provoke you into being rude.
  - It is not always possible to completely isolate oneself from a person with whom one does not want to talk. However, communication can be minimized if your face is courteous and indifferent.
  - Stop and take a deep breath. Focus on your needs. Your goal is to complete this interaction as soon as possible.
  - Politely leave the conversation. Do not be like an interlocutor. Keep calm and say that you need to meet a friend or it's time to run to the meeting. So you can with dignity get out of the situation.
2. Designate boundaries in advance. You do not have to constantly explain to the person you want to avoid talking to, why he shouldn’t cross the line, but you need to determine the limits of what is allowed. In the future, you must strictly follow these rules.
  - Restrictions are both emotional and physical in nature. You have the right to privacy. Therefore, it is necessary to clearly explain that it is very important for you.
  - Whether an employee, classmate or former partner, clarify how and when you will be ready to interact with him. Despite all the complexity, do not be afraid to act bluntly.
  - If a person previously violated the boundaries of your personal space, then the next time you meet, just tell him not to come so close. In addition, at the very beginning of the conversation, you can immediately focus on the fact that you have very little time. Or let us know that you prefer to communicate via SMS correspondence or e-mail.
3. Ignore the person. Most likely, you are not the only one who is eager to get rid of his annoying attention. Pay attention to how other people interact with him. If you have already tried all the tactful methods, and none of them worked, then you just have to ignore the person. Ask the team to help find the best solutions to this problem.
  - Sometimes the relationship does not bring the proper result. For example, this could happen to a former partner or even a co-worker. Just ignore this person if you tried to distance yourself, but they failed.
  - Complete disregard does not apply to the simplest method, especially if a person is persistent, but the firmness of the decision will gradually lead to the desired result.
  - To declare a boycott is not to make fun of a person, to make a displeased person in his presence or to indecently gesticulate. It just suggests such behavior, as if this person were not at all nearby. However, do not pretend that he is not literally. It is necessary to be higher than the current situation and evade sharing pastime and staying in one place.
Disassociate from a person completely / completely
1. Avoid situations in which there is a possibility of contact with a person. Sometimes it is necessary to make changes in your life in order to distance yourself from a person with whom there is no desire to communicate. You should not go to a party or meeting if you know for certain about his presence there.
  - You should not resort to a similar method if you are in a situation that cannot be avoided, for example, at school or at work. In this case, refuse to attend the celebrations in order to avoid meeting with one or another person.
  - Tell your friend in advance that you are not coming to the event. Be honest with your friend when explaining the reason, but don't do it in a rude manner.
  - When you notice a person with whom you want to avoid communication or meeting, consider changing the location. For example, while relaxing in a bar or at a party, you can go to another room so as not to come across an unpleasant person.
2. Ask for help. If you really want to avoid meeting a certain person, but it is difficult to do it alone, then ask other people to help you. Contact your friends, parents, supervisor, or class teacher for help.
  - You should discuss the problem with an authoritative person who can help in this situation, for example, with the head or school psychologist, if you can’t isolate yourself from the person, because you are studying in the same class or working together.
  - Quietly explain why you are not able to be in the company of this person. Perhaps his presence interferes with the work due to the constant feeling of discomfort. Or you can’t concentrate on the topic of the lesson, because this person constantly pesters you. Tell the manager why it is necessary to get you out of the process of interacting with this person.
3. Break off all the connections. If there is such an opportunity, express everything directly in person and end the relationship in one fell swoop. You can simply cut off all connections if you are pestering a former partner, whom you no longer want to see and hear, or a person from a company of mutual friends.
  - Set boundaries and don't apologize. Own health and emotional calm should be in the first place. Despite all the difficulties, tell this person that they no longer intend to continue any communication with him.
  - Stick to the chosen line of behavior. Some people just won’t leave you alone, but you did everything right when you announced your intentions. After that, do not enter into dialogue.
  - It would be the right decision to directly report that you no longer want to talk to the person and see him. Sometimes words come much faster if you are straightforward and a bit harsh. At first, a feeling of bitterness arises, but try to implement your plan and remember that this will be better for your well-being.
- It is not necessary to look directly into the eyes, but speak politely and make it clear that your mood is not of the best right now.
- Change the route and habits that will avoid the person.
- Calmly explain to the person that you cannot talk at the moment.
- Show respect if approached by you. However, set limits in advance.
- If a person is angry with you, take a step backward (in the literal sense of the word) as slowly as possible, carefully think over the following words / actions, and determine the necessary line of behavior in the current situation.

When you are in the presence of a truly good person, you feel it. They seem light, positive and radiate warm light in any situation. But there are people who create tension, and I want to quickly escape from their heavy invisible arms.
Imagine that you went to see an unfamiliar doctor to discuss your recent allergies. You were escorted to the examination room, and you begin to expect a doctor, full of hopes that now he will help you and save you from a boring allergy. The door opened and a woman in a white coat with a slightly gloomy face came in. She threw a stern look at you, and you immediately felt like some kind of “wrong” person who came to distract her with his miserable problem. She wrote down the symptoms and wrote out a simple prescription that should solve your problem. A short "goodbye," and she went out the door.

You are left alone with yourself, and an insult appears in your soul and an unpleasant aftertaste that you have not been given due attention and have not been allocated a portion of kindness.

Consider a different situation. You work as a team on a project in which each of you offers ideas for improving your work. One of the members of the group constantly makes insulting comments about all other ideas - including yours. He is proud of himself, and you are slowly starting to lose his temper.

The easiest way would be to respond rude to rudeness. It would be if you were an unpleasant person. But you are a good person, kind and helpful!

And then a dilemma arises: how to communicate with unpleasant people, while remaining pleasant to oneself. Fortunately, psychology always finds solutions. There is such a wonderful quality - compliance. It helps to remain kind, responsive, straightforward, altruistic, affectionate and modest.

Psychologists offer 4 tips that will help you not to get nervous and not boil when confronted with people whose behavior is almost non-existent.

Do not respond with irritability to irritability.

It is easy to answer the same and more difficult to respond with kindness. But, if you can, you can see the good even in an evil person.

Ask yourself if you are transferring your negativity to others.

In other words, maybe you're in a bad mood right now? If so, then the other person is worthy of the presumption of innocence.

Do not overdo it, trying to cheer a person.

If you overdo it, you can cause the exact opposite reaction, or at least a suspicion about your true motives.

Accept the inevitable if it is truly inevitable.

You cannot change your opponent, but you can change your reaction. If you let go of the situation, you will not give the aggressor the opportunity to get you crazy and ruin your mood.

It would be great if we lived in a world in which everyone was white and fluffy. However, there are always people around us who are unpleasant to us. It is worth learning not to change people, but just to communicate with them correctly, while remaining kind and generous.

6 have chosen

So sometimes it happens that suddenly or not suddenly, but I want to change the circle of friends. No, nothing happened, nobody offended anyone, didn’t set him up, didn’t spread rumors. Yes, and nothing seems to have changed so radically as to want change. But as soon as we seemed to have ceased to understand each other with these people, they tire, the threads that bound us seemed to break. Why is this happening and how to understand ourselves, is it time to update our friends, what we really need - the psychologist Maria Pugacheva will help us find the answers to these questions today.

Why does a person need a vacation? ..

Has anyone thought of this? A person has a vacation then to rest.

“In principle, we can get tired morally, psychologically, energetically - call it whatever you like - from what is happening around us, what we do, with whom we communicate, and so on,” explains Maria Pugacheva. “We’re just tired, we’re simply exhausted.” Naturally, friends will fall into this state. Now it’s a scourge of our time - everyone is tired, especially in megacities, every third complains about it. "

Perhaps you just want peace, some kind of serene relaxation, immersion in yourself, silence, and not communication on the same topics. So the friends themselves have nothing to do with it and let them not be offended, you just need time for a good rest.

Growing organism

Another explanation for such sentiments may be that you grew up in something, developed personally, or simply began to live in some other social category, ideology, worldview, circumstances, and your friends remained the same. “Of course, now you’re not that uninteresting with them, but perhaps subconsciously uncomfortable in something. In this case, changing the circle of communication sharply, of course, will be difficult and maybe not necessary, but you need to gradually make new friends and comrades, "advises Maria Pugacheva.

Over time, it will be they who will become your friends, and those who were such will remain good old friends. Everything will be logical and logical: no one is offended and you have no guilt.

Pause

It happens that in our life there is one problem that lasts for months or even years, it weighs us very much, we discuss it with friends, they are constantly interested in how we are doing. At first, it helps a lot, supports, and then over time it begins to inexplicably annoy, anger, and load. “As a result, each time communicating with friends becomes like a reanimation of this problem, a constant reminder of it. And you, perhaps, have long wanted to get rid of it at last, not to perceive yourself in it,” says Maria Pugacheva.

For example, if a woman is not married and cannot find a partner for a long time, if someone does not dare to divorce for a long time, if someone still cannot make a business, or someone cannot cure a chronic disease in any way. In this case, it is important to ask your friends to never remind you again, not to ask how you are doing in this area, and not to start talking about it.

"Well, if it’s really hard for you to be in their circle, then try to drop out of it for a while and chat with someone new," Maria Pugacheva advises. By the way, it is quite possible that your problem will also be solved when you expand the scope of your life and your communication.

Have you ever felt like wanting to "part" with old friends and make new ones? Why do you think this happened, how did you get out of the situation?

There have been situations with you when, during a conversation or attempt to start a conversation, a feeling arises that a person does not want to talk to you? This lack of desire can be due to various reasons: fatigue, antipathy, or the fact that you interfered in someone else's conversation. Sometimes it’s hard to see if a person really wants to talk to you. Pay attention to body language and notice speech signals to understand the true intentions of the interlocutor. Be able to politely apologize and end the conversation.

Steps

Part 1

Body language and speech signals

Read between the lines. When communicating via SMS or on social networks, there is no way to see gestures and facial expressions or hear the tone of the interlocutor's voice (with the exception of video calls). If you carefully read the response lines and notice how long the answer takes, you can assess the degree of interest of the person in the conversation.

Listen to the tone of voice. The tone of the interlocutor’s voice is able to tell a lot about a person’s feelings at a given moment. The nature of the conversation allows you to understand how interesting he is to you. Perhaps it's time to politely end the conversation. Try to answer the following questions:

Determine who sets the tone for the conversation. If in doubt whether a person wants to continue the conversation, then try to understand who sets the tone for the conversation. This will also tell you if your interlocutor is not losing the thread of the conversation and whether it is time for you to stop.

If your voice sounds much more often than the other person’s, this may be a sign that he is not interested in the conversation.
Start talking less and pay attention if the person you want wants to seize the initiative. Perhaps he is interested in a conversation, but you do not allow a word to be said.
Check how much room you have in the conversation if more than two people are talking. If in doubt, insert your remark and pay attention to the reaction of the other participants.

Listen to the answers. Answers to your questions and statements can tell a lot about a person’s mood. The following answers may indicate that the person you are talking to is bored or unwilling to continue talking with you:

Pay attention to eye contact. It has long been known that the eyes are a mirror of the soul. If during a conversation you look into the interlocutor’s eyes, then the answer will be written in them. The following signs indicate that the person you are talking to wants to end the conversation:

Pay attention to body position. As the eyes are able to tell about the interest in the conversation or its absence, so the position of the body gives out the mood of a person. Pay attention to the pose of the interlocutor to find out the answer.

Watch your body language. Body language always shows a person’s attitude to conversation. Such examples indicate that the interlocutor does not want to talk:

Part 2
Ways to politely end a conversation
1. Do not panic or get angry. Sometimes a person is simply not in the mood, busy, experiencing a difficult moment in life. Try not to panic and not get mad at the person you are talking to. Show your sensitivity and politely end the conversation to save yourself and your partner from the awkward exchange of empty phrases.
  - Do your best to hide your emotions from the other person.
2. Use a common preposition. There are many different reasons that allow you to complete the conversation, whether it is the need to go to the bathroom or answer the call. If the interlocutor has obviously cooled off to the conversation, then use the “simple” pretext to stop the conversation and leave on a good note. Report the following:
  
  Find an organic reason to end the conversation. Find the opportunity to naturally interrupt your conversation. Such an excuse will allow you to end the conversation on a good note.
  
  Show that you value the time of the interlocutor. If you need to end a useless conversation, then adjust everything as if you are guided by the interests of the interlocutor. Say a strategic phrase like “I don't want to take your time” to end the conversation.
  
  Find out the phone or ask for a business card. Such a question will tell you that your conversation has come to an end. Indicate that the conversation was pleasing to you, and you are not averse to talking again another time.
  
  Return to the beginning of the conversation. If a person is not interested in continuing the conversation, then try to find a way to end the conversation by returning to the original topic. Repeat that you gladly learned a lot of new things, and also thank you for the conversation.
  
  Thank the interlocutor for your time. Even if a person showed impolite and openly showed a lack of interest in further conversation, act in good faith and stay on the positive wave. Thank the person for the conversation and your time, even if the conversation did not give you positive emotions.