Sensitive people: what if you are one of them? Close to heart. How to live if you are too sensitive
When you think about the secret of successful people, what do you think are the qualities that help them succeed? You will be amazed at their ingenuity and creativity in solving problems. Or maybe you'll be overwhelmed by their emotional intelligence and fantastic ability to make contacts with other people.
This is just an incomplete list of the qualities of highly sensitive people (VChL), which make up 20% of the world's population.
Despite popular belief, highly sensitive people often become major leaders. They tend to succeed professionally. They are simultaneously disliked and highly appreciated for their commitment to the cause, even if they thoroughly shake the nerves of their colleagues from time to time.
High sensitivity is a feature that is misunderstood. I myself belong to highly sensitive people, therefore I have suffered more than once because of my empathy and my eternally worried character. Fortunately, attitudes toward sensitivity have changed in society, partly due to the recognition and endorsement of the principle of neural diversity. It consists in the fact that neurological differences between people - this is normal.
Being very sensitive is superpower, but only if you use it correctly. Otherwise, it, on the contrary, can complicate your life.
In order to survive in our world, highly sensitive people have to be guided by certain principles that relate to absolutely everything - love, work, and even how to live with such a peculiarity of the psyche so that it does not hurt.
The secret life of highly sensitive people
It consists in the fact that they notice every little thing, just read between the lines. Do you believe it or not, but highly sensitive people make wonderful entrepreneurs, namely marketers, because it’s great for them to make contacts, listen to other people, and empathize with them.
Highly sensitive people are very conscientious.
Details, structure, organization - this is your strong point. After all, you are so deeply immersed in the process that you can easily develop long-term plans and think out optimal solutions. And this, you see, is a valuable help.
Highly sensitive people can concentrate on some idea with real fanaticism. All these qualities contribute to success in our difficult time of information technology and clip thinking.
Highly sensitive people are more creative and creative.
Among world famous artists and artists there are many highly sensitive people. Why? Hypersensitivity and a rich inner world make them simply created for success.
Therefore, use your natural curiosity, ask questions, use your gift. All this distinguishes you from other people and is a big plus.
Highly sensitive people do everything with genuine passion.
You are very proud and try to make as few mistakes as possible. You with the same passion surrender to your work and relationships. It is felt. As a rule, such people are interested in a lot and are able to do a lot, which often makes them pioneers in a particular industry.
VChl and success
Can your hypersensitivity interfere with your life? Of course, this cannot be ruled out. But with a certain proportion of deliberation and thoughtfulness, you can turn this your feature into a huge force.
Try to establish feedback.
Most highly sensitive people, despite the fact that they communicate well with others, feel very uncomfortable during public meetings or presentations. One criticism is enough for them to experience several days later.
Therefore, if you belong to highly sensitive people, always be prepared to play with high stakes. You should be ready for any questions, to calculate everything one step further. Prepare a few blanks on how you will respond if something goes wrong during the discussion.
For example: “Let's get back to discussing this point a bit later,” “Quite a difficult question. What is your vision of the situation? ”,“ Thanks for the feedback. Give me some time to comprehend all that is heard.
Do not respond - answer.
Life does not always go according to the intended scenario, therefore, VChL should develop the ability to properly respond to its challenges. In order not to panic and not give in to emotions, learn to put a barrier between what is happening and your reaction to it.
For example, when your partner once again leaves dirty dishes in the sink, do not let stress cover you head over heels. VChL feel more sharply and deeply, because such a reaction will only exacerbate everything.
An explosion or, conversely, silence - these reactions are not constructive. Instead, take a deep breath and count to five before answering. This will help you curb your emotions.
Ask yourself calmly why you are unhappy. Take time out and return to the discussion of the problem later. Write down your thoughts before answering. There is nothing shameful in this pause. In fact, this is a sign of your maturity, thoughtful attitude to life and healthy self-control.
Set reasonable boundaries.
It is important for highly sensitive people to save their energy without wasting it on trifles. You spend days passing through yourself the feelings and mood of other people, which is why it is so important. Naturally, all the negative effects on you. It can even be indoor noise, bad music and more - all this affects sensitive people.
Simple, at first glance, things can help you with this. You can, for example, arrive at the office half an hour earlier in order to stay in silence and tune in to a working day. For example, between meetings I always give 15-30 minutes to be alone, to concentrate.
Effectively managing your energy comes down to establishing strong boundaries and being mindful of what you let into your life. Keep toxic people out of your way; don't let the media influence you. Learn to relax and rest.
If VCHL is your favorite person or colleague
Highly sensitive people make excellent life partners and community leaders. Although it should be recognized that loving them, living or working with them is rather difficult. You cannot (and do not even try) to change them. But you can always support them with the following tricks:
If you work with VCHL:
Keep them informed of what is happening. Maximum information! Highly sensitive people perfectly perceive the new and most complex information, because the more they know, the more efficient they are. If possible, always give them time to prepare. For example, familiarize them with the agenda well in advance. Focus on coaching, not criticism.
If you like VCHL:
Be sure to set aside time when your partner can be alone or in silence. Be prepared that he will suffer from insomnia. It can be very difficult for them to fall asleep due to their active and inquiring mind.
Be patient with them during misunderstandings. Do not be offended when they want to be alone. You will always have time to catch up - during trips to theaters, museums or trips out of town. VChL love to get new knowledge, as well as nature, art, and are always happy to embark on pleasant and fun adventures with you.
Whoever a highly sensitive person is for you - your spouse, brother or colleague - try to remember his features and use it to the benefit of your relationship or work.
It will not always be easy, but over time you will realize that it was worth it: very sensitive people are changing our world for the better.
“You are too sensitive! You react too much to everything! ”- if you have heard such words addressed to you, your interlocutors may be right, and you really are not like other people. You belong to highly sensitive people - to 15-20% of the population who have a very finely tuned nervous system. I also feel keenly and lead the first Russian-language podcast about this phenomenon.
According to the theory of the founders of highly sensitive people by the American psychologist Elaine Aron, sensitive people analyze information more deeply. They have a more active islet of the brain, where all information about the environment and the internal state of a person is synthesized. They have increased empathy due to a greater number of mirror neurons - brain cells that help us understand the experiences of another person, for example, cry when watching a movie if the protagonist is ill. They are more sensitive to nuances, notice details better and are able to catch the slightest changes in the environment.
Highly sensitive people are more susceptible to noise, lighting, smells - for example, sitting next to a person who smoked a cigarette ten minutes ago, a sensitive person may feel as if they had put him in a smoking room. A large number of people tire them, although not all highly sensitive people are introverts.
It is important to understand that hypersensitivity is not a disease or a sign of a bad nature, but a set of inherited genes that are designed to help the survival of the whole species. For example, the most sensitive horses run along the edges of the herd and, as soon as they notice the danger, change their behavior, thereby warning the entire herd about it. That is, high sensitivity is a useful signaling tool. Problems arise if we ignore these signals.
Do not ignore sensitivity
From childhood, from well-intentioned ones, they often inspire us that we should not take everything so close to our hearts. As a result, highly sensitive people begin to believe that something is wrong with them, and try to suppress their sensitivity. This is especially common with men. Despite the fact that high sensitivity is equally found among men and women, society sensitivity in men does not encourage. Having listened to the suggestions “don’t howl, you are a man!” In childhood, the boy grows up, embarrassed by his sensitivity, and puts on a mask of hypermasculinity or drowns out sensitivity with alcohol and an unhealthy lifestyle.
Another unsuccessful adaptation strategy is avoidance. Sensitive people often try to avoid conflicts or potentially hyper-stimulating situations, usually at the expense of their own psychological boundaries. For this reason, they are often considered weak or stupid - although in fact these people simply analyze for a long time before taking any action and do everything to not upset others - because they so acutely feel their experiences.
Elaine Aron showed that highly sensitive people succeed more than others in situations where their sensitivity is respected and supported, and in teams with a positive emotional background, but show worse results if their sensitivity was ignored, or in companies where a negative emotional environment prevails. If in childhood parents allowed the sensitivity of the child to simply be, then, as a rule, such a person achieves a lot, as he understands the emotions of other people and understands what approach is needed to them.
From survival to prosperity
If you recognize yourself in this description, congratulate yourself: you survived and adapted, not knowing anything about your sensitivity! Now is the time to move from survival to prosperity and learn to truly use your gift. I suggest six simple strategies for how to do this.
1. First of all, understand and accept that everything is fine with you.
There are 1.4 billion people around the world like you. Nature does not hold anything superfluous, and if sensitivity continues to be transmitted from generation to generation in people and animals, then it is needed. Allow yourself to be hypersensitive, the world needs your gift.
2. Realize that most people perceive the world differently than you.
80% of humanity sincerely does not understand why you are haunted by the smell of food in the workplace, loud music or air conditioning, and may not even notice what affects your well-being and productivity. Colleagues may like light stimulation in the form of constant music, without which their nervous system hibernates. Explaining what sensitivity is to someone who does not have it is like trying to explain to a blind person what color is.
So learn to speak their language.
If you need time to come to your senses after the meeting, do not say that you are tired of the abundance of information - say that you are going to write down thoughts that came from the meeting. Or joke that you need to warm yourself with a cup of tea after a cool conversation with a client. People are afraid of the incomprehensible, so more often use humor and do not focus on sensitivity: no one is obliged to treat you differently, simply because you are a sensitive person.
3. Avoid negative people and companies.
Sensitive people are very influenced by the mood of others, and they tend to take on other people's problems. If you are constantly dealing with negatively charged people, such communication will deplete you much more than an ordinary person. If your work is constantly criticized, blamed, offended, such a team is contraindicated to you. Look for a more professional company - there are many.
4. Give yourself time to think and relax.
Accept the fact that you need more time to make decisions (after all, your brain processes more information) and rest than others so that the nervous system has time to recover. Do not plan multiple meetings in a row. It is ideal to alternate communication and work alone. Organize your schedule so that you can be several times a day without external stimulation - sit in a quiet room, and it is better to take a walk in the park. Ideally, you need to build your own schedule, let it become your work priority. Many highly sensitive people choose to start their own business, just to be able to control their daily routine.
5. Be sure to regularly visit nature
Think about when you felt full of energy, joyful, with the desire to do something right? I bet that it was connected with being in nature. As in Avatar, sensitive people derive strength from nature. Try to make weekly city trips a part of your routine. Plant many plants in the office and at home.
6. Feed your soul.
Highly sensitive people are not interested in just making money, it is important for them to be part of something more. If your work is routine and just allows you to pay bills, get yourself a hobby that helps change the world for the better. You can go somewhere volunteer. Many sensitive people are fond of art and literature or work in the creative field. It is important to stop repeating the beliefs of others that "all this is nonsense, since it does not bring money," and find time for actions that nourish your soul.
how have a business from highly sensitive man
Despite their poor reputation, sensitive people can be great workers and friends. They are very responsible, independent, attentive to details, they always think about how the other person feels.
When dealing with highly sensitive people, keep in mind that they can react to many things that do not cause you any reaction. Accept that it’s not their fantasies, but that they really feel the world. They are not necessarily "crybaby", but they can cry, it would seem, out of the blue.
Sensitive people get tired quickly if they bring down a ton of information at once, so give them time to “digest” it. If one of your subordinates constantly asks for permission to work from home or spends more time outside the desktop than behind him, it is possible that he does not take time off from work, but simply is a highly sensitive person and thus tries to find a balance.
If your child is hypersensitive, do not judge his sensitivity, but help to learn how to deal with emotions and express them in a constructive way - for example, through drawing or dancing. A strict regime and psychological boundaries will also greatly help in this. Make sure that your hypersensitive child does not constantly have a computer turned on - he needs rest, even if he still does not understand this. Keep in mind that the situation in the family and at school has a very strong emotional impact on the sensitive child. So, if your child suddenly began to get too tired or naughty, find out what is happening in his environment - perhaps he “picked up” the emotional state from his peers.
Highly sensitive people, whose childhood was normal, are no different from others, and even, according to research, a little happier than others. So take care of your hypersensitive child or your inner child if you yourself are a highly sensitive person - and you will be the happiest people!
You can take the sensitivity test developed by Elaine Aron for free on my website.
Editorial opinion may not reflect the views of the author.
In case of health problems do not self-medicate, consult your doctor.
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What if any unfamiliar situation makes you very excited? What if a half-hour buffet reception leads to an unbearable desire to retire, since a "social hangover" inevitably sets in? Perhaps you belong to the orchid people.
A bit of theory: The hypersensitivity phenomenon was first described by Elaine Ayron, an American psychotherapist. Before her, all orchid people were mistakenly attributed either to introverts, or simply to people nervous or even neurotic. Hypersensitivity has nothing to do with diseases and abnormalities! Of course, introversion is found in most orchid people, but there are also extraverts among them.
I will make a reservation that this is not a scientific work and I have not done any research. The writing here is the result of observing myself and others like me, and I was inspired by the book Elaine Ayron "The Ultrasensitive Nature".
Who are orchid people?
You can safely classify yourself among these 25% of subtle natures, if you are characterized by most of the following symptoms:
1. High susceptibility to external stimuli and strong excitability of the nervous system
2. Caution and even slowness in decision making
3. The tendency to deep analysis of their actions and events around them
4. Increased attention to subtle details and subtle trends
5. High susceptibility to other people's emotions (high empathy, pity for the weaker), as well as avoiding conflicts
6. Loss of concentration and confusion in the situation of evaluation and observation by other people
7. Developed intuition, propensity for foresight
8. Hemispheric thinking, good creativity
9. Introversion (about 70% of orchid people are introverts), avoiding publicity and a wide circle of contacts
10. The tendency to continuous learning, the desire for self-improvement
11. Increased vulnerability and a tendency to more pronounced physical discomfort, that is, suffer more from pain, suffer hunger worse
12. Higher susceptibility to drug treatment, caffeine
Now we will analyze in more detail the main features of orchid people, and how they appear at work, in communication with colleagues.
1. High susceptibility to external stimuli and strong excitability of the nervous system
Details:
Perhaps this is the most striking and defining feature of people-orchids. If you take beads as a metaphorical image, then this feature is a thread, and that's it
the rest are beads that would not be able to make beads without a thread.
The reaction of highly sensitive people to any, even a minor irritant is stronger than that of most people. Particularly strong reaction to unexpected and unfamiliar stimuli. For example, an unexpected ringing of broken glass or someone’s shout will make your heart startle, gasp, and beat. Strong irritants completely stun you and cause a stupor reaction, a desire to retire soon. Therefore, orchid people, because of their increased emotionality, try to avoid:
Crowded Rush Hour Transport
Large rallies
Buffet receptions and noisy parties
Long noisy lines
Traffic jams (by the way, orchid people know better than others how to avoid jams;)
Cause:
The nervous system of orchid people is tuned to a higher susceptibility to minor irritants. This in turn implies a more detailed processing of the information entering the brain. As a result, the overload of the nervous system is stronger than that of most people. From here - fatigue comes faster, with strong irritants - fatigue is completely deafening.
Manifestation in a business environment:
Orchid people are extremely uncomfortable in large and noisy meetings. In order not to aggravate your internal stress and not to force
their heart beat even more often, they prefer to remain silent. They definitely don't like open-space offices.
Of course, I do not like to work on weekends, but if you have to go out, the bonus is the opportunity to sit in an empty office with a dim light! My work is in full swing in such an atmosphere!
2. Caution and slowness in decision making
Details:
Orchid people prefer to think through all the possible consequences of any action, which takes a lot of time. But their decisions are often successful,
After all, they were based on the collection of a large number of facts and consideration of all possible options.
Cause:
Your brain always strives for thorough and deep processing of information, and this takes much more time.
Manifestation in a business environment:
Such people work on the principle of "measure seven times, cut once." The work in which you need to make decisions quickly is the strongest
stress.
3. The tendency to constantly analyze their actions and events around
Details:
Orchid people are prone to long meditations and self-digging. Those around can perceive it as wandering in the clouds and counting crows;).
Constant internal dialogue can lead to distraction and some awkwardness in actions. But it is thanks to this inner work
Orchid people are more often endowed with worldly wisdom, they are more often rational and prudent in their actions, more often they become truly mature people.
Cause:
All the same tendency to constantly process incoming information.
Manifestation in a business environment:
When discussing some new information, an oversensitive employee may look bad at capturing what is happening. But due to his penchant for analysis, later he comes to even a deeper understanding of the details and nuances than others.
She herself noticed the following: when I learn something new in large quantities, there are confusion and chaos in my head. But I already know that the brain half-consciously processes what it has learned. And the next day or week (depending on the complexity of the task or information) comes SUCH clarity and understanding, which I did not dream at first! The expression "Morning in the evening is wiser" exactly about people-orchids!
4. Increased attention to subtle details and trends.
Details:
From a highly sensitive nature, you will most likely hear the phrase “Something is wrong here ...” It is the orchid people who will be the first to pay attention to subtle changes in the usual course of things. Whether this will be a false alarm or the beginning of an impending disaster is already a matter of time. But in any case, it will be wise for others to listen to them. Perhaps, when the tsunami approached in Thailand, orchid people were the first to pay attention to animals running away from the shore and even more so did not rush to collect shells on the exposed shore before the arrival of a big wave ...
Cause:
High susceptibility to minor irritants is combined with increased attention to detail. The nervous system of people-orchids, figuratively speaking, wears glasses with magnifying glasses: they help to better see the details, but the incident light also burns more due to the lenses. Nature has given us such lenses so that we can see in advance the impending danger and warn our fellow tribesmen. A separate post on my site is dedicated to the benefits of orchid people for the rest of the community.
Manifestation in a business environment:
You are the one who knows how to warn the boss or your colleagues about the problem before it gets worse. You are the first one to notice the subtle
changes in the market and warn others about it. Perhaps you have a reputation for exaggerating danger all the time. But rather in you
appreciate this insight.
I tried to show most of the characteristic features of orchid people as advantages and strengths. Believe me, I was not afraid to overdo it, since such people are rarely prone to excessive self-esteem, and such praises against them will not lead to narcissism.
Do you feel that your reaction to things is stronger than the rest? Are you worried about how other people feel? Do you prefer a quiet rather than chaotic environment?
If the above is right for you, then you can be very sensitive. A personality trait - which was first investigated by Ph.D. Elaine A. Aron in the early 1990s - is relatively common in every fifth person. Aron has written many works and books on excessive sensitivity, including such as “Very Sensitive People,” and has also developed a test () to help you determine if you are a very sensitive person.
Although the recent interest in introversion - mainly due to publications of a wide profile about the subject, including Susan Kane's book “Silence” - has brought more interest in personality traits than the values \u200b\u200bof less stimulation and greater sensitivity, Aron noticed that very sensitive people are still, like generally considered a "minority".
But a "minority" does not mean that it is bad - in fact, a very sensitive person combines many positive characteristics. The following are some common features common to all sensitive people.
1. Their feelings are deeper
One of the distinguishing characteristics of very sensitive people is their ability to have deeper feelings than their less sensitive peers. “They like to take things at a deep level,” Ted Zeff, Ph.D., author of The Survival Guide for Very Sensitive People and other books about very sensitive people, says HuffPost. "They are very intuitive, and can go much further to sort things out."
2. They are more emotionally responsive
Very sensitive people react more to the situation. For example, they will be more sympathetic and caring about a friend’s problems, says Aron. They can also take more care of other people who are victims of negative actions.
3. They are used to hearing: “Don't take everything so close to your heart” or “Why are you so sensitive?”
Depending on the culture, sensitivity can be perceived as a valuable contribution or a negative trait, explains Zeff. In some of his studies, Zeff says that very sensitive men from different countries with whom he worked - such as Thailand and India - were rarely or never teased, while men from North America were often or always teased. “So many of them are very cultural - the same person who said“ in certain cultures, this is considered a valuable contribution. ”
4. They are used to working alone
Very sensitive people tend to avoid getting into a sports team, where there is a feeling that everyone is constantly monitoring the actions of the other, says Zeff. In his research, the majority of respondents who are very sensitive people prefer individual sports - cycling, running, hiking, rather than group. However, this is not a generally accepted rule - some very sensitive people had parents who instilled in them an understanding that it would be easier for them to become a member of a group sport, Zeff reports.
5. They make decisions longer
Very sensitive people have a more informed and detailed approach to decision making, says Aron. Even if this decision is not “right” or “wrong” - for example, it is impossible to choose the “wrong” taste of ice cream - very sensitive people will tend to choose longer because they weigh every possible outcome. ” Aron advises: “Think for as long as the situation allows, and ask for more time if you need it,” she writes in a recent issue of the Comfort Zone newsletter. “At this time, try to qualify for a minute, hour, day, or even a week, which will help you get on the right track. What is it like? Often, on the other side of the decision, things look different, and this gives a chance to more vividly imagine that you are already there. ” One exception: Once a very sensitive person comes to the conclusion that in this situation this will be the right decision, and in another situation it will be, and in the future he or she will quickly make these decisions.
6. They are more disappointed if they make “bad” or “wrong” decisions.
Can you imagine how you feel when you make the wrong decision? For very sensitive people, “these emotions are amplified because their emotional activity is higher”, explains Aron.
7. They are extremely attentive to detail.
Very sensitive people are the first to notice details in the room, the new shoes that you shod, or changes in the weather.
8. Not all very sensitive people are introverts
About 30 percent of very sensitive people are extroverts, referring to Aron. He explains that many times very sensitive people who were also extroverts grew into a close-knit community - whether it was a dead end, a small town or with a parent who worked as a priest or rabbi - and so interacted with a lot of people.
9. They work well in a team
Since very sensitive people are deep thinkers, they are valuable workers and team members.says Aron. However, they are well suited to those team positions where you do not need to make the final decision. For example, if a very sensitive person is part of a medical team, he or she is valuable in analyzing the pros and cons of the patient being operated on, until someone else ultimately decides whether the patient needs surgery.
10. They are most prone to anxiety or depression (but only if there have been many negative experiences in the past)
“If you have enough bad experiences, especially in your early life, you don’t feel safe in this world or feel confident at home ... or at school, your nervous system is too“ disturbing, ”says Aron. But it is not necessary to say that all very sensitive people will continue to worry - those who have a favorable environment can go a long way towards protecting themselves from this. Parents of very sensitive children, especially should “understand that these are really great children, but they need to be kept on the right track,” says Aron. “You can reboot them, but you should not protect them. You must titrate them in their youth so that they feel confident and feel good. ”
11. Annoying sound irritates a very sensitive person even more
It’s hard to say that someone is a fan of annoying sound, and very sensitive people are even more sensitive to chaos and noise. That's why they tend to be more depressed because of too much activity, says Aron.
12. Violent movies are the worst
Because very sensitive people are even more sympathetic and even more annoyed. Cruel or horror movies are not their thing, Aron says.
13. They are easier to make cry
That’s why it’s important for very sensitive people to put themselves in a situation where they will not feel upset or somehow “wrong” to cry easily, says Zeff. If their friends and family realize that it’s simple — that they can easily be made to cry — and support this form of expression, then “easy crying” will not be seen as something shameful.
14. They have good manners.
Very sensitive people are also very conscientious people, as Aron says. Therefore, they are most likely attentive and have good manners - and they always notice unscrupulous people. For example, a very sensitive person may be more aware of where his cart is in the store - not because he is afraid that someone might steal something from there, but because he does not want his cart to interfere with someone else .
15. For very sensitive people, the effects of criticism are greatly amplified.
Very sensitive people have a reaction to criticism, which is all the more intense the less sensitive the person. As a result, they can use certain tactics to avoid criticism, including flatterers (so that no one criticizes them), criticizing themselves, first, and avoiding sources of criticism, Aron says.
People can say something negative, [and] not VHF (a very sensitive person) can say “It doesn't matter” and not respond to them, says Zeff. But VHF will feel it very deeply.
16. Cabinets \u003d good. Open offices \u003d bad
Since very sensitive people prefer to work alone, they also prefer a single work environment. Zeff says that many very sensitive people like working at home or being private entrepreneurs because they can control the incentives of their work environment. Those who do not have the luxury of creating their own flexible work schedules (and environments), Zeff notes that very sensitive people can enjoy working in an office - where they have more privacy and less noise - than in open offices.
Highly sensitive people, or “new introverts,” are the names of those who are more sensitive than others to noise or vanity, quickly get tired of society and love solitude. These people have a subtle sense of the world and pay attention to the smallest details, so beautiful poets, artists and writers are often made from them. However, it’s hard for them to live among others: too often they have to make excuses for their fatigue and unsociability, criticism hurts too much, too much energy is spent on empathy, and also on meeting the standards accepted in society.
Ilse Sand, a Danish writer and certified psychotherapist who has personally experienced all the hardships and joys of life of highly sensitive people, tells how new introverts can finally stop trying to rebuild themselves and begin to live in their own pleasure in harmony with themselves and their feelings.
All rights reserved. The work is intended solely for private use. No part of the electronic copy of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any means, including posting on the Internet and corporate networks, for public or collective use without the written permission of the copyright holder. For copyright infringement, the legislation provides for the payment of compensation to the copyright holder in the amount of up to 5 million rubles (Article 49 of the Administrative Offenses Code), as well as criminal liability in the form of imprisonment for up to 6 years (Article 146 of the Criminal Code of the Russian Federation).
Preface to the second edition
I am glad to present you the second edition of the book "Close to the heart." To date, the fourth edition of the first edition has ended in stores - in other words, more than 5,000 copies have already been sold. The book has also been translated into Swedish, and psychologists throughout Scandinavia use the test included in it.
I supplemented the second edition with a chapter on scientific research on this issue. In addition, I removed the arguments about anger, as they are fully reproduced in the book “New Paths in the Maze of Feelings,” and also included a number of thoughts on other relevant topics in the new edition.
Foreword
This book is intended for people with hypersensitivity who are too vulnerable psychologically. But it was written for people with the usual level of sensitivity, since life often brings them together with extremely impressionable personalities.
Throughout my life, I managed to be a priest and a psychotherapist, so I met a lot of people. Talking with especially sensitive ones, every time I realized that I would render real help to such people, just telling them about this feature of their nature.
For this reason, in my book, I decided to pay special attention to the stories of those patients and clients, thanks to which we understand what it means to be so vulnerable in the modern world. All the patients I quote in this paper are hypersensitive, however in some examples we can recognize ourselves.
More than once I saw live evidence of how a person managed to get along with his own sensitivity, gain courage and become himself, and therefore I sincerely hope that this book will help in this and many other people.
In chapter 1, I describe the character traits inherent in sensitive natures. There are no identical people, and supersensitive people are no exception. Perhaps in some of the examples I have described, you will recognize yourself, and some others, on the contrary, will not be easy to understand. However, I hope that these tips will be useful to you, even if only some of the features described by me seem familiar.
Chapters can be read separately, independently of each other, so if you find some of them too light or, on the contrary, overloaded with theoretical calculations, I recommend that you simply flip through them without reading.
At the end of the book there is a test recently developed by Danish scientists, thanks to which you can determine the level of your own sensitivity. In addition, in this book you will find a list of classes that bring joy and peace to sensitive people. This list shows the various activities that are most suitable for those who have enough strength, and for those who are looking for peace.
Introduction
Sensitivity, or, as psychologists call it, sensitivity, is a quality that can be considered both a punishment and a gift of fate. Personally, for many years I considered him an obstacle, believing that in some situations it limits my actions. And she considered herself an introvert until she read about the character traits of people with hypersensitivity.
During lectures at the university, I would certainly take a break and tell students that I needed to be alone with myself for a short time. People around us always treated such requests with understanding. In addition, among the listeners there were often people who later informed me that sometimes they also feel the need to be alone. As a rule, they also thanked me for daring to acknowledge this fact out loud.
Considering this characteristic of mine to be an obstacle, I will nevertheless be immodest and say that it is compensated by many other qualities. My imagination is well developed - for example, I always very quickly think up and develop topics for a lecture course, due to which I have found excellent speakers and lecturers over the years.
The self-esteem of many hypersensitive individuals is underestimated. It seems to us that completely different behavioral types are valued in the surrounding world. Some sensitive people admitted to me that they had climbed all their lives to keep up with others and meet other people's expectations. And only after retiring did they get the opportunity to live quietly and “slowly.” Surely you also sometimes want to learn how to live without anxiety, a little "harden" and experience the same feelings that most people around them experience. Loving yourself, so vulnerable and sensitive, is very difficult - especially when life requires completely opposite qualities from you. Perhaps you have already tried to re-educate yourself for the sake of other people's requirements - and therefore now you need to learn to love yourself again, the real one, the way you really are. The first step in this direction is to learn to evaluate not the amount of your actions, but their quality. Although you manage to do a lot less than others, but everything that you do is most likely done very well. In other words, you are clearly not a champion in long jumps, but few will be able to compete with you in high jumps.
Comparing myself over the years with others, I constantly came to the conclusion that I did not hold out. This terribly upset me, and therefore I tried to avoid such thoughts, trying to focus on my positive qualities.
You may also be tormented by the realization that you don’t know much. But as soon as you start to think about it, others immediately notice the shortcoming you have discovered. Perhaps you are not as efficient as the others, but as soon as you notice this, your colleagues also do not remain indifferent: “How, are you going home? Already? ”And after that you completely forget that in a relatively short time spent at work you managed to do as many things as an ordinary person would not have remade in a day.
I sincerely hope that this book will help sensitive individuals and simply vulnerable people to pay attention to the positive qualities that they possess.
Hypersensitivity most often enriches the person ... This advantage can turn into a huge disadvantage only in the most difficult and unusual situations, when self-control collapses under the influence of out of control feelings.
Sensitive painful component of personality will be considered a grand mistake. If this was true, then approximately one fourth of the total population of the earth could be called pathologically ill.
C. G. Jung, 1955
Chapter 1
Hypersensitivity - what is it?
Two different subspecies
Approximately every fifth individual is characterized by increased psychological vulnerability, and this applies not only to people. Higher vertebrate animals can also be conditionally divided into two groups - sensitive and grosser. The latter are determined and more often willing to take risks.
We humans are divided not only by gender, but also by belonging to one of two psychological types. And the difference between these types is often greater than between the sexes.
Hypersensitivity is a phenomenon noticed by psychologists for a long time, but it was previously called differently, for example, introversion. According to the American psychologist Elaine Ayron, who first described the characteristics of a hypersensitive personality, she herself for some time believed that introversion and hypersensitivity are the same thing, until she found that 30% of hypersensitive people are extroverts.
“Hypersensitive individuals are called constrained, anxious, or shy. These qualities can really manifest themselves if such people find themselves in an unusual environment without finding support and help from others. However, it should be noted that, despite the difficulties that we experience in unusual conditions, in a familiar and peaceful environment, we are happier than everyone else.
The fact that we are more difficult to tolerate an unfamiliar environment and happier in a calm atmosphere has been scientifically proven: according to the study, children whose reaction to difficulties was sharply negative (i.e., hypersensitive children) were more likely to get sick and make mistakes when they were in a hostile environment. However, in the usual peaceful environment, the same children were sick less often than the rest. ”
Observation and thoughtfulness
The nervous system of hypersensitive personalities is particularly sensitive. We notice many nuances and analyze them more deeply than all the others. We have a rich imagination and vivid imagination, thanks to which even the most insignificant events of the surrounding reality encourage us to hypothesize and draw conclusions. Thus, our internal “hard drive” overflows faster, and we experience overexcitation.
From an overabundance of impressions, personally, I get the feeling that more information simply will not fit into my head. When I communicate with unfamiliar people, a similar sensation can occur in about half an hour or an hour. I am quite capable of pulling myself together and supporting the conversation, listening to the interlocutor and pretending that everything is as it should be. However, it takes me a lot of energy to do this, and subsequently I feel completely broken.
Overexcitation is not a big deal, but if you are hypersensitive, then in such a situation you will feel an overabundance of information earlier than ordinary people, which will make you want to shut yourself in and withdraw.
Perhaps in the description below, you will recognize yourself. Eric (48 years old) says that when he is overexcited, he tries to hide and stay a little alone with himself, but secretly, because he is afraid that others will consider him arrogant, uncommunicative or reserved:
During big family holidays - for example, on birthdays, I often lock myself in the toilet, look in the mirror and wash my hands for a long time, soaping them thoroughly. But at this moment, someone certainly pulls the handle of the door to the toilet, and I have to leave my quiet and peaceful refuge. Once I decided to hide behind a newspaper - I sat down in a corner, unfolded the newspaper, brought it closer to my face and closed my eyes, enjoying peace. But my uncle, a famous joker, quietly crept up to me, grabbed a newspaper from his hands and loudly announced: “Aha! Here is our recluse! ”Everyone laughed, and I was ready to fall through the ground.
Eric, 48 years old
You as a hypersensitive person are quickly tired of not only negative impressions - even when you are on a fun holiday, you seem to be oversaturated at a certain moment, and at the very height of the celebration you feel an acute desire to become isolated. At such moments, this flaw depresses us very much, because in most cases we want to be as “hardy” as everyone else. Leaving before the holiday before everyone else, first of all, we feel awkward in front of the owners who are begging us to stay. Secondly, we ourselves are sorry to leave the holiday and we are afraid that the rest of the guests will seem bored or ignorant.
The reason for the increased excitability lies in our overly sensitive nervous system, but thanks to it we are able to experience genuine joy.
For example, those pleasant and calm impressions that arise when we listen to music or birds singing, examine paintings, breathe in aromas, try something tasty or admire the magnificent landscape, awaken in us a feeling akin to inner glee. We are able to fully appreciate the beautiful, and it gives us incomparable pleasure.
Sensory perception
If you are hypersensitive, it is most likely not easy for you to distract from extraneous sounds, smells, or visual irritants. At times, sensations imposed from the outside drive you crazy. Sounds that others barely notice seem to you a terrible noise, making it difficult to concentrate.
For example, on New Year's Eve the sky, colored with fireworks, will surely lead you into complete delight, which cannot be said about the explosions of firecrackers. It seems that these sounds penetrate into every cell, play on the nerves, so on New Year's Eve and after it you are not your own.
When I give lectures for hypersensitive personalities or conduct therapy courses with them, I ask students to tell about their best and worst experiences. Often, New Year's Eve falls on the list of the worst, and the blame for this is the explosion of firecrackers. The hypersensitive is annoyed even by completely harmless sounds - for example, steps in the apartment above. In addition, they are distinguished by a very sensitive dream.
On the part of the hypersensitive seem very picky: in particular, they can not stand the cold and the draft, so they try to avoid parties in the open. A visit to the hairdresser sometimes turns into a real torture due to sharp chemical odors. Visiting smokers, they also have a hard time. Even if the owner tries not to smoke at the guest, the smell of tobacco, ingrained in furniture and curtains, will certainly get to his sensitive nose. They told me about one poor man who even quit his job because his colleagues were constantly listening to the radio and this prevented him from concentrating.
Hypersensitive personalities are rare guests in a cafe where loud music plays or is too crowded. It’s not easy for highly sensitive people to find a cafe to their taste - especially if they are tired, hungry and not walking alone.
It’s so hard for me to please that I’m sometimes disgusted with myself. Less picky can’t even imagine how easy it is for them to live!
Suzanne, 23 years old
For us highly sensitive people, much is not easy. Our pain threshold is lower than that of others, and therefore hostility from the outside world hurts us much more.
Impressionability
Many hypersensitive natures admit that they hate quarrels and abuse. They can hardly tolerate when others quarrel or are simply in a bad mood. However, this feature has its own advantages: we are able to be sensitive and respond to the feelings of others. For this reason, we often choose professions that allow us to help others, and often succeed in this occupation.
Hypersensitive people working in the healthcare system say that at the end of the day they often feel exhausted. Due to our impressionability, excessive sensitivity and inability to abstract ourselves, we allow other people's experiences to influence us and therefore, when we come home, we still think about work.
If your work is connected with people, I advise you to take care of yourself, because stress leads to the most dire consequences.
I am often asked whether it is possible to get rid of excessive impressionability in myself. Thanks to hypersensitivity, a person has a kind of invisible antenna that allows you to capture the mood of others. From time to time, I myself want to get rid of these antennas forever and thus cut off the endless stream of impressions. I want to go blind, go deaf and become insensitive. And although this is most likely impossible, any of us is quite capable of controlling our own perceptions.
Having felt that your friend or colleague is dissatisfied with you, you can draw one of two conclusions: “He is angry with me. What have I done wrong? ”Or“ He simply does not know how to solve his problems, and therefore is upset. ” By choosing the second method of reasoning, you will significantly reduce the degree of your own experiences. In chapter 8, I explain in more detail the relationship between feelings and thoughts.
With a favorable combination of circumstances, excessive sensitivity brings certain benefits. So, psychologist and neuropathologist Susan Hart noted the following pattern:
Infants who are more responsive to their surroundings are more likely to respond to stimuli. If at the same time the child is surrounded by love and is brought up in a calm environment, then he shows a greater interest in life and the ability to empathy, knows how to rejoice and more easily reaches a state of harmony with the outside world.
Susan Hart, 2009
Highly sensitive people who grew up in a favorable environment, from childhood, learn to see in their features a certain advantage. However, those who in childhood received less affection and love, having matured, can also learn to support themselves and manage their lives in such a way as to turn hypersensitivity into an advantage.
Responsibility and Integrity
The experiment, whose participants were highly sensitive four-year-old children, showed that such children are less likely to lie, are less likely to break the rules and are less selfish, even when they believe that no one sees them. In addition, they solve moral dilemmas in a more socially responsible way.
Many hypersensitive individuals sometimes take responsibility for the whole world. Often we pick up discontent from those around us from a very early age and do our best to rectify the situation.
Feeling that my mother was unhappy with something, I was ready to do anything to help her, and came up with different ways to make her life easier. Once, for example, I decided that I would smile at everyone we meet on the street - both acquaintances and strangers. I thought that in this case all of them will decide that my mother is a real magician, because she managed to raise such a sweet child.
Hannah, 57
Feeling disharmony, you immediately try to correct the situation and take control of the situation. For example, if someone quarrels at a party, you patiently listen to the dissatisfied, try to console them or offer various ways to solve their problems. As a result, you soon get tired and leave the party, and former enemies forget about the quarrel and continue to have fun.
End of fact sheet.
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