What to do when nothing happens. Why nothing happens in life
When my child does his homework, often I hear phrases: “I will not do it, because it is difficult, I will not succeed!”. How do parents respond to such statements? How to convince a child and is it worth it?
Probably one of the most unpleasant situations for parents is the moment when they understand that their child does not believe in themselves. You can observe how the children are very upset and cry in the face of a difficult task or not at all upset, but they put the notebook away and forget about it for a while. Interestingly, this happens to capable and even talented children. The child is afraid to be defeated, does not believe that he will cope, in the end he is generally inclined to refuse to act. At that moment, the parent understands that the task for the child, in general, is ordinary, and there is no reason to cope with it. They get angry and try to convince the child to react differently, but this often only gets worse.
This situation is extremely painful for the child and no less painful for the parents.
Fear of error, unwillingness to fail can directly control the actions of the child and lead to the fact that he refuses to try. Such behavior is formed under the influence of the personal experience of the child, although it can be enhanced by the characteristics of his temperament. This formative experience includes the attitude of close adults to the mistakes of the child, and the experience of competition with other children, including brothers and sisters, and the nature of the parents themselves. Not always the reason is the direct influence of the parents, however, it is the parents who can help the child to cope with difficulties in many ways.
How to help a child
1. Recognize the feelings of the child.Before rushing to solve a problem, just admit that this situation seems difficult for a child, it is really difficult for him to get down to business. Just say briefly:
“Yes, probably this task seems too confusing ..”
Your task is not to deny the feelings that have already arisen in the child, but to help cope with them.
2. Teach your child problem solving algorithms. The big task needs to be divided into small parts, before the decision is to figure out how you will act, it is better to identify priority tasks at the beginning of the work. In each activity, you will have your own tips on how best to act.
Many tasks for children seem difficult precisely because they are so for them. And I need help to learn new things. The school is minimally engaged in what is called the organization of children's activities, the emphasis is on mastering information, while children are not taught effective strategies for working with information.
3. Provide opportunities to engage in activities in which the child is successful. The child should have the full opportunity to do what he knows and loves, while receiving recognition. If a child is gifted physically or dances well, then he needs to provide an opportunity to do a lot of this. In fact, the opposite is happening - such activities are being squandered under the onslaught of what “needs to be done”. Hobbies fade into the background, giving way to those classes that work out worse. Ultimately, the child is in a state of failure most of the times. This greatly affects the level of claims of the child.
4. Provide easy wins. This is an activity where success is given only by a small effort. For example, to warm up before doing math, play “math football” with your child — you give your child simple examples that he should count in his mind. Examples should be of such a level that the child feels competent in solving them.
5. Proclaim the value of perseverance. Pay your attention to those moments when the child does not succeed, but he still continues to try. Most likely, this is the area that causes the child a real interest. As a rule, there is such an area in any child where he does not need to be campaigned, he tries himself. Let it be the bonding of aircraft models, exercise or a computer game. Point out your child’s persistence. Be sure to make it clear that you consider this a strong quality child.
In no case do not comment with accusatory intonation: “Here, in order to move to a new level in the game, I’m ready to spend an hour, but you don’t want to try to solve the problem!” Your task is not to blame the child, but rather to make him understand that he has the necessary quality of character, it just has not yet manifested itself in some areas.
6. Tell your child inspirational stories.. You will find many examples of great people whose lives were abundant in small and large defeats. On this glorious list are great writers, scientists, actors, athletes. There is even an opinion that success itself is the result of many defeats. Your task is to create a belief in the child that failure is not the end of the world, but just a turn of events. Give examples from your own story when you have achieved something significant, having passed a difficult path.
7. Model your own example of resistance to defeat.
Children inherit errors from their parents. But this fact is not entirely obvious, since adults do not so clearly demonstrate their sensitivity to defeat, and they are not always aware of it. They learn to deftly avoid situations in which they can be defeated through green grape tactics. Adults just do not take part in those activities in which they may look pale, declaring them uninteresting for themselves. For example, a person will not go dancing if he is unsure of himself, will not take part in a sports competition, will not go to a company where he may not look sufficiently status, will not speak a foreign language in the presence of people who can criticize their level, avoid toasting holidays. All these forms of avoidance have become so familiar, so rooted in life, that people themselves no longer perceive them as avoidance as a result of fear of failure. Therefore, they can quite sincerely believe that their child is somehow too sensitive to their mistakes, it is not clear to whom ...
To help your child, start a business together with him, in which you have almost equal chances of success. For example, go learn dancing if you have never done this before. Do not be afraid to look funny, show your own example how you do not give up, despite the setbacks.
8. Play with your child. Fear of failure, mistakes are often removed thanks to a game in which the child himself must find your mistake. You do the job wrong, the child finds your mistakes. You can also ask the child to do something wrong on purpose, and then find and correct his own mistake. Such a game can defuse tensions around school activities.
Things to avoid:
- Criticizing and ridiculing a child for mistakes and his attitude to business. This will only increase the unpleasant experiences of the child. And a lowered mood is not at all the soil on which school or any other successes thrive.
- Solutions to the problem only at the time of its bright manifestation. Most of the tactics described above are aimed more at organizing communication with the child outside the problematic situation. This is the most effective strategy. If you recall that something needs to be done, only at the moment of a vivid manifestation of the problem, then you can do little to solve it successfully.
- To cite other children as an example. It is the procedure of evaluation, comparison and scares the child. Do not exacerbate this conflict by citing the example of other children who do better. The results of the child can be compared with his own results in the past. Then the progress will be more obvious and this can support the child.
Unbelief of the child in their own strength is perceived by the parents themselves as their pedagogical failure. “Something was done wrong, I could not instill confidence in my child, so he behaves like this,” the parent says roughly. It is important that the parents themselves relate to such a situation as to something quite fixable. Relating to the problem that has arisen actively, with confidence in the possibility of its successful resolution, parents help their child to take a similar position in relation to their difficulties.
© Elizaveta Filonenko
Why can't I make money, but for others does it work?
Why can't I get married, but others can?
Why can't I not yell at the children, but at others ...
Why can't I get out of work?
Why can't I get a salary?
Why can't I graduate?
It doesn't work out good sex.
Short (long) urgent relationships do not work out.
It is impossible to be in a relationship with one person (and not in a love triangle).
I can’t live separately from my parents.
I can’t be friends with my parents.
It’s impossible to always love children.
It doesn’t work to be perfect.
It’s not easy to do business.
I can’t do exercises in the morning.
I can’t lose weight.
It’s impossible not to suffer after parting.
It’s impossible to build borders.
It’s impossible to never get angry and always be calm? !! .. But someone does it!
I hear this in my office every day many times.
This question (“Why isn’t it possible?”) Does not require an answer. This is an expression of pain, resentment and envy of those whom it is supposedly easy to live. Much easier than the one who "does not succeed."
Probably, somewhere in the depths of one’s souls many people have the hope that what a person wants can get, moreover, easily, without straining.
And if it’s difficult, then it’s necessary, as in childhood, to go to the parent and offended so to speak: “Why does Petya have a car, but I don’t?” What will the average parent answer? Maybe silently run to buy.
Or maybe he will strictly say: “So, Petya deserved it, and you, Vasya, should still try!” And then Vasya, as he knows how, will try to earn something from life. But something doesn’t get any easier, and no one gives out “goodies” for merits. Of course, it's a shame.
And in this children's mise-en-scene about Vasya there is one curious moment. The fact is that what is required of Vasya - for example, obedience, is not directly connected with getting a typewriter. It is connected indirectly: i.e. the parent knows that Vasya wants a typewriter and assigns it a reward for performing some actions. But Vasya’s head firmly affirms the idea that fulfilling a desire is somehow connected with obedience.
But in life it’s the opposite!
Let's take the very first question from the list: “Why can't I make money?”
That is - a person does something. And something does not work out for him.
It’s logical to know what exactly is doing? What, in fact, should happen, what action should lead to a real result? And, shit, in 95 cases out of 100 it turns out that a person is carefully listening to someone. The boss. Parents. "Ancestral voice," frightening death by starvation. Spouse. Etc. And this obedience should bring the desired results. Not labor, not effort, but obedience!
- Married? ... we obey different counselors, taking their advice out of context ..
- Do not yell? ... we obey the mother, who advised how to raise children - and children should want to grow up in this way ...
Etc. - continue on your own. And Vasya is looking for someone else to obey, and this “someone” would lead him by the hand in life.
- If someone will lay me down early - I will obey, and I will begin to get enough sleep ..
- If someone keeps me on a diet, I will surely obediently follow it and lose weight ..
- If someone gently takes my hand when I am going to yell at the child, I will hear him and calm down ...
If you’re already “big and don’t believe in fairy tales”, and you still “don’t succeed”, then it’s time to ask yourself the question: what specific actions am I doing so that I can “do it”? What specific actions aren't working out for me?
With a high degree of probability it turns out that all the actions that you do, you just do perfectly. It’s just that they don’t lead you to the goal in any way, because - banally - they are not connected with it at all!
Even for super-diligent work you will not be paid an order of magnitude more. But if you take on an additional layer of responsibility - and even manage to cope - this is another conversation!
In other words, we need a New Plan - in fact, those actions that will lead to the desired goal. The new Plan will not be universal - it will be unique and only yours. To create it, you will have to get to know yourself better, deal with your resources, capabilities and limitations.
Here, of course, it turns out that you don’t know something, you don’t know how, and in general it’s scary to change something, and it would be nice if someone prompted you to obey.))) In general, there are many traps of “obedience” on a way. Have to watch.
Perhaps I have everything for today. And I, as usual, do not pretend to cover the issue and the truth in the last resort.
Oh yes. By the way. Guess what those “others” have for “everything is easy”? Actually, their actions are directly related to the results. And the impression of lightness comes from the fact that they do not rely on obedience - they listen to themselves and do what they consider necessary - without internal protest, i.e. easily. Even if it is difficult for them. But it’s hard for everyone. At least because "The universe was created without taking into account the wishes of comfort for people" (FROM).
Thanks for your attention.
Question to the psychologist:
Hello.
I have had a lot of psychological problems lately. There is no permanent job and there is always not enough money. I live with my parents. I feel indebted to them for all the money that was spent on me for all the time.
Now I’m 26. A year of looking for work has come to nothing. Before that, he worked for the state for a couple of years, but felt that it was not mine. Thoughts about his work appeared, but any idea is rejected due to fear of failure, debt. I don’t have the money to start, but it's scary to borrow.
I work a little on the Internet, but because of laziness I spend most of the time inactive.
I am dependent on information: I constantly read books, articles, news, watch videos, films. I justify myself by the fact that this information is needed for development, useful in the future. But not useful, after all.
I have a feeling that any person around me is more successful than me. I read a bunch of books on self-development and positive thinking. They are a little inspirational in the moments of reading, but not for long. I have a higher education, and at school I studied perfectly. I can’t call myself stupid. He went in for sports for many years. Now I’m not doing it anymore, because I think it’s a waste of time. But at the same time I spend it is useless.
Absent self-confidence absolutely. I'm afraid to disappoint my other half, and most likely this is what is happening. In terms of sex, I also do not succeed. There were many attempts, but nothing came of it. Previously, there was no relationship with anyone.
I often undertake the study of something, but there is enough enthusiasm for a day.
I do not know what I want from life. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do.
The main fear is the loss of a loved one due to my worthlessness.
I completely stopped believing in myself. I consider myself the last loser, ugly, poor, incapable of intimacy, weak, unreliable.
I am afraid of bankruptcy, I am afraid that I will not be able to provide for a potential family.
The girl supports me and says that she is confident in me. And I myself am not at all sure.
My family is not rich and never was like that. Hence a lot of thoughts about the lack of finance.
I hope it’s still possible to help me. Otherwise I will finish myself with thoughts.
The psychologist Bogutskaya Olesya Anatolyevna answers the question.
Hello, Dmitry!
You know about the coefficient of mental development. But few people know about emotional intelligence. From the picture that you described, it seems that everything is in order with the first, but the second - um. intelligence - it would be necessary to tighten. All this is burdened, of course, by various complexes, fears, etc. But by and large, it’s important for you now to start doing something. And this is a good first step - to do your em. intelligence. I’ll note that I’m not saying at all that you have a complete zero, this cannot be in a mentally healthy person. But there are weaknesses, moments that can be separately pumped up.
In general, you can help. Only who will do it? Who are you hoping for? Are you waiting for help from somewhere? I believe that it can be obtained. But at least you have to pay for it. But there is no money. And again - a convenient vicious circle with which you surrounded yourself from all sides. By the way, why do you need these vicious circles? What happens if they disappear? What is dangerous and terrible for you to happen? Will you have to live fully, take responsibility for your life, for your actions and be responsible for something? Or are there other fears? Fear does not live up to your expectations from yourself? Whatever you are afraid of - the worst that can happen - is already happening: you are not doing anything. And nothing happens. And so it will be until you remember all the knowledge that you have, all the books that you have read - and start living on this knowledge. I can’t tell you anything new, I guess. After all, you already know everything. And this is the greatest danger of knowledge - that they will fall on a granite slab, the waters of which a person will rest in peace his whole life.
Start with small things. No need to conquer the world and build your financial empire tomorrow. Tomorrow you just have to get up and outline the steps for next week. Start with anything - from the control of free time, go in for sports again (what a nonsense thought “this is a waste of time” ?! This is your health! This is vigor and energy! Just what you are so lacking. I strongly recommend starting at least with walks at least half an hour or an hour a day!), start by taking any thing that you have long wanted to do - and do it!
You need to stop thinking. And start to do. And when you start - start thinking again. But if you do not interrupt this cozy vicious circle now, do not start to leave your comfort zone, nothing will change. And in a year you will be able to write exactly the same letter as this. Better try to avoid it :) Make a bunch of mistakes, start a hundred things and crash - you will succeed a hundred and first time! No need to borrow money for a business that is not even in the project, this is unreasonable. But secure your earnings! Stable, miserable, anyone! I am sure that you could not get a job for a year, not because something was wrong with you, or because the vacancies of the waiters and movers were over. A smirk? Arrogant instant reaction "what ?! I'm a loader ?!"? Yes exactly. And when you will already work and not depend even on pocket expenses from your parents, you can think about further development. But you are far from your business. You absolutely do not know how to plan step by step, goal-setting and their achievement is not your hobby. Try not to try to take the integrals while in the first class ... Everything is gradual.
Why does nothing work out in life? It seems to have already learned so many things, passed so many trainings, re-read a bunch of books. But just something starts to change - and back again, again nothing happens.
What to do and how to deal with it? Well, what is this - stupidity? Or just not fate? Where to find the answer?
Or maybe everyone around lies that they are doing well and just smiling at the public? And then they come home and take off the carnival outfit. But what about the children? And they grow up with the understanding that life is divided into parts: when they see me, I am happy, and when there is no one, I am miserable and lost.
What to do? Every day all over again, nothing happens. Real Groundhog Days. Maybe not going to bed?
Well, yes, of course, I want it quickly, I want it right away. But it doesn’t work out - and I’m cooling off, worried, I don’t want to spend any more time on this ... And again into the swamp ... Nothing happens ...
Thoughts arise - maybe not so much and want? I'm better in my swamp - everything is clear: there is no happiness, but calm ... But it is depressing. And again there is no strength ... There is no life ...
In general, nothing happens - how to find the answer?
What is the reason for such conditions? What is really lacking for a person who sets goals, but he doesn’t succeed, or it doesn’t turn out the way he wants.
If we look deeper into the situation, then very often we may not see the real reasons why something does not work out. Therefore, we come to disappointment. It's like climbing a mountain with a huge bag of stones behind your back - they seem to be unnecessary and pulled down. But we want to get to the top so much that we can’t spend the time to take off the load.
A bag of stones or jewelry?
So conceived by nature, that everything should grow and develop, be in motion. But the whole burden of our lived life, which we often carry - consisting of grievances, shortages, false attitudes, etc., is pulled down, often knocking the course and direction. And as a result, the feeling again appears that nothing happens at all in life.
Only by disassembling our pebbles and getting rid of the false attitudes that unconsciously put pressure on us, we can go further and find answers to all our questions, understand why something does not work out in life as we would like. Understanding our parents, grandfathers, grandmothers, teachers, we turn our cargo from stones into a value that gives strength.
What does it take to start everything in life the way you want?
Sometimes we can even feel our potential, our capabilities and say: “So I could become ...” or “In childhood I wanted to become ...”. But as if we have no connection with the picture that the imagination draws. Why is that?
According to System-Vector Psychology of Yuri Burlan, all the desires that we have do not just appear. They have a clear foundation, all the possibilities come true,
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What if nothing happens in life?
The routine has swallowed up, desires are not fulfilled, the scale of the problems is constantly and continuously growing ... Why do some get everything from life, while others always have a black line - a question that is asked by thousands of people, and only a few find the answer. Indeed, why is this happening? Women’s Time portal suggests what to do, if nothing happens in lifewhat needs to be changed and understood.
It is impossible to give a definite answer, since each person is individual and some will need to analyze the problem in detail and identify problem areas that need to be worked out in order for the situation to change. In this article we will try to highlight the main points, and we will begin, of course, with the desire to control everything and believe that there is only one scenario.This is good when a person knows how to visualize and build a plan to achieve what is desired. But, the plan is not always fulfilled in the form in which we originally imagined it.
No need to get attached to specific people and scenarios, and assume that they will help you solve the tasks. Acting in this way, you limit yourself, slow down or even stop the whole process. Although, initially, such behavior seems quite harmless.
The next mistake due to which nothing happens in life is a reluctance to notice opportunities or to abandon them. A pathetic sight when a person is indignant at his life, reproaches fate, but as soon as he gets a chance to change everything, he immediately takes a step back. Sometimes people are led by fear, and sometimes laziness. It is much easier to sit back and feel sorry for yourself unfortunate than to try to change something, analyze your actions and results, do something that at least takes you a few steps closer to fulfilling your dreams.
Some people want everything at once, and very upset when this does not happen. For example, our desire is a prestigious job and a correspondingly high income. In parallel, we want to build a happy relationship and start a family. Desires are formed, the next step is to build situations that will happen in order for the plan to become a reality. But, if we begin to tear, it may turn out that none of these desires will come true. For example, on the same day a fateful date and an interview will fall, and then you will have to make a choice, correctly setting priorities that are almost equivalent for you.
If nothing happens in life, it is quite possible that you took the burden beyond your strength.This does not mean that you should give up your desire. This means that you need to lower the bar and go to the dream slowly but surely. For example, if a person has never been involved in sports, it will be extremely difficult for him to run a marathon of 20 kilometers. But if he starts training from such distances as 2.35 km, then in the future he will be able to master 20, 25 and even more.
There is always a way out! Say even more, it is already embedded inside you. But in order to open it, you need to learn to understand and listen to your inner “I”. This is what happens in consultation with the psychologist Oksana Tumadin.
