Communication with suspicious people. We limit communication with "superfluous" people

Today we will share with you cool and useful psychological tricks. They really work. Before we start, we want to say: we do not justify the actions of people who resort to manipulation to achieve goals. However, there are tons of tricks to be aware of. They will be very useful in life. Other people can manipulate you for their own benefit (all advertising marketing is built on similar principles). In our next selection especially for you - the most effective psychological tricks.

Gifts

Even an insignificant present can touch a person to the core.

Numerous studies have shown that by offering someone even the smallest souvenir, you can radically change his attitude towards you.

Passive voice

You should not use the method of direct accusation in communication: it causes reflexive denial in the interlocutor

In order not to enter into confrontation with the interlocutor, but to convey your opinion, use a passive (passive) voice in your speech. For example, instead of "You didn't send me a spreadsheet," say, "No spreadsheets were sent."

Take ten minutes

Sometimes the brain "deceives" us, causing a feeling of laziness and unwillingness to do something. But in the process of work, this feeling can be replaced by interest and activity.

Don't feel motivated to do some work? Then, anyway, force yourself to do it for at least 10 minutes. Even if you can't continue, 10 minutes is better than nothing.

Be confident

Often, others mistake a self-confident person for an authoritative one with leadership qualities.

Behave like a person who knows what he is doing - and others will trust you. Of course, this trick cannot be used for illegal purposes. And yet, it has been verified: in difficult situations, this technique really works.

Fear of loss

People are afraid of losing something. That is why the advertising “two seats left to the left” is so successful when selling bus tickets. The same principle is used for the stability of sales - it motivates people to buy a product. Remember this trick, and you will not become a victim of manipulation.

The illusion of choice

The illusion of choice is considered an illusion because its main goal is manipulation, where, with any choice, the initiator of the game wins

Do you need to get a lazy coworker or child to do something? Give them a false choice! What does it mean? If you need to sweep the floor and fold the laundry, just ask, "Do you want to fold or sweep?" They will gain a sense of control and will take on the job with great enthusiasm.

The "Door in the face" method

The person is uncomfortable with refusing a request; and therefore he is happy to help if the requirements are significantly reduced

This marketing trick says: first demand the unattainable from the person, and then - what you really want. In other words, if you're dreaming of a puppy, ask for a pony first.

Reception "Kicking at the door"

Having accustomed someone to provide small services, it is not difficult to motivate him to do something grandiose. A person gets used to the fact that he is obliged to help

This trick is the stark opposite of a door to the face. If you ask for small favors, then later people will tend to do more for you.

Silence is gold

People are afraid of long pauses during conversations. It is enough just to remember the painful moments when silence hangs at the festive table

Do you need to get more information about someone, or do you want to conclude a profitable deal? This will help ... silence. Pauses in communication will create a sense of awkwardness, and your interlocutor will involuntarily seek to fill them.

Open body language

One of the main signs of a person's openness are arms spread out to the sides, palms turned up

To look more confident, use open body language and posture in a given situation. Try not to cross your arms over your chest, use an open gaze, and so on.

Mirror method

Everyone admires the positive traits they have in others. But in others, too, we hate what we feel in ourselves.

Slightly imitating a person, you can tune in "to his wave", causing him to dispose of your person. Just do not overdo it, so as not to seem strange and not alienate the interlocutor.

Small services

The desire to be needed and involved in the collective of other people is genetically inherent in us since the inception of mankind

When you ask for something, or other people ask you, everyone has the feeling that they need him. This expression of benevolence promotes rapprochement between people. Of course, we are talking about small benefits, and here it is important not to overdo it.

Agree

Base your communication on what unites you with your opponent; this way you can come to a mutually beneficial agreement

This can be a powerful weapon, especially if you are against it. At first, be sure to find a common language with the interlocutor. For example: "I agree with you, but ...", or: "I understand this, however ..."

Tom Sawyer's method

Engaging and making people work is an effective method that is very actively used in management theory.

The famous hero of the novel by Mark Twain used a wise psychological trick. What is it? If you don't want to do something, pretend the job is interesting and fun. Perhaps someone will get inspired and do it instead of you?

Admit your mistakes

By exposing yourself to small flaws, you give others a sense of greatness, you are ready to forgive a lot for such a self-critical person.

A good way to build trust is to admit your mistakes, especially small ones. It is also strategically correct (albeit ethically wrong) to take the blame for a wrong that you didn’t commit. The use of this method increases the degree of trust in a person in the future.

Maintain neutrality

A balanced approach to all aspects of the problem helps to solve it more effectively

This method is one of the best persuasion secrets in the world. Show the interlocutor that you are ready to accept different well-reasoned arguments, and he will have more reasons to trust you.

The evaluating glance

The main thing when meeting suspicious individuals is not to show fear.

If you often walk around the city, this technique can come in handy. When you see someone suspicious, catch their eye (but don't look threateningly). Now look down at your feet, then back into your eyes. As a result, quickly look away and continue on your way. This silent "assessment" will signal that you did not see the person as a threat. PS: This method works well if you have a confident step and a stately posture. But even if you consider yourself short, imagine yourself big and strong, it will help in this situation.

Don't argue about the main issue

Competent structure of the discussion helps in solving many, even the most global, problems

If you are in a negotiation, do not challenge your main point of view. Better to go straight to the secondary arguments. For example: you want to build a wall. Don't argue about whether it will be built or not. Immediately touch the question who will pay for the construction. Then people will regard the very existence of the wall as a necessity.

Smile for a child

The baby has the basics of non-verbal interaction with others almost from birth

In the environment of each person there are such people, communication with whom is exhausting and deprived of energy. In relations with such people, it is very important to develop the right tactics so as not to succumb to their attempts to manipulate. It is important to learn how to protect yourself from their negative influences and emotional toxicity. How to do it? Let's take a look at 10 secrets of communicating with negative people.

1. Practice denial.

There are people who often use their negative energy in order to persuade the people around them to do their will. It is very important to learn to recognize such attempts and refuse. Start practicing refusal to communicate with such people, and after a while, your friend will understand that his tactics do not work with you, and will lag behind you.

2. Make fun of it.

A sense of humor and its skillful use is a universal way of protection against all types of manipulators. Humor will help you keep your distance and get out of the awkward situations that lie in wait for you in your relationships with people. Joke whenever you come across people like this and your relationship will develop normally.

3. Don't be sorry.

There is a category of people who like to try on the image of a victim. Almost the whole world is unfair to them, they suffer from everything, and they turn to you with a request, if not to help, then at least to sympathize. In no case should you feel sorry for such people! From the position of a defender and an understanding person, you will very quickly be transferred to the position of another aggressor. When another chronic whiner comes to you, just point out to him the reason for his suffering - that is, himself.

4. Expose the manipulator.

In any situation, regardless of who is trying to manipulate you, and in what way, be direct about it. Expose the manipulator's cunning scheme, and tell him that these tricks will not work with you. In 99% of cases, you will expect resentment and accusations of cruelty, misunderstanding and other sins. Never mind - this is just a continuation of trying to manipulate you.

5. Ask questions.

Sometimes it is very easy to get rid of the attacks of negative people, leading them with leading questions to understand that they are behaving incorrectly. Of course, you should not do this in every contact with such people - it is enough to put a person in his place once. Most manipulators use toxic techniques unconsciously, or even automatically, because they are not taught other methods of interaction. In this case, you can help such people get rid of toxic habits.

6. Indicate manifestations that you consider unacceptable.

In extreme cases, when a person does not react to any other methods, one can resort to a sharp suppression of negative manifestations. In a conversation with a person directly, looking into his eyes, tell me which of his actions are unacceptable in a relationship with you. This method will help you protect yourself from most of the unpleasant situations associated with such people.

7. Never show emotions!

Quite often, the goal of the manipulator is to lead you into extreme emotions. This is fear, guilt, anger. They do this in order to take control of you and take a psychologically higher position. Therefore, in dealing with such people, it is better not to give vent to your emotions, so as not to give them the slightest chance to take control of you.

8. Be tolerant.

Accepting a person for who he is is one of the ways to defeat negativity once and for all. Acceptance is something that the manipulator does not expect from you for any price. Show the person that you absolutely do not care how they behave, and that no matter what, you still continue to treat them kindly. This often disarms people, especially the aggressors.

9. Empathize.

For the most part, these people are deeply unhappy. Often the cause of their negative manifestations is children's psychological trauma inflicted by parents and loved ones. Therefore, try to understand the wounded soul and show sympathy. This will help you accept the behavior of such people and respond to their toxicity in a more welcoming manner.

10. Suggest an alternative.

This trick is best used when someone is trying to manipulate or persuade you to do something. Just show the person that you can solve the problem differently, without resorting to using other people. For example, once again, when an acquaintance comes to you in order to cry in your vest, give him a business card of your friend's psychotherapist.

When something goes wrong, you are always to blame, not him. Common situation? When the person is acting this way and you have to tiptoe in front of them, use the following strategy to avoid conflict and prevent similar situations from occurring in the future.

This situation can be repeated many times, and if a person who adequately evaluates the situation is involved in it, the problem can be solved quickly enough; if it affects someone who is in error, conflict is inevitable.

Low self-esteem underlies this behavior. It seems to a person that everything that happens in his life is somehow conditioned by the fact that they are trying to use him. For example, if you keep him waiting, he will decide that you don’t care about his condition or that you don’t respect him enough to show up on time.

If you have high self-esteem, you will not hastily blame the person's lateness on the attitude towards you; you would rather assume that something has happened. Or decide that the person is making themselves wait, trying to feel their own worth. In this situation, do this: first, do not jump to the conclusion that such actions indicate disrespect to you; secondly, if you do come to this conclusion, do not fall into a rage - after all, you do not need someone's respect in order to respect yourself.

Someone who has low self-esteem thinks (in most cases on a subconscious level) something like this: "This person does not feel sympathy for me and does not respect me enough to behave with me accordingly." By accepting ourselves, we are accepting those around us. We perceive the outside world through the filter of our own idea of \u200b\u200bourselves, and if this idea is distorted, our relationships with people deteriorate.

"I have to look at him!"

That is why you always want to see the driver who cut us off on the road. Such an act can always be explained by something, but if the driver looks like he did it on purpose, out of lack of respect, we get even more angry. If this driver was an old woman, we would not be very angry, assuming that she simply sees poorly, and would not take what happened to our hearts. In addition, you always want the person behind the wheel to confirm our idea of \u200b\u200bwho exactly can drive the car, as this increases the feeling of control over the situation - to know everything and always be right.

Low self-esteem makes a person egocentric, he begins to believe that the world revolves around him, and takes into account only his own desires and needs.

Self-esteem is the foundation of self-esteem. Without respecting yourself, you cannot respect others. And if you also think that others do not respect you, then you admit that their actions were deliberate.

Psychological solution.

Are you tired of such phrases: “Because of you, I missed my turn” or “Why did you order this for me? You know that I don’t eat fried, ”or“ Why are the documents not prepared? You had a whole night for that, didn't you? Then read on.

The solution to this problem is quite simple. However, first note this: no one has the right to insult you. If you feel like you've become someone's psychological punching bag, do whatever it takes to make a difference.

Remember: people will treat you the way you let them... If you are dealing with a person who can at least to some extent be called reasonable, make it clear that his behavior is unacceptable.

But let's analyze a situation where there is no way to do this - for example, if you are dealing with your boss, or with your wife, or with not very close family members.

The key to solving the problem is simple: give the other person what he needs so badly, and do it at the moment when he in a good mood. Thus, for the next aggravation of the situation, such a psychological climate will be created that your "enemy" will consider it inappropriate to find fault with you. He may choose another target for attacks, but this target will no longer be you. By applying this strategy, you become a source of psychological support for the person. That is why he cannot cut the notorious branch on which his psyche "sits".

1. Instill respect for yourself.

The best defense is offense. Create a psychological reserve for your opponent so that he can use it when necessary. The following are simple ways to do this.

1. Criticize a person only when absolutely necessary,
   using the methods described in the article "How to criticize correctly without hurting feelings."
2. When someone makes a mistake, support them and don't be too hard on them.
3. Be tactful and polite when communicating.
4. Do not discuss the person with others.
5. Tell someone you know in common that you deeply respect and value this person.
6. Never humiliate the person you are talking to or show your disrespect for him, especially in the presence of other people.

All of these actions seem simple, but sometimes they are difficult to apply in practice. However, their role in changing the relationship with the difficult person can be crucial.

2. Change the person's perception of himself.

You have to make sure that the person identifies with someone who will not find fault with you and blame you for their problems.

This can be done with a simple but well thought out phrase. In this situation, it is required that the interlocutor perceives himself as a good-natured person, so you can say something like this: "I admire your calmness when this madness begins" or: "I really appreciate that you are patient with me."

Such phrases will help to use such a powerful psychological factor as internal consistency. Thanks to phrases of this type, the person will feel an inner need to act in accordance with your ideas about him, since you have touched his ego. People need their behavior to match how they see themselves and how,
in their opinion, they are perceived by those around them. It sounds very simple, but the results of numerous studies confirm that the self-image is very easy to change through this technique. People with low self-esteem can commit unreasonable actions, but the refusal to perceive their own "I" is not one of them.

3. Get the person to do something for you.

Now you become a source of support for this person, his admirer. To criticize you would mean to him the same as criticizing himself, and even worse, because he thinks you appreciate him. more,than he is himself. (See the next article, "How to get along with unbalanced people," for other helpful methods for solving this problem.)

Real life example.

The restaurant manager yells at the waiter for any, even the most insignificant reason.

Waiter [choosing the right time]. Do you know what I respect you the most, Mr. Harris? You are always so calm in a tense environment, it just delights me.
Mr. Harris. Well, sometimes I still lose my temper ...
Waiter. None of us are immune from this. But you control yourself more than anyone else.

Now Mr. Harris sees himself through the eyes of a waiter. The next time a manager wants to raise his voice to his subordinate, he will stop himself (most likely subconsciously), because he does not want to destroy the image of a self-controlled person.

The waiter also turns to the manager for advice, again choosing the right moment for this:

Mr. Harris, I know you are a wise man. It's very personal, but I want to ask you for advice on a problem I had with a friend ...

The manager will willingly give advice to the waiter, making an emotional investment in it. As with any investment, a person is not indifferent to their future fate. He will never harm the object of his investment. Mr. Harris will no longer yell at the waiter.

Short review.

To calm an irritable, hot-tempered person, do the following:

1) instill in him respect for yourself;
2) change his idea of \u200b\u200bhimself - perceiving himself as a different person, he will begin to behave like a different person;
3) make him put his feelings into you.

Toxic relationships can arise with toxic people - colloquially the term "energy vampire" has become established.

The person calls - and you absolutely do not want to pick up the phone, although you need to take it! It is necessary to answer - this is a call from work or from a close relative. And there is no objective reason not to answer, but I really don't want to do it! Not to mention calling and writing yourself.

Or you don't want to go to an event where a certain person will be present; and you want to lie, tell yourself sick, extremely busy, just to miss the meeting - although at normal times it could please you or be useful ...

And after communicating with such a person, for some reason, you experience negative emotions: anxiety, discouragement, guilt, a feeling of worthlessness or an unpaid debt. It feels like walking through a minefield, although a person does nothing wrong: he does not offend, does not humiliate, does not threaten ... At least, clearly does not humiliate or threaten, but the feeling is as if he is holding a knife behind his back and in any moment can take advantage of it.

I am ashamed to admit to myself these negative thoughts and feelings; after all, this is a normal, ordinary person, sometimes - connected with us by family ties or friendly relations. But he's sick of him, to be honest; as in Sartre's novel, in his presence, or even after the thought of him, life begins to fill with some dark sticky substance, to arouse disgust; a bright and light world becomes painted in sepia, as one philosopher aptly put it.

Everything takes on a dirty tint, our achievements become insignificant, dreams become ridiculous, and energy goes somewhere after a short conversation.

And I want to lie with my face to the wall and not move. And cry - although there seems to be nothing to cry about. And to fight with excruciating anxiety, although there are no objective reasons for it either.

This is a consequence of toxic communication.

There are toxic gases: sarin, mustard gas. Or poisonous chemicals that corrode everything around - this is how toxic communication affects us.

Chingiz Aitmatov said that the stomach from spoiled food can throw up. It is the response of a healthy body to spew out poison. And the brain cannot spew poisonous fumes, words, thoughts, feelings, information - it has to absorb and process everything. And there is nausea, of course, but there is no saving eruption. Only in young children, after toxic communication, can there be a "mental outburst" - hysteria. An adult is restrained, educated, accustomed to control his reactions; but feeling of "moral nausea" - an unmistakable sign of toxic communication.

Toxic relationships can arise with toxic people - colloquially the term has become established "energetic vampire"... In appearance, these are quite normal people, rather successfully functioning in society; that's just for life, they use someone else's energy.

Sam Vankin uses the word "narcissus"; however, the point is not in the definition, but in the properties of such a person. He is excellent at entering into relationships, building trust and even sympathy; this is inherent in almost all bloodsucking - for a start, they inject anesthetic fluid or completely paralyze the victim with poisonous fumes - light anesthesia, hypnosis ... This is necessary to overcome resistance.

And the "facade" of a toxic person is quite pleasant and beautiful, even too much like a gingerbread house. In his life there were bright and dramatic events, even tragedies, losses and misfortunes that he experienced with honor. There were also persecutors, enemies who still do him a lot of harm and follow his progress. He has achieved a lot - in the past. And he was respected, honored.

For example, the heroine had a fight with an insidious and cruel husband. Or a broken nail. Or a colleague at work looked askance at her - all this is a reason to immediately involve you in solving a global problem. The dramatization of the most ordinary and insignificant incidents hypnotizes the interlocutor, although much more serious events happen to him personally, and he needs help and attention no less, and sometimes more than a toxic person.

The huge "ego" of the malignant narcissist consumes other people's time and energy like a black hole. And you are convinced that this character does not care about your problems at all; he speaks only of himself.

Attempts to interrupt communication are perceived by a toxic person as an insult; he immediately starts demanding an answer - why didn't you answer the call? Why didn't you write a message or didn't write immediately? Don't you understand that friendship comes with obligation? Please explain myself! The word "no" in its simplest and most common sense, the toxic narcissist does not understand and does not want to understand. And if you have previously innocently made a "friendship" or personal relationship with him, a toxic person will begin to punish and persecute you, attracting strangers to his side, enlisting the support of society.

And the advice to “step aside” sometimes sounds derisive - you would be happy to step aside, but a step to the left, a step to the right is an attempt to escape, after which the toxic character has the right to shoot to kill. And, as it turns out, in the past he “shot” many people: ruined their business and personal reputation, brought them to neurosis and depression, followed and persecuted for years - toxic people are unusually vindictive, and you are now a fugitive slave who is caught in order to subject to harsh punishment.

And people are weaker to follow the lead of the toxic slave owner, believing that it is better to give in. Overcoming nausea, talk, listen, support, promise, admire achievements ... - that's all.

Psychological slavery can last a lifetime, distorting the life and psyche of the victim. It is necessary to tear immediately, although it is not so easy - the tick bites with all its might. The only way is to deprive him of oxygen, then the grip will weaken.

First, you need to get rid of the guilt that a toxic person successfully instills in you. Feelings of guilt have nothing to do with conscience:

• conscience regulates human relations in accordance with moral norms;
• guiltassociated with a specific person whose interests you allegedly infringed.

It is not without reason that the amount of the fine was called “guilt”, for example, for murder — he killed, admitted “guilt”, paid “guilt” - two silver hryvnias. The prices of the wine were quite acceptable, they could have counted the change or allowed something else to be done at a cheaper price ...

This is why it is so important for the narcissist to make you accept the blame and pay, pay, pay.

Nothing will happen to him without you, fine he or she will do without you - toxic people from childhood easily find new victims, like mosquitoes or leeches. And it is naive to think that a poor mosquito or a spider will starve to death if you do not let him drink his blood; these creatures function well and find food. There are so many kind and trusting people in the world!

But you should worry about yourself; the narcissist is merciless towards those who abandon him, thereby belittling his grandiose self. But the sooner you stop communicating, the better.

From experience I can say that the simplest and most sincere words can be the most effective; need to become a child... The child is whole, protected by this integrity; he can still be "sick" emotionally; and the child can sincerely say: “I feel bad. For some reason I feel sick and my head hurts. Something is wrong with you. I can’t explain, but I don’t feel well after communicating with you, I don’t know what’s wrong with me ”...

Indeed, there is nothing to object; a toxic person can manipulate everything and achieve everything with threats, blackmail, pressure on pity - but what can you say after simple and sincere words - "After talking with you, I feel very bad!".

Of course, there will be words like “ did you think about me? What is it like for me to be alone with my problems! "- but the ghoul has nothing more to say.

The position of the child in this case is unshakable if you avoid discussion and discussion, in which you will be convinced in no time that you are not bad at all! On the contrary, good! And if it's bad, lie down for five minutes, and everything will pass!

There is one subtlety here - the narcissist is terribly afraid for himself... He doesn't give a damn about you, of course. But is the deterioration in your well-being connected with the threat to the most toxic person? What if something bad, threatening happens to him? Are you a kind of marker, thermometer or tonometer that indicates trouble? Self-fear can cause a toxic narcissist to leave you alone and look for a new victim full of fresh energy.

This method of "childlike spontaneity" for scaring off a toxic narcissist only works, of course, when it comes to an outsider. And then - only at an early stage, until you get bogged down in pathological and destructive relationships. A toxic person very quickly destroys psychological defenses and personality boundaries, claims to be the "only friend", "beloved", "faithful companion", although you were absolutely not ready to offer him this title - he usurped it without your consent, "forcing" you little by little.

And one psychologist wrote excellently, albeit strange at first glance - today you will agree to drink kefir at night at the request of the narcissist, and in a month you will take a loan of ten thousand dollars for him.

It all starts with the first concession, with the first consent, with the first conversation about the problems of the narcissist at an inconvenient time for you ... This is a terrorist, in the course of communication with whom he can develop "Stockholm Syndrome" – victims got used to the aggressors and even began to defend them,such is the paradox. And it took a long work of a psychologist to "sober up" the former hostage and again begin to distinguish good from evil, to protect their personal boundaries from encroachments.

Comparison with a terrorist is perfectly acceptable; not without reason one of the tips to avoid slavery - don't look the daffodil in the eye, look away... The military gives exactly the same advice to those who have become hostages of terrorists - to attract as little attention as possible and not to look the aggressors in the eyes.

But in general, there are ways to get rid of toxic communication when it comes to strangers.

Much more dangerous, of course, are toxic people with whom, by the will of fate, we found ourselves in a family relationship.These can be parents, brothers, sisters, other relatives, but they have the same narcissistic characteristics: complete emotional contempt for the needs and emotions of the child. While this contempt and indifference can be combined with heightened care and attention, they, in turn, are also aggressive and toxic.

Toxic narcissists are deprived of empathy, the ability to perceive the feelings of another person at the level of the soul - although they have everything in order with the intellect. Other people are dolls. And the attitude of toxic parents to the child is the attitude of the child to the doll.

There was such an experiment, very simple - the child was seated in front of the doll and asked to describe what he sees. The child was ingeniously describing the interior of the room. “What does the doll see?” Asked the experimenter; the child was truthfully again describing what he himself sees. He had no idea that the doll sees everything completely differently ...

The narcissist remains a child in this sense, having lost his childish sincerity and ingenuity, but retaining egocentrism. And such parents can literally harm their children, perhaps not in the least wanting to do so.

Here we must define our definitions. There are the "toxic people" we talked about before. And there are people who are ordinary, normal, capable of correct, good relationships; but it is in relation to you that they deliberately behave toxic - they steal, so to speak, energy. Which is then quite good-naturedly taken to those who are truly dear to them.

So the executioners, having washed their bloody hands, carried home the things of the executed; gave them to wives, children, to whom they were sincerely attached - that was the custom.

And such a person willfully “rob” and “execute” us, feeding his precious “ego” in order to function even more successfully as a father, husband, worker ...

"Gaslighting

A truly toxic person unconsciously spreads poison like Pushkin's anchar - he was born that way. And it is difficult to blame a worm or a tick for what constitutes their essence. But it is difficult not to sympathize with those who are close to the "Anchar", especially if these are children who have neither awareness of the situation, nor the ability to get out of its poisonous shadow ...

Communication toxins are manifested in "enveloping aggression", which at first glance is difficult to recognize.

• What's so aggressive about your mom coming to your apartment in your absence and cleaning up? Washes clothes, washes dishes, moves furniture?
• What's wrong with the fact that parents make repairs in a teenager's room without consulting him - they make repairs with their own money! And they looked in the diary along the way - is there something forbidden written there?
• Or the husband reads his wife's correspondence in the chat - does she have anything to hide? We are close and loving people, what kind of personal boundaries are you talking about? Everything seems to you to be aggression, wow! It's time to see a psychiatrist!

This proposal - to consult a psychiatrist - is a further manifestation of aggression, the so-called "gaslighting".

In Hitchcock's scary film, his wife said that gas lamps somehow burned dimly in the evening, somehow wrong. And the husband replied that it seemed to her; illusion and hallucination, optical illusion! The unhappy woman almost reached psychosis, while her husband secretly rummaged in the attic - looking for hidden jewelry. And he turned on gas lamps there, due to which the gas pressure in the lamps decreased and the light dimmed ...

"Gaslighting"- one of the signs of toxic communication, when you are hinted that you are not quite adequate.And the reason for your irritation or suspicion is not in the actions of a loved one, but in your abnormal reaction, incorrect perception.

Toxic communication manifests itself in devaluation, when your every success - is it really a success? In the desire to speak the so-called "truth in the face" - having protected himself with the mask of a truth-lover, utter the wildest insults with impunity, uttering the introductory phrase: "Just don't be offended!" - this phrase unmistakably indicates a toxic relationship.

There are a lot of ways of aggressive and toxic influence, all of them can be listed only in a global study, but the main point is toxic relationships and toxic people destroy your personal boundaries... Immediately or gradually, roughly or softly, openly or secretly - but this is the main sign of a toxic relationship.

Personal boundaries determine the security and independence of our personality, its freedom and full functioning in the world. It is very similar to the borders of the state - they exist, they must be protected, and they can be violated secretly or openly and aggressively. But in any case, it threatens the security of the country, it is aggression and a threat.

Personal boundaries are defined by invisible receptors; the person instinctively decides what distance is acceptable when communicating, what violates boundaries, what causes pain and anxiety. And the feeling of discomfort during communication, Sartre's "nausea" from a person, a feeling of anxiety, as when crossing a minefield - an accurate sign that boundaries are being "pushed through" and violated. Consciously or unconsciously - this is a separate question, but it is necessary to act as with pain - to understand its cause, to distance yourself if it is an external source, and undergo examination if it is an internal source.

The problem of toxic relationships can cost a person life and health, physical and mental. And truly toxic people are simply dangerous; their psyche is in a borderline state and at any moment their emotional reactions can get out of control.

There are antidotes, antidotes against poisonous gases, but in each case - a specific antidote. And from other toxic people you just need to run away and refuse them to communicate, not succumbing to heartbreaking stories and "serials" in which we do not want to get a role at all - they are too monotonous and low-quality. And the main character, a toxic narcissist, evokes neither approval nor sympathy ...

Sometimes we all, regardless of desire, have to communicate with unpleasant people. These can be relatives, colleagues, clients, acquaintances, neighbors, bosses, etc. It is important to know the means of communicating with unpleasant people.

What kind of unpleasant people are they? They cause irritation, fear, anger, confusion in us, we feel helpless, insecure, we cannot resist them, we feel pressure.

And how do we usually react? We ignore them and leave, snarl, raise our voice in response, try to convince them or calm them down, give advice, laugh it off ...

Most often, such people are "energy vampires" who "feed" on our energy. Unfortunately, they can only "assimilate" the energy received from people like them - from boors, but they are not very eager to give it to them. So they have to "feed" on us - calm, adequate people.

Means of communication at the time of conflict

First, let's get acquainted with the practices that are used "In the fields" - that is, right at the moment of interaction with a person you dislike. Then with those that will help before or after conflict figure out what the matter is and how to prevent such situations in the future.

1. If you are attacked verbally, raise your voice, insult you, make any claims, you can simply respond to each remark: “ Yes you are right". Let's say the mother-in-law says to her daughter-in-law: "You are a bad housewife, you are a bad mother," etc., and the daughter-in-law answers her: "Yes, I am a bad housewife, yes, I am a bad mother," and soon the aggressor will simply run out of arguments. By the way, teenagers often use this method unconsciously.
   However, in order to emerge victorious from such skirmishes, you must have one quality - awareness, the ability to be here and now... The best way to get into this state is to concentrate on any part of the body. The excitement is always in the future and never in the present. Take the button and prick your finger - this will definitely return you to "now", otherwise you risk getting out of this state and starting to react to aggression.
   For example, the boss called you to his office. Before you go to him, enter the state of "here and now" and answer him: "Yes, you are right." Then he will either immediately change his anger to mercy (because it is important for him that everyone admits that he is right), or after 2-3 such meetings (he will understand that he will not receive energy from you).
2. This method is great for dealing with unpleasant people on the internet... When you receive some nasty message, the best solution is take a break... Don't answer as long as your emotions calm down. As a rule, a day is enough. And then figure out why this situation hooked you so much.
   The same method works in a company when someone is naughty or accidentally unsuccessfully joked at you. You shut up, take a break, step back, or silently look away and ignore. The boor will not make more than three attempts to pester you - it will already look inadequate.
3. This trick also works: give yourself the opportunity show all emotionsthat this person evokes in you and allow yourself to feel right now that you are irritated and angry with him. Live all the emotions and call them by their proper names (you can speak out loud if the situation allows it, but you can also silently). Check to see if there are any others behind these feelings. There is often pain or fear hidden behind helplessness. More often than not, the emotion you named goes away and you stop feeling it. Sometimes, when a loved one attacks, if you say “you annoy me”, “your words make me angry,” he may wonder if he is doing everything right and change his strategy of behavior with you. Make it clear to the person that you are not going to communicate like that. Most often, loved ones want us good, and at the heart of close bad relationships is a conflict that you did not resolve in due time.
4. Will help sense of humor... When yelling at you, imagine the aggressor, for example, in a Winnie the Pooh costume. Have fun, mentally add new details to his image, nod, assent and do not take it seriously. If you can't do this, try to feel sorry for him. Still, he constantly lives in an atmosphere of anger, aggression, no one loves him.
5. If the boss scolds you about anything, you say “yes, you’re right,” he dies down for a minute and then you insert: “What a wonderful tie, I haven’t seen it on you before, it suits you very much” and thus breaking the script... When he falls into a stupor of surprise, say what you want: “Let's talk calmly. It is beneath my dignity to communicate in such a tone. "
6. Remember the magic phrase "may be" and start every important question with it. It will sound completely different, respectively, and the reaction of people will be different. And all because you simply give the interlocutor a choice.
7. When your personal boundaries are violated move away physically, find a reason to take a step back.
8. If uncomfortable topics are raised about which you do not want to talk with this person, or maybe with no one at all - laugh it off... Prepare at home several options for answering such questions. For example, if they ask: “Why haven't you got married yet? You are already 35 ", answer:" Yes, I would be glad, but there are no men left, whom to marry? "
9. Sometimes, when a person has said something unpleasant to you, you can give him a second chance, a chance to improve. Ask again: “What did you say?”, Only absolutely calmly, without aggression. If he understands the mistake, he will say: “Nothing important,” if he repeats it, use the described methods of reaction.

Communication techniques before and after conflict

The following communication tools will help you already not in conflict, but before or after.

• When you are alone with yourself after the conflict, explain to yourself, why is this person unpleasant to you; what qualities does he show; why you don't like them; why did you decide that such qualities should not be shown; when you realized it; whether it was related to parental or current family; what situations it was connected with; you brought it out yourself or your parents instilled it in you, etc.

What would you like to do to this person for what he did to you? Can you do this? If not, think about what is stopping you (apart from, of course, the Criminal Code). If it seems to you that you want to kill him - do not worry, this is an illusion, just emotions that overwhelm you.

• If you have to communicate with this person regularly, if this is not a colleague with whom you can reduce all communication to work issues, but, for example, a family member who lives in the next room will work great meditation method... Imagine that far, far away in a secret place there is a clearing, and in the clearing there is a well closed with a heavy cover - a well of transformation. Everything that falls there is transformed and turns into good. Invite (mentally) this unpleasant person there, discreetly open the lid and throw him there. Close the lid immediately so that it does not come out. At first he will resist, but in the end he will calm down, and you can open the lid, release him and talk to him: say everything that you feel towards him. "In fact, I want you to listen to me, so that you stop attacking me", "When you are not in my life, I can not worry about the fact that at home I will only have sarcastic comments instead of words of support" and the like.

• Another way from Gestalt therapy is look at the situation with a detachment... Choose a place in the room and put there an object or thing that will symbolize you, in another place put an object for that person, and in the third place - a symbol of someone you respect and who could be impartial. Take turns sitting in your place, speak up, then sit down in the place of the annoying person, speak up too, and in the place of the third figure and also. this way with yourself.
• You can also use one more game method... Describe the person who annoys you, out loud in as much detail as you can: why he annoys you so much, what he is, why he is unpleasant to you. Try to play it: show his gait, gestures, talk like him, copy the tilt of the head, timbre of voice, intonation. Try like him, stay with him, turn into him. You can do this in front of a mirror. Feel the atmosphere that is created around him. If you really manage to dive, you will feel the strength of this person, you will understand his motives. Think about how this energy can be useful to you.
• Think that the person annoying you annoys not everyone... For example, an annoying coworker might be a gentle mom, while a grumpy neighbor might be a devoted friend. Analyze what good qualities he might have. Also, do not forget that the person may have some problems that are completely unrelated to you.

Your job is to stop experiencing emotions that are painful to you. Never stoop to responding with aggression to aggression. Your main tools are dignity, calmness and restraint.

Remember: what we don't like in people is necessarily present in ourselves. And most of all are annoying people who are similar to us in some way and those who express the qualities that we have crushed in ourselves.

And when answering people annoying you, do not forget that it is more important how you answer, with what intonation, and not what words you pronounce specifically. It is necessary to use the means of communication competently.