How children are buried. For the faint of heart to watch

Each Irish cemetery has a small area dedicated to children (in Dublin, for example, it is called very poetically - Angel's Corner). Children of completely different ages are buried on them - from stillborn to school years.

I love cemeteries, I love to walk on them. Traveled half the world,. It's time for Ireland. It's time for children.
There are already and still no Celtic crosses adorning adult tombstones. Here is the stone Winnie the Pooh instead. Their graves are strewn with toys, rugby swords, Volodya Ulyanov-style angels and Manchester United pennants.

Just in the area of ​​Konemara (which until the last days was only an incomprehensible word in the work of Splin), a completely wonderful children's cemetery with the necessary oppressive feeling. And of course the central statue with the hearts leading to it on the ground ...

And this is already a cemetery in Tullamore: (not so impressive, of course, it was not easy to shoot because of the graves close to each other)

And a very rich children's cemetery at Galway. The children's area here sparkles with "splendor".
Here such graves are erected either to the Armenians or to the lads. And here all the best for children!

although there are also "abandoned" areas

One section of the cemetery is made like a children's playground with toys left on it ...

in the "children's style" decoration and some adult graves

The story of the barrels with the remains of human fruits discovered in the Urals highlights several unresolved problems at once - both ethical and legal. I don't really want to discuss this gloomy topic, but if you do not discuss it, then you have to deal with discarded barrels of mummified infant remains.

Class B biological waste

The investigating authorities did not find any crime in the case of 251 human fetuses dumped in a ravine near Nevyansk. Fruits are not people, their legal status is like a cut out appendix. The terminology in which there is a public discussion of the history of barrels is almost worse than the barrels themselves filled with dead people: "medical waste", "biomaterial", "class B biological waste", or even just "waste". Class B is hazardous waste, potentially infectious and subject to compulsory incineration; SanPiN 2.1.7.728-99 regulates this process for medical waste.

As a rule, hospital departments conclude contracts with special organizations that take out medical waste for "thermal neutralization" and "disposal at a landfill." Simply put, they are burned in incinerators and the ashes are taken to a landfill. So from the point of view of the law, only sanitary rules were violated near Nevyansk. "Rossiyskaya Gazeta" concludes the text about the Ural find as follows: "Experts believe that in this case it is inappropriate to talk about ethics, except perhaps about ecology and environmental pollution."

However, in our society there is a fairly large proportion of people who believe that ethics should be discussed. Yes, we are all subject to the law. The law is based on scientific concepts and considers the fetus to be human at birth for a certain period of time. The law is binding on everyone. But from conception or from birth to consider a person a person is not a subject of scientific knowledge, but of personal conviction. People who are convinced that an embryo or fetus is also a person oppose abortion and believe that throwing prematurely dead children in a landfill is blasphemous. And if the state does not provide such children with any burial, then parents who do not want to dispose of them as waste should at least be given the right to bury them on their own. However, parents often cannot do this legally.

Children are not officially considered

Since January 1, 2012, Russia has switched to the criteria of the World Health Organization, and now a child is considered not born from 28, as before, but from 22 weeks, with a weight of 500 grams (according to the Order of the Ministry of Health and Social Development No. 1687n). After this period, the child with intensive nursing can survive outside the mother's body. He is entitled to a birth certificate, and if he is born dead or dies, then a death certificate. Until that time and with less weight - not a child, but a fetus, not a birth, but a miscarriage. These children are not considered human, but "biological waste".

Their parents have the legal right to take their bodies, but a death certificate is required to bury the body. It is also needed to receive benefits: burial benefits, maternity benefits and maternity capital - so no one will write out a certificate for the burial of the fetus. In 2009, one mother (in the judicial definition - “M.”), who had problems with the burial of a child born at the 23rd week without a death certificate, even reached the Supreme Court, demanding to review the rules for issuing this document. The Supreme Court refused her (Determination of November 19, 2009 No. KAS09-525): in this case, "a document sufficient for the burial of the deceased" is an extract from the medical history. This definition is generally, it seems, the only normative document in the entire legislative framework of the country, which mentions the documentary basis for the burial of the fetus.

In practice, everything happens like this. Lyubov Kovaleva (last name changed), social worker, says: “In 1983, in Saratov, I gave birth to a long-awaited boy at 22 weeks old. He didn't survive. They gave it to me. We wrapped him in a clean diaper<…>and buried in the grave of relatives. "

Natalia Volkova, children's writer, gave birth to dead twin girls in 2004 at 25 weeks. “I immediately said that I wanted to bury the children, this is very important for me,” she recalls. - But then the doctors began to dissuade me: why, they say, you have a grave for the rest of your life to cry - forget it soon. How can you forget your own children ?! I wrote a statement asking for the bodies. I was immediately told that since my children are not officially considered children, they will not be able to bury them officially. They did not give out any papers in the maternity hospital, but they gave the phone number of the morgue of the Morozov hospital, where the girls were taken. We called there, talked to the employee, he explained in detail and very kindly: what to bring with you, how to bury, so as not to arouse suspicion among the employees at the cemetery. They buried them in a box with their own hands, in the grave of my grandfather. "
It would seem that WHO standards have now been adopted, according to which the children of Lyubov, Natalia and citizen M. would have already been recognized as human beings and buried humanly. Alas, not everything is so simple. The artist Elena Moskalenko (surname has been changed) twice lost her prematurely born children, and both times she was not given the body. The first time with the old norms, the second - with the new ones, in the spring of 2012. The child, who was born in the 23rd week in a Moscow maternity hospital, had a weight of 496 grams recorded and refused to save. “I begged to try to nurture him. Then she begged me to give up the body. They told me: you have not a child, but a miscarriage, this is not a person, forget it. Probably, I had to crawl at their feet in order to be given out to bury, but I did not have enough moral strength. I will never forgive myself, ”says Elena.

Work of grief

Not all parents are ready and willing to bury their children themselves. The mother usually begins to feel the fetus as a separate being only in the fifth month, when she senses its movements. The later the date, the harder it is to lose a baby: 12 weeks and 21 is a huge difference.

And everyone experiences the loss in different ways: some destroy everything that reminds of a dead child, and try to forget him. And others need to bury and cry over the grave. Doctors in Russian maternity hospitals usually discourage taking the child for funeral. “We are now obliged to show the woman the dead child; for many, this is also a trauma, - says the doctor of the Moscow maternity hospital in a private conversation. - We do not recommend taking the body for burial, then celebrating the third day, the ninth, the fortieth day. This is an extra trauma. Don't get hung up on the mountain. "

In Russia, it is believed that showing a deceased child to a mother, and even more so giving a body for burial, is unjustified cruelty. Some mothers themselves do not want this. Larisa Klyueva (name and surname changed), a mother of two, recalls the third: “After a miscarriage in the 12th week, I did not think about this child at all and would never want to see him. I only worried if I would have more children. " Families try to save a woman who has survived a shock from unnecessary pain, so the bodies of children are usually left in the hospital, the refusal to take the body is signed without the mother, and if they are buried, also without her. The mothers, stunned by the shock, insist on nothing. According to doctors, only a few people take their stillborn children, and if we are talking about fetuses up to 22 weeks, this almost never happens.

Camilla, a psychologist working with bereavement, says: “I often encounter a situation where mothers who have not gone through the funeral phase, who have not seen the child, keep thinking back to him, thinking that he may be alive. If the child was not held in his hands, he was not seen, it is as if he is not, and the work of grief is not completed. But if we give the child the psychological right to exist, give him a name, the mother can feel better. One of my clients could not forget her miscarriage even after five years; she decided to plant a tree in memory of the child - and only from that moment the grief went on as usual, and the grief began to let her go. "

Most mothers who lost and did not mourn their children who died too early are faced with an unspoken cultural prohibition on grief: if there is no person, there is no problem, what to cry about? Forget it, you will give birth to a new one. There is no one to talk to about the departed child: people are afraid to hurt again, do not know what to say, and the mother is left alone with the burden of her grief. Some can not stand it, they begin to compose that the child is alive, only he was sold to the rich; looking for his grave, suing the hospital ...

The son of Veronica Vereiskaya (name and surname changed) died after living for 18 hours. As usual, the child was not shown to the mother, despite her requests. She almost immediately adopted a refusenik, but spent many months trying to find out what became of her son's body. Now, after 21 years of silence, Veronica is crying, telling how she was looking for him: “Most of all I was afraid that it was poured with formalin and shown to the students. Two years later, I found the pathologist in the morgue, where he was taken, and found out that he was cremated and buried in the territory of the monastery cemetery. But I have no grave to go to, and I still peer into faces on the streets and look for him. "

Farewell in Swedish

Many countries allow grieving parents to count their children as children up to 22 weeks. For example, in Sweden (generally known for its calm, accepting attitude towards death) there are officially two ways to decide the posthumous fate of the fetus, they can be conventionally called anonymous and personal. The anonymous method is the same as in Russia: cremation along with other "biological material". But there is also a personal way. In this case, a small ceremony is held in the hospital, usually with the participation of the hospital priest (most Swedes are formally considered Protestants). The child is given a name (the ceremony is called namngivning, naming), a face is photographed, a foot and a pen are made as a keepsake for the parents. To see or not to see the fruit, to give or not to give a name, whether photographs are needed or not is the choice of the parents. Usually they need all this somewhere from the fourth month of pregnancy, when the child acquires human features. But it also happens that they ask to say goodbye to the five-centimeter fruit, which in this case they keep and bring to them on a napkin. Such a farewell ceremony is sometimes held even after abortions, especially those carried out for medical reasons. The clinics employ specialists who are called “curators”: they are there precisely in order to talk to parents in a human way, to inform them about the possibility of choice, to arrange ceremonies, to establish contacts with priests (Muslims, for example, often call a mullah); contact the funeral home. However, our attitude to death is different, and the Swedish experience for Russians is more of a shock than a help.

So, about ethics

When you are looking for how to bury a deceased cat, everything is clear: there are special ritual agencies, a cat can be individually cremated for a fee and receive an urn with ashes. But when you are looking for how to bury a child born before 22 weeks, you only find SanPiNs for the disposal of medical waste. The state itself does not guarantee in this case a decent burial and does not leave the family a choice. There is no legal and understandable alternative to hospital disposal. And society can only help the mother with a “forget it” recommendation.

It's easier for everyone: to pretend that these children are not at all and never have been. Carry away, hide, burn, forget, do not see at close range. Pretend that the story of the notorious barrels is all about sanitation. Yes, but only in matters of mental sanitation: first of all, for us, the living, it is mentally unsanitary to throw our dead into the trash, from this comes the general gangrene of the whole society. Although the dead probably don't care.

Parents can only pray for the reassurance of their souls.

From a general human point of view, a woman who was expecting and carrying a child should have the right to bury him if he was born stillborn. At the same time, his funeral service is impossible. This is how Yevgeny Bronsky, head of the press service of the Pyatigorsk and Circassian dioceses, commented on the situation with the discovery of a mass grave of stillborn children to a REGNUM correspondent.

“A funeral service, like any other liturgical act, is possible only over a baptized person. After all, baptism does not happen mechanically. The child has spiritual parents and is expected to be raised as a Christian. In a situation with stillborn children, this is obviously impossible, ”he said.

“Therefore, parents can only bury the child and pray,” added a church spokesman.

One of the activists of Stavropol came up with a proposal to hold a funeral service for stillborn babies for 40 days.

According to the church canons, published on one of the sites of funeral services, “you cannot perform a funeral service in a temple for a stillborn baby killed in the womb of a mother. For calming the souls of unbaptized people, only their relatives can turn their prayers to God at home (in private). "

In discussing this topic on one of the forums dedicated to motherhood and childhood, one of the women writes: “Until 7 years old, holy and pure! I learned this recently, you need to bury, you can’t sing the funeral service. But there is a prayer for the stillborn and the dead in the womb. It is possible and necessary to bury ”.

Another woman advises to turn to a clergyman to receive a prayer: “Turn to the priest, he will give you a prayer that will need to be read to you as a mother. It is possible and even necessary to bury - after all, a person's soul is formed not from the weeks of pregnancy, but from the very conception, so he was a full-fledged person and he has the right to a decent funeral. "

At the same time, according to the order of the Ministry of Health of the Russian Federation, if a child was born stillborn before 22 weeks of pregnancy, then a certificate of perinatal death is not issued to the local registry offices, on the basis of which the registry office draws up a death certificate and issues it to the child's parents.

Within three days from the date of death, parents have the right to claim the body and bury the body on their own. The morgue is obliged to hand over the body for burial within two days from the moment of the parents' appeal. The procedure for burying a stillborn child after 196 days of pregnancy does not differ from other burials.

If, within seven days, none of the parents went to the morgue to pick up the body, the state automatically assumes the obligation of burial. In this case, no documents are drawn up by the parents. The hospital must enter into a contract with a contractor who handles the burial.

Recall that the Ministry of Health and the Investigative Committee of the Russian Federation are investigating the circumstances of the mass burial at the Resurrection cemetery in the city of Stavropol of 13 children who were born dead in 2014-2015. The names of the children are marked on the graves, different dates of birth and one "date of death" are indicated - October 2, 2015.

According to the head of the regional Ministry of Health Viktor Mazharov, on October 2, 2015, the funeral services enterprise buried 13 bodies of stillborn children not claimed by their parents. The bodies came from the pathological departments of medical institutions after autopsy and histological examinations.

According to the minister, in the documentation of the funeral services enterprise and medical institutions, the dates of birth and death of the dead are the same. However, on the cemetery tablets, instead of the date of death, the date of burial is erroneously indicated. An official investigation is underway on this fact.

This event caused a serious public outcry. Regional public activists and deputies had many questions related to possible violations of the law during the burial of stillborn children. Federal deputies and senators also demanded to conduct a serious investigation.

Details:

One of the most serious challenges in a person's life can be the funeral of children. Not all families have to go through this test. The grief of those who are forced to see off their child on the last journey is difficult to describe in words.

Stillborn Rights

The burial of children who have lived for some time after birth and older children usually do not raise questions. A newborn, younger preschooler or adolescent is buried in the same way as an adult. The age of the deceased is emphasized with special attributes: wreaths with blue (for boys) or pink (for girls) ribbons, images of angels, soft toys, etc. Children's coffins are painted in light shades. At the same time, children's funeral paraphernalia is optional. This is more a tribute to secular traditions than necessary elements of a sad event.

The burial of a stillborn raises many more questions. Many parents mistakenly believe that babies who die in the womb or at birth should not be buried.

According to the current legislation, a child from the 197th day from conception is considered a full citizen.

If the unborn managed to live to this age and died in the mother's womb, he should be buried in accordance with religious traditions and state laws.

The parents of the deceased need to know that if they bury the stillborn, the child's funeral must be partially paid by the state.

The child is entitled to a free place in the cemetery and to receive some funeral services free of charge.

Since stillbirths are in the benefit category, Mom and Dad can receive burial allowance based on a death certificate.

Who should bury?

1. Parents or other relatives. The body of a stillborn or newborn can be kept free of charge in the morgue for 7 days. It is recommended to pick up the remains after 2 or 3 days. During this time, an autopsy will be performed to establish the cause of death. The father and mother or other relatives of the deceased can bury him at their own expense and then apply for compensation. If, for some reason, relatives are not able to organize the burial on their own, you can entrust the child's funeral to a ritual agency. Often, after the death of a long-awaited son or daughter, parents are in a difficult emotional state, which prevents them from resolving issues related to the burial.
2. Medical institution. Sometimes the parents refuse to take the baby's body. Mom and dad can be motivated not only by a desire to save money or a difficult financial situation, but also by deep despair, refusal to see their child dead, etc. In this case, the burial is carried out from a medical institution (maternity hospital), which turns to the funeral home. Children's funerals are taken over by specialized city services that provide funeral services. The father and mother must sign an autopsy agreement. Within 3 days after establishing the cause of death, the baby must be buried.

Religious aspect

There are many signs and superstitions among the people associated with the death of a child or stillborn, for example:

1. An infant who dies and is buried before baptism will not be able to enter paradise. The clergy do not give this superstition an unequivocal refutation. But most likely this is not true. A newborn or death in the womb is completely sinless. He cannot be rejected by God only because, due to circumstances beyond his and his parents' control, he did not manage to undergo the sacrament of baptism.
2. A child who dies at an early age will lead his parents to paradise on the Day of Judgment. This is the view taken by Muslims. Jews and Christians believe that each person will be held accountable for their sins to the fullest extent. Children who die before puberty will not be a pass to paradise for father and mother. Probably, Muslims who are not distinguished by righteousness will also not be able to achieve eternal bliss, even if they lost a son or daughter during their lifetime.
3. The souls of young children turn into fairies or butterflies. Some people also believe that the deceased child will return to mom and dad in a new body, that is, reborn in his own brother or sister. These superstitions are widespread among Christians. They have pagan roots. All monotheistic religions completely reject reincarnation (the rebirth of the soul in another body) and believe that each person can have only 1 life. Pagan superstitions are unacceptable to a Christian. They must be discarded.

From the funeral of children who died in the womb or at birth, parents return disappointed in life. Often, after the death of a child, spouses feel a chill in their relationship. The death of a baby leads to divorce. However, the misfortune that befell the parents should not be a reason for separation. If a man and a woman truly love each other, difficulties only bring their union together.

The funeral of children is a difficult psychological test for parents, relatives and friends. It is important for the bereaved to carry out their last journey with dignity, showing love and pain at the same time. The organization of a mournful event has nuances, requires attention to detail and solving bureaucratic difficulties with paperwork.

Death does not choose the time and place; it can take the baby, plunging the parents into eternal grief and suffering. After the news of the loss, the family has 2 days to prepare for the funeral event. The burial of younger and older children is no different from the funeral of an adult. All sorts of paraphernalia are used to emphasize the young age: blue ribbons are attached to the wreaths of boys, girls are decorated with pink ones. Angels and toys can be fixed around the circumference of the wreaths.

Parents choose light-colored coffins to emphasize the purity and innocence of the deceased.

Many nuances arise during the funeral of stillborn children. Parents are taught that an infant who dies in the womb or during childbirth does not require burial. The legislation of the Russian Federation states that from the 197th day from the moment of conception, the baby is recognized as a full citizen of the country.

Funeral organization

Children are a valuable gift in life, it is difficult to convey the pain that parents experience when they lose their son or daughter. In such a situation, it is recommended to find someone with organizational qualities to prepare the farewell ceremony.

He is in charge of paperwork, choosing a coffin and thinking through the details of the farewell ceremony. The organization of the funeral depends on the age of the child.

Stillborn

In the matter of the funeral of those born dead, the main thing should be known: until 28 weeks of pregnancy, the fetus is not considered fully developed, has no civil rights. His body is not handed over to his parents; the hospital is involved in the burial process.

If babies are stillborn after 28 weeks, they are sent for autopsy, and after the cause of death is established, they are given to relatives.

The stillborn are included in the preferential category, which gives the right to receive a free place in the cemetery and funeral services. After receiving the death certificate in the maternity hospital, an allowance is issued.

Things and attributes for the funeral are chosen in accordance with the size of the body. The coffin must meet the wishes of the parents. To create an original model, it is better to contact specialized companies. Craftsmen can create a coffin with four, six or eight corners, in the form of a cradle, crib. The color can be beige, white, pastel shades. It is allowed to put things in the coffin: a toy, a dummy.

Children who died during childbirth or in the womb are buried, without a funeral service. The priest at the funeral will not perform the ceremony if the baby was not baptized during his lifetime. You cannot forbid parents to pray for the soul of the deceased.

It is recommended to choose the grave in the place of the family burial. If the mother died while giving birth to the baby, they are put next to them. At a funeral, only the mother is buried if she was baptized. This helps the souls of children to find peace in the afterlife.

Newborn baby

When a living child is born and his subsequent death, the funeral is carried out according to the same rules as in the case of any citizen of the country. An autopsy is mandatory. After establishing the cause of death, relatives can take the body for burial.

The funeral of an infant is carried out no later than 2-3 days after death. The law provides for the possibility of the next of kin to pick up the body and engage in the burial procedure if the mother is not discharged from the maternity ward due to poor physical or psychological health. The funeral event can be held without parents. To fulfill legal formalities, a death certificate is issued from the registry office.

In the absence of relatives and the serious condition of a woman, the law requires the hospital to store the body until the mother is discharged and buried.

You can dress children in things prepared for discharge, or in those that have time to be vilified. Special envelopes are sold in salons of funeral services. They put on caps and hats on their heads.

The coffin is usually chosen in a small, light shade. There are no restrictions and rules for the choice of color and shape. You can choose with bows, ruffles, other decorations.

Those who have undergone the ritual of baptism at the funeral service. This can be done in a church or by inviting a priest to your home. Unbaptized according to the law of Orthodoxy are buried without a funeral service.

Child

There are no special rules for organizing a funeral. Everything goes on as in the burial of adults. The process follows the same stages.

For the legal registration of the deceased, a death certificate is required, which is issued after an autopsy in the morgue. With this document, you can go to the cemetery to purchase a place for the grave. Then attributes are acquired: a coffin, wreaths, dressing.

For the funeral of children, coffins are chosen in different shapes and colors. For girls, they can be embroidered with bows, for boys - with embroidery, ruffles. The appearance of the coffin is important only for parents and relatives, the church does not attach importance to this issue. You can put personal belongings, favorite toys, icons in the coffin.

If the baby was baptized during his lifetime, according to the rules of the Orthodox faith, a funeral service is held on day 3. During the ceremony, those present stand with lit candles, the priest says prayers. A note with the text of a prayer of permission is put into the hand. After the end of the procession, a farewell is held and a funeral is held.

How a newborn baby is buried

Medicine is constantly evolving, but still children are born who die immediately after childbirth or within a short period. It is allowed to organize a funeral according to the law of the Russian Federation if the baby was born later than 28 weeks from the moment of conception and weighed more than a kilogram.

The law provides for two options for the development of events. In the first case, the body is taken away by relatives after an autopsy.

It is allowed to store the dead in the morgue for up to 7 days free of charge. The funeral is carried out at their own expense, after receiving the necessary documents, an application for reimbursement of expenses is submitted.

If relatives cannot independently organize the burial, the matter can be entrusted to a ritual agency. Experts will take into account all the details and organize the process. Often, people who have lost their children are unable to make decisions due to a difficult emotional state.
If the death occurred during childbirth, and the parents refuse to take the body, the funeral is carried out by a medical institution. In this case, babies from the maternity hospital are buried; a special bureau is involved in the organization.

The financial side is handled by government agencies. Written permission for the autopsy is taken from the parents. Abandoned deceased children, orphans can be cremated. Then the ashes are stored for up to 1 year, after which they are buried with other unclaimed remains.

The religious aspect of the funeral

A family that has lost a child should have the opportunity to hold a funeral according to all the rules and traditions. This is a tribute to great memory and love. But one should take into account aspects related to the Orthodox faith.

The church has no right to hold a funeral service for an unbaptized person. Those who died in the womb or during childbirth, who did not have time to undergo the rite of baptism, are buried without the participation of clergy. After the funeral, parents are allowed to say prayers for the repose of their souls at home. Holy Scripture says that baptism is an indispensable condition for entering the Kingdom of Heaven.

The unbaptized do not go to hell, they remain in an intermediate state.

The organization of the funeral of an infant who has managed to undergo a baptismal ceremony is carried out with a mandatory funeral service. All Christian customs are observed in the ceremony. In this case, the souls of children are mentioned in all rituals performed on the 3rd, 9th and 40th days.

It is forbidden to secretly baptize the dead, this is a violation of the laws of the church. You cannot put someone else's cross in the coffin, it will not help the soul to enter the gates of paradise.

The loss of a child is a tragedy. She brings unbearable pain and despair to her parents. The organization of the funeral should be handled by an outside person, preferably from a ritual organization, who will take care of the correct preparation of the grave, coffin, and draw up documents without involving parents. This will protect the mother from unnecessary shocks, will give time to say goodbye to the baby.