I hate my child, what should I do? I have to love my child or die, because there are no places on earth like me.

Veronika Khlebova, psychologist:  Received such a letter:

“I hate my son, I do not just hate him, but I hate with all my heart.
  He is 14 years old; he studies poorly from the first grade; constantly behaving badly, snarls with teachers, breaks lessons, sends everyone in three letters (teachers).
  He steals, not only at home, but at school, he said that he would not study ...
  We are constantly asked to sit at home, because it’s impossible to do homework.
  And it began in kindergarten, at first he behaved badly, and at school it became much worse. "

The query "I hate my child" is popular in search engines, this is not uncommon. Many mothers, alone or in the system, face inability .... accept the dissimilarity of another person, in this case - his own son. All this stems from the fact that the mother herself once experienced this experience - when her parents could not accept her for who she is. It is very likely that they demanded from her to be obedient, hardworking; they wanted her to be honest, silent, educated ... In general, they wanted an angel, not a living child.

And in general, they waited for her to demonstrate to the world with her exemplary responsive behavior: we are good parents, since we brought up such a person pleasant to all. However, a living child somehow deviates from a given image - at least with its weakness, inability to achieve something, not to mention the fact that he may be in a bad mood and not want something.

All these undesirable phenomena can be cut off by threatening the child with excommunication from love. And the more a child grows in a more authoritarian system, the more intolerance towards him is, the more likely it is that the child will be forced to adjust.

But does he have a way out?

• To lose parental love is tantamount to death, therefore, it seems the best way out is to suppress oneself, one's desires and needs, having received the right to live in a family relatively safely.

This security is indeed relative, because new situations bring new challenges, and you need to sensitively keep your nose in the wind - i.e. constantly look at the parents, at their reaction, in order to clarify for themselves: “Am I doing the right thing?” Only the experience of intolerance experienced in childhood makes it so frantic to build a living, native creature under unrealistic expectations ... And only the experience of our own suffering from the hourly suppressing oneself - real, natural - makes one hate his own child because he is trying, by hook or by crook, to save his identity from remaking ... In war, as in war ...

And yet it is worth recognizing that if the child does not become neurotic, i.e. If he doesn’t embed himself in the proposed picture for the sake of significant people, it means that he already has the resource to withstand his “badness”.

And this is ... the merit of the mother, perhaps the father, or another person who enters the inner world of the child.

• A neurotic child has no chance of being "bad," because this is fraught with intolerable consequences for him; "Bad" is already able to withstand the discontent of the mother, albeit with the heaviest losses for themselves. And this means that in some form he was accepted in his imperfection.

What losses does the child suffer?

If he already felt displeasure in his mother’s kindergarten, then internally he considers himself a scoundrel, a bastard, causing only misfortune ...

A person who has received an injury of dislike cannot give back love.

He can pretend that he loves, he can play, imitate, but it is difficult for him to love, because he does not love himself. At the same time, he learns a message from the world (and the mother in early childhood for the child is Peace) that he is dangerous, unhappy with him, and wants someone else - good - instead of him, bad. He is an outcast, persona non grata. And then it seems to such a person that everyone is attacking him, and is desperately defending himself. This is exactly what is happening now with him at school.

• Such a person in any close relationship will feel threatened, will avoid them, or, on the contrary, will suppress his partner in order to better control his anxiety - after all, in his picture of the world, the partner will hurt him sooner or later ...

In general, everything will happen again. And the mother, in addition to the “inheritance” - an adjustment-herself-under the angel, which she received and involuntarily reproduced with her own child, also has an unconscious anger at him - she once had to obey, and he, such a wretch, rests does not want ...Adopting a child as he is without trying to correct him to his ideal is possible in only one way.... To recall the tragedy of her own childhood and, in relation to the figures who crippled her from the past, to do the same thing that her son is doing now - send them to hell with their unrealizable fantasies about themselves ...

Remember what she wanted, and not these big uncles and aunts ...

And, finally, to allow yourself something that it was impossible to think about - not to correspond to someone else's ideals (all the more so since in fact this is the case anyway). This requires a courageous recognition of their responsibility for what is happening with their son, and recognition of the responsibility of other people for what they did to her once. This will require a painful revision of her views and experience of past suffering, but in another way she will not be able to “meet” with her child.

“No freedom is possible ... where there is a lack of consciousness.
  Paradoxically, consciousness usually comes with the experience of suffering; Well, the flight from suffering is the reason why we often prefer to stay in cramped, but such familiar old shoes ....
  But ... suffering is the first clue that says that something in the depths of us appeals to our attention, seeking healing. ”  (J.Hollis)

At thirty-one, she gave birth to a desired child. Since the appearance of the notorious “two stripes” on the test, it has “strengthened” internally - yes, right now this, current stage of my life has already outlived itself, has become empty and meaningless.

   There is also a private apartment, stable, albeit low-income, but work. YES. "Stripes" - in time. Yes. Right now I need a son. The girl was not even considered, and did not even occur to her as if my child was only a boy.
He was born a month earlier, which is what Caesarean wanted for me. Kesarevo, as the only way of procreation, was considered by me as early as six or seven years.
She always despised children — kryvlyak, crowbar, crybaby, bouncers, sissies, and with other character traits. Friends, and without such garbage, was enough. My- did not fail. Serious little man. All on the topic. Laughter, so until I drop, tears means "edge already" ..
She loved him to the point of insanity, at night she could watch and think, “how happy I am !!! Right now, while his serious potato is sniffing, and his face is smiling at something his own, understandable and joyful” .. English, fork for which there was enough money . The sea is every summer, and God bless him, that "a year is teeth on a shelf" ..
With irritation, she began to notice the first signs of growing up - all these pigmentations of the genitals, later - hair growth. I make peace. Yes, nature ... And happiness began to flow away, evaporate .. Out of mind- "yes, what is there, for another year (eight ... seven ... five ...) he will be my, beloved little boy, there is still time !! It seems that there is very little of it left, and a lazy, inert, bazaar creature lives next to me, who knows nothing, and, most importantly, who DO NOT WISH to do.
Summer job? What for? No money? Well ..... and I will not eat !!!
-Remove finally your mess? What for? Do not go there! This is MY table, what I want, I’m throwing it! When did you say to remove it? A month ago? No, not a month, but xx days, ..... (and the dumb bazaar babp chatter begins "you were not worth it")
-Remove street clothes and not on the floor, but in a hack, on a coat hanger? What for?
-Mom, why did you take my socks? Where are you doing?
-shave and brush your teeth? BUT I DO NOT WANT. Teeth are treated according to the policy!
I HATE HIM!!! I AM A PERSON, I AM A PERSONALITY, AND I HAVE TO SPREAD MY OWN LIFE, ITS INTELLIGENCE FOR SIMILAR "DISASSEMBLIES", SENSE AND INFINITE CLEANING ... I LIVE TO MAKE IT WITHOUT SUCCESSFULLY in the form of his deuces by "not specified", or "already-made-myself-without-you-know!" lessons .. I HAVE TO LISTEN TO "A-TA-TA" FROM CLASS, MISSION ...
I HATE HIM. An occupier has settled in my apartment, who spoils my things, lives as he pleases, and I am his slave ... a creature created for his proper functioning. Where is my happiness, my years go away, and I forgot when I laughed .. I just stupidly look for arguments in response to the banal "assaults" - like- "why you can’t throw the school-bought and smoothed out MY school uniform on the floor, and then walk in the dirty and or why it’s impossible to disassemble and grease the rollers right on the couch? Or where I again hid his socks. Or why he is obliged to go to this idiotic school ... And why work at all if money (apparently) should always be. And this " always "- me!

A child is the most valuable thing in the life of every parent. All moms and dads love their children, and this   love is unconditional.

Of course, in some situations, parents may experience anger or other negative emotions in relation to their own child.

This is natural, because we are all people with our emotions, both positive and negative. However, if this situation becomes permanent, you need to understand yourself, understand why this is happening.

This will help in time to take the necessary measures and restore good relations in the family. Sometimes this can be done independently, but for some parents psychologist cannot do without the help of a specialist.

How to love your child if he is annoying? will help you!

Hatred of children in psychiatry

Hatred- one of the strongest emotions that a person can experience.

She is characterized by her negative coloring, expresses an open and strong hostility to anyone.

Hatred is characterized by manifestations such as rejection, denial, hostility. As a rule, this attitude develops gradually, and not at one time.

For the appearance of hatred, an irritating factor is needed that violates the comfort and tranquility of a person for a long period of time.

Unfortunately, sometimes children become an object of hatred. Baby, by virtue of his age, needs constant attention and help from parents. However, he can not always control his behavior, especially when it comes to.

Constant pranks, or just a demand for attention from parents, is a kind of irritant that violates the comfort of mom or dad.

This leads to negative emotions, and many parents cannot hide them, letting hatred openly manifest. This is especially true for impressionable, expressive people who cannot hold their own feelings in themselves.

It’s important not to confuse hatred of children with tiredness.

A small person is always mobile, active, adults, after a hard day's work, want peace.

But, if the family has a small family member, enjoy the peace and quiet is unlikely to succeed.

The kid constantly requires parental attention, he needs joint games or activities. This leads to the appearance of negative, which is associated precisely with fatigue.

A distinctive feature of such an emotion is her short durationwhen a tired mother rests a little, there will be no trace of irritation and anger at her own child.

Recently, a phenomenon such as childfree(freedom from children). Young people of childbearing age consciously refuse, citing the fact that offspring will become an obstacle to a full life.

Such people have no maternal instinct, although they are completely healthy psychologically. Often they reach certain heights in their careers, they are erudite, self-sufficient.

Despite their negative attitude towards children, such people   do not show aggression to themtrying to just avoid contact with them.

Causes

If negative emotions towards the baby occur on an ongoing basis,   you need to figure it out, find out the reasons  which led to this situation.

Why is a little kid annoying?

When a newborn appears in the family, all familiar   lifestyle changes, because the baby needs a lot of parental attention and care, sometimes parents devote the crumbs all their time.

It turns around chronic fatigue stress. The main cause of irritability towards a new family member is the condition that is characteristic of many young mothers.

During this period, the woman is often in; she is annoyed not only by her own child, but also by everyone around her.

Other causes of irritability  are:

1. Lack of proper sleep, violation of the regime when the mother has to wake up several times at night to feed the baby.
2. Frequent crying of crumbs (for example, when something hurts him, or he just requires maternal attention).
3. The lack of free time that a woman used to devote to her favorite pastimes.
4. Possible problems in the family, tensions with her husband.
5. Lack of social life (young mothers rarely meet with friends, visit public places).

If we are talking about children of the first year of life who are gradually mastering the skill of movement, the cause of parents' irritability becomes increased activity  young researcher, the need to follow him all the time, not being distracted by anything.

At the same time, the woman should also be engaged in household chores. This leads to chronic fatigue, bad mood, development of irritability.

Why are other people's children enraged?

Most often, the object of irritation is not one's own, but another's child. There are a number of reasons for this:

How to deal with the problem?

First of all, it is necessary to accept the problem, to realize that it is really exists.  After this, it is necessary to find out the cause of this emotional state.

Often, hatred of children develops as a result of health problems. It is necessary to undergo a comprehensive examination (consult a psychologist, a neuropathologist, take tests for hormone levels).

After that it is necessary build friendships with the baby. In the early stages, you may have to force yourself to communicate with him. You need to pay attention to the baby, for starters, just go up and hug a kiss to the baby.

Of course, at first it will be difficult, but then, as you get used to it, the situation will no longer seem so hopeless.

You will understand that to communicate with your own child - pleasant occupation.

Perhaps hatred arose as the consequence of their own resentment against their parents, and parental heat in childhood.

In this case, you need to remember and relive this situation, and after that mentally forgive your parents.

Forgiveness in this case will bring emotional calm and relief, and communication with your own baby will become easier and more enjoyable.

I hate my offspring: what to do?

Why is annoying your own child? There are a lot of reasons for the appearance of negative emotions for one's own child, and each factor has its own factors.

So, when it comes to children of the first year of life, irritation develops as a result of increased activity of children who disturb the peace of parents, take away all their free time.

In school children, certain performance problems  in an educational institution.

Each parent wants to be proud of the successes of his child, and if he does not meet expectations, this can also provoke hostility.

When it comes to, hatred often comes from factors such as disrespect for parents and non-compliance with their requirements.

In some cases, this asocial or criminal behavior  (, fights, alcohol or drugs).

Patience of parents is not unlimited, and unacceptable behavior of a teenager leads to a loss of confidence,   negative  from parents.

If your own child is annoying, in no case can you deny the existence of a problem.   It is necessary to accept this situation.

It is important to tell yourself that this is your dearest person, and you want to love him and receive reciprocal love.

Try to communicate as much as possible, not forgetting devote time to your own hobbies.

You can’t devote all your time to crumbs, this will only aggravate the situation, lead to chronic fatigue and even greater hostility. Be sure to take the time to chat with friends, attend events, or just to relax.

Newborn tends to cry. With the help of crying, he expresses his condition (because in a different way he still does not know how to do it). Many parents are annoyed by constant crying.

The only way out in this situation is have patience  and try to calm the baby. Perhaps he is hungry or in pain. Or it just requires maternal attention.

There is such a situation when, after the appearance of a newborn in the family, older children begin to cause hostility.

Most often, this happens for a reason changes in the behavior of an older child.

After all, he thinks that after the appearance of the younger, the parents will begin to love him less, and with his bad behavior, he tries to attract the attention of his mother.

In this case, you need to talk with the child, explain to him that the birth of a brother or sister   in no way affect the attitude towards him, just the baby requires more parental attention, because he still does not know how to take care of himself.

At the same time, it is important to devote at least a small amount of time a day only to an older person, to conduct joint classes, games, and watch favorite films.

Hatred of children - destructive feelingthat can bring serious discord to the family. Therefore, it is necessary to fight it. You can cope with the situation, for this you need:

• accept the problem;
• voice the desire to cope with the situation;
• turn to specialists, follow their recommendations;
• communicate with the baby, spend time with him;
• relax, engage in their own hobbies.

How to overcome irritation to the children of a husband or wife?

Adopting someone else’s child is not easy, however, situations arise when it is necessary.

Often child spouse from first marriage   causes only unpleasant emotions. Especially if he is with you constantly.

Reasonsthe following factors can act as hatred:

• jealousy for the former second half of your husband or wife;
• disobedience of another's baby;
• behavioral disorders.

For the baby, this situation is also stressful, because a new person appears in his family, which he needs to get used to. But he does not want this. As a result, a protest is forming.

What to do in such a situation? First of all, give the baby time to get used to you. After that   try to build with him, if not friendly, then at least acceptable and mutually beneficial relations.

Over time, he realizes the situation, will understand that peace and tranquility in his new family are much better than constant quarrels and reproaches.

Try to communicate with the baby, give him unobtrusive advice, help to deal with his problems. Then baby will start to trust you, be more friendly, and you will answer him the same.

Dealing with hatred is not always easy, especially if this negative emotion arises in relation to loved ones. But still, the problem must be solved.

When there is a negative for your own baby, it is important to realize the problem, make every effort to get rid of destructive feelings. Need to tune in a positive way, accept it as it is, with all its shortcomings.

And only after that you can build a warm relationship with him, get rid of irritability and anger. This will bring relief not only to your baby, but also to you personally.

Why is your own child annoying? Psychologist's opinion:

The phrase “I hate my child” evokes condemnation in society. How can you hate children, especially relatives, hard-earned ones? Unfortunately, you can. Under certain circumstances, a woman does not wake up maternal instinct. Such mothers often morally destroy and even cripple their own children. Next, we will try to understand why this happens and what needs to be done in such a situation.

Hatred and Postpartum Depression

You will be surprised, but 13% of women can make such a diagnosis, but in practice, no more than 3% of them turn to a specialist. Households and the patient herself often take postpartum depression for personal negative traits. However, it is a disease that can progress without treatment. According to ICD-10, postnatal (postpartum) depression develops within 6 weeks after birth and is manifested by the following symptoms:

A woman who is depressed may not perceive the baby at all, if he is quiet and calm, not approach him, refuse to breast-feed. Another manifestation of the disease is irritability and outbreaks of aggression towards the baby. Most often, hatred appears for children who are anxious, cry and scream a lot.

Women with an unstable psyche, with a history of mental illness, living or living in a family where violence is acceptable, are more likely to experience postpartum depression. Other significant factors are: unbearable living conditions, lack of support and help, a sharp decrease in sex hormones, dissatisfaction with one’s appearance.

Childfree

Literally, childfree translates as "freedom from children." This is an ideology characterized by a conscious reluctance to have children, in no way associated with infertility. People referring to childfree explain their attitude as follows:

The phenomenon of childfree is explained by the oppression of sexual and reproductive behavior. The instinct of reproduction, motherhood, is alien to these people. Mentally childfree are quite healthy, often reach heights in their careers, differ in erudition, self-sufficiency, poise. They do not resort to physical reprisal, do not rape or kill children, on the contrary, in every possible way avoid contact with them. In general, all that childfree can be blamed for is the blasphemous phrase "I hate pregnant women and children."

Hatred of older children

It so happens that parents begin to hate their child when he becomes an adult. Most often this is facilitated by the evil deeds of the child, less often - not justified hopes. For example, a woman may say “I hate my daughter” if, instead of using her talent as an opera singer, she went to elite prostitutes or if she didn’t take place as a mother and abandoned her children. The most common causes of hatred of adult and teenage children:

• change of orientation, gender;
• drug addiction, alcoholism;
• disrespect for parents, lies, the use of force, theft;
• commission of a serious crime (pedophilia, murder, etc.).

In these cases, hatred of the child does not appear spontaneously, it matures for a long time. Despite the blood ties, not all parents are endowed with angelic patience and may experience forgiving love. Such people usually have conservative views. Hatred reaches its climax with other adverse factors: illness, loneliness, difficult financial situation, menopause in women.

Hatred of foster children

Adopt a non-native child in the family, especially with disabilities, few can. And even with all the seemingly readiness, there is a risk one day to come to the thought "I hate my adopted child." It is always easier to raise blood children, if only because heredity is not burdened.

Most adoptive parents in a difficult situation think about whether to give the baby back to the shelter. First of all, I would like to advise you not to rush. It is necessary to do everything possible and impossible to establish warm relations, otherwise remorse will torment until the end of days. What can be done:

And, of course, adoptive parents need to do less digging. They must remember that they have done a good deed. At the same time, he loves children as their own or not, the second thing. The main thing is that the child sees a good example, is brought up in a friendly atmosphere, has no need and is not subjected to bullying.

Hate for spouse children

Many women are not ready to accept the husband’s past life; they hate their former spouse and children. This happens especially often if a man regularly participates in their lives. Then the legal spouse thinks: “How is it, he devotes so much time to the old family, and me? Am I better? Maybe he is trying to sit on two chairs or even wants to return to them. "

It also happens that the former actively intrigues, sets up her child against the new father's family. But it is fair to say that even without mother’s advice, children often harm their stepmother or stepfather in the hope of reuniting their beloved parents.

What to do? Before shouting “I hate my husband’s child from his first marriage”, a woman needs to remember that she herself chose a man with a “trailer”. Hence all the ensuing problems. In order to somehow smooth out the situation, you should:

• do not forbid a man to communicate with his children;
• never talk bad about them, and especially “I hate your children”;
• explain to the children that you are not applying for the role of a mother, but only a friend;
• give his children time;
• a rebellious child should be treated condescendingly, but not allowed to violate the bounds of decency.

In extreme cases, you can completely limit contact with his children. He can spend time with them, communicate, walk, but without your participation. The situation may change over time.

Hate in difficult life circumstances

It is difficult for a woman who is unhappy to experience positive emotions and show warm feelings for anyone. Rather, on the contrary, internal negativity, a feeling of dissatisfaction, irritation from one's own powerlessness can result in hatred for your child. What circumstances can this be:

Together with personal characteristics, such problems can result in the oppression of their own children. To a greater extent, such behavior is prone to women who are emotionally dry, for whom love manifests itself in material things. For lack of opportunities for its manifestation, they begin to hate themselves, and then their child.

What to do?

First of all, a woman needs to ask: “Why do I hate children?”. This is very important, because hatred is always only a consequence. To get rid of this painful feeling, you need to eliminate its cause. For example, to cure depression or improve material well-being, work out personality problems, learn how to interact and accept children, and overcome fear and guilt.

One must be prepared for the fact that the problem cannot be resolved in three counts. You have a long and hard work. But it’s hard only at first. As you get rid of hatred, the pleasure of contact with a child will increase, warm feelings and pride for oneself will appear. Of course, it is better to carry out such work with a family psychologist. But you can do something yourself, for example, read books on child psychology and start taking sedatives.

If you hate a child and cannot control aggression, show violence, and do not want to work on yourself, then you should choose the lesser of two evils. In some cases, it is advisable to give the baby upbringing to her husband from her first marriage, to her grandmother or to a foster family.

They say that from love to hate is one step, as well as vice versa. Does this apply to children? And what is love in general? Love is when you look at your child with a gasp and "swim"? Or when in the midst of everyday adversity you embrace him and understand that you cannot live without it? Or when you hold back the attack of vomiting and patiently wipe the poop smeared on the walls for the hundredth time? Or maybe love - is to chastise the child for misconduct, wanting to raise a worthy person? It seems impossible to verify love accurately. Only one thing is clear, if the child is not indifferent, then it is important and expensive in its own way. Further depends on adults. Will they be able to take a step towards the child or go the easy way?

I was 24, three months ago, gave birth to a girl, and I hate her fiercely for her gender. When she became pregnant, she dreamed of a son, a husband in a family a priori only boys are born, flew like on wings, came up with a name, waited for him and went crazy with happiness. When I was told at the ultrasound that there would be a girl, the earth went out from under my feet, leaving there on cotton legs I fell into a tantrum and every day I started and ended in tears. The husband took it as a given "girl, then girl." And I could not calm down, the pregnancy began to annoy me, I envied everyone who has sons or will soon be born. Hoping only on the principle of give birth, love. But the miracle did not happen, when she was born it only got worse, I began to feel fierce hatred towards her. She is already the fourth month, and I am fighting every day a beluga, everything connected with her infuriates me, sometimes I even mentally wish her death (it scares me the most). I have a lot of help, from all sides, I have a lot of free time, but all this doesn’t matter to me, I hate her, I don’t want to raise her, I want her to be gone in my life. I constantly imagine how it would be if my long-awaited boy was born in her place and I understand that I would not be happier in the world. I hate myself for not having an abortion, I found out the sex at 15 weeks, and at least somehow I could have terminated the pregnancy. I crossed out my life with this child, because I don’t know how I will raise it. I love and adore my husband, so I can’t leave him, leaving him a child, because I need him - he is my life. Both grandmothers work, I can’t throw her off for them either, the orphanage immediately disappears, her husband and everyone else loves her. When I see little boys, my soul is filled with pain and envy, and when I see girls I feel absolutely nothing, sometimes I get annoyed at how vile they are. The severe course of pregnancy, cesarean, terrible stretch marks, all this she gave me, the one that I do not even need. I could only survive this for my son, but I had to for her. I want to give birth to a son, at least by artificial insemination, but give birth and give him all my maternal love, but she will not get anywhere from this. The only more or less kind feeling that she evokes from me is a pity that she is not guilty of anything, that she did not ask her to give birth and all that, but that does not make it any easier for me. I also want to add that the child is calm, sleeps at night, rarely cries, i.e. in physical terms, it’s not hard for me, it’s morally difficult for me and this is not postpartum depression, since I did not want her before her birth. Now I understand that I crossed out my mental health by leaving her, it was necessary to abort. All friends, as luck would have it, sons are born and born, I alone didn’t get what I wanted. My husband knows about my problem, but what can he do? He is in pain from my tears and emotions, but he understands that there is something he can’t fix. How do I handle this? How can I accept and love her? How to stop going crazy ???