How to deal with those who provoke. What to do if a colleague provokes, tries to unbalance you? Assess the situation and choose a response

If you asked what trait is inherent in the "zero generation", you would definitely name one: intemperance in words and assessments. Destructive vocabulary, swearing and excessive aggressiveness towards even the slightest deviations from your ideas about the world and “correctness” are just the tip of the iceberg. A verbal conflict on the Web is provoked in order to be banned or made a victim of trolling; in real life - in order to draw the attention of others to you, expose you as a source of conflict, or simply corny to get reasons for using force against you.

On the Internet and in offline life, you are provoked to aggression and a violent reaction quite often. How not to sink to the level of the one who provokes you?

1. Stop for a moment and evaluate what the argument is about

99% of provocations are meaningless in their form, but clearly oriented in essence. It is important for the one who provokes you to release your aggression so that he can control you and direct your behavior and emotions in the direction that this person or group of people needs. Fear, rage, hatred, misunderstanding, loss of a sober assessment of the situation - what people need who provoke you in a chat or in personal verbal communication. Don't give them a reason to turn the tide in a direction that suits them. If the essence of the dispute lies in the banal "hating for fun" - you can not hope to find a rational grain in such a provocation.

2. Always continue to communicate politely and calmly

It has been noticed from personal experience that the transition to raised tones only winds up the interlocutor. But communication in a measured, confident and unhurried tone, on the contrary, makes the “presumptuous” slow down and slow down his rhetoric.

3. Do not insult the interlocutor, even if he offends you

It is especially important when dealing with those who are superior in position and physical strength to you. For a police officer, “reciprocal rudeness” is an excellent reason to issue a fine, lock you up for 15 days “for disobedience” or apply special equipment to you. For a crowd of street punks, this is a reason not only to take your wallet away from you, but also to beat you hard and cruelly. There are situations in which the instinct of self-preservation must prevail over the desire to achieve justice in the whole world. In addition, an argument in the language of an illiterate / ill-mannered person is a sure step “one step down”, and not a way to prove one's superiority or defeat an opponent.

4. Don't Argue About Politics with Unfamiliar/Stranger People

Disputes about politics. A dispute with complete strangers or random fellow travelers / interlocutors in a club threatens to either escalate into a fight, or become a pretext for a deliberate provocation from various “people in uniform” (in some countries both near and far abroad, the latter is on a par with the accusation of “dissent” and “propaganda of false values” will even happen much more likely and faster than the usual desire to wave fists towards the political “opponent”).

5. Do not say/do not write what you will not be able to do

The Internet has accustomed us to relative impunity: hiding behind avatars, nicknames and properly setting up the confidentiality of our profiles in social networks and online services, we now and then do not resist the temptation to get personal with complete strangers, to teach them about life, mind and mind - and some, especially the "talented ones", even manage to threaten physical harm to random interlocutors in the comments. Remember that such “impunity” is relative.

6. Bring any started business / phrase to its logical conclusion

For threats of court or for insults, for unreasonable demands and for well-founded claims - all this must be held accountable. Well, when someone else will bear such responsibility. Worse, if in this role imprudently you find yourself. So don't say, demand, or promise to do anything that you don't really intend to. Even on the Internet. And it's not even that the screenshots do not burn.

7. Health is always more expensive

And in especially difficult and “neglected” cases of verbal provocations, when in front of you is not just an Internet troll or a street hooligan, but a person with clearly inadequate manners and ideas, I recommend not to forget a simple rule: it’s better to seem like a coward for a mentally ill person or a bastard, than to suffer or even lose their lives because of the ridiculous desire to “prove” something to people who are at odds with their heads and objective reality.

If a provocateur has appeared in the team, you need to calm down and develop a line of conduct for defense against the local "troll". tells how to spot a provocateur, respond appropriately to manipulation, avoid conflicts, and stay instead.

Step 1: Provocateur detected

Often we understand that we were provoked to do something, after the perfect act, and sometimes we see our friend in the provocateur and blindly succumb to manipulation.

Those who want to disturb our peace of mind and take advantage of this need to be identified as early as possible, otherwise there is a chance to come to their senses with an already damaged reputation, damaged relationships with management and the team, a ruined career and self-esteem.

Pay attention to the emotions that the "suspect" evokes. If after each communication you feel offended, indignant, confused, wounded, alarmed, then you have a provocateur in front of you.

There are many methods of provocation, and those who have mastered their use easily manipulate people, get what they want from them, suppressing them morally and making it impossible to reason sensibly.

However, there are quite working algorithms that allow you not to follow the lead and protect yourself from provocations. To fight something, you must first acknowledge that it exists. Therefore, the first thing you need to realize is that you are dealing with a provocation.

Step 2: Examine your weaknesses

Manipulators first study the "victim" to find the weak points that each of us has. Such people are observant and masterfully notice what can be pressed, how to upset, anger, confuse, embarrass and confuse. And they will use it successfully as long as you live up to their expectations.

The provocateur will retreat almost immediately, as soon as you show that his methods of influencing you no longer work.

If the provocateur nevertheless managed to draw you into, you need to analyze why you went on about and what kind of weakness you used. Then you need to take this “hint” into service and work out a line of behavior in which no one else can take advantage of your weakness.

Provocation is a test of hidden opportunities. Evgeny Khankin

Step 3: Determine the type of provocateur

You may come across an amateur, a strategist or a master. Each of them often has different goals and methods of manipulation.

amateur provocateur acts openly and does not hide his intentions to create a conflict out of the blue. He does not tolerate any opinion other than his own, dissent causes bouts of aggression towards the interlocutor, but at the same time, the provocateur can make himself a victim. As a result, he gets what he wants - others accept his point of view in order to quickly end the conflict.

You just need to step back from such people, not add fuel to the fire in order to show that a person is wasting his energy in vain.

Provocateur-strategist usually takes the victim by surprise, because it can often be a benevolent colleague or even a friend. Such people most often act behind their backs, weave intrigues and spread rumors. Often their goal is to put themselves in the best light, or to harm someone.

Seeing this, you need to stay away from him, so as not to become part of his plan. True, even at a distance it is worth monitoring his activities, because a strategist can act through others in order to ultimately influence you.

provocateur-ruler asserts itself through manipulation. He finds people who are psychologically weaker, and begins to frolic in order to feel his own importance. At the same time, such a person perfectly understands who can be pushed around and who cannot be pushed around.

He also hides behind the best intentions in order to ingratiate himself. You can't protect yourself from it, you can only keep it away from you.

You can only provoke those whose reaction is predictable, because the unpredictable can provoke in response.

Step 4: Capture the moment of attack

Having figured out the provocateur, indeed, it is best to step back, but at work there is not always such an opportunity. Therefore, you should know the most popular tricks in order to recognize ordinary communication in time from an attempt to lead you to make a decision or take some action.

On the weak

The person will provoke you to prove your worth. True, you will have to prove by doing what the manipulator needs.

For example, that you are not weak, not greedy, not callous, not cowardly, or stupid.

- I asked Vadim to replace me so that I could choose a gift for my wife, but he refused me! Can you imagine? Only you alone understand me here, you should not expect support from the rest!

— ….

"So are you going to replace me?" You yourself have 10 years of marriage, you do not want to destroy mine?

- Good.

- Thank you, and finish the report for me, you're so smart!

Not in the eyebrow, but in the eye

This is an attempt to provoke certain actions, thoughts and desires. The person will ask tactless questions or convey distorted information to you in order to get you to do or tell something. At the same time, the provocateur will play significant and important things, as well as show super-confidence based on reciprocity.

You are so talented and do so much, and no one appreciates you. No more strength to look at it!

- Why do you think so?

- I heard that Serezha from the neighboring department raised his salary and gave him a ticket to Turkey. You need to have a serious talk with your boss and demand a raise and a vacation. And do not be modest where it has been seen, so that such employees — such an attitude!

Playing with guilt and shame

The provocateur is trying to catch you on a mistake or to convince you that you have made it, while reproaching, shaming and belittling you. All in order to cause feelings of guilt and shame, and at the same time the desire to make amends to him. So the provocateur gets what he wants again.

“I got a big hit yesterday because of you!” Oh, how it flew in, but I managed and shielded you.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I won't let you down again."

What did I have to endure! I will never forget!

- Sorry once again.

“Can you finish this task for me while I drink coffee?” By the way, here is another folder with documents, look.

open attack

Sometimes a provocateur simply goes on the offensive, expecting either aggression from you or your retreat.

“I think you did a terrible job, even a 3-year-old could do better.”

After a couple of such statements, you either indulge in mutual insults, or go - it all depends on the status of the provocateur.

Step 5: Assess the situation and choose a response

Having found a provocateur in your environment, do not try to justify and understand his actions, in any case, the motives for such actions are directed against you. You can follow one of the lines of behavior:

• It is worth asking directly what they are trying to achieve from you: "You want me to... am I right?"
• Calmly talk about your feelings: “I feel embarrassed and unpleasant that you among your colleagues discuss my mistakes.”
• Accept the opponent's point of view, but stick to your opinion: “I understand what you want to say, but you look at the situation from a completely different angle, but I mean this.”
• The essence of provocation is that the real intentions of the provocateur remain secret, and if there is no secret, there is no provocation. Exposure can be confusing and make you retreat, because not everyone will go on an open offensive: “I know that you are now specifically asking me questions in the middle of the presentation in order to spoil my report and. Please wait until I finish, and then I will answer all questions..

Love your provocateur and your nervous system

The first is to keep calm and a positive attitude, the second is to deceive the provocateur's expectations and not allow himself to be manipulated. You should not immediately perceive a person with hostility or as a personal enemy, try to understand the problem,. And in moments of attack, follow these tips:

• Don't go screaming.
• Speak quieter, calmer and slower than your interlocutor.
• Take a break if you're afraid of losing control. Drop a pen or notepad, go for water or go to the restroom.
• Try to resolve the dispute with a joke, only without sarcasm and ridicule.

As long as you are calm, you are safe and do not live up to the provocateur's expectations, thereby confusing him and spoiling his plans.

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18 comments

Zadorozhny Yuri Grigorievich, Piezosensor, LLC 06.02.2018, 19:38

Thank you for the article
For me it was helpful.

Sincerely
Yu.G.Zadorozhny

Valery Tsalkovsky 06.02.2018, 20:24

Yes, good article! Thank you.

Sergey Prikhodko 06.02.2018, 22:01

terminology "dances": manipulator-provocateur.
I think that the article is about manipulators, and provocation is one of the methods of their influence.

Igor Kukshin 06.02.2018, 22:06

Yes, it's hard not to get emotional...

Christina Belkina 06.02.2018, 22:24

Thanks, very instructive!

Victor Unlikely 02/07/2018, 05:47

Not a bad article, well structured, and without unnecessary husks.

Quite often you can hear the phrase "he provoked me" in its various variations. Usually it serves as an excuse for some unseemly reaction or act. And although many people perfectly understand the meaning of this phrase, the provocation itself not only cannot be ignored, but even recognized in time.

What is a provocation

Provocation is an order of words and / or actions directed at a certain person or group of people in order to cause them a negative reaction, prompting them to do things that are undesirable for these people. Provocations can be divided into two types:

• Rational - committed with a specific goal, allowing you to achieve the desired result for the provoking person.
• Irrational - carried out without a conscious motive, out of hooligan motives, etc., which do not bring objective benefit to the provoking person.

Usually the result of a provocation is a quarrel, loss of emotional balance of a person, erroneous (harmful) actions, moral and material losses. If we are talking about provocations at work, then in the vast majority of cases these are rational provocations, with the goal of:

• discrediting a person in the eyes of management;
• obstruction to the fulfillment of the assigned tasks;
• the occurrence of errors in the results of the work; m
• dismissal (forced or voluntary).

The motives of the provocative person in this case are obvious. As a rule, a person in this way tries to increase his own importance against the backdrop of a colleague's failures, achieve his dismissal, take his place, etc. Often, in a similar way, a provocative person receives moral satisfaction, defusing his own tension, which is also considered to be an achievement of a result, a conscious desire, therefore this form of provocation, of course, belongs to the rational kind. There is even such a term “whipping ball”, which is sometimes used specifically to define a person who is subjected to regular, sometimes collective provocations in order to “take his soul away from him”, “tear off evil”, “bring to tears”.

As for provocations in the family circle, the motives here are different, although the methods remain essentially the same. Most often, provocations in the family circle also belong to the rational form, since they serve to achieve very specific goals. The most common result of such provocations is a quarrel. Goals can be very diverse, for example:

• Maintaining the status quo. When one of the family members has convenient conditions for relationships with other family members, in case of encroachment on which this person provokes a quarrel (often under a completely extraneous pretext) in order to maintain his position.
• Getting some (possibly temporary) freedom of action. Having quarreled with family members, a person freely, with a clear conscience, leaves the house, going where he would like to go, but his spouse would be against it. Having provoked a quarrel, a person imitates resentment and slams the door.
• Termination of relationship. Unfortunately, a fairly common motive. If a husband or wife lacks the strength of mind, principles, moral level to end the relationship, dissolve the marriage honestly, taking responsibility for this, they can provoke scandals. As a result, the spouse (s) cannot stand this situation and leaves the house of their own free will, saving the person who provoked the need to expel him (her) and subsequent remorse.
• Acquiring what you want. One of the most common ways to achieve certain material benefits, purchases, household improvements, etc. A variety of methods of pressure can be used as a provocation aimed at forcing family members (mainly spouses, parents) to acquire the desired material benefits.

In this case, it is necessary to distinguish manipulations from provocations. The key difference is the form of the reaction. When manipulating him, a person expresses consent to the commission of this or that action; as a result of provocation, he shows a negative, irrational reaction in a fit of feelings.

How to resist provocations

First of all, you need to analyze the situation. You should mentally answer the following questions:

• Who is this person who is trying to provoke me?
• Am I addicted to it in some way or vice versa?
• What exactly does he want from me?
• Why did he think he could provoke me?
• Can I provoke him?

To a greater extent, this concept is relevant for working relationships, but in the family circle, such an analysis can be useful, namely:

• identify vulnerabilities in your character that allow people to provoke you;
• find out the hidden goals of the person provoking you;
• analyze why he cannot achieve what he wants in another way;
• prevent him from getting his way to the detriment of your interests.

The first means of dealing with provocations is silence (to the extent possible or appropriate). You can imitate thoughtfulness, absent-mindedness, be distracted by extraneous objects, and in every possible way avoid the conversation. If it is not possible to remain silent and avoid contact, you can use the tactics of "confusing". To do this, you can suddenly interrupt the words of the provocative person with an inappropriate question, as if he had just entered your head, for example: “Do you happen to know how to remove traces of the marker from the furniture?” If a person does not answer, becomes confused, angry, in a word, regardless of his reaction, you should immediately add: “Okay, I’ll ask someone else.”

However, it should be noted that such tactics will save you only from a single specific case of provocation. In order to completely get rid of such attacks, it is necessary to analyze the qualities of your own personality, understand why you succumb to provocations, and most importantly, which of the character traits allows others to think that you are easily provoked. It is advisable to carry out this "work on the mistakes" with the help of a psychologist.

Hello! My name is Irina, I am 21 years old. I have this situation: two weeks ago I got a job. The sphere is new for me, a lot of work with papers and documents. I don’t receive any comments from my superiors, although sometimes I make frivolous mistakes, they are correctly pointed out to me and I try not to make them again. But one of my colleagues constantly points out to me all my mistakes, reproaches that I can ask several times what I don’t understand, answers in an annoyed tone and is often rude. I try to either ignore her rudeness, or answer with restraint, I try to reduce everything to a joke. She has lunch and talks with another colleague, with whom they became friends, and I keep a little aside, I communicate with them, but mainly on work issues. This behavior of my colleague hurts and annoys me, I even think about looking for another job, because cooperation with this girl is inevitable, we are sitting in the same office at neighboring tables. I do not like conflict, and the constant emotional tension at work does not suit me, but now it's like that almost every day. Tell me, please, should I change my job or how then is it better to respond to such behavior, how to put this girl in her place?

Hello Irina! let's see what's going on:

one of my colleagues constantly points out to me all my mistakes, reproaches that I can ask several times what I don’t understand, answers in an annoyed tone and is often rude.

I am hurt and annoyed by this behavior of my colleague, I even think about looking for another job

constant emotional tension at work does not suit me,

NOBODY provokes you to a conflict - it's YOU who perceive and see the situation! the problem is NOT in HER - and NOT in her reactions (this is HER - and HER is like that! You will NOT change her! DO NOT explain ANYTHING to HER! therefore - is it worth getting hung up on how SHE treats you!? SHE has the right - to accept you or reject! she chose the second) - the problem is YOUR reaction - you can NOT accept it! you take upon yourself her emotional fuse - spoil your mood YOURSELF and choose to be in this tension, as you focus ON HER! leave her her condition - if something annoys her - let her be with it herself! and you have the right to allow yourself to make mistakes, correct them, they CAN show you, BUT the main thing is how YOU will react - so that you DO NOT allow someone else's state to influence yourself! if you do NOT take on her irritation, then she will not receive discharges on you!

and why run? people are different and such people will ALSO be in your life, BUT you won’t run away from your life YOURSELF because you can’t deal with your irritation and accusing others that you can’t accept them??? Your response style will NOT change even if you run away and change jobs!!! while you have such a situation nearby, then you need to use it for yourself in order to learn NOT to take on HER condition and stop introducing yourself into this dependence on her mood! train! separate yourself from her condition - let her reject you! The main thing is that you accept yourself and feel comfortable with yourself! and react all the same - reduce the situation to humor, or vice versa hypertrophied inflate (to exaggerate, which will also be just a depreciation of such a reaction!) - you can contact a psychologist in person to disassemble these techniques and learn to be calm in such situations!

Good answer 3 bad answer 2

Irina, I join the opinion that it is pointless to change jobs: everywhere there are people with whom there will be antipathy, conflict or banal rejection. Maybe you offend this girl in some way (remind her of someone or cause jealousy, or she wants to recoup on a young employee). Yes, talk to her! Why keep silent and get off with jokes? This is a weak position: they hurt you, and you show as if this is a joke, and everything is okay. Express your sincere attitude to this situation. At some point in her rudeness, turn to her: openly and simply - what's the matter? why is she acting like this to you? Express that you are offended by such an attitude, and you did not deserve it. Do only this without colleagues if possible. By declaring yourself and your feelings, you will express a strong position: you cannot be treated like that, if anything, you are ready to change, but you see a bad attitude and do not understand why on earth you should be hurt by open neglect. And you can also try to just talk to her: not in a situation of conflict, but separately, over a cup of coffee. The strength is to repel the attack, and not to pretend that everything is in order.

Golysheva Evgenia Andreevna, psychologist Moscow

Good answer 2 bad answer 0

Nobody wants to quarrel, especially with close people. But there are situations when a person literally provokes you into a conflict. How to turn the situation around in time and delicately settle the misunderstanding?

Psychologists say that people who deliberately go into conflict are often very insecure and have a lot of complexes. And with their scandalous behavior, they try to hide it. In fact, all brawlers at heart are very vulnerable and insecure people with low self-esteem. Someone simply does not know how to restrain their emotions and with the help of quarrels gets an emotional discharge. Another category of people who start conflicts is energy vampires. Don't put a finger in their mouth, just let them scandalize, humiliate, insult and, thereby, get enough of your opponent's emotions.

This is not to say that conflict is good or bad. Any conflict is based on the inconsistency of opinions, judgments and claims to each other. And it doesn't have to be on a high note. But if quarrels are accompanied by humiliation of human dignity, yelling, shouting and insults, then such situations must either be avoided or prevented. How to do it?

Release your emotions

If your opponent stoops to personal insults, accuses you of what you didn’t do, and you feel that “it smells of fried”, then in no case give vent to your emotions. In this case, the best protection against the continuation of the conflict will be equanimity and calmness. This will confuse the provocateur a little. If you begin to respond to insults with insults or begin to make reciprocal claims, then the quarrel will only intensify.

Get rid of the provocateur

There are situations when a person intentionally wants to bring you to negative emotions. Such people can be called energy vampires. They “feed” on the negative emotions of other people and are very pleased if they manage to offend, humiliate and undermine the nervous system of their opponent. In such cases, the way out of the situation is to completely ignore the provocateur. Just ignore the attacks in your direction. The provocateur will calm down when he realizes that you can’t be offended so easily.

Use the Method of Psychological Aikido

The Aikido method is a principle of martial arts based on the principle of cushioning. The aikido fighter gives way to his opponent, giving him the initiative, allowing himself to fall in the direction he was pushed, but in doing so he manages to drag the opponent along with him and adds his energy to get on top. In dealing with conflicting people, this method is very useful. An example of a dialogue built on the method of psychological aikido:

One man was the last to squeeze into the crowded bus. When the door closed, he began to search in numerous pockets for change. At the same time, it caused some inconvenience to a woman standing a step higher. The lady said angrily:

- How long will you be poking around?

- For a long time.

“But that’s how my coat can fit over my head!”

- Maybe.

- There is nothing funny!

“Really, there is nothing funny about it.

There was a friendly laugh. During the whole trip, the lady did not say another word.

Divert your opponent's attention

In stopping a quarrel, it is very important to switch the attention of the provocateur to something else, for example, to the provocateur himself. If a person verbally attacks you, then try to switch roles with him. Calmly ask him why he is so irritated, ask if everything is fine with him, maybe something hurts him, or maybe he didn’t get enough sleep today? Realizing that he, the conflicter, is in the spotlight, he will stop attacking.

Be unpredictable

In order to quickly extinguish the conflict, behave unexpectedly for the provocateur. Smile at rudeness or respond with a kind word, if you are accused, listen to all the accusations. You can even agree, it will surprise the bully even more.

Remember that neither you nor the person who started it needs a raised voice conflict. Your nerves and calmness are not worth conflict situationsthat can be avoided or resolved peacefully. Good luck and don't forget to press the buttons and