Why are expectations in a relationship dangerous? Unjustified expectations Why expectations are not met.
One of the moments in our life when resentment arises is when we make assumptions about how events in our life should develop. If our expectations cease to coincide with reality, then we get angry.
But if our expectations do not coincide with reality, when we expect certain actions from a loved one, then we either get angry even more or take offense.
Many are simply sure that a loving person should always feel what we need and give it to us without further ado.
How did we decide that this should be so?
Most often it is the immature position of an adult child. If he loves me, he will understand, he must feel. Such a woman most often herself is well aware of the needs of others. There is a habit of adapting, pleasing.
This mechanism is fixed in childhood, and then continues to accompany us through life. We believe that this is how intimacy is built. If I forget about myself in order to feel your needs and please you, then in return I have the right to receive the same!
And this is an even better scenario.
It is worse if in childhood you are accustomed to what you owe. Your parents were so obsessed with the idea of "giving the child everything" that in adulthood, when you suddenly come across that no one runs, does not serve, does not do for you, shock and resentment arise. Moreover, such people most often themselves are absolutely sure that they do not owe anything to anyone!
Frustrated by our unjustified expectations, we begin to look for the cause of our mental pain. And, unfortunately, most often we see this reason in those around us, who are not attentive enough to us, but not in themselves.
It is difficult for us to understand that it is this pain that we ourselves create, expecting that the beloved should live primarily by our interests and our problems.
When you hear about it from the outside, it is obvious that it is utopian. But when we are absorbed in relationships and ourselves are included in the life of another for 100%, it seems very fair.
And we forget that being close to us is his voluntary choice, made because he is pleased to be around. And if he is forced to "buy" his right to be with us through small services and constant concessions, then sooner or later, instead of the joy of living together, he begins to experience a feeling of lack of freedom, killing all the good that is in the relationship.
Any relationship is the result of everyone's conscious choice in favor of this relationship. And he means incl. freedom of expression in the expression of their feelings. Each party, first of all, should feel gratitude from what it already receives, taking it as a gift, and not as something taken for granted. And when the other, due to circumstances, can no longer give himself, then it is appropriate to experience regret rather than resentment. After all, he did not owe us anything ...
I talk a lot about relationships precisely because most often we unjustly take offense at our loved ones. But it is much more difficult for a stranger to offend us, unless by insulting us. After all, we, as a rule, do not expect anything from a stranger, which means that we are not disappointed or offended by him.
What to do?
At first, to figure out what expectations there are in the relationship to be, and what there is nothing to do.
Secondly, accept the fact that the other's duty to you is a choice. And this choice can only concern certain aspects of life together, but not total servility to you in everything.
Equally and vice versa.
When these aspects become clearer within oneself, it becomes easier to live and build relationships.
Thirdly, it is important to look into childhood and see what habits you have created for yourself in your parental family. Today, an adult woman, do they help to live happily or hinder?
Fourthly, understand the role of resentment in your life, and how this feeling is related to unjustified expectations.
Working with resentment will allow you to see the world with different eyes!
Why do we take offense at those we love?
A child's sensitivity is essential for the normal development of parents.
"If a donkey kicks you, then I hope you will not be offended. If someone you do not know attacks you, then, probably, you will not be offended either, but you will be frightened, run or fight. But if you if you see that your friend neglects your interests or the one you love behaves with you in a completely different way than you expect, then an unpleasant feeling arises, which we call resentment.
Therefore, emotion arises from the collision of my model, which I have thrown on reality, in this case on the behavior of another, with the real behavior of this other.
Moreover, it is necessary that this other was significant to me, and maybe loved. Let it be a friend, beloved, wife, close person. Each of these categories of people evokes in me some expectations of how they should behave in accordance with their roles in relation to me.
We'll highlight at least three elements here:
1. My expectations regarding the behavior of a person oriented towards me; how he should behave if he is my friend. Ideas about this are formed in the experience of communication;
2. The behavior of this other person, deviating from my expectations in an unfavorable direction; for example, I expect that my son should be caring and go for bread on time, but he buried himself in a book and forgot to do it;
3. Our emotional reaction caused by a mismatch between our expectations and the behavior of another.
If we reproduce the circumstances of the offense in our memory, then we can always highlight these three elements. We highlight these three elements, but the question remains: why are we still offended?
Yes, simply because we believe that the other person is rigidly programmed by our expectations, we deny his right to independent action. It is worth considering why he did not do what I expected, as we will see that he had something that made it impossible to behave according to our expectations.
When it comes to a donkey, we know that this animal is kicking, that it can kick at any time, and we do not see it as programmed by our expectations. We recognize him as an independent being, independent of us.
But we do not recognize our loved ones as such and from this we take offense at them. This means that resentment stems from the desire to program another.
And if we recognized him as an independent being, which itself determines his behavior, then we would have no reason to be offended by him. Yes, we would not be offended by him. After all, we are not offended by the weather for the fact that it suddenly deteriorated and upset all our plans! We recognize nature as independent of our expectations. And if we thought that she should meet our expectations, we would be offended by her. After all, it was not for nothing that the Persian king Xerxes was offended by the Bosphorus, which suddenly raged, upsetting the crossing, and ordered to punish the strait with whips. He believed that nature should be pleased with him, since he is a king.
But where does this attitude come from that the other person depends on us? Why do we take offense at those we love?
This indomitable tendency to program the behavior of another and the emotional response to failure comes from childhood. When a child rejects his parents, he programs their behavior in accordance with his expectations and punishes them each time for deviating from these expectations with a sense of guilt. The child is offended, cries, and the parents, because they love him, experience guilt, which is stimulated by external signs of resentment, which are easy to read on the child's face. This guilt encourages behavior change, and the parents do what the child needs to do.
A child's sensitivity is necessary for the normal development of parents. We are used to thinking that we are raising children, but we do not notice how they are raising us, punishing us with a sense of guilt for every mistake. At the stage of childhood, this is justified: the child helps the spiritual maturation of the parents, that is, turns them from husband and wife into father and mother, developing in them with the help of his resentment certain behavioral traits necessary for the normal development of a growing person. This is necessary for the formation of his personality.
But from the moment the child's personality was formed, the need for such props for the creation of the personality building disappears. After all, after the house is built, forests only interfere with life. In the same way, our resentment is an infantile reaction to the environment, the reproduction of childhood into adulthood. Look at your expression when you are offended. After all, it becomes childish and childishly angry! "Published
Excerptfrom the book of Yu.M. Orlov. "Climbing to individuality"
Waking up in the morning, we expect that the coffee will not run away, we will get to work without traffic jams. We have an idea of what will happen during the day. These expectations can be called adequate. But they can be of a completely different nature - the belief that someone owes us something. Such subjective expectations affect our dreams, experiences, relationships. More often than not, they destroy everything that we have created before.
The main symptoms of false expectations are the stress and irritation they provoke. If the relationship deteriorates when you don't get what you want, and you want to provoke a conflict in the presence of your partner, then most likely you are expecting something from him. It is important to realize that many of our expectations are not realistic and do not have a sufficient basis for existence.
People who have matured mentally understand that no one owes anything to anyone. They do not believe in fairy tales and rely only on themselves. It hurts to say goodbye to illusions, but sooner or later you will have to do it, otherwise disappointment is inevitable.
Unreasonable expectations make people angry and irritated. A lot of internal energy and time is wasted on unproductive dreams and plans.
Relationship with a man: "symptoms" of an illusion
To understand how realistic your expectations are, you need to start thinking and "turn off" emotions. A huge number of girls live with their hearts, turning off their minds. They fill themselves with emotions, hopes, experiences, fears that have nothing to do with reality, so they fail to build a relationship with a man.
It will be easier for you to assess the situation if you honestly answer your questions. They should be worded as clearly as possible so that the answers dispel all your doubts. You must clearly understand which foundation of the relationship is of paramount importance to you.
If, despite your best efforts, you are not one step closer to your dreams, chances are you are trying to walk through a closed door. Better to engage yourself with another project - the relationship can develop in the right direction without your pressure.
Remember how often you accuse people of being ungrateful. Stop complaining about life and expecting a response from the person. Adequate people try to calculate what real benefit they can derive from the situation. They express their expectations directly and politely say what they can give and what benefits they want to receive in return. Relationships are based on sincerity and trust. Your partner may not know what you expect from him.
Often we bring down our expectations to loved ones and relatives, shifting responsibility for our own well-being onto them. Because of this, the relationship is always in danger of collapse. There is a special technique that can help you get rid of unjustified expectations.
Make a list of expectations
Write down all your expectations in relation to others, the failure of which causes you negative emotions, strong internal tension. When you have done all the work, evaluate the result. Re-read everything you wrote again and think about whether it really matters to you.
Redefine expectations
As a rule, unrealizable expectations in our subconscious mind are very clear-cut. They are categorical and categorical. But we are surrounded by living people who can make a mistake or just forget. We need to formulate our own expectations in such a way as to give permission for a person to sometimes not meet our high bar. The list helps to accept the situation that has developed, reduce the intensity of passions and figure out what should be the basis of the relationship.
Add a specific requirement to each expectation. For example, “I want my husband to come home on time. But if he cannot do this, then he must warn. " Such details will soften the overall impression of the ultimatum form of expectations. It is not necessary to voice them to your partner - you need them more so that you clearly understand what exactly you want. Diplomatic and warm requests strengthen the relationship with the man. This technique allows you to reduce the "degree" of your own emotions.
What is the psychology and the danger of unjustified expectations?
When a person is waiting for something, a specific outcome of events and life in general is programmed in his subconscious - this is our psychology. He puts energy into his thought-form and waits for the desire to be fulfilled. But the energy does not return - the more you think about the "object of desire", the less strength you have left.
It seems to a person that if he wants it so much and invests so much energy, then everything will definitely work out. This rule only works if the result is entirely up to you. When you expect something from other people, it is foolish to be so overconfident. Others may have their own plans, dreams and desires.
Energy investments in other people are very often not “profitable”. This is due to selfishness - you invest in a relationship with a man in order to get several times more. When there is no result, then resentment arises inside.
This anger, which is directed at the other person, is destructive. He "settles" inside and poisons all life. Its consequences can be extremely destructive - a person devalues a partner, and after a while the relationship falls apart.
Fill your life with love
Unjustified expectations very often arise from a lack of love for yourself and your partner. If you are waiting for something all the time when you are building a relationship with a man, then you stop living here and now. This makes both you and your loved one uncomfortable.
To learn to enjoy every pleasant little thing, you need to regularly ask yourself the question: “What do I feel now? What am I missing? " If you realize that your happiness depends entirely on your partner, you need to let go of the situation and shift your attention. Try to please yourself, take responsibility for your own mental well-being.
Expectations arise as a result of self-dislike, inner emptiness. Fill yourself with love, tenderness, care. You do not need to try to remake your loved one, it is better to engage in self-development. An important foundation of a relationship is partner acceptance. Improve the space around you, read books, communicate with confident and successful people. They radiate positive energy and charge with positive.
December 2, 2016 15:56
By Fabiosa
Immediately after we got married, my wife and I attended one seminar on helping victims of human trafficking. During one of the speeches, the lecturer stepped back from the topic a little and asked the audience a question: "What is the main reason for divorce?" I was never timid, so I raised my hand and confidently answered: "Problems with sex, money and communication!"
“You are wrong,” the lecturer replied. "These are just symptoms of a real problem."
Oops. I felt humiliated but what I learned later literally changed my life.
“All relationship problems start with one thing,” the lecturer continued, “unjustified expectations.”
This phrase became a real revelation for me. I sat at the seminar, absolutely amazed, and my brain diligently went through all those unjustified expectations that I experienced after I got married a month ago.
Unreasonable expectations are not only a marriage problem. This is a lifelong problem!
Six years have passed since that seminar, and I have seen more than once the pain and disappointment that stems from unjustified expectations - not just in marriage, but in every way. It doesn't matter if you are single or married, working or unemployed, old or young, successful or not ... Unreasonable expectations are a deadly poison that destroys you from the inside.
Which exit?
I am a mathematician, so after a long search, I made an equation that helped me understand the whole essence of the problem:
WAITING - OBSERVATION = FRUSTRATION
Let me show you what this means with one example.
EXPECTATION
After a long and hard day at work, I come home and EXPECT that my wife will serve the dinner prepared for us. She will meet me in a white apron (on which there will be no stains) and with a neatly styled hairdo. Our one and a half year old daughter will sit on her high chair and eat willingly, without spitting out food or getting dirty. After we finish dinner at the same time, the butler will clean up the kitchen and the three of us will go for a walk and watch the sunset.
REALITY
In fact, I arrive home half an hour later than usual, and dinner was not even in the plans. My daughter is screaming something incoherent, and so loudly that my head begins to split. When I finally find my wife, I find her working on a project. She is trying to fit into the deadline, which formally has passed a long time ago. When I ask her what we have for dinner, she looks at me with the look of an overworked, overworked young mother.
I take my daughter in my arms and go to the kitchen, where I find that the refrigerator is empty. Noticing a piece of cheese and bread, I happily shout: "Toast!" I put my daughter in a high chair, she starts jumping and yelling in anticipation of dinner. I put sandwiches in the microwave. We're having dinner. The kitchen is a mess. Toys are scattered throughout the house, so each of us runs the risk of inadvertently twisting our legs. My wife and I collapse on the sofa exhausted, avoiding eye contact and cleaning the kitchen. I can go on for a long time, but I think the point is clear.
Frustration is the difference between the two scenarios.
WHAT TO DO?
In short, just accept everything as it is. Try not to create idealistic illusions. Take reality for granted.
Some argue that there is no need to expect anything at all. But I wouldn't go that far. I think healthy, realistic expectations are right. This is what you need to strive for.
But if you find yourself in a situation where your expectations are not being met, just let the observation take over the expectation scenario. Rely on observation and act based on the specific situation, not on your dreams.
Translation and adaptation: Marketium
