What to do with personal inquiries? How to leave a man beautifully How to avoid unwanted questions.
Difficult questions - what to do? Our life is bright and multifaceted. Day after day we meet dozens of people, communicate on the street, at work, at home. Passers-by, friends, colleagues, relatives - we are connected with each other by thin threads of communication. But communication does not always bring us joy. How often an unexpected question compromises, unsettles, and simply baffles. I really want to get out of this situation beautifully, without losing face. But how? How to get away from answering a question that you want to answer or you just don’t know how to answer?
- The simplest thing is to change the subject. For example, to the question: “Weren't you in this terrible club?” - answer: “There are so many entertainment centers in our city! And next week we will have an exhibition of Chagall himself! "
- When at the right moment there is no answer to a direct question, you can skillfully replace it with a generalizing answer: "And you know absolutely nothing about the Battle of Borodino?" - "Oh, it was a great battle, but our history knows so many grandiose battles!" ... And to develop the story in this direction.
- You can try to make the person look at you from the other side: "Do you always do this kind of work so slowly?" - "Perhaps, but in my work quality and meaningfulness prevail!"
How to answer an unpleasant question
- And if the opponent tries to humiliate us, you can crush him with intellect: "Where did you learn to write so clumsily?" “Oh my friend, what do you know about calligraphy? About its development, about Western European, Indian directions? Are you to judge this? "
- Often we are offended by the closest people. You can get out of this situation by clicking on the moral side of the relationship: "When was the last time you looked at yourself in the mirror?" - “You are the closest person to me! And you understand that time has no power over us! How does your conscience allow you to talk like that? "
- You can confuse the questioner with a question to the question: "Aren't you tired of reading during working hours?" - "And who doesn't part with a cup of coffee all day?"
- And we have the right not to answer some questions at all. Were we unjustly offended by the question? Let us measure the offender with a contemptuous - condescending glance, proudly arched an eyebrow, and simply leave, leaving him alone to bathe in our negativity!
Interpersonal relationships are a very delicate thing. One awkward question can erode self-confidence and destroy a close, trusting relationship. And life itself constantly asks us difficult questions. It is important to carry light, positive, faith in yourself, to do good. And then you will find the answers you need! And nothing can stop us from going through life with a light, perky gait! And you will not let anyone put yourself in an uncomfortable position, you know now how to avoid answering in any situation.
November 14, 2013
Even the most understanding interlocutor in the midst of a pleasant conversation can throw out something like "Why are you not dating anyone?", "What is your salary?" or "When are you planning children?"
It seems that these eternal questions will never cease to interest others and baffle us.
After another attempt to escape the answer, Gulnara Garafieva decided to figure out what uncomfortable questions we are most often asked by friends, relatives and colleagues, and how to answer them correctly.
Money matters
“What is your salary?”, “How much did you buy a car?”, “How much do you pay for an apartment?”, “How much did you take?”. Many people often add to such questions: "You don't have to answer!" or - "May I ask an immodest question?", but this does not save one from awkwardness. To be honest, I myself loved to be interested in the money matters of my friends. But suddenly I realized that I have not been happy about their acquisitions for a long time, and I replace any compliments and inquiries with a mercantile "How much?" Now I am trying diligently to replace all the "how much?" what? Where? when? that's lovely!". The effect is very pleasant. Friends are happy to talk about a purchase, a new job, and sometimes, without unnecessary questions, they are frank about the money side. The only thing that has not been possible at all is to congratulate my husband on a bonus or a salary increase without asking "Much?"
For those who do not at all want to answer questions about money, even to close people, psychologists advise "mirroring", i.e. answer a question with a question. For example, asking why your interlocutor is so interested; first find out how much his car costs; or, in a very childish way, say "First, tell you!" Another method suggested by my acquaintances is to name a suspiciously large or small amount, turning the conversation into a joke.
Interview questions
"Where do you see yourself in 5 years?", "What's your biggest drawback?", "How much did you get in your previous job?" After going through a dozen interviews, I still don't know how to answer these strange questions from personnel officers. It seems to me that they themselves do not remember why it is customary to ask about this, but they stubbornly follow traditions. They say that at interviews in large European companies, you need to be prepared for anything - even the fact that you are asked to show the contents of your bag here and now. I don’t know a single good specialist who would be denied a job because he didn’t demonstrate what was in his bag, or because he didn’t make plans for 5 years in advance. But I know a company that selects new employees on the question: “There was an elephant weighing 1 ton and 100m high. A year later, it grew to 200m. What is its mass? " ( by the way, how would you answer?). No matter how much you puzzle over the correct answer, it simply does not exist. Here the employer only cares about how the person will react to the question and how he will reason when answering.
The advice that most employers give is - be prepared for any questions and requests, but do not hesitate to refuse them if they have nothing to do with your professional skills.
Questions about work and professional competence
« What are you doing? ”,“ What are you doing at work? ”. With the increase in the density of office workers per square meter and the emergence of such ambiguous professions as "curator", "manager", "administrator", "supervisor", "merchandiser", it becomes more and more difficult to talk about your work. The same specialties are used to designate different, and sometimes almost opposite, occupations. Thus, the sales specialist, the project manager, and the company director all turn out to be “managers”. Having been in a variety of office positions, I completely sincerely envy doctors, teachers, salesmen, cashiers, locksmiths, builders, plumbers and even calculators (a type of accounting specialization), who can answer the question about the profession in one clear and understandable word, and briefly describe their work a couple of sentences.
When answering questions about the profession, psychologists advise you to name the specialty that gives you more confidence and pride in your work. If you find it difficult to talk about what you do at work, and your responsibilities change every day and are completely unpredictable, try to break all your activities for the month into categories. At the same time, you will see for yourself what is the most time consuming. Another good exercise from psychologists: "Within 12 minutes, give as many answers as possible to the question" Who am I? " The answers, recorded almost unconsciously in this short space, will tell you a lot about yourself.
Questions about personal life
"Why don't you have a girlfriend / boyfriend?", "When is the wedding?", "Why don't you get married?" As it turned out, these questions are equally uncomfortable for both men and women. Moreover, the interlocutors themselves often do not even know why they are asking about this. And, if parents really want to get an answer with an exact date to questions about a wedding, then others often ask them just like small talk or conversations about the weather. In situations like this, I recall an excerpt from the film "Bridget Jones's Diary", when couples who surrounded the heroine Renee Zellweger at the table suddenly ask: "Why are there so many single girls in London?" It is because of the interlocutor's frank inattention to your feelings that you want to answer these questions with something sarcastic, like "We take our time looking at you." But my friend, on the contrary, manages not to get angry with numerous questions about her personal life and even jokes: “You should have seen how sad their faces are when they ask about a guy! Apparently it seems to everyone that if I have been alone for several years, it means that I am an alien with cockroaches in my head and a harmful character. Looking at them, I immediately imagine that I am greenish, huge in size, with tentacles, so no one loves me. "
Psychologists also advise not to take such inquiries seriously, but to ask again why such a strange question came to your interlocutor's mind. You will see - the person will immediately hesitate and find himself in an awkward situation. Another way, which for some reason often disarms the questioners, is to say everything as it is. In the end, proudly admitting that you are patiently looking for your man and do not want to get married for fear of being alone is even nice. Oddly enough, many such reasonable answers surprise and discourage discussion of your personal life.
Questions about children
"Why don't you have children?", "Are you planning a child?", "When for the second." For me, these questions are akin to asking "How often do you make love?" or "What poses do you prefer?" You can start this list from childhood, 
when the girls in the yard asked something about the first kisses, menstruation and something else, from which the ears immediately turned red. But if in children everything can be attributed to their spontaneity and naivety, then what to do with smart, educated, intelligent, but suddenly completely tactless adults? Ignore or avoid answering
- the only way to fight that I found after several years of training. A silent shrug, an incomprehensible smile, an indistinct "not clear yet / wait and see", a sudden admiration for the interlocutor's new hairstyle or escaped milk - all this works great to turn the conversation to nothing.
After such a half-answer, relatives usually begin to pat me sympathetically on the shoulder, unfamiliar people understand that they have asked something personal, and friends suddenly remember that I am an introvert, and not the heroine of Sex and the City. Men say that it is even easier for them with such questions. A dry yes or no is usually a perfectly satisfactory answer for a harsh male conversation. Girls, on the contrary, compose witty remarks, which they proudly give out at every opportunity (spied on a popular women's forum):
- “Do you think I have to go now?”, Widening his eyes in surprise and offended.
- “What we haven’t tried, it just doesn’t work!” - dramatically throwing up his hands to heaven and bursting into tears on the shoulder of the interlocutor
- "With your prayers, very soon!"
- "In a couple of hours!", - impatiently looking at his watch
- “As soon as, I will be the first to inform you. Even before her husband. "
Psychologists once again advise not to get irritated by the tactlessness of the interlocutor. The main thing is to be able to clearly answer these questions to yourself. By the way, this advice is great for answering the rest of the points.
Gulnara Garafieva
Human life is a series of "white" and "black" stripes, in which awkward moments are not complete. Unpleasant situations are created by criminals trying to demonstrate to society the flaws of their opponent. Excessive curiosity of friends or intrusiveness of a boss who is interested in your fate - provocative questions accompany a person throughout the entire "path". To assess the extent of the lack of upbringing among the interlocutors or the desire to harm, you need to familiarize yourself with the traditional set of phrases that confuse people.
When will you be called in to marry? Why did you divorce? How much do you earn? How are you worried? Are you planning to "do" children soon? Where did you study? How much did you spend on your vacation? How did you make money for a premium car? At such moments, a single thought hovers in a person's mind: "How to avoid answering an unpleasant question?"
If you do not care about the feelings and emotions of the interlocutor, then it is recommended to directly inform him about the lack of desire during the conversation.
How not to offend a person with your answer?
Often, uncomfortable questions are asked by work partners or older people you respect. What to do in such a situation? Showing aggression, voicing or avoiding an answer is an inappropriate decision, because you will show disrespect for the interlocutor. Psychologists advise you to follow three rules that help change the course of events without revealing your own dissatisfaction with what is happening:
- Change the topic of conversation without considering the question asked.
- I think I saw you at the restaurant this weekend. You said you'd be busy?
- I have such a standard type of appearance that I am constantly confused with someone. What was this restaurant? Tell me, please. It is interesting to know which establishments I prefer to visit.
- Answer in general terms so that the interlocutor does not notice the catch.
- Do you know anything about the abolition of serfdom in Russia?
- Why do you think so? The scale of the history of the Russian Federation boggles the imagination of foreigners. Is it possible that a native resident might not know about such an event? Only there is no desire to remember difficult times for the state, forgive me.
- Imagine the situation in which they are trying to put you from a different angle.
- Do you always spend so much time on a simple task?
- Work should be judged not by the number of minutes, but by the quality of the result!
Following simple rules, you will be able to correctly and constructively answer the question that interests the interlocutor without offending him. This communication format will not harm your reputation, because you participate in the dialogue, independently choosing the vector of the conversation.
Visually showing dissatisfaction with an issue is not a practical solution. The interlocutor will only increase the pressure on you by adding 2-3 more caustic phrases to the spoken words
Methods to avoid answering inappropriate questions
Dialogue is the art of building communication with a person, where one awkward phrase can destroy faith in one's own strength. Regardless, it is recommended to treat the spoken words with full responsibility. Careless expression becomes the cause of a conflict situation, and a timely set is an effective prerequisite for friendly relations. To avoid unpleasant situations, correctly avoiding impolite questions, be guided in conversations by the following rules:
- "Cut off" the statement of the interlocutor, letting him realize that you do not want to continue the conversation on this topic.
- Ask a counter question to divert the “opponent's” attention from your personality, taking extra time to reflect on the answer.
- Pretend full of confidence that you have not heard the phrase said in your address, leaving it unattended.
- Parry an unpleasant question with wit and humor, and get the support of the public who appreciates your joke.
- If you have the gift of eloquence, then do not hesitate to answer the question. Just start the story with the phrase: "In my childhood ...", preparing the interlocutor for a detailed story.
- Pour "water" without avoiding participation in the conversation, which takes on a completely different format.
- For a specific question addressed to you, ask a lot of counter, clarifying phrases, baffling the interlocutor.
- Ask the interested person about the prerequisites for the emergence of such a formulation. Ask about his intentions, distracting from unpleasant dialogue.
- Focus on the vocabulary present in the question, ask the “opponent” about the reason for using such speech patterns.
- If you are not deprived of an acting talent, then play a depressive hero from the dramatic works of William Shakespeare. To be or not to be?
- Ignore the person whose question you don't like.
In an unpleasant dialogue - faithful "assistants", confusing the enemy. Do not give in so that the other person is convinced of your competence. Don't show your fears by preventing someone from attacking you who has embarrassed you. Social memory is a long-lasting phenomenon, which means that it will be extremely difficult to change the prevailing stereotypes about you. It is more rational to prevent such a development of events by observing the above recommendations.
If the interlocutor, in response to a counter question, expresses a desire to continue the discussion, then without a bit of a doubt say that you are not interested in the development of events. A direct response of this content will put a person seeking to convict you of something into a stupor
Options for universal answers
Situations in life happen different, so people should have universal answers to unpleasant questions. Such phrases will help maintain self-esteem without questioning society's impeccable reputation. It will become easier to deal with stress in exciting moments, because you will always have 2-3 well-thought-out answers for unfriendly interlocutors:
- You are an amazing person, whose personal qualities I am infinitely admired! Is the ability to ask rhetorical questions an innate talent for you?
- For what purpose are you interested?
- You really know how to ask a question that baffles the interlocutor! How can one learn this art of dialogue? Would you like to share?
- I already have an answer to the question you are interested in, but first I want to be curious: Why do you need this information?
- Do you insist on this format of conversation? I have no desire to discuss such topics.
- I'm sure you know the answer to this question.
When building a dialogue with someone who wants to put you in an awkward situation, prefer to remain calm and determined. The interlocutor, who did not notice the opponent's fear, will slow down the "momentum", abandoning the strategy of passive aggression. Remember that only the ability to maintain self-esteem, reinforced by charisma, can you achieve social recognition, withstanding the attacks of competitors.
So that impolite or unpleasant questions do not knock you out of your usual "rut", strive for peace of mind. Inner harmony is the key to decent behavior in stressful situations. It is not surprising that attackers turn to balanced and self-confident people with incorrect questions much less often.
Confidence in the decision made is the main thing that is needed to part with the least losses.
Breaking up a relationship rarely goes smoothly and calmly. It would seem that the real problem if you left you - there is an aggravation of all imaginable complexes, and a sea of \u200b\u200btears of loneliness, and a feeling of abandonment. But the truth is that the "throwing" side is not easy either, and she can experience equally painful feelings, supported by complex doubts and throwing. Moreover, it is these feelings and doubts that can keep a couple in a painful, unnecessary and often dead relationship for months and years. Just think - months and years of life in torment! How beautiful and least painful for everyone to get out of a once significant relationship?
"CUT WITHOUT WAITING FOR PERITONITIS!"
The breakup formula sounds simple: if you finally decide to leave, you must calmly inform your partner about your decision. At first glance, this advice is from the category of "captain obvious". But in fact, every word in it is mega-important, and problems arise if and only if at least one part of this thesis is underestimated. Let's go through them.
1. "Finally decided" is a matter of principle... If you still doubt, hesitate, weigh the arguments, are ready to change your mind at any time - you should not start such a conversation. First, be clear about your desires, and only then raise the question.
I'm not talking about situations where the only purpose of the conversation is manipulation. In order to get what you want from your partner with the threat of leaving, to sort out the relationship, to escalate the situation, to draw attention to yourself, but at the same time not to part. This is different! It is only about those circumstances when the relationship does not suit you, and you understand that you just want to part. And if you have already decided, then neither the pangs of conscience, nor the promise to love until the grave, nor the sense of duty, nor the opinion of mom and friends should outweigh your decision to live the way you think is right for yourself, your desire to be happy and end a painful relationship. Listen to everyone carefully, thank - and do what you think is right for yourself. In the overwhelming majority of cases, this is the most correct decision for you and the entire system of your relationships at this stage of life.
Remember that no matter what your life together, there will always be arguments in favor of not changing anything. I have come across the fact that clients' husbands, as punishment, dipped the child's head into the toilet, cheated on a weekly basis, beat the woman herself, or used hard drugs - and even in these situations, women contrived to doubt the need for a break and experienced the torment of choice.
I deliberately dwell on the first keywords of the thesis for so long. Confidence in the decision made is the main thing in order for the separation to happen with the least loss.
Long agonizing conversations, tears, hesitation, returning and useless walking back and forth are all the result of your inner hesitation.
DECIDED - EVERYTHING!
2. "Calmly report" - that's right. Do not ask, do not apologize, do not make excuses, do not beg, do not be offended, do not blame, do not scandalize, do not throw a tantrum to be convincing. Don't mumble guilty. Do not blame all mortal sins.
Sometimes it is worth communicating in writing (if your partner poses a threat to you, is unstable, or has avoided meeting many times).
Better in conversation. Yes, it is always very difficult. And, like any difficult conversation, you need to prepare for this.
First of all, emotionally. In the second, it is meaningful.
Here are some markers emotional readiness... Calm confidence deep inside, even if there is a superficial tremor. Related feelings. Admit it: yes, you may feel sorry. Of course, I'm sorry about plans, dreams, expectations. And tearing up attachments hurts. Sadness. Accept this: if the relationship is valuable and it was good, it’s sad to leave. But even such a relationship sometimes ends. A sense of relief and the correctness of what you are about to do.
Now about meaningful readiness.
Knowledge of manipulation hooks. You should have a rough idea of \u200b\u200bwhat your partner can put pressure on and what weaknesses you have. Consider your reaction. Protect yourself. If necessary, consult with a lawyer to understand the consequences of a breakup. Sobriety and common sense will help you. Important: fear of loneliness, self-pity, guilt, etc. should not interfere with moving on. If they block the path to a calm exit from an oppressive relationship, go to a psychologist. Work with fears and complexes.
3. "Partner" is another key word in the message. It is very important to realize and at the stage of separation to constantly remember that you have lived and are now parting with an adult, equal sexually mature partner who is fully responsible for your life and partial responsibility for what happened to the relationship.
"He will be lost without me" - this is how a nursing mother can talk about a baby.
"He has nowhere to live" - another phrase from the mother's vocabulary.
"I swore to him at the altar" - we are all blinded by hormones in the first months of a relationship and are not able to think soberly, and in later life, alas, anything happens.
"He is so good" - well, you will be friends.
"I will break his heart" - as a rule, people deal with breaks. They rarely commit suicide or end up in a mental hospital after that. Don't underestimate your partner's resilience. And if there are serious reasons to doubt it, contact a specialist.
And it is also important to understand: how the partner will cope with the situation, how quickly he will find a girlfriend, how he will live afterwards and what to do without you - does not concern you. This is his life. Its part of the situation. Yes, it is often a big mental problem and difficulty. But they meet on the way of an adult, including for overcoming and growth. It is much worse to get stuck in infantile interdependence and regret your indecision all your life.
I think you have already understood the importance of a calm attitude to the situation and a sober look at your partner. They will play the main role in the ending of your story, and in the decisive conversation you will broadcast a thousand subtle signals: "goodbye" or "oh, I don't know!"
Breakup is a very emotional and painful stage in a relationship. No matter how hard you try, emotions will still roll over and affect you and your behavior. Therefore, it is so important to keep them under control, calm down, tune in, prepare, understand why and what to say. Remember that gratitude, a feeling of kinship, sadness are also not uncommon ... But even in them you should not get bogged down for a long time, indulging in memories of joint joys, if you really want a break. Thank your partner for everything. Wish you happiness. And move on.
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Few people lovewhen others are too interested in their life. The curiosity of outsiders is hardly pleasant, especially in cases where there is nothing to boast about. But even if there is a reason to boast of success, not everyone wants to do it, fearing that they will only cause envy with their outpourings. However, curious acquaintances sometimes do not need frank conversations because they have the ability to find out all the information of interest themselves - through other people whom you trust or even from yourself - with hints, or even direct questions that cannot be answered. Naturally, such interference is unpleasant for you, but how can you resist curiosity?Why would they?
First of all, you want understandthat your life can be so interesting for others, since they are so persistent in asking about it. The answer is simple - elementary curiosity, the search for a topic for gossip, comparison with one's life, which gives rise to either envy or gloating.There are also times when person may ask you a question just so as to keep the conversation going, and not at all thinking of offending you. And only in such a situation can the inappropriate be excused.
Don't give a reason
Firstly try do not give a reason for questioning and gossip themselves. If you would like to hide your salary from your colleagues, do not drop hints that it is more than theirs. But, at the same time, do not be too secretive - this way you will further inflame curiosity. It follows from this that your life should be in sight, but without details. For example, the boss wants to promote you in your position - until the order is issued - you can keep silent about this, but when you were officially promoted, tell your colleagues about it.Get away from the answer
When you are about something ask, and you do not want to answer questions, just go away from the answer, for example, say that you need to call, or even just keep silent, as if you did not hear the question. A very effective weapon is to transfer arrows to your opponent. For example, a colleague asks you if you and your husband are going south, and you absolutely do not want to tell her about your plans. You say, "How are you going to spend your vacation?" In short, try to simply transfer the topic of conversation to a colleague. Curious people often like to talk about themselves, sometimes thinking thereby to cause the interlocutor to be frank. Therefore, you have the opportunity to avoid answering. Humor also works well in such moments. Let's say you are asked if you want a second child. And you say: "There was no opportunity to talk to the stork yet."
Especially difficult has towhen questions are asked in front of other people. And if you could not immediately come up with a decent answer, just keep silent. People around you will understand that you are not in an awkward situation, but the one who asked something inappropriate. And already all their attention will turn in the other direction, and you can translate the topic of conversation with dignity.
If you see that the asked questions have the goal of hurting you, make it clear to the offender that you not only see his intentions, but are also able to stand up for yourself, but pretend that this happens by chance - you are just sharp at. For example, they ask you how you always look great, you probably don't get enough sleep - after all, you need to put on makeup. And you can say: "Yes, you can't do without difficulty, you know - for the sake of the waist you've been on a diet for what month." After a few such phrases, friends will no longer want to ask you about anything.
