Mom is constantly scandalous and hysterical about what to do. Why is my mother constantly annoying me? Lack of control over emotions

Hello dear readers of my blog! One of the common problems in family relationships is when a mother manipulates an adult daughter. Such interactions can hardly be called healthy and harmonious. Manipulations can be built according to different schemes, the girl can guess about them or not. In any case, it is necessary to try to leave this kind of relationship, change them to a healthier and more harmonious side. How to do it?

Be a puppet

Agree, no one likes when they are manipulated, told what to do, put in a dependent position. But parents have some kind of power over their children that they can use as they see fit.

Often the mother flirts with her role so much that she puts her daughter in complete dependence on herself and does not allow her to breathe freely without permission.

The psychology of manipulation lies in control, in the dependent position of the driven person. You can act through the financial side. When parents support their child financially and the mother makes him do this or that action, backing it up with financial encouragement or punishment.

In addition, the adult mother often manipulates her health. If a child does something wrong, then she immediately begins to have a headache, stabs in her chest, pinched under the ribs, knee swings, and so on ad infinitum.

The manipulator chooses the most important aspect for you and puts pressure on it. Resentment is a kind of manipulation. When a person takes offense at your act, he thereby wants to show that you need to apologize to him, ask for forgiveness and in every possible way to please so that this does not happen again.

One friend of mine is very good at manipulating her mood. As soon as she gets a little sad, you immediately begin to entertain her, pay attention and show interest in her in every possible way.

Sometimes this behavior is not always noticeable, skillfully hidden, not so obvious. But it is systematic. This is how you can track the manipulation.

When the same reaction of a person forces you to do something against your will, then most likely this person is trying to force you to do something on purpose.

If you are a little more attentive, you will definitely notice when they are trying to control you.

Tear off the plaster

I will say right away that the outcome of solving this problem can be sad. When a person loses his power over another person, then he is disappointed, angry, offended and may stop communicating altogether.

I met such stories quite often in my practice. When a girl gets rid of her father's control, for example, he, gripped by anger at losing control and power, decides not to communicate with her anymore.

But communication with parents is important and necessary in life. Which strategy to choose depends on what you ultimately want to achieve.

To keep mom calm and think that everything is still under her control,
so that she finally understands that she no longer has power over your actions,
so that you can establish normal and healthy communication and so on.

First, you yourself need to understand what you want to achieve in the end. Sign up to me, we will analyze the problem together and find the most acceptable solution.

When a person manipulates another person, he thereby shifts responsibility. After all, the action itself is not performed by him. Instilling a sense of responsibility in a person is extremely difficult, especially in an adult state. After all, everyone considers themselves to be smart, educated and knowledgeable people.

One of the peculiarities of mothers: I know better, I am older, I am wiser, I have more experience. The most common reasons why you need to do exactly as your mother demands.

The surest way to stop manipulating is to stop using it. Do not do as the situation requires, but act according to your own understanding and common sense. Of course, a sudden change will be perceived as very painful and disturbing. Attempts to control your life may not end at the beginning.

Over time, attempts will become more rare and may eventually come to naught. But it is not known what reaction your mother will have to a sharp disobedience. It is necessary to be ready for absolutely any outcome. In order for you to be able to commit this brave act, I advise you to familiarize yourself with my work "".

Difficult conversation

One option is to talk directly to your mother. I have always believed that when two reasonable people talk honestly, openly and without subtext, then they can agree and solve any problem. It is important here to understand whether you and your mother are capable of such a conversation.

Your task is to explain that she presses on you with her manipulations, controls your every decision and does not allow you to live independently. You must clearly state your position. That you no longer want to be in a dependent position, that you are not satisfied with the total power on the part of your mother, that you want to make decisions on your own.

The conversation should not take place in a raised tone, no insults and threats. These are just the methods of manipulators. If you see them from the mother's side, point them directly. Tell her that even now she is trying to control you. Tell me what you have lost because of her interference in your life. Be clear about your thoughts.

Of course, it will be good if you prepare for this conversation in advance. Write all your comments on a piece of paper, try to predict the possible reaction of the mother, find suitable answers from your side. You can practice with a friend or spouse.

There are those mothers who do not know how to speak at all, do not hear anyone but themselves, are absolutely sure that they are right. What if you have such a case? My work "" can help you with this question.

Also, let's look at some of the options you can use if talking isn't helping.

Complete the King's Gambit

When a simple and straightforward conversation does not help, you have to resort to various tricks.

One of my clients, for the good of her mother, simply agrees with her, tries to avoid sensitive topics, accepts all her advice, but does her own thing. The mother is calmer because the daughter agrees, and the daughter is relaxed because the mother is not nervous about every little thing. There is such an option to stop the "brain removal" by the parents.

Another option is to prove that mom's advice doesn't work. When you constantly think that you are doing everything wrong, mom is constantly unhappy with her actions, you can try to do exactly as she says. A couple of mistakes and you can adjust her advice in accordance with the experience gained.

If you are financially dependent on your parents, then you urgently need to become independent in this regard. Find a job, stop taking money from your parents, then they will no longer be able to dictate their rules to you. As long as you are in monetary bondage, you will be directly manipulated.

If your mother puts your brain on the topic of relationships (why you don't have a husband, children, it's time for you to be married, and so on), you can try to avoid this topic. To translate the conversation into another direction, a more interesting topic for the mother.

The main thing that you must understand is that you are an adult and independent person. No one can dictate their own rules to you, you build them for yourself. This is your life and only you can manage your resources, time and so on.

Learn to say no when you don't want to do something. Become more confident in yourself. Don't take judgment to heart. Remember that each person has their own opinion and you will not be able to be good for everyone, this simply does not happen.

I offer you one of my works "" for your review. Learn to be in harmony with yourself, understand your goals and objectives and confidently go towards them!

If you cannot find answers to important questions for you and are afraid that the problems that have arisen cannot be solved, sign up for a Skype consultation with me.

Share your story. Tell us about your relationship with your mother. How does she manipulate you? What tricks does he resort to? What topic is she trying to control you on? How do you deal with this and what are you doing?

Believe in yourself!

Good afternoon, dear readers! Recently I wondered if there really are so-called owls and larks and how to become a lark if you are an owl? After all, the mood you are in ...

Hello dear readers! One of the secrets of a successful person is the ability to control their emotions and use them to their advantage. Today I want to offer you useful advice from psychologists: how to become ...

Hello dear readers! It's great to stay cool in any situation. Once, I witnessed how one of my acquaintances simply stood and answered in the calmest voice to a woman who was screaming at him heart-rendingly. ...

Good morning. Let's divide your problem into two: you and your mother. Let's start with your mother. Answer a few questions:

1.How long has it been since your mom had a full health checkup? Menopause is menopause, but there may be other medical indicators. develop an insidious plan - take care of your mom and put her in the hospital to determine the level of her health. Mom is in the hospital, and you will have a little rest)))

2. How is your mom's personal life? Judging by your message, my mother does not have her, despite the fact that she, by modern standards, is still a young woman. How old is she: 45-50? You need to help mom get a gentleman))

Take the advice - arrange for your mother an evening of reincarnations: invite a familiar hairdresser (or yourself, if you have the skills), paint it - cut your mother's hair, give her a manicure-pedicure, pull on one of your outfits, put on heels, and ask to walk like a catwalk. And admire))) Remind mom that she is young and good-looking, and that all men in the world cry for such a woman))) Show attention and give your mother a couple of three compliments. Just in case, prepare a gourd, suddenly one of you two will need it))) Or write about your and her problems in "Fashionable Sentence")))

Now about you. You have the following problems:

1. low self-esteem. Remember the popular saying "they meet - according to their clothes, see them off - according to their mind", start working on yourself. you are young, I am and good-looking, you will succeed)))

2. incorrectly formed ideas about what attracts men to women. Remember, in fairy tales, Pryntsy always fall in love with their chosen ones (remember, for example, the fairy tale "Cinderella", etc.) for a kind and soft soul, and not for clothes.)))

3. Lack of ideas about how and where to make acquaintances with pryntsy. Tell me why you are only looking for a spice in your small town. There are a lot of Prynts all over the world and there is an Internet for communication with them. Just learn to correctly and psychologically competently build relationships with prynts.

You are a very patient and good daughter. And take the advice: solve problems, change inside and out, learn to stand up for yourself (unfortunately, sometimes such protection is needed from relatives). and remember, people get married for love, marriage cannot be a means of escape from "got" relatives. Enjoy your internal changes.

Wisdom to you. Lydia.

P.S. Dear customer, our experts have spent their time and their professional knowledge to answer your question. Please show your good manners: choose the best answer and mark the answers of the rest of the experts. Remember, the expert's professional view of your problem may not coincide with your opinion about it, but this is not a reason to put a minus on the expert.

4 comments

A small preface. In my distant youth, receiving my first education, I underwent practice in a kindergarten. The nuances were erased from memory, but one moment was captured clearly. Mother brings her son and kindly advises: “You don’t babysit with him, this one (here is a savory abusive epithet addressed to the five-year plan) does not understand well. If anything, yell or smack harder! " And she reinforced what she said with a jab. I, a seventeen-year-old girl, fell into a stupor, I thought the kid would squeeze, get scared. No, I took it as normal. Because for him it was the norm - the most dear person brings up obscenities. By the way, the boy understood perfectly well without strong words, cuffs and threats.

Later, while studying developmental psychology, I analyzed that case. The said boy and children like him are psychologically plastic. And the fact that mothers are constantly screaming does not turn them into downtrodden creatures. Of course, this style of upbringing affects the worldview, socialization, the ability to quickly adapt, but a naturally strong psyche serves as a powerful cushion.

However, not all daughters-sons are so "streamlined", and the consequences of parental incontinence can, unfortunately, be dire.

Why you can't humiliate and call names a child

If some are "violet" and they do not particularly react to parental attacks, then the psyche of others is irreversibly deformed. Hence the "cubs", cornered, "rags" appear, allowing to be pushed around by themselves, neurasthenics, who subsequently poison the life of both themselves and those around them.

Violence is not always identical with physical violence, moral humiliation puts pressure on the child no less. It would seem that the mother calls names, but then she will do it, nothing terrible. Only this is an illusion. The heir, who regularly listens to impartial "compliments", is unlikely to grow into a happy self-sufficient person.

This is what tough parental "love" is fraught with:

depressingly low self-esteem;
inability to make decisions;
inadequate response to criticism;
lack of one's own opinion;
chilling cruelty in response;
pathological fear of the future;
unreasonable regular lies;
fusion with the role of a dumb victim;
obvious mental disorders;
the desire to say goodbye to life.

The shocking statistics of ridiculous child suicides speak for themselves. And most often the leading motive is not the lawlessness of under-educators, but the "efforts" of the parents. Okay, let's ignore such a grim outcome, there are only enough of the other factors listed. It is unlikely that truly loving ancestors dream of nightmares with the heir, enuresis, public tantrums, complaints of poor health, wild antics allegedly for no reason, etc. You should not always blame external negative influences, sometimes it is enough to bring a psychological cleanup in your own family.

Why does mom scream and call names?

Perhaps it is high time to talk about the motives prompting the unreasonable mother to take out on her own offspring. Wore it under my heart, gently cooing even before the fry were born, suffered the pain of childbirth, pampered and shone with happiness ... So where does the progressive malice directed at the offspring come from, why does the mother begin to soar over trifles, not hesitating in expressions?

Personal example

The mother verbally humiliates the child, because the parent once shouted at her too. That is, he yells, unconsciously taking his own childhood as a model. Often, during consultations, such would-be educators are sincerely perplexed - they, they say, have grown up as normal people, and with their beloved children, they will not lose sight of a formidable shout.

Lack of control over emotions

What to do, we are all annoyed. Only some can cope with bouts of rage, while others find it easier to throw out on an unrequited loved one - on a child. It is fraught with a backlash against a husband, boss or other adult, but then she provoked, gave a slap, you see, and felt better.

Hormonal imbalance

During certain periods (pregnancy, critical days, menopause, medication, stress, climate change, etc.), a woman's hormones are naturally disrupted. As a result, irrepressible irritability cloudes the mind, and the native blood turns out to be guilty without guilt.

In revenge on the whole world

Alas, sometimes the desired baby is not always loved later. The embittered mother accuses him of all the sorrows, unfulfilled plans, blurry prospects. It beats, because the heir is a real copy of the former, because it does not justify expectations, because it is simply unable to love.

Having fun

A pathological case when the mother constantly screams and calls names, because the process itself gives the parent pleasure. There are individuals recharged from humiliation of others, and here a boy (or girl) for whipping is right at hand. Reasons for torture are not needed, such a young lady will find them out of the blue.

Accentuated character

If the inability to control oneself can be corrected, then some accentuations (heightened character traits) cannot be influenced. With this, they are born, but hysterical shifts are definitely not any excuse for a mother who turns her little life into hell every day.

Parenting style

Not to be confused with matrons who unconsciously imitate the behavior of their mothers. Here is a harsh dictatorial style that does not tolerate pink slobbering, conscious. The parent steadily scolds and fires the child, wanting to raise a strong, unbending, strong-willed personality. And breaks it down.

Disguise of powerlessness

Doesn't put away toys, doesn't help around the house, skips school, chooses the wrong friends, interferes with rest - there are many reasons for sudden outbursts. So the parental impotence is masked by a cry. Alas, sincere concern is often expressed in this way. And the unwillingness to explain or do something together too.

Why should a girl know these reasons, whose mother in an instant turns into a fury? Or a boy, fearfully awaiting the arrival of a parent and step by step trying to guess her current mood? It is important for them to understand what to do, who to contact, how to redraw the script in their favor, but here is a psychologist with the root causes ... That's right, since understanding the essence of what is happening can become a turning point. Of course, we are not talking about preschool children, but about more independent children and adolescents. About cruelty to babies below.

Mom screams over trifles - what to do?

It does not matter, for trifles or not, just humiliate and beat anyone! So, specific recommendations.

First, it is advisable to understand why the mother is screaming or raising her hand in order to understand the nature of parental tantrums. Is your mother worried, afraid, tired? After all, rage is not an independent reaction, but a natural continuation of the primary emotion. For example, she was frightened for a toddler reaching for an outlet - she spanked. She was offended by her teenage son who left dirty dishes - she yelled. I was jealous of my daughter for her ex, with whom the girl is cute on the phone - a thrashing on the way.
Or maybe the mother simply does not assume how the child feels at this time? Hence it follows secondly - you need to convey. In simple words: “Mommy, when you scream, I get very scared. I'm starting to think that you don't love me, that I'm bad, that nobody needs me. " If the parent is adequate, then a soft, artless monologue will make her think.
Third, you need to analyze your own behavior. Yes, mother's aggression is not justified by the offspring's laziness, his insolence and endless "wishes", but constructivism does not generate deliberate provocations either.
Fourthly, it is necessary to find an adult (teacher, relative, coach, neighbor) who can understand children's grievances. It is an adult who inspires confidence, not a peer. A peer does not have enough life experience to sort out the situation, and the advice of some underage “psychologists” (“get out of the house”, “forget it”, “no, try this - you will forget the sadness”) will only aggravate the situation.

Unfortunately, the parent does not always want to change the scenario of the relationship with the child. It's not easy to work on yourself, control emotions, delve into young grievances. In such cases, the law provides for drastic measures involving the intervention of the competent authorities. Even a very small victim can turn to a social educator, an inspector for juvenile affairs, a guardianship, a district police officer, an ombudsman (regional defender of children's rights).

Attention, this is really a radical measure! All-round checks and serious control are guaranteed after the appeal, the removal of the minor from the family may follow. Therefore, it is worth, discarding emotions, to weigh - is the threat real, will it be better in a state institution, is it not guided by a situational resentment for harsh but fair parental punishment?

"I want to deprive her of her parental rights!" (case from practice)

I talked with a girl who was two years old before coming of age. She zealously complained about her mother raising her without a father: “What if my mother constantly yells at me over trifles? She is always dissatisfied with something, does not leave alone for a second, ignores my desires. " Gradually, from the conversation, it became clear that the mother's demands were not so unreasonable, and the girl's desires were in a fun and unencumbered pastime, in extorting expensive rags, gadgets and money. It seems, nothing special, if not for the last phrase: "Do you think I can deprive her of parental rights?"

The psychologist should not shame, preach sermons, impose ways out. A person, even if he is guilty hundreds of times, is so bad - he got confused, that's why he turned. The task of the specialist is to outline the prospects, to emphasize possible minuses and pluses, to throw in (together!) Options for solutions. I had to puzzle the young lady with questions: “Are you ready to live in a boarding school? Are you aware that the control over your studies will be even better? Are you sure you will never, ever need your mother's support? " Oops ... It turns out that such obvious nuances were not even taken into account. With her immature mind, she believed that she would soon get rid of edifying control, plus the state would unfasten her significant capital. The girl abandoned her idea.

The final advice was simple: “Very soon, in just a couple of years, you will be able to decide for yourself where and how to live, work or study further, with whom to communicate, what to spend money on, whom to rely on. This is only a part of your life path, a very short segment that you need to wait out. And now, for a more or less comfortable coexistence up to your eighteen years, you need to find a compromise with your mother. " I know about the future fate of my client in general terms: I entered college, gave birth after the third year, completed my studies by correspondence. Who helped with the baby? The same mother, from whom the ignorant in the skirt wanted to officially refuse. It's good that reason then prevailed, but she could have broken wood ...

Mom and adult child - conflict under one roof

There are frequent cases of problem relationships, where the main roles are played by adult children and their mothers. The age of the child is not important, he himself may be a parent, but the mother continues to swear, harass with nagging, manipulate. There are only two options here.

The first is finding a compromise, patience, calm arguments.
The second is to go along your life path, to leave with a tyrant parent, to acquire your own, albeit rented, housing.

Yes, not everyone has the opportunity to do this, since there is a certain dependence on their ancestors: financial, looking after grandchildren, health problems, unwillingness to grow up, etc. Well, you will have to return to the first option - compromises, patience, arguments.

When non-interference is criminal

We found out what to do for grown-up children, but what about crumbs? To whom should preschool children stomp, whom to count on? On other adults - the father, relatives, neighbors, passers-by, fellow travelers. Indifference in such cases is criminal, and if there is swearing behind the wall, regular children's sobs, sounds that indicate violence, you must intervene!

Once I read discussions in which people shared non-standard ways of solving various social problems. One of the members of the forum wrote: “New neighbors settled in, and on the very first evening a virtuoso swearing sounded from their apartment. And the female one. At first I thought it was so easy on her husband, but not on her little daughter. I listened for a day, for two, on the third I threw a letter in which I colorfully told what I thought, where I would turn, what consequences awaited the loud-voiced unrestrained madam. That's it, the screams have stopped! " I believe, since tyrants are often cowardly, it is enough for them to make it clear that you are aware and are not going to remain silent. Other approaches are possible, but it is unacceptable to ignore any manifestation of aggression towards children!