The curiosity of others. How to get away from him? What to do with personal inquiries? How beautiful it is to avoid questions

Question to psychologists

Hello! I really want to know how you can answer questions about your personal life and work so that people do not bother with detailed questions?
Due to poor health and chronic diseases, it is very difficult for me to work outside the home, so I chose the best option for working on the Internet. But I am asked over and over again why I "don't work" and "stay at home." Also, due to poor health, I know for sure that I will not be able to raise a child, to say nothing, sometimes there is not enough strength even for myself. But they keep up with the questions "when to get married?" and "when will you give birth?", "why not married yet?"
Previously, these questions did not bother me, I answered and continue to answer always honestly, as it is. But with each month and with each new question about work and family, I just don't know what to do ... I tried not to answer anything at all, to translate the topic, to speak openly that I would not touch on such topics, but still the same ... People do not seem to hear me, as if bewitched on repeat scrolling through all the same questions ... What can you do and where to look for your mistake?

Received 4 advice - consultations from psychologists, to the question: What to do with questions about the personal?

Hello Nadezhda!

The more you worry about your work and personal life, the more questions others will ask about these topics. This is how the Universe forces you to deal with the problems that really concern you.

Probably, deep down in your heart you yourself think that you do not work and stay at home. When you come to the feeling that working on the Internet is the same work as everyone else, accept this and calm down, other people will stop asking you about it. And if they ask, then you either calmly answer them that this is your choice, or refuse to discuss this topic.

The same goes for personal life. The questions will end when you either change something or accept everything as it is.

If you need help, please contact. You can work on skype.

Stolyarova Marina Valentinovna, consultant psychologist, St. Petersburg

Good answer6 Bad answer3

Hello Nadezhda,

tact is not the strongest side of people in the post-Soviet space :) besides, such questions probably seem to your acquaintances a good way to maintain a conversation with a person about whom little is known. Your decision on what to do in these situations does not have to be the same for everyone. Probably, for each questioner it can be different. Whoever is closer - can be told about the intricacies of work that looks like "sitting at home" and about health problems. So that next time they can ask about health and work. With the rest, clearly defend their boundaries, an arsenal of protection: from humor to rudeness. But to stop other people's inquiries is not in your power, this is a given of existing social norms, you can only protect yourself from importunity. It is really surprising that you are looking for your mistake when people ask you about something. These are other people with all their history, unpredictability and upbringing, your area of \u200b\u200bresponsibility is your reaction (minimally traumatic for you personally), and not their questions.

Yours faithfully,

Dorofeeva Olga, psychoanalyst in St. Petersburg

Good answer8 Bad answer0

Hope, hello! I read your letter, I thought about why it is important for you to convey truthful information to those who ask. What for? Your detailed answers about the reasons why you work from home, and not go to the "service" every day, very much like an excuse. Do you really think that you are doing something wrong? It seems to me that there are two parts. First, this is what I am writing about, this is about your stability: "I live the way I can and want! And this is my choice!" And the second part, what happens to you when other people violate your boundaries so unceremoniously? Get angry, but for some reason you are afraid to tell people that this is not their business, that you do not like it when you are asked such questions. Why can it be so difficult to show anger? The fact is that people do not see their aggression, it looks like CARE! It seems to me that it is important for you to regain the right to be angry, and everything will fall into place. And accept your own choice. As for your health, I sympathize. Only you are young and everything can still change. I wish you health, happiness, interesting work and interesting people nearby. Sincerely. WITH.

Androsova Sofia Izmailovna, psychologist, Ufa

Good answer4 Bad answer2

Good afternoon, Nadezhda! It's amazing that you are being asked this way. This means that people see in you that you are capable of more and deserve more. Maybe it's too early to stop yourself, taking a position that seems comfortable to you. Maybe it is worthwhile to make plans a little higher than the bar that you have now measured for yourself? What is your name - Nadezhda, as if they gave you on purpose so that you do not lose her? Wish you happiness!

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"Why not married?", "How much do you earn?", "Who will you vote for?" - these and other similar tactless questions cause shuddering among many of us. What to do if the interlocutor asked a question and you do not want or simply cannot answer it?

site will tell you about 9 beautiful ways to get away from the answer. And the bonus at the end of the article will tell you what to do if you come across an annoying interlocutor for whom these tricks do not work.

1. Ask clarifying questions

To knock the ground out from under the feet of the interlocutor, ask him clarifying questions, and the more there are, the better. Answering them, he will get confused and lose the thread of the conversation. The main thing is to ask questions with a serious expression on your face so that the interlocutor does not feel a catch. By the way, if you are talking with a person who is not very close, you can refuse to answer questions about salary or about work in general, referring to a commercial secret.

2. Compliment

Compliments related to the question you are asked will look simpler and more natural. For example, if you are asked about children, praise the child or grandchild of the other person. And add some general answer - "everything has its time", "as soon as possible," "does not depend on me" and so on. Compliments like people and at the same time embarrass them a little. Therefore, the interlocutor is unlikely to further develop the topic. The main thing is that the praise corresponds to the true state of affairs, otherwise your compliment will be perceived as sarcasm.

3. Specify the reason for the question

Ask the other person what prompted him to ask the question, and after answering, continue to develop this topic. For example, guess this or that reason for the question... Thus, the conversation will change direction, and the uncomfortable question will remain unanswered.

4. Answer with a joke

You can laugh it off from an inappropriate question in those cases when there is confidence that the joke will be understood and appreciated... This method works best in a large company, because the more people around, the higher the likelihood that someone will laugh and tell another joke in return, thereby saving you the need to answer the question.

5. Start pouring water

This method is often used by politicians and various public figures. As a result, the interlocutor seems to receive an answer to his question, but he will not be able to say exactly what he was answered. The method is ideal for people whose strong point is eloquence.

6. Answer a question to a question

Another favorite technique of politicians and other persons with high public status. This method is used quite often, which is why it often causes irritation. Therefore, it is better to use it only in exceptional cases.

7. Shine with intelligence

The method is useful if knowledge allows you to develop a deep discussion on a topic you have set... A large number of really interesting facts can distract even the most annoying interlocutor from the question asked.

8. Reframe the question

The meaning of this method is to make the interlocutor feel the absurdity, inappropriateness of his question. It's important not to overdo it with sarcasmotherwise, the interlocutor may be offended.Remember, your goal is to keep the person in good stead (as long as he doesn't ask inappropriate questions too often).

Use the weapon of the interlocutor and interrogate him with passion. For example, ask why he asks and what will change your answer.

If you keep friendly intonations, the degree of rudeness in this method is practically zero. At the same time, you squeeze the questioner from your territory back to neutral. If you are lucky, the person will understand that the question is tactless.

Are you going to buy an apartment at all, or are you going to live in a rented apartment until old age?

Will my answer affect anything? Or why are you interested?

2. Transform the question

An inconvenient topic can be directed in the right direction by clarifying the subject of the conversation before starting to answer. It is important to navigate quickly so that the interlocutor does not have time to bring you back.

Is there a groom, or will you die surrounded by cats?

You mean cats scare away grooms? What are you, my cats are very friendly, because I took them from a shelter. By the way, I advise you, a cat will always come in handy on the farm. Moreover, the cats from the shelter are so grateful.

3. Pour water

Answer verbatim not to the question asked, but to a very close one, keeping the main subject of the conversation unchanged. The method does not give one hundred percent guarantee, since the interlocutor may not be so easily confused, but it works. At least for politicians.

If nothing comes to mind, start answering the question from afar. Until you get to the point, the topic fades by itself.

Why haven't you been promoted yet? You have been working in this place for a very long time.

As a child, I always looked at adults who came back from work in the evening, and thought that one day I was going to have it too. Then it seemed to me that this is great, because at work you do not need to sleep and eat semolina. What a fatal mistake! ..

If you need to distract the other person, give him the opportunity to talk about what he (in his opinion) understands. Ask for advice and listen carefully to the answer.

Just do not ask questions related to the main topic of the conversation. If you ask, for example, how to find a spouse, in response to the question why you are not, then you risk every meeting to report how the search is progressing. So switch your interlocutor to the most abstract topic.

Are you going to look for a normal job or are you going to freelance?

So far, I am concerned with the renovation. By the way, you recently moved the floor in the rooms. Is it realistic to cover the floor with a board now, or is it worth it like a cast-iron bridge? What have you chosen? And why?

5. laugh it off

If you are not a sparkling stand-up comedian, it is better to prepare in advance. The annoying questions are usually the same, so you can come up with an answer for each and give it out every time someone steps on the slippery ground of tactlessness.

Why don't you have children?

You know, I ask myself all the time, why don't I have children. But in the end I can't come to an agreement with myself, I quarrel and even stop talking to myself. Apparently, we will have to wait a little longer, otherwise we will have to part with ourselves on this basis.

6. Be clear about your discontent

There are questions that annoy you, but generally decent, and there are frankly tactless ones. And if we are talking about the latter option, take courage and outline what is permitted so that your words cannot be interpreted ambiguously.

Do you look bad, are you sick of something?

I doubt this question is appropriate. I am ready to discuss the state of health only with the attending physician.

7. Ignore the question

This option will require some acting skills from you. Continue as if you haven't heard the question. When the other person repeats it, continue to bend your line. Sooner or later he will get bored.

If it seems to you that you will not be able to cope, move away from the question in the literal sense of the word. Tell him you need to go away for a minute. Come back with a prepared topic for conversation.

When will you finally marry Masha?

Excuse me for a second.

Have you seen the last Tarantino film?

8. Mirror someone else's tactlessness

You, of course, are a well-mannered person and do not want to be rude in response to the uninvited. But some people, in their manifestations of curiosity, do not give up even after having tried all the previous methods. In this case, a little aggression doesn't hurt.

True, it is better not to look for the vulnerability of the interlocutor in order to hit harder - why should you sink to his level? He himself gives you the weapon - his own question. Just return it in a formulation that will bring the questioner to clean water.

When will you have a normal haircut?

Do I understand correctly that you consider my haircut unsuccessful and think that I should adapt to your taste, and not to mine?

How do you get away from tactless questions?

Human life is a series of "white" and "black" stripes, in which awkward moments are not complete. Unpleasant situations are created by criminals trying to demonstrate to society the flaws of their opponent. Excessive curiosity of friends or intrusiveness of a boss who is interested in your fate - provocative questions accompany a person throughout the entire "path". To assess the extent of the lack of upbringing among the interlocutors or the desire to harm, you need to familiarize yourself with the traditional set of phrases that confuse people.

When will you be called in to marry? Why did you divorce? How much do you earn? How are you worried? Are you planning to "do" children soon? Where did you study? How much did you spend on vacation? How did you make money for a premium car? At such moments, a single thought hovers in a person's mind: "How to avoid answering an unpleasant question?"

If you do not care about the feelings and emotions of the interlocutor, then it is recommended to directly inform him about the lack of desire during the conversation.

How not to offend a person with your answer?

Often, uncomfortable questions are asked by work partners or older people you respect. What to do in such a situation? Showing aggression, voicing or avoiding an answer is an inappropriate decision, because you will show disrespect for the interlocutor. Psychologists advise you to follow three rules that help change the course of events without revealing your own dissatisfaction with what is happening:

• Change the topic of conversation without considering the question asked.

- I think I saw you at the restaurant this weekend. You said you'd be busy?

- I have such a standard type of appearance that I am constantly confused with someone. What was this restaurant? Tell me, please. It is interesting to know which establishments I prefer to visit.

• Answer in general terms so that the interlocutor does not notice the catch.

- Do you know anything about the abolition of serfdom in Russia?

- Why do you think so? The scale of the history of the Russian Federation boggles the imagination of foreigners. Is it possible that a native resident might not know about such an event? Only there is no desire to remember difficult times for the state, forgive me.

• Imagine the situation in which they are trying to put you from a different angle.

- Do you always spend so much time on a simple task?

- Work should be judged not by the number of minutes, but by the quality of the result!

Following simple rules, you will be able to correctly and constructively answer the question that interests the interlocutor without offending him. This format of communication will not harm your reputation, because you participate in the dialogue, independently choosing the vector of the conversation.

Visually showing dissatisfaction with an issue is not a practical solution. The interlocutor will only increase the pressure on you by adding 2-3 more caustic phrases to the spoken words

Methods to avoid answering inappropriate questions

Dialogue is the art of building communication with a person, where one awkward phrase can destroy faith in one's own strength. Regardless, it is recommended to treat the spoken words with full responsibility. Careless expression becomes the cause of a conflict situation, and a timely set is an effective prerequisite for friendly relations. To avoid unpleasant situations, correctly avoiding impolite questions, be guided in conversations by the following rules:

• "Cut off" the statement of the interlocutor, letting him realize that you do not want to continue the conversation on this topic.
• Ask a counter question to divert the “opponent's” attention from your personality, taking extra time to think about the answer.
• Pretend full of confidence that you have not heard the phrase said in your address, leaving it unattended.
• Parry an unpleasant question with wit and humor, and get the support of the public who appreciated your joke.
• If you have the gift of eloquence, then do not hesitate to answer the question. Just start the story with the phrase: "In my childhood ...", preparing the interlocutor for a detailed story.
• Pour "water" without avoiding participation in the conversation, which takes on a completely different format.
• For a specific question addressed to you, ask a lot of counter, clarifying phrases, baffling the interlocutor.
• Ask the interested person about the prerequisites for the emergence of such a formulation. Ask about his intentions, distracting from unpleasant dialogue.
• Focus on the vocabulary present in the question, ask the “opponent” about the reason for using such speech patterns.
• If you are not deprived of an acting talent, then play a depressive hero from the dramatic works of William Shakespeare. To be or not to be?
• Ignore the person whose question you don't like.

In an unpleasant dialogue - faithful "assistants", confusing the enemy. Do not give in so that the other person is convinced of your competence. Don't show your fears by preventing someone from attacking you who has embarrassed you. Social memory is a long-lasting phenomenon, which means that it will be extremely difficult to change the prevailing stereotypes about you. It is more rational to prevent such a development of events by observing the above recommendations.

If the interlocutor, in response to a counter question, expresses a desire to continue the discussion, then without a dash of doubt say that you are not interested in the development of events. A direct response of this content will put a person seeking to convict you of something into a stupor

Options for universal answers

Situations in life happen different, so people should have universal answers to unpleasant questions. Such phrases will help maintain self-esteem without questioning society's impeccable reputation. It will become easier to deal with stress in exciting moments, because you will always have 2-3 well-thought-out answers for unfriendly interlocutors:

• You are an amazing person, whose personal qualities I am infinitely admired! Is the ability to ask rhetorical questions an innate talent for you?
• For what purpose are you interested?
• You really know how to ask a question that baffles the interlocutor! How to learn this art of dialogue? Would you like to share?
• I already have an answer to the question you are interested in, but first I want to be curious: Why do you need this information?
• Do you insist on this format of conversation? I have no desire to discuss such topics.
• I'm sure you know the answer to this question.

When building a dialogue with someone who wants to put you in an awkward situation, prefer to remain calm and determined. The interlocutor, who did not notice the opponent's fear, will slow down the "momentum", abandoning the strategy of passive aggression. Remember that only the ability to maintain self-esteem, reinforced by charisma, can you achieve social recognition, withstanding the attacks of competitors.

So that impolite or unpleasant questions do not knock you out of your usual "rut", strive for peace of mind. Inner harmony is the key to decent behavior in stressful situations. It is not surprising that attackers turn to balanced and self-confident people with incorrect questions much less often.

Difficult questions - what to do? Our life is bright and multifaceted. Day after day we meet dozens of people, communicate on the street, at work, at home. Passers-by, friends, colleagues, relatives - we are connected with each other by thin threads of communication. But communication does not always bring us joy. How often an unexpected question compromises, unsettles, and simply baffles. I really want to get out of this situation beautifully, without losing face. But how? How to get away from answering a question that you want to answer or you simply don’t know how to answer?

• The simplest thing is to change the subject. For example, to the question: “Weren't you in this terrible club?” - answer: “There are so many entertainment centers in our city! And next week we have an exhibition of Chagall himself! "

• When at the right moment there is no answer to a direct question, you can skillfully replace it with a generalizing answer: "And you know absolutely nothing about the Battle of Borodino?" - "Oh, it was a great battle, but our history knows so many grandiose battles!" ... And to develop the story in this direction.

• You can try to make the person look at you from the other side: "Do you always do this kind of work so slowly?" - "Perhaps, but in my work quality and meaningfulness prevail!"

How to answer an unpleasant question

• And if the opponent tries to humiliate us, you can crush him with intellect: "Where did you learn to write so clumsily?" “Oh my friend, what do you know about calligraphy? About its development, about Western European, Indian directions? Are you to judge this? "

• Often we are offended by the closest people. You can get out of this situation by clicking on the moral side of the relationship: "When was the last time you looked at yourself in the mirror?" - “You are the closest person to me! And you understand that time has no power over us! How does your conscience allow you to talk like that? "

• You can confuse the questioner with a question to the question: "Aren't you tired of reading during working hours?" - "And who doesn't part with a cup of coffee all day?"

• And we have the right not to answer some questions at all. Were we unjustly offended by the question? Let's measure the offender with a contemptuous look - with a condescending look, proudly arched an eyebrow, and simply leave, leaving him alone to bathe in our negativity!

Interpersonal relationships are a very delicate thing. One awkward question can erode self-confidence and destroy a close, trusting relationship. And life itself constantly asks us difficult questions. It is important to carry light, positive, faith in yourself, to do good. And then you will find the answers you need! And nothing can stop us from going through life with a light, perky gait! And you will not let anyone put yourself in an uncomfortable position, you know now how to avoid answering in any situation.