Conflicting relationships with parents. Why and how to be? School conflicts: types, solutions, techniques and examples How to resolve a conflict with parents and children

In the course of his professional activity, the teacher, in addition to his direct responsibilities related to teaching and educating the younger generation, has to communicate with colleagues, students, and their parents.

With daily interaction, it is hardly possible to do without conflict situations. And is it really necessary? After correctly resolving a tense moment, it is easy to achieve good constructive results, bring people closer, help them understand each other, and make progress in educational aspects.

Definition of conflict. Destructive and constructive ways of solving conflict situations

What is conflict? The definitions of this concept can be divided into two groups. In the public consciousness, conflict is most often synonymous with hostile, negative opposition of people due to the incompatibility of interests, norms of behavior, goals.

But there is another understanding of the conflict as an absolutely natural phenomenon in the life of society, which does not necessarily lead to negative consequences. On the contrary, when choosing the right channel for its course, it is an important component of the development of society.

Depending on the results of solving conflict situations, they can be designated as destructive or constructive... The result destructivecollision is the dissatisfaction of one or both parties with the result of the collision, the destruction of relations, resentment, misunderstanding.

Constructiveis a conflict, the solution of which became useful for the parties who took part in it, if they built, acquired something valuable for themselves in it, remained satisfied with its result.

Variety of school conflicts. Causes and solutions

School conflict is a multifaceted phenomenon. When communicating with participants in school life, the teacher also has to be a psychologist. The following "debriefing" of collisions with each group of participants can become a "cheat sheet" for the teacher in exams on the subject of "School conflict".

Disciple-disciple conflict

Disagreements between children are common, including in school life. In this case, the teacher is not a conflicting party, but it is sometimes necessary to take part in a dispute between students.

Causes of conflicts between students

struggle for authority
rivalry
deception, gossip
insults
resentment
hostility to the teacher's favorite students
personal dislike for a person
sympathy without reciprocity
fight for a girl (boy)

Ways to resolve conflicts between students

How can such differences be resolved constructively? Very often, children can resolve a conflict situation on their own, without the help of an adult. If teacher intervention is still necessary, it is important to do so in a calm manner. Better to do without pressure on the child, without a public apology, limiting ourselves to a hint. It is better if the student himself finds an algorithm for solving this problem. Constructive conflict will add social skills to the child's piggy bank of experience that will help him communicate with peers, teach him how to solve problems, which will be useful to him in adult life.

After resolving the conflict situation, the dialogue between the teacher and the child is important. It is good to call the student by name, it is important that he feels an atmosphere of trust and goodwill. You can say something like: “Dima, a conflict is not a reason to worry. There will be many more such disagreements in your life, and this is not bad. It is important to solve it correctly, without mutual reproaches and insults, to draw conclusions, some work on mistakes. Such a conflict will be useful. "

The child often quarrels and shows aggression if he does not have friends and hobbies. In this case, the teacher can try to rectify the situation by talking with the student's parents, recommending to enroll the child in a circle or sports section, according to his interests. A new activity will not leave time for intrigue and gossip, it will give you an interesting and useful pastime, new acquaintances.

Conflict "Teacher - parent of student"

Such conflicting actions can be provoked by both the teacher and the parent. Dissatisfaction can be mutual.

Causes of the conflict between teacher and parents

different views of the parties about the means of education
parental dissatisfaction with the teacher's teaching methods
personal animosity
parent's opinion about unjustified underestimation of the child's grades

Ways to resolve the conflict with the student's parents

How can such grievances be resolved constructively and the stumbling blocks be broken? When a conflict situation arises at school, it is important to understand it calmly, realistically, without distortion to look at things. Usually, everything happens in a different way: the conflicting one turns a blind eye to his own mistakes, while simultaneously looking for them in the opponent's behavior.

When the situation is soberly assessed and the problem is outlined, it is easier for the teacher to find the true reason, assess the correctness of the actions of both parties, and outline the way to a constructive resolution of the unpleasant moment.

The next step on the road to agreement will be an open dialogue between the teacher and the parent, where the parties are equal. The analysis of the situation will help the teacher express his thoughts and ideas about the problem to the parent, show understanding, clarify the common goal, and together find a way out of the current situation.

After the resolution of the conflict, the conclusions drawn about what was done wrong and how to act so that the tense moment does not come will help prevent similar situations in the future.

Example

Anton is a self-confident high school student who does not have extraordinary abilities. Relations with the children in the class are cool, there are no school friends.
At home, the boy characterizes the children from a negative side, pointing out their shortcomings, fictional or exaggerated, shows dissatisfaction with the teachers, notes that many teachers underestimate his grades.
Mom unconditionally trusts her son, assent to him, which further spoils the boy's relationship with his classmates, causes negativity to teachers.
The volcano of conflict explodes when a parent enters the school in anger, complaining about the teachers and school administration. No persuasion or persuasion has a cooling effect on her. The conflict does not end until the child finishes school. Obviously, this situation is destructive.

What can be a constructive approach to solving an urgent problem?

Using the above recommendations, we can assume that Anton's class teacher could have analyzed the situation like this: “Anton provoked the conflict between the mother and the school teachers. This speaks of the boy's inner dissatisfaction with his relations with the children in the class. The mother added fuel to the fire without understanding the situation, increasing her son's hostility and distrust towards the people around him at school. What caused the return, which was expressed by the cool attitude of the guys towards Anton. "

The common goal of parent and teacher could be desire to close Anton's relationship with the class.

A good result can be given by a dialogue between the teacher and Anton and his mother, which would show the desire of the class teacher to help the boy... It is important that Anton himself wants to change. It is good to talk with the children in the class so that they reconsider their attitude towards the boy, entrust them with joint responsible work, organize extracurricular activities that contribute to the unity of the children.

Conflict "Teacher - student"

Such conflicts are perhaps the most frequent, because students and teachers spend time together hardly less than parents and children.

Causes of conflicts between teacher and students

lack of unity in the requirements of teachers
excessive demands on the student
volatility of teacher demands
failure to meet requirements by the teacher himself
the student considers himself underappreciated
the teacher cannot come to terms with the student's shortcomings
personal qualities of a teacher or student (irritability, helplessness, rudeness)

Resolving the conflict between teacher and student

It is better to defuse a tense situation without leading it to conflict. To do this, you can use some psychological tricks.

Natural reactions to irritability and raising of the voice are similar actions.... The consequence of a conversation in a raised voice will be an aggravation of the conflict. Therefore, the correct action on the part of the teacher is a calm, benevolent, confident tone in response to the student's violent reaction. Soon the child will be "infected" with the calmness of the teacher.

Dissatisfaction and irritability most often come from students who are lagging behind who perform school duties in bad faith. You can inspire a student to succeed in school and help forget about his discontent by entrusting him with a responsible task and expressing confidence that he will do it well.

A benevolent and fair attitude towards students will be the key to a healthy atmosphere in the classroom, making it easy to implement the proposed recommendations.

It is worth noting that it is important to consider certain things in the dialogue between teacher and student. It is worth preparing for it in advance so that you know what to say to your child. How to say - the component is no less important. A calm tone and the absence of negative emotions are what you need to get a good result. And the command tone that teachers often use, reproaches and threats are better to forget. You need to be able to listen and hear the child.

If punishment is necessary, it is worth considering it in such a way as to exclude humiliation of the student, a change in attitude towards him.

Example

A sixth grade student, Oksana, does poorly in her studies, is irritable and rude in dealing with the teacher. At one of the lessons, the girl prevented other children from completing assignments, threw pieces of paper at the children, did not react to the teacher even after several remarks about herself. Oksana did not react to the teacher's request to leave the classroom either, remaining sitting still. The teacher's irritation led him to the decision to stop teaching, and after the call to leave the whole class after lessons. This naturally led to the discontent of the guys.

Such a solution to the conflict entailed destructive changes in the understanding between the student and the teacher.

A constructive solution to the problem might look like this. After Oksana ignored the teacher's request to stop interfering with the children, the teacher could get out of the situation by jokingly saying something with an ironic smile to the girl, for example: “Oksana has eaten little porridge today, the range and accuracy of her throw suffers, the last piece of paper and did not reach the addressee. " After that, calmly continue to lead the lesson further.

After the lesson, you could try to talk to the girl, show her your benevolent attitude, understanding, desire to help. It is a good idea to talk with the girl's parents to find out the possible reason for this behavior. Paying more attention to the girl, trusting responsible assignments, providing assistance in completing tasks, encouraging her actions with praise - all this would be useful in the process of bringing the conflict to a constructive outcome.

A unified algorithm for solving any school conflict

Having studied the recommendations given for each of the conflicts at school, one can trace the similarity of their constructive resolution. Let us denote it again.

The first thing that will be useful when a problem is ripe is calmness.
The second point is the analysis of the situation no vicissitudes.
The third important point is open dialogue between conflicting parties, the ability to listen to the interlocutor, calmly state your view on the problem of the conflict.
The fourth thing that will help to come to the desired constructive result - identifying a common goal, ways to solve the problem, allowing you to come to this goal.
The last, fifth point will be findingsthat will help you avoid communication and interaction mistakes in the future.

So what exactly is conflict? Good or evil? The answers to these questions lie in the way we deal with stressful situations. The absence of conflicts at school is almost impossible.... And you still have to solve them. A constructive solution leads to a relationship of trust and peace in the classroom, a destructive one - accumulates resentment and irritation. To stop and think at the moment when irritation and anger flood over is an important moment in choosing your own way of resolving conflict situations.

Photo: Ekaterina Afanasyicheva.

Resolution program conflict may include several stages: highlighting the problem of conflict; search for solutions to neutralize it; development of a permit procedure; implementation of the conflict resolution plan; assessment of the correctness of the decision.

Highlighting the problem of conflict. The first step is to acknowledge the existence of conflict. Do not think that everything will resolve by itself, but, without wasting time, correctly identify the problem that led to the conflict. The technology for determining the problem is as follows. The conflicting parties must express their point of view on the problem. Only those teachers or parents who are directly involved in the conflict should be included in such a dialogue. Participation by members of conflicting groups should be voluntary and informed. The most difficult role belongs to the person who undertook to resolve the conflict. He will act as an arbitrator. And for this it is necessary to move away from personal preferences and interests and observe from the outside. The main goal of such a person's participation is to identify the factors that each of the parties missed, analyze them and give them a competent assessment.

Search for solutions to neutralize it. After identifying the problem of the conflict, a joint search for its resolution begins. Here the position of the leadership in resolving the conflict is subtler. It is necessary to stimulate the parties to the conflict to speak out about the proposed ways out of this situation. It is important to take into account the fact that in a conflict situation people do not like to be judged on their proposals. They are more active in producing ideas if they do not expect evaluation, especially from the outside. It is very important to choose from the proposed ideas one that would take into account the opinions of the two parties and satisfy their requirements.

Development of a conflict resolution procedure. The existence of a conflict is recognized by all participants. It is important to work out the "rules of the game" here: who, when, in what composition and where will discuss unresolved problems. The main thing at this stage is to stop fruitless disputes. It is important to develop criteria for a positive resolution of the conflict and the establishment of a time frame for its resolution. The timing must be agreed upon and accepted by all parties to the conflict. All stakeholders are involved in this action.

Implementation of a conflict resolution plan ... The main action at this stage is to immediately start resolving the conflict after the parties have agreed on this. If you delay, the parties begin to suspect each other and the “resolver” of the conflict situation of insincerity and deceit. It is useful to involve informal leaders of the collective in the settlement of the conflict, having previously clarified their position on the issue being resolved. In every parenting community, there are such leaders.

Like any activity, the implementation of a conflict resolution plan can be successful under the following conditions:

* creation of an atmosphere of cooperation;

* the presence of understanding of all parties to the conflict;

* transfer of the conflict from an emotional state to a rational one;

* taking into account the individual characteristics of teachers involved in the conflict;

* neutralization of slow processes of the conflict, assistance in its resolution;

* search for optimal methods of conflict management;

* regulation of the relationship of the parties to the conflict;

* use of intraschool information in the derivation of some claims from the conditions of the conflict;

* designation of your position - an impartial judge.

Assessment of the correctness of the decision. At this stage, the effectiveness of the actions of the members of the conflict situation is assessed. The most important thing is to make sure that the maximum number of participants is sufficient. It is hardly possible to achieve full agreement, there will always be one or two people who disagree with the decision. The most important criterion is the end of the conflict. After the successful implementation of the decision made, it is useful to return to the discussion again and find out whether this decision suits the majority of the parent team or not? If not, why, what prevents its implementation. If the majority is disappointed in the decision, it is necessary to take a new one, having gone through all the above stages. The teacher should be more courageous in making a new decision and not be afraid to change the situation. "The road will be mastered by the one walking!" I would like to end the conversation about conflicts in the school environment with the words of the great Roman thinker, politician and orator Cicero: "Every person is inherently mistaken, but no one, except a fool, tends to persist in his mistake."

Parents may or may not agree with the requirements of the school, they may partially accept them. The main thing in the interaction of the two institutions - family and school - is that any wrong step does not hurt the main participant in possible conflicts or parental claims - the child.

How can parents find a common language with teachers?

ADVICE OF AN EXPERIENCE TEACHER

To parent notebook

❀ Try to see teachers not as rivals, but as companions.

❀ Remember - parents are not teachers, they need teacher's help.

❀ Be genuinely interested in your child's school problems.

❀ Always try to support teachers in the eyes of your child.

❀ Do not use the information received about the conditions of raising in other families.

❀ Tell the teacher about aspects of your children’s character that are hidden from them.

❀ Remember - the main principle of joint work of the school and the family is "Do no harm!"

❀ If you are led to a conflict, think about where it will lead.

Notes for grandparents

❀ Prompt your children that it is better to solve any business peacefully.

❀ Try to go to school with the parents of your grandchildren.

❀ Encourage parents to be involved in class activities.

❀ Use your wisdom to prevent looming conflicts.

❀ Try not to get involved in the conflict, even if it is initiated by your daughter or son-in-law.

Reader question:

Good day! My conflict with my parents has not stopped for 12 years now: from the moment I left my hometown to study in Moscow.

It all started at 17, when, having started an isolated life away from home, I began to become independent. Any trifle caused problems and quarrels: the wrong clothes or hairstyle, skin condition, the presence or absence of a manicure. Also, my mother was offended that I did not share my experiences with her. When I shared them, over time, these same shared experiences were blamed on me.

Gradually I moved away. There was even a period when, to my greatest shame, I did not feel anything towards my parents. And they were beating in my closed heart and could not reach him with tears or threats. I must say that for the first time I heard "if you ...., then you no longer have parents", at 19, when we were traveling in full uniforms on a commuter train on a several-day hike with fellow students. I could not refuse the campaign, and I considered the campaign a highly exaggerated reason for such measures. Upon my return, there were lengthy telephone conversations with mutual accusations.

In the future, such words began to be spoken more often. The reasons remained trivial. I was not allowed to give a temporary shelter to my friend in the room I rented (until she finds a new apartment for herself), you cannot communicate with her, because she has a bad influence on me. Then it became impossible to invite a family of college friends to stay for a week in order to understand whether they could live in my city and work in Moscow, because my father and mother are against me turning the apartment into a hostel. Mom didn't like both my friend and the family of friends: indeed, after communicating with them, a desire to live and create wakes up in me.

When I first got married in defiance of my parental will, I, unfortunately, listened to my mother's advice and thereby destroyed my family. My divorce was greeted with joy and a rejuvenated mother. Unfortunately, my mother always liked the young people with whom I met at first, but the clearer the seriousness of their intentions became, the less sympathy my gentleman aroused.

I'm married now. A little less than a year. We met my husband thanks to my mother's insistence to register on the site. When we met our parents, we announced our desire not to celebrate the wedding, but simply to sign. And to gather relatives for the wedding. Initially, nothing was said against. But for the wedding we were literally forced to do differently: to invite our parents to the painting, because it is important for them. My husband did not make a concession and from that moment the conflict entered the next round. We were asked to postpone the wedding, we postponed. But they signed as planned.

With this conflict, I went to the priest for advice. I was advised to shorten the communication. It was possible to perform it only recently - we did not communicate for almost 2 weeks. Honestly, these weeks were so calm that I was amazed. Recently it became clear that my parents expected these weeks to be a lesson and punishment for me for misbehavior. And I have nothing like that.

All my thoughts are busy looking for a solution to the conflict. My husband feels like a useless appendage to my relationship with my parents and gets upset that I do not heed the advice of either father or his. He dropped his hands somehow to pull me out of this quagmire. And after all, he is right in many ways - I have no idea how to be a spouse. I can’t either grow up or accept. The problem has worn me out to the extreme. I feel that although I don’t listen to my mother and don’t let her into my family, my family is like an abandoned boat ... I cannot just forget about my parents and call once a month. I love my dad very much. I am tormented by my conscience for hurting my parents, that they shed tears. And I also can't switch to creating my family. I am very afraid to destroy everything that the Lord has given me. I am reading the Gospel about parents. But I can't cope with the situation ... Help, please! Maybe I need a psychologist or psychotherapist?

Psychologist's answer:

Daria, hello!

Thanks for the detailed description of the situation.
I will immediately answer your question - you really need to go to a psychologist and as soon as possible, here's why:

Your relationship with your parents is not just a protracted conflict. This is the so-called codependent relationship - the emotional dependence of some family members on others.

In such a situation, any trifle can really become a problem, especially if it somehow indicates an attempt to separate, become independent, or oppose something to the opinion of the parents. They will be held by any means, and you described it perfectly. The good news is that this is a fairly common problem and there are tried and tested solutions. And the solution to this issue depends on you - you cannot control a person without his consent (conscious or unconscious). But there are several types of codependent behavior, and it can have different roots. Any participant in such an interaction receives his psychological benefits, even a "victim". In order to highlight these and other difficulties, find ways out of them in a specific situation, learn how to find resources, the help of a qualified psychologist is needed.

Codependency is not a spiritual but a psychological problem. Therefore, in addition to reading the Gospel about parents, other actions are needed here.

An important thing to remember: your family (you and your spouse, then your children) is only your family. Neither parents, nor friends, nor anyone else should have unconditional access to it. The Bible says: "A man will leave his father and his mother and cleave to his wife ..." (Gen. 2; 24). This does not mean that you have to build a solid fence and stay there alone, call your parents once a month. There should be a fence, but with a gate that you open at will. The less details about your inner family life are known to those around you, incl. parents, the less leverage they have on you. You have the right to talk about your life as much as you think is necessary. In your particular case, this is very important, because judging by what you describe, parents are actively trying to manage your personal and family life.

I will briefly touch on the period when you did not feel anything for your parents, for which you are painfully ashamed. You talk about very characteristic things: the parents tried to reach out, with tears or threats (apparently they are still trying). This is not really a way to interact. This is a way to achieve what you want in any way, in other words, it is manipulation. Children act the same way - they are capricious or fight when they don't get what they want.

Despite the fact that our society does not attach the proper importance to emotions, in reality it is an excellent "marker" of what is happening to us and it is very important to be able to listen to them (another reason for contacting a psychologist). Emotions set the so-called “task for meaning”: why in this situation do I feel this, when I should feel this? You did not feel anything for your parents, despite the tears and threats. What does this tell you?

Notice the contradictions in your feelings: you cannot call once a month, you are very ashamed of it, but you felt good and calm when you did not communicate with them for half a month. Here we are confronted with another characteristic feature of codependent relationships - neurotic feelings of guilt. It differs from the real voice of conscience in that it appears when there are no real reasons. In a codependent relationship, neurotic guilt is almost always present.

Dear Daria, I can imagine how hard it is for you now. I am sure that parents “do not know what they are doing” and do so with the best of intentions. However, the situation is such that it cannot be resolved with advice and complaints alone; a long and serious work on oneself is needed. Remember that the more difficult the path, the more valuable the reward awaits you.

An archive of all questions can be found ... If you have not found a question that interests you, you can always ask it .